Read What It Means to Be Gay Today

Chapter 17  

 Part 1

 Paul paid off the taxi driver and headed towards the locked gate that led to the wharf. He still was reeling from his day’s journey to reconnect with his younger brother, and this was really the first time he had to just try to piece it all together. His emotions were high, way to high and he knew it too, which was why he just couldn’t stay at the apartment any longer.

As he walked down the lonely wooden pier, he felt himself being surrounded by what he knew was his hideout. He could have moored his 40-foot sailboat at the marina at work, but he wanted this place. It wasn’t convenient to work, but it was far enough away that he could at least have his privacy, and that was what he wanted above all else. 

There weren’t many boats moored in this off the beaten track harbour either, at the peak time in the summer there were maybe 30 boats docked or moored in the bay, but normally the number was only about 18 or so. He liked that too, because it meant less neighbours, less intrusion onto his private world.

Something else that had drawn him to this secluded cove and that was that just seconds out from the rock breakwater he could always find a school of dolphins frolicking in the water. That and just a few more minutes to the left and he would be at that spot where he and Terry first discovered the pure joy of swimming with Dolphins, the place where he had made up his mind to be what he now was, a marine biologist.

Approaching his boat, he felt the pain lessen just a bit; the confusion still held him captive but he knew that at least here, he could sort it all out. The boat wasn’t new by any stretch of the imagination. It was a simple sailboat, one built for ocean use, by one person, two at most and it came from Britain, where they knew how to build boats like his. It was all wood, made from just the right aged oak harvested for boats, something Britain knew about and it was built by people who had generations of experience behind them.

According to his papers, the boat was built just around the 1st world war era and it still looked like it was new. The polished wood gleamed even in the weak light from the stars and moon. The brass fittings were polished and he could tell where each one was, having banged into them enough times. His only real change was inside, where he made the boat into his home, something people thought a bit crazy but it was the only way he could afford the boat at his age.

Rounding the wooden wharf, he came to the large pylon, each boat had one near it and a small engraved wooden plank ran at right angles across it, giving the boat’s name so all could know what ship was berthed there. He looked at the plank and felt the sudden pain tearing at his heart. Tears began to roll down his face as his fingers traced each hand engraved letter, spelling out the name of his boat.  ‘Brother’s Promise’

He had been so proud at that, when he had signed the papers and he wondered what the history of the boat was that it had the words and name that suited his own heart’s desire. It was his promise to Terry that had made him reach this point in his life when he could attain such things as this boat. It was his promise to his younger brother that he would always swim with the dolphins and now here he was, ten years later doing just that, but now Terry wasn’t here to share in it. It was that pain that hit him now and as his eyes misted over even more, he heard the chatter coming from the end of his walkway and he knew that he had a visitor.

Paul walked to the end and he saw his friend waiting, and he wasn’t surprised by anything anymore. He knew even before he left the taxi that he would find ‘pledge’ waiting. The damn dolphin had an uncanny knack for showing up when he needed the company. The first time he had sailed into this cove, ‘pledge’ had shown up and hung around, as if he had been waiting for Paul. 

It all was too mystical for him but when he had sailed into the cove, his first thought had been of Terry and of how he would have to bring him here, to see and share in the new found success of his older brother, and it was a silent pledge that he had made, a vow that only now was he finally honouring, only it was too late, and once more the pain around his heart grew tighter.

As he came to the stern, he could see the silver shaped dolphin waiting, its head just poking up by the iron grid that rested there. Paul sighed feeling the loneliness of his existence. His father had helped pay for this boat, giving him the money and it was only after he had paid out the cash did he find out that the money was from Terry’s college fund.

He stared at the moon reflected in the calm waters and he could see his friend, and he once more felt the twisting of his heart. Paul had made a lot of sacrifices to keep his promise to Terry, one of which was his lonely existence. Other than ‘Pledge’ he really had no one. He couldn’t talk to his parents, even though they really weren’t that bad.

It was just that his father didn’t understand the world or even his own son’s. To him, if he couldn’t understand it, then it had to be bad, to be a product of evil and so when things didn’t go his way, it wasn’t his fault, it was evil’s fault. Paul knew that in some respect he might even be right, but deep down in his heart he just couldn’t believe that God would abandon his children like this. There had to be some purpose, some reason that God had made people like Terry; he just wished he knew what it was.

The muted sound of his cell phone ringing brought his head back up and he reached inside his pants to grab the offending phone. For a brief second his heart suddenly stopped and he could feel the overwhelming desire to simply toss the phone as far as he could out into the shimmering waters of the lagoon but instead he flipped it open and listened to the voice on the other end.

Pledge was silent now, and Paul simply sat on the fantail his legs dangling into the still warm waters that gently lapped against the stern of his boat. He stared outwards, oblivious to the gentle head resting on his lap. His hand gently stroked the sleek skin of the dolphin and he could feel the pain around his heart being held at bay and yet the tears in his eyes were real, so was the choices that now lay before him and he had only ‘pledge’ to talk to. 

