Religion is for All Who Believe,
Including Homosexuals.

Chapter 14

Terry was walking fast, at times even breaking into a jog as he tried to make up time. He knew Ashley would be worrying and it hurt him knowing that. He still was not used to feeling so concerned over another person but inside he knew it was all part of loving someone and being loved back. God it felt good but then too so did finally allowing himself to feel all this.

He could feel the bulky envelope in his front pocket and while he was still terrified that Paul wouldn’t reply to it, he knew that eventually he’d come to terms with that too. After all no matter what happened, he had Ashley’s love to carry him through. That was what mattered and knowing that helped him believe that Paul would eventually come around, though he doubted he’d have to wait long for that. Somehow, just writing everything out had made him realize that no matter what, they were still brothers, nothing would alter that.

What they had years ago might not exist now, but the bond they had then hadn’t left. They were still brothers in every sense of the word so maybe it might take time to reconnect, but he felt confident that they would. Funny how just telling someone how much you missed them and loved them could change your whole outlook. It was as if a great burden had been lifted and he only wished he had the nerve to have picked up the phone. To hear Paul’s voice again would be a high point , to see him again would be beyond amazing.

There had been times when he had doubted he’d ever see or hear from Paul again, yet something inside has always persisted, always told him it would happen. Now it was close and he could almost taste it. He wasn’t stupid though, he knew there would be some tense moments, but Ashley had been right. They had something back then that nothing could ever erase or change, the fact that they cared for each other unconditionally then would see them thru this now. It helped him as he realized that was what existed between him and Ashley too.

He was coming close to the bar now but there seemed to be something going on just near the front entrance. A small group of people were across the street pointing and looking rather odd. It probably were some fag haters he thought pointing out the queers going in but as he came closer the sounds became clearer. Fear clutched at his heart as he heard the animal type growls and jeers from the people across the street. His eyes moved over to them, his senses suddenly raising all sorts of warnings inside. He could feel the hate but also smelled the fear that suddenly seemed to be all around him.

Terry slowed down as he came closer where another smaller group were moving around, off the sidewalk and more on the road itself. He saw them dancing in a strange gyration that made his heart freeze with absolute fear. His gait slowed as the words came to him, the angry hateful words of faggot, queer, cocksucker, assplugger, and others. They were words he was used to but it was the vehemence in which they were being spat out that held his heart in fear. He could feel the icy tentacles wrapping around him as his eyes peered at the three milling figures doing their weird little dance in front of the bar.

He glanced quickly towards the other side of the street and saw the way some looked. There was a strange glint in some of the faces, an eerie glow aided by the harsh glare of the street lamps but there was no mistaking the look. It was one of glee, almost complete exhilaration even. Perhaps in one or two faces there was some sadness and even disgust but the most part were strangely happy at what they were witnessing.

Terry turned to see a few people hurry on past the dancing trio with their heads strangely downcast as they walked past then quickly turning to stare back at the wild little dance. In their eyes he could see the same glee in a few and absolute fear in others as they hurried past and down the street.

The loud anger came to him as he drew closer and then he saw the figure writhing on the cement pavement. He saw the body in a fetal position as the legs of the dancers struck out at it. He saw the dark liquid that seemed to shine in the light and darken in the darkness. His stomach twisted and he felt himself close to throwing up as he realized that it was a person on the ground.

He heard the angry spiteful words but he could hear the cried too that came from the ground. They sounded so pitiful and mournful as if they were actually come up from way beneath the darkened pavement. He felt the pain as he heard the crunch of flesh being smacked by the toe of a boot by one of the dancing trio. His eyes widened as he stopped in his tracks to see the three men who were circling the fallen person.

The guy on the ground looked liked minced hamburger. There was no way to recognize his face as his red stained hands still tried to cover his face, the white of bone showing in one. The cry of pure pain echoed loudly as one of the men landed a solid hard blow to the side of the person’s head. He could hear it strike and felt the heave in his stomach as his mind became numbed by the sight before him. People were still passing by and yet no one seemed willing to stop, to help or even comment.

His eyes moved towards the crowd and then back to the three men. He heard once more the words, die faggot, die you queer as the feet once more struck out at the fallen figure. He saw the body jolt and rise up off the ground as several hard kicks landed squarely. The anger inside broke as he felt each kick as if they were aimed at him, which in a sense they were.

STOP IT he cried out as his hand was twisting around one of the three men’s shoulder. His anger had moved him off the sidewalk and he was desperate now as he felt the surprise in the one’s body. He managed to pull him away and push him aside as he flung back with his hand, moving forward to reach one of the others. His heart was beating wildly as he tore into the two remaining men, catching one totally off guard. His fist found the soft flesh and then connected to solid bone. He heard the crunch as his hand felt a jolt and pain lanced up his arm.

His wild charge had momentarily stopped the dance but as he felt the second man stagger he saw the third ready himself. This one wouldn’t be easy as he turned and managed to block his first strike. His own hand already sore and tingling struck out but was also blocked. His eyes were glued to the man’s face, remembering every detail of it, seeing the hatred leaping out at him from the dark eyes under the bushy eyebrows.

As he moved in closer he didn’t see the blow coming. The first man had recovered and had moved in to help his partner in hate. The blow surprised Terry as it was a solid chop just under the back of his neck. The pain was intense and he staggered as the third man reared back with his hand landing a full hard punch squarely into Terry’s face. Terry saw it coming but as it hit all he could hear was the sneering words ‘faggot’.

The pain in his body from the two blows dropped him to his knees just as the first man who had come from behind landed a hard kick to the small of Terry’s back. He felt the jarring hit as he fell forward smashing his face onto the pavement. All he could think of was that thank God Ashley wasn’t here, at least he’d be spared this as he tried to move out of the way of the big boot that now loomed over his head. He saw the deep treads of the boot, not black but red from the other person that they had been kicking.

He rolled but failed to get totally out of the way. The side of the boot crashed down catching the side of his face, ripping at the flesh and tearing it. The pain was intense but he was starting to feel numb from all of it. His hands moved up to flail aimlessly at the passing foot and his fingers managed to grab hold. He dug them in hard and tried to twist his hand but the sudden jolt of pain stopped him as another foot came crashing down on his wrist. He heard his bone snap and his eyes bulged open wide as now the blows were suddenly coming from all over.

Shit he thought, this isn’t working, why are they still standing there? Where is everyone? Can’t anyone hear the screams? His mind was numb and confused. So many people standing around but no one helping. He felt his body rise up off the pavement and then crash down, but it hit something soft, something unmoving. His head rolled to the side and he stared into the battered face of the other person. He saw the pain racing thru the face but he couldn’t even tell if there was life there or not. All he could think of was that it had stopped one more jolt of pain.

His body was jerking and yet all he could think about was to get up, to move out of the way and try to get away but he couldn’t control his limbs. They were screaming in pure agony and he couldn’t understand it. His eyes could barely focus as strange ghostly shapes began to fill his sight. His mouth was dry and yet wet too. All of his senses seemed out of whack and the feeling of motion came and went but to his mind he was stuck in one spot. The sounds were muffled now as he stared blankly outwards, wondering why he could see a two masted schooner in the middle of the street. He tried to clear his mind but it didn’t help. He saw some dolphins playing around the boat and he felt strangely calm.

