When Do You Tell The Truth?

Chapter 19

Part 1

Rob just sat there, looking down at his opened pants, Paul’s hand no longer touching him and his no longer guiding it down into the warm regions of his groin either. Instead he felt the chilling fingers of failure reaching all around him and he could feel the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t know what to do, should he just zip his pants back up and leave? Would that end the pain in his tortured soul or would it only fester and make him feel even worse?

He slowly turned his face, afraid to look at Paul and yet somehow he knew he had to, he knew he couldn’t just leave and let all that he had come to say go unsaid. He needed Paul too, and that was something that he hadn’t even contemplated before now. It was strange, he was willing only seconds earlier to surrender his entire body to someone he didn’t know for someone who he hardly knew. Yet, deep in his heart he was proud of Paul, proud of him for refusing the offer and for holding fast to his desire to do what he thought was right for his brother.

If Paul had asked him why, he knew he couldn’t answer, he just knew that he had made his gesture because he was desperate, but there had been more to it than that. There was something about Paul that had drawn him closer, had strengthened his resolve to be a part of Ashley and Terry’s life and now Paul’s too, and yet he also felt that by making his offer he had driven his only chance at love away. Could there be more to his feelings for Paul than just hormones or curiosity? Was Paul really the person who could release the buried feelings of his heart or was he so wrapped up in how much Terry and Ashley loved each other that he thought he could have that with Terry’s brother too?

He had seen many men, some of them extremely handsome and yet as far as wanting them Rob had never felt an attraction. Being with another male had never made him horny, never brought his body to arousal, and yet the first time he had seen Paul he had felt a strange exhilaration passing through his body and now, having felt Paul’s hand on his groin, it was like suddenly it was all his body and spirit could think of. The sorrow of what was going on with Terry weighed heavily on his heart yet the thought of being with Paul was almost as pressing and that scared him.

How could he be thinking of such things when so much grief was happening around him? The bashing itself had angered him to a state of almost blood lust, and to find that someone he knew was the victim had made him quail with terror. Yet even all of that paled to the sudden desire to be near Paul, to be just in his presence and that wasn’t how he imagined love would come to him. Hell, he never really thought that he would ever fall in love, he just wasn’t worthy of it, or so he had believed, but now, now all that seemed to be changing in a manner he didn’t comprehend.

Glancing at Paul from under his long eyelashes, he saw that Paul was still wrapped up in his own thoughts and his own grief. The offer was no more a consideration to him, as he seemed consumed by the hopelessness of the situation and maybe that was what the old man had meant? Maybe he did have more to offer but it wasn’t his body, but maybe his understanding? Could that have been what the old man had meant? He turned his face away from Paul’s tortured face and stared down at the deck of the boat. No one had ever needed him before, not his Mother, and sure as hell not his own Father, but the old man had told him that Paul did, and yet, he still didn’t know why, or how.

Rob “Paul…”

His hands were shaking, and he kept staring at the one hand, wondering what it would have been like if he had accepted? Could he have had happiness in accepting the offer, or would it have led to hatred? He could have taken Rob up on his offer, and if he did, who would be hurting? After all, according to the doctors there was nothing more they could do, keeping him alive by machines wasn’t going to add to Terry’s pain, just prolong it but he’d never wake to say anything, so why shouldn’t he let Rob persuade him? Why should he not take the easy way out? 

Thinking like that, he could feel the warmth that had come gently flowing into his body as his hand had come closer to Rob’s cock. It had felt so good, to feel warmth inside where he had only felt the cold, but there was something wrong, something that just wasn’t right. He knew that if he accepted the warmth would be fleeting, and that when the cold did return, it would come back colder and bitterer than ever. 

He could feel Terry’s spirit inside of him, he knew that now, and it was that spirit that had held him steady. Paul couldn’t explain it, he had tried and yet he never did have the words, but somehow ‘Pledge’ seemed to understand him and that had been all he needed, until now. Now he wanted Rob to understand but he didn’t know how to make him listen, how to explain why he may not have been around Terry for almost a decade, but that Terry had filled his thoughts every day none the less.

How do you tell a stranger that you loved your brother so much but that your fear of being exposed made you deny his very existence? How did you say to a stranger that had woken up repressed feelings of a decade, that you were a coward and worse, a phoney?  It was hard enough to tell a dolphin that you were these things, never mind a strong desirable young man who had only Terry’s interests at heart, something that should have been his job, his role in Terry’s life, not just Ashley’s or Rob’s.

In almost ten years he had done nothing more than study and sleep and eat. Nothing else had ever seemed important to him except for those moments when he succeeded, and then instead of feeling exulted, he felt empty because Terry wasn’t there to share it. He knew his brother would be proud, at least he kept telling himself that as he struggled with the complexities of honouring his promise to Terry, made so long ago.

The emptiness around his heart was only growing worse now, he knew that by rejecting Rob he had thrown away his only chance at some happiness, even if only for a short time, but it was not right. He couldn’t let Terry down this time, this time he had to do what was right, not what was easiest or best for him. No more hiding, no more sitting in a pool of regrets and in the shadows of loneliness. This time, he would do what was right, and maybe, just maybe when it came time for him and Terry to meet again, maybe then he could at least be able to look his brother in the eye without qualms.

Paul could sense Rob staring at him, and he felt a sharp stabbing pain in his heart, knowing that Rob must despise him for his actions, but he had to do what he did. Terry would have expected nothing less from him, and this was his last chance to make things right for Terry. He owed him everything, and yet he had never said so, never taken the opportunity to tell Terry just how much he loved him, and now he would never hear him say it, but at least he’d know it, deep down he’d know it, wherever he would finally rest.

