Believing What Could Be True.

Chapter 18

He stood looking out the window, seeing the flashing lights and yet not. Every part of his body felt dead, lifeless even as he just stared at the darkness around him. The room was dark as he stood there, feeling as if his entire world had just ended. Nothing had made sense as he struggled with the pain that was tearing his heart into shreds. Nothing mattered as he stood there, alone.

With a deep sigh he moved his head away from the city to stare at the tiny apartment. He saw the silver frame photograph of Terry and his brother Paul taken when they were kids. The ocean glimmered in the background as two fresh faced kids mugged for the camera. Ashley could see the closeness they had for each other, feeling the pang of loss reaching towards his waking thoughts.

Nothing really mattered he thought as he stared at the empty sofa. How many times in their brief time together had they sat there, holding each other just enjoying being together? He couldn’t remember but it didn’t matter now, because they would never have that again. It was all gone, taken away because he had given in, had failed to trust in his love for Terry.

It was his fault that Terry had left him. If only he had been stronger, had denied the voice of the old man, had ignored the painted images that somehow tricked him, somehow weakened his resolve. Ashley’s eyes grew moist as he realized how he had failed Terry, had let him down all because he was afraid.

Maybe it would have been like those images, maybe the pain would have been like that but at least they would still be together, at least he could try and share that with Terry. He knew that he would have gladly traded places, would do whatever it took to look after him, so why didn’t he fight harder? Why had he surrendered to the fear of a lifetime of nursing Terry? How selfish could he be? It wasn’t right, Terry had taken him in, had loved him and he had repaid that love by abandoning him when Terry needed him the most. It was his fault as he moved aimlessly around the living room.

His hand would touch a part of the sofa remembering some incident they had shared. He would touch the little table where they would sit to have dinner. Every part of the room held memories for him that made his heart only hurt more. The tears were rolling down his face as he stood at the doorway, looking into their bedroom.

There they had shared each other, joined together in love that he never thought would end. But now, now it was over with and he had nothing left. There would be no wild passionate love making that would get the old fart upstairs pounding on the floor to make them shut up. There would be no laughing giggles as they listened to the stomping feet of their angry neighbour. No more empty bottles of cream laying on the floor after a night of love.

It was all over for him simply because he had been frightened. His body sagged as he walked past the bedroom, unable to cross its threshold. The pain of recalling all that had happened inside that room was too strong. His heart cried out for Terry but there was no answer, no reply. It was all over and his fault. No one else to blame, not the Doctor or even Paul. It was him that had failed Terry.

Moving around the room again, the feeling growing on him of his failure as a lover made him tremble. His legs felt like lead weights as he stumbled around the room, looking at every inch, seeing what they had shared in each spot. There by the end chair where Terry had held him, reading the paper while he had sat on his lap. The feeling of Terry’s erection pressing upwards fresh in his mind as if it had only been a few minutes ago. All that was lost to him now as he stared at the empty chair.

There was so much he wished he had told Terry when he had the chance. So much he wished he could have done instead of putting it off. Now he’d never be able to tell him, never do the things he should have done. He felt the pain more now as he stood there, letting the darkness surround him. Everything that had one wrong was suddenly there, facing him now.

His heart stuttered as he felt the shame of his thoughts, felt the regrets filling his soul with his failures. If only he had known then, but he hadn’t. Still it didn’t matter as he knew he should have known, should have put those selfish needs aside. Maybe if he had, Terry wouldn’t be gone now. Maybe if he had tried harder he wouldn’t have been so frightened by the prospect of looking after Terry, of fighting for the rest of his life for him.

It’s over

No, it doesn’t have to be.

Yes, yes it is

How can you say that? Christ you aren’t even 20 yet.

Does that matter?

Sure it does, you have years ahead of you.

Like Terry had?

That’s different.

Is it?

Of course it is, things happen, that’s life

You can have it then, I don’t want it.

You don’t mean that

Yes I do

Why? I know you are hurting now, but come on, there is always tomorrow.

So? What difference does that make? Tomorrow or the next day, won’t be any different than now.

It could be, you just, well you just have to give it time, right now is tough, but it does get better.

Does it? Says who?

It does, you know that. Look, remember how you felt after your mother died?

