Chapter 15

Part 1

 Paul stood off to one side, as he watched the green clad people working around the prone body of his younger brother. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, as he just stood there, helpless as strangers worked at a feverish pitch to safe his brother’s life. He didn’t understand it, it was almost as if the entire world had come to a standstill for him and he had no idea of why. 

He was feeling frightened, and yet he didn’t even know his brother, at least not the one who lay on the table right now, he knew the other one, the one who he had grown up with and he leaned against the cold concrete wall, while people moved and worked at a feverish pace. Paul could see the smiling face looking up at him, but it wasn’t the same face that now lay across from him in the glass walled room, it was a younger face, a face of an innocent as he asked him some mindless questions that small kids always asked of their big brothers.

The words echoed in his ears even now as he heard the soft voice asking him why he was playing with that, why he was making all those weird noises, because they scared him. He smiled thinking back at how he had told Terry that when he got older, he’d understand it more, that it was part of being a man and that in time he’d not only want to do it, but he’d want to find a special someone to do it with. God, and that was only 10 years ago, a decade back and yet Terry was the one who did find that special someone, didn’t he?

Strange how your mind works in moments of crisis? Here he was, watching them try to save his brother’s life and he was thinking about the time 12 year old Terry had stumbled into his bedroom while he, Paul, had been jacking off. God, to think of that now but it was Terry, it was how he was, and he didn’t stand outside a room when something inside was intriguing his mind. Shit, he had such an active mind too, always asking questions back then, but it had stopped so suddenly. He squirmed a little, wondering what it was that had suddenly made a bright inquisitive young boy become as silent as the statues outside the great pyramids?

It was weird too, how Terry never seemed to be embarrassed at things, things that made Paul turn beet red and yet for Terry it never seemed to bother him. That time he came in, seeing Paul jacking off was just like Terry. He stood there, staring at Paul’s hard on and while Paul had turned completely red in the face, as he tried to cover his nakedness, Terry was the same complexion. It didn’t seem to bother him when he asked Paul when would he be old enough to do it, and Paul had said that most likely he was already old enough. 

If he was red when Terry had walked in, he was redder as he watched his younger brother simply drop his pants and look down at his smaller penis. He saw it wiggle a little and then Paul watched with saucer shaped eyes as Terry reached down and started to pull on it, mimicking what he had seen his older brother do.

Terry “It doesn’t feel right Paulie, why does it hurt?”

Paul “Well, uh you need to make it slippery, uh, you wet it.”

Terry “Wet it? With what? Do I dip it in a glass of water or something? How come you don’t have a glass?”

Paul “Uh no, look maybe you shouldn’t try this yet, I mean you are only 12 and…”

Terry “Come on, please, I wanna try too, you said I was old enough, aren’t I old enough?”

Paul “Yeah, yeah you are, okay look, spit on your hand like this.”

Terry had watched him and he looked up into Paul’s blue eyes, his own blue eyes the spitting image but Paul could still see that innocence back then, that special glimmer that he always associated with Terry.

Terry “Mommy says gentlemen don’t spit, aren’t we being bad?”

Paul “No, Mom means we don’t spit in public, like onto the sidewalk or stuff, this is, this is in private, we don’t do this anywhere but in our room, okay?”

Terry “Yeah, uh Paulie? Is this sex?”

Even at 12, Terry had a way of sneaking up on you and making you think. He could see the way his eyes would bore in as he came in for the kill with his questions, and he knew too, that he was in for a thousand questions that back then, he just didn’t know the answers to. Hell, even now he wasn’t so sure that he knew the answers to the host of questions that Terry had bombarded him with, all the time his young hand was pulling on his small penis.

Christ, if his parents had ever found out, he too would have been thrown out of the house, but Terry never told anyone, never even hinted at it, not even two years later when his family did toss Terry out. God, to think of what it would have been like if Terry had turned and told his father about what the two of them did when Terry was 12 and Paul was 14. He never did, and now he was here, fighting for his life and it looked like it was too late for Paul to make amends, or to at least tell his brother how sorry he was.

Ashley just stood there, between Carl and Rob and he didn’t know what to do, or even what he was feeling. His pain was beyond measure as he watched the green clad hospital personnel rush around as they tried to help his Terry.

He didn’t know what had happened, or what it meant except that fear was gripping at his heart, tearing into his already wounded heart and still he held hope, still he wished and prayed that there would be more than just that time at their island.

Tears rolled down his face as he tried to stay upright, tried to hold onto the image of Terry smiling at him, of how it felt to fly thru the air between the three dolphins and yet he had this sinking feeling that that was all he would have left, that it was not a promise of the immediate future but of a distant one, when his time on earth had also come to an end, but he didn’t want that, not now, now yet, he still wanted his Terry, he still needed him.

The icy cold fingers were strangulating him, he could feel their cold icy grip around the still beating part of his heart, but they were slowly squeezing him, desperately trying to stop his heart from beating but he fought it.

He didn’t know why, or how, but the pain was intense and still he fought on, willing his heart to beat through the icy cold, willing his body to ignore the deep penetrating pain that coursed thru his entire body.