He didn’t feel anything really, as the clouded images continued to swirl around him. It didn’t make sense as he wanted to get up, to take these three jerks on and teach them something but he couldn’t even see them now. Their faces were long since replaced by others. He could see Rob’s face but it was weird, it was mixed in with someone else’s. There was Ashley’s too but it looked so grey and dull, almost lifeless really and his heart skipped a beat. Poor Ashley, how could he be looking so unhappy? They were together so why was he so sad? Was it for the other guy maybe? Who was he he wondered as the sounds of a soft ocean wave lapping on a sandy beach made him relax.

God to live out on some island away from all these idiots, now that was something to work for. A place where he and Ashley could just walk along the beach, holding hands and kissing when they felt like it. Yeah that would be heaven he thought as he lay there, feeling the calm of a warm sun beaming down on his & Ashley’s body.

The pain no longer hurt him as he stared at the images of him and Ashley stretched out on some golden beach. He could see the fine blond hair on Ashley’s chest and his own hand twirling the fine strands. He could feel the love that held him close and as his eyes strayed he saw the dolphins playing in the crystal clear lagoon of their island hideaway. It was all so perfect that he could feel himself smiling.

He felt so calm, so at ease that he didn’t notice any darkness, didn’t feel any pain or regret as he just lay there, enjoying the love that now burned deeply inside of his body. He could see the glow from Ashley too and the face no longer looked pale and drawn. It was rich with a deep golden hue with the blue eyes sparkling with the love that was his. It was his piece of heaven and he reached out for it, feeling it drawing closer with each breathe that he took.

*****

The door opened so hard it startled Carl and then the wild voice calling down, fear in every syllable as the words echoed in the stairway. Carl’s heart froze as he stood there, mouth agape as the words penetrated his mind. As his body leapt forward his head turned to yell at the bar, commanding the bartender to call the police. The once boisterous crowd inside was stilled for only a moment before chairs scraped and men, old and young leapt to their feet. Carl could hear them behind him as he already was up the stairs at the door.

The harbinger of the news was flattened against the wall, his face showing his fear and panic. He was shivering but there was no time for him as Carl slammed the wide double doors open to stare out into the street. Just off to the side a bit he saw the three men kicking at two still lumps on the cold pavement of the street. The anger in his heart grew white hot as he felt the rage that had been bottled up inside for so long.

Too many times had seen friends laid to rest because of AIDS and all too often their final journey had been marred by small groups condemning them. Small groups of people led by so called moral leaders holding signs claiming God’s vengeance on the evil sinners was just and those living needed to repent. Too often he had suffered silently as people would gawk at him as he entered the large double doors to the bar, knowing in his heart what they were thinking.

All too often he had stood idly by while some punk had called him or someone he knew faggot or queer in passing, looking with absolute hatred on their faces as they passed. Too often he had walked and seen how his friends would hold hands until someone was approaching, then their heads would go down at the same time that their hands broke apart.

It all raged up inside of him now as he saw the three men kicking and laughing. He could hear their peals of joy with each landed kick but as he moved forward it was the sight of the small group across and near that finally broke his control. His eyes saw them, men in suits, men in uniform even, women in party dresses and all they were doing was watching. Some had a gleam or sheen to their faces as they watched, others were near throwing up but none moved a single step forward, not one even raised their voice in protest of the cruelty happening before them, they just stood watching as the pummelling continued.

The rage exploded into his heart and all reason was gone. In that instant he no longer felt human as his hand reared backwards. In that very second Carl banished God from within his heart and his fist struck out at the side of the head of the closest attacker. He felt his hard ham like fist strike into the side of the man’s face, felt the bone give and shudder as the force of his rage was behind the blow.

He could see the man stagger forward like a drunk coming out of a bar. He careened into the second man sending him sprawling onto the pavement. Carl could hear the curses of the second man as he wheeled around and struck upwards with all of his fury at the third man who was still startled by the sudden loss of his two cohorts.

Carl saw the face jerk upwards as the force of his blow caught the man squarely on the chin. He saw him lift up off his feet as all of Carl’s anger flowed from within to the very edge of his large fist. He heard bone crunch and teeth snap as the force of the blow threw the third man up and off. Blood sprayed his face but he ignored it. The sound of the 3rd man landing hard on the cold stained pavement gave him no satisfaction as he moved forward, seeing the man’s hateful eyes glaring at him, seeing the man realize suddenly that this was no easy mark and that the advantage was no longer his.

He called to his cohorts but the crowd from the bar had come up. His face turned to see the first man staggered by Carl’s blow being helped up by the second. He saw them look with white faces that still spat hate and anger but also showed their own fear now. The man Carl had knocked down slid himself back but not far enough as Carl came within reach. His huge foot came down hard on the outstretched hand that lay on the pavement and the sound of bones being crushed mingled with the man’s own shrill cry of utter pain and agony.

Carl’s face was mottled by anger and rage as he ground his foot into the pavement, the assailants hand beneath it. He heard the cries and didn’t flinch as his rage was fully in control. He stepped back as the man crawled further away, pain riddled his face as it fought with the hatred and anger the man had. Carl could see it all and all he could think about was lashing out, at causing more pain to this punk but just as he was about to reach down to pick the slime up and throw another large fist into his face the sound came to him.

It was a sob, one that reached past the rage inside his heart and made his whole six foot five inch frame shake with fear. It was the cry of a love suddenly lost that tore deep into him and in that moment his rage was held powerless. In that second God finally managed to reach back and seize the heart from the anger and hatred that had come to it. In just that one soft unbearable instant it all came to him and he turned away from the crawling broken man. His eyes shed the tears as he turned to the milling crowd now and the two silent figures sprawled across the pavement.

The wail of sirens could not be heard as the man behind him managed to get up and run towards the darkness, towards the place where his two compatriots had already fled. The people nearby stood silent still, watching the tall avenging giant allow the man to escape his fury and wrath. They stood in awe as they saw tears rolling down his face as he stared back at the man running, stared sadly at them and then moved to gaze once more on the carnage left behind.

Some from the bar were now close to him and moving past towards the fleeing man when he cried out telling them to stop. They listened as their own anger still flowed in their faces but he had commanded and somehow they found the courage to obey him. His eyes were filled with tears now as he prayed silently to his God, begging him for forgiveness and yet asking him why? Why had this happened? Why?

The sob came again and he dreaded what he would see as he walked towards the milling group from the bar. He saw Rob’s face now before him and looked at him. He peered into his eyes and saw the terror there, saw the anger too but more than that he saw the sorrow. His heart skipped a few beats as the dread weighed on him because he knew the voice, knew what he would find but still couldn’t accept it. He still felt the anger but not at those who had done the deed but at his God for creating them, for allowing them to show their hate.

It was tearing him inside as he tried to come to grips with who he was and what was all around him. He had truly believed in God and in turning the other cheek but that had gotten him nowhere. It had not ended the hate or even made a dent in it and now one of his own was down, one of his very few close one’s lay there sprawled on the cold pavement in his own blood.

