Accepting Being Gay

Chapter 15

He had no idea how long he had been standing there or even really where he was. All he could do was stand there looking on helpless as people in dark green moved around the hidden table. Nothing made sense to him as he watched them bent over the table but he knew that away from his view was Terry.

Ashley felt the coldness slowly overtaking him as he stood there but he did nothing to ease it. Inside he felt like his very existence was hanging on a slender thread, slowly unravelling as time marched onwards. His heart beat and his lungs sucked in air but nothing else existed for him. It was all automatic and even when people came to him he didn’t even notice. Nothing could move him or reach him as he stood there waiting for what he dreaded the most.

His vigil was endless or so it seemed to him. The pain in his legs no longer troubled him, the smell of blood and disinfectant mingled in his nostrils but he didn’t notice as his eyes stayed glued to the people moving around the one small table that held his life. It was there that it would all be decided and he felt the anguish of not knowing of fearing the worst and yet somewhere inside a small flicker of hope still burned. Somewhere inside he still held onto the believe that Terry would come through it all, that maybe it would take time but he firmly believed that he would come back to him.

The ride in the ambulance had been nothing more than a blur. The paramedic kept working and talking on the little phone set to the hospital and with each passing second he could feel the hopelessness growing yet he refused to surrender. He could still see Terry’s look before they lifted him up and placed him on the gurney. He could still feel the love that bound them both together and he willed his mind to think of nothing else but how much he loved Terry.

Deep inside he fought his war, desperate to push aside the darkness that was forever reaching for his heart. The fight was only beginning and yet already he felt like he had been defeated. But just when he thought he could stand no more the sight of Terry’s eyes resting and recognizing him would come to him and somehow he found more hidden strength to continue the war.

His arms hung to his side and his fingers were still yet deep within his body he felt the struggle being waged. His lips would tremble now and then but he ignored the involuntary actions of his body as he bent his whole being towards the still figure on the table. His eyes took in the feverish movements of the doctors, saw paddles and saw people suddenly stand back and his heart quivered but his will never stopped reaching out for Terry.

Even his mind was consumed by the need to touch Terry, to reach him and the love he had inside refused to surrender, denying the darkness its one vital hold but as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes turned to what seemed an eternity, he knew it was a battle still in doubt. All he could do was hold on and try to fight alongside Terry, desperate to keep the love burning but his strength was waning as time marched on.

If he could just be in that room, if he could just be holding Terry’s hand he knew he could help. Ashley knew that he couldn’t be there but his heart, mind, and soul kept urging him, kept hounding him and he wished they would stop. He wanted to be there, to feel Terry’s hand in his, to be close so his very will could easily reach Terry’s own love but they had refused, denying him more than a mere glance when he told them he was Terry’s lover.

The nurse had simply stared at him and then told him that unless he was a blood relative or family he couldn’t be there. He was Terry’s lover for Christ’s sake but she didn’t care, rules where rules she said and the law was clear. He knew what she meant but there was no use in arguing with her. The tall security guard who stood next to her insured that and if he wanted to at least be in the same building he couldn’t press the point.

His mind wandered for a moment but quickly his heart turned back towards the table and the milling people in green. His eyes hurt as he tried to stare past the moving figures but all he could see was a blur to him. He cried inside as he prayed to God, prayed to his dead mother to help him and to give him the strength he needed but he didn’t hear any answers. All he could hear was the muted sounds of voices and the soft murmur of whispered conversations.

His eye noticed the sudden change of pace and he felt the sickening rush of defeat coming to him as the people in green seemed to slow their pace, seemed to almost stop and he felt dizzy as his worst fears grew more real inside. His mind shuddered with images of dark limousines and of cold dreary skies yet somewhere the flicker of hope continued to sputter and burn. His heart shook and yet even as it too felt the dread it refused to surrender totally as the milling group moved aside and he saw the unmoving figure.

Pink seemed to cover most of the table along with tubes and bottles and other gear that were strewn across the limp body that was his Terry. His eyes grew moist yet as he watched he saw that the pink tinged sheet didn’t go all the way up and he could just barely recognize the mop of hair at the other end of the now moving table. His heart quickened as he realized that for now the battle hadn’t ended. There was still some hope as he stood there watching them wheel his love away.

Ashley stood there as the group moved away, all except for one who slowly removed the shield that covered his face. He saw him glance towards him but there was not recognition, no signal or sign that he could make out and once more the fear seemed to grow within. Once more he felt it gathering itself for another assault on him as the tall figure in green moved towards the door and he waited, knowing that soon his fears would either be erased or become reality.

He prayed silently, willing that his voice be heard in the place he had always believed in simply because there had to be such a place. There couldn’t be no God, not as he believed it but waiting alone, seeing the pink tinted rags on the floor, the empty waste that littered the floor and the sagging shoulders of the man who had worked on Terry all this time, he felt his belief in God waver, his faith stretched to the limit of endurance and beyond as his soul continued to pray nonetheless.

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Doctor Bruce Collier was only 37 years old and yet he felt like the weight of the whole world rested on his shoulders. He wasn’t a bad looking man, bit skinny for his just under 6 foot frame but it was his eyes that seemed to make people notice him. They were a deep aqua green and depending on the light, you could never be sure what lurked behind them. Yet he was rather popular in the hospital and even being newly appointed as chief of emergency for Scripps Mercy Hospital hadn’t seemed to ruffle too many feathers until now.

Tough cases always made him feel exhausted because Doctor Bruce, as everyone called him, was one of those who literarily fought for his patients even when he didn’t know them. This last case though was different, it was like a raging fire had suddenly been lit inside and he had no idea of how to put it out or even if he should.

