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Chapter 13

Friday already and he still hadn’t finished the letter to Paul. He sat at the small table staring at another page filled with his chicken scratch that passed for writing. He cast a critical eye over the large scrawl that passed for his attempt at neatness. Maybe he should have borrowed Ken’s laptop to do this but it wouldn’t matter, he still wouldn’t know what to say. Once more the pile of crumpled paper grew at his side.

Terry really felt like this was a wasted effort at times, then he would sit back and somehow the more he thought about it the more certain he was that it wasn’t a waste. It was a chance that he needed to take, but what could he say? Did he simply say he saw the announcement and that maybe they should get together? Should he say anything else or should he try to tell Paul how much he hoped he would call, or something like that?

He just didn’t know what to say or how much for that matter. Did he tell him about the business venture or not? Hell did he tell him about Ashley or should he leave that out too? For a moment or two he closed his eyes to try and think but all he could see was images of him and Paul splashing around in the water. All he could remember was seeing Paul’s face with tears streaming down as he walked from the front porch and down the road towards the unknown so many years ago. How do you just drop him a note and say hi?

It felt eerie to think that after all these years he could finally reunite with Paul but it scared the crap out of him too. He didn’t think he had measured up to what Paul would have expected and he realized that it mattered still what Paul thought of him. He knew he had lied on why he had taken the rap but Paul might understand that. Would he understand the selling his ass part though?

If he didn’t tell him right off and he found out later, it would be ten times worse so how do you write your brother and tell him you were a whore? How do you tell him that you left because you just couldn’t handle the crap from the parents and then went and turned into being a slut? Would Paul understand or would he turn his back and leave? Christ he didn’t think he could handle that, seeing Paul turn and leave him so maybe he should put it in the letter? Least that way he wouldn’t have to see his face when he found out, least he wouldn’t have to see the disappointment and distaste such information would bring to Paul.

Maybe he was being hard on himself or even on Paul. After all they were brothers and had been close but 8 years was a long time. Paul would have changed, just as he had. Maybe Ashley could accept him for what he was but he didn’t think Paul could. It made him feel sad as he sat there, the pen in hand and the blank paper staring at him.

Fuck what do I say?

The truth butthead

Yeah right, and then lose him again?

You haven’t lost him yet

Yes I have, he hasn’t contacted me, its been 8 years.

Either have you

I am not some fancy scientist type

You had the money, you know how to have gotten a hold of him.

It was better this way, he had to study

Yeah so why freak now?

Cause he’s here now, cause I know it.

So, don’t you want to see him?

Yes but…

Always with the butt’s, why can’t you just go with it

Because it isn’t that simple

Why not?

Because so much has happened, I am different, he’s different…

You don’t know that, not for certain.

Yeah right, like I was a hooker back then?

In a way, you did sleep around a bit.

Yeah but not for money

So some cd’s and burgers, same thing isn’t it?

No, I never asked for that.

Oh right, what about Mr Gordon? You gonna say that wasn’t any different than say Ken?

Okay, well yeah, but that was different, I was a kid.

Did Paul get pissed then?

Yes, he fucking did, shit he almost hit me.

Only cause you didn’t use a condom stupid.

Well… it was more than that.

No, it wasn’t, Christ you have a better memory than that.

Okay okay, so it was the same, so he didn’t go ballistic about me sucking that jerk off so I’d get a pass… big deal. This is different.

Use condoms since?

Duh, of course

Then he’ll accept it.

You don’t know that.

No? Bet I do.

Oh and how we gonna know smart ass?

Simple, you’ll tell him, tell him that you lived by your wits and ass, tell him the fucking truth, that you missed him, that you are scared of meeting him so you are writing, tell him you love him for Christ’s sake and let him know, then you’ll see.

See what?

He’ll not have changed, least not in what counts, he’ll call… then you two will meet and that will be it.

Be it? What?

Over, the nightmares will end, you’ll have your brother back and you’ll be able to get on with things.

I already am or haven’t you noticed Ashley?

I have noticed, long before you did.

Bullshit.

Deny it but you noticed it the second you heard him come into the john at the burger joint. You just didn’t want to admit it.

Did not, I hardly noticed.

Yeah right, that’s why you warned him huh?