There was no sense in putting it off any longer either. He would have to face Ashley too; something that only made the emptiness grow more and he wished that he had known him when Terry had been around. It would have been fun to see the obvious joy that Terry gave to Ashley and he was certain that Ashley had made a big difference in Terry’s life too. It couldn’t be easy for him, and he knew that Ashley would hate him, which was good, because then he wouldn’t blame himself or feel his loss so deeply, he would have someone to blame, someone to vent on and maybe that was right too. Maybe, in some small way, by being the target of Ashley and Rob’s hatred he could help them get through the impending loss of his brother?

Paul “What Rob?”

Rob “Paul, are you sure? I mean…”

Paul “Certain? Of what Rob, of refusing to take advantage of your love for Terry and Ashley to satisfy some hidden lust of my own? Or maybe of what I have decided for Terry?”

Rob “Well, uh, both I guess… I am sorry Paul, I didn’t …”

Paul “No, its okay, you have a right, I don’t expect you to understand either, I wish you could, oh God, do I wish you could.”

Rob “I want to, I really do…”

Paul “I think you mean that, I guess, I don’t know Rob, am I certain about refusing you? Yes, that I am certain of, but not for the reasons you may even think, as for the rest, no I am not certain, I wish to God I was…”

Rob “Then… if you aren’t certain, why can’t you change your mind? Let the doctors at least keep him alive, miracles happen.”

Paul “Miracles? I suppose they do, but you don’t understand, if a miracle is to happen, it would have, I can’t keep him alive to make it easier for me, God, I don’t want him to die…”

Rob could feel the pain in those last words and his head snapped up to see the empty look in Paul’s eyes. He could see the body trembling in its grief and he reached out with his hand, to gently place it on Paul’s wrist. He saw Paul turn his face towards him and the tears were flowing like a river down his cheeks as he stared into Rob’s eyes.

Rob “I know you don’t, you love him as much as we do…”

Paul heard the soft voice as the words held no real meaning for him. All he could think of was that he was doomed now, that his own cowardly actions had denied him the chance to know his brother, to be there for all the bad times as well as the good times. Now it was all too late, and even Rob knew that, despite his clinging hope to miracles.

Paul “I… Rob I am sorry, I really wish I could do what you ask, if I thought for one second that it was the right choice to make, I would do in an instant, I wouldn’t need to be bought off, to be bribed, and I know, please, I know that sounds harsh, but Terry is my brother, I love him so much and I can’t let him suffer like this, you don’t understand, even if they do keep him alive artificially, the pain will not end, he’ll still feel it, he’ll still suffer its torment, and I can’t do that to him anymore, I have done enough of that…”

Rob “You haven’t done anything to him, he’s in a coma Paul, he doesn’t feel the pain, he is just sleeping…”

Paul “No, no that’s what you want to believe, its what television says, but he’s feeling the pain, I know he is, I can feel him inside of my own heart and I know he is feeling that pain, I can see him, I can touch him and I know… You don’t believe me do you?”

Rob “I don’t know, I don’t know what to believe anymore, I never did believe in much, not until I met your brother and Ashley, and now you.  I just don’t know, God I wish I did.”

They sat there together, Rob’s hand still holding lightly onto Paul’s wrist and he made no effort to remove it either. It felt right, and somehow, it felt like it helped him and Paul to keep from losing it totally. Rob couldn’t explain it anymore than Paul could, but it was like a connection between their two souls that neither wanted to end, despite the grief and sorrow that filled their hearts.

Rob could no more move his hand away as he knew that Paul could not alter his decision. He felt sad but for some reason, he also felt a sense of awe and pride at the inner strength that Paul was showing, even against all that he must be feeling, to hold to such a decision was an immense show of character, and he wished he could find a way to let Paul know that.

All Paul could think about was how he had failed, and that even now, his resolve was being so tempted. He would like nothing more than to let himself fall into Rob’s arms and let him soothe his pain, and all that would come from that, yet something was holding him back. He wasn’t sure if it was his guilt or maybe there was something to the hobbley goop that brothers had a sixth sense, or connection in times of utter need? 

He had seen in the Dolphins that he had been studying for a year, how one could leave for months and yet when the remaining one grew ill or despondent, that missing one would just suddenly show up. There was no explanation, just as there was none for how other animals could sense things. Birds flew from the trees minutes before devastating earthquakes, dogs barked when some unheard noise threatened their home, it was all something that far to few humans seemed to have, and yet right now, at this instant, he could feel Terry next to his aching heart.

Paul “Rob… “

Rob turned his face a little to look up at Paul, he saw the torment inside of the man and he felt his heart feeling sorry for him, wishing that he could just reach out and hug him, hold him close and then maybe together they might both make sense out of all this. It was what he wanted and his desire for it was growing to the point where it was hurting him, physically making him feel the pain of his unfulfilled desire for Paul.

Rob “Yes?”

Paul   “Do you, I mean, do you hate me now?”

Rob “Hate you? Christ no Paul, I don’t know, maybe I should, I don’t know, everything is so mixed up, I don’t know what I feel, I really don’t.”

Paul “Would you really have, you know, if I had agreed, would you have?”

Rob “Had sex with you? Yes, I would have, but now, I don’t know, it is like, I have never felt this way about someone Paul, I was serious, I have never been with another guy in my entire life, hell not ever even thought about it, least, well, not until that time you first showed up at Terry’s.”

