Man's Insistence on Violent Solutions.

Chapter 27

Simon and Peter watched the people scurrying around the courtroom and both of them looked at each with a sad expression on their faces. Simon’s face showed the deep sadness that he felt as he watched two armed men bursting into the room with guns drawn. He watched as they secured the Judge and surveyed the chaotic scene unfolding in front as smell of burnt gunpowder filled the room.

Peter could see the pain in his friends face too as he stood there, wondering if man had really gone mad or if it was just another phase in mankind’s development? Nothing really made sense as he bent down to rest one knee on the floor and his one hand rested lightly on Adam Westbrook’s shoulder. He glanced briefly at Simon who nodded and managed a small smile on his craggily worn face. There was so much history there as he stood over Connor who was checking on Andrew’s pulse.

The loud shouting voices were gradually fading from his ears and he no longer saw the wild flinging bodies as the people around him tried to get out the way. His heart felt very heavy now as he knew he had done it, knew that his little brother would no longer hurt anyone else because of him. The pain in his chest was also slowly diminishing and he turned his face from the man under the DA’s table, where he saw a trembling figure, holding his hands over his head and his whole body was still shaking. Didn’t he know he wasn’t the target? Didn’t he know that he was safe now? Everyone was safe now, he had done what he knew he had to, and now Adam couldn’t reach out and hurt anyone else.

As his eyes left the cowering man, he could see the ancient face looming above him and yet despite the obvious age, the man had a grace about him, a softness that no amount of lines or wrinkles on his face could hide and he smiled a little at the man, hoping he hadn’t scared him by his actions. Andrew felt a strange calm enter him and he saw the young man now, seeing the despair in his eyes as he held his fingers to Andrew’s neck. Strange, he couldn’t feel the touch and he wondered if maybe the man was a doctor or something, but then his eyes were once more drawn to the man behind, the man with a weathered face and yet soft glowing eyes that just seemed to captivate him.

                     Was God really that way? How could any man of God, no matter their religion belief that God was directing them to commit all of these horrors? Never mind in the middle east where it was most noticed, but even in Northern Ireland they still used children to kill, or in Bosnia or Kosovo?  In Japan it had been, and maybe still was, an honour to throw yourself at your enemy, or Korea where young people took to the streets to kill, main, and disfigure because the rice they were given wasn’t cooked properly or some other silly reason, and yet no one seemed to care. Hell even in here, in his own country there were many who supported those zealots who shot at doctors doing what they thought was right, and it wasn’t all that long ago when his entire country turned a blind eye to the murder of blacks simply because of their colour.                                                                              

Andrew “I know you don’t I?”

Simon “Yes, we have met before.”

Andrew “Is, I mean, my brother, is he?”

Simon “Not yet, but his time is near.”

Andrew “I had to do it you know, I couldn’t let him get away, it is all my fault, I had to stop him.”

Simon “That isn’t for me to say Andrew, that is between you, the father, and Adam.”

Andrew “I loved him, did you know that?”

Simon “Yes, I know that you love him.”

Andrew “God must hate me, but at least Adam has a chance with him, it is all I could give him, maybe he’ll understand, Adam that is.”

Simon “God doesn’t hate any of his children, he loves them all no matter what choices they make.”

Andrew “No, he can’t still love me, look at me, look at all I have done to disappoint him, I am gay you know.”

Simon “You are as God made you Andrew, how could he hate you or be disappointed in that? After all, he is your true Father, he is not a God of hate, but of unconditional love.”

Andrew “If only that was true, why doesn’t it hurt anymore? Who are you anyway?”

Simon “ I was sent to help bring you home Andrew.”

Andrew “Home? I have no home now, my parents tried but it was too much for them… I am dying aren’t I?”

Simon “You have a home with the true Father if you wish, and yes, your time here is about over.”

Andrew “Home? With God? Yes, I want that, but he won’t want me, I told you, I have done some bad things, I didn’t mean to really in some ways, it is just, well there just wasn’t any other choice, I had to stop Adam, God didn’t and I had to.”

Simon “God understands Andrew, he wants you to come home to him now, will you?  Take my hand Andrew and let your heart follow it will now, come, take my hand and let us go home.”

Connor heard the soft gurgle and it was almost as if he could feel the last ounce of life leave the prone body. He reached out and closed the young man’s eyes and a small tear ran down from the corner of one eye. Somehow he felt the despair that had consumed the young man and yet he didn’t even know who he was. All he knew was that he had shot Adam Westbrook before he could be let loose onto society once more, and that had to count. Maybe it was wrong, but at least there was one less twisted soul alive that would strike out at innocents like Marvin and Terry.