No one that came to him was ever denied his best. It didn’t matter if the person was black, green or even an out and out racist, Bruce Collier gave the best he could. He would use every ounce of his training and skills to ease their pain and yet this case had touched him in a way that frightened him. For the first time he questioned his own values and if it was even worth the effort.

Not much shocked him as he had spent his residency in the Emergency ward of a county hospital in New York City . Whatever indignities man could dish out, Doctor Bruce had seen it come thru the swinging doors of County and he never let man’s inhumanity scare him from doing his job but this case had brought it all home to him.

He sighed as the gurney with the young man was finally wheeled away to ICU. Bruce felt like he had aged a 100 years in the short time that he had spent trying to save one more life but it wasn’t that which had him scared. It was the way he had forced himself to take charge of the case, a case that his supposed co workers should have handled but wouldn’t.

The look of shock on some faces only drove home the fact that he was different and worse, that his supposed co-workers now looked on him differently than they had a few short hours earlier. It stunned him really as he realized that Connor was right, that taking the easy road was not the answer, that being quiet and letting his work speak for him wasn’t going to protect him. His whole future was now up in the air simply because he couldn’t stand back and deny treatment to someone who so desperately needed it.

Coming here from New York had been a huge culture shock but it had also given him some freedom that more than compensated for not having his favourite deli foods on every street corner. Not only had he fallen in love with the city but it was here that he had found Connor. Now in less than 3 years he had come to realize that life without Connor was no life at all for him.

Before he had been given his new position he and Connor had reached a cross roads. While Connor was out to those he worked with in the Paramedics department, Drs Bruce wasn’t out to anyone other than a select few at the hospital. The Chief of Staff being one who when he had offered the job of Chief of Emergency to Bruce had qualified it by requesting that Bruce keep his other life at home. In short, the simple ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ rule of the military that had gone over with such success was to be his guiding light.

Connor had objected of course but then Connor was one of those who spoke his mind. It was also why Connor had been passed over for Lieutenant and why he rarely got the requested days or shifts he bid for. Still Connor seemed content to accept that and Bruce had to admire him too because it never seemed to dull his sense of speaking up as the need arose. Bruce couldn’t do that, it just wasn’t part of his character he thought, at least until now.

He shivered a little as he saw the elevator door closing on the young man. For a moment or two he wished he could have done more, wished he had better skills but he was smart enough to know that sometimes you could only do your best and hope for the same. The matter was out of his hands and to be honest, no amount of skill would have altered the course of events, least he didn’t think it would have. His mind was still torn between his patient and the events that made him his patient.

It still seemed to be a dream really. Hell he worked with these people day in and day out in some pretty tough situations. There had been the school bus accident just a month ago and if anything can rip a person apart it is seeing mangled children yet they all worked hard and to their best abilities. No one passed on any child and yet here, one single male in his prime could make those same people quake and ignore their vows to help the suffering. It didn’t make sense to him how such a thing could happen, least not with these people never mind what their profession was.

When the first call from the paramedics had come in he was busy with a young Hispanic couple. The wife was in premature labour and it looked like a possible breech birth. He was busy trying to keep her calm when the duty nurse had come in, telling him that one of the paramedic units were refusing the on call doctor’s instructions. He couldn’t believe it really but he managed to get another doctor to come in while he rushed to see what was going on. It was unheard of for any paramedic unit to disobey a doctor’s instructions and yet as he had hurried down the corridor he had a sinking feeling that somehow Connor would be in it. He was right.

The doctor who had taken the call was one Bruce knew rather well. They had lunched together several times and even enjoyed a friendly game of handball on their brief off times. The man was always pleasant and had joined the hospital just after Bruce had. He was from Seattle and enjoyed fishing and they had plans to go deep sea fishing later when their schedules allowed and yet here he was, red faced with veins sticking out like they were going to pop.

Quickly he had explained that he had ordered the paramedic unit to transport the two victims of a beating to county. When Bruce asked where the incident was he was shocked, as Mercy was mere minutes from the scene, county clear on the other side. It was when he mentioned that fact that he came to realize that perhaps Connor was right. The answer he was given was ‘let the queers go to county, who wants to risk getting any of their diseases’.

The sound of the sirens coming closer had only made the other doctor angrier. He had looked at Bruce expecting his support but when Bruce ordered the nurses to prepare two examining rooms, he thought his friend would burst. The anger he showed was surprising but what made it worse was how some of the nurses nearby seemed just as equally upset with his decision.

Standing there now, wishing he could just go home to his bed and to Connor, he could still recall his own angry words as he rushed to aid the incoming patient. He had told the outraged doctor to take over his case, assuming he had no problem with Hispanics. The glare he got from not just the doctor but a few nurses only infuriated him further.

He didn’t have much of a chance for anything from that point on as crisis after crisis seemed to follow the two young men. At least a resident had managed to come to his aid but it was still strange to see qualified persons who he had worked side by side with standing back, unwilling to stand close, unwilling to actually do what they had trained years for. It angered him as he also watched how no one moved unless told to. In a way it was like they were merely watching, hoping that the patient would die so they didn’t have to do anything more. It infuriated him but he was too busy trying to do the work of three or so it felt like to him.

How could people be so callous he wondered as he stood there, the exhaustion finally telling as his shoulders sagged and his spirits dragged. It was still a shock to him as he felt the urgent desire to just toss his blood soaked scrubs into the basket and walk out. As much as his mind wanted to he still had patients to contend with. If he left he knew that the remaining young man would not have any chance to survive, and that he couldn’t allow.

