Unconditional Love as told in Fiction.

Chapter 17

He was certain that Terry’s hand felt warmer. There was still life beating inside and he knew in his heart that given time, it would all work out. Terry had promised him which was all he needed to know.

The orderly was suddenly hovering over him and he lost contact with Terry. The two men didn’t smile or even speak to him, as the Nurse finally told him that they were taking Terry to surgery. All the tubes and machines were suddenly packed around his lover and as he watched them take him away a strange hollow feeling came to him.

In his mind he felt confusion and doubt and even in his heart he could feel a sort of foreboding that made his body tremble a little. He knew they would be doing it but seeing him moved away in such a crisp almost automated motion made him wince inside. He felt suddenly disconnected and a darkness began to grow inside. His legs felt weak as he stood there, just staring now at nothing. People passed by but they didn’t look at him, merely a furtive glance as if he was suddenly becoming invisible to them.

Ashley felt a chill inside as his soul struggled to keep him hopeful. He wasn’t sure what was happening as he tried to once more reach out for Terry but all he could feel was the harsh deep pain that had stood between him and Terry before. Now it seemed like it had doubled or even tripled in strength and he felt frightened by it. Tears rolled down his face as he just stood there, alone and scared.

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Rob had stayed out of the way, alone in his own living nightmare from hell. He still felt like he had somehow betrayed Paul and the more he heard about Terry’s condition the worse he felt. He should have told him last night but he hadn’t. Now Paul was forced to deal with maybe never being able to talk or get to know Terry and it was all his doing. If only he had the courage to have spoken up the second he recognized Terry in the picture. But then that really was the story of his life, wasn’t it? If only…

His eyes were dark as he watched the way Paul had moved past the waiting area. He had barely glanced in and then it was only to look at Ashley. In some way he had expected more but then he knew why Paul couldn’t bare to look at him. He had failed when it mattered most. How could he ever hope to have anyone love him or care for him if he kept fucking up this way?

It had been bad enough before but ever since meeting Paul he had felt a sense of hope, a sense of maybe this time having something work. That all lay in ruins now as he sat there, wishing Paul had not found him on the swimming platform. It would have been so much better if he had simply stayed there, eventually passing out of people’s memories.

He knew in his heart that if he could he would simply go back to that place, to let the end come as it should have that day. Still the voices inside made him wait, knowing that right now he couldn’t do that. Somehow he had to find a way to first make it right for Paul, to at least try to get him through this. If it was to be a pole for Paul to vent on then that is what he would be. Paul needed to be strong, to deal with Terry and all that so if it helped to have someone to rail against, to yell at and hate then better it be him. After all he deserved it. Maybe this way he could at least make some amends for his cowardly actions.

You okay Rob?

Rob turned to look at Carl. They had barely spoken but he saw a look of understanding that helped quell the pain inside.

Yeah, I suppose so.

You had no way of knowing Rob, you can’t blame yourself.

Can’t I?

Carl wasn’t sure why, but he could tell that it was important to make Rob understand. So much could be at stake. He had seen it all too often. The blame, recriminations, regrets. Somehow he had to convince Rob that it wasn’t all blackness, but how? He himself felt abandoned, empty and all alone. His faith had stood the test for a long time but it was weak now. Too many deaths, to many disappointments had worn away at his faith and trust in God. What was left but the people around him?

No, you can’t. Paul needs you Rob, can’t you see that?

Needs me? No he needs someone who isn’t a coward, who can give him what he deserves Carl, kind of obvious that I can’t do that.

So you say, but give it time, he’ll come around if you just give it time.

Time? No there is no more time.

Rob, listen to me. There is enough pain and quilt to go around twice over, you aren’t to blame for any of this.

I could have told him Carl, if I had maybe he’d be talking to Terry right now instead of signing surgery papers. I might have been able to prevent all this… instead I ran, I always do, you know that.

Do I? I don’t know Rob, you are here aren’t you? You went to him instead of letting a cop go and tell him. Think about it for a second, I mean what you did took courage, guts even. It had to have been the hardest thing you ever have done and you chose to do it, no one forced you to, so did you run?

He really wanted to believe Carl but he couldn’t. Sure he chose to tell Paul but not from some noble thought. He just couldn’t bare having Paul be told the news by some stranger. Least this way Paul would know who to blame, who to hate.

That’s your religious background talking Carl, but if I had told Paul as soon as I saw the picture this might not have happened.

It would have Rob, maybe not to Terry but sure as hell to someone, all you would have done is traded Terry for someone else’s brother or lover.

You don’t know that.

No, just as you don’t know that by telling Paul yesterday that it would have changed anything either.

Next you going to tell me its all part of some unexplained scheme or divine plan, well I don’t buy that shit, I fucked up, it is that simple.

Divine plan? I don’t know, if it is then I am not so sure I want to or can believe in a God that plans this kind of shit. That scares me more than anything, to think some Supreme Entity could come up with this crap for what he calls his children. Christ if that is how a God of love acts you can have him, I couldn’t believe in that. Look, you didn’t fuck up. You did what anyone else in your position would have done. Stop beating yourself up over it.

I can’t help it, I never felt this way about someone before, I can’t stand to see him hurting like this and know that I at least helped to make him feel this way.

How? By not speaking up that second? Hell Rob he might have not called Terry then, might have waited so you don’t know that it would have changed anything.

He would have called him, I know that.

‘If Only’ the two words made his blood boil. If only he had insisted on people coming in groups, if only someone had yelled out, if only… always there was those words but it never seemed to happen. Carl felt so alone that he had to look away for a minute or two. What if he had done things differently, would he even be here now? Could anyone but God have stopped this from happening? The emptiness only become more painful as he tried to find his faith, tried to find some way to account for all this.