He turned away from the dead to stare at the other young man, his body now propped up against the court railing, his eyes staring at him as if he knew him or something like that. Connor shuffled over, wishing he had his bag with him or better if Bruce was here. He knew Adam wasn’t in good shape, and unless the paramedics arrived in the next minute or two, it was doubtful if Adam would make it beyond that without emergency treatment.

Chaplain O’Malley held Adam against his own trembling body as he watched the young man strip open Adam’s shirt and checked his pulse. He saw him rip his shirt off and press it up against one of the two gaping wounds that the other young man had inflicted. He had no idea who the man was but as he stared over at him, his eyes closed now, he felt a chill run through him as he could see the faint family resemblance to Adam. Could there be a connection between Adam and his assailant? 

Connor “Father, hold this tight against him, maybe if we can stem the flow we can buy some time until the paramedics arrive.”

Father O’Malley “Uh, yes, yes how hard?”

Connor “As hard as you can Father, its our only chance.”

Father Mark “Yes, okay, is this right?”

Connor “Yes, that’ll do, now I need another shirt, something else I can place over the other wound, hey, you, give me your shirt, hurry!”

Jerry Hartwell “My shirt? No, no, I can’t do that, get someone else’s, my god do you know how expens…”

Connor “Fuck that asshole, shit, you, how about you, I need to have something to hold against this wound, come on…”

Before the other man could even react, a soft blue dress shirt was passed down to Connor. He quickly grabbed at it and placed it over the other gaping hole, praying that it would be enough to stem the loss until help arrived. He felt the blood soaking in and he turned to look up at the man who had handed him his shirt and he was surprised to see Paul standing next to him. 

Paul “Is he going to make it Connor?”

Connor “I don’t know Paul, I just don’t know, if help gets here in time, if they are good enough… shit I wish Bruce was here.”

Paul “He is with Terry?”

Connor “Huh? Yeah, he is, how did you…”

Paul “I guessed, didn’t think much else could get him out of here anyway, uh, Carl is pretty bad, he’s in a lot of pain but there doesn’t seem to be much blood loss..”

Connor “Good, I think the bullet hit him high enough that its most likely just a shoulder wound, get another shirt and keep it pressed to his wound, keep his head up too if you can, slightly upraised, it’ll help until someone can come and look at it.”

Paul placed his hand on Connor’s shoulder for a second and then he turned and left to go be with Carl. Connor could feel the warmth that came to him with Paul’s touch and he calmed down a little. He couldn’t understand it, but the two people closest had refused to help, yet it was them who had defended this animal and even had won in gaining his release, yet it was Paul who came to help when it really mattered. What the fuck was wrong with people? Did they only see others as a means to further their own ambitions or did people care anymore about others?

Father Mark “He’s an amazing young man isn’t he?”

Connor “Huh? Oh, yes he is.”

And what about you my son? I recognize you from all the press when this all started, how are you feeling? Are you wishing this young boy to die or do you want him to live? 

Father Mark “You are the paramedic that helped those poor boys aren’t you?”

Connor “Yes, I am.”

Father Mark “And now you are helping their assailant, guess that makes you special too.”

Why am I doing this? He was about to be let loose, I know that in my bones, yet here I am trying with all my powers to keep him alive, when all I want is to see him dead? I have to be stupid, but then, no I guess I am just old fashioned, yet I hate this kid, but I can’t let him die without trying, how is that? 

Connor “Special? Sorry father, I am just doing what I was trained to do, what I think of the patient isn’t important.”

Father Mark “No? I think a few of your own men disagree, but then, that is what separates God’s children from the rest.”

God’s children? How disappointed he must be in us all.

Connor “Thought we were all his children Father? Let it loosen a bit, okay, still pumping, tighten up again, press hard father, his life depends on it.”

Father Mark “Like this? And yes we are all his children, just that it seems so many have lost their way, and I wonder if they’ll ever find their way back.”

Connor didn’t have an answer for that, but he too felt the same unease, wondering if man was doomed to wander aimlessly in its own muck and mire. After all there would be many who would hail the other man for ridding society of Adam and yet their would be maybe just as many who would oppose his actions, claiming he had no right to take justice into his own hands. There would be those who would see Adam as the real victim and that all he did was due to a misspent youth or something like that.

