Capturing One's Imagination.

Chapter 16

The sun felt good on his face as he began to accept that he really was here. It was all he had prayed for and now here it was, all true and real. He pinched his arm and felt the slight twinge of pain and his smile grew wider as he started to jog towards his lover. This was all he had dreamed of as he came finally up to his lover.

Terry just stood there with a warm beaming smile on his face. Ashley could see where the blows had landed and healed. Small pink lines were etched across Terry’s forehead and yet it didn’t make him any less handsome. To Ashley he looked more desirable than ever before. There was a strange glow to him too, sort of like you could feel his strength and his love that was there waiting for Ashley. It felt perfect as he reached out with his hand, to touch the one scar on the side of Terry’s face.

Took you long enough Ash

I know, doesn’t look like you were bored though.

No, not bored, lonely though.

Me too, but…

Yeah.

His hand reached out and gently Terry ran the back of it down the side of Ashley’s face. He could feel the love that came to him just as his own slowly passed outwards to Ashley. It gave him a thrill as he let his hand move slowly down and under the chin. The peach fuzz tickled a little and he laughed as Ashley’s eyes glittered in the sun’s glare. It was so perfect and he could feel it in more ways than one.

Ashley could feel his blood heating up as Terry’s hand caressed his face. Every fibre of his body was suddenly stretching and screaming with desire as he stood there, trembling to the soft gentle touch. It had been so long since he had felt this way that he was nervous as he lowered his eyes. His feet kicked at the soft sand as Terry’s finger curled down under his chin and with increasing pressure lifted it up so that once more Ashley was peering into Terry’s loving face.

I missed you Ashley

Me too, I mean, I missed you and…

Haha, I know, it’s written all over your face.

It is?

Among other places.

Ashley could feel his face growing red from embarrassment. The nervousness was slowly disappearing as he stared deep into Terry’s warm inviting face. The eyes were twinkling just as he remembered.

Like you can talk about other places…

So you noticed huh?

Duh.

Haha, just like that first time isn’t it?

A bit.. but…

I know, lots has happened since then…

I just…

Afraid it won’t be the same?

Yeah.

I know but in some ways, well some things never change Ashley.

But some do.

Yes but not how I feel about you, that hasn’t changed nor will it ever.

Honest?

I am here aren’t I?

Yes… but…

But nothing, I promised you and I meant it, it is why you are here now too, don’t you see that?

It has been so long Terry… I am… I am afraid that I won’t…

Please me?

Yes.

Terry reached out and placed his arm down Ashley’s side and he could feel the sudden intake of breath his touch caused. His eyes stared deep into Ashley’s as he gently but firmly pulled the slender boy closer until their noses brushed together. His eyes shimmered as his other hand moved around and met the other around the trembling back of Ashley’s body.

He tilted his head to one side and with his eyes firmly open he bent that extra inch or two to let his lips brush lightly across the trembling lips of his lover. He felt the passion rushing into his body as his hands clasped tighter around the vibrating body. He felt the warmth of his body as he tasted the salty lips.

Ashley felt the blood draining from his head as he staggered a little to the soft warm brush of Terry’s lips on his. The light blue eyes of his lover shimmered before him as he felt the pounding of his heart. This was more than he had remembered and it felt so much better. His fears were suddenly swept away as he felt the strong arms holding him tightly in their embrace. It was all he had hoped for and more as he surrendered to the passion that now held him in its grasp.

Together the two of them slowly sank to the soft sand and faced each other. Terry gazed deeply into Ashley’s eyes, feeling the passion that now held them. His one hand moved slowly up the trembling body towards the head while his other reached out and caressed the soft flesh of Ashley’s bare chest. He could feel the heart beating as he rested the palm of his hand over it. The warmth grew between them and yet despite his own desires he knew there was plenty of time. His body ached as he knew it would and as he felt the soft white flesh beneath his hand Terry smiled.

The widening of Terry’s mouth made him suck in his breath. Ashley felt the vibration of his body as Terry’s hand moved up his body towards his face. His legs were curled behind him as he rested on his knees facing Terry. His belly heaved from anticipation as the heat grew. The taut muscles grew even tighter as he held his breath. His own eyes couldn’t believe the love that came towards him. It wasn’t like anything he had ever seen or felt before as he kneeled there, soaking up the passion.

Terry’s hand moved slowly upwards and with each caress he could feel the desire growing inside of them both. He could hear Ashley’s heart now, almost as if it was in his own body. The sounds of warm thick blood pulsing made his own blood boil as it began to slowly leave his legs and arms. His muscles grew harder as he gently held Ashley’s face in one hand, the other slowly moving across the shuddering flesh of Ashley’s white stomach. Terry could feel the muscles coiling as his hand passed over them and he smiled even more. It was as promised.

Slowly he leaned to one side, gradually helping them both to stretch out on the golden sandy beach. Off behind Terry was the lush green of the island itself, tall trees reaching heavenwards that now bent slightly forward, casting a shadow of cool shade across their prone bodies. He held tightly to Ashley, feeling his shallow breath across his cheek. He breathed in deeply smelling that clean pure aroma that made him think only of Ashley. It mingled with the soft perfume of the flowers from behind him and the ocean scent from in front. It was as he had expected as he let his head move closer, his mouth open now as his lips pressed against Ashley’s mouth.