Do you? He knew Terry was here, you said that and you know Terry knew too. Terry could have called him but didn’t, he wrote him a letter instead of calling him, so maybe this is Terry’s fault. Hell maybe it’s Ashley’s fault, he could have pushed Terry to call instead of write a letter. Or maybe he should have waited for Terry instead of coming down to the bar without him. Where does the blame stop Rob? With Ashley? Terry?

Stop it Carl, how can you say it was Terry’s fault? Shit..

Same way you can take blame for it. We do what we do Rob, you can’t second guess yourself. You’ll go nuts if you do or worse, you’ll never do anything because you are to afraid of making a mistake.

I am not afraid of making mistakes, I know I will, I always do.

No, you don’t Rob. You are a whole lot better than you give yourself credit for.

Yeah right, I am a drunk and a stoner. I can’t even fucking off myself properly. Not much to take credit for is it?

Maybe you weren’t meant to off yourself, maybe there is more to what you think your life is supposed to be, I don’t know but I do know that you care about people. Oh sure you try not to show it, but you care. I saw the tears when you looked at Ashley, I saw the pain you felt when you saw Terry. So don’t pretend like you are worthless, you feel, you care but until you met Paul you hid it better. So no, you aren’t just some drunk, some tweaked out druggie. You were just hiding out is all. Now you have a choice, a tough one too, but you can go and hide like you used to or you can listen to your heart and stick around and try.

For what? To be proven I am right, that I am not worthy of his love?

Maybe it did just come down to chance. Perhaps he had looked at religion from the wrong direction. Was it random or was it divine? All he knew for certain was so many lived with hate in their hearts, others with regrets and fears. The rare one’s like Terry lived in balance. The Terry’s of the world were too few, as they lived enjoying what they had, rarely if ever bitching about the bad things and always enjoying the good. Maybe that was it, maybe man expected something from God that they weren’t supposed to?

Looking at Rob he felt his pain, knowing in his heart that Rob really wasn’t a bad person. For the first time Rob had let himself feel and now here he was, in total pain but he didn’t have to let it end this way. If he could just make Rob see that, maybe then there would be hope, some example to show not Rob, but himself that God did exist, that God really did care.

No, to be proven that you are.

Fat chance.

If you don’t try then you are right, fat chance. Course maybe you really didn’t love him, maybe you don’t want to feel his arms around you? I don’t know, you tell me?

I do… I mean… damn it I don’t know. Yes I do want to feel his arms around me, to have him care for me like I feel for him, but how? How can he after what I did?

If he loves you the way you obviously love him, then that is how.

And if he doesn’t?

Then you at least will have tried and will be better for that. It will hurt, thousand times over maybe but it still won’t hurt one tenth as much as the pain you’ll have for the rest of your life if you don’t try. Take it from me, not knowing is a whole lot worse than knowing.

Maybe… but how? How do I…

By not sitting here. Go, stand next to him and just be there Rob. Just be there, like Ashley is there with Terry, be there for Paul the same way, just there.

I don’t know if I can Carl… what if..

What if nothing. If you love him, care for him like you say, you’ll do it. Do you?

Love him?

Yes.

Rob stared at Carl as the thoughts went racing up and down his mind. Did he love Paul? Was it that or was it something else? He felt the strange patter of his heart and the warm caress from his soul. Did he love Paul or not?

He turned his face to stare at Paul’s hunched over figure. Rob could feel the pain as Paul read the forms and he knew how much he did care. Was it love? He didn’t know but he stood up and walked silently away from Carl towards Paul.

Every nerve in his body was on edge as he came to stand next to Paul. He didn’t say a word as Paul turned his head to look at him and their eyes met. Rob felt the anguish, felt the sorrow but he also felt the relief too. It was such a mixed bag of signals but thru it all Rob could only think about how much he wanted to be here with Paul. Nothing else seemed to matter to him as he just stood there, staring into Paul’s troubled eyes.

I have to go sign some papers.

I’ll go with you.

You will?

If it’s okay.

Why?

I want to.

Paul just looked at Rob without saying a word. At first he had resented him coming up to him, he blamed him for all this but he knew that was wrong. Rob hadn’t sent Terry to help the other guy, he hadn’t made Terry walk down that street at that time but still part of him looked at Rob as being at fault. Then too he knew that if anyone was to blame it was himself. He should have tried to reach Terry, if he had then none of this would have happened but then that was just as wrong.

He wanted to believe, to accept that Rob really did want to be near him. Yet he hesitated and as he did he saw the desire being reflected in Rob’s face. It was almost as if Rob truly did care for him, did really feel for him. Could Terry have been right but then that wasn’t real, or was it?

The nurse seemed impatient and coughed a little. He turned towards her but not until he had simply nodded towards Rob, accepting his offer to tag along. It didn’t make sense but somehow he knew that Terry would want him to not be alone.

As he followed the Nurse away from his brother, he felt less empty, less dead inside and he knew it was from Rob walking beside him. If he had any guts he’d reach out and take Rob’s hand but that strength eluded him still. They walked side by side instead, for now.

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Doctor Collier slumped in his office chair, staring out at the mound of papers that littered his desk. The digital clock continued to flash the hours at him as he sat there, exhausted from the day. He had shifts like this before but never so emotional or draining as this one had been.

They had been forced to take Terry, the beating victim into surgery at around 3am and the effort to reduce the swelling had lasted almost 9 hours. The damage was severe and any hope he had felt before was long since gone. The internal damage had been evident but they had done their best to try. Still despite all the odds Terry lay up in ICU this minute still fighting, still hanging on and he wondered how. The damage said he should have passed away long before now but the heart still beat, activity in the brain while minimal was still there and yet they couldn’t find why.

One kidney had been shown to be damaged and was not likely to ever restart. The other had shut down and they still couldn’t tell if it was viable or not. All of the training, all of the technology and they still couldn’t determine what worked or didn’t or if they ever would. It was still blind man’s bluff in so many ways that Bruce felt like he was nothing more than some ancient witch doctor.