Paul “Never? But, I mean, then why would you? You aren’t?”

Rob “Gay? No, least, I didn’t think I was, now, I just don’t know, you do strange things to me Paul, I want to be with you and yet, I don’t know why… stupid huh?”

Paul “No, I know this is bizarre, I mean I have never let myself feel like this for so long, yet the first time I saw you I felt, I mean, I knew something was wrong when I walked in, and yet I had this urge, this insane need to know you, shows you what an asshole I am.”

Rob “It doesn’t make you an asshole, hell, while we were at the hospital earlier, I didn’t know where to be, part of me wanted to stay with Ash and be there for him, but, well, something inside said I should be with you too, so, I guess maybe that makes me an asshole too?”

Paul “No, no it doesn’t Rob, guess it makes you human, but, I mean you really never? Not even thought about it?”

Rob “I don’t know, maybe in the back of my mine I kind of wondered what it might be like or something like that, but no, never have been, shit, seeing naked guys has never even gotten me half way hard, yet, well, sorry… never mind, you won’t…”

Paul “Go on, what were you going to say? You don’t think I’ll believe you?”

Rob “Something like that, I mean you’ll probably figure I am just trying to convince you that, you know, but it is true Paul, I swear to God, I never felt like this for another guy, it scares me actually…”

Paul “Scares me too actually, I have held my feelings back for so long, I wasn’t sure if they were even real, and all that is happening with Terry, am I that despicable? Why can’t I learn from the past? You are right not to trust me, I am not trustworthy at all, but for what’s it worth Rob, I do believe you, I really do.”

Paul turned his own face finally and stared into Rob’s face. He saw the wonder in his eyes as well as the deep pain that he was feeling. Strange, he never realized just how much Rob did care, how much pain he really was in and yet here he was, comforting him when he must be seething with anger and hatred at him. How could he care? What was there about him that would even entice someone like Rob to care for him? He wasn’t anything special, he didn’t have the gorgeous looks or that winning smile or anything, so why? 

There were too many ‘why’s’ for him today, and he knew that for as long as he lived, he would never be able to answer any of them either. It was too much and he turned back away from Rob’s face, when he felt Rob’s hand on his shoulder and then the warm touch of the back of Rob’s hand as it slowly brushed his cheek. His heart started to pound and he caught his breath, as a strange rush of electricity seemed to suddenly pulse thru his whole body.

Rob “Don’t Paul, don’t beat yourself up like this.

Paul “No? Why not, I deserve it and a lot more, Ashley will agree to that, probably the only thing he’ll ever agree with me about…”

Rob “He’s a smart guy Paul, don’t sell him short, he’ll come around, you’ll make him see it your way.”

Paul “God, what kind of drugs are you on? Ashley will hate me till the day he dies… shit, sorry, I guess I can’t even show respect, how is he? Did he, I mean how did he, uh…”

Rob “Pills, it was pills, he’s okay for now, but…”

Paul “What? Are they, I mean, shit, you think he’ll try again?”

Rob “Yeah, I think he will, I just, I mean… Paul, he has no one but Terry, he can’t be alone…”

Paul “But he has you and Carl and what are their names, Connor and the Doctor, how can he be alone? Besides, won’t they keep him under observation?”

Rob “Uh, we didn’t report it, Connor came over and brought him around, then well, he’s at Connor and Bruce’s house, but he can’t stay there… I mean, well…”

Paul “Didn’t report it? But, can’t, Connor could get into a lot of trouble, so can Bruce, Christ, why does all this have to happen? He didn’t do anything wrong… it was me, I am the one at fault, fuck, I should have spoken up, now look at all the shit I have caused, fuck fuck fuck!”

Rob “You didn’t do this Paul, why do you keep saying it’s your fault?”

Paul “You don’t understand, it wasn’t Terry’s magazine, it was mine, mine and I didn’t say anything, I let them think it was his, all this time, they still think it was his… don’t you see? If I had spoken up, none of this could happen, Terry would still be at home, or better at college, he wouldn’t have been…”

Paul twisted himself out of Rob’s grasp and leapt to his feet, he stared around the cabin like a rabbit caught in the glare of headlights and then he quickly made his way topside, to leave the below decks and to be alone with the guilt that had tormented him for almost a decade. He felt the shame as he had spoken the truth at last and still the pain around his heart grew harder. He could barely breath now and was gasping for air as he hung his head over the small rail at the stern of the boat. His eyes were glazed with a dullness that in itself was scary.

Rob had rushed up after Paul, his own heart pounding a mile a second as he struggled to make his way up the ladder to see where Paul had run to. His mind was conjuring up more sorrow and he prayed angrily to God, asking him why he was letting so many suffer and all from one person’s hatred? Why couldn’t he let some good come from all this, why did he insist on torturing his children this way?

His eyes darted to the bow and he saw nothing and then his ears picked up the sounds of a man gasping and sobbing and he turned 180 degrees to see the slumped figure of Paul over the far rail. His heart stopped for a second as panic tore at him and he thought that one more person would try to ease their pain the only way left to them, by suicide.

Rob “PAUL! PLEASE! Paul, oh Christ please don’t, Paul I can’t take losing you and Terry, please, oh Christ, please.”

Paul heard the begging voice and he tried to shut it out, he didn’t want to hear anything right now, his mind was too confused, to riddled by guilt to want to listen and yet the thundering beat of his heart made him turn to stare towards the spot where the weeping voice had come from. His eyes were still clouded by his own grief, his own guilt and yet he could just see the tall figure, as it slowly fell to its knees, its head buried in its hands and still the voice cried for him, not for someone else but for him and his heart wouldn’t let his mind think.

