Chapter 14

 Part 1

Ashley stared up into Rob’s aqua green eyes and smiled. He could feel Rob’s pain and confusion too, but the calm in his own soul seemed to be reaching out, touching Rob’s quivering heart and he knew that Rob understood. It wasn’t something he could put into words, but he felt that no matter what life had in store, Rob was going to be a part of it, along with his own sense that Terry would always be with him.

The look was almost mystical in a way, the way he could see things that had been hidden from him, and he could see the actual pain that rested deep within Rob’s soul and heart. It was scary actually but he had the calm of Terry’s touch to keep him still, to force his own pain away and looking at Rob, he hoped that somehow he could reach him and ease his own suffering.

The gentle sounds of water lapping up against a golden beach still echoed in his ears but he could also hear the birds singing outside the window, even the sounds of cars going along the street were recognizable now, and yet still in the back of his mind he could hear the water and it only made him snuggle down further into the comfort of the pillows. It really was strange, how serene he felt, but then, he had just been with Terry, or at least it sure felt like it. The throb in his groin was there, and he could still feel the presence of Terry inside of him, and it made him warm all over, and yet his mind was confused, because Terry was lying flat in a hospital bed, but they had been together.

Ashley “Weird isn’t it?”

Rob “Huh? What is?”

Ashley “How you can feel someone even when they aren’t there.”

Rob “I suppose. It’s not always good though.”

Ashley “No, guess it depends doesn’t it? You okay Rob?”

Rob “Shit, yeah, don’t worry about me, how you doing?”

Ashley “Better, I wish he was here.”

Rob “Yeah, we all do, but he’s strong, and besides, I think he wants to come back here, it’s his chance, isn’t it?”

Ashley “Yeah, guess so, but either way, he’s going to be happy, we’ll always have that, I just, shit, I love him so much Rob, I can’t explain it, you ever felt like that?”

Rob “Like what? In love? No… no I don’t think so, not like how you mean it anyways, maybe one day though.”

Ashley “Yeah, I think you’d enjoy it, if you gave it a chance.”

Rob “A chance huh? Well, I don’t know, kind of hard when you have all the baggage I have Ash, it’s not like I am a prize catch.”

Ashley “Yeah you are, you just don’t know it. Terry didn’t think he was either, but he is, always will be too.”

Rob “Yeah? Well he found you, or did you find him? Never really was sure who found who, but I doubt if it’ll work for me like that, not in this lifetime.”

Ashley “That’s what Terry said too, but it’ll happen, uh Rob?”

Rob “Yeah?”

Ashley “Uh, can you stay here for a few days? I know you have your own place, it is just, well, I really don’t want to stay here alone, would you?”

Rob “Sure, if you want, I mean it might be kind of distracting, I still have to work and all, but yeah if you want, I’ll keep you company.”

Ashley “Thanks Rob, I guess we should get something to eat then head back, I really appreciate you and Carl hanging around like this, it helps.”

Rob “It’s okay, it is what friends do, least it is supposed to be.”

The knock on the door startled both young men, and for a brief second, there was a flash of fear that rolled across Ashley’s face, and yet as he stared across at Rob and then towards the door, he was sure he had seen the same fear in Rob’s face. He shook a little as Rob moved away and headed towards the door, Carl still snoring softly on the couch, his chest still moving up and down in a peaceful slumber.

He figured it had to be the super bringing the food as he glanced at the clock and saw the time. The rumble in his stomach was also telling him that it was time to eat too, and yet something in the back of his mind was nagging at him, as if impending trouble lay ahead but he shook it off as he opened the door. Instead of the super, he found a tall young man standing there, short blond hair and eyes that pierced his, and yet, looking at him he felt he knew him, but it couldn’t be. There was no way that it could be, but damn he looked so familiar and his heart began to tremble, his arms were a bit shaky too as he held the door open, his mouth open and a slight tremor rolled back and forth across his lips.

Ashley had followed Rob to the door and he too saw the resemblances and his heart began to flutter as he stared at the young blond in the doorway. He couldn’t believe it, the way he looked, except for the shorter hair and the slight appearance of whiskers around the chin, he was a spitting image, but that couldn’t be, there was no way it could be but there he stood.

Paul “Uh, excuse me, but uh, does Terry Jamison live here?”

Rob “Huh? Oh, uh yeah he does.”

Paul “Is he here?”

Ashley “Uh no he isn’t, uh, sorry for staring, but, you look so familiar…”

Paul “Oh? Guess it’s the family resemblance, I am Terry’s older brother, Paul, and you are?”

Ashley “Brother? You are his brother?”

Paul “Yes, I am, guess he never told anyone much about us huh?”

Carl “Yes, he mentioned a bit to me, so you are Paul huh? Well, come on in Paul, it’s been some time since you talked with Terry isn’t it?”  Oh, I am Carl by the way, this one with his mouth open is Rob, and the dishevelled blond here is Ashley, he’s Terry’s special friend.”

Paul “Hi, special friend? Oh? Well uh, I see, I think, uh thanks Carl, so uh, where is my brother?”

Paul really wasn’t too sure what Carl had meant, but the connotation wasn’t lost on him as he glanced at Ashley. He liked what he saw in that Ashley was a handsome young man, and there was a hint of something buried within him that just made you want to know more, as if he was someone you wanted to be around. It was all strange to him as he slowly entered the apartment.

Ashley watched as Paul walked in and his heart skipped a beat or two, as it was exactly the way Terry would walk into a room, his head swiveling around surveying the place, as if looking for someone that wasn’t there but should be. His eyes were just like Terry’s and worse, he even had the same thin build to him, though a bit taller. His hair was shorter but you could see it was the same bright blond and you could tell, if it were longer it too would have the same curls as Terry’s did. You would swear they were twins but Paul had said he was the older brother.