His mind was in turmoil as he struggled with what he now had to face. Could he continue here knowing that the pride he had in his profession had been tainted by a few? Was he right to have forced the issue? He knew he was looking for a way out but damn it, these were his friends, his co-workers. How could they suddenly be less than human? It just didn’t make sense to him.

How many times had his own father, a Marine Colonel talked about the valour of the medics in combat? How they had crawled thru live fire and exploding bombs to aid fallen comrades and yet that same man condemned his own government for not tossing homosexuals out of the service. He claimed it would demoralize the troops, would make them less and for the life of him Bruce had never understood it. Now looking around the bustling hospital corridor he had some insight into it.

How would a medic react to a fallen comrade if he knew the person was gay? Would he let the bombs go unnoticed and try to save him or would he be like the few here tonight had been? Would knowing if a person was gay stop him as it seemed to stop his own team of trained professionals? It hurt to realize that for once in his life he might have been wrong, that taking the moral road of believing in man’s goodness was perhaps just so much crap. Man was a creature of habit and worse, was merely a higher intelligent animal but man still had the base self preservation instincts of all animals.

It was easy to rationalize that he thought as he struggled with his thoughts. They were frightened so they had backed off, but wasn’t those medics just as frightened by the bombs? Wasn’t any explosion the same, any automatic fire ripping the ground the same? Why then would it be more terrifying if the person needing help was gay? Why? What possible explanation could it be that would make a team of professionals not only balk at helping but actually look for a way to refuse?

How many strung out patients had come thru those very doors with no one refusing to help them? Certainly being drug users they too had a high risk of infectious diseases including HIV so why was it the ‘gay’ one’s who were ostracized and sent elsewhere? What was it that would make a highly respected doctor order two seriously injured young men to a certain death simply because of who they slept with?

His head felt heavy and his heart was in agony as Doctor Bruce struggled with the anger deep inside of himself. He knew his relationships here were tenuous at best now but something inside was refusing to let him accept defeat. He just couldn’t understand his fellow workers. It was a shock that made him wish that maybe he had never left New York and yet that wasn’t right either. Even there he knew such things like this happened. Only difference was that he worked in a place that had to take them. Here at Scripps it was maybe different, being a private hospital and not dependent on State funds.

Still, if he had stayed at New York he’d never have found Connor but now what? The doctor was certain to file a complaint against Connor and that would only be the beginning. How could he ignore the fact that Connor was right and yet wrong too. His own position would come into play and how could he defend Connor without compromising his own position? Could he even defend him? Hell any second rate first year law student would make hay out of his association with Connor. It wouldn’t be able to be kept a secret either and what would that do for his position here? Hell what would it do for Connor’s?

The more he dwelled on it the more frightened he became. There was so much at risk here and yet somehow he knew he wasn’t being given much of a choice. If he ignored what had gone on he’d lose out not just with Connor, but with himself. How could he live with himself if he tried to hush this up even if he could? There was little doubt that the local gay community wouldn’t let it go once they found out, and so here he was, in the middle of what could become a nasty war.

Dr Bruce sighed as he took the chart and headed towards the waiting room. Somehow he just knew that it wasn’t going to get any easier for him as he headed out of the restricted hallway. His heart was heavy as he felt the angry looks of some, questioning looks of others but what made him sad was that he didn’t feel any encouraging or sympathetic looks.

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The patrolman kept his voice non committal and his face impassive as he asked his questions of the group in the room. He could feel their anger and their concern too. He had seen the one victim they called Marvin and from his few years of experience he knew that he would likely not make it. It never got easier but then too, these gay’s shouldn’t flaunt it so much. It only riled some up which wasn’t an excuse for them, just that well it was like a white red neck sure as hell didn’t go walking alone thru the black slums of town if he wanted to survive the walk.

Inwardly he sighed a little as he realized that the press would turn this into something else. It pissed him off how they would take something and make it into this huge nasty affair. Okay, so people got beaten up, some even die from it but it didn’t make the whole damn city racist did it? Yet that was how the press would show it.

Course you’d get some damn politician out there making some claim about the police too, it never failed specially in an election year. Then there were the activists who looked for reasons to rev folks up and make them feel angrier than needed. If only all these idiots would let the Police do their jobs, then maybe this shit wouldn’t happen so often or get out of hand.

It was tough enough to get the criminals without being under some damn spotlight. All that the press would do would be to get people more angry, make targets of other people who wouldn’t be targets and it would be up to him and his fellow officers to sort out. Why he wasn’t sure because the way the courts were today most of those caught would wind up free anyhow. It just didn’t make sense but then maybe he was a bit jaded. After all these gays didn’t realize how scary it was for people like him when they had to search them. God to think of being poked by a needle or something and then spend an eternity wondering if you were infected?

Still he had a job to do so he squared his shoulders as he thanked the one and moved on to get the statement from the last remaining person. He saw the way the youth stood and for a brief second he felt the boy’s pain. In that one single moment he wished he could help but he knew that there was nothing he could do. For just an instant he forgot he was a policeman and instead was a father who saw his own son hurting.

The moment passed but it left him feeling slightly unsettled. The tall youth had not moved and yet he could see the slight tremble of his shoulders each time the boy took a breathe. There was no mistaking where his focus was either as he just stood there, almost like a rock. For one brief millisecond he wished he could just hug the boy and tell him it would all be okay but that moment passed too, leaving him a bit confused.

Can I get your name please?