He tasted the love that rested on the thin lips and as Ashley’s hands now reached out to hold him closer, Terry let his tongue dart outwards, gradually letting it push apart the lips. He felt the warm breath escape as his tongue plunged inwards. It was like suddenly reaching heaven as his body shuddered to the full force of passion that washed all over his body. Together they lay on the sand, feeling the earth tremble beneath their bodies as their hearts opened up to each other.

Ashley felt like the heavens themselves were peering down at him and Terry as his body soaked up the energy from Terry. Every nerve tinkled with anticipation as he snuggled his body in tightly next to Terry’s frame. He could feel the body hairs bristling as they tickled him and he sighed, knowing that his fear of what would be was unfounded. His heart no longer felt alone as it beat stride for stride with Terry’s. It was exactly as he had dared to hope as his hands now slowly began to move along the back of his lover.

He felt the ridges of the spine and he could feel the hard masses too where the kicks had landed, leaving their own scars. His fingers caressed the pink scars lightly and no pain came to him, just love and desire. Ashley felt at peace now as he let the warm soft kisses on his neck excite his body, his soul well past that already. His body seemed to float really as he felt the brush of lips on his Adam’s apple, felt the raspy edge of Terry’s tongue as it flicked out and licked at the throbbing jugular vein that hurried his desire through his whole aching body.

Their hips moved inwards and Ashley could feel the hard pointed flesh digging into his groin. His own raging erection pressing with equal pressure up into Terry’s pubic region. The scent of musk came to his nostrils as he let a soft moan escape his lips, his hands busy pulling Terry’s warm body into his with increased fervour. His muscles were stretched beyond endurance and yet they held as he felt the hard press of Terry’s mouth on his nipples, then slowly the hot moist tongue cruised down the centre of his chest. His body groaned as did his soul. It was torment and yet so pleasurable that he felt himself shaking.

He found himself flat on his back and his eyes open in wonder as he stared up at the brilliant soft blue sky. Nary a cloud marred the beautiful scene that passed over his head as his lover lay between his legs. He could feel Terry’s hair against the taut flesh of his belly, his hands playfully curling the golden blonde locks between the fingers. He could feel the love flowing into his body as his backside was warmed by the sand itself.

His eyes watered as he felt the warm ocean breeze blowing across his naked body. For a moment he wondered when he had undressed but the touch of Terry’s hand on his thigh made him moan in desire. He didn’t care anymore, life had finally come to meet his fantasy. Here he was, finally in the position he knew he could spend eternity in. His body shuddered as it felt Terry’s tongue slowly licking at the soft inner flesh of his thigh. He stretched out more with his hands off to the side, his fingers digging deep into the small grains of sand, his thoughts occupied by the waves of pleasure that crashed into his body. Every part of him was now on edge, waiting for that time and as he moaned, he knew too that this would merely be the start of wild journey into heaven.

The sudden silence made him start. His eyes peered down his naked frame to see the warm glint of passion beaming at him from Terry’s face. His hard erect cock stood in front and there was no mistaking its need, as it bent slightly towards Terry, a small drop of creamy pre cum slowly oozing and dripping down from the hot red head. His body ached so badly that he could barely breath as the world suddenly seemed to have stopped. It was as if everything, the sky, the wind, the ocean even were all watching in anticipation of this moment. His heart seemed to stutter as suddenly the warm bright face in front of him changed and he felt the hot breath cover his groin.

He cried out as the lips closed around the hard throbbing pole and suddenly the sky above him was filled with brilliant flashes of colours. Purple streaks mingled with deep red flashes. Huge bolts of pure blue mixed with the deep dark green and his body bucked and shook uncontrollably. His legs struck outwards, the toes arching away from him towards the forest that seemed suddenly still.

Ashley had always wondered what heaven would be like and now he knew. The rolling thunder of his joy made him deaf and yet still he could feel Terry’s own cries echo around him. His body shuddered again and again as he felt the tight hold of Terry’s mouth around the throbbing shaft of his penis. His mind was stunned by the awesome power of the love that crashed into his body. Every pore was filled by the warm love that filled him. No past memory, no distant recollection could come close to the joy that now filled him. He knew now he was finally at home, that he was with the one who made him whole. He was with Terry and nothing else existed for him.

His legs pushed up and dug deep into the hot sand. His head lifted up to stare down his 6 foot body towards the mop of curly blond hair that was fixed to his groin. His rump lifted up off the sand and thrust hard into the air, the curly mop of hair bounced and flew from side to side but the press on his groin didn’t ease. He felt it shake and the ground began to move as his body arched up even higher, driving his hard throbbing pole deep down into Terry’s throat. He could feel it banging against the Adam’s apple and beyond. He felt the tongue swirling around his pole, tasting it, kissing it until finally Ashley surrendered to his body’s need.

The flood of cream that was released gushed quickly into the eager mouth above and nary a drop was allowed freedom. Without missing a beat or a hitch the roaring stream of hot love went deep down the waiting throat to fill the urgent need of the boy above. His hands dug hard into the bony hips as it held the groin in place. Terry’s mouth grew tighter around the hard thick pulsing base of spurting cock.