Religion had never been his strong suit either and yet being a doctor he had seen things that had no scientific explanation. Some would say divine intervention but he was never certain such a thing existed. Oh he thought there was a possibility but for him, it was proof that he needed before accepting. Yet Terry was one of those cases that made no sense to him.

How could he still be alive was a mystery but that wasn’t so unusual. What had him and perhaps others perplexed was the other anomalies. Every time Ashley was with him his brain activity seemed stronger and more active, his heart rate even was stronger and he breathed on his own more than not. When his brother had spent time with him the same thing and yet when they were absent it was like only the machines were keeping him alive. Brain activity was virtually immeasurable, breathing was aided by a machine only but all that would change the instant either Ashley or Paul entered the cubicle where he lay. It made no sense but it gave him some hope, though why he wasn’t sure.

If that in itself wasn’t enough to drain him the meeting with the hospital administrator and chief of staff certainly was. Both of them were good men, or so he had thought. Yet both of them wanted him to withdraw his complaint. Neither of them seemed to grasp the seriousness of what lay behind the complaint or perhaps they did? Maybe it really wasn’t that they were homophobic but were too concerned with public relations and the bottom line?

The press was already all over the story of the beating of the two gay men. They had regaled everyone with how two paramedics had refused to help for fear of AIDS and despite the apparent shock at it, the paper seemed willing to grant them that right. It was like they were making the excuses for the two based on an irrational fear that he had seen already here in his own hospital. No one was willing to say it out loud but he knew that given all the precautions risk from infection was greatly exaggerated. Yes it was real but it didn’t preclude treatment, just perhaps more caution but no one seemed to look at it that way.

Already some religious nut was proclaiming that God himself had deemed the fate of those two boys. He claimed that those who had done the deed were merely exacting vengeance on those who had turned their back on God and his commandments. From what he had recalled of Sunday school none of the ten commandments said anything about ‘thou shalt be straight’ or such. Yet some televangelist was already calling it God’s retribution. It scared him to realize that so many existed in his world that actually believed in that evil.

Civic leaders had naturally condemned the beatings but in their inevitable way to spin it in their favour they had also qualified it by saying that there could be more. They had already shown that one of the boys, the one who had already died had been involved in the sex trade. Their was allusion that perhaps the other one was as well and worse, that perhaps they had approached the attackers and so instigated the beatings by soliciting normal straight men. It was as if that made it okay, that by asking them to have sex for money they had given up their right of protection under the law.

He knew that if it had been two women there would no such spin, no such excuses. While many would deem prostitution a sin it somehow was less of a sin than if it was homosexual sex. Bruce felt like an old man as he sat there going over it all and yet even as he felt the despair and anger about it all he still couldn’t quite accept that all were so blinded by their prejudices. One doctor who he had always judged as being homophobic had stopped by and told him how proud he was to know him. It was like a shot from the dark because it came from someone he least expected to support him. The colleague had gone so far as to voice his support in a written note to the Chief of Staff.

In so many ways his hospital was in turmoil but thankfully the lid was still on it. The press hadn’t gotten to them yet as they were in a feeding frenzy about the people who had stood by. So far the reports seemed to go to both sides. Some who had been there expressed regret for not jumping in to help, others had expressed the view that it wasn’t their place. A few had suggested that it was not the right thing but that the two ‘fags’ had gotten what they deserved.

The Police Commissioner had expressed his concern that while he didn’t advocate citizens interceding in such violence that perhaps some could have been quicker to dial 911 and call for help. He also expressed his regret that so many felt that they couldn’t provide a decent description either of the assailants and that without that help he doubted if the perpetrators would ever be brought to justice. Justice? Christ that was a joke he thought as he heard excuse after excuse as to why it was so hard to prosecute these types of crimes.

Lawyers were on all the local stations explaining why you couldn’t call this a hate crime because the circumstances weren’t known. They used the old line of well they were perhaps asking for trouble by flaunting their differences. It appalled him because how did you flaunt being gay? Most gay men he knew were doubly careful in hiding that part of their life. To say that these two young men asked to be beaten by simply walking down a street was ludicrous at best, insane at worst. They didn’t carry a sign saying ‘I am Gay’ nor were they dressed in outlandish garb. Both were in t-shirts, ordinary jackets, and jeans. How did that set them apart from any of those who stood idly by and watched?

Bruce sighed as he stared out at the photograph of Connor and him on his desk. It normally was in his drawer but for some reason, it was one of the first things that he changed when he first got back to his office. It was almost as if he was finally able to acknowledge who he was. He didn’t remove the photo of his mother and father but had added this one. Funny how for so long he had felt that it was easier to hide the one picture that made him smile simply because it might lead to awkward questions. Well to hell with that he thought as he finally made up his mind.

His hand reached out for the phone and he called Connor, telling him briefly what was happening. He recognized the surprise in his lover’s voice but it only made him feel better as he ended the call with a strong, “I love you” that stunned his partner. He had never said it before, least not on the phone when other’s might be around. Then he dialled the inner office number and spoke to the Chief of Staff. It was short and he knew the instant he had put the phone down that his life was irrevocably changed.

The next call he made was also short and sweet but it would set in motion something that he hoped would be for the better. It had surprised the other party but when he agreed to the terms he knew that he taken that final step towards being at peace with himself. The last call had been to Paul Jamison and it was the hardest call of his life. He had spoken passionately and he knew that it was perhaps the least he could do for the man and for his brother.

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 Paul knew in his heart that he done the right thing. It didn’t help the ache in his heart or the emptiness that now filled his soul. His mind could accept the cold reality of it but his emotions were in torment as he tried to come to terms with his actions. The simple signing of a piece of paper had changed him from hero to villain in an instant. Ashley now hated him and he wasn’t sure if maybe Ashley was right.