As the tears rolled down his cheeks, as his hand slowly stroked the wet smooth skin of the dolphin, he could see Terry in front of him. Not the one who now was fighting for his very life but the one that he knew in his heart, the one that would come up to him when he was troubled and make him smile, or better yet, laugh. It was always that way growing up with Terry, until that day.

It was like a cloud passing across the sky, his heart grew suddenly cold as he remembered walking into the house, hearing the roar of his father’s voice and shrill cries of his mother from another room. He could remember feeling the terror as he went racing down the hallway to find his father trembling in rage, Terry standing as close to the wall as humanly possible. 

His eyes grew larger as he saw his father shaking his fist at his younger brother and for an instant he was sure that his dad was about to strike Terry, even Terry sensed it and was all tensed up, ready for the blow but instead his father merely shook his fist in his son’s face, shrieking that God would come down to smite him, that God would turn his back on him until he spread himself at God’s feet begging for his forgiveness. The violence of the outburst was only heightened by the shrill sobs coming from the living room where his mother sat, her head buried in her hands and all Paul could do was stand there, watching and being silent.

The loud booming voice now shook with outrage as it thrust the flopping pages of a magazine at Terry’s face, a couple of pages leaving their binding and gently floating down to the carpet. It was then that Paul saw what all the shouting was about and his heart had grown icy cold as the glossy image of a naked young man stared up at him and everyone else. He could feel his chest tightening and he began to stammer, his voice showing the fear that was tearing at him.

Marcus Jamison “Paul! You know anything about this, this filth?”

Paul “Uh, uh, I don’t, I mean…”

Terry “He doesn’t know anything about it, I told you that, they are mine, isn’t that good enough for you?”

Marcus “Don’t you sass me boy, or so help me I’ll get the strap out”

Paul “Dad, please, Terry isn’t…”

Terry “Stay out of this Paul, it doesn’t concern you.”

Marcus “Yes it does, he deserves to know what kind of deviant he has for a brother, how could you Terrence? HOW COULD YOU?”

Terry “It’s who I am, I can’t help that, I tried, honest…”

Marcus “Not hard enough obviously, and to bring this, this filth into our home? Haven’t your mother and I been good to you? Haven’t we given you everything we could? How could you betray our love like this?”

Terry “I didn’t, I mean I…”

Paul “Dad please, he didn’t mean to, uh, please don’t…”

Marcus “Go to your Mother Paul, your brother and I are going out to the garage.”

Terry “To the garage? I am not a little kid anymore, I am 14…”

Paul “Dad, please, you can’t, he’s only 14, please”

Marcus “Stay out of this Paul, you think you are old enough to avoid paying for your crimes? Is that it?”

Terry “Crimes? It isn’t a crime to be who I am, I am still the same person, and nothing has changed…”

Marcus “Nothing has changed? You are riddled by evil and you stand here and say nothing has changed? You are disobeying God’s laws, and have forsaken him, how can you stand there and say you have done nothing wrong?”

Terry “Because I haven’t, I don’t know, God made me, this wasn’t my choice…”

Marcus “Blasphemer, That is what you are, how dare you say those things, God didn’t make you a queer, he made you a respectable young man until you corrupted his plan, now come to the garage or you can get out of this house now and never come back, the choice is yours”

Terry had stood up straight then, barely reaching his full 5 feet of height at that time, and Paul could see the spark in his eyes. He knew Terry and he knew his father too, the two of them were both stubborn and he felt the fear rising up inside of him as he saw Terry fighting back his own tears, holding himself rigid as his lower lip trembled.

Terry “I am not evil, you can’t say that about me, who gave you that right? God? Not the God I know.”

Marcus “GET OUT! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE, I’LL NOT HAVE YOU DEGRADE ALL THAT IS HOLY BY YOUR EVIL WORDS! GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK UNTIL YOU HAVE REPENTED FOR YOUR SINS!”

Terry “Fine, I don’t want to live in a house where it is a sin to be what God made you”

Marcus Jamison reached out and with the full force of his entire body; he slapped his young son across the face. Paul could hear the stinging retort of flesh striking flesh and he cringed, banging himself into the wall and in that instant he felt his heart grow cold as the icy hand of terror took hold of him in that split instant.

The force of the slap had made Terry stumble backwards, hitting the wall with a dull thud and yet the fire in his eyes only grew brighter. He glared at his father and as the blood dripped from the corner of his mouth, he didn’t utter another sound. He just pushed himself up and headed towards the door, and as he came by his older brother, he looked into his eyes and smiled a thin willowy smile.

Terry “Remember your promise Paulie, I’ll be watching”

The whispered words echoed in his head even now as he saw the ramrod straight back of his 14-year-old brother silently walking out the front door of his house, and it was the last time he had ever seen him. It was the last time he had ever heard his brother’s soft gentle voice.