He walked slowly towards the crumbled figure, his heart roaring his mind balking and yet the soft sounds of his brother, making him promise, making him pledge his sacred oath echoed now in his ears. ‘OH GOD I LOVE YOU TERY’ came from deep inside of his soul. He couldn’t help it now, and he moved a bit faster to the fallen figure.  Once there, he knelt down onto his own knees and he reached across to pry apart Rob’s clasped hands, and he made Rob stare up at him. 

The look he saw startled him and made him shake a little. He saw total despair but not for Terry, not even for Ashley, but for him. He saw the horror that he might try and jump reflected within Rob’s face and as his eyes bore in deeper, he saw something else. Paul was stunned as he saw the wild passion and desire that rested deep inside of Rob, not for some girlfriend, not for some other guy, but for him and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It was as if he was being given a glimpse into a future for him, one that wasn’t filled with lonely nights or empty days, but one that could have some joy.

Paul “It’s true, I mean, you really do care for me…”

Rob “Yes…”

Paul “Why? I am nothing, why…”

Rob “Don’t, don’t say that, you are something to me Paul, I can’t explain it, but you are so strong, so… I am sorry, I can’t help myself.”

Rob fell forward and wrapped his arms around Paul’s shoulder and buried his head into Paul’s shoulder. He needed to feel Paul’s body next to his; at this time he needed this more than anything else. Too much pain had gone on, too much sorrow and he just needed to be close and feel safe. In Paul’s arms, he knew that would be how he would feel so he moved in, letting his head rest against the wildly beating heart of the man who had stolen his. There were no explanations that he could think of to explain how he was feeling, all he knew was that deep inside of him, this was what he needed.

Paul didn’t know what to do; suddenly he had this warm sobbing body in his arms when all his mind wanted was for him to run. His heart was refusing to let him leave and he had to admit, to hold Rob in his arms felt good, almost as if it was meant to be. He knelt there, cradling Rob in his arms as his inner thoughts rose up and he could see that time long ago, when Terry couldn’t have been more than 8 or 9 and a sudden storm had come up.

The whole area had been blacked out, power had suddenly gone and his parents were stuck out somewhere, and it was just him and Terry all alone in the darkened home. Terry had come to his room, his eyes bulging wide with each crashing boom of thunder that made the windows rattle, or so it seemed to the two young boys. It had been a really scary night, he had felt the fear too but the instant that Terry had shown up, he had somehow found the way to push his own fear down, knowing it would only make Terry more nervous.

He had really liked having a younger brother, and he could feel Terry resting his head in the crook of his own shoulder, just as Rob was doing now. The warmth that passed between them had been something special, something he couldn’t explain then, he also felt a strange stirring in his stomach and groin but it wasn’t until much later that he understood what that was.  All he recalled now was how wonderful it was to have Terry in his arms; it made him feel like he had some purpose in life, some worth.

Sitting there feeling Rob’s wet tears soaking into his skin, he let his thoughts turn once more to Terry. Theirs was a strange bond, a strange relationship that had grown somehow. He couldn’t tell when or even if there was one defining moment when Terry had finally tweaked to Paul’s secret. He hadn’t even questioned him about it, just told his older brother to be careful, that he needed to keep his attention on getting out, on making something of himself so that he, the younger brother would have something to aim for, something to keep him going.

It had been an awesome task and yet back then, he didn’t think it was such a big deal. He had lived in complete fear of his parents finding out, but once he knew that Terry knew, it all seemed easier for him. He no longer felt such fear or terror and maybe that was why he had gotten sloppy, and maybe it was also why Terry had seemed to know. Sitting on the deck of his boat, he could hear the soft squeals coming from just behind the fantail, and he knew that ‘Pledge’ was there, watching over him, just as Terry always seemed to watch over him too.

The terror of that day came flooding back to him as he wrapped his arms around Rob harder, wishing he could just sit and talk with Terry and he closed his eyes, praying for one last chance to explain, to talk, to just be with his younger brother. He sat there, listening to the wind gently blowing around him and he could feel the sun’s rays striking down and attempting to warm the cold that filled his body but he knew it wasn’t strong enough. He knew that only Terry could do that and in his heart, he reached out to once more talk to his brother, to once more try to connect to the spirit that had driven him for the last ten years.

The nurse watched the monitor closely now, seeing the sudden spikes coming and going and she waited, having already called the doctor. This wasn’t supposed to be happening, and yet it was and she had no explanation for it. She had already swamped heart monitors twice, and yet each machine continued to register the same weird and unaccounted blips that showed that something was happening.

Her eyes traveled across the bank of machines, seeing nominal readings on all of them, and yet the heart monitor seemed to make the other machines look like liars. Everything just didn’t jive and she felt a strange breeze blowing across her, as if a window had suddenly opened even though there were no windows in the glass-encased cubicle. 

Glancing at all the machines she turned to take another look at the pale young man that rested on the bed. He looked so peaceful, his eyes closed and while his breathing was shallow, his chest still moved on its own, up and down in a regular rhythm that belied the seriousness of his condition. He was near death, the signs were all there, or at least most of them, but instead of his heart growing weaker, it was spiking, showing signs that something was happening.

The sounds of laughter made him open his eyes and he could see Terry standing next to him, shaking his whole young body, the drops of water flying in all directions, landing on his hot flesh and he felt their coolness as he smiled up at the soft face that now loomed before him. He could see his eyes now, the sparkle that was always lurking there, always waiting to leap out and surprise him with some innocent question or some deeper thought. 