The call from the Doctor the other evening had been unexpected in one sense, expected in another. Deep down he had known the futility of what he had tried to do and worse he knew that it wasn’t what Terry wanted. He had no explanation for the dream because to call it anything else would force him to accept that God did exist. He couldn’t believe in HIM anymore than he believed in the paranormal or ghosts. Yet it was ghosts that haunted him ever since he accepted the Doctor’s advice.

Every step he took, every time he stared somewhere they were there. He could feel Terry next to him or see him in places he knew Terry had never been. It was like walking with a strange twin that no one but he could see. It felt eerie the whole day but it was real to him. Moments of a past long buried would suddenly be vividly flashing across his vision as he watched his world change and crumble.

The choice had been hard, the procedure simple and yet it tore him apart inside. He had no one to lean on now and his whole future looked bleak and desolate. Terry had been his one anchor, his one hold on hope that was now by the simple flick of a pen doomed to oblivion. It had been the right action his mind told him but then why did he feel so dirty, so empty? If it was right shouldn’t he feel some measure of joy? Shouldn’t he feel some relief? Instead all he felt was utter dejection and regret.

It had been hard to sign the simple paper. It didn’t really say much but its effect had been like the sudden end of the world. The look on Ashley’s face would haunt him as much as the pain would never leave his body. The decision hadn’t been easy, couldn’t Ashley at least see that? It wasn’t true that he didn’t love Terry, he did and that was why he had set him free. No one could understand that except maybe the Doctor, but he was not involved in the same way.

Last night had been a living hell for him. The press had found him at last and worse, it had come after Doctor Collier had made his live telecast on the evening news. Now everyone knew about Terry and yet in some ways he had felt even more isolated, more alone than ever before. Rob had stood by him but it no longer gave him hope. It was out of duty or some sort of penitence rather than anything else or so he thought. He didn’t deserve anything else so why else would Rob be still hanging around?

Ashley had said it all when he had screamed that Paul was simply jealous of Terry. In so many ways it was true too. He had been jealous of Terry, of how he could see what was right and just go do it. He never had been one to hold back how he felt or failed to stand up when he thought something was wrong. It had led to a lot of discipline from his parents and yet Terry never backed off. He held true just as he had that night when he saw two thugs beating up someone. He hadn’t thought about who it might be or what might happen to him, he had simply gone in to help. Now it was all over for him, he had paid the price and so now would Paul and the others.

He had gone to the hospital with Rob shortly after talking with Bruce last night. It hadn’t been a drive he really remembered but he had stood there, listening to the Doctor as he explained the form to him. His mind had kept turning back to the glass room where Terry lay and where Ashley stood guard. He could see how intent Ashley was on staring at Terry and he knew in his heart that he was about to ruin his life further. He didn’t want to hurt him but Doctor Collier was right, it was a choice to make between doing what was best for Terry and what was best for them.

The money wasn’t a consideration to him. The fact that he would force Ashley to endure a possible lifetime of just sitting, holding a lifeless hand was too much for him to do. For himself he would gladly change places with Terry but that just wasn’t possible. He was faced with the choice of holding onto a memory or in finally letting go, hoping that Ashley and the others would eventually come to understand. Rob hadn’t spoken a word but he hadn’t left either. At first it helped but now it only made him feel the pain more.

If it meant getting a place in the city he would have gladly done that. If it meant sitting for hours on end next to a body that lived by machine he would gladly do that but it wasn’t just him. Ashley would never move on with his own life as long as Terry’s heart beat, he would never be all he could be as long as Terry continued to breathe and it made no difference that each beat of Terry’s heart, each breathe he took was with the aid of a machine or not. Paul knew that Terry didn’t want that, not for him and certainly not for Ashley.

He really hadn’t expected Ashley to understand that, nor did he even expect anyone else to understand that this wasn’t about him either but was about Terry. Yes he wanted Terry to live, he wanted to be able to talk to him and to once again share their love. He so desperately wanted that but he knew it wasn’t about him. Terry had told him what he wanted, whether it was a dream or not it was real to Paul.

Slowly he sat on the front of his boat, staring out the breaking dawn that was finally beginning to show. It had been over 36 hours since he had taken Bruce’s call and gone to finally write the last chapter of this part of his and Terry’s life. It hadn’t ended like he had expected either. Already he could just imagine what the headlines would read today. Yesterday’s were bad enough but now, now it would be even more of a media circus as they fed like piranha in a feeding frenzy.

The news yesterday that he had taken Terry off life support had been condemned by some, applauded by others. The right to choose group had offered support while the same religious zealots who had condemned Terry for being a homosexual now condemned him for attempting to play God. There were others who condemned him and the system that forced family to choose between life and death because of money even though that hadn’t even been a consideration. Yet they made it sound like it was, quoting unnamed sources, listing expenses and yet in his heart Paul knew they had their own agendas.

Politicians clucked about the tragedy of it while at the same time pandering to the right saying that people make wrong choices that lead to tragedy. Like Terry chose to be gay? That was a joke and yet so many believed that if only Terry had chosen the right path that all this wouldn’t have happened. How did they even know that what he chose wasn’t the right path? No God had come down to say otherwise, no voice had erupted from the heavens to tell him and his brother that they were committing a sin. So how did these people know what was right or not? Did they get a phone call from God? Were they that blind or self absorbed?

Others of course called it for what it was, hatred born out of fear but they were few and small in numbers. Maybe the majority did believe them but they did nothing about it. They went along with the screaming fanatics or at best ignored them without standing up to them. It was like they thought that by ignoring the hatred that was out there it would go away or at best not touch them. He had thought that, had believed that by being quiet by being invisible that it would never touch him. Terry had believed different and now Paul knew that Terry had been right. You couldn’t escape who you were, you couldn’t hide it forever from everyone.