There was nothing he could do, the pain was only growing stronger but the image of the island floated in front of him, the sight of the three dolphins flying through the air with them both between was there and he fought on, forcing his heart to work thru the press of the icy fingers of death that held his heart in the palm of its hand.

The sight of one of the doctors climbing up onto Terry’s chest made him flinch, as he saw the man raise his hand high and strike down, as if he was trying to pound the very life back into his lover, and he felt that blow against his own chest, felt it strike him and he cried now, no longer in control as he saw the hand rise again, the sound of a steady beep echoing even out here in the corridor.

His whole body was trembling as he closed his eyes, and conjured up that dream, it couldn’t be a mistake, it was their time together, their meeting to set it all right and yet he didn’t want that to be all, and he could see the island now, he saw its golden beach coming into focus as he heard the small single beep, then nothing, then once more a small weak beep and he closed his eyes tighter, willing himself to move faster, willing him to reach that island sooner, and the beep echoed again in his ears and he felt the strong grip on his shoulders, another on his hand and he pressed back, reaching for their strength too as the tears rolled down his face.

He ached like nothing and the icy cold was reaching for his heart but he shut it aside, forced it to wait as he struggled to reach the island, and all the time those soft single beeps came through, urging him on and so he leaned forward, willing himself to go faster and he saw the coral reef now, the outer barrier coming into view and there, there in the distance he saw the palm trees swaying in the soft ocean breeze.

Every part of him was focused on the island, and he could see the thin torpedo shapes at his feet as he leaned forward even more, his body up on the tips of his toes. The icy cold fingers that were reaching for him were stilled as he felt the spray against his face and there, standing at the shore was the figure and he felt the warmth once more returning to his body as he came closer.

Off in the far distance he could hear voices, soft soothing faces that were calling his name but he ignored them, he didn’t want to hear them, not now, not when he was about to have it all.

The pain around his heart grew worse, the hand continued to squeeze his heart and the coldness was slowly filling his whole body as he struggled to ease the pain, as he searched for a place to hide and let himself warm up once more and then, off ahead he saw it, saw his island once more and the pain suddenly stopped for a second, only a second but it was enough as the hope rose inside of him.

Nothing mattered to him now but to reach that island, he couldn’t let the cold stop him and the pain was growing harsher, more menacing and yet he refused to give in to it.

He felt himself reaching outwards, felt his hand try to lean outwards towards the island and suddenly he could feel the sand beneath his bare feet. The soft crunch of golden grains of sand wedged between his toes and the for a brief second, the cold fingers were stilled, and his heart managed an extra beat, an extra pulse as he was at their island.

The surf was curling around the outer banks of the coral reefs and he was close, he could see the long curly hair flowing softly in the breeze but the face, oh God, the face was in such pain and it drove him faster.

Ashley could feel the cold all around him and he made his heart pound harder, made his pulse race faster as he tried to reach for Terry, for the figure that stood swaying on the golden beach.

His mind was in shock as his eyes held the ashen face of Terry in its gaze. He could feel the pain that he was in too, and it hit him hard, almost forcing him back, and he struggled, noticing his forward momentum slowing and he couldn’t have that, it wasn’t going to stop him and he gritted his teeth, praying to a God he didn’t even know and so he moved forward still, the pain only growing around him, reaching for him, trying to topple him but he refused its grip, refused to let it deter him or alter his path.

Ashley could feel the cold, and he shivered but he refused to stop and he glanced down at his feet, as if by looking at them he could make them move faster, make him get to Terry sooner and he saw the glinting light off the silvery torpedo and he begged it, pleaded with it to help him and he saw its eyes, saw the small tear at its corner and for a second his resolve crumbled. 

In that second, out of the corner of his eye he saw the short figure falter, he saw him sink to his knees and he could feel the pain around him howling in glee as it swept across his face and down his backside. His heart began to shake and tremble, his legs grew weak and yet deep inside he felt the fires, felt the love he had for Terry and he closed his eyes as he leaned far forward, his body now touching the very water itself and with the trust in a God he barely spoke to, he reached out to his sides, both of his hands stretched far out and he waited, praying for the help he needed.

His whole body was racked by the waves of pain that shot through him and he faltered, feeling the despair growing in his mind but he held on, his soul fighting with his mind and still he held on, still he denied the icy fingers their success and he looked out, to see off in the distance what he needed, and his heart gained strength but only for a second.

The figure off in the far distance was growing slower, it was no longer rushing ahead, the spray at its feet no longer shooting off to either side and he could see the waves of pain reaching out with their icy tendrils to snatch at the tall young figure out in the far reaches of the ocean. 

He cried out now, his pain too much as he saw it reaching for the love of his life and he was confused, because he needed that love but he also could see how he was hurting him, how his own desire to stay alive was causing such grief, such anguish and he didn’t want that and for a mere second, he quailed in confusion. 

The fingers sensed his change and renewed its attack, squeezing hard and his heart wasn’t sure yet what to do, but deep inside of him, his resolve was still there and he fought back, even though he fell to his knees, he still held his head up and erect and his love still flourished inside of him.

