Chapter 22

Part 1

The wind blew across his face as the boat sailed before the wind. The fresh air seemed to lull him and yet he was fully alert as his eyes scanned the sails and the waves below him. He could hear the wind singing through the masthead and riggings. It was almost like a soft haunting melody that you hated and yet kept whistling or humming at the oddest moments in your life. He could feel his own lips as they softly whistled to the haunting melody of the wind and once more his eyes glanced down at the sleeping young man next to him.

The sky was deepening as the sunset grew around him and his boat. He could feel the power in the old wooden boat as it knifed through the skimming waves and if he looked, he’d see his dolphin still swimming alongside. He was like a faithful watchdog and yet so much more as Paul was certain that he could communicate with the fish in a plane that he didn’t even know existed. It was almost as if they were in touch deep within, and nothing human or scientific could explain it to him other than it was an act of majesty.

With his eyes narrowed against the wind that blew straight at him he felt his hair flowing in the wind and his heart no longer ached or felt like it was torn into a million shards of cutting glass. Instead he actually felt calm, felt at peace with himself even though his mind told him it was an illusion. Right now, he just didn’t care if it was an illusion or not, all he cared about was that something was happening, something he couldn’t explain but for the first time he felt like he could actually make a difference, that somehow he had found his courage. He no longer was the cowardly lion from the ‘Wizard of Oz’ but was a full fledged man, haunted by his past but no longer daunted by it.

Paul glanced at his watch and he looked back out towards the prow of the boat. He could see the blond hair flowing across the front hatch and he saw the shape of Ashley’s head as it rolled with the boat’s motion. He could see the spray reaching up over the pointed catwalk and he knew that Ashley had to be drenched, but then he knew too that he sat there, only in his shorts as he too seemed to be lost in the sounds of the ocean as it passed by the sailing boat.

With one hand holding the wheel steady, he reached for the cellular phone and once more dialed the number he had fed into the speed dial. Once more he went through the mechanical voices until he got a live person, where he asked his short question, identified himself, and waited for the answer. Just as it had been said several times already, he once more listened to the uncaring voice telling him no change and he hung up, preserving the battery life but at least he knew that for whatever reason, what was supposed to be an end within hours had exceeded all expectations. Terry was refusing to give in and Paul smiled, because that was his younger brother, a fighter to the bitter end, and this was as bad as it came and yet Terry still fought.

He didn’t know how or why he was still hanging on, and as he thought about it his eyes once more traveled forward to where Ashley sat. Just staring in his direction he could feel the pull of his brother’s charm and inner calm against his own heart and soul. There was so much he wanted to share with Terry and yet it was his choice to let him go in peace, but then, it really wasn’t his choice at all, was it?

The old wooden boat, Brother’s Promise, sailed on into the night and as the wind changed direction so too did the boat as it now headed back towards the shore, but not from whence it had come. Instead it was heading for a different part of the coast and Paul began to feel nervous. He was taking a gamble maybe, one that might ruin his entire career, but he couldn’t do it any other way and besides, it was time.

Rob had slept fitfully and he couldn’t shake the strange images that seemed to haunt his mind as he tried to rest. There was something about the way the wind was blowing thru the rigging that had made his heart flutter a little and the fires in his belly flicker with each mournful howl that echoed inside of his ears. Something was nagging at him, something he should know and yet all he could think about was shutting out the noise until finally he had enough and he sat up. His back now rested on the cockpit hatchway, and he stared up at the tall young man guiding the ship through the ocean.

Just looking up at Paul made his pulse quicken a little and he couldn’t really explain why he got those strange urges to be with him either. He didn’t think he was queer, and yet if he wasn’t, then why was he having these urges to be in Paul’s arms? Why did he feel like he just wanted to curl up into Paul’s strong athletic body if he was straight? Surely men didn’t have a yearning for another man if he was straight, so then he had to be gay, but still, no other guy had ever struck him this way, but then again, neither had any women, so was he gay? 

His eyes stared upwards, watching the way his facial muscles twitched in time with the singing gusts of wind and he smiled as he felt a strange exhilaration flow thru his own young body. Looking at Paul was making him horny, and slowly he stopped trying to rationalize it, instead he started to simply enjoy the thought that there might be someone for him, someone who would care about him and not want to just bed him or worse, beat him like his father.

Funny, but normally when he started thinking back to all that, he would get hyper and he would gasp for air and then reach out for a drink or when it got really bad, for a hit of something more powerful. He didn’t usually do drugs, but he had been known to party pretty hard but that was only when the memories where too strong, too real to erase with a bottle of booze. Yet, here he was having some heavy duty thoughts and just glancing up at Paul made them all go away, run and hide from him so that he just never got the urge to drink or do more. Rob couldn’t explain how this could be, after all he really didn’t know Paul, but for now, he just thought he’d enjoy the peace that Paul seemed to bring to him.

Sitting there, he was stunned by all the similarities that there were between his past, Paul’s, and even Ashley’s and yet for most of his life, he had thought it was his fault, that there had been something he had done to warrant such treatment, and looking up at Paul, he knew now that it wasn’t his fault, just that his own father hadn’t understood what it really meant to be a father. Strange, he wound up blaming himself when really, just as his heart knew, he hadn’t done anything to warrant the beatings or screams, just as Paul hadn’t or even Ashley. 

He looked down at his long legs, stretched out and pushing up against the wooden decking. It felt so warm and yet the sun had faded from the sky and for some unknown reason, he felt happy. Rob wasn’t sure what the future held in store for him, but somehow just even thinking that there might be one for him was soothing and the pains of a past no longer seemed to consumer him. He fiddled with his hands a little and looked up, to see Paul staring down at him. His eyes grew wider as he saw a small smile cross Paul’s face, followed by one of his own and deep in his heart, he felt a surge of hope begin to beat just that much harder. He sighed and in an impulse he pushed up and stood up to stand next to Paul.

Looking out at the wide sea he could see the distant shoreline growing and he knew they were heading back to where all their troubles lay. He didn’t feel panic and he looked over at Paul and once more felt the smile warming his heart and out of impulse, he stood close and wrapped his arm around Paul’s waist and felt the sudden tenseness, then the soft relaxation of the muscles as Paul shifted slightly, letting his body curl into Rob’s own body.

They stood there together; Paul’s arms around Rob’s shoulder holding onto the huge wheel, and his own waist snuggled tightly into the crevice of Rob’s thinner arm. It felt so good that for a second or two he felt a tremor racing through his whole body and as it raced thru him, he felt Terry’s heart beating next to his, warming his thoughts and caressing the pain of his soul and a small tear rolled down his face as he prayed softly to God to hold and protect his little brother.

Part 2

John watched as the people began to slowly exit the terminal walkway. He didn’t know why but he felt a little on edge, but then he always did when he had to deal with Janice. She wasn’t a person you could ever anticipate. There were times when you would expect that she would explode and yet she’d remain calm and cool, other times she would just suddenly be in your face spitting fire. She did have a way with words too and he wasn’t exactly thrilled that she had elected to come back to personally deal with the situation with Paul.

He wished he had gone to her husband but right now, well deep down in his heart he knew that it would eventually have to go to Janice Jamison to be dealt with, so he had elected to contact her directly. After all, there was a fair amount of money involved and despite everyone’s opinion, she was extremely smart in how to handle the vast amounts of money that the organization handled. Hell, she had negotiated some of the television contracts herself, and there was no one better at getting rock bottom pricing from those television people. He still held her in awe, and when in one of his honest self examination moods, he’d acknowledge that he really adored her, in fact, was maybe in love with her, but that was something he’d never admit to anyone else, heck, he rarely admitted it to himself even. There was danger in coveting someone else’s wife, and he had a good thing going, and just like Janice, he liked what the money brought into his world.

Janice Jamison really wasn’t a picturesque women, she wasn’t particularly stunning in looks or features, and yet she had a way of commanding one’s attention, even in a ballroom filled with movie stars and models, she had a way of drawing people’s attention. John could see the way some of the deplaning passengers were and he knew instinctively that Janice was about to make her appearance and sure enough, he spotted her petite 5 foot 2 inch body as it made its way through the walkway out into the concourse.

She wasn’t dressed to the nines and yet she looked radiant, and her smile was one that seemed to just take you by surprise. If you were a direct recipient of it, your heart would flutter a bit, and in some instances you would feel a bit weak at the knees. Her hair was nicely cut and styled to show just a hint of curl and for a 47-year-old woman, she didn’t look a day over 37.