He shook his head and he felt the press against his hand as he looked down to see ‘Pledge’ looking up at him. The amber eyes seemed to be reaching deep into his soul and he could feel his shoulders sag as he began to cry in earnest now. There was nothing he could do and he knew that now. He had been too late but at least he could help in this final moment of struggle for Terry. The pain grew more intense as he reached up to grab the cell phone and he slowly pushed the dim green numbers. Each press only making his heart twist in even greater agony and yet he knew he had no other choice, it was what Terry would expect of him, and he couldn’t let him down again, not this time.

Part 2

Victor sipped at the coffee as his eyes glanced through the already bulging file that had come across his desk. He was feeling a little giddy as he read the file, knowing that once more he had been given what would be a high profile case. It was exactly the type of case he could only dream about, and to come at this time in his career was like a gift from the God’s.

For the last 7 years he had toiled hard at the DA’s office, earning himself a high conviction ratio and more than that, gaining the respect of many defence attorneys and judges. More than that though, was the attention it garnered for him from political circles and that was his goal. He had plans, did Victor Neilson and now it looked as if he could start to put those very plans into high gear.

Looking at his watch, he realized that Norm Cochrane would be in shortly and he smiled. He had his own political advisor now, something that he had only dreamed about, but after he won that last case, it had been suggested that he needed someone on his personal staff who could, how was it that they put it, help him in advancing his aspirations, that was it. Strange how they never just came out and said it, but then it was early yet, he knew that and he acted quickly. They had suggested only two names to him, the first being Norm. He knew the significance of their off hand suggestions and immediately sought him out and got him on board.

 Norm had been expecting his call too, and that only made Victor more giddy, and sitting back now in his high backed office chair, his hands clasped together in his classis pose, he realized just how important a move it had been to get Norm. His last major case had been another high profile case, where he had solidified his position with the religious right. He had taken on a popular high school teacher and nailed the sick bastard to the wall on child pornography and abuse. 

What had been a circumstantial case he had turned into a major conviction, sending the sicko away for 30 years. He had proven that the long arm of the law could even reach those who normally were considered untouchable, and he had endeared himself to the community through his reported ‘passion to protect even the smallest, most vulnerable of society’ to quote the last article written. That was Norm’s doing too, and in the three months since that case, he had made 9 speeches at various community groups, been a guest lecturer at 2 major public forums, had attended all of the right parties where he had found out that he had a campaign fund already started.

His name had been mentioned prominently in the main newspaper 9 times in the last 90 days, while the other potential front-runners for DA had at best been mentioned only twice. He had appeared on four radio talk shows, explaining his tough stand against hate crimes, against the evil that walked the land, which had caused his name to be mentioned even more often in the circles that counted, the money circles.  Last week he was able to actually open a small non descript office, staffed by people whose sole job was to promote him, and he had to admit, it was all a bit overwhelming but Norm seemed to take it all in stride.

The guy was like a rock; nothing seemed to faze him in the slightest. To him it all seemed natural that he should have a press agent, that he should have a small staff carrying out something or other. Victor still wasn’t exactly sure what the staff did but he had one now, and Norm had even gotten sufficient contributions so that it was all paid for as well. His so-called ‘war chest’ was beginning to look like it had more than mothballs gathering inside and that too had made him feel giddy. He was riding the wave, as his father called it and that was one hell of a feeling for someone 35 years of age.

Norm “What has you all smiles at this hour of the morning?”

Victor “Norm, didn’t hear you come in, sorry, oh just licking my chops I guess, did you hear? I am going to handle that hate crime that came down the other night.”

Norm “Oh? When did this happen?”

Victor “While you were away, the DA himself called me at night, just after he got the word actually, he wanted me to handle it personally and…”

Norm “Shit, why didn’t you stall him and call me? Damn it Vic, for a smart fellow you sometimes do dumb ass things.”

Victor was surprised by the words and they stung too. He wasn’t some idiot, after all he had finished 2nd in his law class from Harvard. The shock in Norm’s face however did make him start a little, and for a brief instant, he couldn’t see too clearly, the constant vision of him standing by a podium swearing to the oath of office was suddenly clouded and misted. He felt the tremor as it raced thru his body and he stared at Norm, his eyes wide open and his heart racing just a little faster.

Victor “Huh? What? Norm, it’s a perfect case, I mean it is high profile, we can get a lot of mileage out of this, I thought you’d be…”

Norm “Mileage? Yeah that we will, and we’ll wind up losing half of our core at the same time, geez, Vic you have to leave the politics to me, shit, you still don’t get it do you?”

Norm couldn’t believe the news, he had been hoping his information had been wrong, but staring across at the Ernst face of his ward, he knew that this wasn’t going to be an easy election. He had to get across to this rookie that political careers were molded and made by careful planning and having the right juice. You didn’t get ahead politically without it, no matter how sincere you were, but then, Norm knew that what really mattered to Victor wasn’t the case or conviction, but how it would further his political aspirations. Well, that he could work with at least and he stared at Victor, using his least condescending expression, and once more he began to weave his web on behalf of the grand old party.

Victor “Uh, guess not, I mean, how can we lose on this? It’s a slam dunk case and I get to come across as the great legal protector, how can that cost us?”