He never had a lot of friends his own age, and this summer was his and Terry’s. They spent as much time together as possible, and looking back on it, he knew that somehow they both knew that their lives were going to change, that this might indeed be their last time to be together in this way. Paul had never understood how Terry could sense his moods, maybe because he was too busy feeling afraid, feeling like he was a leper. He had sat in Church, listening to the young priest explain how Jesus had walked among the unclean, now fearing them like everyone did, and that his touch had cured them, had made them whole but he wondered, did his touch simply cure the disease or did it also take away the fear that they had? Did his touch also wipe away all the pain of abuse and ostracism that had accompanied them from their fellow citizens? 

Paul had a lot of questions back then, and so did Terry but the only answers they ever got was that those who followed God would reap his rewards, would feel his love. That didn’t help him as he struggled with all of the weird and different feelings that flooded his teenage body back then, or now for that matter. It never did help but Terry had, he had always known what to say or how to say it, and now he didn’t have that anymore.

Even his stepfather, the great savior of the masses didn’t have the answers for him later on. All he had was a cheap smile, a few dozen clichés and lots of money. Thinking back to that last wonderful time with Terry, he realized that even then Terry knew things were changing, that soon they wouldn’t be together and it made him sad still, knowing that he could never recapture that time again. His hand was moving slowly along Rob’s head, and the emptiness around his heart didn’t feel so cavernous at that moment. Strange, but Rob had been willing to give up something no one else had ever gotten to, and for someone he really didn’t know, but then, that was his brother. He could charm you to tears, and all he had to do was smile, god what a waste it had been, and all because he, Paul, was a coward.

Rob “That feels good, you do that for Terry?”

Paul “Yeah, or he would for me even, strange really.”

Rob “Tell me about back then, please Paul…”

Paul “Tell you, tell you what Rob? That my brother and I used to be close? Tell you that for each day apart a piece of me died? Tell you that in making my choice I feel like there is no reason to go on anymore? What is it going to serve, what purpose will it help to tell you that Terry was everything a brother could hope for?”

Rob “It might make me understand your decision better… or, I mean, if…”

Paul “I don’t know Rob, he was so full of energy back then, always running, always asking questions, he never really like the stock answers, he’d push for more and maybe that’s why my dad flipped out so much, not because of the magazine, but because he just didn’t have the right answers for Terry, hell even the fuck head my mom remarried doesn’t have them, but he never met Terry, he made it very plain from the outset, Terry was dead to us if we were to be part of his family. Guess my mom thought it was easier to just forget she had two sons…”

Rob “That has to be rough, but, I mean, you have been on your own for some time, why didn’t you… I am sorry, I should shut up, you have your reasons.”

Paul “Yeah, reasons, always reasons, but you know, not one of them makes any sense now, god I wish I hadn’t been such an ass… now its too late… fuck.”

They had moved from the centre of the top deck and together they leaned back against the fore hatch, resting their backs as they both stared out at the lagoon and Rob kept himself close, resting his head on Paul’s shoulder as they looked out at the calm waters, knowing that underneath was amazing power and strength, feeling that at any second the water could suddenly rise up and cascade down upon them. Together they huddled, keeping their thoughts to themselves and yet sharing their warmth.

Rob “Ashley is going to need you….”

Paul “No, no he won’t want that, I wish I could be, I mean…”

Rob “What? You wish you could know him? You can Paul, its not too late”

Paul “Yes it is, after this, he won’t want to even be in the same room as me, how can I explain it to him? I can’t even explain it to myself”

Rob “Why not? You both love the same person, that’s gotta mean something, there is too much pain as it is, you need him as much as he needs you…”

Paul “He has you and all of Terry’s friends, he doesn’t need me Rob.”

Rob “He does, and, I know this isn’t the time, but I need you too, I don’t think I can do this without you.”

Paul “You don’t even know me Rob, you are stronger than you think…”

Rob “Maybe, maybe I am, I don’t know, but I know Ashley isn’t, not now, he’s too battered, he needs you, and besides, it would be what Terry would want from you, isn’t it?”

Paul sat there looking at the thin dorsal fin slicing through the water and he knew that what Rob was saying was true, but how, how could he begin to get to know Ashley with all the anger and hatred that was between them. He couldn’t stand it anymore, the pain was too fresh and he knew that Ashley must be feeling it even more so than he did, after all he was Terry’s lover.

Paul “Why do you keep saying that?”

Rob “I don’t know, it is just, for some reason I know that it is important that you and Ashley be together, as if there is some hidden force that is making me do and say all this, I don’t know how else to explain it.”

Paul “And what is it that you expect me to do?”

Rob “Well, for starters, I have to work at nights, I can be with him during the day, but I need to work, I mean, well, Ashley is going to need help, so…”

Paul “Work? Oh right, I guess I didn’t even think of that, oh shit, Rob, no, no you can’t expect me to… no, no way Rob, I can’t…”

Rob “Who else is there Paul? Connor and Bruce sure can’t, and Carl has to work as well, we can’t get any time off, so who is left?”