The crowd parted, silent as Carl came to them. Tears and stifled sobs were all he could hear as he came to the fallen figures. Off to one side he saw the mangled body of one and despite the ripped and battered flesh he recognized him. He wasn’t anyone special, he came to the bar once in awhile but for the most part he kept to himself. Carl could barely recall his name but it came to him. His name was, or maybe had been Randy but it didn’t make the sight easier to accept or any less horrible or tragic. He was just one more name to be added to the list he thought, only though this time he felt ashamed of that, angered by it too. How many would have to be added to the list before it would stop? Would it ever stop he thought as he saw the twitch of the boy’s arm, praying that it wasn’t as serious as it looked yet knowing it was.

Carl didn’t want to look closer, the soft sobbing voice that came to his ears was one he was familiar with. He couldn’t bear to look but knew he had to as the sirens now cascaded all around him. He saw the reflection of the blue white lights reflected in the pavement and off the glass of the buildings around. He saw the red lights reflected off the faces too as the paramedic arrived with the police. He could hear the voices as the police strove to get a handle on what had happened but Carl knew that it was over, that nothing now could undo what had happened.

He looked down to see Ashley on his knees. His hair was matted and dishevelled as he clung tightly onto the beaten body of his love. Carl felt the hatred in his heart arise again as he stared at the blood splattered body that now rested tenderly in Ashley’s tight grip. He could hear the voice shaking as it called for Terry, begging him not to die, crying for his pain and worse, he could feel the pain itself in each sob and shudder of Ashley’s own voice.

The one bright spot in his life lay at his feet now, crushed and bleeding and barely recognizable even to him. The eyes looked dim and lifeless as they stared blankly it seemed at the world. The body was rocking as Ashley was swaying on his knees, holding Terry close and crying while at the same time urging him to hold on, begging him not to leave him, telling him he promised. It was almost too much as the paramedic came in and gently released Ashley’s hold on Terry’s almost lifeless body. He immediately began to call for things from his partner and Carl breathed a little, praying hard that God spare Terry, that he give him back his life that he had only just now begun to live. It wasn’t fair and he felt his anger but still he prayed, begging with his own heart urging God to give him this one, to not let the world take one more.

His eyes were filled with tears as he couldn’t bear it any more. He turned his face from the silent Ashley and the busy paramedic. He turned away only to stare at the other crumpled figure but there was no solace there. Instead he saw the other two paramedics standing there, looking down at the crumpled prone figure. No orders were being given and he could see the younger of the two swearing and arguing with the older one. The words carried to him and the flash of anger rose up again, his fists were balled tight as he glared over at them.

Before he could do anything he heard the angry bark from the paramedic at his feet. He saw the two men across jerk their heads towards them and the angry sneer on the older one only grew uglier as he yelled back. In a flash the assistant standing near him was suddenly racing over to the other prone figure, pushing aside the older man. With a yell Carl heard that he too was still alive. He heard the younger man bend down to help while his senior partner went back to the truck, muttering and shaking his head. Carl had seen it before but that didn’t make it any easier for him.

A policeman had moved in to replace the assistant who had gone to help poor Randy. He heard the one paramedic at his feet cursing as he tried to stem the flow of blood and get the patient stabilized. The officer tried but had no knowledge of what it was he was being asked for. Carl bent down on one knee and began to hand the fireman the items he asked for. The officer gratefully moved aside but still kept close, watching in fear at how the two men worked. More sirens sounded close as the work continued.

Terry’s body jerked and the paramedic cursed loudly. The officer sighed as he saw the body jerk in a spasm but Ashley moved over and suddenly had Terry’s head cradled in his lap. Don’t go he cried over and over again and just as the paramedic was about to say something the eyes opened on the blood soaked face. The paramedic moved in and quickly called for some vial of something or other but Carl was held immobile as he saw Terry’s eyes slowly become cognoscente of what was going on. He could see the sudden pain flash across Terry’s face as Ashley’s voice continued to cry for Terry. The lips tried to move but it was almost too much as the one hand jerked and Ashley quickly reached out for it. He brought it up to his lips and kissed it which made the spasms stop. The head turned slowly and Carl watched as Terry looked up into Ashley’s crying eyes. His own heart broke at the sight and tears flooded down his face as the paramedic began to get Terry ready for the ambulance.

*****

Time seemed to be moving at a snail’s pace. Every time he would glance at his watch it was merely a minute or two since his last look. Funny how time just seemed to crawl when he was waiting for Terry and when they were together it was like time moved at the speed of light. He hated the waiting and yet he also enjoyed it. It was always after a period of waiting that he would feel Terry’s love the most. It was then that he would know just how much he cared for and needed Terry but maybe more importantly, he could tell that Terry felt the same. Those were moments worth waiting for he thought as he sat there, impatient and yet strangely satisfied.

The marching of time seemed to take forever tonight, more so than normal. He was impatient to see Terry but as he sat there, he realized that Terry had most likely lost track of time while trying to sort out his letter. He prayed that he could find the words and that it would all work out. If it didn’t, well in his mind then Paul wasn’t worth knowing. He felt angry that Paul hadn’t tried to stay in touch given all that Terry had done for him, still maybe he had? Maybe he was being unfair but all he could see was Terry staring at the blank pages, wishing he could find the right words. It bothered him that his soul mate was hurting, and yet he knew that other than being there for Terry there just wasn’t much else he could do. Hopefully that would be enough.

As he thought that he could hear his father’s voice in his head. Once more he found himself going back to that moment when they parted. Once more he could see the pain in his father’s face as he was leaving. Only now he thought he understood that pain more. Ashley hated thinking about sad things, yet all this week it seemed no matter what was happening those strange eerie feelings of despair would find a way to creep into his thoughts.

Part of it he knew came from watching his love struggle with his letter. Part of it was from his own sense of understanding at what his father no longer had that he now had. The loss of his mother was more than just a life gone, it had been a part of his father’s own spirit that had left too. That weighed on his mind too as he would watch Terry sitting at the table, trying to find the words.

He had tried to call home twice this week, each time meeting with failure as she answered the phone, refusing the collect call each time. It angered him at first then it merely saddened him. Terry had managed to calm him each time which only made Ashley love him all the more. God if something ever happened to Terry he knew he couldn’t survive it. Terry was to him just as his mother was to his father. How his dad had managed after he still didn’t know, but he knew that what his father had now wasn’t how he wanted to end up.

Ashley shrugged his head at the dark thoughts, wishing it would vanish. He hated thinking like this and yet the thoughts kept coming all week. He felt nervous as he stared at his hand as it tapped the table, impatient for Terry. His heart was moaning a little as he kept glancing around, staring at the faces with a blank look. His mouth was dry yet he kept drinking the soda as he waited, wishing that just this once time would move faster, that just this one time it would pass quickly so he could be back with Terry.

He felt a sudden chill and looked around the bar. It was as if someone had opened a freezer door really and yet no one else seemed to notice. His hand grew tight around the almost empty glass and he could see small beads of sweat popping up. Even goose bumps seemed to spring up on his arm as he stared at it, seeing the tiny fine blonde hairs on edge. It really was weird as he wiped his forehead and stared back at the crowded bar. Nothing seemed wrong as he leaned back in the chair, once more glancing at his watch seeing the slow creep of the minute hand.