No one really seemed to have the answers, and there was no doubt that the justice system had failed in this case, or had it? He still had no idea what the Judge was going to rule, or anything else. All he did know was that Victor was still under his table, afraid to come out and yet the room was fully secured now. Armed officers stood everywhere and they were slowly emptying the room, taking down names and sending them to another room, most likely for statements or so he assumed.

Chaplain O’Malley turned away from Connor, as he saw his face grow hard as he struggled to save Adam’s young life. His hands pressed hard and he kept glancing around, hoping for help from his fellow paramedics and yet knowing it was most likely a wasted attempt, and yet he still tried. That was something that amazed Chaplain Mark, how Connor was throwing everything he had into saving the man who had killed one and most likely the other. How could he do it? 

Here he was a priest, a man of God and yet he was torn between even to having to come here, to hold this evil man and yet here he was, doing not just that but helping in his limited capacity to try and keep him alive. His heart was filled with anger at Adam but also with God, for letting all this happen. His eyes grew cold as he stared down at the young man, the rage inside still there as he questioned all he had witnessed in his life, from the taunts of young 1st graders to the nasty innuendo’s of grown men who should have known better.

He had seen it all, children being used by grown men to kill their supposed enemy, and grown men being forced to kill those children, their hearts becoming hardened by that task and yet no one seemed to get it. No one seemed to understand that no goal was worth that horror. How could grown men corrupt and send such innocents out to slaughter?  It wasn’t just happening in one area, one spot, but all over the world. In Israel the Palestinians used children to throw rocks and Molotov cocktails at Israeli soldiers, in Afghanistan they gave them guns and hand grenades, some even had them strap explosives to their bodies and then have them blow themselves up in crowded restaurants or night clubs, all of it in God’s name it seemed.

Adam “Am I dying Chaplain?”

YES! Oh God how he wanted to just shout that out but he couldn’t, his voice felt so sad and yet inside he really just wanted to say “yes” and to add that it was fitting, that he needed to die to atone in some small way for the pain he had inflicted and yet his heart refused him that pleasure. How could he feel this cruel? Where was his compassion, even for Adam he certainly should show some, he was just a confused kid, why should he hate him so much?

Chaplain Mark “We are trying to not let that happen Adam, don’t try to talk, save your strength.”

This isn’t right, he did what he knew was God’s plan for him, but it hurt now, the pain was too much and it shouldn’t be like this. He was supposed to be let go, to go back to his home with the Navy but instead he was here, lying on the floor with his blood pouring out, how could this be? Who is that man next to him and Chaplain Mark?

Adam “Why am I dying Chaplain? I did his work, why is he abandoning me now?”

Peter “God is with you Adam.”

Adam “It hurts so much, why did he let this happen?”

Peter “None of this is his doing Adam, this is all your own doing, don’t you see that?”

My doing? I only followed God’s chosen path for me? How can this be my fault? I believe, how can he be leaving me to die like this? I know I am dying, that paramedic guy, he knows I am dying, I can see it in his eyes.

Adam “No! No it isn’t, I was fighting evil, it is everywhere, and it even claimed my own brother.”

His brother? But, it can’t be, yet they do look alike, could it be that the gunman is Adam’s brother? 

Chaplain “What claimed your brother Adam?”

Why did you do this Andrew? Why couldn’t you have been strong like me and resisted the devil and his sinful plans for us? I was strong enough, why did you have to go with that guy? What drove you to that? I loved you so much and yet you became one of them, how could you Andrew?

Adam “Evil did, can’t you see it? He was one of them, he was being taken from me, I had to save him, I had to, that’s why I did it, to show I was not one, can’t you see that?”

Peter “Your brother was God’s son too Adam, it wasn’t for you to judge him.”

No one understands it, I had to do this, I had to try and end those evil people so that God would help Andrew, that he would change him and not let Andrew die from God’s own retribution for people like Andrew. I love him so much, why can’t anyone understand that? 

Adam “I had to, can’t you see? I had to save him, that’s why I had to do what I did, so God would know, so he would help me in saving Andrew.”

He is delirious I think, but that assailant, he does have but no, no it can’t be true and yet Adam seems to, but then he’s drying, he’s not thinking now or is he?

Chaplain “Is Andrew your brother Adam? Where is Andrew now Adam?”

Adam “There Chaplain, there he is, why did he do this? Didn’t he know I was trying to save him?”

Chaplain Mark watched as Adam tried to point and in his heart he knew that what he had guessed at was true. The man who had shot Adam Westbrook was his own brother. He felt a strange chill run down his spine as he heard the metallic noise and once more he could see the man standing, his arm extended outwards towards Adam. 