Paul “He’ll never go for it Rob, the two of us, together at night? I couldn’t, no…”

Rob “You have to, there isn’t any other choice, unless you want to, I mean, Paul, he’ll try it again, someone has to be there…”

Paul “Why me? Christ, seeing me there will only make him want to do it again, it won’t help him, trust me Rob, oh please don’t ask me this, I can’t…”

Rob “There is no one else Paul, you are the only one who can maybe get him to not think like that, you have to, Paul, please, I know this is hard, but I am asking you, for me, please… for me and for Terry…”

Paul “Fuck, that isn’t fair Rob, that is hitting below the belt, how can you… fuck that just isn’t fair…”

Rob “Life isn’t fair, isn’t that what Terry used to say?”

Paul “Yes, he did, but…”

Rob “Didn’t he also tell you that if he needed you, he knew you would be there?”

Paul “FUCK! How the hell do you…”

Rob “Does it matter? It’s true isn’t it?”

Paul “Yes, yes it is true, but Rob… shit, you don’t know what you are suggesting…”

Rob “I am not suggesting Paul, I just know, inside, that this is what is right, please, I know I have no right to ask this, I know that, but please, for me? I couldn’t go on if I lose Ashley and you, please…”

Paul couldn’t look at Rob; his eyes were too clouded by his tears and his fear. He couldn’t do it and yet deep in his heart he also knew that he couldn’t refuse Rob. The touch of him was hard enough, but now his smell seemed to be filling his whole insides and he knew he should be feeling different, but he was feeling almost excited. As he breathed in deeply, he felt the tiny flicker of a flame way down inside of him and as Rob’s scent filled his nostrils, he knew he couldn’t refuse him anything, and he prayed that he was doing the right thing.

Looking out at the lagoon he spotted the swirling dorsal fin and he peered out because it wasn’t the same fin, it didn’t belong to his ‘pledge’ but some other dolphin and then off to the left he spotted another fin and that too wasn’t ‘pledge’ and he wondered what was happening. His heart was starting to beat a little faster as suddenly the two new dolphins rose up and in the middle came ‘pledge’ and all three tossed their heads and he felt like a bolt of lightning had suddenly struck him square in the heart.

Paul reared back, banging his back against the edge of the hatch and yet he couldn’t take his eyes off the dolphins that leaned up as if standing on their tails and he felt the strange glow inside of him, the strange fires beginning to burn inside of him and he took his hands from around Rob’s shoulder and let them rest at his side. Strange images flooded his mind now, and he felt a strange beat to his heart and the pain, the emptiness, all of it suddenly seemed to make sense to him and he could sense a plan inside, one that was crazy and yet one that he would gladly follow.

Paul “I need to go see Terry, will you come with me?”

Rob “But, uh, yes, sure Paul”

Rob watched as Paul stood up, and he felt a strange unease around his heart but it was quickly set aside by the way Paul seemed to look, as if he was in a trance and yet, well he couldn’t explain it but it felt like Paul had suddenly come to a decision, one that would alter everything and so he stood up, not sure what was going on, but he knew that his place was beside Paul, and that was all that mattered to him now.

Part 2

The ride up in the elevator was quiet and he felt a strange prickling around his ears. Paul had hardly spoken a word all the way here and yet it was almost as if he was calm. He couldn’t explain it, couldn’t even begin to describe how unnerving the silence was to him, and yet when it became almost unbearable, he found he would reach out with his shaking fingers and that suddenly they would be in Paul’s hand and everything felt better. His fears would just vanish and he would be able to go on, until the next attack, but each time they came, Paul’s hand was there for him to hold and that seemed to be enough for him.

Rob didn’t know what to expect when they got there and he was surprised to see that Terry was still in the same intensive care cubicle. It was strange, but there were still a ton of wires and tubes coming out of his prone body and he stopped, wondering what was going on. He had thought that Paul had ended all that, but then, maybe they hadn’t done anything about it yet, maybe there was still hope, maybe Paul wanting to come here meant that he was changing his mind, and he was scared, unsure what was happening as they walked into the small room.

He could hear the beeps and hums of all the machines but as he looked around, afraid to glance even once at Terry’s prone figure on the bed, he knew that there was a change. The machines that helped him breath were off to one side, unmoving and lifeless and even the crash cart seemed rather empty off in one corner of the room. No, they hadn’t ignored Paul’s decision, it just was that they were waiting for what they knew was inevitable.  He shivered and wished he could reach out for Paul’s hand, but the presence of the Nurse made it seem impossible so he stood there, off to one side, shaking with the fear that was rising inside of him.

Paul stared at his brother and then up at the machines that stared blankly back at him, and he ignored their slow beeps and gentle hums. The fires inside of his soul were starting to burn brighter as he came closer to his brother’s figure and then he turned to see Rob standing to one side. He could feel Rob’s fears again and he knew that Rob really did need him. He stopped and turned back to look at Rob, and he stretched out his hand, palm up, towards Rob.

The nurse watched as the tall handsome young man looked back, his gaze going right through her as he held his hand out for the other young man that was shaking at the doorway. She watched as the younger man’s eyes grew wide and she could see him starting to shake his head, as if refusing the open hand. The sudden loud beep startled her a little and she quickly looked up at the heart monitor to see the green glowing spike begin to fade. Her face turned back to see the two young men staring at each other and for a second, she was sure she could see sparks flying between them as the one by the door suddenly shivered and then reached up with his own hand, to let the other man’s hand take hold of it and bring him further into the room.

Her eyes bulged open wide as she saw the brother pull the other one close and hold him tight under his arm. She watched him smile at him and her heart fluttered a little, because that smile managed to even give her a sudden burst of warmth. The scared younger boy stood still as his eyes continued to gaze into the brother’s face and then she saw the man reach out and holding his arm firmly around the other’s shoulder, he guided them both towards the bed of the patient.