Norm “If you had the nomination sewn up it would be what we want, but you don’t, now do you Vic? Hell, you aren’t even listed yet as a potential candidate for the primary, so yeah, we need to play to the one’s who can put you in the election, then we worry about getting you elected.”

Victor “But, Norm, aren’t they the same thing?”

Norm “God, where do I find you guys? Shit no Vic, your core is the people who are going to foot the bills, they want to have some idea that you are one of them, they also understand that once you get the nod you will say and maybe even do things they don’t like, but they know that is the price you pay to get elected, but for now, they want to know you are one of them, and taking on this case, shit, all you are doing is acting like some conservative democrat, and that’s not the label you want.”

Victor “How does taking some asshole off the street compromise that?”

Norm “Guess you haven’t heard yet, have you?”

Victor “Heard what?”

Norm “Who is defending this Westbrook character.”

Victor “Well they haven’t caught him yet, so no, of course I wouldn’t know, and how would you?”

Norm “Cause that is what I do Vic, and the cops pulled him in just over an hour ago, he was heading out of town.”

Victor “Well, good, and okay, so he gets some hot shot, doesn’t really matter, it’s a solid case, I have a dying declaration from the accomplice, I have a positive id from the scene, how can I get screwed on this one?”

Norm “Jesus, you haven’t been listening, because it is going to be three ringed circus for starters, secondly Samuel Zechariah Smith has already declared his intent to defend your ‘slam dunk’ perp.”

Victor “Smith? Why would he take this case on? He usually handles all those civil liberty cases for the pro life group and the religious right… shit, you mean they are going to try to use this as some sort of forum against fags?”

Norm “Shit Vic, don’t even use that language in private, they have a nasty way of showing up in the middle of a damn campaign.”

Victor “Sorry, okay, but how does this apply to their cause?”

Norm “Easy, this Westbrook is about to become their poster boy for bashing the gay lifestyle, take your vics, they are both male prostitutes for Christ sakes, and that’s just for starters.”

Victor “Okay so the vics aren’t saints, most usually aren’t, still they are young kids, the jury will be sympathetic, and I have an eye witness who can identify Westbrook, I have the dying statement of his partner, how can this be anything but a slam dunk?”

Norm “Shit, the ID can be made out to be a case of wishful thinking, or of retribution, maybe your witness got turned down by this Westbrook character, and that’s why he fingers him, and your dying declaration was taken by a rookie cop, you really think Smith won’t confuse that issue by suggesting it never happened? Come on Vic, your so-called solid case went out the window the second Smith entered the arena, and you know that. What are you going to charge Westbrook with, 1st degree?”

Victor “Yes, I figure to charge him with that and invoke special circumstances too, that should…”

Norm “Make you look like a fool when you lose, damn it Vic use that head for a change.”

Looking at like Norm was he could see that there might be trouble in pressing his case, but he had had a lot less in other high profile cases and won, why couldn’t this be just one more like that? Besides, he didn’t think Norm was showing very much confidence in his courtroom abilities, hell he was a damn good lawyer, Norm should remember that sometimes.

Victor “Now Norm, maybe you are a top notch political analyze, but I am the one who knows the law, so…”

Norm “Okay hot shot, maybe you shouldn’t read your press clippings, after all I am the one who wrote them, but put all that aside, let’s look at this from a political perspective, okay?”

Victor “All right, but still…”

Well here’s Politics 101 then, you have to take into account the wishes and views of those who are in a position to get you what you want, which is to get nominated for starters, which you haven’t sewn up yet by the way, and then to get you elected.

Taking this case, you are going up against the basic views of those who control your political destiny. They don’t like gays, mostly based on their religious views, and they are fanatical in some sense about it.

Hell even some of them may even feel sorry for the two vics, but that won’t change how they’ll feel about you prosecuting a military boy and in a sense, defending what will be the lifestyles they abhor.

You can bet dimes to donuts that Smith is going to make them being gay an issue, and you are going to be forced into defending it, whether you like it or not and that is going to hurt you, and you aren’t an incumbent, maybe then you could take the party on, but you aren’t, so you have to rely on them to get out of the gate.

 

Victor “Come on Norm, no way, I mean I don’t exactly have any sympathy for f… sorry, for gays, and yeah more than likely these two were bound to wind up in the morgue sooner rather than later, but how does murder become a religious event?”

Norm “To the religious zealot, this Westbrook is no different than those kooks who try to knock off the doctors doing abortions. To them they are sinners, and as good followers of the faith, they are commanded to fulfill God’s plan, to end this so called abhorrence against God’s laws.”

Victor “But the facts of the case Norm, surely they can see this isn’t the case here?”

Norm “Give a guy like Smith a chance, he’ll make Westbrook out like a Saint for Christ’s sake. You know how he works, he’ll have every religious activist protesting outside the courtroom, he’ll be on every damn news program around town and most likely even the national one’s too, and then he’ll have others protesting that you are persecuting an innocent Lamb of God, and you know how the liberals are going to react to that kind of showboating don’t you? And in all that, you really expect the party to support your candidacy for DA?”