Carl glanced at Ashley and he could see the way he was staring, knowing that the resemblance was haunting him and raising all sorts of questions. Terry had mentioned briefly about his family, how he had come out to them, scared and not sure even if he was gay, but he had made the mistake of trusting in his family, or so he had said. He had told Carl how his father had cursed him and told him he needed to go to church and talk to the minister and that Terry needed guidance to rid him of such blasphemous thoughts.

Terry’s voice had been filled with real pain when he had talked about that time when he was 14. Carl still didn’t know all the gory details, but what he did know didn’t make him feel very charitable to the Jamison family, including big brother Paul. It was a shame really, because Terry needed his family now, so did Ashley.

Paul felt uneasy as he stepped inside. It was almost as if he was suddenly being thrust into the witness box in a court room trial and he was the defendant, even though he didn’t know what crime he had committed. The way the tall huge man stared at him, made him feel itchy all over, as if he was suddenly stripped of all his clothes, and despite a quick check, he knew he was fully dressed. It felt so unreal, and he looked furtively at Ashley, seeing a handsome young man who hadn’t had much sleep, in fact, none of them looked exactly fresh for this particular time of day.

He couldn’t explain it, but ever since he went swimming last night, he had this urge to see his younger brother, and he couldn’t explain it, but after the mornings swim the urge only got worse. It was so bad that he actually had thrown up his breakfast, something that he rarely did. He had panicked a little too, the way the dolphins seemed to keep coming closer to him, nudging him as if trying to get him out of the pool, and that was unusual in itself. They rarely were so aggressive and he had the bruises though to show for this morning’s treatment. It had made him frightened, and yet it had also brought back some painful memories of a time long ago, when he had stood behind his father as Terry had left the house, for the last time.

Walking into the apartment he could feel a strange sadness in the place, as if there was a heavy burden on the place and he carefully looked once more at the three men who had greeted him. He couldn’t explain it but the urge inside of him to see Terry was suddenly overpowering. He felt a chill that was making him break out into a cold sweat and yet there wasn’t anything tangible around that should make him feel that way. 

When the tall one had introduced Ashley as Terry’s special friend, he felt a twinge around his heart, and his eyes had bored in closely, as if he really wanted to touch Ashley’s soul, to find out just how close or how special of a friend Ashley might be to Terry. Strange, he had never had this feeling before, as if it was suddenly up to him to play the protective role for Terry. All of his younger memories of Terry was that he was pretty self-reliant but he knew that wasn’t the case that it was nothing more than false bravado that Terry had thrown up, so as to hide just how much he really did feel. Damn it, why did he suddenly start to feel this way?

There was definitely something wrong here too; he could sense it in the way that everyone was holding themselves. This Ashley fella seemed so surprised that he was Terry’s brother and yet it was almost as if he knew Ashley, as if he was someone he had seen before but his mind said no. The taller one was a bit intimidating and worse, he could feel his animosity towards him, which he didn’t quite understand, unless he knew more than he had said so far. Most likely Terry had told him the truth, which only made him feel even queasier as he slowly walked towards the couch.

His eyes took in the messed up pillows on the floor and he suddenly felt like he was a man of a hundred. It was strange, all these feelings he was having, and he couldn’t explain any of it. It was almost as if some other force was guiding his movements, despite his minds desire to run away from them. The pain in his chest grew strong again and yet for some reason he knew it was just the beginning. Paul lowered himself carefully to the couch, the pain from the mornings swim still ached and he clutched at his side a little as a sharp twinge rolled through his body.

Ashley watched him hold himself tenderly and he walked slowly over to the chair where Rob had sat and he sat down to stare across at Terry’s older brother. His heart ached suddenly as a passing thought gently rolled through his body and he shivered a bit, praying that the words were wrong, that the meaning was something else and yet in his heart he could feel the ache again, the terrible ache that he suddenly knew would never leave.

Carl moved to sit on the arm of the chair, next to Ashley and he looked down at Paul, seeing a great deal of Terry in his face and yet a difference too, almost as if Paul was still in shock even though he obviously didn’t know anything about the attack on Terry and Marvin, or how seriously hurt Terry was either. Carl began to pray silently, asking for strength so that he could break the news gently to Paul, but how do you ever break such news gently? 

Rob felt like he was a babbling idiot and yet he hadn’t said a word. It was almost as if someone had crazy glued his lips together even though he knew his mouth was wide open as he stared at an older version of Terry. Shit, the guy was handsome, hair a bit too short, but the way his biceps flexed and the way he just stood there, so damn sure of himself and yet, not quite. There was that hint of mystery, just like the way Terry held himself, but Paul was taller and older.

He couldn’t explain it either as he walked behind Paul and he felt a strange sort of excitement, and yet there was that nagging question, of just what did Paul want? Worse, was what would Paul say or do when he found out that Terry was hurt? Would he be outraged at the attack, or would he think it was simply Terry’s bad fortune but his own fault for being gay? Rob shook his head a little as he sat down next to Paul on the couch and turned to look at him. He was a bit surprised to find Paul was staring at him, and he felt uneasy, as his heart fluttered a little and his pulse raced just a wee bit faster.

It was almost as if sparks flew between them and it made Rob feel even more uncomfortable as he stared into the soft blue eyes. He saw the turmoil that was raging inside of Paul, and he could sympathize, as he felt that same turmoil many times. He looked down, staring at his own leg as he heard Paul asking the question that they all dreaded in answering.

Paul “So, uh, where is Terry?”

Paul could feel the tension rise up even more, it was so thick he was sure you could cut it with a knife, and yet while he really didn’t want the answer, he knew he had to ask it. There was a dull throb in the back of his head, and for some strange reason he could hear the dolphins chattering away, just as they did this morning and his eyes filled with tears as he turned his face towards Ashley.