Yeah

It got better?

Did it? I seem to remember that I had to leave home because my new step mom was a bitch. Somehow that doesn’t strike me as things getting better.

Yeah but it brought you here where you met Terry

And now that is taken away too, no things don’t get better, not for long anyhow.

But that’s life, you can’t just expect everything to be rosy.

I don’t, but we hardly had any time together, now he’s gone, just like how it was with Mom. She was taken, and now Terry. It just… it just hurts too much.

Still you had some time together, you have memories.

Not enough, I needed more, I can’t do this again, there never will be anyone like him, not for me.

You don’t know that

Yes I do, I know it as sure as I know my own name. There never will be another.

Come on, that’s foolish. You are young, not bad looking, you’ll find someone else, just be patient.

No, I won’t and you know, I don’t want to even. I had it all, but I let him down, I wasn’t strong enough.

That’s not true.

Yes it is.

No, what you did, took guts. Not many could do what you did.

Guts? I was a coward, I got frightened by some stupid dream. I shouldn’t have listened.

Course you should have, it is what he wanted, you know that. He wouldn’t have asked if he hadn’t wanted that.

Then he didn’t love me

How can you even think that? Course he loved you

No, not if he wanted to leave me.

He didn’t want to leave you, he wanted you to be free, to not have to be in pain looking after him.

That wouldn’t be pain, that would be life. If he loved me he’d know that.

He did love you, stop that shit. You know he did and you know that he only wanted to go for you, not for himself. He didn’t want to see you miserable every day, tied down to look after him.

At least I’d be with him.

But you are now too, he’s inside you, just as he always was.

No, no I can’t feel him now, it is like when he left, he took that too.

It is there, you are just in pain now, but it’ll come back.

Just like it’ll not hurt so much after awhile?

Yes

That’s a joke, you know it. It never goes away, the pain, the loss.

Yes it does.

No, no it doesn’t. I still miss my mom, it still hurts the same and feels the same.

It hurts the same, but at least you can cope with it now, just as you will in time cope with not having Terry here.

No, I can’t. It is what made me alive, made me able to get past all that shit with my Mom, my dad and step family. No, this won’t pass.

Then what? You know Terry is waiting for you, you’ll be back with him in time.

No, no there isn’t any more time. I can’t wait for that, I won’t wait for that.

Come on, that isn’t the answer.

Why not?

Because, life is precious, look at how Terry hung on, you can do the same

No I can’t, and its not the same. He hung on for me, until I let him go, until I caved in. Life isn’t precious, its life. Nothing more.

You don’t believe that.

I do, I really do.

Would Terry agree?

Maybe, he sort of would.

Sort of? Come on you know how he felt about life, he wouldn’t want you to miss out on it, even now he wouldn’t.

There is nothing to miss out on, now that he’s gone

He had to go Ashley, you know that.

Yes, yes I do.

Then you know you can’t stop living, you have to go on too.

I know

So we are good?

No, no we aren’t. I promised him I’d never leave him.

You haven’t.

Yes, yes I have, but I know how to change that.

Ashley, that isn’t the answer.

No? Maybe not but at least I’ll know if he still loves me.

How? How will that tell you anything?

Easy, he’ll be there, on that island with the dolphins and the sun, that’s how.

You can’t be serious? Come on Ashley, that’s not an answer.

Sure it is, he wanted me to let him go, I did. Now it’s his turn, to let me come to him where he is.

What if he isn’t ready yet?

Then I’ll wait there, until he is

How do you know you can?

I don’t, but the old guy said it was our place, so why couldn’t I?

Yes, your place for when it is time, not just for when you want.

Terry wanted it, he got it. I just need to go there, to find him and be with him now, not later. There is no later, no reason not to go now.

You don’t know that, you might meet someone else.

I don’t want to meet someone else, Terry is all I want.

But its wrong, what you are thinking of doing is wrong.

Wrong? Its about choices isn’t it? How can it be wrong? He made his choice, I am making mine. How is that wrong?

He was hurting Ashley, there is a difference.

Hurting? Yeah I suppose he was, but so am I.

That isn’t the same, you are missing him, but your body isn’t damaged, your heart still works, your mind still reasons, your kidney work.

So?