Only when the last drop of love had been drunk from the trembling pole did the head move upwards and off. Ashley lay collapsed on the beach but his eyes watched every move that the head of his lover made. He watched in awe as the face gradually appeared before him and the love only made him begin to ache all over again. His eyes opened wide as Ashley felt Terry slowly moving up his shaking body. The heat he had felt before was nothing to the fires that now burned brightly within his soul.

He watched as the head came closer and then with a loud explosion of passion he felt the hard press of lips on his own. He could taste his own cum on the lips as his tongue snaked into Terry’s mouth and for a moment he could feel the fires burning in both his and Terry’s souls. He felt the love but it wasn’t resting, it grew even stronger as he closed his eyes for a split second.

The world seemed strange as he felt the tug on his hands and he opened his eyes to see Terry standing up over him. He looked at the golden flesh that glittered in the afternoon sun. The hard naked body rippled with a strange power as Terry reached down for him and took his hands. In one single pull he lifted Ashley up to his feet and bent inwards to once more kiss him deeply and fully.

His heart pounded with joy as he felt the arms wrap lovingly around his lower back. He felt the press of Terry’s body into his and once more his body moaned in complete pleasure. He was in heaven at last and it was as he had dared hope so long ago. Terry had waited for him.

They broke apart and suddenly he felt the urgent tug as Terry led him down the beach towards the inviting water of the lagoon. At last his mind was able to once more feel the world around and he could see the glistening water coming towards them both. It looked so cool and inviting as he ran beside Terry to go splashing into the ocean itself.

Smiles broke out between them as Terry reached down and splashed him with the cold water. Ashley shivered a little as his body gradually cooled from the fires of their passion. He just smiled, enjoying the scene as Terry dove into the deepening water. He stood there watching the head bop to the surface and he could see the power in his lover as he began to swim out towards the jutting reef. It gave him a thrill to just stand there waist deep and watch.

Terry suddenly stopped and turned to stare at Ashley. He could see the head in the calm water staring at him and he could feel his desire as well. His thoughts were focused on the wet mop of blonde hair and the glistening face that held his gaze. The sudden press against his back surprised him as he fell forwards into the water. As he fell he caught a glimpse of Terry laughing as he rose up.

He spluttered a little and turned to see what had happened and froze in terror as a tall dorsal fin flashed past his body. Ashley felt the smooth skin brush past his legs and just as he thought he would scream in terror he heard the laughter coming from Terry. His head turned and there beside Terry was another dorsal fin but before he could yell a warning he felt once more the firm push on his upper leg and again he tumbled down into the water.

Ashley felt panic but as he stared around to fight off the attack he saw the long needle nose suddenly poke up out of the water next to him. The large fish seemed to rise up and actually stand on its tail as it looked at him with its glowing yellow coloured eyes. He felt a strange calm come to him as once more he heard the carefree laughter of Terry’s voice. His head turned to stare over at him as he realized that the fins belonged to a pair of dolphins.

Turning back he saw the glowing eyes staring at him as the dolphin that had pushed him in simply hovered near his shaking body. It was like the animal was trying to see his reaction, to decide if he wanted to play or not. Ashley had only seen dolphins a few times, always with Terry and he had marvelled at the stories Terry had told him of the strange animals. Now here he was not only seeing them again but in the water with not one but a pair.

The dolphin closest to him came nearer. The eyes never leaving him which scared Ashley a little. It was almost as if the fish was trying to read his thoughts, to reach his inner most feelings. The long nose came to him and then poked up out of the water. The head stared at him and then it was as if the dolphin smiled at Ashley. He saw it lift the head back and in a strange dance moved backwards along the shallow waters, splashing and crying out in a weird but pleasing voice. It didn’t last long before Ashley could hear the other dolphin joining in the cavalcade of sound and then on top of that he heard Terry’s voice laughing and giggling like a schoolboy.

It was like being a kid again he thought as he stared over at the laughing face that bopped around near the far breakwater. All his worries no longer existed as he just felt the love and peace. He struck out, reaching out with his long arms to pull the water past his body so he could be closer to his love. The dolphin swam around him, like some coach and the eyes always seemed to be following him which no longer terrified him. He just felt the peace.

Time didn’t seem to exist for them. They splashed and swam around the lagoon with occasional breaks either on the beach or on the breakwater. Finally as the sun began to set they climbed up on the breakwater, laughter still ringing loudly from them both as the hot sun warmed their wet bodies. For a few minutes they just laid there, enjoying the heat from the Sun and catching their breaths. It was ideal and Ashley couldn’t think of a time when he was this happy and relaxed. All his cares and worries seemed to have been washed away by the play in the ocean and he reached out with his hand, finding Terry’s and the fingers entwined instantly.

The beat in his chest now had a twin as he felt Terry’s even stroke and each draw of breath echo within his body. He could feel Terry’s love once more closing around him just as his own covered Terry’s body. He lay there, feeling the joy of togetherness and knowing that this was how it was supposed to be. The past no longer held him in its grip of pain and sorrow and at last a carefree smile came to his face. For the first time in his memory he no longer dreaded the future because he was living it now.