Panic tore at his heart as his mind started to unravel some of the mysterious thoughts that had suddenly welled up inside of him. He looked out at Paul and saw Terry there, and his heart grew silent as he felt the coldness reaching for him. He couldn’t explain it, he didn’t want to have it explained and he felt the terror gripping him, holding him even as Carl’s large hand suddenly rested on his shoulder.

Carl “Uh, well Paul, I guess there is no…” Ashley “It’s okay Carl, I’ll tell him.”

Carl “You sure? I mean…”

Paul “Tell me what? Is there something wrong with Terry?”

The thought of Terry being hurt or sick hadn’t crossed his mind and yet now, hearing them and seeing that Ashley was near tears made him lean forward in the couch. The pain from his bruised ribs shot through his whole body and he winced but he struggled, his eyes open wide like saucers as he waited for the explanation.

Ashley “Uh, Paul, Terry is in the hospital, and it really is serious, uh…”

Paul “It’s AIDS isn’t it? He’s got it, FUCK! I knew that, shit, who gave it to him? You? How…”

The room suddenly grew quiet and along with the sorrow that filled the entire place, anger and hatred seemed to suddenly spill into the whole place. Ashley grew tense and his he was on his feet, ready to fight and yet the pain of the words was making him shake, tears not far from his face. Rob was stunned and he could see the same rage rearing up in Carl’s face as he had seen just earlier that night and it made him frightened.

Paul had spoken so fast that as he saw the faces before and around him, he knew he had once more put his foot into his mouth. He didn’t know why he was here, he didn’t know why he had assumed that Terry was sick even, all he knew was that he had to see Terry, had to talk to him or at least be near him and now it was like it was all too late, that he had squandered his one chance and he felt the anger inside, not at himself but at Ashley, at Terry’s special friend, and he knew it was irrational, even wrong but he wanted to hit him, to feel his face as his fist struck it.

Carl “It isn’t AIDS Paul, now settle down please, or…”

Carl had stood up as Paul had risen too. There was anger and fire in Paul’s face as he rose up, his hands clenched in two hard fists at his side as he shot out his angry thoughts. Carl had seen that look and was surprised at first, given what little he knew about Paul and Terry, and yet the words hit home hard. He saw Ashley fall back into the chair, tears rolling down his cheeks and his own face grew hard as he answered Paul back.

Rob saw Paul rising up and he could see the blood draining from his face and even his arms. He looked down to see the hand clenched into a balled fist and the knuckles glowed white from the pressure that Paul was putting on his fingers, the blood draining away and yet he understood the sudden fear that had overtaken Paul.

Rob “No Paul, it isn’t anything like that, uh look, come on, sit back down and I’ll explain it to you, okay?”

Rob had stood up and now he rested one hand on Paul’s shoulder, and for some reason he felt a strange electric jolt as his hand took hold of Paul’s arm. He could feel the rage inside of Paul, but it wasn’t directed at Ashley or even Carl but was turned inwards and Rob felt the pain that Paul was feeling. It was as if he thought he was too late, that Terry was gone from him and yet that wasn’t the case.

Paul “You sure? I mean, I am sorry, I guess I am a bit wound up here, hell, I don’t even know why I am here.”

Ashley “Sorry? Doubt that very much, you just want to ease your own conscience, but… no, no I won’t stoop to that level, you want answers, you think we have taken your brother away, well not us, but our type, don’t you?”

Paul “Huh? No, no I don’t, well, I don’t know what I mean, I am sorry, how bad, if its not, I mean…”

Rob “Uh, he was assaulted on his way to the bar, to the gay bar, its pretty serious.”

Paul “Assaulted? You mean someone attacked him? How, I mean, but why? Did he try to pick the guy up or something? Why would a stranger just attack him? This doesn’t make any sense, I …”

Ashley “What? Terry isn’t to blame, why are you blaming him?”

Rob “Ash, cool down, he is just, it’s a shock to him too, okay?”

Ashley “No, its not okay Rob, defend him if you want, Terry isn’t some walking trouble maker, fuck, he’s fighting for his life!”

Rob “I know that, come on, cut him some slack.”

Paul “I am sorry, this is all a shock to me, hell I don’t even know why I came today, it is just, I guess, I mean I suppose it was time I got to know my brother again, and now, you tell me he is in hospital, I am sorry, I don’t know Terry like you do, I wish I did…”

Ashley “I suppose… but, shit, I don’t know what you know of Terry, but he isn’t a trouble maker, he doesn’t go out of his way to hurt people, unlike others in his family, so it seems, he’s good people and I love him, and you can either accept that, or you can fuck right off now, we don’t need your, your…”

Carl “Ashley, cool down, Paul didn’t mean it that way, did you Paul? This is all a shock to everyone Ashley, come on, Terry would expect better of all of us, don’t you think?”

Ashley “Yeah sure, I suppose so, it is just, fuck I don’t know, I guess after all that happened, fine Carl, sorry Paul.”

Paul “Uh, shit, I am sorry, I guess I am still trying to figure out why, I mean, damn, this isn’t easy for me either, I mean I knew he was gay, okay? Man did I know that, but fuck, to come face to face with his, what do you call yourself? Lovers? I don’t even, shit, look, I am sorry, okay? I just, I don’t know how to deal with this, it’s not something I am at ease about, but he is my brother, okay?”

Rob “Look, everyone is on edge, uh, we are about to have something to eat, its been a rather long night, uh, why don’t you join us Paul, then we can all head over to the hospital? Ash?”

Paul “Well, I don’t want to impose…”

Ashley “Yeah, sure Rob, sorry Paul, it is just, well, Terry is my life, I don’t really expect you to understand that, shit I am not sure even I do really, but he’s important to me, I don’t know how I’d manage without him.”