His mind flashed back and he could see the way Adam was looking so buoyant and happy and then as he had turned to face the tall gaunt young man, he could see the eyes changing from joy to a brief burst of anger and then surprise as if he had known exactly what was about to happen. Chaplain Mark rubbed his eyes as he saw Adam just sit there and wait. The look of surprise that came over his whole face was gut wrenching and even now, knowing all that had followed, he still felt the horror as the first bullet struck Adam in the chest. He could hear the mechanical mechanism clanging and shifting as another round entered the gun’s chamber and he smelt it too.

There had been no mistaking of that smell, the one of gun powder and the sound was just now reaching his ears as he could feel the pressure being slowly applied to the trigger. He had wanted to yell out, to tell the gaunt man to STOP but his mouth wouldn’t work, and so the second bullet left its place and caught Adam in the front, near his right side as his body was still spinning from the impact of the first bullet.

As he cradled the dying young man his heart was in confusion. He had wished him dead earlier, when it seemed that he was to be set free, and yet now, he just didn’t know if that was still his wish? How could he want another man dead? He was a priest for Christ’s sake, wasn’t he supposed to feel compassion no matter what? How could he advise others if he himself was no longer certain of anything?

On the battlefield he knew there was a purpose for all the carnage, it was the forces of good battling the army of evil, so in his mind it was all justified but for the first time he came to accept that all who fought these wars believed theirs was the just cause, the cause of God, and yet here it was different and yet no different. The young man who walked willingly into a crowded restaurant and blew himself up and others was acting on his belief that he was serving the will of God. How as he any different than Adam here who had gone out to beat to death two people who he believed were evil and a threat to his own God? 

He himself had told young men that their work was God’s work but how did that fit with his vision of God? God was supposed to love all of his children, wasn’t he? Why then did he let one set against another? Why was it right for one group to kill and not another, they both believed in their cause? Was the Israeli soldier any different than the Hamas fighter or was he missing something? His own Church had ruled the middle ages with wars and crusades that set apart people simply because they not believe in what the man in Rome said they should, so was his own faith really as blameless as it claimed?

Chaplain O’Malley stared down at his hand, the one pressing tightly against Adam’s chest and he saw the blood slowly trickling through his fingers and he felt the warm sticky fluid coat his trembling fingers as his heart tried to sort it all out. Where was God in all this mayhem? These were his children, how could he just sit there and watch it all unfold? Scriptures said the Vengeance was the Lord’s and yet daily men executed other men simply for violating their laws, but if vengeance was God’s, how could any man do this in his name?

Tears began to roll down his face as he struggled for some understanding of it all, but in his heart all he could find was confusing and sadness. Was this how man was supposed to live? Were his children to wander aimlessly thru life trying to find answers that only God could give them and yet denied them those very answers? If God was love, then why couldn’t he reach down and let everyone know that? Why was it necessary to have such evil in the world, and why was man so cruel? If man was created in God’s image, then did that mean that evil was also a part of God?

Adam “I am not going to make it am I?”

Peter “Your time is near, your Father awaits you with open arms, there is nothing to fear.”

Adam “But why did he let this happen?”

Adam turned away from the soft face, the one with the piercing eyes and white beard and turned to stare at his brothers still body. He felt the sudden ripping pain in his heart and he began to fear what the future held for him. His eyes grew wide as he turned towards Peter but he saw nothing there but compassion, which frightened him even more.

He turned to look once more at Andrew’s body and then he glanced up to see his brother’s figure, all aglow in a strange light, standing and looking at him with another man next to him. He blinked his eyes as he gazed into his brother’s face and he saw the pain, the sorrow and it reached out from the dim shadowy figure towards him. Adam felt it reaching inside and the pain in his heart grew even more strident as he struggled with all he was seeing.

Adam “Andy, why? I loved you… why?”

Andrew “I loved you too but I couldn’t let your hate for me hurt anyone else Adam, I couldn’t, don’t you see that?”

Adam “I don’t hate you, I was trying to help you, to…”

Andrew “how can you say that? You disowned me the second you heard I was gay…”

Adam “No, you aren’t! That is what they made you believe, you aren’t that …that way.”

Andrew “But I am Adam, it is who I am, it is what God made me…”

Adam “He didn’t, he doesn’t abide by sinners, sleeping with, no, no you are not gay, that is just what they made you think, it is that that I hate, not you, you are my brother, I can’t hate you.”