Her eyes were searching the crowd and he waited for them to finally circle to where he stood and when they did, and locked onto his own face, he felt his heart skip a beat and he grew a bit warm under the collar as they connected. John felt a strange giddiness and then a bit of fear as her eyes bore into his, a questioning glare in them that passed as she raised her hand and waved to him. He waved back, feeling unsure of himself and even a bit unsteady. The way her eyes had flickered and then closed down to reflect nothing but an outward calm made him sweat a bit more and wiped the palms of his hands on his pants as he waited for Janice to come through.

Janice “John, how nice of you to meet me personally, that really wasn’t necessary.”

John “I wouldn’t have it any other way Janice, I have the car outside, if you’ll give me your ticket, I’ll get a porter to collect your luggage.”

Janice “Oh that isn’t necessary, I only have this one small bag with me, I am planning to return in a day or two, so I just left everything there, I have enough at the penthouse for a few days.”

John “Oh, okay, well come on then, did you have a good flight?”

Janice “It was okay, the service certainly isn’t what I am used to, but there just wasn’t a United Flight. I’ll make sure to take United back though.”

The conversation died quickly as they headed for the parked limousine and he could see her magic still working as the milling crowd just seemed to melt away from in front of her. That smile was fixed and he knew it was for show only, that inside here sharp mind was whirling away, and he knew that the ride to the penthouse suite would be filled with questions and that by the time they got to their destination, she would have some plan in place to deal with it all. She really was an amazing woman and he sighed, wishing once more that she was his and not someone else’s.

Janice “So, when is Paul going to call back?”

John “In the morning he said”

Janice “I see, how much is Terry’s hospital bills now?”

John “Just over $80 thousand.”

Janice “whose been paying for that?”

John “Seems the ER doctor is, he’s at least the one listed as being the one.”

Janice “Oh? What do we know about him then?”

It was amazing how she could just switch off that smile and then to him, she became even more desirable. The way she would squint her eyes or wrinkle her nose while she thought while talking. It was really an amazing thing to watch.

John “Not much, he’s a top notch ER doctor, very mechanical was the comment, but supposedly he’s changed some, ever since Terry was brought in actually. He’s only 31 and lives with a paramedic named Connor Leeds. The doctor, Bruce Collier, is a son of Major Collier, the local base adjutant and from what we have learned they don’t get along too well.”

Janice “No? Hmm, and you say he lives with a paramedic?”

John “Yes, they are co signers for a mortgage on a rather nice house in a relatively middle class neighbourhood. Nothing fancy really and the credit history shows no abnormalities. Dr Collier makes about $135 thousand a year, while his roommate makes just over $48 thousand.”

Janice “And they are paying the hospital bills? Just what is the relationship between this Collier fellow and the paramedic?”

John   “Our sources say they are romantically involved, lovers is the term I believe, they are both homosexuals, though it wasn’t clear about the doctor until just recently.”

Janice “I see, any way to know if they availed themselves of my son’s particular talents before he was beaten up?”

It was kind of eerie for him, listening to her casually discuss her near dead son’s lifestyles. She had known he had become a prostitute and at the time her only concern had been how it would play if his relationship to her and Jerry came out, and yet it was also almost as if it was a mere business decision. She never did show much emotion about either of her boys, nor her first husband either come to think of it. All she was passionately concerned about was the monthly tally.

John “Uh, well, no, there is no way to know, at least given how uh, how Terry is right now.”

Janice “Yes, and I doubt if he’d tell anyways, he was always rather close mouthed about his own world, well, nothing we can do about that I suppose.”

John “No, not really”

Janice “Whose idea was it to get that showboat Smith?”

John “Uh, Jerry’s Janice, he insisted, and it seems like, well, the Judge certainly cut him down pretty good at the arraignment.”

Janice “I heard, have you found out what his story is? How the hell did this case get before him in the first place?”

John “Still checking on that, but it certainly has some heavy political overtones already, the White House has already issued a statement saying they support their nominee’s position and have no plans of looking elsewhere, in fact they seemed to make it out like this is plus for them, and I guess in a sense it is, but Jerry is fuming Janice, I think he’s gone off on the deep end on this.”

Janice “Yes, well you leave him to me, I’ll soon get that dealt with, now as to Paul, he wants at least that amount deposited plus a percentage more?”

John “Yes”

Janice “Where did he get the balls?”

John “Huh? I mean…”

Janice “You know how Paul has always been such a coward, since when did he ever start to make demands like this?”

John “I don’t know Janice, but judging the tone of his voice, I think he really would go to the press with the story, and well, it could hurt us real bad if he did.”

Janice “You think? How bad?”

John “Could be the start of a rather quick decline, maybe initially about 35%, and that’s being conservative. You know our base has dwindled, at least the really solid one’s and we have been rather overrun with the fanatics, hard to tell but if we lose our middle of the road base, we won’t recover that easy, besides, Jerry seems bent on courting the more radical lately.”

John watched as Janice mulled over his comments. He could see her shrewd mind going over it all and he knew she would come up with a plan that would certainly be better than the one Jerry seemed hell bent on following. That was the problem; Jerry actually believed that he was the brains of the Ministry when John knew it had always been Janice.

He had watched in the early days the way she honed his skills and built him up to the exalted position he had reached. She was the one too who had noticed the decline and had brought about the traveling road show circus that was helping to offset the television decline. There was no doubt who had the brains between the two and in some ways; he was rather scared of her. She could be very ruthless when it came to business.

Janice “Well, he is worried, after all there has been a steady decline, but he won’t admit that it is due to his own rhetoric, well, so you think we should do as Paul has demanded?”

John “Well, I am afraid that is what I am thinking, that we should pay him off and get this out of our hair.”

Janice “Yes, that would seem to be the easiest, but I don’t think it is how we will handle this particular rebellion by my oldest.”

John wasn’t surprised by those words, even though he felt a little uneasy in the pit of his stomach. Whatever anyone said about Janice Jamison Hartwell they could never say that she was afraid of controversy. At times, he thought she reveled in it and so far, she had never really failed in her tactics. Other’s had argued against her, but they never did last long, she did have a mind of her own and she rarely tolerated much in the way of opposition.

It was rather intoxicating to know and be around someone like her. She certainly knew her own mind and she never did fail to arouse him with her keen analytical mind either. He did wonder if she had any weaknesses, or if emotion ever really played a part in her life, but as long as she could insure that steady flow of cash, well it didn’t matter if behind her back some in the ministry called her a ‘cold fish’. All that mattered was that she had the best interests of the Ministry at heart, after all, she was the one who thought it all up.

John “No? Uh, but Janice, if we don’t, he’ll take it to the press, I mean…”

Janice “Yes, that is why I have already schedule a news conference tomorrow at the hospital, for when I visit my youngest son.”

John “WHAT? I mean, sorry, you have scheduled a news conference at the hospital?”

The surprise of her announcement took him completely unawares. He coughed a little as he tried to digest exactly what she had said and more importantly, in trying to figure out just what her plan was. There was no anticipating her, and this announcement only proved that point. On the other hand, he did have to admit that a good offence was generally one way to keep your opponents guessing and so he waited to hear more, knowing that it would certainly be a bold plan.

Janice “Yes, where my husband and I shall visit my son and his step son, it should take any sting out of whatever Paul may say or do after. I think we have to attack this John, in addition, you will make arrangements with the hospital that all of his care is transferred to us, that is to say, we’ll assume full financial responsibility for his care, past and present as well as future, understood?”

John “Yes, but, Janice, I don’t see how you can just…”

Janice “I think there is a real chance here of making this a most lucrative proposition for us John, we could double if not triple our ministry income which will surely cover any expenses we have, plus the PR value alone should be worth millions to us. Has Jerry already taped his sermon for Sunday’s broadcast?”

John “I believe he has, but…”

Janice “Get it stopped, he’ll have to go into a studio tomorrow and redo it, because he has to make this issue more personal, and if he does it in his typical style, why John we should be rolling in it by mid week.”