He waited for an answer not certain if the youth had heard him or not. He was so still and yet staring at him he could tell there was a strange battle going on inside of the boy. Again he asked his question and this time he got an answer. It shook him as he heard the dull lifeless voice respond and it gave him a small chill that raced up and down his spine. It felt like he was talking to a dead person.

Is that with two b’s?

Yes.

Okay, now I know this isn’t easy, but is there anything you can tell me about the attackers?

No.

I see, no facial features like scars or tattoos or maybe they had some logo on their clothes? Anything that could help?

Ashley turned away from looking at the hallway where Terry had disappeared down. He saw the man in green slowly coming towards him and he felt like the whole world was about to end for him. His face turned towards the policeman and all he saw was an empty face swathed in dark blue.

Ask all those who were watching, Maybe they can give you what they were wearing or if they had scars. They had enough time to draw them even, so ask them, I can’t help you. I can’t.

Yes, well we are asking them, but you might have seen something they didn’t.

There are a lot of things I saw that they didn’t but what use is that? They didn’t know Terry, they didn’t see how he would laugh at a joke, they didn’t see how he would worry if I had a frown or was late coming off shift. Yeah there are lots of things they didn’t see, like that Terry was a person, a human being just like them… no, I take that back, Terry wasn’t like them.. he was a man, not like all them. He cared, he cared…

Excuse me, is there anyone here who is related to Terry Jamison?

I am

You are related?

I am his partner.

I see.

Do you?

Yes, your name is?

Ashley, Ashley Gibbons.

I am Doctor Bruce Collier, Chief of ER here.

Is Terry okay?

This wasn’t the first time he had to give guarded information, it was never easy for him to look at family or friends to say what he had to say and yet he never quite felt this scared, this upset about it. In some ways it was like doing it for the first time.

No I am afraid he isn’t, uh, he is in critical condition I am afraid.

Is he… is he going to die?

I don’t know… I wish I could be more positive but, well he sustained massive cranial damage as well as other internal damage. I have repaired what I could, he’s up in ICU right now but… well it is out of our hands really.

He is going to die.

It wasn’t a question, it was as if the young man knew. Dr Collier stared at the floor as he tried to find the right words, knowing in his own heart that really Terry didn’t stand much of a chance. He had seen miracles happen and for the life he couldn’t explain why, but he hoped this would be one of those times. Yet even as he tried to hold onto that thought he felt the hopelessness of it all.

We don’t know that. but, well I won’t try to give you false hope. He is young and seems in reasonable health, so he might be able to hang on but he took a lot of damage. It is just too early to say.

Can I see him.

Well, he is unconscious and it could be a long time before he wakes up, if he even does. I know this isn’t easy to hear, but there is just no way of knowing which way this will go.

I need to be with him.

Yes, well I’ll see what I can do but right now I need to know if he has any family.

Family? I am his family, we are...

Yes well to him and you perhaps, but, well the hospital requires something bit more than that, a father or mother or sibling? Does he have blood relations that we can contact? Here or elsewhere?

Why?

They have to give permission for treatment for him, authorize surgery if more is needed and medications. We also need to get his medical history to see if there is anything there that could impede a possible recovery, so does he have any living relatives around here?

Can’t I do that?

For a second the two held each other’s gaze. Bruce could see the sudden realization dawning on the boy’s face and instead of anger or such he saw only a deep pain cross the boy’s face. He felt it as his own heart suddenly throbbed but he had no choice.

No, I am afraid not. I am sorry, I know this isn’t easy but…

I get it… he has a brother.

Okay, how can we contact him? It really is important that we get in touch as soon as possible.

I don’t know… I think he works at Marine World or something like that.

Do you know his name?

Paul… Paul Jamison. His picture was in the paper I think last week, please, can’t this wait? I need to see Terry, let me see him, please.

Well, I think right now it would be best if you waited here or even if you went home. There really isn’t anything you can do and…

No… no I can’t go home, please… I won’t be in the way. I have to be with him, please Doctor…

There really isn’t anything you can do for him Mr Gibbons, I assure you, we’ll call you if there is any change in his condition but…

NO! He is my lover… why won’t you let me see him? He is dead isn’t he? You just don’t want me to know…

No, no he isn’t dead but he is in critical condition. It isn’t a pretty sight and really, there just anything you can do.

How do you know? I can sit with him, let him know I am there for him, he needs me, can’t you see that? I can’t just leave him… he doesn’t know you, please…

Bruce Collier didn’t know why it was hard for him to look at Ashley, but it was. He kept turning away each time he tried to look at the worried face as if he was ashamed of something. It didn’t make sense or maybe it did. Maybe it was simply that he knew there really wasn’t much hope but he couldn’t say that, could he?

Visitors were usually determined by family and yet who was better to be with the patient? Was it right to deny Ashley what may very well be his last chance to be with his lover? Bruce had seen this before but had never done anything and yet somehow tonight, things had changed for him. He didn’t know yet how much they had changed but he finally managed to look Ashley squarely in the face.

Their eyes met and he could feel the boy’s terror. It was real and his own body shook a little because despite the overwhelming terror that came at him he could still feel the boy’s obvious love for his fallen lover. If anything it felt more powerful than the fear that came at him. Still he felt frightened by it as he looked deep down into Ashley’s very soul, or so it seemed.

Officer do you have any further need of this young man?

Uh no, no I don’t.

Okay Mr Gibbons, you win, come with me. Officer, can you please try to track down the brother? It really is urgent.

Yes Doctor I’ll have dispatch get onto it right away.