Andrew “Yes, so you say, but then you go and kill one person, almost kill another, why? I’ll tell you why, you did it to get even with me for being gay, for being me, but Adam that is who I am, killing others wasn’t going to change that.”

Adam “Yes it would, if I did the Lord’s work, then maybe he’d help you, he’s forgive you your sins and let you live, don’t you see that?”

Andrew “Save me? Let me live? Oh God Adam, it isn’t me that’s been fooled, but you, I am gay, and it is not a sin, not to the God I believe in, he couldn’t hate me for that.”

Adam “But he does, that’s why he gave you AIDS, to punish you, to…”

Andrew “God didn’t give me AIDS Adam, I knew the risks and I didn’t believe they could happen to me, I was careless and its my fault, not God’s.”

Adam “AIDS is his way of dealing with you, I know that Andrew, please it isn’t too late, please…”

Simon “It is time now Andrew, come, take my hand now…”

Andrew “But I can’t just leave him, he has to know the truth, please Simon, I have to make him understand…”

Simon “That is no longer your task Andrew, come and enter the world where you will no longer feel pain or sorrow or emptiness, come sit at the Lord’s knees and feel his love as it heals your pain, come…”

Adam watched the strange light grow brighter and more brilliant as he heard the man’s strange words to his brother. How could Andrew be going to sit at God’s knees if it wasn’t that he had paved the way? That had to be it, he had to have gotten thru and now Andrew was safe, but what if he still professed to be gay when he was in God’s presence? How could he save him then?

Peter “No one is denied God’s love Adam, not Andrew, not you even.”

Adam “Huh? But, how did you know I was, what do you mean not even me?”

Peter “You have killed, is that not a sin too?”

Adam “That is different, that was to fight the evil, how can that be a sin?”

Peter “Who are you to determine what is right and wrong Adam?”

Adam “But it is God who said they were evil?”

Peter “God never said that, only man has said that, and man is not God.”

Adam “It is in the bible, that’s God words.”

Peter “No it isn’t Adam, it is man’s interpretation of what was said or done, it isn’t God’s words at all, only the Ten Commandments are actually God’s words.”

Adam felt confused as the sorrow that was within his own brother started to reach his own heart. He didn’t know what to believe as he lay there, dying. The slow realization was finally coming to him that maybe his purpose in life wasn’t what he had thought and he feared now that he would suffer God’s own retribution. If he was wrong, if Peter was right, then what lay in store for him in the afterlife? Would he be banished to the fiery pits of hell? He turned to see the chaplain, tears still running down his face.

Adam “Is what he says true Chaplain?”

Chaplain “Is what who says true Adam?”

Adam “Peter, is it true?”

Chaplain “Peter? Who is Peter?”

Adam “The guy across from you, the one I am talking to, is what he says true? Is the bible really not God’s words?”

Chaplain “There is no one across from me Adam, try to rest, the paramedics are coming.”

Adam “Can’t you see him? He’s kneeling right next to me, why can’t he see you Peter?”

Peter “I was sent for you only Adam, my message is for you.”

Chaplain “There is no one kneeling next to you Adam, Connor?”

Connor “It’s the pain, he’s drifting off Chaplain, sorry, unless the paramedics get here soon, there isn’t much hope left.”

Chaplain “Adam, can you hear me?”

Adam “Yes, I can hear you, it is strange, I can see him Chaplain, and I am scared, what if what he says is true?”

Chaplain “What does he say Adam?”

Adam “Chaplain, are homosexuals evil? Aren’t they against God’s will?”

Chaplain “I don’t know, some say they are but then if so why did God create them? Being gay isn’t a choice Adam, it is just who they are.”

Adam “But, that can’t be, I mean it says in the bible that…”

Chaplain “What it says doesn’t mean it is what God’s says.”

Adam “What about man being meant to continue the line of man? How can, I don’t understand, gay’s can’t have kids, how can they not be sinners?”

Chaplain “Maybe they aren’t made to have kids in the normal sense, but they can provide homes and love to unwanted children, and isn’t that following in God’s steps?”

Adam “They can’t, I mean they aren’t allowed… so how…”

Chaplain “True, but that is man’s will that prevents that, but that too is changing and maybe that is just it? Maybe they are here to help take those who are unwanted and to give them what they need, and maybe that is also what frightens all of us.”

Adam “I don’t, chaplain, I am scared, what if I am wrong?”

Peter “You have nothing to fear Adam, God loves all of his children, it is unconditional love, you have nothing to fear, let me show you…”

Adam “NO! No don’t touch me, you scare me, how can God love everyone, even the sinners?”