Eventually the truth would come out and then you were faced with dealing with it. Terry had found Ashley and maybe it hadn’t been for long, but at least he had found him. If he had followed Paul’s lead he might not have found any happiness, just as Paul hadn’t. Least he had that and hiding wouldn’t stop the evil, wouldn’t prevent innocent people like Terry from feeling it. You could run, you could hide but never for long. People didn’t get that and now he did. Now he understood but it was all too late for him.

There would be no morning swims with Terry anymore. There would be no fighting over who got the last piece of pizza or who would get the last soda in the refrigerator. That had been taken from him not by the nameless thugs, but by his own inability to accept who he was. It was his fault. His and no one else’s because he had ran from the truth. He had denied to himself that he was different than most others. He was to blame and now he would have to spend the rest of his life living with that loss.

The lawyers could speak about intent and legal definitions all they wanted to. Newscasters could read off polls and other trite measures to justify the actions of others. The truth was that hatred existed, that evil walked freely on the streets and those who tried to warn, tried to change it were silenced for being idealists. They were labelled liberals or do gooders when all they were were simple people following the wisdom given to them. Call it God if you want he thought, but somehow you knew what was right if you just listened hard enough and looked in the right places.

Doctor Collier had tried to set the record straight. He had done his best and Paul knew it would cost him. He didn’t quite understand why Bruce had done what he did but he was learning. He was finally coming to realize that life couldn’t be lived in a self imposed vacuum. Yet even as he thought about it he knew that he just wanted to up anchor and sail away to some island. He didn’t particularly care for his fellow humans anymore. He had seen too much and felt too much to be fooled anymore.

Paul stood there, staring blankly out to sea as his heart slowly crumbled within. The pain tore into his body but the tears wouldn’t come anymore. It was all over as his body felt each blow, felt each gut wrenching word that wouldn’t leave him alone. It all was there inside, escape useless as he held it tightly to himself. What else had he expected he thought as the torment rose to a shrill cry from his soul. Damned either way he knew, but still it hurt as he relived last night. It would always haunt him, the words and the look but then why shouldn’t it? After all he had failed in his duty to Terry. It was only fitting that he remember.

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MURDERER!

Ashley please…

How could you? Did you hate him that much?

I loved him, as much as you ever could…

Loved him? You were jealous, you hated him because he was better than you.. you are a MURDERER! NOTHING MORE THAN A MURDERER!

That isn’t fair Ashley, you may not…

Fair? Don’t give me that shit, he was your brother, how could you? I believed in you, I thought that you would understand…

I do, more than you know

No you don’t, it was the money wasn’t it? He wasn’t worth it to you…

He was, I loved him Damn It.

You sure showed it didn’t you, murdering him, that is how you show your love? Are you sure you are his brother?

Ashley you are upset, I can understand but…

Upset? Christ you’d think this was just over some trinket, it is Terry we are talking about you murderer, you will always be a murderer to me, nothing else.

I did what I thought was best.

Best? For who? You? Sure as hell not for Terry

Yes it is

No! No It isn’t, he was coming back to me, I know that, you took him away from me.. you are a murderer Paul, you are no different than those assholes that beat him up, you are just like them… only worse..

Don’t say that… This is hard enough without you saying… without you…

Without me what? Telling the truth? You were jealous, now you don’t have to be. You got what you wanted you murderer!

Ashley…

Leave me alone… get out, you don’t belong in here.

He’s my brother Ashley, I…

No, not anymore, you aren’t his brother now, you are just one of them, one of those who hate, get out… GET OUT!

Ashley

LEAVE US ALONE! GET OUT!

He watched as Paul slowly moved away and left the room. He didn’t care that everyone had been watching and listening. Let them he thought as the anger consumed him. How could he do that to his own brother? It only made him angrier as he watched the way some looked at Paul. They had sympathy for him but where was the sympathy for Terry? Why didn’t they care enough for Terry?

Ashley could only feel hate as he glared at Paul’s hunched over back. If he had a gun he would show him, he would have an eye for an eye to avenge this murder, even if the law wouldn’t. Law, what a joke that was he thought as his eyes narrowed and the hatred flowed all around him. No one else was in the glass room now, just him and his love. There was no one but they’d show them, they’d prove them all wrong.

Terry had promised, he wouldn’t break it. Together they’d show Paul just who was stronger, they’d show that quack doctor what real medicine was. Together they would beat this, they didn’t need the machines or the stupid tubes. They would do it together because he had seen it. They would make it, they would find their island and be together to swim with the dolphins, to live without assholes like Paul or that Doctor.

What did they know? They didn’t care, Terry was just some statistic to them, some fag who got what he deserved. That was what they all thought, even that hypocrite Paul. Love? He didn’t know the meaning of love but he and Terry, they knew and they’d show him. Together they would defy their machines, their judgement of what was or wasn’t real. He knew it because he had seen it, he had felt Terry’s hand caress him, had felt the pain and even touched the healing bruises. He knew what they didn’t want to know, that Terry was better than all of them put together. He’s show them, Terry had promised him and they’d show them, all of them.

He turned away from the people and from Paul. His shoulders were erect as he walked towards his lover, to where his body rested and he knew he would show them. Together, that was the key. They had tried to separate them but he wouldn’t let them. He knew, it was together that they would beat this and show them.

Ashley reached out to pick up Terry’s cold lifeless hand. He could feel the faint pulse inside as he clasped the pale hand and brought it to his heart. He held it tightly as his eyes closed and he let his soul reach out. No one, not Paul, Carl, the Doctor or even God himself would come between him and his love. He felt the tears rolling down his face but he held on even tighter now. His will rose up as he felt the pain coming for him. He could see it through his clenched eyelids, see the ugliness of it as it came rushing towards him but he stood erect, waiting for it, welcoming it even.