Paul “I think I can understand that Ashley, at least I want to try to, uh, is it that serious? I mean, how badly was he hurt?”

Carl “It’s very serious Paul, he, well, he might not make it, the doctors, well, they aren’t sure, they uh, well they said the next 24 to 48 hours will tell, I guess we are all a bit on edge.”

Paul “What? But, how, I mean, oh shit, I am too late…”

Ashley “NO! Don’t say that, Oh God, don’t please, don’t say that.”

Ashley fell back into the chair and buried his head into his hands. His young body shook as he began to sob uncontrollably as the thoughts raced through his mind, it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be and he tried to reach out, to once more touch that soft face, to feel the warm golden flesh against his, but all he could see was Terry waving to him from the shoreline of the island, the dolphins dancing in the lagoon, his hands couldn’t reach him and he grew more frightened, even as Carl patted his back.

Paul saw the young man fall back to the chair and he felt the tug inside of his own heart as he heard the deep gut wrenching sobs coming from behind the shaking hands. He didn’t understand it, at least not all of it, and at first he was repulsed by the notion that this tall young man was a part of Terry’s life, that he was actually doing things with him that weren’t natural, but then, why was he feeling so jealous of his younger brother? Why was he constantly stealing glances at the other young man next to him if this was so wrong, so unnatural?

His mind was confused as he slowly lowered himself back down onto the couch and stared at the tall giant trying to comfort the sobbing Ashley. He didn’t expect to see this, hell he didn’t know what he expected to see when the door opened, most likely some half naked boys doing drugs and reeking of alcohol, because that’s what he thought gays did. They screwed, drank excessively and did all sorts of drugs, and yet this was a nice apartment, furnished and actually clean too. 

Sure the place still had some unopened boxes of stuff, but it was clean, had a nice smell to it even and the people here, none of them were drunk, none of them looked like they were high or on drugs, tired maybe but given the news, that was to be expected. No, this wasn’t what he had expected and the emotions he was seeing, that really wasn’t something he even associated with Terry and his type.

He sat there, stunned by all that was unfolding in front of him, his senses were reeling and yet his mind was refusing to accept what it was seeing. Ashley was acting like any person would who had a lover in danger. Paul could see that he was acting just like he would act if his girlfriend was the one in hospital, or how his girlfriend would act if he was the one lying in a hospital bed, if he had one that is.

Funny really, he had been so determined to pursue his dream of being a marine biologist, he never seemed to have time for romantic liaisons, or was that just his excuse? He wasn’t a virgin, he had his share of female partners, but none left him satisfied and if he was honest, he doubted if any of them would show the depth of emotion for him as Ashley was showing for Terry. What was it about his younger brother that made these three feel so much for him? 

His own opinion on gays and their lifestyle was one of ignorance. He really didn’t understand how two men could do what supposedly Terry and his partners did, and yet he never did bother to think that it was something more than just getting off, yet looking at Ashley or even at Carl, he could see that really they weren’t acting any different than he would act.

Paul glanced once more to his right, and he saw the concern written all over Rob’s face as he stared at Ashley and Carl. It was strange, but he had this fleeting thought of what it would be like to have Rob worrying about him, and yet that wasn’t natural, was it? His father had drummed it into his head that Terry was doomed to Hell because he was a sodomist, and yet, how could someone breaking God’s laws be loved like Terry obviously was by these three? It just didn’t make sense, it made all his father and mother said seem wrong, but their minister supported them, and yet, it never really did seem right.

Tears welled up in his eyes again as he thought back to when he had found out that Terry was gay. Actually, that too was lie, because he had known for some time before his parents did that Terry was different. He had found some of Terry’s magazines, and he had to admit, it wasn’t exactly an unpleasant experience. He just didn’t really think that guys did that with other guys, but he was also jealous, they all had such big dicks in those magazines, and at that time he wasn’t exactly hung like a horse. 

Strange, to be thinking about that now, when what he should be thinking about was how was Terry? He shivered a little, as he tried to make sense of it all. He still didn’t know what had driven him to suddenly seek Terry out, or why the dolphins had suddenly turned on him, all of it only confused him and now, seeing Ashley reduced to tears for fear of Terry’s future, confused him even more. Could another man love a man that deeply? Was it really a choice or was there more to it?

He felt lost, as if he was caught in some foreign land or something. He hadn’t a clue as to what to do, or even say. All he could do was sit there like some log on a beach, and part of his mind wanted him to jump up and run away, but another part refused to let his mind have its way. He felt the fear inside, knowing that he didn’t want to face what he might be forced to face, and yet he couldn’t leave. The pain in his heart was growing harsher with each breath that he took and panic was slowly taking hold as his chest ached and began to make him breath a bit faster.

The sudden touch on his hand made him jump a little and his head twisted around in a flash. A strange warmth suddenly shot up his arm and he felt a strange exhilaration begin to flow inside of him as his eyes bugged out and he stared into Rob’s soft aqua marine eyes. He could feel him reaching out to him, the touch of his hand was like a flash fire and his flesh began to sweat from it as he trembled.

Rob felt so helpless as he watched Ashley break down into tears. The sounds of his sobs were like deep cuts in his heart and he shook a little, amazed at how much he cared for Ashley and Terry. He hardly knew them really and yet it was as if they were blood brothers. He still couldn’t understand how anyone could hate so much that they would do what Adam and his buddy had done to Terry and Marvin, and yet they had done it, hadn’t they?