Victor “Well, yes, yes I do, I mean surely the party doesn’t hold that citizens should go out and beat to death innocent people, no matter their sexual choice? Do they?”

Norm “God yes they do, hell the democrats aren’t any better, they pander to the liberals but give me a break, just how many really liberal laws have they passed? Do you see any ‘same sex marriage’ laws on the books? The voters turfed it out here last November, and this is California for Christ’s sake, if it was going to pass anywhere, this would be the state, but you saw the results, and you sure didn’t hear the democratic candidates crying about it did you?”

Victor “That’s different Norm, they didn’t campaign hard for it because they couldn’t explain away the cost of such a law, this is different, you know that.”

Norm “Oh? How naïve can you be? Look the democrats have controlled congress for how many decades before Reagan and Gingrich? They even more or less have it now too and they even had the white house for 8 years, do you see a national health plan? Do you see an expansion of human rights in the military? Man, there are more discharges for a soldier being gay now than there was before Clinton’s great compromise of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and yet they garnered all the liberal votes because they claimed they were thwarted by the conservatives, when in fact they never pushed for more, and are just as eager to rid the military of gays as anyone else.”

Victor “That’s a bit cynical isn’t it?”

Norm “Oh, want more huh? How about New York elects the 1st lady on a platform of universal health yet she was in charge of devising a national plan for 7 years and did absolutely nothing? It isn’t do as I say, its say what you can to get elected but do what you must to keep your ass out of the fire, and it crosses all party lines Vic, and this case, it can knock you right out of the race before you even start, turf the case, pass it on or whatever, but you can’t be the lead on this.”

Victor stared at his political advisor, his eyes clouded, his bubble burst as he contemplated all that Norm had said. Sure, there were potential risks in handling this, and Norm was probably right about the way politics worked, still, he couldn’t quite accept that it was as callous as all that. Surely people, no matter what they thought about fags, gays would abhor the death of two young man simply because they were gay? He just couldn’t see how his prosecuting those responsible would harm his career, after all it would make him cross the spectrum of both parties. He would appeal to the law and order republican types, and the human right zealots of the democrats, it should be a plus not a negative. Norm had to be wrong on this, didn’t he?

Victor “I can’t duck it now, I am committed to it, hell the DA already filed the papers, the case is mine.”

Norm “Yeah? Well, then you are going to have walk one hell of a fine rope, how long do you need to file the charges?”

Victor “Huh, well if they caught him this morning, most likely arraignment in day or two, then formal charges within the week, given there are special circumstance, maybe a few extra days, why?”

Norm “What about the military? Don’t they have any claims on him?”

Victor “Well, possibly in federal, he is on active duty, I suppose a case could be made, but, rather doubtful if they’d pursue it that way.”

Norm “They might, I know the base commander, he might be convinced to push for that, especially if he thought you might bring lesser charges against this Westbrook.”

Victor “I don’t follow, why would he? Seems to me the military would be anxious to let this play in our yard instead of theirs.”

Norm “Yeah but this guy, he has an almost fanatic approach to the men under his command, he’d want to make sure that this guy got the maximum, that might get you off the hook.”

Victor “But he’ll get the maximum here, they won’t execute him, so…”

Norm “Neither will you, not with what you have Vic, and not with Smith, least in a Military trail Smith will be handicapped somewhat.”

Victor “How does this help me?”

Norm “It gets you off from trying the case, and lets you keep your tough on law label, plus your defender of all label, in some ways it’s a better win for you than any conviction could be.”

Victor “But won’t it make me look like I am ducking this case?”

Norm “Well, you won’t give them that chance because you’ll go after the two firemen paramedics who withheld aid at the scene, now there’s a case you can not only win, but which you can get some good mileage out of.”

Victor “Shit, I’d have thought that would be the one to avoid at any costs, firefighters are hero’s to most people, how can that boost my chances?”

Norm “Easy, you have such respect for them, you are rooting out the terrible rotten eggs, it’s a win win situation if you play it right, if your press releases are slanted properly, which they will be. No, this is the case you need to grab and run with, win this one and let the military take care of Westbrook, and you’ll be the next DA, trust me Vic, I know what I am talking about.”

Victor “Christ, I don’t… you really think you can get the Military to press for this to go to them?”

Norm “Before the day is out they’ll have the paperwork on your desk, just say the word.”

Victor stood up from his desk and walked over to stare out the window. He couldn’t believe this, how could he just let a case like this go and yet what Norm was saying, it had the ring of truth to it. At least if the Military handled the case he could always claim that it was taken from him, and hell even if Smith got this Westbrook off, or a reduced sentence, he had the perfect out, claiming the matter would have been different under his care, yeah, Norm had it all worked out alright. 

The problem wasn’t that, it was the nagging voice in the back of his head that was trying to tell him that what was good for him politically wasn’t right for him as a man. He didn’t like gays, he knew that, but they were citizens too, just because they had this unnatural sexual appetite, did that exclude them from protection of the law? Did their sexual orientation really make them less human, or less deserving of his defense?