He could feel it strike his body and he staggered a little under its tremendous force but he held on. He refused to let go as the harsh pain swirled around him, tugging at his body and at his heart but he refused to give in. Come and get it he shouted to the growing darkness, come and try because I am ready, you can’t have him, he’s promised me and I wont let you. Come on, try… you can’t have him. The words were shouted and yet he knew only he could hear, only he and Terry and HIM.

The anger inside continued to fight, continued to fuel his spirit as he waged his war. The pain was immense and yet all he felt was the memories of his time with Terry. His eyes were shut tight yet he could see the sun shining on him and Terry as they walked thru the park, holding hands and moving off to kiss behind a bush or a tree when the mood took them. He saw it all and as he did the pain moved past him. It had no way in and he refused to give in, refused to surrender to the inevitable.

His body rocked but he held tightly to Terry’s cold hand until at last he began to feel some warmth. His heart pounded faster as he knew that the pain was being shunted aside. His love was too much for it just as he knew it was. Now the distant island grew closer as he let his soul burn fully. No more did he hold back his love and he felt it reaching out, pushing aside the darkness as it reached for its anchor, as it strove to touch Terry.

At last his heart began to settle down as he felt the love holding him steady. No more did the winds of pain howl around him nor did the blackness cloud his vision. There was Terry just as he knew he would be. God how beautiful he looked, with his hair blowing in the soft warm breeze, his eyes lighting up the whole world with its smile. This was their heaven and he could feel the love coming back now, stronger than ever, more powerful than ever and again the hope flowed inside of his body. He no longer swayed or trembled. At last he was once more with Terry and his body relaxed. The evil had been pushed aside and he stepped ashore, to feel the sand squish between his toes.

Ashley laughed as he felt the gritty sand squeeze up and over his bare foot. This was just as he knew it would be as he looked over towards Terry. He could see the arms started to open up to welcome him and he ran forwards now to let himself be embraced by the love of his life. There was no other way to be he thought as he felt the arms encircle his body.

His heart grew softer as he let his head rest on Terry’s shoulder. The tears that he had shed came back to him now as he held tightly, feeling exhausted by his battle to once more get here, to once more feel the warmth of the sun and to feel the love coming back to him. Ashley shuddered as his emotions overwhelmed him. Tears ran unheeded down his face to trickle across the bare shoulder of Terry.

He didn’t know how long he stood there crying in Terry’s arms but the tears had dried and he felt better now that he was with Terry. It hadn’t been easy but he knew he was safe now, that they were together at last so he relaxed. His arms fell to his side as he let his chin be lifted up so that he could look into Terry’s face. It was more than he had remembered as his heart began to race a little.

Make love to me, right now, please…

Horny bitch aren’t you? Not even a hello first?

I know, I am sorry, but please, take me now Terry, I need to know this is real, please, I need to feel you inside me.

Terry smiled as he ran the back of his hand down Ashley’s cheek. His eyes glittered with the passion as he slowly let his hand move down and under Ashley’s chin. His fingers brushed past the neck as he placed his other arm lightly around Ashley’s waist. He could feel the urgent need inside of his lover as his hand moved down and across the trembling belly.

God, please Terry, I need you inside now

His head lifted up as he looked into Terry’s face. Ashley could see the love flowing behind the eyes. He could feel it in each caress of Terry’s hand. His body staggered a bit as the hand moved down his belly, feeling the stomach rumble as the hand swept slowly across the warm milky flesh. Tears rolled down his face as he felt the love holding him upright, letting him stand when his body was void of strength.

Terry…

I know…

Then please…

No, no Ashley not yet, this isn’t what you think, the time isn’t right.

It is… don’t say that, please… I need you now. I need this now. Please Terry, you love me, don’t you?

You know I do

Then why? Please Terry…

Hush, open your eyes and look around Ashley. Come on, open them and look.

He felt a coldness that quickly passed from within his heart. The words were Terry’s but he felt frightened for a moment and then he opened his eyes. He gasped for air as he stood there, suddenly alone. Terry had disappeared from his sight and yet he could still feel his arms around him. He glanced down and around him, moving as if to try and find where Terry was hiding.

Ashley felt the chill of fear coming to him but he could still feel Terry’s arms. How could he feel him but not see him and then he stared outwards. Was he hiding in the trees but as he stared at them, they too seemed to pale and grow thin as he looked at them. It was as if everything was slowly fading and he quickly shut his eyes, willing for Terry to be there once more.

The beat of his heart rose inside his chest but he could hear the other sound now, the soft steady beat of another heart and he knew that Terry was still with him. He felt it as he tried to once more open his eyes, to once more do as his love bid him. He ignored the panic that was raging around him as he stared out once more. This time there was no trees, nothing but the sound of the ocean lapping up on the golden beach. He turned to stare out to sea hoping he would find Terry in the water, playing with the dolphins but the lagoon was empty.

He cried out, calling for Terry as he felt himself falling to the ground. Where was he? Why wasn’t he here holding him like before? What cruel trick was this and then once more the touch of his hand told him what he couldn’t see. Terry was still with him and he let the panic pass. His fear still was there but he fought it off, knowing that he was being foolish. Terry would never leave him, he had promised him. He let his love hold him as he sat cross legged on the sandy ground. He could still feel it and finally he opened his eyes.

The trees were gone and as he looked out at the ocean he could barely see the horizon from the mist that seemed to be covering it all up. The breakwater no longer stood out but seemed more of a distant object hidden mostly. The water no longer invited him as it too had changed. No more was it clear and crisp but instead seemed dark and brooding. He felt the panic, felt it reaching but he held on. He had to be strong, Terry needed him to be strong so he fought it. Every ounce of his being, of his spirit fought as he called for his love, as he called for Terry.