Hey I’d have done for anyone who came in with Jason.

Oh? What about that Italian looking kid couple months before? Didn’t hear you warning him, now did you?

Fuck off.

Nope, not this time bucky.

Shit, why now? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone, why’d I have to see that picture?

Because it was meant to, its time don’t you think?

Time? For what?

To make peace Terry, to get on with being who you were meant to be instead of just treading water.

I haven’t… its different, I mean…

You fought it for what, a month or so?

Yeah

Happy now?

Yeah I guess…

You guess? Christ shithead, you fucking almost hyperventilate when he’s not here, you get sweaty and feel dizzy and when you hear him coming in, you feel like the world is at your feet, so uh, you guess?

Okay I get it, I am happy with Ashley.

More than happy I’d say.

Yeah, it is kind of terrific, scary too.

So, why you gonna fight me for another month on this? I was right then and you know I am right now.

No I don’t, and besides your batting average isn’t all that good.

Mine? Hell if you’d have listen to me all the time you’d be better off, still I didn’t do too badly given what I had to work with.

Fuck that.

Write

Sure, but what?

Well start off by saying hello, I missed you and can’t describe how it feels to have seen your picture in the paper.

Sucking up isn’t it?

Of course, what you want start off with ‘hi I turned tricks for 8 years and how are you?’

No

Well then… give me some credit for not being totally daft.

How do I tell him?

How did you tell Ashley?

Didn’t have to, he already knew.

Not really, but okay, how’d you tell him about the dresses?

Well, shit that wasn’t exactly easy, but we were more or less together then, that was different.

Nope.

Is too.

Nope.

Damn it stop saying that.

Uh huh, it isn’t different.

Yeah? How?

Simple, Ashley is part of you, least you know that now, right?

Yeah.

Paul wasn’t?

Of course he was, but that was 8 years ago.

So?

So a lot of time has past.

Yep, but what was a part of you once the way Paul was, come on you know that no matter how long apart you two have been that won’t change. He is still a part of you otherwise why would you be sitting here throwing a fit about what he might or might not do? So quit stalling, you know its the truth.

Do I?

Do you still love Paul the same way you did 8 years ago? Do you still care about him, still want to have him proud of you?

Of course I do.

You feel proud of who he is now? You feel kind of warm and tingly cause he’s a big shot with Marine World?

Well sure, just cause I screwed up doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for him.

Oh so you’ve screwed up? Think he’s Mister Perfect or something?

No, but you know what I mean.

Tell me.

Fuck that, you know.

Enlighten me, how have you screwed up?

I turn tricks, how’s that?

Uh huh, and let me see, you have guys who enjoy your company so much they are putting their entire savings on the line for you, yep you really did screw up huh?

Well, that’s just one…

Oh and Carl? Ya know the guy who has covered your back all this time? What about Rob? And hey, how about that blonde number you keep moaning over?

Okay so I didn’t totally screw up, still…

Still nothing, you are just scared, unless you know something I don’t? Do you? You have something that says he’s changed? What is it that makes you think he’s not been thinking of you the same way you have been about him?

I don’t know, he didn’t walk out on me.

He let you go.

That wasn’t the same thing, he was scared, besides I didn’t really give him a choice in that.

Exactly, so why would he not want to know you again?

Maybe… it is just that..

That you are afraid, but you know what I am telling you is true so why are you fighting me?

What if he doesn’t call? What then smart ass?

Then you will call.

Oh right, I write him, tell him I worked the streets but want to be brothers again and he refuses so I call him? I don’t think so.

Doesn’t really matter, you know he’ll call.

I don’t know that.

Listen to me, you do, just as you knew that Ashley was the one, just as you know that now, you know what I am saying is true.

I can’t… you could be wrong this time.

No.

You are so certain. How can you be?

Because you may have left Paul, but I never have. He’s been here the whole time, you know it, you have felt it when you needed to.

Yeah but…

But nothing, one more but and I’ll stop speaking, you know its true, you know that just as he never left you right here, you never were gone from him either.

I don’t…

Look at the picture, Ashley saw it, you saw it too.

It’s a bad picture.

You can see it just fine, stop fighting me, you know I only tell you the truth.

I know

Well then?

Well what?