Looking down at the street he saw all the people milling around, going about their business. How many of them were gay? More than that, how many of them really cared if he put away a thug who had killed one and most likely two gay prostitutes? Maybe if they had been female they might care more, but they were males, and people really didn’t understand that. He had read the police reports, he knew that many had stood by and didn’t lift a finger to stop the two thugs from escaping and that had to say something. 

Victor “Okay Norm, do what you have to, get me off this one and get me the two paramedics.”

Norm “Now that’s more like it Vic, you’ll get to be DA, who knows, maybe with my savvy DA will just be a starting point, huh?”

Victor “Maybe…”

Part 3

Bruce had taken the call, and he leaned against the wall staring at the centre of the operating room, watching the dance that always seemed to accompany any major surgery. He felt so exhausted, as if the world was against all he wanted to do, and yet he couldn’t give up either. Maybe it was hopeless, and after talking to Connor, he felt like the end was near but something inside of him refused to give up. He just couldn’t do that, not after all that had gone on, so he moved away from the wall and headed back to join in the wild dance that he hoped would bring some relief for Terry.

As he watched the frantic speed at which his colleagues were working he felt better but looking at all the signs, he knew it was becoming a race against time and against nature. There just was too much damage it seemed and he felt the hopelessness growing not just in his own heart but also all around him. He could see the strain as Doctors dropped instruments from fatigue and yet they still pushed on, still determined but lacking in hope that their efforts would be successful.

The sun grew colder as the clouds suddenly came across and he lifted up his face, staring upwards at the sky and he could feel the pain reaching for his heart once more. Event he carefree chatter coming from the lagoon seemed to be stilled and he felt the icy cold reaching for him and he shivered, as he just knelt there, his knees digging in deeper to the soft golden sand of the beach.

His breathing was slow and laboured as he turned his head to stare at the foot that appeared in front of his downcast face. He got a small smile on his face and lifted his eyes upwards, to travel slowly up the long almost hairless legs. They looked so strong and beautiful that he took his time in raising his head, and despite the pain that was tearing into him, he grew easy with the slowly growing sight of the person who had appeared in front of him.

Terry knew who it was, the second his eyes saw the sand covered feet and the small tiny wisps of blond hair curling around the anklebone. His heart was still being squeezed and gripped by the pain but he could feel his love rising up, and once more he knew he would win through the battle that was raging deep inside of him.

As his head rose slowly, he saw the knees come into view and then he realized that the figure was starting to kneel down in front of him and he cried out for Ashley to stop. He didn’t want him to kneel; he wanted to slowly force his own pain-riddled body to rise up once more so he could stand with the love of his life. His eyes watered from the strain that he began to exert on all of his muscles and it only added to the terrible pain that was lancing through his body like hot pokers, yet he refused to give in, his spirit refusing to surrender to the terror.

His eyes moved upwards further and he saw the thin wrinkles of flesh above the soft patch of pubic hairs, he could see the muscles inside the golden flesh tightening and he felt their strength too as he slowly lifted his head upwards, slowly taking it all in. He could feel the love reaching out for him and his smile grew slightly easier around his face as he carefully planted both hands into the warm golden grains of sand. Terry’s determination was unmatched by anything he had ever felt before, and the terrible pain that filled his body was suddenly less sure of itself, less consuming.

His love for Ashley was reaching outwards as his head now came up, going above the flat stomach, the small pink nipples that stood so erect and yet trembled a little as his eyes came up to see the warm fuzz that dotted the firm chin of his lover. He could feel the love comforting him as his arms straightened out, the weight of his body suddenly being supported by his own spirit. Slowly he pushed up on his hands, his legs gaining strength from the warm love that was wrapped all around him and he knew that this time, he would stand tall.

In one last effort to defeat him, the pain suddenly welled up as he began to rise up from his knees, and the fury of the pain crossed his soft gentle face once more making Ashley start and begin to reach for him. Before his hands could touch Terry’s eyes sparkled and halted the helping hands, holding them at bay as he once more willed the pain to subside, not strong enough to banish it but strong enough to make it obey his commands none the less. The effort was immense as he slowly lifted his pain soaked body up from his knees and began to straighten his body upright. His eyes glowed and sweat dripped from his face but he had the determination to make this one last effort and finally he stood there, staring with complete rapture into the blue eyes of his lover.

Ashley marvelled at the strength of will that Terry was showing him and his heart no longer felt heavy and burden by the pain that had been consuming him. He no longer ached from the doubts and uncertainty of the future as he saw the love reaching for him, touching his heart ever so softly, and yet even that soft light brush was enough to waken the fires inside of him. He could feel his love rushing forward as Terry stood up tall, his face simply glowing with the success of his actions and with the love that burned deep inside of Terry as well.