He knew that each time he left for work or left to go home that he too risked the same treatment, not because he was gay, but simply because he came from a gay bar or was heading to one. No one really cared either, he had seen that by the way one of the paramedics had simply stood around, unwilling to help and yet, at the hospital he saw a different scene. He couldn’t explain it, but it was almost as if the doctor who worked on Terry had been awaken from a deep sleep, and Ashley, God, how much strength he had shown in the way he had kept everyone calm, and now here he was, reduced to tears as his fears took hold.

Maybe the world would be better off without man? At times, he wondered if maybe God hadn’t made a blunder when he created mankind, especially when he saw decent people like Ashley lose their chance at happiness, and yet looking at the crest fallen young man, he didn’t quite believe that hope was gone, that all was lost.

Rob could feel the way Paul kept looking at him, and while he was used to guys staring at him in that way, it felt different when Paul did it and yet Paul looked so confused, so uncertain of things, it made Rob’s heart ache. Paul had Terry’s look to him, granted an older and taller version but you could see the same fire in his eyes that you could see in Terry’s, and yet it too was different. It wasn’t as bright or as close to the surface as it was in Terry’s face, but then too, Paul didn’t have Ashley and maybe that did make the difference.

In many ways he felt a kinship towards Paul that he didn’t quite understand. For some strange inexplicable reason he felt like it was up to him to make Paul understand just who Terry was, what he had meant to Ashley, and as that thought flashed through his mind, he felt a cold chill run up and down his spine. How could he be thinking that way, it was almost as if he too was heading to a conclusion he didn’t want to have happen and it scared him. 

Rob felt the fear tear into his heart and for a brief instant he wanted to get up and run out the door but something held him back and he turned away from Ashley and Carl and looked at Paul. He saw the tears at the corners of his soft blue eyes and his heart ached in sympathy for Paul. He could feel the fear and panic as well as the confusion and he wanted to help, to make him understand and before he could think about it, he found his hand moving and it stopped only after it rested on top of Paul’s own trembling hand.

Rob “You okay?”

Paul “Uh, yeah, I guess.”

He didn’t know why, but he didn’t move his hand away from Rob’s and instead of that, he found himself thinking wild thoughts, wondering how it would feel to just sit there and rest his head on Rob’s shoulder. The loneliness he usually felt in his heart seemed different now, in some ways it was more intense and yet in other ways, it felt like it had been lifted, or at least could be lifted. His body continued to shake and the strange warmth continued to flow thru his body as he just sat there, his hand under Rob’s and all he could think of was the clear blue sparkling waters of the Pacific Ocean, with dolphins leaping and playing as he watched.

Part 2

Dr. Bruce Collier had his eyes closed and his one hand was underneath the sleeping body of his 26-year-old lover. Connor was fast asleep in their bed; his body nestled into Bruce’s as if it was a glove. Connor’s young muscular body filled every curve of Bruce’s body and it felt so good, he was afraid to move. He still couldn’t believe how lucky he was, and despite all that had happened last night, it still felt good to rest here, with Connor.

For some strange reason he felt like their relationship had taken a turn, had become something much deeper than he had ever imagined possible. They had reached a crossroads and for some unknown reason, he had been the one to make the choice of which path to take which wasn’t the way they normally did things. Usually it was him holding Connor back but this time, he was the one leading the charge and he had to admit, it felt good to suddenly be so free.

The secret of being gay was gone, and it was as if an entire weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He could actually breath now, and the air felt so good and so fresh. He wasn’t deluded in thinking it would be easy either, hell he already had that hammered into him when admitting tried to slough off the kid he had saved. God, it burned him to think that they cared so little for people that they would risk someone’s life simply for the bottom line, but he knew that while that was their supposed reason, it went deeper than that.

It really was no different how they treated all minorities that they knew about. It was just like them, the way they would give the minority doctors the worse shift schedules possible, how they would always place more restraint and supervision on them, not because they had less training, or were less competent, but simply because they had a different colour to their skin. He had seen it, and yet he felt that twist in his guts, because he hadn’t done a damn thing about it.

Maybe he should have spoken up, but hell, what would that have accomplished? Or maybe that was exactly what they had hoped for? Maybe it was like Connor had said that racism only existed not because there were fucking assholes in the world but because good decent people just didn’t speak up, they just shook their heads and muttered to themselves and yet did nothing more. He felt the pain around his chest as he laid there, seeing life in a whole new way.

Connor was right, but wrong too, because if he had challenged every slight, every hidden slight, he wouldn’t have been in that trauma room the other night, and he wouldn’t have had the resources he had to make a difference for Terry, so who was right, who was wrong? He felt like the weight was coming back to him and yet the beat of Connor’s heart next to his seemed to stop it, seemed to hold it back and he felt the tension easing again as he thought about Connor.

God, the sex they had had when getting home this morning was awesome, and he still could feel the tingle deep inside of him from where Connor had reached him, and yet even now, hours later he felt like it was still just a beginning for them both. He could feel the stirring in his loins as he thought about how tender Conner had been one second, then like a wild animal the next. It was as if he was making love to two different people at the same time, and yet he couldn’t ever seem himself doing that, because all he wanted was nestled into his body right now.

He had worried about that, wondered if he had been right in settling down with Connor, and yet somehow, now he knew the answer to that question and it wasn’t like it snuck up on him either, but instead it had hit him full force. It still amazed him at how much he needed to feel Connor next to him, but what had him more surprised was at how he suddenly just knew that. It was like it had been a deep dark secret and yet now, was plastered across every billboard in the world, that he, Bruce Collier loved and needed Connor Leeds.

Looking across at the alarm clock, he realized that most of the afternoon was gone, and that soon he would have to once more don the garb of doctor and head back to the hospital where he knew nothing but pain and troubles waited for him, and yet it was his choice, because he really was good at his job. There was more though, he no longer felt like he had to prove anything, that he would lose some, win some, but that in most cases, it really never was up to him, that there was indeed a higher power that controlled what would be and what wouldn’t be.