So it isn’t the same. Terry was in pain, his body was in pieces really, it isn’t the same Ashley.

No, not the same and yet it is. So what if my body isn’t bruised and all cut up? My insides still ache the same, they still scream in agony. So no, it isn’t the same but it is, where it counts.

HE wouldn’t approve Ashley.

Screw HIM then, I don’t care whether HE approves or not. HE didn’t help Terry, HE didn’t stop Terry from leaving me, so screw HIM.

That isn’t going to help Ashley.

I don’t care, I just need to be with Terry, that is all that matters.

Okay, so maybe that is true, but pissing HIM off isn’t going to get you there.

I don’t need HIS help, Terry will bring me there. No matter what, Terry won’t let anyone stop me.

Terry doesn’t want you to come now either, you know that.

Do I? No I don’t think I do know that. I do know that this hurts too much, that there is nothing out there for me now, that it is all gone here. He’ll understand that.

And if he doesn’t?

Doesn’t matter, I’ll be there then. At least I’ll have that.

Will that be enough for eternity?

Yes

And what about Paul?

What about him?

He’ll blame himself, just as you are doing now.

Maybe, but it won’t be the same.

Oh? Why not?

He has Rob.

Yes so?

I have no one.

He could hear the surf’s roar but he couldn’t see anything. The darkness still surrounded him but his heart was beating stronger now. He knew he was close, that even if he couldn’t see, he was getting there. A deep sigh escaped his lips as he felt the growing warmth in his soul.

The cold had been the worse but somehow it didn’t matter as he felt himself going to where he wanted. The pain seemed dull inside as his body no longer shuddered from his loss. Instead a sense of excitement was gradually growing in his whole body as he leaned forward, desperate for that first glimpse.

Ashley felt no regret at his decision. Even the wild screaming thunder that had assaulted him or the wicked blowing winds that had swirled all around him, plummeting his body hadn’t daunted him one bit. He had felt the disappointment that surrounded him but deep in his soul he also felt the stirring flickers of his love and Terry’s love.

As loudly as the wind howled at him to return, as hard as the noise tried to deny him any advance, the love within kept him going on. The trembling of his legs didn’t stop him just as the growing disappointment around him wasn’t able to sway him. He felt sad at that, but kept his head up and pointed towards the horizon, battling the raging storm. He needed Terry and he wouldn’t stop till he had found him again, had felt his arms encircle him and hold him.

Nothing else mattered to him as he pushed forward, the vision of Terry on the beach, of the blue glistening waters with the Dolphins swimming around laughing kept him going. The press on his chest didn’t deter him or halt his advance either. Nothing was going to set him back this time. His own determination was a surprise to him as well as to the clamouring forces in front of him. Even the lack of a guide failed to impede his stride.

He knew he was a disappointment to HIM, but he couldn’t help it. He loved Terry and that was all that mattered to him. Ashley couldn’t accept or allow anything to detract him as it was the only thing that had ever made him feel whole. To be with Terry, under any circumstances was enough for him, and eventually the winds died down, the cold eased up as he pushed forward, towards Terry. His heart grew lighter as he felt the love inside growing. It was what had given him the strength.

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The darkness around him was thinning. He could begin to see slightly more as his heart beat with his new found strength. It was as if he knew it would be this way. His cares, worries, were suddenly no longer weighing him down and he moved forward, eager almost to embrace once more that which he loved about life itself. Terry.

It didn’t seem to bother him that around him the wind swirled or tore at his aching limbs. Everything was slowly focusing on Terry and reaching him. Nothing else seemed to matter and he could no longer hear the roar of doubts in his head.

A brief clearing showed him his destination was there. The tall trees were nearly visible and the sounds of the dolphins helped contain the terror that was like some dark figure tearing at him. Nothing seemed as terrible now as his mind was no longer chastising him. His heart no longer seemed to be willing to burst as his love filled him and made him stronger. His push forward was no longer impeded by the winds of despair. It was all going like he had thought as he reached out, willing himself to go faster, to reach his final destination sooner.

Inside he knew it wasn’t right, to feel this happy about what he had done, but in all honesty he knew this was his only recourse. No one would really miss him, and those who would, well it wouldn’t be for long. They had their own lives to go on with, and he had never been really a part of it.