He shifted his body and turned onto his side to stare at Terry. Ashley noticed how Terry turned his head to gaze over at him and he felt the love growing between them once more. It was amazing really, the warmth, the peace, that held them so completely and safely. Nothing mattered anymore but seeing that smile, feeling that gentle touch and he leaned closer, lightly letting his lips brush Terry’s cheek. The sudden beat of his heart made his body ache all over again as he slid his body in closer to rest against Terry’s flesh.

Ashley wrapped his arms around Terry and rested his head on the gently rising chest of his lover. He felt the love caressing his soul as Terry’s arm came around and held him within its grasp. It was all as he had ever dreamed about as he closed his eyes once more, drifting off to sleep and back to reality.

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Doctor Collier made the journey once more to the waiting room in answer to the page from the nurse’s station. The ER was not overly busy and yet he had taken his time, knowing that he was once more being drawn into the strange world of Terry. He couldn’t explain it but he couldn’t stop thinking of the lifeless body being kept alive on life support up in ICU or the blonde boy who slept at his side, holding his hand as if to keep him alive.

In many ways he felt unnerved by the whole process. He had seen how the heart rate and pulse had risen slightly to the touch, had seen the circulation stop its gradual retreat and in spots had actually improved. It wasn’t enough but perhaps there was hope. Least he had hoped so but all his training told him it wouldn’t be enough. Still stranger things had happened.

Now once more this case was consuming his thoughts. It nagged at him ever since he left Ashley to sit with Terry and for the life of him he wasn’t sure exactly why. This wasn’t new to him, seeing patients come in beaten simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time yet this was making him crazy.

It had always been his mantra to try and resolve disputes in house. For him if he found a comment objectionable he generally just ignored it or walked away from it. If it was a matter of protocol he would point out his views but never threaten with sanctions. Yet now he had embarked on just the opposite and why? Was it because it involved Connor or had he finally had enough of the hypocrisy?

He just couldn’t shake the feeling that he was somehow being changed, that somehow this whole affair was making him do things he generally avoided. It was unnerving how he kept thinking about the boy up in ICU despite the other cases that seemed to be constantly interrupting him. Being so preoccupied was unlike him but as he strode down the hallway once more to the waiting area he knew that this case had touched him where nothing else had ever reached before.

Don’t rock the boat had been a favourite phrase of his when arguing with Connor and yet here he was, doing exactly the opposite. Already the staff at ICU was looking at him different as he must have called up for an update twenty times in the last few hours. Bruce had always cared for his patients but this was becoming an obsession that frightened him a bit.

Hell he hadn’t even gone to talk to his colleague but had instead filled out a disciplinary report instead. Now that he never did before yet his anger was such that there was no question of doing it. In the back of his mind he knew he was risking his entire job here, perhaps his whole career and for what, some kid he didn’t know? Some higher purpose? It just didn’t make sense yet there was no turning back. Even Connor had been surprised at his anger in the brief talk they had before Connor went back to duty.

He stood at the doorway for a moment, looking at the groups of people huddled inside. Many he knew would be grateful and relieved for the news that would come to them, others would stare in disbelief at what they would be told. It was all part of the routine really yet somehow this didn’t seem to be the same. His eyes stared into the room and instantly focused on the small group over to one side. He recognized the tallest of them from earlier but the other two who stood with him were new.

His eyes widened as he recognized the one new addition. He had treated him for alcohol and drug related problems and then his eyes found the other person. In so many ways it was like looking at a mirror image of the young man in ICU and yet not. His heart gave a quick little beat as he realized it must be the brother.

There was no mistaking his resemblance but there was something else that made Bruce square his shoulders. Something about how he stood there with the other two and yet not. In some strange way he was with them but apart. He felt apprehensive as he moved in towards the three men, his heart feeling a strange hint of panic.

Mr Jamison?

Paul heard the voice calling his name and yet he hesitated in answering for a second or two. He didn’t want to hear the words that he knew would come. A sharp jab of pain lanced upwards into his heart as he realized that he dreaded the words because it would be the end. It was the same pain he had felt when Terry had been forced to leave home. It was the same feeling only now it was real, not imagined. In his heart Paul knew that Terry was not going to ever come back to him. He steeled himself for the inevitable and turned away from the blank wall to stare at the green clad doctor.

I am Paul Jamison.

I am Doctor Bruce Collier, I am the attending physician for your brother, Terry Jamison.

He looked carefully at the Doctor and yet felt nothing. His heart was closed off, knowing the answers before the questions were even formed by his mind.

Yes?

Perhaps we can go to one of the more private areas to talk. Your brother’s condition is, well critical.

Will he live?

Bruce stared into the almost lifeless eyes of Terry’s brother. He could see the anguish inside and yet also a sort of acceptance. The man seemed to know what he himself still hadn’t quite accepted.

There is a chance, but, well I don’t hold out much hope. Uh, I think it would be better if we discussed this more in private Mr Jamison.

Paul, call me Paul. Fine, lead the way.

Okay Paul, follow me, uh, would you like your friends to join us? It uh, I mean…

If they want.