Start writing.

Terry’s eyes blurred as the words finally came to him. He wrote with the words from his heart and he left nothing out. The blank page became filled as did others as he finally unburdened his soul to the one person he had always relied on, his brother.

As he filled the pages with his life he knew that what his heart had told him was true. It still felt scary but he no longer listened to the panic that tried to stay his hand. He no longer listened to the words of caution from his mind as he told Paul everything, filling pages with his life. He told him about the life he had led, told him everything, holding nothing back.

Tears would fall and he would brush them away angrily as he kept writing on. He told Paul about the days he would walk alone to the beach to stare out at the sea. He told him about the dolphins that would come near at times and how it would remind him of the times they spent swimming with them. He told him about the bar and his life working the streets at night. He even told him about Ken and how he still couldn’t believe the good fortune.

Everything came pouring out as he filled more pages, ignoring the growing darkness despite the lamps. He told Paul the truth, that he was sorry for lying, that he just couldn’t handle things and used Paul’s mistake for his own escape. He told him too about how he was scared to meet him, but that he needed to anyhow. He told him about Ashley, hoping that Paul would understand he wasn’t just a trick or some hot boy to fuck. He spilled his innermost feelings about Ashley, telling the only person he could how much Ashley meant to him and how good it felt to be loved by someone so innocent.

Once started it seemed like he couldn’t stop as he told Paul everything. As the end came to him, he knew that what his heart had said was true. He put that down too, telling Paul that he knew it would be a lot for him to take in, telling him that he might even feel disgust at the fact that his younger brother was a whore, a prostitute and that all that might make him not want to see him. He told him that wouldn’t stop him either because if Paul didn’t call, he’d call. If Paul refused his call he’d show up at his work.

Writing it out he felt the strange warmth growing inside. At first it had seemed like empty words but as he stared at the last paragraph he knew he meant each and every word. He wouldn’t let Paul get away this time, he wouldn’t run from the unpleasantness this time. He signed the last page and put them all together. Sitting back in the chair he realized that at least now he had a chance. At least now he could maybe have that shot at owning his own dream.

He put the papers into the envelope and addressed it after sealing it. The white envelope was bulky and he knew it would take a damn sight more than a normal stamp but he felt good. It was what he needed to have said, leaving nothing out and now it was all up to Paul, for the moment.

His hand trembled a little as he held the thick white envelope. Strange how so much was riding on what was inside that and yet despite the fear, the doubts that swirled around him he knew it would all work out. He knew that this time he didn’t have to face his problems alone. Ashley would be by his side and that in itself was enough. He sighed as the last tear rolled down his face. He knew that his life could never be anything without Ashley. Silently he prayed that Paul would understand that and accept Ashley for the person he was, and that he would accept him as well.

Terry stared for a minute, feeling a strange dread come to him as he though about Ashley and then his eye caught the clock. Shit he thought, he was way late and Ashley would be having a fit. He stood up stuffing the envelop into his jean pocket and headed out the door. Least he had told Ashley that if he was ever more than ten minutes late to go on to the bar. Carl would assure him as would Rob so he didn’t feel all that upset even though he quicken his pace down the walk towards the street. His heart was right, he couldn’t stand being one second longer away from Ashley.

*****

Rob stood inside, watching the bar filling up. His heart was feeling very heavy as last night continued to torment him. Part of him said he should have said something but then what if that would have been worse? He just couldn’t suddenly dump all that on Paul, not without at least checking first. Christ why did things always have to go in the toilet when he was involved?

He liked Paul and that weekend sail had done something to him that he still couldn’t believe. Rob had never experienced such tenderness and warmth as he did when they had simply gone down into the cabin. Nothing much happened except that they held each other but it was more electrifying that when he dated that stripper. How could he explain the rock hard dick it gave him but then he never had to explain it. Paul merely had looked at him and then picked up the sleeping bag, two pillows and motioned for Rob to join him up top.

Paul placed the sleeping bag on the front end, near the forward hatch, placing the two pillows next side by side. He just sat down leaning his back against the hatch and waited for Rob to join him. It wasn’t like he had thought it would be, the soft sway of the boat only adding to his unreal feelings. He had felt nervous but one glance at Paul’s face had been enough to dispel those feelings. He felt himself gliding almost and then staring down at Paul. It just felt so right as he kneeled and then let Paul reach out and wrap his arm around him.