John “Janice, I don’t see where you are going with this, you aren’t suggesting are you that you and Jerry go public with Terry being your son? I mean, it could drive our base support right out the window…”

Janice “Could, but it won’t, not if Jerry listens and does this the way it should have been handled in the first place. Set up a trust with at least a quarter of a million in it for the hospital to draw on, you can be executor of the fund for now, or better yet; I think we’ll make you and brother Paul co executors. That would definitely put a plug into anything Paul might wish to say, don’t you think? It keeps it separate, and yet makes it look good for the ministry as well as for Jerry, the grieving step father even though his son is a fallen angel, should work very well with our base support, don’t you think?”

The way her mind was working was thrilling to him. He could feel the lump in his pants growing, not to mention his desire for her. She couldn’t help but notice but he didn’t care, not now as his mind grabbled with the facts. 

She was right, if Jerry played it right they could not only appease the more moderates among the membership, but could actually use it to further their paid membership. It would be tricky and would have to be well stage managed, at least Jerry’s part but somehow he was sure that Janice would have him well rehearsed and primed.

By going public they took away Paul’s only really potent hold, and by including him into the plan, well they pretty well neutralized any potential for him being a thorn in their side. He would have everything tainted if he refused the terms of the trust, and if he did go to the press anyways, well they’d be less inclined to listen than if the secret relationship of Terry to Jerry Hartwell was already exposed, by the mother no less.

John “But will Jerry listen?”

Janice “He’ll listen, after all, has he ever not listened to me before?”

John “True, what about his defense of the kid who did the deed?”

Janice “I don’t like that as much, but we can make that work too, I mean isn’t it a ‘Christian’ thing to forgive? Here is the grieving step father reaching out to save another lost soul, I mean seriously John we should get millions of free advertising for the ministry if we just play it right, keep the press conferences to a minimum, and let it all play out. Think about it, he couldn’t save his own stepson, too late as that is now in God’s hands, but he can save, what’s his name? Adam something, from eternal damnation, just think about the press that will generate? Follow it up with some hot televised tent meetings, this could be exactly what the Ministry needed.”

She was right too, if handled right this could turn into something bigger than the Billy Graham Crusades even. How could they miss with Janice behind the scenes orchestrating it all? She’d be out front too, the mournful mother grieving for her wayward son, and she knew how to turn a phrase too. He could see that conference now, the way she’d have those hard-bitten reporters in tears.

Damn, he was mad at himself as he wished he had thought of this instead of resorting to calling her in. This was his job; his function and once more Janice had come to bail him and their precious Ministry out. He sure hoped Jerry appreciated all that she was doing for him.

John “Yeah sure, with Smith? Not much of a chance there Janice.”

Janice “Tell him for each unauthorized press conference he holds, we’ll deduct $100 thousand off his fee, that should keep him in line.”

John “You serious? He’ll quit the case before he accepts that type of deal.”

Janice “And that is a bad thing? No, he’ll accept it; after all it’s the money he wants really, what’s his fee by the way? Five million is what I last heard he charged.”

John “I don’t know, he and Jerry worked out the details, he’s presenting himself as handling this case pro bono but…”

Janice “Well, leave that to me, I’ll find out from Jerry then, okay, anything else I should know?”

John “No, that covers it all I think.”

Janice “Fine, we are about there, you get onto getting more information on that doctor and his playmate too, we might need it, and keep on checking into the Judge too, and oh yeah, time I think to get a tail on my eldest boy, he’s not usually this way so something or someone has changed him, find out which.”

John “okay, I’ll get onto it first thing in the morning.”

Janice “Start now John, there isn’t time to dally here, use my personal lawyer for the hospital trust, also arrange the transfer from the Cayman Island account.”

He could see the steel glint in her eyes and he knew that she wasn’t happy about all this. He also could see how her mind was already working on something else and he wondered if that something else was maybe his replacement? Janice didn’t suffer fools or incompetence very well and he was racking his brain trying to make sure he hadn’t screwed up too badly. He didn’t know how he’d feel if she was to dismiss him.

John “But Jerry won’t like that Janice, how do I explain it to him when he asks?”

Janice “He won’t ask, I’ll tell him first but you just do it, leave Jerry to me, after all, I made him and I can easily break him too, you as well my friend, so just do as I say, okay?”

John “Of course, I always have done as you asked and always will, you know that.”

Janice “Yes, I do.”

The limousine had arrived and a red-coated valet opened the door with a flourish of the fancy white stretch automobile. His face was impassive and yet John noticed how he had looked at Janice as she stepped out. His face had registered a strange happiness as she had her smile back on and had even taken his hand to climb out of the car. She certainly did know how to charm people and he was actually getting excited about the upcoming news conference.

He still thought it was a risk, a huge risk, but he had seen her take other such risks and walk away smiling, successful and in his heart, he felt that this too would succeed, even though deep down inside, there was this nagging feeling that he was missing something and that things weren’t just right. John Childs, Deacon of the Hartwell Ministries shrugged off the warning voice from within as he headed up to his own suite to carry out his new orders. 

Part 3

Chaplain O’Malley made it back to the base just in time for morning mass. He was a bit out of breath at the beginning but he had done the service so many times that it was routine for him except now it seemed to have some new and hidden meaning too. He spoke the words but some of them would suddenly take on a whole new meaning for him that would set his mind off wandering and in some instances, made his heart flutter a little or have him gasp for air suddenly.

Fortunately there never were too many for morning mass and he managed to escape any real notice when he would catch himself on something. For the most part, those who attended this early were off in their own world, doing just as he was doing, repeating words by repetition rather than by conviction.

The vows of the confessional were sacred to him; it was the one last vestiges of his religion that held some promise, at least until now. Now he knew the torment that other priests had talked about as his heart had quailed at first the confession of Adam in the afternoon, and now the confession of an old friend. He had listened in the middle of the night, during a brief visit, and he still could feel the wind blowing across his face from the ocean as he listened to his young friends confession.

It had been a long time since he and Paul had met. Paul had only been a child then, one who was confused and unsure of himself but still there was a hint of much more underneath that timid surface. He had always been sure that Paul would amount to something in the world, and he had followed his path carefully, seeing how he did at school and then university as well.

Mark O’Malley was proud of his young friend and sad too. He had listened to the young inquiring mind asking him questions he couldn’t answer and the gaps in their friendship always seemed the largest when discussing God and his relationship with his children. Paul never could grasp how God could really love his creations and then let them flounder amidst a sea of pain and sorrow. Wars and crimes of hate always seemed to make a wide chasm grow between them, and even Mark’s own peace-keeping duties had only helped to widen that gap between them. 

Chaplain Mark sat back in his leather chair and leaned his head onto the clasped fingertips of his hands under his chin. His eyes grew a bit cloudy as he recalled their first meeting many years ago when Paul had to be no more than 13 or 14 at the time. He was filling in for a local parish priest who had come down with a fever or something, and he had volunteered to help out. He had been assigned to confessions and that was where he first met Paul.

The young man had come to ask God’s forgiveness because he had finally discovered the secret joys of masturbation. In a sense it was tragic, because this fine healthy young man was scared that by touching himself, by making his own body feel good, that he was committing a sin against God. Mark had smiled as the young boy had blurted out his hideous sin and he had tried to reassure him that the feelings were normal and that God understood those urges, after all God had given them to him, when he had created man, so young Paul really had no need to worry, or so he had told him.

On its own that would have been enough, but as he sat in his chair, he realized it was the next question that had started all of his own doubts, all of his own uncertainties that had led him to volunteer for duty in Bosnia and had him now firmly entrenched in the military establishment as well. Sitting, his eyes misted and his heart heavy he remembered the quivering voice as it suddenly shouted out at him “But father, I think of other boys, when I am, when I am doing it, and my dad says that is evil, how then, father, why does God only love those who follow his words only? Why are the Jews or the Muslims not going to heaven?”

Even last night, when Paul had asked him again those very same questions, only more pointed, more direct, he had no answers. How could he answer when in his own heart he knew that it wasn’t true, that all of God’s children were welcomed into his realm, that it wasn’t a choice of his if a soul wandered the dark abyss, but instead was one’s own choice. Chaplain Mark O’Malley leaned back into his soft leather chair, and stared up at the small cross that was the only adornment on the far wall. He looked at the pale image of the figure of Christ and shook his head, because that wasn’t his vision of the Lord’s son at all.

From all accounts, Christ had been a man who worked with his hands, after all he was a carpenter by trade and later a fisherman of man’s souls. No pasty figure was he and yet all the crosses showed an emancipated figure, and he shook his head, wondering just where had religion turned away from God? Paul had been right last night, when he said that God was not the God portrayed by his faith, but was a God who loved all of his children, he had to or else he couldn’t truly be a father to anyone.