Sure Terry had, and they had accepted him because Terry had. It really was that simple for him, yet as complicated. He would miss his father, but even he would soon forget, after time. It wasn’t like he’d mourn him because She wouldn’t let him. As for her, well she’d probably be feeling relief at his going. After all he wasn’t hers, just a reminder of what she could never be.

The more he reflected on it, the more certain he was that he had done the right thing. Least for him he thought, knowing that Paul would be better off without him around. Least he wouldn’t have to deal with his accusations or the reminder of what he had, that Paul would never have, with Terry.

Okay maybe that wasn’t fair, but he loved Terry, and while he knew that Paul had done the right thing for Terry, it didn’t make him feel any less angry. Strange, he kind of thought that would all end, those feelings of anger, of doubt, and yet as he moved closer to the island, they seemed to be all around him. He couldn’t figure it out, because he had always believed that that stuff would just pass away once he had crossed over.

Maybe those teachers in Sunday School were all wrong. After all no Angel had shown up to ease his passing or to help guide him forwards. Then too, it wasn’t like he had let things happen naturally or according to some plan. The teachers had always talked about that plan, though none of them ever seemed to know just what it was. He suspected it was simple a way to pass off all the crap that went on.

Always they had warned of going against HIS will, HIS plan, but then they never seemed to be able to tell him exactly what that plan or will was. Oh sure they quoted some text but it never really made much sense to him. He knew though in his heart that he couldn’t survive without Terry, so he really had only one choice, to follow and to be with him. No matter the price.

The notion that somehow Terry wouldn’t be there didn’t even register. He just had to be, and as the darkness dissipated, he could feel it in his heart. Looking down he saw the white skin of his body, shorn of clothing but his still. There was no transformation that he had expected or maybe he just hadn’t finished the transition. It was all so different and at first had been scary, but now all he could think of was of holding Terry next to him, of feeling him inside where it all really mattered.

He didn’t care what form it all took, just so that he would know Terry again, and he him. It was what had made him take this risk, this gamble. All the voices had been stilled now as he came closer. The dolphins seemed quiet too as he saw the golden sand, the empty beach where he and Terry had lain not all that long ago. Or maybe it had been?

Time was non existent or so it seemed. He had no idea whether it would be like back there, back where hatred lived and flourished. He felt the tears on his cheeks as he couldn’t see Terry ahead, just the empty beach. But then maybe Terry didn’t know he was coming. Maybe he was off swimming, waiting for him in their spot? That could be as he finally came to the inlet, the dolphins on either side, their heads up out of the water, watching him, silently giving him strength.

He had arrived, or so he thought. It looked no different to his eyes as he touched the warm sand. His toes curled into the grainy land and his heart seemed to tremble a bit. He glanced to either side as he felt the silence. Nothing seemed to be moving, no sounds seemed to penetrate the air. It lay heavy on his body too, yet he could smell the perfume of the flowers wafting all around him. There was a small breeze as he moved tentatively forward.

It was an eerie feeling. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe this wasn’t the right place, but as he looked around he knew it was the right place. The huge palm tree over to one side was the first place he and Terry had made out after the attack. It was the same spot but there was no Terry there. His heart shivered as he wondered if maybe this was his punishment for defying HIM?

Was he doomed to wait here, to wait without Terry? A coldness suddenly filled his shaking body as panic gripped at his heart. He didn’t know what to do, he was feeling lost as he tried to cry out, to yell for Terry but nothing would come from his mouth. Everything seemed the same with the one glaring exception. Where was he? Had he not reached here yet?

Could it be that Terry had not gone ahead, that maybe he had somehow been directed elsewhere? Could HE be that cruel, that mean? He felt the anger welling up inside but it passed quickly. Ashley knew that HE wouldn’t be that way, HE just couldn’t be that way. It wasn’t like he had some vision or anything, but it was like his love for Terry. No matter what it seemed like, no way could HE be what those others said. No way was he a GOD of hate, or vengeance. He was the Father and no Father would turn his back on his child, no matter what. Yet, where was Terry? Why wasn’t he here? It made him nervous and doubts still seemed to swirl around him as he walked forlorn along the beach.