Chaplain “ I have to touch you Adam, I have to keep this pressed so you won’t bleed as much…”

Adam “Not you Chaplain, it is HIM, Peter, he wants to… I am frightened Chaplain, help me, please help me understand.”

Chaplain “Peter? Who is this Peter Adam?”

Adam “he says he’s a messenger, but can’t you see him?”

Chaplain “No Adam I can’t, but you have nothing to be frightened of, if he is a messenger from God, he is here to help you.”

Adam “No, no it is a trick, he says that I have killed, I haven’t Chaplain, I only did what was necessary, to rid the world of evil, that is all I did.”

Chaplain “Do you believe in God Adam?”

Adam “Yes, of course, yes I do.”

Chaplain “Then you must have faith that he knows what he is doing, if he sends you a messenger, you must let him into your heart, let him do as the Lord has commanded him.”

Adam “Chaplain, I believe, but I don’t want to go to hell, please Chaplain, tell him I am a good Christian, please…”

Chaplain “God knows how you feel Adam, let him into your heart now, accept his love now and let the fear be chased away by God’s love for you.”

Adam “God loves me? Even if I was wrong?”

Chaplain “Yes, God loves all of us Adam, there is no price to pay for that love, at least so I believe now.”

Adam “But, if I was wrong, how can he stand to even see me? Isn’t he mad?”

Chaplain “Mad? No, I think he must be disappointed, but it doesn’t diminish his love for us, least I don’t think it does.”

Adam “I am scared, what do I say?”

Chaplain “There is nothing for you to say, he knows what is in your heart, even if you don’t.”

Adam “He does?”

Peter “Yes Adam, he does, he wants you to come home, if you wish it, that is why I am here.”

Adam “I want to Peter, I really do, it is just…”

Peter “Take my hand Adam”

Adam saw the arm outstretched towards his own hand and he looked up into the soft eyes of Peter. The white beard seemed so brilliant in white, and the golden light was warm to feel against his cheeks as he felt his hand slowly rising up from his side. The pain no longer rolled thru his body as he watched his blood soaked arm rise up and the fingers stretch out to meet the waiting hand of Peter.

His heart trembled under the fear and his mind was confused as Adam’s fingers slowly stretched out and he saw them suddenly touch the offered hand of Peter’s. The touch was unlike anything he had ever experienced, his body suddenly felt warm and alive, the pain no longer troubled him as his mind was suddenly blank, no longer pushing or troubling him. Deep inside he felt his heart slowly ease its pounding beat and he could feel the simple joy that now filled his soul as he turned his face from his hand upward to gaze into Peter’s face.

In that single instant of time, Adam suddenly felt a wave of love that he had never thought possible enter his body. He smiled and his eyes grew wide as he gazed past Peter’s face to see Andrew, standing tall beside an old man crowned in golden light with rays of deep blues and purples all around him. In that very instant he felt his brother’s love for him and this time, his heart didn’t turn away and it dawned on him at last, that God did love him.

Connor shook his head at the Chaplain and leaned back on his legs. Bustling men in heavy fire gear came rushing into the room, and headed straight for the three downed men but Connor knew it was too late for two of them. He looked into the Chaplain’s face and was stunned to find him in tears, his hand patting Adam’s soaked hair, and he felt the same sadness too as he leaned there, knowing that he had done his best, but that it just wasn’t enough.

Candice had watched the man racing to help the three men who lay prone on the courtroom floor and she recognized his face, from a newscast of the paramedic who had tried to save both beating victims. She was amazed to see him pass by the one man, the one who was a witness to the beatings, and concentrate on the one who had caused so much pain. She couldn’t believe at how hard he worked to stem what the assailant had done.

She saw Victor, sitting up under the table, his whole body shaking still and she saw two bailiffs talk to him and then help him up. For a second she thought he might have been injured in the shooting as his pants were wet, but then she realized that he had soiled himself. His fear had left him unable to control himself and he now suffered the embarrassment of being led from the courtroom, wet and shaking and everyone could see his fear now.

Strobe lights blared and she saw several cameras trained on him as he was escorted out of the courtroom thru the Judge’s chambers. The media had recorded his moment and whatever political aspirations he had, were crushed in that one simple picture of him being led away from the courtroom, his head hung low, his gait unsteady, his pants full and damp, clearly visible to all who bothered to look.