They never said a word that whole night, just holding each other and letting their thoughts talk for them. He still felt the thrill of feeling Paul’s breath on his cheek as he fell asleep. The soft warmth only added to the magic of the night as they just drifted along the ocean.

Once again they watched the sun rising up over the ocean. The darkness gradually lightening and this time, as the first shaft of gold came peeping up over the horizon Rob felt the beat of Paul’s heart next to his own. His breath seemed taken aback at the soft gentle beat that now echoed near his own heart. His face turned to stare into Paul’s face and he saw the blue eyes shimmering, a touch of gold from the sun reflected in them. He looked at the scraggily hair that hung down and he felt suddenly at peace with himself. He reached out with his hand and wiped away the one rebellious lock and just smiled.

I don’t want to be alone anymore Paul.

Neither do I.

I am not sure if… if I can…

You already have, in a way that means a whole lot more than you’ll ever know, so let’s not worry about the other stuff, we have lots of time for that… I just don’t want to miss out on knowing you.

You mean it, don’t you?

With all my heart.

No one has ever said that to me before, and meant it.

I do mean it.

I know, it’s weird really but I can almost feel it, like it is something you could reach out and touch if it had some colour to it.

Paul had looked at him with that half smile of his and Rob could feel the patter of his heart as he stared into the blue eyes. He really hadn’t felt such emotion as he felt then and he was certain it couldn’t get any more intense. Yet he was wrong in that as Paul leaned forward and with one finger lifted up Rob’s chin, and then closing his eyes he let his face come closer. The brush of Paul’s lips on his mouth felt like a sudden explosion deep within his body.

Rob knew he had shook hard but Paul’s strong arms had held him tight. All he could feel was the warmth growing inside of him as Paul’s mouth kissed his. Pure energy seemed to flow in his veins instead of blood as his body was shocked by how good it felt. His own arms reached back to hold tightly onto Paul’s own trembling body. He felt every nerve tingle as wave after wave of electricity flowed between them.

In that split second nothing else seemed to matter or count. All of his fears and doubts simply vanished from his mind as his body suddenly seemed to take control. The wild thunder in his ears was coming from his heart and yet he could still hear Paul’s answering roar. It was unbelievable as he felt the wind swirling around them and then the warm breath of the sun seemed to break all around them. His body felt it touching him well beyond the limits of his flesh as he shook to one last taste of Paul’s lips.

Rob could still feel that moment, still feel the awesome trembling that shook his very soul. It really had been exhausting too and yet looking at it coldly, it really wasn’t more than a simple hug and kiss. Still it had changed him inside, in a way he was still trying to sort out almost a week later. Nothing else had happened between them and yet he didn’t feel like he had missed out on an opportunity or moment. Somehow, the simple kiss had been what they both had needed then.

They had talked on the phone each night and last night he went for dinner on Paul’s boat. His eyes grew glassy as he felt a chill rush thru the very marrow of his bones. It was last night that now tormented him. The shock of it was still almost too much though he thought he had managed to conceal it from Paul. Course Paul’s phone call this morning told him that was a crock. He evaded the issue as he always did with people but this time it felt wrong. This time it actually hurt him inside where nothing ever seemed to make it past.

For the first time last night the darkness had come to him again. He had lain awake and fought with it all night as he tried to piece it all together. It scared him but as tempting as the full bottle of Vodka had been, he surprised himself by pacing rather than drinking. Least there was that he thought as he waited for Carl to make his way down to the far end where he waited for him.

There was no way for him to ignore what he had seen. Paul had cleaned up the boat and it looked like he was slowly settling in to life here. His clothes were hanging instead of buried in a shelf and the counter that served as Paul’s dresser held his personal effects, including a silver edged picture frame. Rob hadn’t noticed it before but now the sudden realization that Paul somehow looked familiar broke upon him as he had stared at the two boys in the picture.

At first he hadn’t wanted to believe it but when Paul saw him staring, he picked up the photograph, his eyes growing moist as he told Rob about who the two were. One was obviously Paul but with much longer hair than he had now. The other though was a spitting image of Paul, except for longer finer blond hair. The smile and eyes beamed up at him as Paul stared at the picture. Rob could see the tears in his face as he told him it was his brother.