Tomorrow they were going to go the beach, do some swimming but he felt like maybe they’d just stay home. He was trying to shake the uneasy feeling by planning the day as Terry would call it. They always did that, lay in bed at night just after, both of them spent and yet wanting more but it was when they would talk.

Usually it was Terry asking what Ashley wanted to do. His answer was to reach out and place his hand on Terry’s inner thigh where he would feel the heat coming from Terry’s groin. It felt good each time and even though the room was pitch black he could see the brilliant smile grow across his face. Terry would always put his own hand on top and give him a smart answer like, besides that you pervert. That always made him squeeze the thigh and smile and without fail he could feel the stirring of Terry’s penis next to his hand.

He would snuggle in close then and rest his head on Terry’s bare chest. You could hear the heart beat with each breath taken and it made him feel so relaxed, so loved that he pushed his body in closer. Terry would turn a little and would always have one hand around Ashley’s own naked body and the other would gently caress his hair and side of his face. God it felt so perfect that he always wished it would never end. His own body would always grow warm and they would just listen to each other’s contentment.

Usually it was then that they would softly talk. Terry would suggest someplace they could go to and Ashley would normally agree but suggest that first they should spend extra time in bed. Terry would laugh at that but then would always let his finger run down to lift up Ashley’s face so he could look at him. It was those moments when he would feel his heart skip a beat as he felt Terry’s love reaching out for him. It never failed to excite him either and they would once more make tender love to each other.

Funny how he could see it all happen and even know in advance what Terry would say or do and yet when it happened, it was like a bolt out of the blue. His body never stopped to be amazed by the touch of Terry’s hand or fingers. The way his nerves would stand on edge by the simple caress of Terry’s lips held him powerless and made him weak at the knees each and every time.

Lately it was even more amazing to him. They could lay there, bodies almost on top of each other and yet never say a single word. He could almost hear what Terry was thinking sometimes and would look up to suddenly say no or yes. In return he would get a smile or a frown or just a soft kiss even. It was those moments that he lived for he thought, the way they could just know each other like that and it wasn’t getting less. If anything the bond between them had become so strong that at times he could be in another room and just feel that Terry needed him or wanted him for something.

Yet for some reason tonight the vibes seemed all wrong. He felt chilled still and wondered if he was sitting under the air conditioning duct or something but glancing upwards he saw nothing. Still as his eyes moved up to stare at the ceilings he felt a strange pain suddenly run through his whole body. He twitched in the chair at the suddenness of it and its rather painful presence too. He lowered his head to see Rob standing at the bar.

The sudden pain made his eyes water a bit as he felt a strange ache in his heart. In some odd way it felt like he had been punched right in the heart. His head throbbed too as he tried to make sense of it, wondering if maybe his drink had been spiked. He had heard about that sort of thing happening but just as the notion came to him, he felt the sadness wash over him. Images of his father standing in front of him, his eyes downcast and the face taut from the strain as he softly told Ashley that his mother had passed away. It was a moment he would never forget as he could see the harsh lines of pain that riddled his father’s face.

He shook his head to try and clear his mind of that horrible time, but it wouldn’t leave him and even the sudden silence in the bar barely registered to him as he felt the tears rolling down his face. He could hear his father’s voice now, this time just before the bus was to come in and take him away. He could hear him telling him to find his true love and never leave it, to always hold it close and never ever leave it.

As his father’s pained voice stopped he finally heard the commotion in the bar. His face was chalk white as he saw people standing up and rushing to the front door. For a second he didn’t understand then the words were finally filtered by his mind and he understood. He stood up and made his way forward, feeling like his feet were made of cement at first, dread taking hold of his heart as he saw the crowd begin climbing the stairs two and sometimes three steps at once.

Panic ripped at him and suddenly he was pushing his way past the running people on the stairs. Suddenly he was out the door with only two or three people ahead of him. One he could see was Rob but his eyes were searching elsewhere now as the fear took hold. In his heart he felt a sudden emptiness come to it. He felt it ripping at him as he saw the two crumpled figures on the pavement. Off in the distance he could see the tall stature of Carl moving in a blur of motion and yet all he could do was look back to one of the crumpled figures.

He stopped only for a millisecond before he was kneeling beside the one bloodied figure. Ashley felt the burning in his eyes as he stared down at the silent stilled figure, knowing it was Terry but unwilling to accept what he saw. His heart was bleeding inside and he could barely catch his breath as a dry sob escaped his lips. His mind couldn’t accept what lay before him but his heart knew. It was in agony as he felt himself shake even as his arms reached out to touch the stilled figure. He couldn’t be he thought as panic filled him.

Terry Terry he cried out in a pained and hoarse voice. His hand touched the cold figure and recoiled in fear from the coldness. He could smell the sweet odour that now wafted around him knowing it was the smell of blood. He felt his stomach retch but his lips grew tight and held it back. His nerves were stretched to breaking point as once more his hand moved forward towards the bloodied mess that was Terry’s head.

His fingers touched the open wounds, feeling the soft warm trickle of blood brush past and on down the fallen body towards the pavement. His heart was contracting and breaking apart as he willed himself to once more call Terry’s name. Somewhere inside of his own tormented body he could hear a weak reply and his eyes finally opened to stare at the broken face of his lover. He saw the dullness in the eyes that barely were visible from under the swollen membranes of the eyelids. They were blank and lifeless and his heart began to break apart into small pieces.

Words flowed around him as his hand lay lifeless on Terry’s face. He could feel people around him but all he could think about was Terry and how much he loved him, how much he needed him. The pain in his heart was twisting his stomach into knots. His muscles were near breaking point as he watched the dullness grow darker over Terry.

NO he cried out and he found himself moving to the other side, to lift and cradle Terry’s broken head onto his lap. There was something tugging at his arm but he brushed it aside, calling for Terry, begging him to not leave, urging him t come back to him, reminding him that he promised.

Down inside his soul he felt the cold coming and he grew angry at it. NO he cried as tears now dropped relentlessly down from his face onto Terry’s broken one. NO he screamed inside as his love refused to surrender to the darkness. The fires in his soul no longer flickered as they heeded his hearts final cries. They rose upwards and chased away the cold creeping darkness.

His heart was breaking but he hung on to Terry, willing him to come back to him, begging him and as the fires within grew stronger he continued to cry.

You can’t leave me, you can’t

His voice was weak but it grew stronger with each single beat of his heart. He felt the love he had for Terry fill him once more, he saw his face smile when they had kissed that first time, he saw the eyes shimmer with joy when he had asked Ashley to dance.

Come back Terry, God please, Come back Terry I love you, I love you…

The words passed from his heart to the cold body in his arms. His love reached out for the broken shattered body and as he sobbed and felt the pain he heard the weak voice come to him.

It’s okay Ashley, really…

He held tight and refused to listen at first, refused to accept it.

Ashley please…

NO! No… you promised

I know but…

NO… YOU PROMISED

He felt the other presence but refused to look. He could only stare at the battered face but it wasn’t what he saw. His eyes no longer could see the flesh but he saw the joy that Terry had. His mind saw the smiles and the beat of Terry’s heart when he held hands with him. That was what he saw now and he refused to turn away from those sights. It was all he had left and he didn’t want to lose them. He wanted to have more, to make more and his resolve grew stronger as his love held them both tightly in its grip.