The police officer watched as the Doctor led Ashley out of the waiting room. He still felt strangely moved by all he had heard but he had a job to do. He reached for his radio mike on his shoulder when a hand touched his shoulder. He stared at the tall man who had intervened in the attack.

Yes?

His brother has been contacted.

How do you…

I didn’t want to upset Ashley, a friend of ours has gone to get him. Ashley doesn’t know…

Oh… I see.

No, no you don’t see, his brother doesn’t know Terry is… is…

A homosexual?

No, that he is here.

I see, sorry. Look Mr Hardy, I don’t mean to be an ass, I have a job to do.

Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a little compassionate either, does it?

Now look, I am merely doing…

I am sorry, forgive me, its not easy to see your friends getting hurt like that, worse when you see so many standing around that could have helped, maybe even saved them.

Well, we don’t know that, or that they won’t make it either. Have a little faith Mr Hardy, the docs here are pretty damn good.

I am sure they are Officer, but their lives are in God’s hands and it is in him I don’t have much faith in anymore.

He stared at the tall man uncertain what to do or say to such a comment. For a moment he felt angry that one of them could speak of God that way and yet he had to admit, that at times it all did seem rather pointless. So much had gone on lately and he wasn’t sure just who’s side God was on. Still, it irked him as he struggled to contain his own anger. It was beyond him why things happened that did but he always had this notion that there was some divine plan. Yet standing here now he had to question what kind of plan could it be where innocent young men were beaten to near death, while others merely watched?

That isn’t going to help anyone Mr Hardy, you are just upset which is quite natural and…

Upset? No… maybe I was earlier Officer, but no. I have just seen too much… I am sorry, I guess you mean well.

I am sorry.

I know, thank you.

The officer just stared at the tall man and then without any other words he left. This wasn’t the first time he had to attend such a scene and yet in a weird way he thought he had felt it more. He couldn’t quite understand it but he knew that something had touched him that scared him. For the first time in a long time he actually felt his faith weakened a bit, a strange doubt was inside that he hadn’t experienced before.

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He wasn’t sure if it was a fog rolling in or the mist from his eyes but staring out at the passing lights he saw an eerie glow that frightened him. It made him feel chilled and yet he knew it was just him. He couldn’t even turn his face to stare out the front window of the truck let alone turn to look at Rob who was driving. His mind was reeling from the news that not only was Terry hurt but that Rob knew Terry. It made him angry and he blamed Rob for not telling him.

Maybe if he had he could have called Terry, could have changed or altered Terry’s routine enough that maybe he wouldn’t have been in that spot at that time. As much as he wanted to believe it, as much as his head continued to blame Rob for it in his heart he knew it wasn’t true. Even if Rob had told him last night would he have called? Would he really have reached out?

The truth made his heart ache with each breathe that he took because he knew he was a coward. If he had known he would have found a way to put it off, to not reach out. It was what he had done ever since Terry had walked away from the house so long ago. He simply hadn’t gone that extra foot to reach out. The fear that Terry would reject him was just another excuse to rationalize his own failure at being a good big brother. He had failed and now it could be too late.

Paul blinked as he tried to come to terms with the swirling emotions that were consuming him. He hated to be so out of control and yet he knew that for one brief moment he had wanted to strike out, to hit Rob, to hurt him like he had imagined himself to be hurt. Trouble was that he knew Rob was hurting as much if not more than he was. How could that be and yet inside he knew the truth. It was perhaps what had made him push Terry aside from his thoughts too, and now it was all coming back to haunt him.

Terry had always had a way of trusting people, of letting them get close or being able to let them think they were. Still whenever they were together before, there always was something that held them together, that made Paul feel special in a way he hadn’t experienced until he met Rob. It was strange to sit here, riding towards God only knew what, but somehow having Rob next to him made it all seem manageable. Odd how he could think that and yet his mind continue to try and find ways to blame Rob for all this.

As his mind struggled with the conflict his heart looked back to times that he had almost forgotten. His eyes grew heavy with the memories of times just staring out at the black sky and feeling so at peace just because Terry was sitting next to him. There was the time when he thought for sure his father would beat him for some forgotten transgression and Terry had found a way to ease the apprehension. It wasn’t anything dramatic or thought provoking, just a smile, a pat on the back that made Paul feel like he could take whatever the old man dished out.

They were always like that back then. Going out to swim and play in the water you’d sometimes think that they had a carefree home life. Still it was the way Terry would talk, the way he always encouraged Paul and never asked for much back. In many ways Terry had been more the big brother than Paul.

Now he may never have the chance to tell Terry how he really felt about him. Now he might never have the opportunity to renew their friendship that he had allowed to drift away. That was what made him so nervous and angry too. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but his. He had taken the easy road and now he might never have the chance to just hold his brother in his arms again, to tell him that he loved him and missed him.

Paul could feel Rob’s eyes looking at him on occasion as the truck moved quickly towards the hospital. He knew he should say something but what? He still felt like he wanted to blame him but that anger was turning more inwards with each passing light pole. Still what could he say? How could he tell Rob that he was scared of what lay just ahead? How could he show a stranger how weak he really was?

His body trembled a bit as the truck turned a corner and he could see the hospital building now coming into view. It was only a matter of minutes before he would have to face the reality of life. At last he would come face to face with his worst nightmares. In his heart he had always known that there would be a time when he’d have to own up to his own failures, but why did it have to come now? He had been so close to finally taking that step, to finally reaching out and in a flash it was being taken from him. Why couldn’t Rob have told him last night but then, if he had and he had done nothing, would he be better for it?