The monitor started to beep a little more often now, once again making the nurse wonder what was happening. The machines said there should be a lessening of activity, the fuzzy almost flat line the recorded brain activity continued to be unaltered, and yet then why would the heart monitor show increased activity? It had puzzled them all day, as it was once more.

Paul looked down at Terry and his heart skipped several beats as he saw the bruises and the swelling that was all around his face. Despite all that though, he could still see the face that had always brought a smile to his face, even years later when the memory should have dimmed, it never did and he could feel the tears rolling down his face. His arm moved closer and tighter around Rob as if he was gaining the strength and courage from the shaking boy next to him.

He just looked at him for what must of seemed like an eternity, but there was something else holding him, almost as if he could feel Terry’s pulse, as slow as it was, and the three dolphins continued to float across his face as he finally summoned the nerve to reach down with his other hand, to touch the cooling flesh of his brother’s hand. Panic was close at hand as he slowly moved his hand down, letting the fingertips brush up against the cooling flesh and he was surprised to feel a strange warmth there. Paul had expected that Terry’s touch would be cooler, as his struggle with life came to a close, but it was the exact opposite.

As he felt the warmth coming into his hand he could feel Rob trembling next to him and once more he turned to smile at the tall young man that had come to mean so much to him. He didn’t know how yet, but he did know that somehow there was going to be a future and as he thought about that, he felt the gentle breeze of a tropical island across his face and he turned to look back at his brother.

Rob felt the strangeness of the whole situation. Here he was being held closely, almost lovingly in the arms of someone he barely knew, but who had awaken some hidden desires within him, and now the world seemed to be in on the whole secret. It really was strange but damn, it felt so good as he stood there, watching and feeling the strange glowing warmth that was coming from Paul.

Paul let go of Rob, as he brought Terry’s hand up to hold and then he slowly sat down on the edge of the bed. His eyes seemed to suddenly blaze with a strange glow as he moved his hand over to gently caress the sallow cheeks of his brother. There was no colour to speak of in Terry’s face or body, but Rob’s eyes opened wide as he saw a pale glow shine from where Paul had just touched. It was almost as if there was still life left inside, and it was reaching outwards, reaching for Paul and he saw Paul’s body shudder and shake and yet still he gently wiped his brother’s face, his eyes never leaving Terry’s own closed eyes. It was almost as if he could see him, as if he knew what Terry was thinking.

He had no idea how long they had stayed there, Paul just sitting caressing his brother’s face, communicating almost or so it seemed, and even the nurse seemed to be captivated by the surreal scene that was being played out in her ICU cubicle. The monitor would rise up at times; beeping like it was excited, and then it would slow down to barely enough of a sign to keep the monitor from sounding an alarm. His breathing too was changed, almost as if it was regular for the most part but when the heart rate rose so did his breathing, and yet when the monitor slowed, the breathing didn’t go back to a shallow gasp, instead it just seemed like any sleeping persons breathing.

Rob was silent as he watched the tears rolling down Paul’s face, and he knew they were streaming down his own, yet he couldn’t move to wipe them away, afraid that any motion would break the slender connection that was happening between Paul and Terry. He saw the odd flicker of the pale eyelids and hope rose in his heart but then they would go still again and so his hope would just as quickly vanish. 

Time had no meaning as he watched and felt the changes as if an entire conversation was taking place before him in a language he didn’t understand. It was strange to see the way Paul’s head would just stay fixed on Terry’s soft quiet face, and yet his body would shudder or shake as a tremor raced up and down his spine. Despite all that, his head never moved nor did his gaze leave Terry’s face once through it all and he just stood there, in awe and in fear.

Finally Paul stood up, his eyes still looking at Terry and he turned to see Rob, and he smiled softly at him, reaching up and wiping away some tear drops, and then he turned and bend down towards Terry. He whispered something in his ear and then raised his head a little, looking down into Terry’s face, and then once more he lowered his face, his lips lightly brushing the stilled lips of his younger silent brother. He kissed him lightly, tasting the still warm mouth and his heart beat faster as he knew it had to be an illusion.

Paul stood up tall and erect, his strength coming from deep within and he could see Terry smiling at him, though he knew it was from a time long since past, but it was how he wanted to remember his brother as he said his last good bye and then he turned and taking Rob’s hand he left the room, his heart heavy but no longer feeling the pain of regrets. He had a mission now, and one that he would honour as he guided Rob to the elevator and to his rendezvous with life.

Part 3

Bruce had felt the tension leaving his body as Connor had slowly worked all the kinks into a more manageable mess of knots and tightness. There was something erotic about the way he was feeling, with a sleeping attempted suicide in his bed, his lover having endangered his entire career, and here he was, sitting getting a back rub and feeling excited. He must be nuts or maybe it just was that he was glad to be alive, glad to be who he was for the first time since eons ago.

For an instant he had thought that it would be sooner rather than later that he’d have to explain it to Ashley. His face had looked so innocent and yet so pained, but he was still unable to focus and after his brief question, he had simply fallen back into the pillows and the bed and gone back to sleep. He looked so innocent but you could see that the pain was still torturing his soul even as he slept. 

Sitting there, he had started to think about all that had happened in the last few days and he wondered what the future had in store for him and Connor? He knew that with Connor off work and now needed a lawyer, their shrinking account might not be enough to sustain the hospital bills for Terry and he wondered how well off the brother might be. Maybe he had insurance that would cover some of the bills, but it was going to become a problem if he didn’t address it soon.