Ashley let him go, its time.

NO! I WON’T… YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM! HE’S MINE, MINE…

He’s my child Ashley just as you are, he needs to come home now.

NO…

There was a sigh of sadness that almost made him look up, almost made him stare at the spot where the voice was coming from but the pain in his heart held him. He couldn’t bear to look at anyone, not with Terry looking so helpless, so lifeless. The tears rolled down his face now, as he struggled to hold onto his love.

Ashley he won’t be far from you, you’ll be back with him when its time, then you’ll have all of eternity to be together…

NO I SAID! I don’t care about later, YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM! HE’S MINE…

I feel your pain and his Ashley but it not for you to say, you must let him go.

I don’t care

Yes you do.

No, no I don’t, you took my mother before it was time, you can’t have Terry too.

I didn’t take her Ashley, it was cancer that took her, just as I am not taking Terry, that is hate that has done this…

He hated that, the way it was never God’s fault, but some illness that did it, some drunk or hateful person. It was never God but yet he was supposed to believe that God was the creator of all things. The pastor back home had given him that line, had told him how it wasn’t God who caused his mother to leave him, how it was the disease but he no longer believed that. If God was all powerful, if all things were created by him then so too must Cancer and all the rest be created by him. It was a cop out to say it wasn’t him, it was. It was his plan, his creation.

He loved Terry, nothing was going to come between that, and he could feel his love holding him even now. Despite the fear inside and the trembling that came to him from the limp body in his lap he refused to let his love go. He loved Terry, he couldn’t just let it end this way, not when there was so much left for them to share.

NO.. It is you.. it is always you, well you can’t have him, I love him and he promised me… you heard him, he promised me…

Yes but he needs you to release him from that vow…

NO, I won’t… I won’t, he promised me

Ashley…

I won’t… leave us alone, we love each other… I need him, I can’t be without him…

Ashley you’ll manage, it won’t be easy but I’ll be there with you, you can’t hold him to that promise now, look at him son…

Ashley managed to look down at the battered bleeding face that was in his lap. He could see the eyes and there was a small flicker of life still there. He ached inside as he tried to look deeper, to find Terry within the mess of torn and ripped flesh.

They can fix that..

No they can’t and you know that

The sad voice was right, there was no one who could fix the damage but he refused to let that matter. It wasn’t his face or his look that made him love Terry, there was more and nothing could change that, nothing could scar that. No, the voice might be right but he loved more than just the physical look, he loved the man inside and that still lived, that still breathed and he hung on, wishing the old voice would leave him in peace, wishing it would just stop tormenting him. He loved Terry, nothing else mattered.

Then you fix it, you can do that.

Yes, I could, but I won’t.

You hate me

No I don’t, I love you.

You hate me, you hate Terry, you hate us.

No, I love you both, you are my boys, I can’t hate you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it is the truth, I love all my children, yes before you ask even those who did all this, they are my children and I cry for their mistakes, I cry for their own pain and suffering that has twisted what I gave them, just as I cry for your pain now too, knowing how much you hurt. I don’t hate you or them, no real father could, and I am your father.

He shut his ears to the voice. Ashley didn’t want to hear that, he wanted it to go back to how it was. The pain inside was ripping his heart to shreds as he held tightly to Terry’s blood caked body. He could barely feel the heart beating but it didn’t matter, he loved him and knew he couldn’t live without him.

Yes you do, if you loved us you’d fix him, you wouldn’t take him from me, you wouldn’t..

Ashley you know it doesn’t work that way… you know that..

No I don’t, you have done it in the past, why not now? You say I am your son, that you love terry and me both… then let him come back like you did with Jesus, he was your son, why could he come back and not terry? Why? Is it because we are gay? That’s it isn’t it.. you don’t love us, you just say that, so I’ll let him go, I won’t do that, I won’t…

Look at me Ashley … look at me I said.

The voice was firm and with even a hint of anger in it that surprised Ashley. Still the pain in his heart wouldn’t let him consider anything but being with Terry. He didn’t look up at where the voice was coming from, he couldn’t.

Why? So you can trick me?

I know the truth hurts my boy, but it is the truth, I have no need for tricks or magic, you are in pain, let me help you…

Help me? Liked you helped Terry? No, give him back to me, God, please, help me, give him back to me.

I am trying but you aren’t letting me… you have to let him go Ashley, he is in pain Ashley, let him come home with me and let the pain pass, let him rest in peace with me until your time comes to join him, I promise he’ll be there waiting, you know I speak the truth.

No I don’t know that, not anymore I don’t. I can make it go away, we don’t need you, I love him, why can’t you let us be together?

I am not stopping you from being together, I am the one who brought you together in the first place. Your love for each other is special, so special that it will endure forever, but in a different form, Ashley, he won’t go until you let him…

He promised me..

It’s a promise he can’t keep Ashley, not the way you want him to. Can’t you see that? He doesn’t want to leave you anymore than you want him to but he is in pain Ashley, he needs to come home where he can heal, where the hate won’t ever touch him again.

He promised.

I know, set him free of that promise Ashley.

His heart felt like it would explode. He didn’t know what to do or who to believe anymore. All he could see was Terry in his lap, feel the pain that wracked his broken body and yet his love felt the same. He could feel it reaching for him, desperate to hold him once more and he knew he couldn’t let go, couldn’t break what bond they had. Terry’s pain became his and his body shook as he held him tightly, loving him with every ounce of his being.

I can’t.

Yes you can.

No… no I can’t, I just… I can’t. Don’t you see? I love him, I can’t live without him, I can’t… he promised me, he has to keep it, you can’t make him break it either, you can’t.

I won’t, only you can.

I love him, you know I do.

Yes, and I know he loves you the same, but Ashley he can’t recover the way you hope, it just doesn’t work that way son.

Why not? Why can’t you just wave your hand or whatever? This is all yours, you made it all, let him stay, let him come back to me, please… I love him so much… please

There was silence and he felt his heart beating. The pain of losing Terry was too much for him as he cried for Terry one more time. His eyes stared down and this time he saw the flicker burn a bit brighter. His heart raced faster as he stared into Terry’s face, feeling the weak but still real love reach up for him. He saw the lips quiver remembering how sweet they tasted that first time, how warm and soft they were. His body sighed as the muscles inside relaxed a little as he saw the life still burning in his love.

He bent down to brush his lips against those that trembled and he felt the power of their love join once more. His body rocked as it held Terry tight, knowing that Terry wouldn’t leave him, knowing that their love was stronger than even God. They still had each other and nothing or no one could separate them from that.

The soft touch on his shoulder startled him and he turned his head from Terry for a moment to stare up into a face he had long since missed seeing. His heart cried out her name as he heard her call his softly.

Ashley…

Mom…

I am here Ash,

Don’t let him take him, please mom, please…

He’s not going anywhere son, his love for you is as strong as yours is for him.

He won’t?

Yes… he loves you as much as you love him, he won’t leave till you are ready.

But… will he…

No, that is not in his hands or anyone else’s son, as much as you think it is, it just isn’t.