The knock on his office door startled him and he almost fell backwards off the chair as he stared at the door, listening to the knock come once more. He settled himself quickly knowing that this too would be a tough session to have, because the person on the other side had many questions that were no different than the one’s he himself was having. He sighed as he answered the third knock and watched as the tall man entered the office, a wan smile across his face and you could see the puffiness around the man’s eyes and Father Mark knew the man had been crying.

Carl “Father”

Chaplain Mark O’Malley “Carl, please, sit down.”

Carl “Thanks, I am not late am I?”

Father Mark “No, no not at all, uh, you okay Carl? You seem rather disheartened tonight, anything you want to tell me?”

Carl “I don’t know, not good really, I just came from the hospital…”

Mark “Yes? And is there any change in your young friend?”

Carl “No, not really, I should go really, it isn’t like he knows I am even there.”

Mark “I don’t know, they say that those in coma’s do know, but it is hard, isn’t it? You really did love him didn’t you Carl?”

Carl “Love him? No, no Father, you have it wrong, he was just a friend, that’s all.”

Mark “If you say so”

Carl “I do”

Mark “There is no shame in admitting how you felt for him, you know that.”

Carl “Please, it is hard enough as it is without adding that into it all, he is just a good friend, that is all, and I can’t stand to see him suffering like this, it eats away at my heart, even at my own faith, it is like, I don’t know, like something gnawing away and I can’t stop it.”

Mark “Yes, I know that feeling too, I suppose in some ways it is a test of our will, our strength and our trust in God too, but we have to tell ourselves that HE does know what HE is doing, as hard as that is.”

Carl “But does HE? I used to say all that myself, but does he father? According to our own precepts, I am doomed because I am who I am, and maybe some of those puritans are right, maybe HE is punishing us for being different, but he made us this way, why would he punish us?”

Mark “That is a question that we will only find out when we are in HIS presence Carl, and you don’t really believe that God would send such a disease down to torment his children, do you?”

Carl “I don’t know anymore, at times I think he wouldn’t, but then I see Terry lying there, helpless and in such pain Father, you can see the waves of pain as they torment him, as they run freely thru his young innocent body, and then I don’t know, I feel such anger, such hatred.”

Mark “Well, that is normal Carl, we all feel that way when we are helpless to aid someone we care for, when we see then in such pain and can’t do anything it is extremely frustrating, and I guess that is where our anger comes from too, but Carl, we have to have faith, it is all we really have to offer, isn’t it?”

Carl “Is it? I don’t know any more, I see Terry and then I see the newspaper headlines and I see that butcher, that animal who did this and the attention he is getting from those who are supposed to be men of God, how can they support someone like him father, how?”

Mark “As much as you don’t want to hear this, you must, but it is because he too is just as deserving of God’s love and support as you or your friend are, God’s love isn’t conditional, it can’t be, and maybe that is where our faith has to help us, has to hold us in his hand and soothe our anger, cool our tempers, because it is his love that we are all seeking, isn’t it? And yet, there is nothing to seek, because his love is always there, for the taking.”

Carl “Yes, maybe but how can anyone like that monster be deserving of HIS love? How can God love his children but let us do these horrible things to each other? What kind of father is that?”

Mark “One who must shed a great many tears for his children Carl, because at times being a true father means letting your children feel for themselves, decide for themselves, even if that choice is not what is right, even if that choice brings pain and sorrow to others, and to him too.”

Carl “I wish I could believe that, it is so hard Father, I just don’t know if I can believe anymore, and that frightens me, I know my time is nearing, I have been lucky so far, but the day is going to come, and I don’t know if I’ll have that faith, that trust…”

Mark “Is there any change in your condition Carl?”

Carl “No, nothing really, the white cell count is still at acceptable levels, but it won’t last forever, and with Terry and all that is going on, I don’t know if I can bear this, it is, I don’t know, it is like living in a void where what is right doesn’t exist anymore, you know, they are saying this animal, this so called person, might get off? I can’t believe it, and what is worse, this vile specimen is being supported by the very people who should be condemning him, I just don’t know anymore.”

Mark “No, I guess it does seem all upside down, doesn’t it? But Carl, there is a purpose to all this, we just don’t know what it is, we just have to trust in God, after all, he is the creator, isn’t he?”

Carl “Yes, but of what Father? Is he the creator of love or of hatreds? Is he the God of all of us or is he the God of the select anointed few? I just don’t know anymore, which scares me, because I always believed, no matter how bad my life got, I always had HIM to guide me, but he isn’t there now Father, it is like he has suddenly abandoned me, and I feel so alone, so helpless, I just don’t know what to do.”

Mark “It may seem that way now Carl, but trust in him, he has not abandoned you for one second, whether you can feel his presence or not, God is always with you my son, he is always with all of us, we are his children and he is the true father, and I just know, he would never abandon any of us, and yes, that includes you and your friend Terry, but Carl, it also includes Adam, and all that are like him.”

Carl “I don’t know if I can believe that anymore father, I just don’t know, because if that is true, then why is he letting Terry suffer so much? Why can’t he let him go home to his arms then if he cares so much? Why does he let him linger, in pure agony and pain, his family torn with the grief, his friends in anguish over his suffering, why doesn’t he let him go home? Why?”

Mark “I don’t know Carl, I really don’t know why other than his work here on earth isn’t finished yet, for whatever reason there is, his time is just not now. I wish I knew why he hasn’t come to take Terry home, why he has allowed all of this suffering to continue, but then it is his will and we must have faith in that, we must trust that HE knows what he is doing.”

Carl “And what if he really doesn’t? What then?”

Mark “Then, well then, we are doomed I suppose, for evil will have triumphed, and no matter how much I feel tested, no matter how dark it seems to be, I just know, deep in my heart that HE does indeed know. Why? I haven’t a clue as to why I feel this way, does anyone really know why? Does the writer who writes his words know why they affect some people or the teacher ever know why their lessons or words spoken in class make one child become a gang banger while another may become President? All I do know is that is how it is, that God is there, that he does exist and that he does know the answers, and that is all I can really say to you, that God does know.

I can’t explain it, why sometimes it appears as if evil wins the day, is it because God cares for us less in those times or is that man has lost his hope and so has given evil an opening? I don’t know but Carl, I do know that it is at times like this when you must try harder to have faith in HIM, to hold his existence in you even tighter and to not turn your back on his light, this is when you need him the most and he is there, he is here now, you just need to look inside and call for him, HE will answer Carl, you just need to keep the faith, he will answer you.”

Carl “Yes, so I have been told before Father, and yet it isn’t easy to hold onto that thought, that he is up there listening and just waiting for me to call for HIM. I have heard this before, and maybe it is true, but what if it isn’t? What then father?”

Mark “I can’t answer that Carl, because I cannot believe that such a thing is possible, that this entire creation of a race, is merely someone’s joke, someone’s idle play toy that is no longer of interest to them, no Carl, I cannot accept that, and I can’t even begin to tell you why it is how I feel, it just is, from deep within me, HIS fire burns inside and I know it.”

Chaplain Mark O’Malley stared at the earnest face of the young bouncer and he could see the eyes, the emptiness that was inside and he felt a cold chill run through his body. It was as if he was looking at a person dead, even though his heart still beat, even though his mind still functioned, inside where his soul was was nothing but emptiness. He grew cold as he watched the eyes flutter and the muscles relax slightly and yet the emptiness continued to haunt his own weakened spirit.

Sure, he had spoken the words, he even believed them and yet he too was still questioning those very beliefs. How could he be a healer of one’s soul, of one’s spirit if his own was weak and sagging? There had to be an answer somewhere, some words that he could speak that would not just help Carl but himself too for he too felt the emptiness rising inside, despite his own inner battle to keep it from enveloping him and making him dead to the world as well.

The conversation lagged as both men struggled with their inner thoughts and feelings. The moment had passed and Chaplain O’Malley knew it. He knew that he had lost another round to the faceless enemy and another soul was left naked and defenseless because he, a man of God, couldn’t find the right words. The pain inside was ripping him apart and yet anyone walking in would only notice a sadness, and nothing more.