His job wasn’t to play God, but to assist as best as his talents would let him. He knew too though that he couldn’t just sit back either, that with his talent came a price and he felt a bit terrified at that prospect, because he knew how expensive that price could be, but as Connor had told him, it was a price they both needed to pay, if necessary. Bruce smiled at that memory, knowing that it was spoken from Connor’s heart, that it were true words spoken from one soul to another, and he felt himself curling back down into Connor’s sleeping body, feeling his hands as they had touched him and he felt the love still flowing in his veins.

Connor “You okay?”

Bruce “What? Shit, man you startled me, I thought you were sleeping…”

Connor “Haha, kind of hard to sleep with that thing calling me.”

Bruce followed the stare of Connor’s eyes and he smiled as he stared down his own 5ft 11in body to gaze at the hard protruding pole that had risen up from between his legs. He didn’t even realize how excited he had become by just thinking about Connor, but the hard 7-½ pole sticking up kind of proved that point. God, how could he be so horny after all they had done earlier in the day? 

He had always thought that once you got married or settled down with someone, the sex, well it more or less dropped off in frequency and intensity, but shit, if what they had done today was any indication, he thought he was in for one interesting ride. Christ, there he went again, a few words and his mind was turned once more to how much he wanted to be entwined with Connor’s body. Was he becoming a pervert at his age or was it just that he needed such intimate contact to keep the fires inside alive? Whatever the reason he knew he was embarking on something different, that the sex was no longer just a matter of ejaculating or having an orgasm, but of pleasing Connor.

Bruce “Judging by what’s poking into my side, I’d say someone else is rather awake, or is this just a dream? If it is, please don’t wake me up!”

Connor “God, did I ever tell you how much I love you?”

Connor reached over and kissed Bruce lightly on the lips but instead of moving back to rest at his side, he stayed hovering over the prone body of his lover. His own eyes were sparkling as he stared down at Bruce, and he felt the twinge in his heart, a twinge that was familiar but yet different, almost as if a change was taking place inside of him. He felt a bit scared at how much he wanted Bruce, he had never felt this desperate for the touch or feel of another man before, and yet he had thought he was in love before last night, but now he knew that was only the opening round, that this was the real thing and he was afraid that maybe Bruce wouldn’t feel the same way.

Bruce “God Yes, but I never really understood it until now, can you forgive me?”

Connor “Forgive you? Silly, there is nothing to forgive, maybe we were just going through the motions like you think, maybe not, maybe we were just getting ourselves ready for this? I don’t know, all I know is that looking at you now, I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else, and I can see the two of us sitting in a rocking chair at the old farts home in 50 years, together, and well, I don’t know, it just feels like that’s how its supposed to be, us, together.”

Bruce could see the passion, hell he was feeling it as Connor’s hand had gripped his own by the side and the strength in his grip was tremendous as he spoke and more than that, he felt the passion flowing between them as Connor described them sitting in a rocking chair together 50 years from now. Old age had frightened him and he rarely thought of it, but now, the image of him next to Connor, old, shrivelled and wrinkled, well it just didn’t seem so terrifying now, because he knew that he would be with Connor.

Connor couldn’t explain why or how he was suddenly feeling this way. All he knew was that deep inside of him, this fire had started, and it wasn’t from anything they had done this morning, instead he knew it had started the second he saw the lightning spark inside of Bruce light up the trauma room. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt like suddenly Bruce had emerged from behind some lead shield and that the person he had hoped for had indeed been there, and now was next to him.

His hand released the warm hand of Bruce and his eyes were roving like demons. It was as if he was high up in the sky, flying with the eagles and he had their keen sight, as he stared down at Bruce and he saw every part of the man that had turned his heart to mush. He saw the pores open and close and he could see each tiny hair swaying in the room’s air and yet more than all that physical stuff, he saw the love that was encased in that mortal container of flesh and bone. There was no mistaking its presence, and as his eyes narrowed, all he could think of was how much he loved Bruce and how much Bruce loved him.

Bruce stared into Connor’s distant eyes. They shimmered in the late glow of the sun in their bedroom, and he felt like he was walking amidst a mass of people. He felt surrounded by thousands upon thousands of strangers and yet as he continued to look up into the distant eyes, he felt the mass of people start to shrink, to grow away from him as he became the centre of attention of those far off eyes. A smile crossed his face as his own hand reached up to run lightly across the beating chest above him, still his eyes locked onto the circling shape high above him.

His mouth felt hot and dry as he blinked and felt the slight tremor racing thru Connor’s body as his hand moved along the heaving chest. He could feel the heart pounding inside of Connor’s chest, and yet he knew his own heart was beating just as strongly, just as vibrantly and not just to push the blood along his veins, but instead to show its love, its desire and that thought now filled his body, slowly circling the doubting mind, slowly pushing its thoughts aside, so that his passion could rule his entire body.

The sudden touch of his fingertips against the hard rubber like nipple made his heart skip a beat and he caught his breath for an instant, as a wild and warm pulse of energy just flashed between the two of them. He felt it rock his very soul and his smile grew wider as he realized that Connor was his, and that no other man would ever know the joy or tenderness that he did when with Connor. It was an awesome thought that simply overwhelmed his mind and the final capitulation had taken place, and all from the touch of his finger against the shaking nipple of his lover.

Connor’s body rocked as Bruce touched him, he felt the energy flowing thru his veins and his eyes became glazed as he found himself swooping down. His face growing closer with his eyes locked on Bruce’s standing figure, the wind blowing gently around them as his lips brushed up against Bruce’s mouth. The fire suddenly burst forth, engulfing them both and Connor now leaned hard onto Bruce’s prone body, his whole body covered by the excited and lively flesh of Connor’s body.