So many doubts, so many questions and above it all he couldn’t help but think that there wasn’t going to be a second chance. Deep down inside he felt the hopelessness of it all and that he had probably waited too long. Paul didn’t think he could face that reality and yet as the truck came to a stop outside the emergency doors he knew it no longer was his to control. He had lost that chance and it was all up to God. It gave him no comfort at all as he stared at the big red letters of the neon emergency sign.

Can I come in with you?

The sound of the pain wracked voice penetrated his mind at last and with a great deal of effort he managed to turn around to face Rob. He could see the streaks the tears had left down his cheeks as he looked at the young man. His heart quaked for a second as he felt the tortured pain that Rob was feeling. It held him as he looked at the face, seeing the pain as if it was something tangible.

Are you sure you want to?

I have to.

Have to? Why?

I fucked up Paul, I know you are mad at me, I know I should have told you but… but I can’t run from it, I have done too much of that before, I can’t do it now, not with you.

Me? But…

I know it doesn’t make sense or even matter, it is just that, well, I have to. I won’t go in if you say not to, but please don’t ask me not to. Please…

Paul didn’t know what to say. Inside he felt confused and yet the fear that was reaching for him was suddenly held in check. It was like it had been before with him and Terry as kids and yet different too. This wasn’t brotherly affection or support and for one instant he felt a stirring of hope inside of him. If Rob could still feel for him, maybe it wasn’t all darkness? Perhaps Terry wasn’t hurt as bad as Rob thought?

For just a moment or two he felt like maybe he had made too much of all this. In some ways his mind was trying to convince him that things weren’t as bad as he thought. Yet the pain in his chest told him otherwise, the pain that only a brother could feel. Deep down in his soul he knew that his chance to reconcile with Terry was passing from his grasp.

Tears came to his face as he realized that he needed Rob to come with him. Why he couldn’t really say but he just knew inside that he needed him. The anger was finally diminished as he lowered his head and nodded at Rob. He couldn’t speak the words yet inside he could tell that Rob understood him. The pain he felt was now for Terry as he stood up and stared at the building where his future rested with his past.

------

The room was filled with machines and tubes. Wires run all over the place from machine to machine to the still body on the raised bed. His heart groaned in agony as he stared at the wild macabre scene of machinery that greeted his eyes. His body shook with fear as he slowly walked into the glass walled room. Ashley could smell the disinfectant that permeated the room but all he could do was stare at the wild jumble of equipment that was all over the place, all connected in some wild spaghetti type manner to the prone inert body on the bed.

On either side he saw tall thin stands holding shaking bags of liquid that all led down to a machine and then to either outstretched arm of the battered body in the bed. White bandages surrounded the head but Ashley could see small wisps of dark hair curling out from underneath. Small pink splotches were on one side as his eyes recoiled from the horror laid out before him.

The cold sound of a small peep echoed with regular annoyances while every few seconds he could hear the soft whirr of a machine as it started then stopped. His eyes stared out at the unmoving body and yet the tubes all seemed to pulse with each new sound. Off to one side stood a short lady in green who merely looked up at him for a second before turning away to stare at a machine with some strange numbers flashing across it. His heart grew cold as he came further into the room. His eyes glanced over the naked body that was stretched out spread eagled on the bed. A thin green cloth covered the genitals but that was all that was covered.

He moved a step back as he saw the dark purple bruises on the legs and across Terry’s side where the white bandages didn’t cover. His heart grew even colder as he stared at the face that seemed so pale, so lifeless that it made him turn to look at the Doctor at his side to be assured that Terry still lived. His pain only became more intense as he dragged his own unwilling body into the brilliantly lit room.

The sounds of the machines made his temples throb and added to his fear as he felt the tears welling up. His heart cried out as he tried to beg Terry to wake up, to look at him but the face was impassive, lifeless in its pallor. How could he look so devoid of life and yet be alive he wondered as he moved closer.

For a moment he wanted to turn and run away. He wanted to just turn and run as fast as he could until he couldn’t run anymore. Panic gripped his heart as he feared the worst, knowing it as well as he knew his own name. There was nothing he could do, nothing that could change what was in front of him yet he found the courage to hold back the urge, to deny it as his foot moved one more step closer to the bed and to Terry.

Anger welled up inside but was quickly drowned out by his fear of losing Terry. He couldn’t stand it if Terry didn’t pull through this and inside he felt it was up to him. As long as he held onto Terry, onto the promise they had made each other things would work out, they just had to he thought as he finally came to the edge of the bed and so to Terry.

He could feel the eyes burning into his back from the Doctor as well as the one’s from the nurse who stood across from him. Ashley didn’t care what they thought as he moved closer, his fingers haltingly reaching out to touch the cold flesh of Terry’s own hand. He felt the pain racing inside of him as he let his fingers run gently across the lifeless tips of Terry’s and then he moved inwards, his heart thundering with each breathe.

Ashley bent forwards and lightly let his lips brush against the thin cold mouth. He felt nothing in return but his heart beat wildly to the touch of Terry’s lips against his. He stood back up, his hand now wrapped lightly around Terry’s own hand. He felt nothing but coldness as he stood there, thinking of how much he needed Terry, of how much he loved him and how empty his own life would be without Terry there. His heart cried as the pain from his lover came to his own body.

It was almost as if he could feel it all happening. His eyes closed tightly as he held onto Terry’s limp hand. In the memory of his heart he could see Terry smiling at him, looking at him with that small little grin that always signalled him that Terry was in the mood. Ashley felt his body stiffen in the groin as he could smell Terry’s scent, feel almost his gentle caress from the night before. It all came flashing across his mind but just as it came so too came the other memories now.