Rob never said a word as Paul put the frame down. He watched as the hand lightly run across the edge and the finger traced the images that were smiling out. Maybe it wasn’t who he thought but the resemblance was too much. Only when Paul finally mentioned the name did Rob know he had been right. Fear had gripped his heart then as he tried to figure out what to say if anything.

He could feel Paul’s eyes on him but he managed to laugh off the worry, telling him he was just tired from a long night’s work and apartment hunting. Paul seemed to accept it and dinner went fairly well. The picture haunted Rob but he managed to keep his focus on Paul. Still it was hard and he had found himself sneaking glances at the photo. They both looked so innocent and yet not really.

There was no mistaking the brooding eyes that both of them had and Rob had seen them in Terry’s face. It finally clicked as he sat there trying to ignore what he knew, afraid he would ruin it all. It wasn’t fair he had thought, to suddenly have something only to maybe have it snatched away.

At the time he had thought it would ruin his chance to be with Paul. It wasn’t a rationale thought and to be honest he had no reason to feel that way but none the less he did. It irked him that he couldn’t trust Paul enough to just tell him. It hurt that he still couldn’t have faith in Paul’s own words and believe in them. Everything about Paul was perfect, the tenderness, the softness, the whole package was something that made him feel, well like he was of value for the first time in his life. Now he had gone and repaid that by hiding the truth. He knew how much Paul missed his brother, so why couldn’t he have told him? Why?

Hey, you look like shit, you aren’t hung over are you?

Rob jumped at the voice and then saw the look of concern on Carl’s face. He relaxed because he could honestly say he hadn’t had a drop of alcohol yet. In some ways that too was Paul’s doing and the pain in his soul throbbed as he motioned for Carl to pull up a chair.

No, but I had a rough go last night.

Oh? Thought you had some dinner date?

I did, it was afterwards… uh Carl?

Yes?

What do you know about Terry? His background I mean.

Not much, why?

I fucked up, maybe, I don’t know… shit, Carl I don’t know what to do.

It was obvious to Carl that something was wrong with Rob. He looked closely at him and saw something unusual. There was no attempt to hide his feelings which Rob normally did. Thinking about it Rob had seemed changed this last week, more open in some ways, more mysterious in other ways.

Whoa slow down a bit here, you fucked up how and what does it have to do with Terry?

Shit, I don’t know if… hell, you have to promise me something first.

What?

Promise that you won’t say anything about this, not to anyone, not even to your own confessor, you have to promise me Carl…

His interest was fully involved now as he listened to Rob’s voice. There was a definite hint of fear as well as determination in it. He could tell that if he didn’t agree Rob would clam up which wasn’t exactly unusual for Rob, what was unusual was that he actually wanted to talk to him about something important, something personal.

Okay, I suppose I can do that but what is it? You get some girl pregnant?

If only it was that simple.

If only? Talk about being dramatic or what, Christ you are sounding like some friggin queen, give already.

He couldn’t look at Carl but he knew that he had to tell him, to let it all out if he was to have any hope of getting the right kind of advice. It was strange really, but as terrifying as it was to say the words he knew he had to.

I am seeing a guy.

Carl felt his jaw falling to the floor as he peered closely at Rob. This was the last thing he ever expected. Okay maybe he had thought that the straight routine was a bit much still nothing Rob had done in all his time working here showed he had any interest in guys. Nothing and yet now here he was telling him that he was seeing a guy? It couldn’t be true, it just didn’t fit his notion of what or who Rob was.

WHAT?

Ssshhh, not so fucking loud.

I didn’t hear that right, did I?

Uh huh.

Fuck, for real? A guy? Like in dating and all that?

Yeah, I know its strange…

Strange hell, its so… so all this time you have been…

Rob didn’t know why it mattered but he had to make Carl understand that this wasn’t about some physical attraction or sex thing. He felt like he had to convince him of how real it was or maybe it was that he still needed to convince himself? Either way he knew it was important as he leaned forward, his head downcast so he didn’t’ have to stare into Carl’s face.