His head hung low as he trudged along the sand. His heart was heavy. What he had done was wrong, but he loved Terry. He couldn’t abandon that love, not for anyone or anything. If it meant he would have to wait, to be denied the pleasure for the moment, he would gladly pay that price. Deep down he knew it wouldn’t be forever. Deep down he knew that he would have to pay some price for being disobedient, but he was prepared to pay whatever that price was. He loved Terry and he would not be denied.

If he wasn’t here yet, he’d wait. After all he had all of eternity to have what he had come for. So it wasn’t instant, he would accept that, not like it but he’d accept it. After all he knew that nothing came cheap, nothing came without consequences so if it meant waiting, he’d wait. The tears fell down his cheeks as he cried out, calling for Terry and he fell to his knees, dejected but still determined.

“I am sorry, I am, oh God I am so sorry, but I love him, I couldn’t have stayed there without him, I am sorry but you know that, you know I love him, I had to do this, I had to come here. I am sorry, I really am but I love him, I need him more than I needed anything else.”

Over and over again he called out, crying and sobbing as he realized, he was all alone. He felt frightened but he refused to surrender. No matter how hard he shook with the tears, the sobs of dismay, he knew that at some point Terry would come to him, would find him. He knew it and yet he still cried, knowing he had been wrong.

The touch of a hand on his shuddering shoulder startled him and he turned his head upwards to stare at the old man that now stood by his side. He wiped the rolling tears from his eyes as he looked into the warm eyes that stared back at him. He could feel the love and he looked deeper within them.

Ashley saw Paul and the tears in his eyes. More than that he could see the pain, the sorrow as he was staring down at Ashley’s own lifeless body. He reeled back at the vision but he couldn’t break the contact with the old man. He couldn’t stop from seeing the waves of pain ravaging Paul’s body or how Rob stood by his side, his face ashen. He couldn’t bear to see it all, and yet he couldn’t turn away. He had to look and he saw the pain, the growing sorrow that filled his friends.

He could see the anguish in the Doctor’s face too. He had been a stranger but he had done all he could for Terry. He had let him stay with him when others wouldn’t. He saw the sadness too in Carl and some of the others he barely knew. Ashley could actually feel it in his own heart as he stared deeper, knowing now that his passing would not be quickly forgotten.

Somehow he had touched them more than he knew and it made him regret his decision. He felt the sorrow for his actions but even now he still felt he had no other choice. He loved Terry and as he looked into the old man’s eyes, he searched for Terry. His heart trembled as he saw the lifeless body, the tubes being slowly removed, the monitors no longer making noise. He felt the pain that Terry had felt. It came to him as he looked into the old man’s eyes.

He cried out and finally the spell was broken. His body heaved and he felt the pain lancing up and through his whole body. He shook with the pain and didn’t think it would ever end as it came to him wave after wave. Every stab, every ache was rolling inside and he fell to the ground in agony. It hurt more than he believed possible, yet even as he rolled in the sand, he felt his love for Terry holding him, cradling his pain wracked body.

It was all that was holding him too. He knew that Terry would come to him, maybe not this instant, but that despite the pain, the grief, the sorrow, Terry would make it through to him. It was all he had and just as the pain had suddenly came to him, it now left. He was suddenly on all fours. His hands and knees embedded into the soft golden sand. His breath was ragged and he felt the exhaustion of his mind as it tried to recover from all it had seen from the old man’s eyes.

His body continued to heave as he struggled to regain his composure. The love he had felt for Terry was still there, still burning deep within and it was like all the doubts, all the misgivings, were vanquished. He no longer felt afraid. He knew that his love was real. He knew too that Terry understood, as did the old man. The tears dried up as he sat back up. His eyes were no longer clouded but the old man was gone. He no longer stood at his side. For one brief moment he felt alone but that passed. He was no longer afraid, knowing he was not alone despite what he had done. He was still HIS child and he breathed the scented air in. It no longer lay heavy on him as he stared out at the blue water of the lagoon.

The dolphins had come in and he smiled. They were standing up and looking at him, their heads nodding at him as if to confirm what he was feeling. He smiled, the first time since he had left the cold hospital room. For the first time he no longer felt the pain of seeing Terry’s lifeless body stretched out and the emptiness that had filled him.

 

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