He had already signed up for extra shifts though, and the overtime would maybe be enough to see them through the tough times coming, or of course he could always go to his father. That brought a smile to his face, because he knew the Major would not approve of what he wanted the money for. It was his money though, money left to him in trust from his grandparents and he had just never bothered to take charge of it yet. Funny, but there were a lot of things he hadn’t bothered to take charge of, until now.

Looking at Ashley he wondered if he knew just how much Terry, even in his current circumstances, had affected people? He knew that many of the nursing staff in ICU had been devastated when he had given them Paul’s instructions. Many of them were hardened veterans to this and yet even they had broken down in tears and some were even angry, spitting out epitaphs that would make a Marine vet cringe. Yet, as professionals that they were, the outbursts soon ended and Paul’s instructions had been put in place. Even his own final orders had been hard to write and sign off on.

Bruce couldn’t explain it, but it was like there was some unseen force that was holding him at bay, forcing him to see all that was happening around him, and all from just one patient that no one had really gotten a chance to know. Most if not all of the staff never had the chance to talk to Terry, or to hear his soft gentle voice and yet they were all feeling his loss, more than seemed logical or plausible, but it was happening none the less.

No one had expected Terry to survive more than an hour or two at best without the help of the respirator and other machines, but just as he had touched them without talking, without being conscious it seemed that his own body was still unwilling to quite surrender to what they thought was the inevitable. His lungs still filled and expelled air as if it mattered, and his heart still beat, slower for sure, but beat it did and so the staff no longer hung their heads. They passed his room with faces turned, with a strange feeling of hope that had surprised Bruce until he felt it in his own soul. 

It was one of those times, when modern medicine had exhausted all of its knowledge, all of its bag of tricks and now these professional healers had turned to the last final course left to them, they had resorted to prayer. They had turned to see if this time, God would smile on their small world and let someone they had come to love live, afraid that he wouldn’t, almost certain that he would pass on giving them this one gift, this one example of his power and presence.

Bruce had taken Connor’s call in the OR. and it had almost made him fall to his knees. The subsequent calls had given him some hope but he had his own bad news to convey and he had heard nothing but silence for what seemed an eternity. He could imagine how Connor was looking as he told him about the failure of his colleagues and himself. Connor hadn’t seen it that way mind you, which had brought some small comfort to his aching heart, but now, sitting here staring at the sleeping Ashley he knew he would have to once more conjure up the specter of death for someone so young and so innocent.

Connor “He’s stronger than you think Bruce.”

Bruce “You think?”

Connor “Yes, despite last night, I do think so, he just needs something to hang onto, but he is a lot stronger than we give him credit for.”

Bruce “You going to stay with him tonight then?”

Connor “Unless Rob can convince Paul to, I suppose I’ll have to, you have a shift that starts at midnight, so I guess…”

Bruce “I don’t know, are we getting too involved Connor? I mean, you need to rest too, you have tomorrow to deal with and that is just the beginning…”

Connor “Well, I don’t know, maybe we are, would you have it any other way?”

Bruce “No, no I wouldn’t, least not now I wouldn’t, ask me that a few days ago and… well things have changed, money is going to be tight, uh, I signed up for extra shifts Connor… now before…”

Connor “Extra shifts? Oh, I see, guess it depends on how long, doesn’t it?”

Bruce “yeah, it does, I didn’t expect it to last even this long, but we, I mean we could ask Paul, maybe he’s got insurance or something?”

Connor “I guess, why don’t we leave it for a few days though? I mean, he has to be feeling like crap about now.”

Bruce “He must, yet… Connor, would you have the courage to do that for me?”

Connor looked at Bruce and then over at Ashley as he thought about it. Would he have the courage to ‘pull the plug’ as it was called? He didn’t know if he would, he hoped he would but when did you know it was time? Sure, things looked so hopeless for Terry right now, and maybe all that had happened was in vain, but he was still hanging on, so was it right? He never had thought about it, and yet part of him knew that he might eventually have to.

It was bad enough that he and Bruce were gay, and even though they used most every precaution to keep each other safe, the risk still was there. Worse though was that Bruce worked in the ER and came into contact with blood of other’s every time he worked. How safe was that? And that of course made their own sexual lives more complex because it wasn’t like either them were planning on cheating, but both could be exposed on the job to HIV and AIDS, and yet, despite all the time together, they had never really sat down and talked about any of that. What would he do if faced with the same choice that Paul had to face? Would he have the strength and courage, and what if it wasn’t the right thing, what if all this talk about caring was just so much hogwash? 

On the one hand, you had the suffering of the victim, but were they really in pain even though in a coma? Did they feel the needles jab each time a shot was given or were they so far gone in a drug induced haze that they didn’t feel anything? No one had the answer to that one, so was ‘pulling the plug’ a matter of easing their pain or was it more of easing the pain for those left living?

Connor “When do you know its right? How can I put aside all I feel for you to tell some doctor that he shouldn’t move heaven and earth to help you? When does that time come Bruce? How do you even know when it does?”

Bruce “I don’t know, Christ I wish I did, but I just don’t know. I suppose, well, I suppose that you just know, deep inside you just know…”

Connor “Doesn’t sound like its very foolproof to me, I don’t know Bruce, you know, you and I both face the chance that we might, well, that in our line of work, you know, and, shit, I don’t know if I could Bruce, I really don’t know if I could…”

Bruce took Connor’s hand into his and brought it up to his lips, where he kissed the back of it and then brought it up to his face, to let it rest against his cheeks, while his own eyes stared across the room at the still sleeping Ashley. How do you kno