He didn’t know what to do. His heart ached for Terry, wishing to take away his pain yet knowing he couldn’t. Yet he knew that without Terry in his life, without being able to hold him, touch him, look at him that he couldn’t survive. His pain grew as he held onto the body, wishing for the strength to do what was right, knowing he didn’t have it. Knowing that he was no longer whole, that a part of his very spirit had been taken and crushed in one single blow.

What do I do mom? Tell me, what to do?

Trust in your heart son, you will do what is right, I have faith in you.

I love him so much, I can’t bear not being with him …

I know son…

The pain in his chest eased a little as he tried to understand what was happening. He could feel the love but the fear remained inside. His body continued to reel from the horror around him and finally he was able to focus on the face in front of him. It was saying something to him but he couldn’t understand it at first, until he asked him to repeat it.

I said, are you family?

Family? Uh.. yes, yes I am.

Okay you can ride in the ambulance if you want.

The… yes, thank you…

Uh, this was in his pant’s pocket, you might want to hold onto it.

Ashley took the pink coloured package, realizing it was the letter for Paul stained by Terry’s blood. His hand shook as he took it. He stared around for a second and saw both Carl and Rob standing by him. He felt Carl’s hand on his shoulder as he tried to get up, needing their assistance. His legs felt like rubber as he tried to piece it all together. Terry was alive, in an ambulance but he was still here.

He turned to Carl and saw the pain in his face. It still felt all so unreal, what had happened? Why was he standing here with a blood smeared envelope? Where was Terry? What were all those people doing staring at him? He felt so alone and cried for Terry, where was Terry? His eyes turned away from Carl and looked at Rob. He saw the tears trickling down Rob’s face and felt strangely sad for him. The envelope in his hand felt heavy and he glanced down at it, seeing Paul’s name written across it in Terry’s handwriting. It made him tremble as it all came rushing back to him.

Rob… can you… please..

Rob stared at Ashley and his outstretched hand. He saw the envelope and felt frightened. He looked back up to stare into the almost lifeless eyes of Ashley. He still wasn’t sure what had happened but somehow Terry was still alive. Ashley was obviously going into shock. Rob reached out to take the envelope feeling the dread washing up into his heart.

I got it Ashley.

It’s for Terry… it’s for Terry’s brother, can you mail it? Terry wants to… I mean..

I’ll see it gets delivered.

Carl saw the terrified look on Rob’s face and knew what he was thinking. He didn’t know who needed him more right now, Ashley or Rob but then Rob looked up at him and gave a short nod. He would manage for now it seemed as Carl led Ashley towards the waiting ambulance.

------

Rob didn’t know what to feel. His body shook at the sight of Carl’s stiff shoulders, at the blur as his fist had connected with the one assailant. He saw the stunned look frozen on the man’s face as his body was lifted upwards by the force of Carl’s blow. But what held Rob in shock wasn’t the blow, wasn’t the expression but the feeling of hatred that filled the whole street.

He could see it in the eyes of the man lifted up by Carl’s fist, could see it in the distant figures of the other two attackers but worse, he could see it in the almost blank faces of the people across the street. There were no cheers, no movement even as they just stood watching now in silence.

The shouts of glee and laughter were stilled now but they still rank in his ears as he stood there, fists balled and ready to lash out but no one was near, Carl had dispatched them all like some avenging angel but what held him petrified was the two silent figures. He could smell the blood mingling with the hatred in the air. It was acrid and ate at the very back of his throat with each breathe he took, and it made his stomach churn.

Time marched onwards and yet it was like he was being held in a timeless warp. Everything was moving in slow motion and he could see the one group of men in dark blue, doing nothing as they stood over one of the fallen figures. In his heart he felt the strange anger that now seemed to be trying to escape. He felt the loneliness of his own life reaching for him once more as he saw the frantic efforts over the fallen figure near his own feet.

Rob saw the matted blond hair and knew who it was without even seeing his face. Looking past the hunched shaking figure he saw the other figure now. The hair was dark from blood, the face a beaten pulp of red without any distinction as torn flesh seemed to glimmer in the harsh lights of the street lamps yet Rob knew who it was. He could see the almost lifeless eyes staring at nothing as he saw his friend slipping away despite the cries of the other and the frantic efforts of the man in blue.

Every part of his being fought the truth, fought to deny the realization of who lay there, but eventually he could no longer deny what he knew to be true. Terry lay battered and dying while Ashley held him tight, almost willing him to live. His heart broke as he realized what it meant for him too. It wasn’t just a friend laying gravely hurt, wasn’t just a friend in pain but his own chance at a future that lay bleeding all over the cold pavement of the street.

The sweet sickly scent of blood filled his nostrils but there rose a new aroma, the one of despair as he realized how Paul would react now. It was his fault, he should have told Paul the instant he realized who his brother was. Now Paul may never get his chance, never see him to talk with him, to try and mend their broken past and it was his fault. He had failed Paul when it mattered the most. His body shook and he turned away as his stomach churned from the burning acid within. His lips opened as the contents of his stomach came hurling outwards to splatter on the pavement. It didn’t ease the pain that only grew stronger inside as he felt the tears rolling down his face.

Once more he had screwed up, once more he had failed to do what he needed to and now Paul would never have the chance he so richly deserved. It wasn’t fair, and in that moment he thought how much he hated God and worse, how much he hated himself. The darkness had him again as he staggered a little, his feet shuffling as he tried to regain control, at least for the moment.

It would have been better if Paul hadn’t come back to the swimming platform or if he had refused Paul’s offer of a lift back. It would have been easier if he had just let nature take its course that day instead of this. The pain inside tore into his heart, eating at him as he turned to stare at Ashley kneeling down at Terry’s lifeless body. His heart moaned as he saw the way Ashley was cradling Terry’s broken body, crying and sobbing while calling Terry’s name. It tore his heart into pieces as he realized how much Paul would ache, feeling the pain that Paul would feel when he found out.

The urge to turn and run came to him hard. He felt the sweat dripping from his forehead as his mind urged him to run, to leave this place and not come back. Yet even as strong as that urge was something seemed to hold him rooted in place. His heart cried for the loss of what might be, yet it wouldn’t let him run. This time it held him there as he watched the paramedic work on Terry, watched as Ashley’s whole body trembled from fear and dread.

Tears rolled down his cheeks and Rob realized that for the first time he was crying. Not for his own losses but for Ashley’s and for Paul’s loss. For the first time he felt the pain of caring for someone that was hurt and he sobbed deeply, wishing he could change it. Wishing he could reach out and ease Ashley’s pain, wishing he could know what to say to Paul when the truth was told to him.

In that split second he saw the small flicker of life in Terry’s eyes. He saw the eyelids open and the dark lifeless eyes no longer seemed blank, but filled with a spark of life. His heart leapt as he saw the eyes focus on Ashley’s face and he knew that Terry was alive but for how long? He saw the love swirling around the two and he ached for that feeling himself, knowing that it had been taken from him, or had it?

Rob saw the eyes flicker. His heart bled as he saw the faint glimmer of love inside as they focused on Ashley. It was as if he could almost hear the words of love pass between them both but he could also feel the pain. He saw it reflected in the dark eyes and yet the love kept flickering, kept trying to reach beyond the pain. It touched his own heart and his urge to run now past. His body sagged a little as he realized what lay ahead for him.