From some unknown place he could see the huge fist coming at him. He could feel its blow and the pain it caused as the jaw bone broke into two. His body stiffened and his shoulders grew rigid as he felt the large black boot come crushing down on his chest, the glimmering steel toe suddenly rearing back and then coming full force to crash effortlessly into the soft flesh of the sides.

Ashley felt each blow and could see it in the dark recess of his mind as his hand clenched tightly to Terry’s. The pain was intense as he willed his body to stand still, to ignore the blows and fight thru them. He prayed for help as he struggled to reach beyond the harsh barrier of pure pain that now stood between him and Terry. Hatred for the attackers grew inside and yet he couldn’t seem to get past the pain. It only looked to be growing with each passing second.

A sense of desperation came to him as he tried to break past the barrier that stood between him and Terry. His breath grew shallow as he tried to dredge up the memories of his first meeting Terry. His mind was blank but in his heart he could feel the love struggling to break out. He felt his body grow hard as he dug down deep inside, willing his love to come to his aid and slowly he felt the warmth growing within his heart. Ever so slowly he could feel the cold slinking away and the heaviness ease ever so slightly.

Slowly the sounds of the room once more intruded on him. His eyes blinked open as he stared out at the Nurse across from him. She had her head down as she was once more merely checking the flashing digital readouts. His body shook a little as he glanced down at his hand. He had thought he was holding Terry’s hand but it was merely resting on the wrist now. Yet as he looked down he saw the whiteness of his knuckles and wondered what had happened.

Are you certain you want to stay here?

The words penetrated his closed mind. With a great deal of effort he managed to turn his face away from the body of his lover to look over at the Doctor. It didn’t have any real effect on him as he just looked at him blankly. The man just didn’t get it or maybe he did? Maybe he knew but didn’t or couldn’t say?

Yes

Doctor Collier heard the softly spoken word and inside he knew what it was before it could register on his mind. There was no mistaking the love that the boy had for his patient. As his eyes had scanned the various machines and their readings he knew in his heart that things weren’t going well. There really wasn’t much more he could do except try to spare this boy the final scenes that would eventually be played out.

He reached out and rolled the tall swivel chair up towards the bed near Ashley. With a shake of his head at the Nurse he let the chair rest beside Ashley as his eyes fell upon the lifeless face on the bed. He looked so young even though most of his features were hidden by the swathe of bandages around his head. Drs Bruce could tell that the swelling hadn’t gone down yet and more than likely he’d have to go in soon to release the pressure on the brain. How much the patient could stand of these procedures was only a guess but the vital signs had not improved. In fact they were weaker.

Ashley felt the chair against his body but he couldn’t take his eyes off of Terry. By touch he managed to let the chair come up and sat down in it. He reached out with his hand and brought Terry’s cold one to rest on his knees. Both of his own hands now covered Terry’s limp one. Again the cold blast came rushing up his spine towards his heart. The pain came roaring out at him but this time he didn’t feel any blows, any kicks. He sucked in his breath as he closed his eyes, silently calling Terry’s name from deep down within his soul.

“I love you” was all he could think of as he let his head slowly sink down. His chin rested on his chest as his eyes blurred from the tears that now dripped down onto his shirt. His hands held the cold hand as his soul cried out and his heart battled the cold that threatened it. There was nothing else he could do as he silently begged Terry to come back to him, to once more give him life for he knew that without Terry he couldn’t live.

With one final effort he summoned up the love he had for Terry to fight against the dark barrier that rested between him and Terry. With images of Terry’s smile, with memories of his touch he lifted up his face to stare over at the lifeless body. His tears dripped down from his face onto his own hands and then slowly trickled down between his fingers to finally soak into the cold lifeless flesh of Terry’s hand. “God I love you, please don’t leave me, I love you, I do, I do” was all he could think of as the cascading tears continued unabated.

From deep within his soul he felt the love growing and coming forwards. He prayed it would come in time as the cold continued to grow within but as he thought more and more of Terry, the more his love came rushing upwards. The more he recalled his smile, his grin, the faster his love began to warm his body and the steadier his heart beat. The wild panic driven thunder of his heart now calmed down and the cold no longer grew inside.

At last he could focus once more on Terry as his body no longer fought his will. At last he mastered the doubts inside and he now bent his will towards Terry and that dark barrier that still stood between him and his love. His hands held tightly onto Terry’s as his will struggled to beat back the barrier of pain and despair. His heart beat firmly as it was now fully cradled in the bond of love that had existed between Terry and him.

Once more he could see the heavy fist rearing up to strike at him. Once more he could see the steel toe being raised backwards before being sent into the soft flesh but this time he held himself steady. This time he didn’t flinch or feel the urge to run and hide. This time he held steady as he let his love for Terry surround him. The fist came crashing down but it bounced off, the toe kicked out but banged off to the side deflected from its path. His love was there now, the bond that had grown between him and Terry now stood guard over him like a suit or impenetrable armour. He felt the power of his love warming his body as he stared down at the white hand held between his own. He felt the love as it caressed his aching heart and crying soul.

The darkness in front no longer looked deep and heavy as his love continued to feed him strength. He felt the pain and even welcomed it, willing it to come to him so as to leave Terry alone and yet as it rushed at him, it had no effect on his heart. Strongly he felt the love holding his heart steady and now the sounds of laughing voices grew in his head.