Bruce had never felt such a fire before, the heat came roaring up from deep within him and yet while it was scorching hot nothing burned, nothing melted and yet he could feel its heat, feel its power and intensity rising with each breath he took, with each pounding beat of his and Connor’s heart. He shook as the power of his desire came to the forefront and his arms wrapped around the heaving body on top of his own. He held him tight as the image of two men holding hands in a rocking chair filled his mind and once more the smile on his face grew wider as his lips opened and he tasted the sweet taste of his lover.

The kiss took forever but yet was only for a fleeting second in the time they would have together. They tasted deeply of each other, feeling the other’s inside mouth as if it had never been opened to them before. His tongue licked and caressed the roof of Connor’s mouth, while Connor’s tongue rested and felt the wild beat of Bruce’s heart thru the throbbing pulse of Bruce’s tongue. IT made them both shake and shiver and their arms held even tighter, squeezing the two bodies closer until the fires finally achieved its goal and they began to slowly melt into each other.

The passions rose higher with each flick of their tongues, with each roaring beat of their hearts and nothing man made could ever come between the power of their love as their bodies began to shake and twist to the dancing lashes of the fires from within their souls. Their bodies no longer were masters of their feelings; instead they became slaves to the raging inferno of passion that now covered them both. 

Rivers of sweat rolled down both heaving bodies as they twisted and turned on the bed. The springs creaked and groaned as they were pushed and prodded by the heavy weight of two men wrapped in the arms of love. The power rose higher as the room seemed to suddenly smoke, filling with light blue-tinged wisps that swirled and floated aimlessly through the entire room.

They twisted and rolled back and forth on the bed. One time Bruce was on top, then it was Connor, and yet deep inside of both, they could feel the strange glowing fires that were breaking forth. The room smoked with their desire for each other and with gasps, short panting sounds, the two bodies finally reached a point where they both stopped and stared into each other’s eyes. 

Just as the rivers of sweat flowed down both bodies, Bruce could see the auburn eyes of his lover melting, forming their own deep flowing stream of love and he knew in his heart that this was who he wanted, who he wanted to spend eternity with and he closed his own eyes, as he felt the bed shake, his legs slowly moving apart, letting Connor’s body sink down into between the sweating trembling limbs that waited for that single moment, that instant when he would feel whole again.

Connor could feel the love reaching up for him and his panting breath blew across Bruce’s heaving body like a night wind coming down a mountain valley. It’s power gradually filling the valley with its cooling breath and yet still the heat rose up from the floor to make the cooling breeze twist and turn. His own heart was beating wildly, his pulse racing as his sweat dripped down onto the waiting body beneath him and his own eyes were glazed, his vision clouded by the steam rising up from the heated earth beneath him, from his earth, the centre of his universe, and as that thought filled his mind, he felt the touch of a hand gently rolling a condom down his thick 7 ¾ inch long penis.

The fog cleared and he saw on next to him the majestic flight of an eagle, its wings spread far apart from coast to coast it seemed, as it filled the night’s sky with its length and he smiled because it knew it was his love, his true love that was beside him as he tilted his head down and lowered himself, and as he did, he saw the pure white head of the soaring eagle also lower and together they dove down into the swirling mists of the wind above the long narrow valley beneath them. 

His mouth was open and as his body reached inwards, he felt the hot warm moist cheeks spreading apart for him, the small pink hole like a beacon in the night’s cloak, and he smiled as he felt his body reaching for that beacon of light, that warm signal guiding him back to where he belonged, back to his home. Connor reached down with one hand to push the hard throbbing pole along the steamy valley walls, until it rested tightly against the pink shining hole. 

The mist parted and his auburn eyes stared down into the aqua pools of Bruce’s eyes and his heart roared and his breath was taken away as the power of Bruce’s desire for him reached up and grabbed him in mid flight. His eyes sparkled now as his head came crushing down onto the wet moist lips and he felt the fire surge upwards; engulfing him and Bruce in one wild dance of passion. His body shook as he felt his hips fling down and in, the hard cry from Bruce echoed in the room as Bruce’s body received the thick pulsing power of Connor’s passion.

His own shout bounced off the steaming walls of the room and he could feel their passions reaching for each other. He could feel the strong sinews of their love slowly joining together to form a link that nothing could break. He could feel them stretch and then slowly fold back together, becoming thicker and stronger as his body shook and shivered with each push, each thrust of his hips or of Bruce’s. He felt the slow steady beat of his throbbing pole become a raging battering ram as the bonds of their love grew larger, grew hotter, and grew stronger. Each wild thrust forging a new bond, a thicker bond and his mind was blank as the love he had for Bruce filled his entire body.

Bruce felt the hard thundering pulse of Connor’s love as it dove deep into his body. He felt the muscles stretching and letting the hard 2-inch thick pole push through and into him. He felt every inch of the long 7 ¾ inch pole as it rushed into his body, his own muscles eager to hold the long pole and his insides guiding the huge monster pole deep inwards, letting it pass unimpeded as his heart thundered and shook to the hard press that now filled him from the inside out.

Bruce could feel each drop of sweat that hit his body and yet it wasn’t like it was sweat, but more like it was Connor’s own love hitting him, gently pressing onto his flesh and then slowly being soaked up and filling his insides with its power. He shook and felt his muscles tremble as the power continued to rise deep inside of him and he began to cry, tears of pure joy slipped down the corners of his eyes as he felt the deep heavy thrusts of Connor’s love. His body was filled and yet he wanted more, his hands reaching up to hold onto the heaving shoulders of his lover and he yanked, pulling Connor down, willing him to go faster and harder.