Just as the taste of salt water began to fill his mouth he felt the tug on his hands and he knew that for now, he was safe. The drowning of his sorrows were being held at bay as suddenly his whole body leaped forward, the pain that was holding him back was suddenly left swirling around empty handed. The power of his love for Terry had touched their very souls and his hands gripped hard the long thick fins as suddenly they leapt high into the air, their chattering voices raised with his own as they proclaimed his coming to the wind and to the heavens.

Ashley’s eyes opened as he saw the white plumed spray flow past him as they flew forwards, hitting the water hard but only for an instant as his two powerful friends, love and hope, guided him towards the soft warm beach where Terry stood on his knees, waiting and in need.

He could see him now, and he breathed in deeply as the two dolphins moved faster with each second, bringing him closer to the person who needed him the most. The cold fingers of Terry’s pain reached out for him but his heart beat loudly, his blood boiled and the fire in his belly grew hotter and so the cold had no chance.

Slowly the cold was being held at bay and the harsh strikes of pain that came flying towards him were send bouncing away harmlessly as his soul grew stronger, as the fires inside raged upwards and began to make the ocean water froth and boil from its heat.

His love grew hotter as he leaned forward, knowing that in mere seconds he would be standing on that beach, that his hands would soon cradle the person he loved above life itself and that knowledge made his heart beat even faster and the two dolphins roared forward, leaning down for a brief second as they gathered all of their own energy and strength for one last fling upwards, one last shot upwards to show the heavens and the pain filled boy on the beach that help was here, that through the nightmare of a cruel fate there still was hope.

Ashley felt the tug on his arms, almost wrenching them from their sockets and he felt his whole body flying upwards, the warm breeze of the wind cooling his whole body as he flew high into the air, his hands stretched far out, two long silver torpedoes guiding him and he glanced down, to see the face, to see it lift upwards and he could see the hope in the eyes, the glimmer that life still flowed deep inside and he smiled, knowing that he had finally reached the island, once more.

It felt so hopeless, he didn’t want it to end but he couldn’t stand to see the tears rolling down the face either. His heart was being torn in two directions and the soft soothing voices rose louder but sill the fire in his belly refused to surrender to the soft voices.

Still he fought and his head slowly began to lower itself, as the battle raged on and he could sense his defeat coming but with one last effort, he glanced outwards and there, flying towards him came the sign he needed.

The two silver streaks were glistening as the green blue waters of the Pacific Ocean rolled off their backs and between them they carried his hope, his dreams and his love.

Between them came a face filled with hope and desire and he felt the warmth suddenly, as it slowly started to work its way around him and his face no longer hung down in defeat.

The roar inside of him echoed loudly in his ears and he felt the strength of his heart as it began to once more beat loudly, once more proclaim the undying love that it held for the tall blond racing towards him, coming despite all the pain and anguish that surrounded him.

 

The steady beep continued to grow stronger and the people in green slowly started to grin. They looked at all the strange beeping monitors and pulsing machines, tubes stuck out from all over as they collectively held their breaths, waiting to see if all their work had been worthwhile or for naught.

The doctor in charge, undid his mask as he stared up at the heart monitor, listening to the increasing beep and watching the strange line go up and down, no longer flat and no longer making the machine echo a dull monotone sound. Life had come back to the body beneath his hand, but what kind of life would it be?

It had taken over an hour to get that beep back, and then it was slow and unsteady but now it seemed to be settling down but for how long? He had no idea but he turned towards the nurse and smiled, wondering if this was all worth it, or was it just another futile gesture on man’s part to avoid the inevitable? 

Looking out past his team, he saw the four people that were part of this young man’s life. He saw the one off to one side, leaning against the cement pillar and he felt a strange familiarity with him, and he glanced down at his patient, and then back towards the taller man. It had to be a relative, the resemblance was too close for anything else and yet the blond wedged between the other two seemed to be more effected than the guessed at relative.

Rob felt the weight against his side and his arm wrapped around the trembling body and still he couldn’t look at anything but at the green clad people doing their weird dance. He could see the controlled rush and panic and he felt his heart stop several times as they action grew faster and furious inside the glass room. He couldn’t believe it, one minute there was this steady beep beep and then suddenly nothing, a flat monotone that buzzed loudly in the room and then in seconds they found themselves standing out in the hallway.

For almost an entire hour he watched and he couldn’t bare to look out at Ashley or across at Paul. His heart ached for the tall young blond next to him, but also strangely enough for the man leaning now against the cement pillar. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt sorry for him and somehow he knew that Paul needed this almost as much, if not more, than Ashley did. At least Ashley had some recent memories to keep him still, what did Paul have but a forgotten childhood?

With the renewed sound of the steady beeping, that metallic ping that obviously meant life, he found his own heart starting to slow its pace down. The fear that had gripped him seemed to vanish a little but he could feel it still, as if it was hanging around waiting for the next round and it made a chill run up his spine. He didn’t know if he could handle another round of this, and he stared at Terry, wondering if he knew what was happening, if he could sense the anxiety that was filling the wide corridor?