Bruce saw both of the men nod silently and so he led them out of the waiting room to a small lounge area that was used just for such meetings. The room was rather Spartan and it added to the coldness that Bruce was feeling. He waited for the two others to sit down off to one side while Paul sat in one of the metal chairs. He seemed to slide down into it as if he had already resigned himself to the harsh reality of death. Yet there was hope, slim maybe but as long as the heart beat and the brain functioned there was a chance.

He felt like Paul had already given up on Terry surviving and it angered him. The man hadn’t even heard what was wrong and yet seemed certain that his brother wouldn’t make it. How could he be so believe in the worst? Did he not care for his brother?

Relying on his training Bruce managed to hide his feeling of disgust and anger. He put on his blank look, hoping it would be enough as he tried to explain the situation without revealing his own inner turmoil.

Mr… sorry, uh Paul, your brother has suffered some serious injuries. We have done what we could to try and stabilize him but it isn’t looking good. We might have to operate again before we can transfer him.

Transfer him?

Well this isn’t county hospital, the rules are, the uh hospitals obligation is to stabilize any emergency before transferring. Right now though we need to get you to sign some consent forms so we can perform any additional emergency surgery that might be called for.

Okay, then what?

Well, as I said once he’s stabilized we can arrange for his transfer to County Hospital unless you can make other arrangements for his care?

It felt like he was just going through the motions. Inside he felt dead and yet he had to push forward. Maybe there was hope but as he listened to the Doctor he felt distant. It was like something was pulling at his thoughts.

Arrangements? Please, just lay it all out so we can move on. You are talking about payment?

Well… yes, but right now…

Just take care of him Doctor. I can afford whatever it is, but just take care of him.

He felt confused. Paul hadn’t struck him as the type who would request heroic measures to keep someone alive. Yet it sounded like that which perplexed him. Could he be wrong about him?

I know you may think that, but Paul, this isn’t quite that simple. Look, I can get the administrative staff to go thru that later with you. Right now I need your consent for surgery. Unless the swelling in his brain lessens on its own within the next few hours we are going to have to go in and try to relieve it. It is a risky procedure at best but your brother has already suffered severe trauma, just the administration of anaesthesia may be too much for him to take let alone the actual surgery.

In short you are telling me either way he is going to die? Either from the swelling or the surgery?

Well, no, not really. Obviously the longer we wait for the surgery the stronger his body might become so it can withstand the added surgery. If the swelling lessens he could survive too, but if the swelling continues at its present rate, well, it becomes a very high risk either way. We just may not have the time, which is why I need your consent or not.

Or not?

Uh, well, yes you can refuse to let the surgery happen due to the risks involved.

In which case he’ll die from the swelling and it’ll be my fault, no blame to rest on the surgeon, right?

Bruce stared with anger at Paul for just a fleeting second. No one had ever put it quite that way and he had to admit, that was it exactly. Many surgeons he knew had used it as an excuse, but there was more to it than that. The really good one’s cared so much that even when going in on a hopeless case they felt responsible when they couldn’t save the patient. He had felt that way, each time he had lost one. It was personal and yet when family had intervened, he had felt somehow, well relieved.

Maybe it wasn’t right and it certainly wasn’t about fault. It was just that, well each loss took a toll. This wasn’t a job you simply put aside when you left the building. It ate at you or at least if you were one of those who cared. Some had been able to put that aside, but in his mind they had sacrificed something in being able to sleep at nights. They had lost their humanity and it hit him then.

That is why he felt so different about this case. He had been doing exactly what others who he had derided had done. He had walled himself off, taking the easy road of making all this merely a job. It wasn’t being angry for others trying to simply protect themselves that had irritated him, it was that he had become one of them and couldn’t stand it any longer.

No, it is just, well there are no guarantees here. Either way the odds don’t favour your brother and as his next of kin it is your decision to make.

If you were me, what would you do?

I can’t tell you that.

Why not?

It really was a simple question but Bruce knew that if he ducked this one he would be back to where he had been. Life wasn’t about taking the safe road, it wasn’t just about following rules or such. Sure, the rules made sense. Most usually did but there were exceptions. There had to be and as he thought for that split second he knew he was facing a crossroads.

Well, because it is against the rules. It could be, oh hell, look if he was my brother I’d chance it. He isn’t though, so I can’t tell you what to do. You have to decide that.

Then do it, then what? If he makes it, what then? Will he make it then?

Part of him wanted to say yes but he had been a Doctor for too long. There was just too much damage to have much hope yet in his heart he found himself hoping. He wanted this one to turn out okay.

No, if he survives that it will only give us time. That is good though because it might allow his body a chance to gain strength to fight the trauma, to recover a bit. But no, it won’t take him out of the woods, there are other problems as well. His kidney’s were severally damaged by the beating. Right now they aren’t functioning but if we can stabilize him, well they might restart on their own, otherwise we’ll have to hook him up to a machine to assist him.

And then?

I can’t say, there are other problems as well. If the kidneys are permanently damaged then dialysis or a transplant, then there is the likely possibility of brain damage and other internal injuries that would have to be addressed. It is not as simple as just listing them all for you. All we can do, all anyone can do is deal with each crisis as it comes and hope he can get past it.

What are the odds?