No, its not like that. I can’t explain it, I mean okay yeah I can say some guys are good looking but no guy has ever, I mean they just don’t do anything for me, not like the girls have… until now.

You mean this guy gets your motor going more than any girl has?

Oh yeah, and scares me more too.

Scares you?

Yes, but that’s not the worst of it.

Carl felt a strange sense of unease as he listened to Rob’s soft halting voice. There was definite fear and panic in it as he tried to speak what was on his mind. He didn’t know why but he felt like something terrible was about to happen and what it had to do with Terry was a mystery to him. Why did Rob want to know about Terry’s background? Did he know something, was this guy an old trick of Terry’s or what?

Shit, okay… I am all ears.

I think… no I know that this guy I am seeing, is uh… fuck I can’t say it.

Come on Rob, what is it? This guy some married dude? Shit… wait you aren’t seeing Ashley? I mean…

A hint of anger entered his voice as he answered Carl. How could Carl think he would even consider doing something like that to Terry or Ashley? Mind you he had to admit, he had been sort of attracted to Terry but not that way. Least he had never let himself think that but now, shit was he that fucked up? Did people like Carl who should have known him better think he was that type? God what else had he fucked up?

NO! God I’d never do that to Terry or to Ashley… besides no one could get between those two, shit you see how they are together, no… but..

But what already?

It’s Terry’s brother, least… well I am pretty sure it is…

It wasn’t what he had thought. For a second he had thought that somehow Rob had gotten in between Terry and Ashley but then after he had said the words he felt the shame. Nothing could come between those two and besides, Rob wasn’t the type to do that. No he was wrong in thinking that but Terry having a brother? That was even more of a shock.

He had known Terry for some time, and over the years they had become what he had thought as being friends. How could Terry have a brother and he not know about it? For an instant he felt a bit angry that Terry would hide something like that, angrier that Rob would be the one to get the news.

Terry’s brother? He has a brother?

I don’t know, least not 100%, but yeah, I think so.

Who is this guy? I mean how did you…

You remember that tall guy with the short blond hair that came here just before I took the weekend off?

It had nagged at the back of his mind since he had lain eyes on that guy. The way he had looked so familiar and then too the way he had acted. It all fit now as if a light bulb had gone off. The similarity was too uncanny for him not to be related to Terry. They had the same look, the same mannerisms.

Yeah… shit… now it fits…

What fits?

The guy looked familiar, hell I even asked him if I knew him when he came in that night… now it fits, he’s an older version of Terry, the shorter hair fooled me… Christ… does he know Terry comes here? I mean… god have you told Terry?

No… just you and let’s keep it that way.

Why? I mean… is there bad blood or something between them?

Not that I know, from what little Paul told me, Terry and he had some really wacko parents, the real religious type, you know the kind that believe God is their personal God?

Oh shit, yeah I know that type.

Well from what I gather, Paul did something stupid around graduation time, 8 years ago or so and Terry wouldn’t let him fess up, Terry took the rap and it got him the boot.

Thinking back Carl realized that Terry had told him a similar tale. Something about how his parents were super religious and how his father had gone off the deep end, and that his mother had remarried some evangelist type dude that had hung around. He never had gone into much but from what little he had said Carl knew it wasn’t a happy home. Now it was all coming together.

Fuck.

Yeah, in some ways though its not that bad. I wish I had gotten the boot a lot earlier.

So, they haven’t kept in touch?

Couldn’t, least not if Paul wanted to go to college and get his degree, which he has several of now.

Really?

Yeah he’s some marine biologist or something like that, got a big research job at Marine World and well, he took it cause, he wants to find Terry again.

So you didn’t tell him about knowing Terry?

No, I was too stunned at first, and then… Carl I got scared, this guy means a lot to me… I am afraid that… that…

Shit you got it as bad as the kids don’t you?

Yeah

Have you two uh, well you know? Have you?

No, not yet, not even sure if it’ll go that way, oh hell yes I am, just don’t want to admit it or maybe it still scares me, I mean I have never…

Never?

Strange, he could discuss that part so calmly. No guy had ever made him feel this way and yet in his heart he knew he wanted to feel Paul in the way Carl had meant. It scared him but also thrilled him. Now all that was at risk and he had no idea what to do.