He had thought about death many times in his short life, had thought about what it would be like to simply walk away from all that he faced each day and at times he had thought he could do it, just simply end this existence for the one death would bring, but his fear of the unknown was too powerful, no matter how much he drank or how much he swallowed or snorted. It was still not enough to make him take that one final step and yet part of him yearned for it and as he finally regained some of his composure, he managed to look around and wonder anew at what was the use of being alive.

How could he explain to Ashley that no matter how much Terry loved him that the pain he had suffered in his youth was too much to carry on with, or that the abuse that people heaped on him simply because of his line of work, or more because of his lifestyle just was too overpowering at times? How do you tell someone that was so innocent of a world gone mad that love was no longer in the top ten of goals for people, that existence was all they wanted, and for the most part, many no longer even ranked that in their top choices.

He had read the stories, the tiny pieces of news that detailed this crime or that one, how this person had met a violent end not because they were bad, simply because fate had decreed it and now Terry was laying in a hospital bed, because he was different, because he had come to the wrong place at the wrong time. How do you convince someone that God loves him when his whole world is twisted and torn and yet someone was most likely going to have to do that, because the signs weren’t good, and all he wanted was a drink.

Rob could feel the pounding heart next to him and he was amazed at how much strength Ashley showed. His heart was thundering and as he listened, he heard the strange noise of chattering, almost like the sound dolphins made. He had heard them over at the marine park and he looked around, wondering if someone was playing a tape or something but then he felt the warmth creeping into his own body and he finally turned to look at Ashley.

His eyes locked onto the navy blue eyes and he could feel his heart reaching for him, he could actually feel Ashley’s heart as it pounded now next to his own and the sound of chattering dolphins filled his ears and he shook his head, frightened by the strange noise and scared by the sudden invasion of his inner thoughts. He could hear two voices whispering and he saw no lips moving yet one of the voices was Ashley’s and he stood still, feeling sweat break out on his forehead as the doctor inside the ICU room took his mask off and stared at them all.

Rob blinked and the whispered voices suddenly disappeared but he felt Ashley standing up straight now, no longer needing his arms to support him as their attention became directed towards the open sliding door and the young pimple faced doctor stared out at them all.

Doctor “Well, we don’t know what triggered that seizure, we’ll have to run some tests, but, well for now it looks like he’s pulled through it.”

Ashley “Is, is he going to be okay?”

Doctor “I really don’t know, I wish I could be more definite, we just don’t know, but he’s young and appears to be in good health, he should survive this one, it was close, but he made it and that’s a good sign, I am afraid that’s all I can say, I wish it was more…”

Paul “What caused it? Did his heart stop?”

Doctor “Yes, it did but we were able to revive him, right now, your guess is as good as mine, most likely it was a result of the trauma he’s suffered, there might be building pressure in the brain, or something that maybe was missed internally, we’ll do an MIR and take some X-Rays in a little while, but for now he’s out of the woods, but…”

Ashley “But what? Can this happen again?”

Doctor “Yes, I am afraid it can, whether it will or not, that I really don’t know”

Paul “Well, what do you know? How does this just happen without warning? For God’s sake, you are doctors, you are supposed to …”

Carl “Easy Paul, he’s doing the best he can, right doctor?”

Doctor “Yes, look, I know this isn’t of any comfort, I wish I had those answers for you, I just don’t, and well, I …”

Rob “Uh, is there any damage? I mean, uh by his heart stopping, you read or hear about all this stuff, if he recovers is he…”

Ashley “IF? No, when, when he recovers, right doctor?”

Doctor “I can’t give you any guarantees, I really don’t know the answers, but we have done our best, that is all we can do for now and wait and see, really, now if you’ll excuse me…”

Carl “Thank you Doctor, uh, is it okay if we go back inside?”

Doctor “Huh? Oh, ah, well no, not all of you anyways, maybe just one at a time, for now, we will let him settle a bit and then get him down to the lab for the MIR, but only one at a time, I think that would be okay…”

Carl “Thank you doctor.” Ashley “Thank you, really, thank you!”

The young doctor walked over to the main nurse’s station and began to write out his orders, but he kept glancing back at the small group of men that were waiting. He could see them hesitate, not sure who was to go in and who was to remain out. He couldn’t place it, but the one who looked like family seemed the most hesitant and other than the one who was holding up the young blond, no one seemed to pay him any attention. Strange people but he put it from his mind as he signed off on the patient and headed back to the rest of his nights duties, feeling tired but rather pleased at himself. He had brought a patient back from the icy grip of the grim reaper himself, and that felt damn good, exhausting but damn good.

Rob could see the hunger in Paul’s eyes as he stared into the glass room at his brother lying there, tubes of all kinds running from his body, wires running every which way to all sorts of fancy beeping machine. His heart ached for him and he turned to see Ashley’s face and once more his heart ached. He felt so torn, unsure of what or who to support and Carl wasn’t able to give him much help either. He could see the tall bouncer still being held tightly by the anger and frustration of all that happened and so somehow it was being left up to him, the least qualified to offer support or caring for someone in need.

Rob “Ashley, why don’t you sit down over here for a few minutes…”

Ashley “I can’t, I have to go inside, I need to be with him, I can’t…”

Rob “Look man, you are wiped out, come on, you sit down over here, you can still see in and uh, how about if Paul goes inside and sits with Terry until you are a bit more calm? Okay?”