The odds? Well the odds were he shouldn’t have even made it here alive, the odds were he shouldn’t have survived the procedures to bring the blood loss and other traumas under control but he did. So I don’t know, he is a fighter but it is just too early to say right now. It doesn’t look good but that could change with a bit of luck.

He had seen the way the Doctor had stared at him several times. At first he thought Bruce was some uncaring automaton but the more Paul looked at Bruce, the less he seemed like a machine. It was almost as if he really did care whether Terry made it or not. Strange, Terry always did have a way about him and not it seemed even unconscious he could weave his magic. God if only he could believe in luck, in fate or something, but all he felt was emptiness.

Luck? I suppose there is that. Can I see him?

Yes, of course but he won’t, well he is in a coma right now. It isn’t exactly an easy sight to walk in on, I mean the tubes and machines make it uh...

I appreciate that but, well I need to see him.

Certainly, uh… I did let his uh partner in. He is with him now. If that is a problem for you…

He felt a hitch in his heart as the Doctor’s words penetrated the fog of his mind. It had never occurred to him that Terry would find someone that special. Sadness grew inside as he realized just how much he had missed out on by being a coward. If only he had taken that one step, just one then maybe things would be different now.

His partner? Uh no… no it is okay.

Fine, uh, I’ll take you up to ICU. Uh if you want, your friends here can come up and wait in the waiting area up there. It’ll be a bit less public. I’ll have someone from administration available for you to talk to. I do need those consent forms signed as soon as you can.

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His eyes opened to once more look at the lifeless body laying across from him. His hand felt numb from holding Terry’s hand. Nothing had changed and yet in some ways he felt easier. It was almost as if the dream he had was more than a dream. Maybe it was some sign of what was to be?

The fear he had coming into this room no longer tore at his heart. It was like he knew the answers now but just couldn’t quite put them together. Yet he knew that Terry would be with him again. His eyes no longer teared up as he thought about Terry or as he gazed at him. It was a sense of peace that now held him as he sat there, wondering how long it would be before Terry would be home with him.

Ashley could still smell the sweet aroma of the tropical flowers as he looked at Terry. He could still feel the joy he had from Terry’s touch and from his laughter. The ache in his heart had been replaced by a sense of calm. He just knew that he would always be with Terry now. His body still tingled from the love they had shared and yet he knew it hadn’t been real. It couldn’t have been but as he looked at Terry he wondered.

He wished he could be back there now, wished that what the future was now. Impatience grew in his thoughts as he looked at Terry. Least then he would be able to hold him, to touch him and feel the love between them. The more he thought of his dream the more he believed it to be a revelation, a sign of what was in store. It gave him hope but it was also blurring the reality. For a moment he was sure he could see a smile on Terry’s face but then it looked the same, the lips still pale and lifeless. Yet he could still taste him, still feel the love soaring inside him as Terry’s tongue had licked inside his mouth. He could feel it so how it could not be real?

Maybe he was losing his mind he thought. But that was wrong, he couldn’t have just imagined it all, not that way. It had to be real or some divine intervention? Could his pleas have been answered or was it some trick that his mind was playing on him? If it was a trick it was too real. The more he tried to analyze it the more he felt frightened that it was a hoax. He so desperately wanted it to be true and yet his mind kept telling him it couldn’t have been. Terry was in a coma, he couldn’t have been on some island, he couldn’t have been laughing or playing with dolphins. It was just wishful thinking and the more his mind spoke the more his heart grew scared. The more his mind reasoned with him the more his soul grew afraid.

The sound of someone calling his name made him turn from Terry and the increasing doubts of his thoughts. His eyes grew wide as he stared at the men in the entrance. One he recognized as the doctor but the other could have been an older version of Terry. The eyes were just as piercing and his heart skipped a few beats as he realized that they reflected Terry’s own eyes. Not the laughing full of life gaze that he was in love with, but the dull empty pain filled one’s that he stared at now whenever he looked at Terry.

You’re Paul.

Yes… how did, how did you know?

Your picture was in the paper but I’d have known without it.

I don’t… I mean…

You look like him, uh I am Ashley.

Ashley turned away to look at Terry. He smiled inside as he spoke softly, letting Terry know that Paul had arrived. He didn’t know why but it was important for him to say the words, or at least think he had. His eyes filled with tears as he wished Terry would speak to him, would acknowledge him and prove that what he had dreamed had been real. Please God, he thought, let it be real, let him live and come back to me. I need him, please.

Slowly he sighed and stood up. His eyes were brimming with tears as he struggled to keep his composure.

Ashley why don’t you uh come out and sit with your friends for a bit? I think Paul here would like to be alone with his brother for a few minutes.

Huh? Oh, uh, I’d… I mean… I can come back though, can’t I? You aren’t going to…

Yes you can come back. Paul has uh given his permission, now come on, maybe you should get some coffee or something. You have been here for a few hours now.

It’s okay, I don’t need anything… I can come back to sit with him?

Ashley looked at Paul for the answer. His face was drawn and taut as he shivered a little. He felt a sense of foreboding each time he glanced at Paul that made his body shudder a bit. There was no life in Paul’s face, almost as if he was the walking version of Terry.

Yes.