Carl was a tall man and yet as he left the Chaplain’s office, he appeared so much shorter. His shoulder sagged from the weight of his troubles and his doubts and a piece of Chaplain’s Mark heart ripped at the sight. There had to be an answer somewhere, and he could feel his heart struggling with it all, his soul crying for the young troubled man and yet he knew inside, deep down in the furthest regions of his spirit, that Carl’s faith would be tested even further before any answer would be found.

Chaplain Mark sighed and the pain in his temple grew sharper as he reached for the nearly full bottle of Cutty Sark whiskey in his bottom desk drawer. He rarely drank but this would be one of those times as he filled a small water glass full with the brown fluid and took a long steady drink of it. He was frightened at what he had seen in Carl’s face, or more accurately what he hadn’t seen in his face. Carl left, looking like a man already dead, and that made Chaplain Mark shudder again.

Part 4

Commander Brian Sullivan stared across at his boss, Richard Sinclair and wondered just what the veteran fire fighter and paramedic thought about the whole thing. There was no telling as the man kept a poker face during most meetings but the busy eyebrows sometimes were a give away as to the intensity of the man’s thoughts. He could see the way they were moving up and down now that Richard Sinclair was not in a good mood, but then that was to be expected given the news that had come down the pipe.

He sighed a little as he waited for his boss to read through the brief memo and he could tell that there was going to be some outburst, and he didn’t blame him. In a sense he felt the outrage himself, not just at what was happening but at how it was being dealt with. For whatever reason the DA’s office appeared to be going all out to crucify two of his men, and while he thought they deserved some punishment, he didn’t think criminal charges was the way to go. 

Not only that, but there was already signs that this whole mess was going to become a three ring media circus and so here he was, to try and figure out with his boss, the man who pioneered the entire paramedic program for the city, how best to deal with the current situation. He was angry too at the way his men seemed to be handling the whole issue. Many of them it seemed, actually supported the unconchable actions of paramedics Nick Stephenson and rookie Sam Kursk

Personally he didn’t know too many gays, in fact as he thought about it the only real one he was certain of was Connor Leeds and if Connor was a typical gay, well, he had mixed emotions about that. Connor was way too mouthy for his liking and hell, the guy should keep his private life quiet, not flaunt it around like he had in the past. It made people uncomfortable and had been a source of contention for some time, until he was finally partnered with Parker Williams.  

Just thinking about Parker he began to wonder about him. After all, he was the only one who seemed to handle being with Connor, even though Connor was a top notch paramedic and heck, if he was honest, he would have to say that Connor was better at this job than anyone else he had, but his mouth made him a pariah. How Parker was able to put up with it, shift after shift, was beyond his thinking but then he started to think about some of the rumours that were going around.

At first he didn’t buy them but now, thinking back to it all, maybe there was some substance to them. After all, no other supposedly straight person had managed more than 3 or 4 months with Connor, yet Parker seemed to have it down pat. He presented himself as straight but he knew that didn’t necessarily make him straight, but then too, it didn’t make him gay either. His trouble was that there were going to be questions about this, he just knew it and especially if this went to a criminal trial then there would be no avoiding it. 

District Commander Richard Sinclair “How serious is this ADA Brian?”

Commander Brian Sullivan “Very serious Dick, he’s got his own political agenda happening, and he’s not going to have good press out of the proceedings against the perp so this is most likely his way of making up for that.”

Richard Sinclair “I see, and how solid of a case does he have?”

Brian Sullivan “Solid I think, there are witnesses, non gay witnesses who verify Parker’s report, Nick and Sam simply stood by ignoring one victim completely, the other team of Parker and Connor were handling the other victim.”

Richard “So, what’s their story?”

Brian “Sam doesn’t have one, other than he did what he was told to do by his superior, Nick Stephenson, and Nick’s, well his lame excuse is that upon arriving at the scene, they determined the victim was gay, and that due to the excessive amount of blood, he was unprepared to risk his own health, as the safety equipment was not sufficient to protect him and his partner, in his estimation anyways. That’s his story so far.”

Richard “Safety equipment? What, he had gloves, they carry splash shields and even quick disposable gowns, what isn’t sufficient about that?”

Brian “Well, it’s a union beef too Dick, they have been arguing that the stuff is too flimsy, it doesn’t resist tears and as such has a potential health risk when dealing with patients who are bleeding profusely. They do have some points that make sense Dick.”

Paramedic Chief and District Commander Richard Sinclair stared over at Commander Brian Sullivan and looked him square in the eyes. He knew that Brian was a good paramedic, a good commander and his department held many awards for their acts of heroism, but this nonsense, he should have seen it coming, he should have known that there was dissention in the ranks about this issue, but then, as he sighed, he knew he too should have known. It wasn’t like he was unaware of the union’s beef about the safety equipment to prevent direct contact with a patients body fluids, but damn it, their job was to save lives, not stand idly by and watch one expire simply because that person was queer.  That wasn’t their decision to make, it was God’s and he truly believed that God was showing his disapproval by the way the AIDS disease was still spreading.

In all of his years on the job, this was becoming the one issue that threatened everything he had worked for. If his paramedics wouldn’t or couldn’t provide the on scene care expected by the citizens, then how could he justify their continued presence? Was his unit racist? He had fought hard for the integration of minorities into the system, had bullied and pressured all forms of government to get minorities into the program, and yet when it came to gays, he hadn’t done anything about that issue. He had turned his own back on them too and sitting here now, his large gnarled hands wrapped around a summary report from Brian, he knew he had failed to maintain his own objectivity. He had let his own personal views intercede into how he ran his department and now the whole department might have to pay a hefty price for that.

Richard “This ADA, he’s really going to push this all the way?”

Brian “Yeah, I think the way he got burned by the Judge in the criminal action that he really has no choice here. Dick, he’s not going to soft pedal this, he’ll use the media just as any other politician does, I think we are in for a real rough ride here.”

Richard “Anyway of cutting a deal maybe?”

Brian “I don’t know, what kind of deal can we cut anyways? Nick isn’t going to be easy to get into line, and from what I hear, he’s got a line on some hot shot lawyer, to be honest Dick, I think he wants this to go to criminal trial, I really do.”

Richard “Figures, this Stephenson, a real hard ass?”

Brian “I don’t know if I’d call him that, no, no he’s not a hard ass Dick, he’s just your run of the mill bully I guess, and now he’s got a chance at the limelight, I don’t think he’ll allow himself to be handled.”

Richard “I see, who’s the ADA on this Brian?”

Brian “He’s a good one, despite yesterday’s fiasco, his name is Victor Neilson.”

Richard “Him? Shit, so we are in the middle of a political bid then aren’t we? He’s angling for DA isn’t he?”

Brian “That’s the rumour.”

Richard “Who is his political man, any idea?”

Brian “Yeah, its Norm Cochrane”

Richard “Cochrane? Christ, he’s a heavyweight, I have had some dealings with him over the years, okay, I think maybe we can work this out but we are going to have to move fast, can you guarantee me Kursk’s co-operation?”

Brian “Yeah, that I can, but if you are thinking of throwing them Stephenson, I have to tell you, there is a lot more support for him in the ranks than I think we know about.”

Richard “How’s that? I thought our members were dedicated professionals? How can any number support the likes of Stephenson?”

Brian “I think because we haven’t dealt properly with this whole gay issue, many of the men are simply ignorant of the facts Dick, I mean hell, we have monthly lectures about drug addiction, burnout signs, suicide feelings, and every thing else except being gay or dealing with AIDS and all of that, we have kind of dropped the ball there, we need to educate the people Dick.”

Richard “Yeah, I guess you are right, but oh shit, it’s my fault I suppose, I knew we should have dealt with it more openly, but it just goes against the grain for me, I don’t quite accept this being gay as being anything but a choice, I can’t see it being predetermined or anything like that.”

Brian “Well, I really don’t know, I mean boss, Connor Leeds is our best, and yet I have passed him over at least twice, simply because he’s gay I guess, never really thought about it until now, but he scares me each time I have to deal with him, like he’s got some disease that I might catch, and I think that’s basically how most of the members feel, we are just plain scared.”

Richard “There isn’t much we can do about that right now, after we will have to, for now we need to get our asses out of the fire. If this turns into a state vs. paramedics we are going to suffer big time, ordinary citizens will distrust us, politicians will question our funding, hell, we could get shut down and be forced to start under some other agency, so you get a hold of Norm, set up a meeting for later today, tell him I am asking personally, as a favour, that he meets with us today. Got that?”

Brian “Yes Sir.”