As he passed by the Judge’s bench, she saw the face of Judge Stilton and she could almost feel his sorrow and sadness as Victor Neilson passed by. She could see it in his eyes, the pity that he had for Victor and she saw something else. It was almost as if the Judge was feeling like he was responsible, as if he had caused all this carnage, and as he looked back down into the courtroom, watching the people being led away, the paramedics working on Carl, and the other paramedics preparing to take the lifeless bodies from the other side, she could see tears running down his weathered face.

The police were slowly emptying the court and she saw them herding the press out of the place, leaving many still to just sit and wonder at their own escape from the grim reaper’s hand. Her eyes scanned the crowd as she saw the Hartwell’s leave the courtroom. The look on Mrs Hartwell was one of utter disbelief and amazement. She didn’t seem in the least upset at the death of the two young men and she left as if she was leaving a bad play or something.

Her husband on the other hand looked angry and annoyed as they were led out in rather a perfunctorily manner. The policeman didn’t seem to really pay them much attention as he directed them to another room where their statement would be taken. She even saw the lawyer, the great Zachariah Smith looking like at least like someone who was touched by all that happened.

They said that a close brush with dead changed people, and as she looked out at the crowd, she wondered just what changes would this brush with death bring to those who had played such a role in this whole case? How would the brother of the victim deal with this, was he relieved that justice was ultimately served on his brother’s attacker? What about Victor, would he accept his own role in all this or would he just simply fade away? The Hartwell’s looked like they were untouched by the carnage and violence but then maybe they just didn’t understand yet what had occurred?

Candice was still shaking from the violence and she finally sat down in an empty chair, looking up as a tall grey haired man walked stiffly past her. She saw the gold leaves on his crisp uniform lapels and watched him as he moved slowly up to where the Chaplain and the young paramedic sat. She could see the dull stains of blood on both men, the paramedic bare chested but his flesh tainted by the blood. For a second she shivered, amazed at the enormous risk that he had taken in trying to stem Adam’s bleeding as well as the other man’s.

Sitting there, she suddenly realized the enormity of the risk and she was stunned by Connor’s commitment to his duty. He had put his own life at risk in a vain effort to save the life of one who had caused so much pain. As she thought about it, watching the tall military man walk up to Connor and the Chaplain, the thought of her story was suddenly changed and she leaned back, knowing that this would be a story she could finally be proud of.

Major Collier “Chaplain… You are Connor, aren’t you?”

Connor “Huh? Yes, yes I am.”

Major “I am Major Collier, Bruce’s father.”

Connor “Oh? Uh, I see, uh, Bruce had to leave, uh, he isn’t here.”

Major “I know, it is just, we have never met before…”

Connor “No, we haven’t.”

Major “Strange, our first meeting is like this, I watched you work.”

Connor “Huh? Yeah guess it is a rather strange way to meet, uh, why are you here?”

Major “I came to arrest that young man, the one you worked so hard on, Judge Stilton called and well, guess it doesn’t matter anymore does it?”

Connor “No I guess not.”

Major “Are you and Bruce happy?”

Connor “Huh? Happy? I guess we are, I know, uh, I am sorry, I am a bit drained, I don’t like losing…”

Major “Losing, you didn’t lose as I see it, you did your best, that should be enough.”

Connor “Should be? I suppose, but it isn’t, I don’t like losing, it means someone is dead when I do, sort of how Bruce feels too I think, maybe that’s what attracted me to him, his desire to never lose.”

Major “He always was that way, I have heard good things about him…”

Connor “Really? Didn’t know you were following his career?”

Major “I have been absent from his life, haven’t I?”

Connor “not for me to say Major.”

Major “Yes it is, I am sorry Connor, excuse me… Chaplain… good job”

Major Collier turned away and started to head away when he turned slightly to see Paul standing and staring at him. He knew him from the press reports and he wondered what he was feeling about all this? Was he happy, elated that the person who had hurt his own brother was now dead? He looked into his face and was surprised to see a sadness being reflected in the young man’s eyes. It was almost as if he regretted what had happened and he felt sad himself but not for Adam. Instead he felt sad at how he had missed so much in his life, and as he walked out of the courtroom he vowed to try and change that. He was tired of being sad, of being lonely and of not knowing his own son.

As Major Collier walked past her, Candice was already formulating her story in her mind. She could see the whole thing in her mind and didn’t even realize that while she was seeing it all, her hand was busy writing in her notebook. It was the first time she had felt this way, so alive really as the story began to take hold of her. There were a good number of questions she wanted to ask and Hunter attracted her eye, as he stood talking to a rather non descript older man. He seemed to be alright on the outside, and she decided that she needed to talk to him, to try and get inside to find out just what was going to happen before the shooter took matters out of the Judge’s hands.