He had never felt this strong before, never felt so at ease in the touch of his lover’s passion and his eyes grew wide as he saw the object of his love walk forward. Two small steps was all it took for Terry to stand in front of Ashley, his fully aroused body already beating a strange tune within Ashley’s own body and he felt himself shaking with desire. Every muscle was tightened in eager anticipation of what was to come and he watched wide-eyed and innocent as Terry’s face came closer to him. He could smell him now; the soft sweet scent of his lover grew within his body as the fires of his love rose to the surface.

Ashley’s flesh became molten liquid as he could feel the hot breath of Terry pass across his face and he saw the two thin pink lines of Terry’s lips as they came closer and then he felt the two hands reaching for him, and he lifted his own hands up to greet his lover. Terry’s hands softly rested on the two shaking hips of Ashley, as Ashley’s own trembling hands lightly touched Terry’s shoulder and the two young men stared with love into each other’s faces.

The fires of love grew hot and burst free as Terry’s soft warm lips lightly touched those of Ashley. For a second both men trembled and shook as if the very ground beneath their feet was moving. They were together in a way they had never experienced and the love grew even stronger as their mortal bodies once more were together. Terry moved himself in closer, every part of his pain riddled body now caressed by the hot soothing embrace of Ashley’s steamy flesh.

Nothing passed between them, no air, no gentle breeze, as they kissed and became one. Their souls no longer were in torment as they had joined together and were as one as the lips pressed tighter, the hands held on harder, no longer resting on mortal flesh but digging deep within the other’s very fabric. Terry felt the pain inside of his body shudder as the power of Ashley’s love once more filled his whole body. Every dark recess within his body was suddenly lit by the simple and unconditional love of Ashley.

Their bodies were as one as their tongues licked at each other and they could feel the very essence of the other slowly fill their mouths. The beat of the two hearts no longer were distinguishable, as they now beat as one single organ and the love simply grew hotter and stronger with each beat of that one huge organ. The press of their bodies only made them hold on harder, as each spoke words of love and comfort to the other, the two souls no longer visible as two, and the fires of their passion slowly cloaked them both from anyone who might wander by. They were invisible to the world of doubters, but for those who knew the power of love, they were bright beacons drawing them all closer.

Ashley felt the cold leaving his body, watching it being flushed from the deepest parts of his body as Terry’s love and passion filled every part of him. Darkness no longer held any corner of his body as his heart was slowly merged into Terry’s own and while Terry’s love swept away the doubts and the fears, his own love soothed the aches and tears that were buried deep inside of Terry. Their love was slowly forging even more links even as they both could sense that the hour of parting was coming once more to them.

The kiss grew gentler as they slowly began to break apart. Their bodies were still as one as finally their eyes locked together in one last communal meeting of heart and soul. Terry reached out with a strength that belied the deep pain that was once more tormenting his body but this time he had help, in that Ashley’s love was there, holding him upright, caressing him and giving him the strength that he knew he would need.

Both stared into the other’s eyes, the sounds of water gently lapping upon the shore the only noise that existed all around them. No wind blew to rustle the leaves or stir the sand, as the world watched the two lovers meeting, for one last time. The lagoon was quiet, as even the dolphins could sense the importance of this last meeting of the two loves.

Terry “You always seem to know when to show up, I don’t know what to say…”

Ashley “Say nothing, just be happy, it is all I want to do, to make you happy.”

Terry “I know, I can tell, but you can’t keep coming back here, not this way.”

Ashley “Why not? We are together now, forever, isn’t that how its supposed to be? Isn’t it what you want?”

Ashley’s face grew taut as he looked into Terry’s eyes. He saw the love, he could feel that very love as it held him tight and he knew that he was loved, that it was him that Terry wanted and no one else could ever change that, no thug could take that away and he felt the power of that love as he leaned into the strong bonds that surrounded him and Terry.

Terry “Yes, it is forever, but even forever has its own time, yours isn’t now, mine may be now but not yours Ashley.”

Ashley “Then it has to be mine too, I don’t need anything else, I don’t need to see anymore, all I need is with you Terry, isn’t that enough?”

Terry “For me it is, for you there is still more, you are all I have Ashley, you know me like no other person has ever known me, there hasn’t been anyone else who I would want to know me as you do, but you can’t come with me just yet, I need you to do things for me still.”

Ashley “What? What can I do for you there that I can’t do for you here? Terry I can’t be there without you, you have to fight and stay with me or at least let me join you now, please, I love you so much, can’t you…”

Terry “And I love you just as much, that is why I can’t let you join me now; besides, I am not giving up just yet, I still have some fight left in me, but I can’t do it if I am fighting with you too, can’t you see that Ashley? This isn’t your fight, it is mine, it always has been just mine, and no matter how much we love each other, you can’t fight this battle for me.”

Ashley “I don’t want you to leave me, I can’t live without you…”

Terry “I know, but I also know that you can live without me, you did before and you will after if that is what is meant to be, I love you so much Ashley, I don’t want to leave either.”

Ashley “Then let me stay, let me stay and fight with you here, can’t you do that?”