Richard “Good, then I want that Kursk and his lawyer in here too, before I meet with Norm, we have to cut him a deal, a big one too. We need to make Stephenson the fall guy totally, that means I want no disciplinary action taken against Kursk either, you’ll have to get the review board to simply reprimand him, after all he’s a rookie, that should play well with the rank and file, and mitigate any dissention caused by Stephenson being hung out to dry.”

Brian “That’s a tall order Dick, I mean there is a fair amount of resentment against gays in the rank and file, I don’t see how we can sacrifice Stephenson and not Kursk as well, the ranks won’t stand for it Dick, and the review board is already talking about turfing Kursk anyway, I don’t think…”

Richard “Commander, you make it happen, you tell those idiots on the review board that if they do so much as even talk about leave without pay for a single day they had better start planning their own retirement party, do I make myself clear?”

Brian “Yes Sir”

Richard “Good, look Brian, I know this is shit, we have no choice, I didn’t work 25 years to see all this go down the tubes because some stupid ass bully didn’t do his job, and I haven’t even begun to assess the potential civil liabilities we might be facing, so let’s get this done, and save our department, okay?”

Brian “You really think it could get that far?”

Richard “Yes, if we don’t get any breaks on this, and if we don’t move heaven and earth, yeah it could get to that point, hell, you know how tough it is each year to get funding, there are a lot on city council who think we should either be totally integrated into the Fire Department, or made totally separate. Hell the Chief himself has voiced his concerns that our budget detracts from the main funding for the department, so can you imagine how they’ll react if we get tarred as being selective in our treatment, and what if the family sues us? Do you think we’d stand a hope in hell in court on that? Hell, I am surprised that the ACLU or some other bleeding hearts group isn’t already pounding at the doors.”

Brian “No, no I guess not, but there isn’t any signs that the family is going to sue, I mean okay, one has a lover but he has no legal standing so I don’t expect that to bite us too hard.”

Richard “Don’t count on that, who is paying the bills anyway? Shit, they have to be in the 50 or 60 thousand range by now, do we know?”

Brian “Uh, well, yeah, uh technically right now the bills are being paid or at least guaranteed by the hospital’s chief surgical doctor in ER, a Doctor Bruce Collier.”

Richard “What do you mean technically? I don’t like the sound of that, and why would the hospital’s doctor do that? Did he know this kid or something?”

Brian “Not that we know, but uh, well Doctor Collier shares his home with, shit, he is Connor Leeds lover or whatever it is they call each other.”

Richard Sinclair leaned back in his office chair with a look of complete amazement written all over his face. His eyebrows were working overtime as he tried to digest the information and Brian Sullivan watched as the eyes narrowed and he saw a strange flicker inside, as if an idea was forming that would maybe ease the mess that the department was in. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt a strange exhilaration as he watched his superior collect himself. It was like heading off to do battle or so it seemed, and he was about to get his own personal marching orders.

Richard “Are you certain of this? I mean the relationship between the doc and Connor?”

Brian “Yes, why?”

Richard “Damn it, that’s perfect, we can use that, Brian you get a hold of Norm, and Kursk and his lawyer, then I also want you to get this Connor in here, I want to talk to him after I see everyone else, got it?”

Brian “Okay, but I don’t understand, how does this help us?”

Richard “Leave that to me for now, if we can get the rest in place, we just might score big here instead of having to wipe off the shit, go, we have work to do.”

Brian Sullivan left his chief’s office with a strange sense of uncertainty. Things were moving in a direction that he had never thought about or envisioned. He didn’t like the idea that they were going to try and use Nick Stephenson as the fall guy. He deserved it, there was no doubt about that but still, he was one of their own and it went against the grain to toss one of your own to the wolves. It just wasn’t something done lightly but he knew that the Chief wasn’t doing anything lightly.

He had to admire him too, the way he took full responsibility for the lack of education regarding gays and their particular brand of difficulties that paramedics had to deal with. But then, he too was to blame for it, he should have pressed harder for the very things that Connor Leeds had pressed him for. God, if only he hadn’t been so scared of Connor and his differences, maybe that other victim wouldn’t have died, though he doubted if any on scene care could have saved him. There was just too much damage done by the hoodlums, and the ironic part of it all was that scuttlebutt had it that the guy in custody could easily walk on the charge, because the evidence was too shaky. God, what a mess they were in.

Whatever happened in this, he knew one thing, that life being a paramedic in this city was going to be vastly different than it ever had been before. He also wondered just what did the Chief have in mind with Connor and how could the fact that Connor’s lover was paying the shot so far help them? He was perplexed but also strangely energized. What was a dark and bleak moment in his career seemed to suddenly have new life.

Part 5

The boat was anchored about a mile from shore, and Ashley could see Rob’s head as it rolled from side to side with the gentle motion of the large wooden sailboat. He watched with a blank expression, wondering briefly what Rob might be dreaming about and then he started to look around. The sun was shining and he felt its warmth caressing his naked chest. 

He had no idea how long he had slept either, but he had wakened to the sound of someone diving into the ocean and the soft chatter of what could only be a dolphin. As he woke, he felt the soft fabric of a blanket that had been wrapped around him and he wondered if it had been Rob or Paul that had come and placed it over him while he had slept?

Looking at Rob, seeing another blanket over his body too, he knew that it had been Paul that had covered them both up. God, he must have been awake all night and as he stretched and let the mornings light wake him, he tried to remember his dreams but his mind refused him. He really wasn’t even sure if he had dreamed anything while asleep, but for some strange reason he felt rather refreshed, more like he could function than not and that was an amazing feat considering all that had transpired in the short time.

The ache in his heart was till there though, and he automatically looked heavenwards, wondering if anyone up there was listening to the constant prayers of his soul? He didn’t know if Terry had made it across even and yet somehow, deep within the recess of his heart he knew Terry was still here, still with him and he felt a tear drip down from the corner of one eye.

Ashley stood up and let the blanket fall to the deck of the swaying boat and he stared outwards, looking first at the dark hump outline of the coast far off in front of him, and he felt tired, almost as if he knew what waited for him there and the battles that were waiting. His body could feel it, and it was already battle worn and scarred and yet something deeper inside of him was telling him that it would be okay, that he would manage to survive whatever it was that now awaited for him back on shore.

He breathed in the sea air and smelt the strange fragrance of the ocean as it filled his nostrils and made his tiredness a little less prominent. He turned around to glare out at the endless horizon of the ocean and he felt his heart lift up a little, felt his ache ease just a touch deep inside of his soul as he looked out, wondering if his and Terry’s island would ever be real or would it only exist in their dreams? The pain was there but it didn’t consume him like it had before and he knew that was from Terry, from the love that had been given him and his eyes were moist now as he once more drew the image of Terry and himself standing under a large palm tree, the wind blowing gently around their two naked bodies, as they held each other and watched the dolphins playing in the lagoon of their island.

Sighing he looked down and there he saw the grey fin moving along the surface of the ocean, barely knifing thru it as if it was just gliding along, and he moved a bit to the right with his gaze to see the long golden arm of Paul as he hung on and moved thru the water by the sheer pull of the dolphin’s fin. His tall body was stretched outwards and Ashley could see that Paul was wearing nothing but his shorts and yet his feet were barely moving as they just seemed to be circling, going nowhere but just, well, as strange as it sounded inside his head, it looked like two old friends just walking thru the park sharing their deepest thoughts and fears.

Ashley walked towards the side of the boat and he leaned against the polished wooden railing to stare at Paul and the dolphin. Funny how dolphins kept popping into his thoughts? There was something mystical about those animals and the way they just seemed to know what you were thinking. It was an eerie thought and yet one that brought him a strange comforting warmth too. How could he explain it, and yet it was almost as if he really didn’t have to explain it. Looking at Paul as his head was now resting on the back of the dolphin, he was certain that the two of them were actually conversing, as impossible as it sounded and yet, didn’t he himself feel he had spoken with the dolphins? Didn’t they come to him in his hour of need and take him to Terry?

Leaning on that warm rail, he drifted off wondering what it would be like to have really swam with the dolphins and Terry? Would it have been as warm and exhilarating as his body felt in his dreams? Would it have felt as spiritual? Thinking about that, he felt a strange beat next to his own heart and he closed his mind to everything as he tried to make sense out of the strange new beat that was pounding loudly next to his own beating heart. He felt panic for a moment and then he sighed, knowing that even now, despite the distance Terry was reaching out for him and he smiled as his own heart began to roar out louder, drowning everything out but that one single extra beat. He heard his own heart thunder outwards, sending his own message of love back to the one that had reached out for him.