He couldn’t run anymore. Paul had saved him and while he still wasn’t certain why, he knew in his heart that he loved Paul. He couldn’t let some stranger go to him with the news and the pain inside grew more intense. He was afraid of what would happen but he had to be the one. He knew it and as he watched the paramedic working, watched Ashley’s body shake to the fear he knew there was no other choice for him.

The movement and arrival of the gurney made him step back a little. Rob saw the fear on Ashley’s face and noticed how white it was, despite the coat of blood that rested on his face. He could see the panic and even feel it yet he could still feel the love that existed between Ashley and Terry. He could see it was all that was holding them together now, that even the pain of his wounds couldn’t dent that love.

He saw Ashley’s face, saw the chalk white colour and yet the eyes burned brightly. He could see the determination and force of Ashley’s will burning as the body of his lover was being placed on the gurney. Rob felt his pain as the paramedic handed Ashley something and then he saw him looking around. The truth of what had happened was finally making its way past the barrier of their love. Rob saw the panic and uncertainty as he held the object and then he saw him look up directly at him. He felt Ashley’s fear reach for him as his trembling hand held the object to him. He could hear the fear in his voice as he tried to convey what it was to Rob.

His own shaking hand reached out and took the envelope. He knew what it was and felt his own doubts rising up but the beat of his heart stilled the panic.  His eyes met Carl’s and he nodded, knowing that he had to do this on his own. He couldn’t run any more, and the tears continued to roll down his face as he watched the ambulance leave with Terry and Ashley inside.

So many strange emotions had been awakened that he didn’t know what he was doing. Time seemed to exist but ever so slowly. First there was the endless questions from the police and then at last, he was free to go. He saw that the crowds had long since left, the street held an eerie silence to it as if it too was unsure what to make of all that happened.

It had taken him some time but he had finally managed to hail a taxi and now he was here, standing at the gate wondering what lay ahead. His mind was still desperately trying to get him to run, to leave but the hard beat of his heart wouldn’t let him. Tears were always close at hand as he stood there, frightened and yet determined at once.

With a sigh that almost tore his heart into two he opened the gate and walked down the walkway to the docks. His heart was heavy with grief as he slowly made his way along the wooden walks towards the familiar dock. His feet dragged as he came closer, the urge to run rising but on he went until he saw the two masts.

His eyes stared at the boat and the silence of the night only made him more pained. The sound of water gently lapping against the wooden pylons, against various hulls and rocks only made him feel the pain even more. His eyes lifted up to stare at the boat. He could see the shape of a figure up forward and knew it was Paul. Rob could see how he was staring off towards the wide open ocean and he wished they could just cast off and sail away, knowing it was no longer an attainable dream for him.

In a few minutes his hopes would come crashing to an end. He sighed wishing it could be different but he had failed once again. He didn’t deserve to have Paul and the thought of losing him finally made the tears flow once again. His face was stained already as the tears flowed freely now. He moved forward even slower but at least it was forward.

He saw the figure start and then turn to stare at him coming along the pier. He could see the eyes glistening in the night and his heart pounded in his chest. God he really did love Paul, for the first time he had found someone to care for and now he was about to cause that one person the most pain anyone could ever cause another. He would admit to betraying him, worse that the betrayal had denied him a chance at something he wanted more than anything. His heart thundered in his ears as he approached the gangway and looked up to see Paul staring down at him.

He stood there, the letter in his pocket and his fingers touching it as he finally lifted his head up, his own tear stained eyes clearing enough for him to gaze once more into Paul’s handsome face. God how could he be thinking about love when so much lay in ruins around him? Was he that selfish or that confused ht thought as he silently came aboard to stand face to face with Paul.

Rob, you are…

His voice stopped as he saw the tears rolling down Rob’s face. In a split second he felt a sudden wave of pain come to him as he tried to fathom what was wrong. Dread overtook his thoughts as he stood there watching Rob climb aboard and stand before him.

Paul…

What is it? Are you crying? Rob…

Please… Paul I don’t… I mean… I need to tell you something.. but.. I mean…

Paul felt the muscles around his neck tighten as he stared at the sullen face that tried not to meet his own. He didn’t know what it was but something serious had happened and for a moment his thoughts turned towards his brother. Paul didn’t know why but a strange sinking feeling came to the pit of his stomach as he stared at Rob, fear gripping him tighter with each passing beat of his heart, with each flutter of Rob’s eyelashes.

Rob could feel Paul’s eyes staring at him and he wanted to desperately rush into his strong arms but he knew they would soon be closed to him. He knew inside that once he told Paul that he would be banished, and to be in those arms and feel them physically push him aside would be too much to bear so he stood there, trembling with the fear of what this would mean.

Rob, whatever it is, you can trust me, tell me, what is it? Please…

In his heart he wanted to believe Paul but his mind knew the truth. His lips trembled as he slowly lowered himself to the deck, the darkness seeming to become even more impenetrable as his head hung down, waiting for some final blow perhaps or maybe it was simply that all he had seen was finally registering as he tried to accept his doom.

There is no easy way to say this Paul, God I wish there was.. oh God do I, but…

Say what? What is it Rob? You are scaring the shit out of me, did I do something wrong? Is that it? Am I pushing you too much or…

God please don’t speak, please Paul… just let me say this before I lose it.

But… okay, but…

Paul.. last night, that picture you showed me…

He knew in that instant that something more horrible than all he had ever dreamed had happened. Pain suddenly rose inside of him as fear clutched eagerly at his heart, twisting it and making the pain in his chest rob him of his breath. His face grew pale even though no one could see it as the blanket of darkness suddenly enveloped them both. The boat shook as a strong wave suddenly rocked it and Paul’s eyes never left Rob’s trembling body.

This is about Terry.

The flatness of Paul’s voice finally made Rob lift his head to finally look at Paul. He shuddered as he saw the blank stare bearing down on him and in his heart he felt like Paul had suddenly become dead to him. In his heart he felt like the very life was slowly bleeding out, as if he had been mortally wounded and the tears now rolled unheeded down his face as his body continued to shake and tremble.

Yes

You know him, don’t you?

Yes

You knew last night.

Yes.

Anger welled up inside of Paul as the soft single word exploded within his head. How could Rob know Terry and not have said anything? His anger was boiling and yet something held it back, some strange foreboding kept his words curt and tight as he tried to figure out what was happening. Why was Rob here now? Why was he telling him this now? Could he have talked with Terry and was here to let him know that his younger brother didn’t want to hear from him? Could that be it? Was Rob a messenger of some sort?

And?

Paul I wanted to tell you last night…

But you didn’t…

No, I was scared, I didn’t know what to do…

Scared? You knew how much I miss Terry, you should have said something, you should have told me… how could you be afraid of me? What have I done to make you fear me?

I don’t know, I don’t know but..

Panic tore at him as did the rage inside. He didn’t know which way to turn as his mind felt confused and lost. How could Rob not tell him and yet as he tried to think back, think about all he and Rob had done together so far he didn’t understand how Rob could lie to him. He knew how much Terry meant to him, how could he not have told him. How could he have been afraid of him, it wasn’t like he had done anything bad or forced Rob to do anything he hadn’t wanted to? How could this be happening now? He was so close and now it felt like it was all for nothing. The rage finally began to take dominance over him.