Ashley “Huh? Paul, who is, oh Paul, uh, I should, I mean…”

Paul “I can wait out here, but, well, if I could…”

He couldn’t stop looking at Rob, the way his face was set so grim and it had this yellow tinge to it, as if he was feeling the pain of everyone, not just his own and it was strange to him, and yet at the same time he felt this need to go inside, to hold Terry’s hand and talk to him, even though he knew he couldn’t hear him.

Looking at Rob he felt his heart fluttering a little out of gratitude that was it, because if it wasn’t then there was something else happening and he couldn’t deal with that too. He still didn’t understand all that was happening, and it was bad enough to have walked in to see all those tubes and wires sticking out of Terry, never mind the sudden commotion when that damn machine started its steady whining noise.

Rob “Look Ash, you aren’t being sensible here, Terry needs you strong, now come on, you sit over here and get it together, let Paul have a few moments with him first, you can go in shortly, okay?”

Ashley “I can’t leave him, I can’t, not yet, the beach is all, I mean…”

The sounds of surf crashing up against the far coral reef echoed in his ears, as did the sound of chattering dolphins out in the lagoon and yet all he wanted was to rest at the shaken boy next to him. He had his arm around him and he could feel the pain easing a little, the golden skin no longer gold but instead pale and drawn as his body continued to fight the battle within, but he knew by being there, by holding him that he was helping. He couldn’t leave him, didn’t they understand that?

Rob “Okay, come on, let’s just go sit here, maybe Carl can uh, get some coffee or something for you to drink? Come on, just come and sit over here, you aren’t leaving him anywhere, he’s right there, see?”

Rob slowly led Ashley away from the sliding glass doorway and made him sit down on the long leather bench against the wall. They sat there staring into the room, as the nurse kept her eye on Terry but every second or two her eyes would glance up at the machines, as if what her eyes showed her needed the machines confirmation.

Paul watched Rob leading Ashley towards the bench and his heart was fluttering, making weird sounds and for some reason even his stomach seemed to be acting strange, and just from watching Rob. He couldn’t explain it but he turned away, refusing to let his mind wander and he took a hesitant step towards the glass room and his brother.

The pain seemed to be everywhere and even the nurse inside seemed to be aware of it. Her face was pinched and drawn and her smile wan as she moved aside to let him get closer. The roar of his heart was deafening but so were the shrill calls of dolphins at play that seemed to suddenly appear inside of his head. He could hear them, the incessant chatter and he felt the sweat dripping off his brow as he moved in closer, looking down now at the body that was beneath the tubes and wires and machines.

He looked down and then backed away, fear gripping at him and for a brief moment he wanted to do nothing but turn tail and run and he even felt his body turn, his feet shift but a hard blow to his side stopped him cold. He could feel the strong nose pressing against his side and his eyes grew glazed as he felt the air in his lungs leaving him. Nothing he could do would stop that hard press, the one that now pushed at him, not content to have stopped his escape and he could smell that scent, that odour that was fish and yet he wasn’t in the ocean, he wasn’t in his wetsuit but was inside a hospital ICU room, so how could he be held by the dolphins long nose?

His palms itched and tears were around his eyes as he looked down to his side, were the ache from the dolphins press grew stronger as his mind urged him to run and yet nothing was there. The beads of sweat grew and as each one popped up, so to did the fear inside of him grow. He wasn’t a brave man, he knew that, but he couldn’t turn and run, and yet at the same time he couldn’t face what lay on the hospital bed either. Slowly the pain in his side made him turn back and once more his eyes stared down into the pale face of his brother.

Paul’s heart stopped for a second and his breath suddenly left him as he stared down into the face and the closed eyes. He saw the lids trembling as if there was something underneath trying to get out. Looking down at Terry’s stricken face, he watched as it shimmered in the harsh glare of the room’s lights and yet as he looked he noticed it hadn’t really changed much. There was still so much left there to remind him of the young 12 year old that had surprised him in his room one night, or of the 8 year old that had climbed into his bed because of a thunder storm and curled up next to him because their Father refused to let his children hide from nature.

It all came rushing back to him as he looked into the face and his heart ached harder than it had ever ached before. The pain of almost a decades loss came flooding into his heart at once and he felt like he was having a heart attack, the constriction of his chest was so severe and he gulped for air, struggling to contain his pain and regain his composure. Even the Nurse noticed it and watched him with one eye, keeping the other on the banks of machines above Terry’s prone lifeless body.

Looking at Terry he could remember how good it felt to wrap his own older arms around his younger brother and even though he too had been frightened by the severe storm, he didn’t let on. He could still hear Terry asking him to let him stay with him till the storm ended and he remembered too how glad he was that Terry had come to him. He too was scared and having Terry next to him had made him strong, had given him the courage he needed to get through the night himself and suddenly it dawned on him that Terry had never really been scared of the storm, he had come because he knew how storms made Paul feel.

God, even at 8 years Terry was showing his knack or talent for making people feel good. Maybe that was part of it, part of why he had backed away from defending Terry. He was scared that it would make him one too, that was a part, but also he was jealous, he admitted that now, because Terry could make people like him by just smiling, and Paul never could seem to make people instantly take to him.