No, never.

Wow, and yet… well, you do have it bad.

Uh huh. Carl? What should I do? Do I tell Terry first or do I tell Paul? If I do, I mean will he be pissed cause I didn’t tell him last night, or what?

Well, you sure he feels the same way about you? I mean, well you been around, you know some guys aren’t uh, well…

I am sure. He’s like Terry Carl, I can see it now, the way he acts, its shit, it’s really the same way Terry acted around Ashley, you could see it, and besides, if he was like the others, I’d know it. No, he feels the same, I know it.

Then you need to tell him Rob, it’s the only way.

But what do I say? How do I tell him now? I mean…

Look, the longer you wait the worse it’ll be. Tell him the truth, tell him you were freaked out, that you got scared or is there some other reason you didn’t tell him?

I don’t know, maybe.

Oh?

I don’t know, shit this is all so new, I mean… the whole thing is freaky and yet, well… he means a lot to me, can’t really explain why.

Rob if he comes here and sees Terry and you haven’t told him, it’ll be the worse thing possible, so you really should tell him.

I know, just guess I needed someone to kind of push me, I am seeing him tonight after work. Guess that’s as good as any time, uh… what about Terry?

What about him?

Should I say anything? He usually comes down with Ashley, should I tell him?

No, not until you’ve told this Paul guy. You sure he’s Terry’s brother? I mean they do look alike but…

I am sure, wasn’t at first but yeah, I am now. I spent the whole night going over things, the way he talks, the way he even smiles, the eyes, everything says they are brothers. It’s freaking me out Carl, I mean… I really dig this guy, it is like, well… I can’t stop thinking of him. I don’t know if I should tell Terry now or what, I mean either way I get screwed in this.

Maybe, but it isn’t Terry you want now is it?

No.

So, better he be pissed at you than the guy you want don’t you think?

Yeah, still, don’t really want anyone pissed at me.

So, you can tell Terry tomorrow, they come down Saturdays too, this way you can tell Paul tonight, then Terry tomorrow.

What if Paul doesn’t want me to? What then?

Then you tell him you have to, just like you had to tell him, you are Terry’s friend too.

I guess, man this is complicated. How’d I get into this?

I don’t know, but you are in it now. You really like this Paul guy huh?

Yeah. Weird how we just, I don’t know, its like we can read each other’s thoughts. He knows just what to say or not, and I don’t know, I have never felt this way before.

Well, there is that isn’t there? Look, if this guy is like Terry, he’ll understand. If he feels the same way about you as you say you feel, well, it’ll work out, usually does.

Does it? My track record isn’t so hot…

Yeah but that was more about sex, this isn’t, right?

No, it isn’t about sex. Damn this is hard. I don’t know if I can keep this from Terry when he comes down.

Want me to put you in the back section?

Maybe, I don’t know if I can handle the other sections.

Terry and Ashley will find you no matter what section you work.

Yeah, just not sure if I can focus enough for the others, I mean… shit I don’t know what I mean, its so weird Carl. I mean I am scared of telling Paul yet all I can think of is that it is 8 hours till I get to see him again. Stupid huh?

No, I bet if you were to ask Ashley or Terry about when they are away from each other that they’ll tell you that is about all they think about too.

Funny but that was how he thought too. The very few times that he had seen one without the other you could tell where their mind was. Was he really like them? God if he was it would be so great but what if he fucked it up? What if he was wrong or worse, what if Carl was wrong? How did he know anyhow?

Really?

Yeah.

You ever feel that way?

Once, a long time ago.

Really?

Yeah but we won’t talk about that now.

Okay.

So, look its getting time, you want the back section?

I guess, yeah.

Okay well go get the float and get set up, it’s that time. Uh Rob?

Yeah?

If he cares, like you say, he won’t be pissed, just give him time to digest it when you tell him, okay?

Yeah… he really does miss him. I know that at least.

Well, least with you around he’ll have someone to lean on, I mean, it cant be easy to find someone you have missed for so long, keep that in mind okay? He’s gonna need your shoulder I think.

Yeah. Thanks Carl.

Go on, get to work.