Everything was so confusing to him, the way police acted in the city or the way doctors and nurses would look at him when he had gone to see Terry. It was all strange and rather disheartening but all of that could reach for him but they would never touch him, never reach past that invisible barrier that had grown up in such a short time. His bond with Terry was just that, a bond, one forged out of real love and nothing could ever take that from him now, he knew that now and so his sadness no longer was unbearable. Sure it hurt, it hurt like bloody hell but he knew that he could survive it, surmount it even given time and for that he would always be thankful to Terry. 

There was so much that he wanted to do with Terry, to experience with him and while fate seemed to have conspired to deny him all of that, he still had their island and there he knew he would always find Terry. Whenever things would get bad, and they would, he knew that he could rely on the dolphins and his love to carry him forwards to their island. He knew that Terry would never leave that island until he, Ashley, had joined him on the other side, but until then, they would have their island.

Looking at the shimmering blue green waters beneath he saw Terry’s face and he cried now, tears rolling down his cheeks as he was sure that Terry would soon leave this world for the next, but as the tears grew larger and came faster, he also knew deep in his heart that even when Terry did finally get his peace, that a piece of him would always rest with him and so he closed his eyes, letting the soft gentle beat of Terry’s heart mix with his own and he let his ears hear nothing else but that mixed wonderful sound. He felt the warmth of his love reaching out and he could feel Terry’s own love for him touch his soul and he knew that despite all the distance, despite all the pain, the grief, they were still together and that made him smile, even as the tears dropped from his face to mix with the soft swirling current of the great Pacific Ocean.

Paul didn’t know why or what was happening around him, all he could feel was a strange sense of peace that seemed to be invading his entire body. He had swam with his companion for over an hour and now the two of them rested amidst the wide expanse of the Pacific Ocean . He could feel the heart beat coming from the warm skin of the dolphin and he could hear its short gasps of air as it breathed and yet he also smelled a strange aroma, not of fish or even of the ocean, but of a tropical island and its lush vegetation.

For a few seconds he wondered if it was that island he had seen in his dreams and as the thought passed before him, the image of two young men holding hands passed in front of him. He could feel the strange bond that held them together and he could even see the pure joy that each of them had for the other. It was still hard for him to distinguish who they were but deep in his soul he could hear the answer being formed and now he grew even more silent, his legs falling beneath the waters surface, where by instinct he tread water, even though there was no need. His body was being well supported by the still torpedo shaped dolphin and now all other sounds seemed to vanish from his hearing.

Paul was feeling like the world was changing all around him and he felt the deep regret he had of not knowing more about his brother, and yet the thought lasted merely for a second, because as the pain of losing his brother began to rise up, the memories of happy times flooded his mind and his heart quickened its beat as it too began to join in the silent reminisces of happier times. Not know Terry? No, he knew his brother and he knew more than a loss of ten years could ever create. 

Terry was still the same person, older maybe, more scars and sorrows maybe, but he was still the same daunting young man that he had been ten years before. Paul knew that, and he knew too that Terry was with him still, that he wasn’t yet finished with his time on man’s earth and that began to trouble him. He only wanted for Terry to find the peace he deserved, and it was for that reason only that he had given his instructions to Doctor Bruce Collier, and yet despite all of that, Terry still had the last word. He still refused to leave and Paul slowly began to understand the reasons.

Slowly he understood how one person could fall under another’s spell and his heart grew more impatient as his thoughts turned away from Terry and grew more focused on Rob. How could he even think that someone as warm and considerate as Rob would want him, but then past words would flood his mind, past words that Terry had said to him and yet hadn’t said. He could see it in Ashley’s face too, the way he could almost communicate with Terry, even now, when all who were supposed to know said it was impossible. But then, that too was Terry, doing the impossible simply because someone had said he couldn’t do it.

Even now he could still hear Terry’s voice as he had covered Ashley up with a blanket during the night. He must be crazy, but he was certain he had heard himself talking with Terry, listening as Terry told him how lucky he was to have someone like Ashley and that it was time for Paul to have someone too. Strange, but he could still hear himself telling a ghost that he couldn’t find someone like Ashley and yet even as he spoke the words, deep in his soul he was certain that he felt a shifting, a movement that was both uncomfortable and unsettling to him. The words of his younger brother echoed deeply inside of him as he heard the laugh, that sharp joyous laugh that always signaled Terry’s mirth, happiness.

Terry “Oh Brother, you are so innocent, and yet you are so much older than me.”

Paul “Well it isn’t like I haven’t tried, you know that.”

Terry “Haha, yes I do, but dear dear Paul, always so quiet and studious, look around you, look at this marvelous boat that you have and then look at who you have in it?”

Paul “It is a good boat Terry, you would have enjoyed sailing in her”

Terry “Oh but I will sail in her, with him and with him too, at least, if you stop beating yourself up and go for it, I would like that you know.”

Paul “Terry, how can you, God I am crazy, I am out in the middle of the damn Pacific Ocean talking to my brother who is in a coma back in the hospital, not out here, how can this be?”

Terry “How? Because we are brothers, because no matter what lies between us we have always had that one thing that made us special.”

Paul “What was that?”

Terry “Haha, not was brother, is, and that is the love we hold for each other, it isn’t the same as the love I have for Ashley over there, but it is as strong and as powerful, and one day soon, maybe you too will know that other kind of love, at least, if you listen to me”

Paul “I want to Terry, God only knows I want to, but Rob? He can’t love me, not with all I have done, he has to hate me but he’s only being nice because of Ashley, and well, because of your memory I think.”

Terry “Yes, maybe some of that is true, but look at him over there Paul, he didn’t chose to rest next to you because he was being polite, he chose it because he is in love with you, he isn’t sure why, or even if he can please you, but he wants to try.”

Paul “How can you, Terry, why don’t you worry about yourself? You always were worrying about other people, you took the rap for me with our parents and the magazines, and yet my repayment was to tell them to turn off all the machines, how can you still, I mean, Terry, you are all I have every thought about these last years, and yet, I was so scared of you, of what you were doing…”

Terry “Yes, I know, and now it is up to me to decide, isn’t that really what you were doing? Giving me back my dignity, giving me the choice? That is what I wanted, and you gave it to me brother, and Rob, he wants that chance too, will you give it to him like you did for me?”

The soft chatter broke through his recollection of earlier that morning and he shuddered a little, still wondering if he was losing his mind. How could he have talked with someone who was basically dead already? There was limited brian activity, so the doctors said, and his heart was near expiration and barely beating, yet he had spoken to him, had talked with him and seen his face too, he had watched the lips moving and he had heard the voice speaking, but how? It was impossible but deep in his heart, buried deeper in his soul, he knew that what he dreamed was real, that he had indeed talked to Terry and now, now he didn’t know what to do because he had promised Terry, and he couldn’t let him down again, could he?

Part 6

The strange antics of the monitors continued to plague the small ICU room and the nurse on duty continued to glance from the whining machines to the still body that rested there. She could see the chest moving up and down as it breathed in the air from the mask but other than that, there was no sign of life, not a single sign and yet the machines continued to show strange readings.

It was almost as if the ghost of the young man was walking in the room, playing with the machines as it waited for the human flesh and bones to surrender to the inevitable. The nurse continued to feel nervous; to feel frightened even though she knew it just had to be some damn mechanical glitch and yet none of the technicians could find anything wrong with the equipment. Hell, they had changed virtually every machine at least three times, and still they would beep or buzz when there wasn’t anything for them to beep or buzz about. It wasn’t possible, so everyone said, still, she didn’t quite believe that, after all, there were miracles still, weren’t there?

Everything looked so wonderful, he turned one way to see an immense field of gently blowing grass and he smiled, remembering how as a child he loved to run barefoot thru the tall grass in the park. That was when things were so much simpler and all he cared about then was chasing the strange little flying creatures and the feel of fresh grass and dirt squishing between his toes. It really was a wonderful feeling and his heart seemed buoyed by the vision of him doing that once more.