Ashley felt the touch on his shoulder causing his body to tremble. He was afraid to open his eyes and look up at whoever it was that had come but he knew he had to. He prayed silently as he hoped it would be Terry but he knew it wouldn’t be. He knew in his heart that somehow he had lost Terry. With a shudder deep in his soul he opened his eyes to gaze upwards at a smiling face. It wasn’t Terry’s but it gave him comfort none the less.

He just stared at the old man, feeling his gaze warm him. The fear was suddenly gone and he no longer felt the panic tearing at him. It was strange how calm he felt and yet as he looked at the man’s eyes he saw a glow that made his heart skip a beat. There was the appearance of untold power in the man’s eyes and yet more than that. It was like he held the answers and just by looking at him Ashley felt better. He didn’t feel like he had lost, that hope existed for him and for Terry.

As he felt himself relax he managed to finally look beyond the man. The trees were back and more full than ever. He could hear the water again and he turned to stare out at the brilliant blue green of the water. He saw the breakwater clearly now and there were the dolphins as well. Ashley could hear their chatter and his spirits rose as everything was back to how it had been. He sighed feeling better now as he looked back at the old man, knowing that he would help.

Who are you? Can you help me?

That is why I am here.

Okay.

There is nothing to be frightened of Ashley.

He felt mystified as if he should know the old man. It was odd how he knew his name and yet the more he looked at him the more relaxed he felt.

You know my name?

I do.

Do you know Terry?

Yes.

Where is he?

Out there, waiting.

Ashley turned his head to stare out at the wide blue ocean which is where the old man had pointed to. It puzzled him as he tried to understand.

Waiting? Waiting for what?

To come here.

He was here, I saw him, then… then everything went creepy, but he was here, I saw him here.

No, not really.

Ashley could sense the panic coming back and yet somehow he knew it would be held at bay. It didn’t make sense but he had lain here with Terry earlier, he had felt Terry’s arms around him, so how could he not have been here? What was the old man trying to tell him, that he had been dreaming? It was real, he could still smell Terry with each breathe he took.

Yes I did, it wasn’t a dream, I know it was real. We… we made love here, swam in the lagoon. We even played with the dolphins.

I know.

Then how can you say he isn’t here? Why did he leave?

He hasn’t left, just that he hasn’t come here, least not fully.

I don’t understand…

This is Terry’s place, the place he wanted and it is waiting for him. It is the home he wants, where you and others he love can come to when it is time, but first he has to come.

But he was here.

No my boy, he really wasn’t. That was merely a sign for you, to help you accept what you know in your heart you must do.

Despite the soft voice the man’s words gave him a chill inside. His soul ached as he tried to understand but his mind continued to deny his soul its voice. The answer was in his heart as well but he refused to accept it, not now, not when he was this close to winning. He couldn’t give in now, not this way when Terry was so close.

I can’t.. it isn’t right.

It is, you know that.

No, this is trick, it isn’t real.

Real? What is real Ashley? You want real, then close your eyes and see what your reality is. Come, close them now and see what Paul has seen, see what is real.

The voice had changed and it held him. He blinked as he tried to refuse the command but he couldn’t. He could feel his eyelids gradually closing and he hated himself for surrendering to the voice and the old man but he had no choice. His heart grew silent as his eyes finally closed and the darkness overwhelmed him.

His body twisted as the images flashed in front of him. He saw it all and the pain, oh God the pain that came to him was unbearable. It tore at him, made his heart scream in agony for hours on end. It seemed to never end and he could hear his own voice, his own words as he begged for the unthinkable. It made his soul cringe as he listened to his own words, to his own voice and he cried.

He didn’t want to believe it. His mind told him it was a trick and he held onto that, but the pain rose even more, the cried grew even louder. It was tearing at him as he saw it all, saw the agony, the pain, the uselessness of it all. Worse though was he could hear the other voice too. It was riddled in pain and yet no lips moved. He heard them deep in his tortured heart and so he knew they were the truth. They weren’t some magicians trick because they came from the heart.

Why are you doing this? He cried out. The pain doubling him over as he tried to beat it back, unable to fight the truth any longer. Why? Why?

The truth hurts sometimes my boy.

Make it stop, please make it stop.

Only you can do that Ashley.

I can’t, please, help me.

I am trying, if you will let me.

I will, please, I’ll do anything but that, please stop the pain, leave him alone, let him be.

It isn’t me holding him back, you know that.

No, no… please, oh God please, he is hurting so much, I can’t stop his pain, please…

Only you Ashley have that power, it is his will.

Me? I haven’t… I…

You are holding him back, you want him to be here? To have him wait here for you?

Yes, of course I do.

Then set him free, release him from his promise so he can come here, so he can heal and wait for you, it is in your power to do this, no one else can Ashley.

Please no, not that, I need him, don’t you see that? I need him!

And what of his needs? Release him my son, let him come home, you know it is the right thing to do.

No I don’t… this isn’t making sense, who are you?

I think you know, just as you know what you have to do if you want Terry to be here, if you want to ease his suffering, his pain.

No… no I don’t… this isn’t how it was supposed to be.

Yes it is Ashley, come now, you know this is true.

I don’t know that… how can I? Who are you?

Ashley, Terry is waiting, he hurts and he needs to come home now, to come here to heal. He can’t until you let him.

I am afraid… I can’t… I am so scared that… that..

I know but look around you Ashley. Come, look around at where you will come when it is your time, let your fears pass because this is made for you as well as for him.

At first he could barely see. The tears had clouded his sight but he felt the pain easing inside. He glanced around at the lush trees, the fragrant flowers that once more seemed to fill his heart with pleasure. It was all as he had seen it before except more so. The sound of splashing made him turn away from the old man and there in the lagoon he saw the blonde head bopping among the water. On either side were the dolphins and they were chattering and dancing on the water.