He couldn’t help it, he needed to have all of Connor inside of him, he pressed his legs further apart, ignoring the pain around his groin where his legs joined his torso, as he struggled to open his body wider, to take more of Connor into him, and yet he knew it would never be wide enough, but still he tried. He cried now, screaming out his love for Connor as his own 7 ½ inch long pole rubbed up and down his shaking body, wedged between the two flat stomachs as they heaved and strove to become one.

The roar in his ears was unlike anything he had ever heard before. It had the insane shriek of someone gone mad and yet it wasn’t that at all, and he realized it was his own voice, screaming for more, demanding all of Connor and he felt his whole body shaking in a wild spasm of uncontrollable passion. The grip of his hands on Connor’s shoulders made his knuckles wide as his fingers dug into the solid flesh and pressed hard into the strong bone and still he wanted more as he felt the heavy thrust and push of Connor’s cock deep inside of him. He could feel the huge thick head shaking and jerking from side to side and still he wanted more, needing more.

His body was melting under the heat and still he cried for more, his arms now released the hot molten flesh of Connor’s shoulders and his hands banged the sides of their bed in unbridled passion. His head rolled from side to side as his body arched upwards to meet each downward thrust of Connor’s young powerful body. He felt the two large balls slapping up against his hot fleshy cheeks and still he wanted more, still he needed more, his legs spreading apart further, stretching outwards so as to ensnare all of Connor’s love stick.

The sweat no longer dripped from his body, instead it raged down in a steady stream, like a river suddenly swamped by the melting flow from a thick snowcap. It roared down his forehead and poured down onto the steamy flesh of Bruce’s body and he shook his head, streams of his sweat being flung off in all directions. He could hear it strike the far walls of the room and his eyes blinked and there was the eagle, racing down faster towards its prey but it wasn’t alone anymore. Rushing at its side was another majestic bird of prey and he could feel the two wing tips touching and he sighed deeply and then with one final heave, he watched as the two eagles flew down, their wings fully extended. Their wide majestic wings touching together as they swooped down from high up in the clouds towards the waiting prey beneath them and Connor felt his body shuddering, felt it reaching upwards, one last thrust to come and his eyes closed as his body rested between the two massive wings, their power and strength holding him as he tilted his head, the rivers of sweat now pouring down and the power in his heart suddenly kicked into a higher gear.

Bruce felt the change and he held his breath. His buttocks suddenly pressed deep down into the bed, the springs protesting loudly and yet he ignored it all as he knew this was the time, this was what he wanted and had been waiting for. His whole body suddenly grew tense, every nerve, every muscles coiled and waited as he felt the long thick pole slowly extract itself to where only the shaking thick fiery head rested inside of his body.

His eyes opened wide as he stared up into Connor’s stretched face. He felt the sweat rolling down his heaving chest as he stared up into the glazed look and he could feel the power, feel the love as it held them both suspended in time for this second. Everything else was blocked out as he looked deep into Connor’s soul and found the love that he so desperately needed and in that second, that instant frozen forever in the recess of his mind, he knew that he was loved.

A thousand and one scenes flashed across his eyes as he stared down into the widening orbs of Bruce’s eyes. He could see so many different things, each of them clear and vibrant and in them all, he was there, his hand locked in Bruce’s own hand and he knew that eternity was not long enough for him to show his love for Bruce. His body trembled and shook as it slowly began to thrust downwards, but it gathered speed like a run away train and he felt the ground rising up to meet him as his two eagles flew down faster and faster as gravity took hold and they angled their dive steeper and he felt the ground rising up to meet him and he closed his eyes as he waited for the impact of their collision.

The sudden rush was too much for him and he felt the tremendous power as the huge cock came crashing down into his body. His own limbs suddenly were numb from the pain and his whole body was twisting and rising upwards as he felt the fire in his soul suddenly break free. His body no longer able to contain his passion and with one loud strident call to the heavens he felt the sudden streaming jet of his cum as it flooded out from the thundering head of his own cock.

Huge streaming jets of his milk splattered across his and Connor’s chest as his body arched upwards, to meet the thundering crush of Connor’s final thrust into his body. The hot cream barely had time to spread out on his own body as he felt the crushing weight of Connor’s body on his, squeezing his own fresh spilled seed out as his thick thundering stick dug deep into his quaking body. His muscles were pushed aside as if they didn’t even exist as the thick cock dug deep inside, reaching for the very back of Bruce’s throat, coming from the inside out and he cried out in pure pleasure now, his hands reaching for and tearing at the sweat sodden sheets beneath his shaking body.

Connor couldn’t breath, and the wild beat of his heart was so fast that he was on the verge of passing out from the strain of the wild beating organ. His whole body shook and trembled as if a huge volcano had suddenly erupted deep within his own mortal body. He felt the rush as his balls slapped hard into Bruce’s cheeks, the sound echoing loudly in the room that was already filled with a myriad of cries and shrieks of joy. His whole body collapsed as his 2 inch thick penis began to shake and jerk from side to side.

The thin plastic condom was suddenly inundated with a raging torrent of his milk, the thin plastic stretched almost to breaking point by the heavy stream of love that now came rushing out from his body. Along every inch of his pole he felt the vein thicken and the blood boil as his penis jerked from side to side. The huge pole grew even thicker as it released Connor’s cream and the heavy thick sweet milk flowed and coated the hot steamy flesh as it rolled backwards, the thin plastic holding it in, but he could tell that Bruce was feeling it, the way the muscles groaned and stretched but refused to relinquish its hold on his thundering stick of love.

He cried, the tears joining the rivers of sweat that continued to pour from every opening in his flesh. He could feel himself sticking to the hot seared flesh of his lover and he could see the images now, the flashes of a future where pain rested, where anger lived, and yet he could see him and Bruce walking through it all, together, untouched and unharm