Christ, just look at how he had antagonized Ashley and Carl with his heavy handed comments, but Rob, Rob seemed different and for a brief second he no longer thought about the pain he was feeling or the regrets that were tearing at him, instead he was wondering why Rob had defended him, why Rob had shown him compassion, when his own actions begged for harsh responses. It was all strange to him as he turned back to stare at Terry and he felt once more the draw, the pull of his brother’s spirit and his hand moved hesitantly from his side, sweat dripping still, but it moved closer to the limp hand on the bed.

There was so much that he wanted to say, so many questions he wanted answered and yet his mouth was glued shut. He couldn’t speak but somehow he knew that Terry knew. Some mystical connection was being woven around him and pulled him in towards Terry and he felt the fear growing inside of him. His heart was beating fast and yet all he really wanted to do was reach out and hug his brother. Why couldn’t he do that? Why couldn’t he have shown Terry long ago that no matter what, he was his brother?

The sorrow filled him as his fingers touched Terry’s cold hand. A shock seemed to pass into his body and yet he stood rock still. Nothing could make him budge and he still had this insane fear that had he moved, a dolphin would be there to hold him still, to keep him rooted where he was and he felt ashamed once more. This was his brother, why should he be afraid to be with his own flesh and blood? Why could some stranger be weeping outside while his own tears merely dribbled down his face?

Terry had been a good brother and in some ways they had even been friends. Terry never once had caused Paul any reason to hate him. Sure they had fights, what brothers didn’t, but never anything serious or anything that would last longer than a day or two, so why didn’t he stand up for him? Why did he let his parents send a scared 14 year old out into the world simply because he was different? Why did he, an older version of Terry not fight for what he knew was right?

The grief for his past swept upwards and engulfed him and he could feel it threatening to paralyze him once more. The terrific grip it had on him was something that he couldn’t explain but it was like a hand holding his heart, refusing to let it beat one beat faster or one beat slower. It was as if it controlled him totally and he stood there, afraid and ashamed but his fingers continued to reach for Terry’s hand and now they rested in the open palm.

The warmth was slow for him to recognize but he could feel the unease around his heart growing and his mind was confused as he struggled with the emotions that were running wild inside of him. When finally he felt the heat, he was surprised because he knew where it was coming from and he cried out “NO! NO DON’T” but it was a cry that no one could hear, no one but Terry that is.

His whole body was trembling as the fiery heat came finally into him and he felt the tears beginning to roll down his cheeks once more as Terry reached out to him. The warmth was searching for his soul and in his own despair he was trying to force it away, to send it back because he knew that Terry had no strength to spare, none to give and yet here it was, slowly filling his own body and he couldn’t, not now, not after all this time, could he let Terry do for him what he had denied doing for Terry.

The pain around his heart was there and he could feel the warmth reaching for those cold fingers, he could feel Terry’s spirit as it battled his will and battled the terror that had him in a vice grip. He could feel the power of Terry’s love for him as it reached for each icy cold finger and as it pried that finger from around his heart, he felt his own spirit rising up and his own love reaching upwards. His body was shaking and he knew the nurse was starting to stare at him with both eyes now, and yet he couldn’t move away, he couldn’t break the bond that had suddenly sprung up between him and his brother.

He could hear Terry’s laughter as they had ran in the backyard, or as he had thrown the baseball to him, and his heart started to beat on its own, no longer held captive, no longer restrained by the fingers of his regrets. The vibrant sounds of a carefree Terry laughing as Paul had fallen reaching for a wild toss of a ball, or how they had loved to go to the ocean and swim out to the diving platform. He smiled now, as the memories of his first time out there, when he and Terry had swam to the wooden floating dock and it was there that he had first voiced his desire to go into marine biology.

Terry was almost 14 then, and he was 16 and had just broken off with his girlfriend so Terry had suggested they go to the ocean for a swim, to get Paul’s mind off of the girl, and he had protested, wanting only to be left alone, yet Terry had insisted and rather than fight he had given in.

They had swum out to the platform and lay there in the sun, two young boys coming into their prime and Terry leaned on his elbows and pointed off towards the ocean. Paul had looked and he saw the dorsal fins coming towards them and he grew quiet, still not sure if they were sharks or what, but Terry seemed to know instantly as he jumped up shouting ‘DOLPHINS! DOLPHINS PAULIE! LOOK AT THEM SWIM MAN! COME ON LOOK PAULIE!”

He had too, and in that very second he knew that it was what he had wanted to be. He stood there amazed at their speed and their grace as they swam up to the dock and started to frolic around them both. He could even now hear them chattering as if they were talking to each other, and every now and then one would suddenly rear up and stare at the two boys on the wooden dock and then start an loud chatter as it backed through the water, its head held high.

It all came rushing back to him now as he stood there, his hand slowly closing around Terry’s own limp hand. The pain around his heart gone for now and the warmth inside of him continued to grow as he could see it all once more, see the joy that Terry had in his eyes as he followed the dolphins at play.

Terry “Come on Paulie, let’s swim with them man, come on”

Paul “No, they could hurt you, don’t be crazy Terry, don’t!”