Okay.

Paul stood to one side to let Ashley walk past. Just as he came level he stopped and they looked into each other’s face. Paul could see the love this tall young boy had for his brother which made him feel a bit better. At least Terry had found some happiness, that was something, he thought. Still he looked so young, so helpless. God why did these things have to happen he wondered as the moment past and Ashley walked out towards Rob and Carl.

He turned his back to them and looked over at Terry. The Doctor had been right, it was an unsettling sight to behold but somehow he didn’t feel panic or fear. In his heart he already knew the truth as he stepped forward to take Ashley’s place on the chair by Terry. For several minutes all he could do was look at Terry. His gaze took it all in but it didn’t seem to really register with his mind.

Inside he knew he should be crying, that he should at least show some signs of the pain he felt but it was all numb inside. There was no life there and to be honest there hadn’t been for a long time. He was just as dead inside as his brother seemed to be on the outside. It didn’t unsettle him as the practical side of his mind continued to keep him in check. The emptiness had been there for a long time, ever since he stood by and let Terry leave.

Even the brief awakening he had felt when around Rob was gone now. Rob had betrayed him he thought, yet somewhere inside a spark still held onto the truth. Deep down there was still some emotion, some spark of feeling that he wished with all his mental powers would just go away. He didn’t need emotion to cloud his judgement anymore. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel, he did. It was just that it didn’t get him anywhere.

If he admitted to the feelings he’d have to admit that he had failed. Deep down he knew he had but it would serve no purpose now. His life had been written when he had simply stood there like a statue. Terry had left and with him had gone his own ability to feel or so he believed. Now that chapter was finally being written in its finality. As long as Terry was alive somewhere there had been a chance for him, but now some punk had taken that from him. It wasn’t fair and he felt the sorrow of losing his only chance at being human.

Without realizing it he took Terry’s hand into his own. He could feel the pain coming towards him but it merely swirled around and passed thru. His eyes held onto the lifeless eyes of his brother as his mind wandered to times past. He could see Terry splashing next to him, laughing. They hadn’t had much as kids but they never seemed to feel hopeless like he felt now. It was as if just being together they could imagine a better life. Then it had gone in the blink of an eye and now was finally ending forever.

You always were the deep thinker.

Huh?

Said you were always the deep thinker, what’s the matter, you still got wax in your ears?

Paul blinked because he knew the voice. He stared at the lifeless form but his heart quickened its beat and for once his analytical mind shook and shuddered. The voice was real, he knew that but how? It was impossible, these things were not real,  just a result of shock or grief.

This can’t be happening.

It is, you just think too much Paul.

Paul stared up at the nurse in the room who simply continued to check the flashing readouts of the various machines. She hadn’t heard anything and yet the voice was a clear as any other voice. He looked back down at his brother wondering if maybe his grief was more than he had imagined. He licked his lips feeling frightened because if it was really Terry, then what could he say? How could he tell him how much he loved him without being told off? How could he even begin to explain the torment that he had kept buried for so long?

Terry?

Duh! Like who else would it be?

But…

I knew you’d make it Paul… it’s okay you know.

Okay? No… no it isn’t Terry… I mean…

I know, but it was my choice, not yours, so quit beating yourself up over it.

I should have said something, how can you…

I wanted out, it was my way to get out, it wasn’t your fault. Don’t let it, you know…

But… why? We… I mean…

I guess because I knew you’d try to stop me, then we’d both be in for it and you’d not get what you wanted, and me, well I’d probably not have gotten out. It worked out for the best bro, let it go.

I can’t.

Yes you can.

No, I can’t… I should have done something.

What? It wouldn’t have helped, not in the long run, would only have made things worse, so come on Paul, time to let it go.

Like you would have let it go if things had been reversed? Come on Terry, you would have fought, clawed even…

Not clawed, I ain’t no flamer bro.

Terry…

I know, but we had fun, we will again in time.

This was insane. He was talking to someone who was in a coma but it felt so real, so vivid that it had to be real. Either that or he was totally losing his mind which wasn’t all that impossible. Still the voice was real, bit older sounding just as if it was really Terry talking to him. The small voice buried for long inside of him was louder now, and it made Paul feel frightened.

Terry you…

I know, don’t say it.

How can I not? Damn it, you always had the answers.

No, not really but Paul, I need you now.

I am here.

I know, but not that way Paul, I know there isn’t anything you can do about that.

Terry don’t… I mean the doctors seem…

It’s not up to them bro.

Then fight.

I will, but its not easy. My time is… my time..

Don’t.

Okay, but I need a favour.

Anything

Careful, I might just ask that.

I’d give it to you if you did Terry.

I know, but it isn’t that.

Then what?

It’s Ashley.

Ashley? The kid who was sitting here?

Yeah, he’s… he’s everything I ever hoped for Paul.

Then…

I can’t, it wouldn’t be fair to him, don’t you see that?

I guess, but you don’t…

I do, leave it at that.

Then what do you want me to do?

Get him to let me go Paul, help him, please. He is so alone, I need to know you’ll take care of him.

If that’s what you want, but he doesn’t strike me as the type who is going to let go easily.

He won’t.

Then how…

You know how…

NO!