Steadily he could hear the soft lap of water coming ashore and at last he let his head lift up from his chest. At last he dared to let his eyes once more stare out at Terry’s broken body. He felt the love rushing out and at last the darkness seemed broken. It was falling before his eyes now as he recognized the voices, knowing it was his and Terry’s. His heart steadied as he stared at Terry. The sound of the machines grew but he ignored them. All he wanted was to hear the laughter again, to feel the warm gentle touch of Terry’s hand run down the side of his face.

His will reached out thru the broken shards of darkness as his love rose and covered them both. Ashley felt the patter of his heart beating loudly and next to it he could hear the slow but constant beat of another. His eyes filled with tears as he stared with nothing but love in his heart and once more he felt the beat growing next to his own. Once more he slowly felt his body surrender to the power of their love. His eye lids closed but he still stared at Terry, still looked deep down past the waves of pain and horror until he finally reached the small flickering ember that was Terry’s soul.

Ashley felt the pain wash over him and he continued to welcome it, to let it come to him and give Terry the respite he so desperately needed. Ashley felt his body go limp as his head leaned back and he settled into the chair, his hand softly caressing the back of Terry’s. He could feel some warmth now as he let his heart free, and now as he sat there he could see it all.

Without a flinch he could see each blow coming, feel its strike and even more than that he could see the glittering hatred that oozed from the attacker’s eyes. He saw their evil for what it was but he smiled, knowing that it would soon pass and it did. Standing there on the other side was Terry. It was all he had wanted and his smile grew wider as he saw the opened arms.

He had no idea how or why he was seeing this. His heart no longer let the mind rule and once more he was letting his love control it all. He could see the grin on Terry’s face now and even the scars too. He saw the curved little red line that ran from Terry’s brow to just below his jaw line. It gave Terry a rakish look that only made Ashley fall deeper in love with Terry. The mystique was there, the way he stood on the golden sand of the beach.

It had to be a dream his mind said but his heart merely laughed. This couldn’t be real because he was sitting in a hospital room or so his mind tried to say but the beat of his heart told him otherwise. Ashley stepped forward now, feeling the soft warm grains of sand between his toes. This was no dream he said to himself as he stared down.

He glanced upwards to see the tall palm trees blowing gently in a sweet gentle wind. He could smell the fragrance of exotic blooms as he took another step forward to the outstretched arms of his lover. Terry was there and he could see him clearly. The ravages of his beating still showing but in a way that only made Ashley feel pride and joy. Terry was there, waiting for him and as he moved he turned to stare at the new surrounding.

Off behind him was the ocean and he could see the sun glinting off its brilliant blue. The high peak of an outcrop of land showed that he was standing on a beach within a lagoon of some sort. The sand was warm to his bare feet as he realized that he was standing there with nothing but a pair of shorts on. His arms were bare and pale but as he stood there, he saw how golden and bronzed Terry looked. It was obvious to his heart that Terry had been here longer, waiting and once more the joy filled his thoughts. Terry did wait for him and it made him grin back and even wave.

Sounds now mingled with the warm aroma of a tropical island. He could hear the wind blowing through the fronds of the palm trees, and the gentle swish of water lapping up on the beach. There was also the shrill joyous cry of birds off in the distance as he walked slowly forwards, afraid his mind might be right and yet certain it couldn’t be. This had to be real, it was too vivid to be otherwise.

------

Doctor Bruce signalled for the nurse to be quiet. He motioned her to come to him as he stood there watching his patient and the lover. It didn’t seem to make sense to him but ever since Ashley grasped Terry’s hand the heart monitor showed an increase in strength. It wasn’t much but it was something. He couldn’t explain it as he watched Ashley slowly sink back into the chair and strange grin come over his face.

The tears had ceased. It made him pause as he saw the way the lifeless body grew richer in colour. It was still white and pale but a tint of pink showed in the legs and arms. A sign that circulation was happening but nothing else. There was no movement of the toes, of the fingers and yet standing there he wasn’t certain of that.

For one brief second he thought he had seen a flicker in the eyelids, a brief motion but it could have been any number of reasons. Yet it was when Ashley’s tears had fallen to the still hand. Could there be something to it or was he falling into the trap of wishful thinking? All of his training and experience told him that at best Terry would survive but only on assisted machine power. The damage was too severe though it wasn’t clear yet how severe. If only the swelling would ease he might know more, but for now his instincts told him there was little if any hope for Terry recovering.

There was brain damage, how permanent was a guess but an educated one. Maybe one in ten thousand or more managed to survive such trauma and lead close to a normal life. Most of those who did beat the odds usually never regained their mental capabilities and at best were like newborn babies. Then too there was the damage to the kidneys. If they restarted soon perhaps Terry would have a chance but if not it would mean dialysis for as long as he lived or until the kidneys totally quit.

The list went on in his mind as he stared at Terry lying there and at the blond boy who held his hand. Yet despite all that he knew, he couldn’t help but wonder what was happening that he couldn’t see. Ashley was off asleep or was it maybe something deeper than that? Could there be a connection between the two that no machine or human eye could see? Drs Bruce shook his head as he quietly came back to reality. Life wasn’t about fairytales and he knew that Ashley had merely fallen into a deep sleep. The body had a way of switching off when needed. There was no mystery to it, no secret and he sighed feeling the hopelessness of it all.

He wrote his instructions on the chart, including his permission for Ashley to remain there for as long as he wanted or as often as he wanted. It was the least he could do he thought as he turned to face the rest of the night and the other pressing issues that would surely come to him that night. He still had to talk to Connor and worse, to decide what he would do about his colleagues. If it wasn’t all over the hospital by now it would be in short order he thought as he turned his back on the sleeping boy and the comatose patient. Least they would be spared that he thought as he walked towards the elevator.

 

 

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