Terry “Shit, they won’t hurt me, and they won’t hurt you either, come on, don’t be so stiff, let loose man, forget what’s her name and let’s go swim with them, come on!”

Terry leapt from the platform and splashed into the water. He had dived perfectly and only a small ripple showed where he had entered the water and his head came up fast and two of the dolphins were suddenly all around him. Paul had been frightened, afraid they were going to hurt his brother and he looked around for something to use to beat them off but the loud peal of laughter stopped him and he turned to see Terry whizzing around in a circle as he held onto one dorsal fin.

He couldn’t believe it as he watched and the sounds of pure joy were too much for him and he too finally was overcome by it all. Paul could feel that joy even now, and he smiled a little as his fingers caressed the palm of Terry’s hand.

He wasn’t as good at diving as Terry and he made a big splash and when he rose to the surface, he could feel a little panic at his heart until he saw the wet locks of his brother’s golden hair streaming out as he came towards him. Terry was brought to him fast and expertly, like a taxi dropping off a fare at the door.

Terry just howled with laughter and splashed Paul’s face with the water and that was the moment when he knew. It was then that the world changed for him only he didn’t know it then, but he did later and he knew it now.

Terry “This is heaven man, isn’t it?”

Paul “Yeah, yeah it is, God I love the ocean, it is so clean, so alive you have no idea Terr, no idea at all at what this is all about.”

Terry “No? Maybe bro, maybe but you’ll teach me, right?”

Paul “Me? Haha, yeah right, why would I teach you about the ocean?”

Terry “Why not? If it makes you so happy, maybe I should know more about it, ever think of that?”

Paul “No, but it does make me happy, I wish I could do this forever, you know?”

Terry “Yeah, look at that, wow that is so super, how do they do it?”

Paul “I don’t know, but they are supposed to be more intelligent than us “

Terry “Go away, really?”

Paul “Yeah, really, God, I wish I could spend my life with them, learning about them, learning from them, it would be the ultimate.”

Terry “So, why don’t you? You got the brains for it, not like me, but I got the looks, haha”

Paul “Yeah, that you do little bro, but I don’t know, it’s a lot of work to get into something like that, I don’t know if I could do it.”

Terry “No? Guess not then, but Paulie, look at them, look at how they play, and tell me that isn’t worth a bit of your sweat?”

Paul’s smile grew wider as he heard the words once more, and he saw how his brother started to wave at the dolphins and how in a second there were four of them circling them both. He remembered how Terry would swivel his head while treading water to stare at the dolphins and then stare back at him. He could feel the tremors of excitement rising in him as two dolphins nudged closer to him, their own dorsal fins resting lightly under his own hands and it was the twinkle in Terry’s eyes and the laughter in his face that made him grasp those fins and let himself be taken for the ride of his life.

They had stayed out there for hours, and the joy he had then was still locked deep inside of his heart. He had swum with the dolphins and with his brother and it couldn’t have been a better day, and it was also the last time that they had been in the ocean together. It wasn’t long after that that his parent found out that Terry was gay. 

There had been no more outing with Terry as their family life grew silent and he cried now as he felt his own shame, because he knew that it was Terry’s coaxing that had made him reach for the dolphins, reach for his dream that he was now living. How could he have been so stupid, so callus and self centered as to deny Terry at that one moment when Terry really did need him? How could he stand here and call himself a brother?

Part 2

Bruce Collier rushed into the emergency room door and flashing his ID at the security guard and pointing back towards Connor he flew past, heading towards the staff elevator. His heart was pumping a mile a second and he knew that it was irrational, that he should be feeling like without him nothing could be done, that he was the only one who could do it, but it was how he felt.

Fear had taken hold and even the presence of Connor hadn’t made the hair raising drive to the hospital any easier. How could this happen, the kid had been stable for nearly 24 hours, and now this? What had gone so wrong that his entire world was now in a mess?

Punching the elevator call button didn’t do anything and he saw it was still up top and he looked around and without any further hesitation he ran towards the two swinging glass doors that led to the stairway. It was where doctor’s and nurses got their exercise, but for him it was a place to avoid, until now. He began climbing the stairs two at a time as his heart kept pushing him and he could hear Connor following and for a second he forgot the terror that was holding him captive.

Everything had gone right, he had done something doctors lived for, he had cheated death but now death was getting even and he thought it was because of his pride. After all it really wasn’t him who cheated death, it was his skill, which really wasn’t his either, but a gift from God, and now he was being punished for claiming it as his. Or was he? Could God be that way? Would he?

Too many thoughts when he should be thinking of procedures to follow, thinking of drugs he could use in his battle with death, but his mind was still on the old system, still trying to make sense out of a world that really made no sense. People went out to hurt people; it was becoming as natural as birds flying, dogs barking, and fish swimming, so why did he feel anger at it? Why did he feel that at least in his corner of the world it shouldn’t happen?

His breath was coming shorter with each step and his feet were beginning to feel like lead and yet he couldn’t stop, the thrum of his heart was egging him onwards even if his body was unwilling. He leaned across the cold metal rail to catch his breath and he could hear himself panting when suddenly he felt the strong hand across his shoulder and he turned his fear stricken face to stare into Connor’s worried face.