Everyone that could was glued to either a radio or the television. Bruce still couldn’t believe all that was happening as he listened to the news on a portable radio in Terry’s room. Terry was so quiet, so still that at times Bruce wondered if he had slipped back but each time he raised his eyes, he could see the fire inside of Terry’s eyes. It was unsettling as each time he raised his face, Terry would suddenly turn to look at him at the same instant, almost as if he had some premonition that he was being checked up on.

Terry “Sad isn’t it?”

Bruce turned to look once again at his miracle patient. There were still some signs of the attack, bruises but they no longer looked as bad as before and the return of colour to his body hid many of the other marks of his recent brush with death. He had so many questions to ask, so many thoughts that he was actually tongue-tied. How do you ask someone what it was like to be so close to death without sounding morbid?

Bruce “What is?”

Terry “How we always seem to solve our problems with guns and violence, why can’t we just, I don’t know, why can’t we be at peace with each other?”

Bruce “I wish I knew the answer to that one, I just don’t.”

Terry “Me neither, too bad.”

It wasn’t like he hadn’t asked himself the same question over and over again, but he had grown so used to all the violence, it no longer shook him or was that true? Did he maybe ignore that voice inside that always seemed to cry a little each time some senseless act of violence played out on the table in the operating room? Did the violence numb him or did he numb it himself, because otherwise he might have to take a stand on things? Did he deny himself that pain so he could hide from his duties as a member of the human race?

This was nonsense, why was he suddenly beating himself up for something he had no control over. What was it about being in Terry’s presence that had made him start to question himself so much? What could he, one person do anyway?

Bruce “It is I guess, but there really isn’t anything we can do about it.”

Terry “No? I don’t know, it is strange, but there are so many weird thoughts that I have, I used to think that, but now, I don’t know, it seems all wrong, to just sit back.” 

Bruce “It’s hard for any one person to do much…”

Terry “I suppose, but if you don’t try, I don’t know, all I know is I don’t want to go back to the way things were.”

To think that 24 hours ago he was on death’s doorstep and now he wants to change the world? Why do all who come back from that experience feel this way? Do they receive some sort of sign or are they maybe given a glimpse into the future?

Bruce “Funny, I have yet to meet someone who has come thru an experience like yours that didn’t feel that way, didn’t feel that they had to stop being just a watcher in life. Terry… I know this is stupid, but, well, what do you remember of being unconscious?”

What do I remember? Funny, it is like everything is there but just not connected. I know there are things that happened, but how do I put them into words when there just aren’t words that can explain all that I felt? It isn’t that I saw things, but more, well more like I could feel them inside, and I have no idea how to explain it.

Terry “Remember? I don’t know if I remember anything except, I don’t know, it was like I have this feeling inside now, one that maybe was there before but I hid it, now I can’t hide it anymore, it really is weird I guess, yet I have this, I don’t know, sort of strong urge to say things I never would before, or do things I never dreamed I could, like sort of, I don’t know. Not much of an answer is it?”

Bruce “Not really, I mean you were heavily sedated all the time too, it is normal for people who have been hurt as bad as you were. Just that, well it always intrigues me when people who shouldn’t make it, do, not that I am unhappy about that… just that less than 24 hours ago you were barely breathing, yet now, now you look like you could run a marathon, rather remarkable isn’t it? Kind of humbling too, because you did it on your own, there was nothing medical science could do, yet here you are.”

It is strange but I feel like I didn’t do anything to bring this about, that it was all done for me and yet I can’t even express it, but just thinking about it still gives me a rather warm feeling inside, almost like I want to jump out of this bed and shout with joy, how do I explain that one?

Terry “On my own? I don’t know, I think I had a lot of help, I mean it felt like there was so much happening around me and yet I didn’t feel any of it, I was, I don’t know, sort of like I was being held in someone’s arms, being cradled almost and I remember feeling so happy, like by just being in those arms I just knew that nothing could hurt me anymore. Crazy huh?”

Bruce “No, doesn’t sound crazy to me at all. I don’t know why, but I am so very happy to see you awake, you have, I don’t know, but somehow you have given me hope for tomorrow, and I have no idea why… I remember when I had to tell Paul that there was nothing more we could do, that he would have to decide about whether to keep you on life support or not, and I could see his pain, and yet even as I told him that science had no answers, there was this part inside of me, it just kept saying that the end was not here. Made no sense, but it felt like suddenly it mattered, like it was a test even, I don’t know of any other way to explain it.”