Turning to another view he saw the soft gentle roll of the green ocean as it rolled on endlessly. He could see himself now, swimming among the small rolling waves with dolphins frolicking all around him and once more his heart skipped a beat as his mind went back to Ashley and their dream island. Now that is what he really would like to see again, the soft golden beach marred only by their footprints and nothing else. Just them, standing under the huge palm trees, letting the warm ocean breeze blow across their naked bodies and out in the lagoon their three friends would be playing.

That was what he wanted to see as he turned to another side to see a small country setting. He could see horses off in the distance galloping along the tall grassy fields and further off to one side was a small house,  a gently drifting wisp of grey smoke curling up out of the chimney. It looked so domestic and so tranquil that he felt all warm and fuzzy inside as he watched a tall thin reed like figure coming up the gentle sloping hill in front of the house.

The person looked vaguely familiar as it came closer and he saw that the person wasn’t very tall. At best they looked to be no more than maybe 5ft 10in or a bit shorter. Long hair flowed behind the head, a sort of dark colour it appeared as he stood there, wondering who this person could be, and knowing that somehow he knew the person.

Slowly the person walked up the hill and now Terry stepped back a little as he recognized the young man. He smiled and shook his head, and at the same time he felt a sort of happiness for the other person as he could see the joy in Marvin’s face. There wasn’t any haggard expression, and the soft hazel eyes were no longer darting every which way, looking out for possible trouble, instead they looked so calm, so relaxed, and most importantly so happy.

Marvin “Hi Terry”

Terry “Wow Marvin, you are looking good, I never seen you so happy as this.”

Marvin “I know, back there, well, that was there, this is here and for the first time I really feel like I belong.”

Terry “So I see, I am glad.”

Marvin “I know you are, uh, Terry, I am sorry for all that happened to you, but…”

Terry “I know, it isn’t your fault anyways, and I should have been looking out more, but it’s done now, so no sense in complaining. I can’t get over how well you look, you put on weight?”

Marvin “Haha, never tell a girl that, but yeah, I have, it is what I wanted, and now I can at least be who I always wanted to be, it is so wonderful up here Terry, no one judges you, no one calls you names or calls you down for being who you are, you will enjoy it up here.”

Terry “I know, but, I don’t know if I am ready.”

Marvin “Oh…”

Terry could feel the disappointment in Marvin’s voice but he couldn’t help it, he really didn’t want to be up here just yet. There was so much more he wanted to experience, to feel back down there and he smiled at Marvin and then reached out with one hand and ran it gently down the soft milky cheek as he stared into the soft hazel eyes of Marvin. He could feel his disappointment, but he also could feel his understanding as the young man simply smiled back at him and then slowly turned to walk back down the soft sloping green hill.

His heart ached a little as the young man left him but as he walked away, he could tell that at least Marvin was happy with where he was. Maybe one day he and Ashley would be here too, and maybe their love would flourish even more in a place like this, a garden where life wasn’t built around money or personal trappings. He just didn’t want to be here without Ashley, which was his problem even though it was all so enticing and so peaceful.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it Terry?”

The voice startled him, as he didn’t know at first where it had come from. It just seemed to be from everywhere and his head swiveled until he spotted the old man behind him. He stared into his face and he felt an amazing glow of warmth filling his entire body. His soul started to sing and dance inside of him and he felt so calm, almost as if he was about to fall asleep and yet he wasn’t tired. Terry just felt like suddenly he was at home, at home where nothing was out of place and there was nothing to hurt him, nothing to torment him and no one to attack him. It was like he was suddenly safe and at the same time, he could feel this unbridled sense of love reaching out for him. 

Terry “Yes, yes it is.”

Old Man “It is all here for you my son, whatever your heart desires, you just need to visualize it and you can have it all.”

Terry “I know, but all I want is my island, the one I share with Ashley”

Old Man “Yes? Well, the island is here, but not Ashley, it isn’t his time to come here yet.”

Terry “I am glad for that, but still, I’d rather be closer to him, down there I am.”

Old Man “You know where this place is my son?”

Terry “Yes, I do.”

Old Man “And yet you’d rather remain down there?”

Terry “Ashley is there.”

Old Man “You are a very special young man, you know what you risk by being down there?”

Terry “I think so, I know this place, and it is more beautiful than I ever dreamed it was, but it is nothing compared to how I feel when I can feel his heart beating next to mine, or hear his voice whispering into my ear, or the way my spirit feels when his hand touches mine, does that anger you?”

Old Man “Anger me? Oh no my son, it only brings me great joy to know how much you love Ashley, I can never be angry with you, you are my son.”

Terry “But I must disappoint you, isn’t that why I was punished?”

Old Man “Disappoint me? No Terry, you have not disappointed me at all, you have brought great joy to my heart and that is why I am letting you have this look, so that you can decide on your own, this is your home my son, it is where you came from and it where you will finally come to rest for all eternity.”

Terry “It feels so warm and comfortable, I really don’t want to leave it, but I can’t leave Ashley and then there is Paul and Rob too, I have so much to tell them, to share with them, I really can’t come home now, I know that isn’t what you wish, but please, I really would be happier back with them, I need them so much.”

Old Man “More than you need the love of your true father?”

Terry “I don’t know, to be in your arms, yes that would be perfect, but it would be for me, and they need so much more than me, but you would still be here, later, wouldn’t you?”

Old Man “Of course I would be, I will always be here for you when you are ready, that is what a father does Terry, still, are you sure? Are you prepared for all that going back might mean?”

Terry “I don’t know if I am or not, but I know in my heart that I have to at least try, don’t I?”

The old man stared into Terry’s eyes and he reached out with one of his ancient hands. The skin was pale and drawn almost, tight around the wrist and wrinkled with age and yet as it touched Terry, he could feel a steel like strength inside those ancient fingers. The strength was even more intense as the gnarled looking fingers slowly gripped Terry’s shoulder and his face was drawn to gaze into the warm glowing eyes of the old man.

Old Man “How do you know that what you are feeling is real my son? How?”

Terry “How? I don’t know, I guess the same way I know who you are, or where I am now.”

Old Man “And yet knowing who I am, where you are, you still wish to take the long road home?”

Terry “I must, if not for me, for those who I love, and who love me, isn’t that what you have tried to teach us all? To do for others what we would have them do for us?”

Old Man “Haha, yes that is true, but then would you have Ashley come back if it was he here instead of you, or Paul?”

Terry “No, no I wouldn’t.

Old Man “And why them and not you?”

Terry “They deserve to be here, whenever they get here, I don’t, at least, well, not now.”

Old Man “But is that for you to decide? Isn’t it for me to decide?”

Terry “Maybe, but do I not have that right? To decide?”

Old Man “You and all of my children have free will, that is my gift to each of you, how you use it is of course up to you, but are you sure of what you are choosing?”

Terry “Sure? No, maybe not, the only thing I am sure of is that I love them, that I need to be closer to them more than I need to be at peace, as for the rest, no I am not sure, but it is what I have to do.”

Old Man “And how will you be of help if you can’t move?”

Terry “It won’t matter, at least I’ll be able to feel his touch, hear his voice, and he will hear mine, that will be enough.”

Old Man “And if you can’t speak? If all you can do is lie there, how will that help him or Paul?”

Terry “Because I will still hear and feel his touch, and even if I can’t make any sounds, move any of my limbs, both of them, Ashley and Paul, will know what I am thinking, how I am feeling, and that I love them, and that will be enough, it will keep me going.”

Old Man ‘And you know this? How?”

Terry “Because I can feel their hearts beating next to mine even now, even here in your presence I can feel them, I can hear their voices and I can sense their pain, their doubts and fears, and I know they can hear me too, because we are bound together by an unbreakable chain of love, something that you yourself gave us, and only you have the power to break those bonds, nothing else on heaven and earth can do that.”

Old Man “Yes, that is true, I could do that, and yet you know I won’t do that.”

Terry “It is what I am hoping for.”

Old Man “Yes, and it is why I am blessed, because you are indeed my son.”

The nurse watched the way the heart rate began to rise, the pulse rate growing even stronger and her eyes misted over as she watched the machines stop their beeping, their buzzing as the young man laying on the bed began to breath easier, the oxygen no longer really needed and yet he was still sleeping, the monitor that showed his brain activity stilled with inactivity. 

She didn’t know why, but she smiled and walked over to the comatose young man and held his limp hand. It was cold to her touch and yet she could feel a wetness in the palm and she reached over with her other hand and gently brushed away a lock of hair, and stroked his head while softly whispering to him that it was okay, that he was in God’s hands and that he only needed to trust in him.