His heart grew still as the head looked over at him. He could see the eyes gleaming at him as the hand shot out of the water and waved at him. He felt the arms once more around his waist and he sighed, feeling he was at home at last. His body ached and he could feel the touch of a hand running down his side, gently caressing his flesh. He felt it all again and memories of times with Terry came flooding to his mind.

The pain of the first time Terry entered him made him smile even as he relived the pain that had lanced up his body as the hard thick pole had spread his rectum apart. He could feel the press of its hard throbbing head as it pushed into his willing body. It was as if it was all happening again for him, as if once more he was first tasting Terry’s love enter his body. The warmth made his soul sing and he could feel the flames of his passion rising inside of him.

I love him so much.

I know, and he loves you just as much.

I know.

Then release him Ashley, let me take care of him until it is your time.

Ashley stared at the old man for several minutes and then he just nodded. Slowly he stood up and as he did the trees no longer swayed in the soft gentle breeze off the ocean. His heart was heavy as he looked away from the island and once more looked down on the broken body of Terry.

His hand let go of Terry’s as he stood there feeling the pain and the loss. He was resigned now to do what he must as he let his fingers gently run up the still body. He could feel the skin and it was no longer warm. It was as if the body had sensed what was coming now, and he felt the sorrow in his heart. His hand moved up and across Terry’s chest, ignoring the heart monitor wires as he lightly touched the chest.

Good bye Terry, I know you need to go, I won’t be long, I promise.

As he softly spoke his finger brushed the thin pale lips. In his heart he could still taste Terry and deep in his body he felt the stirring that Terry always caused him to feel. He knew then that what the old man had said was true. He sighed as realized that this part would soon be over. He didn’t understand why this had happened, but at least he had the memories to get him through this and then, well and then he would move on. Terry had kept his promise, now it would be his turn.

Ashley bent down and kissed the cold lips of Terry. He felt the tears dropping from his face onto Terry’s face but he didn’t notice them. He had done what his heart had told him to, just as he knew that there had been no other choice for him. He hated it, but as he stood up and the steady pulsing bleep of the heart machine changed to a strange eerie monotone, he knew that he would be with Terry soon.

The rush of people into the room didn’t even take notice of him as he silently slipped out. He had released Terry from his promise and now he had only one more task to do, to fill the promise he had made to Terry. The tears stopped as he walked silently out of the hospital, knowing that it wouldn’t be long. It was too bad that he had said all those things to Paul, but in time he knew Paul would understand, if he didn’t already. Still it made him pause for a moment at the elevator.

He turned to see Paul in the room now. There wasn’t anything he could say now, but he saw how his body shook and he felt Paul’s pain even as the elevator doors opened for him. It was over, almost. Just one more small task to do and then he too could rest. His eyes filled with tears as he thought about his mother and how hard it been for his father. At last he finally understood him too and he forgave him for marrying again. When you find the one love and lose it, what else is there?

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He knew that Ashley was just lashing out from his own pain but it still made him mad. How could he think that of Paul? It wasn’t about money or anything else, least he felt it wasn’t. He had watched the pain growing in Paul with each passing second from the moment he had found out about Terry to now. Ashley was wrong, Paul did love Terry and he couldn’t believe how brave Paul was at this moment.

Rob felt that maybe he was the one who needed his head examined. How could he be thinking of Paul in a sort of heroic way, passionate even while Terry lay dying? Was he that selfish and heartless? Maybe it was best for Paul that he leave but something was holding him back. Maybe it was the way Paul’s eyes had looked when he had gone up to him at the desk, when he had to sign the papers?

In some ways he thought he could read Paul’s thoughts but then it only confused him. He knew that he felt better being with him, even if there was more silence between them than words. It didn’t seem to matter and he was almost certain Paul had wanted to take his hand earlier. Why was he feeling this way? He felt more sad that Paul hadn’t reached out for his hand than he was feeling about anything at that moment.

Only went to prove how selfish he was. How could he think of things like that while Terry was dying, and worse not really even thinking of how Ashley would take it. It didn’t make sense to him as he stood near Paul from that point on. Even though his mind told him to run, to leave and not inflict himself any more on Paul he couldn’t go. It was like there was some magnet holding him in place.

As he stood there watching Paul at the front of the boat, he wondered why things happened the way they did. He had never dreamed he would feel this way about another person never mind another guy but somehow he couldn’t let go of the feelings. They seemed to consume him when there was so much else to think about. His heart ached as his mind tried to make sense out of it all. He could just imagine what the press would do once they got a hold of all this. Why couldn’t they just let people alone at these times? What right did they have to speculate on why someone did something, how in fuck was that reporting news? He hated them and he knew that it was about to get worse as the news of Ashley came out.

In some ways he was numb from it all. He couldn’t understand why he hadn’t seen it coming, but then no one really did. They were all already in shock from the beating of Terry and then his death. Maybe if he had not made it at first it would have been easier, maybe then Ashley wouldn’t have done what he had. Rob wished he knew the answer if for no other reason than it might help Paul. God how he must be feeling right now.

First to find out his brother was close by and then that he was beaten by some assholes who hated fags. Then to have to choose whether to keep him alive by machines or let him go and finally there was Ashley. Rob still found it hard to believe that two people he had known, had rather liked were both gone now. It didn’t make sense and all for what? What did those two who beat on Terry get out of it? Were they somewhere laughing at the pain they had caused? Were they throwing a party to celebrate that they managed to kill three gays?

The media had made it a circus. Some religious preacher had been all over the news telling people that it was a just decision of God’s, that the death of the two gay men was God’s retribution for those who sinned so horribly against him. He never had thought about it, but he knew Terry. Terry was more like what he thought a man should be than most straight guys he had met but there was the preacher, saying Terry deserved to die. How could someone who believed in a loving God say such things?

 

 

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