Terry “I could, but then I would never forgive myself for doing that, I love you too much Ash, you are as much a part of me as my brother is a part of me.”

Ashley “But he doesn’t want you to, I mean…”

Terry “You are wrong Ashley, he loves me as much as you do, in some ways maybe even more because we are blood, but he does love me and he knows me too, he knows I wouldn’t let him stand here with me just as I won’t let you, he knows Ashley, trust me on this.”

Ashley “No, No I can’t Terry, he doesn’t love you like I do, no matter what he doesn’t love you like I do.”

Terry “Yes he does Ashley, and in time maybe you will understand it, which is why you can’t stay here now, you need to go back and walk the path that has been set for you, just as I have done.”

Ashley “I won’t, I love you and I won’t leave you, I don’t care about walking any paths or going in any directions, all I want is to be with you, please Terry.”

Terry raised his hands slowly upwards, letting the palms of his hands rub gently against the trembling sides of Ashley’s body until his hands reached up and over the shaking shoulders. He lifted his hands to gently cradle the ashen face of his lover and he smiled a thin smile as he held the face within his hands.

Terry “If you love me as you say and as I know you do, you will do this for me Ashley, won’t you?”

Ashley felt like running away and yet deep within his heart he knew that he was forever bound with Terry. There wasn’t anything more that he wanted other than to spend eternity nestled in Terry’s arms. He couldn’t just leave him for only God knew how long, he couldn’t and yet he could feel deep inside that it was what was meant to be. He hated that and grew angry as he felt the sudden press of Terry’s hands on his cheeks and he was finally forced to lift up his eyes and look into the shining orbs of his lover.

The love leapt at him and roared into his body once more, a deep penetrating love that quelled his aching heart and stilled his protesting soul as it wound its way through every part of his body. It flowed richly into his veins, thickening and strengthening his resolve to fight on and yet calming his nerves and setting his mind at ease. The love for him was everywhere he turned inside and he knew that he would do as Terry asked, for to do anything else was to make a lie of that love that he held for Terry.

Ashley “Yes, I will.”

Terry “I know, Ashley I love you will all I have, and you have given me so much, we will not be a part for long, it may seem like it, but we won’t be.”

Ashley “Don’t give up, please, I’ll do what you ask but you can’t give up, you can’t just give up, please…”

Terry felt the pain growing stronger and he could feel the weakening of his resolve as he listened to Ashley’s pleading voice. He loved him so much and to leave him, to have to send him back was almost unbearable but he knew he had to. Too much had happened for him to let Ashley stay and yet a part of him wanted nothing else.

Terry “Ashley you are asking for so much, you don’t…”

Ashley “No, I am only asking for what I have a right to ask, I will do what you ask of me Terry, but you can’t just surrender, not yet, not now, you can’t, please.”

Terry “I am so tired though Ashley, it isn’t that I don’t want to fight, it is just that it has been a long hard war, I am so tired.”

Ashley “Then rest up, but don’t give up, please Terry, rest and keep my love safe in your arms, please… I know that whatever happens, that, well, that we will never be away from each other for long, but please, there is so much left for us back there, please Terry.”

The assault on his body was in full swing once more and yet as Ashley spoke to him, even as his hands slowly released their grip on Ashley’s face, he felt the surge of love coming towards him, reaching for him and he knew that all he had to do was summon his spirit one more time, that was all he needed to do and yet he didn’t know if he could, he didn’t know if he had that kind of courage left and his eyes stared at the sandy beach. He saw the tiny golden grains of sand shifting and he felt the slow tremor starting to rumble deep within his body as Ashley’s own hands now caressed the side of his haggard face.

The harsh monotone of the monitor continued its whining as he stood there shaking. His whole body was trembling as he gripped the edge of a cart filled with bloodied instruments. Every part of him was begging silently for some sign, some glimmer of hope as the flat monotone sound echoed loudly in the room.

His eyes glanced up towards the loudly ticking clock that had swept each second away as they struggled to once more cheat the grim reaper. They were exhausted and the floor around their feet was littered with their effort. Bloody bandages and dropped tools of their trade littered the floor and now all that was left was to pray to God to give them a sign, to give them hope.

A poem by Phillip Kase

Sunlit patches on the open beach. . .

                            When love no longer sustains
                                the weight of loneliness,
                                        we scream,
                            while sea gulls sadly mock us.
                                For here is our destiny
                          formed in a bargain with Fate.
                                       But Fate,
                         whose furies are now the pursued,
                          left us to the ambiguity of it all.
                                       So we ask:
                                  when can we speak,
                  when do words become their own demolition?
                          Perhaps from that two-bit view
                                  with monthly shows
                           known cheaply as lover’s leap;
                            though there lies a finger to it.
                              Arguing in our confusion.
                                Hounded by conditions
                          neither of us is prepared to meet.
                   Performing the dumb-show of our illusion,
                        maybe hoping the mask will crack,
                  perhaps mingling the distillates of our fears.
                      Only knowing that we hear us wrong.
                          Wondering what it is between us
                 that revolves