Connor “Come on Bruce, this isn’t how its done”

Bruce “I …I have to… man it hurts, how the fuck do you guys, I mean, so many stairs…”

Connor “Yeah, okay look bend down and rest your hands on your knees, come on, this is my field, do as I say…”

Bruce “I can’t, I mean Connor, I have to…”

Connor “Then listen to me and stop fighting me, do as I say, NOW!”

Bruce smiled at the forceful words and he listened. Slowly he bent himself over to rest his hands on his knees and he stared down at the steps and slowly he could feel the tightness around his chest easing up and air flowed into his lungs easier. God, he couldn’t believe it, but he was actually feeling stronger as his body slowed its pace down. 

Bruce “Thanks, man, this is harder than it looks, how the hell…”

Connor “By not running, walk steady as if you are going to try to make the crosswalk, don’t run and breath thru your mouth, pump it in and out but keep it steady, that way you’ll go further faster than if you run, okay? Got it?”

Bruce “Yeah, I got it, thanks”

Connor “Yeah, now shut up and let’s go, that kid needs you”

Bruce “Yeah, but I don’t know what I can do, Connor, I failed him, I know that, I got too cocky, I mean…”

Connor “Shut up Bruce, you didn’t get cocky, you beat the odds then, at least you can try once more, can’t you?”

Bruce “Yeah, I can try, maybe you are right, I just don’t know if…”

Connor “Bruce, its never really our choice, you and I know that, we see it every day, but we try anyways, because maybe that’s why we are here, to try, to give others that chance, it does make a difference.”

Bruce “Does it? I wonder sometimes…”

Connor “It does, it is just that sometimes, well sometimes the man upstairs, he just feels his plans need that person more than we do, I guess.”

Bruce “Since when did you get so philosophical? I never heard you talk like this before?”

Connor “I don’t know, I guess I always felt this way, just never secure enough to talk about it, guess you changed all that for me last night…”

Bruce “Me? I didn’t do anything, and since when were you not feeling secure enough?”

Connor “Haha, sure I yelled a lot, but it was a cover up for what I really feel, I guess I over compensated huh?”

Bruce “No, not really, Connor…”

Connor “Yeah, Me too… uh, ready?”

Bruce “Yeah, now I am, thanks.”

Bruce leaned over and kissed Connor on the lips. He placed his hand under Connor’s chin and lifted it up to his own face where he gazed into his eyes for a second, then with his own eyelids fluttering he leaned down and brushed his lips lightly across Connor’s full mouth. The taste of his lover filled him with a strong powerful urge to leap tall buildings and go faster than a speeding bullet but it also gave him a sense of calmness as he turned and at a steadier pace began to climb up the stairs towards the ICU unit and what lay in wait for him there.

Together they finally emerged in the brightly lit corridor and with Connor at his side he quickly made his way to the end of the hallway and the large nurse’s station. He glanced to the side and saw four young people milling around, and he recognized three of them from last night, but as his eyes stared at the fourth person, he stopped for an instant.

The face was almost the same, the way the eyes were looking at him and at everyone else, but it was impossible, because he had worked on that person, but finally his mind was able to decipher it and he realized that the young man had a brother.

Just the thought that Terry had a family raised a whole slew of questions and for an instant he felt panic. What if they wanted someone else to handle his case? But that was silly, he was the doctor of record, hell he had helped to save his life, well so far, but still he couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that the sight of Paul had brought to him. Even Connor’s gently touch on his shoulder couldn’t soften the unease that was creeping up inside of him as he picked up the large binder and began to find out just what was going on.

Connor watched him and he saw the way he set his jaw, the way his hands gripped the metal binder edges as he studied the cold facts listed there. He could feel the pain reaching upwards from that binder and he blinked away a few tears that had suddenly welled up in the corners of his eyes. He loved Bruce so much and yet he knew he was just beginning to realize how much, as was Bruce. It was a frightening thought, that what they had was just beginning, but as he turned to look at the four young men, he felt the love holding him, letting him breath and letting him feel.

Slowly Connor walked over to the group and for some unknown reason, he just looked at Ashley and opened his arms, letting the tall young blond fall into them and he could feel his fear as if it was real, as if it had a body to it and he closed his arms around the shaking body and hugged it tight, whispering in his ear that it would all work out, even though he didn’t know if it would or not. He just couldn’t let him stand-alone and so he held him tight, hoping that his own strength could find its way into Ashley’s body.

Bruce read the words over and over again but he couldn’t change their meanings. He looked up at the Nurse and he could see her own pain as she waited, and her eyes said it all. He didn’t know how he was going to tell them, but he still needed to check the images and slowly, as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders he walked over to the bank of lights and thrust the dark square films onto the clips and flicked the switch to stare at what had been written in the binder.

The pictures didn’t lie or change anything. He looked, hoping that they had maybe missed something, that maybe the surgeon was wrong but the images were clear. He could see it clearly without even having to squint, and his heart felt heavy, each beat like a hammer against his soul, but still, there was a chance, slight but still a chance.