But what? You want me to just forget that you lied to me?

I didn’t lie to you…

You didn’t tell me you knew Terry, that’s the same thing.

I don’t… Paul please… I know you hate me, I am sorry but..

But what? You think some tears and sob story about being afraid is going to make me forget it? Where is Terry? Did he send you here to tell me to leave him alone? Is that what this is really about? You his.. his boyfriend or something?

It was like his heart was being shattered. The harsh tone of Paul’s voice adding to the lancing pain that now filled his whole body. He recoiled slightly from the words as if they were sledge hammers hitting him in the face. His body shook as he screamed out, trying to make Paul understand yet knowing it was futile.

NO! No he doesn’t know, he may never know now… Paul… oh God…

Leave God out of this…

It was as if the words finally made sense. The fear in Rob’s voice finally cooled his rage and he was able to comprehend the sobbing words that Rob had spoke. A coldness crept into him as he reached down and lifted Rob up. His hands clenched Rob’s arms tightly as he stared into Rob’s frightened face.

What… what do you mean he may never know? Has he left town or…

Paul…

TELL ME!

You are hurting me… let go… Paul please…

He felt Paul’s fingers digging deep into the flesh of his upper arms and the glaze in Paul’s face frightened him more than anything he had seen so far this night. His heart pounded as he tried to wiggle free yet knowing that no matter what Paul did to him it wouldn’t hurt any more than how he was already hurting. The pain inside was more than he could bear as he sobbed, knowing that this was as close as he and Paul would ever get now. Rob felt his body stop struggling as he accepted the inevitable reality.

Paul’s rage seemed to only be growing and somewhere deep down inside he could feel a stirring of resistance to it. The dread he had felt was once more coming to him as his eyes finally cleared for a second. He didn’t see terror in Rob’s eyes but instead shame and sorrow. It was almost as if Rob had struck him as he felt the boy’s body go limb in his tight grip. Shame came to him as the rage finally cooled as his heart once more struggled for control.

Rob’s body stopped trying to move and Paul could feel the Rob’s sudden resignation to his anger. It cooled the rage further inside as his eyes felt moist now, the fear of what he had always dreaded becoming real in the darkness. Terry had rejected him, he was certain of that as his fingers slowly released their grip on Rob’s arms.

The feeling of doom lay like a heavy weight on his heart as he felt more than saw the way Rob sagged and barely managed to stay on his feet. The stress of all that had passed had drained him so that he too felt it hard to remain standing as he let the cool ocean air fill his lungs. The sea had always been his salvation, his refuge but now it merely added to his discomfort.

Rob, I am sorry… I… I mean…

Don’t… you are right, I am a liar I guess, I should have told you last night, maybe then things would be different, I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t have let you pick me up from the platform that day either, I always seem to screw up Paul, I didn’t want to, not this time, honest, I never have felt so… so alive as when with you but now I have fucked it all, I should have told you, God I wish I had, but now… Paul… oh Christ, Paul… Terry is… he’s… he’s been rushed to hospital and…

Maybe it was the stillness of the night that made the words seem so loud yet as he stood there, staring he tried to fight them. He didn’t want to believe the words yet even as he tried to push them away he could feel his heart trembling as the fear clutched at every muscle and sinew in his body. His lips were trembling and his throat became dry and painful as he stared at Rob and yet not seeing him.

Images of Terry floated before him and he felt the sting of regrets as tears slowly filled his eyes. His body trembled as he remembered the look of love that Terry flashed at him when he walked down from the house that last time. He felt the pain inside as he had simply stood there, just like now with no expression, no emotion really on his face. His stoic look was all that Terry had to remember him by and now it might be simply his last memory of him.

There was nothing left and a feeling of complete emptiness filled his heart as he slowly fought for control over his heart and the raging fear inside. Nothing else seemed to exist and the warm ocean breeze felt more like a chilling wind from the artic. His soul was in tatters as his mind grappled with Rob’s words and with all that had been said. Anger and rage had been quelled but now a sense of dread filled him that was even more terrible as he tried to think, tried to comprehend what he didn’t want to know.

The fire he had felt inside was slowly dying as he stood there, afraid to ask more and yet knowing he had no choice left now. His life was once more in ruins he thought as his heart cried for his brother. Even though he had to ask, in his heart he knew the truth already, knew that what might have been was no longer possible. His voice was soft and broken as his head lowered to rest on his chest, his eyes no longer sparkled or flared. Not even with rage or anger or anything else as a wall had descended on him, blocking his emotions as he tried to hold onto some shred of hope but as hard as he searched within himself, hope seemed to have deserted him.

How… how bad is it? Is he… will he…

The words were like knives cutting into his heart as he tried to look at Paul. He could see the pain he had caused and he cursed himself, wishing he had for just once in his life done something right, but it wasn’t to be. All he had ever thought, ever hoped for lay in ruins now because of his fear, because of his own stupidity. The pain inside was tearing him to pieces as he tried to help, knowing that it was useless. He should never have let Paul take him off that platform, maybe if he had just stayed there this might never have happened, or at least if it was to have happened he wouldn’t be the cause of it.

I don’t know… God I am so sorry Paul… I…

Where did they take him?

Scripps Mercy, it’s… it’s near the bar… Paul…

I have to go there… is it where? I have a map… I have to…

I’ll drive you there if you want… Paul…

The pain was too much as he tried to fight it, tried to grab hold of something so he could do what he had to. He knew that he would be too late, knew that his dreams of being with Terry again were shattered. He didn’t feel any anger though, not at Rob or anyone else. It was his due, he had screwed up a long time ago and this was just one more instalment on the payback for that one lapse in character. Paul felt the resignation take hold, knowing that it was useless to dream anymore, knowing it was futile to hope.

Yes… okay, just… just let’s go… I… here, my keys… I’ll uh… I better put some shoes… the truck is…

I know where it is parked…

Okay, I’ll, I’ll meet you there… I have to… I’ll meet you at the truck.

Rob hesitated for a second or two as the voice was so flat, so dead that it made him shake with his own fear. He glanced upwards to see Paul’s frozen face and he knew what death looked like. There was no life in the eyes or in the face. The last remnants of tears were slowly drying as Paul’s face grew hard and distant to him. Slowly he turned away from the man who he knew could have been more to him than just a friend, that in some way Paul could have been the missing part that he needed. He hated how he felt as he slowly walked away, feeling the despair gradually eating at his frail hopes and dreams.

Paul didn’t see Rob leave but only a faint shadow moving from him. His heart ached as he couldn’t stop the images of Terry and his youth flashing across his memory’s vision. The times they spent splashing in the ocean, the time they first came to see a dolphin close by all came to him and the dread of what lay ahead filled his heart, nearly stopping it from beating. The tears had dried up on the outside but inside he felt like he was drowning in a sea of salt pain riddled tears. His chest heaved and his soul cried as he slowly went down below, the picture frame with Terry in it staring at him, making him lean against a bulkhead for strength as the realization hit him.

 

Novel Chapters

spacer

spacer

special compact disc offer for gay books