Yes, please Paul.

It was a trick. There was no way that Terry would be asking him this yet even as he thought that he knew it wasn’t true. Terry would ask him, he would trust him to do it too. Still he couldn’t face that, it wasn’t in him to grant this favour. More than that he didn’t want to. He was here now, how could he just let him go now?

I can’t do that.. God do you know what you are asking me to do?

Yes.

He’ll hate me Terry.

I know, but I’ll make it right with him.

Terry no, please I don’t know if I can do that. I just.. I need you too, I can’t…

For me, please Paul.

Terry had never pleaded with him before. Not in all of his memory had Terry ever begged him for anything so how could he refuse him now? It wasn’t in him, he knew that as he tried to stall for time, tried to make sense of this insane conversation that he couldn’t be really having.

No… No I can’t… you can’t ask me that..

No? Who else can I ask if not you? You know me, do you think I’d be happy laying in a bed watching Ashley tear himself apart every second, seeing you hate yourself each waking second? Paul you know me, who else is there? Mom?

She’d do it but no, but you are asking a lot.

Wouldn’t you ask me if you were me?

Yes.

Would I do it?

Yes.

Well?

I can’t, you are stronger than I ever was or ever will be.

You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for bro, God just look at what you have accomplished already.

Me? I haven’t accomplished shit.

No? Let me see Marine World goes out to snare you to head their research, you have guys like Rob who feel hopeless that suddenly find purpose…

Rob? How can you…

I know… so do you if you’ll just give yourself a chance.

This isn’t happening. This is a nightmare.

No, it is real, you can feel it in your heart bro…

It’s a trick, I am just tired and the news has…

If its not real who are you arguing with? A dream?

I have to be, what you are saying, you can’t know about Rob.

I can, not everything they taught us was bullshit. There was some truth in there.

The lessons of his childhood came flooding back to his memory. He could hear his father lecturing them on the evils of the world, insisting they surrender to God’s will when they didn’t even know what that meant. It all came back but he couldn’t believe it, not now, not like this.

I can’t… Terry please, don’t ask me this.

I have to. There is no one else.

I can’t do it.

You can, you know you can and what’s more, you know you have to, not for me, but for yourself.

For me? No, I need you too, as much as Ashley does.

No Paul, you need to do this so you’ll know you aren’t who you think you are, you need to do this because then you will know what I already know, that you are a good brother, a good person, and that, well, that you are worthy of being loved too.

How? How can doing this do that? You are crazy, there is no way…

You love him don’t you?

Love him? Who? I don’t know what you are…

Oh Christ, yes you do know, you love him, admit it.

He felt the rise in his pulse and could feel the sweat on his forehead. It was like the room was closing in on him as he tried to push aside the words, tried desperately not to give a name to it but inside his inner voice was once more awake. He struggled to deny it but it was there. His heart felt it and his mind continued to battle with it. He didn’t want to admit it, not now, not this way.

Who? The drugs they are giving you is making you talk crazy Terry, I won’t do it.

You will.

I won’t.

Did you say something sir?

Paul lifted his head up and stared at the nurse. She had turned to look at him and he realized he had spoken out loud. He felt dazed and confused at the thoughts that had been passing thru his mind. Maybe he was losing it or maybe he was just reaching out, hoping for something that couldn’t be.

Uh no, sorry, must have been thinking out loud, sorry.

His eyes quickly looked down at Terry and then back to the nurse who had gone back to her monitoring. He couldn’t explain it but he felt the sweat on his forehead. Paul rose up and left the room without looking back. He was too afraid as he passed the waiting area. His heart made him slow down as he felt the panic and yet he couldn’t help himself. He had to look inside where Ashley sat next to Rob. The ache in his body only added to his confusion.

Paul spotted the doctor by the nurses station and immediately headed over to him. His pace was fast and he could feel the twinge of panic as he kept hearing Terry’s voice inside his head. He knew it was an illusion but he couldn’t help feel it was more real than anything else.

Doctor…

Yes?

I’ll sign those papers now, and if you can tell me where to go to make the arrangements.

Certainly, the papers are here. There isn’t a rush to make the arrangements, the surgery itself will take a few hours, and then we’ll have to wait for a bit, so we can do that in the morning if you wish…

No, I want to make sure that everything is in place now. Please… can you…

Certainly, but, I told you unless you have insurance this is an expensive undertaking..

I don’t care. I have money, its useless to me if I can’t do everything possible for Terry.

I know how you feel but…

I doubt that Doctor, unless your own brother has been in this situation, so please, never mind the usual caution, I want everything possible done for him, I don’t care about the cost, do we understand each other?

As you wish Mr Jamison, the nurse here will show you where to sign and then take you to the administration offices where you can make the other arrangements.

Thank you.

Doctor Collier stood there for a moment as he watched the nurse indicate where to sign on the consent forms. Slowly the anger subsided as he realized how stressful it was for someone in Paul’s situation. Still it had hurt him but he kept his mouth shut as he was trained to do. His eyes moved off to stare back at the ICU room and he noticed that Ashley was once more back inside, sitting holding Terry’s hand. Silently he prayed that the vigil wouldn’t be a wasted one. There had been enough pain already.

 

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