*****

At first it was slow but slowly as more people came in, some of the regulars that always sought him out found their way down to the back section. It was kind of flattering though his mind wasn’t really on them. He was still trying to piece it all together or maybe just get himself ready for what could be the most pivotal moment in his relationship with Paul.

He wanted to believe Carl, that Paul would be happy not pissed but he just couldn’t quite make it over that hurdle. He should have said something last night or at least this morning when Paul called. He should have but he couldn’t. Would Paul understand or not? That was the only thing that seemed to matter to him as he struggled with keeping his customers happy.

A couple had even noticed his distraction but he had sloughed that off until just after 11 when he saw Ashley up at the front of the bar. He stood there stunned for a moment as he saw him looking around the bar. The look on his face was of concern and worry which struck a nerve inside of him. He watched mesmerized as Ashley surveyed the crowded bar and then finally glanced his way. Their eyes met and Ashley smiled and began to head in his direction. It chilled him as he watched the way Ashley moved effortlessly past many of the staring faces. He was a hot looking guy and he could see many of the older guys drooling, also seeing that they knew he was unapproachable. Funny how that worked he thought as he tried to collect his thoughts.

Hey

Hey

Terry here?

Rob tried not to stare but it was hard. Even Ashley asking him about Terry set his nerves jangling. Christ he knew Terry wasn’t here, it was like the two of them had radar for each other. It never seemed to matter but he could see Terry look up the instant Ashley would come out of the bathroom or the way Ashley’s head would move towards where Terry was when he had gone to order a drink and was on his way back to the table. They just seemed to know.

Not yet, haven’t seen him, doesn’t he meet you at work?

Yeah but he’s been busy working on something.

It was how he looked more than how he had said it. You could almost see the tension inside of Ashley as he had spoke. It made Rob’s heart skip a beat as he tried to keep himself from asking what Terry was working on. Funny too was how in the past he’d have assumed it was merely a trick but ever since that night at the bar, when the two of them had danced together he knew Terry didn’t hustle any more. Kind of like how he suddenly didn’t want to drink now that he knew Paul.

Oh?

He felt uneasy as he looked around the crowded bar. There wasn’t any sign of Terry and yet he wasn’t all that surprised. Terry was having a lot of trouble in writing his letter to Paul. The hours he had spent already were many but Ashley knew there wasn’t much he could do to help. Only thing for him was to be there, to rub Terry’s shoulder now and then and maybe kiss him on the back of the neck as he struggled with what to say.

Ashley felt worried for Terry too. What if Paul didn’t want to hear from him? It would devastate Terry but then if he didn’t, well fuck him then he thought. He prayed though that that wouldn’t happen still he was preparing himself just in case. He didn’t’ know why, but he had felt uneasy all week as Terry tried to write the letter.

In some odd sense he actually felt a bit jealous of Paul. The way Terry seemed so consumed by the letter this last few days made him feel, well left out. Course it wasn’t Terry’s fault, it was his. He knew how important it was so why did he seem to feel cheated almost? It bugged him but he didn’t know what to do about it? Who could he talk to he wondered but then he knew there really wasn’t anyone. It was too personal and besides, he was just being silly. After all Terry loved him in a way no one else could.

Despite the rational thought he couldn’t help how he was feeling. At first he was a bit put off by Terry not showing up at work. He loved the time walking down the street with him, just being close like that. Now that he was here and still no Terry he felt worried.

Crazy thoughts went through his mind. Some of them so real though that he felt himself shake a bit as he finally had spotted Rob. Now here he was talking to him but all he could think about was Terry. About where he might be or worse, if maybe he had decided that Ashley wasn’t for him. God he’d die if that ever happened, if Terry left him. He couldn’t’ imagine living if he couldn’t snuggle in next to Terry at night, or feel his warmth breathe on his cheeks in the morning.

Yeah, kind of personal, say how come you got stuck back here? You do something to piss off Carl?

Huh? Oh, no, uh, I uh, I got a headache so thought I’d work this area, quieter and all.

Doesn’t look all that quiet.

Didn’t work out quite like I had planned, but still…

Well guess I’ll wait here.

Uh, sure, uh, get you a drink?

Okay, maybe a coke?

Nothing else?

The way Rob talked made him finally look at him closely. There was something different about him that puzzled Ashley. Rob knew that he rarely drank much these days and yet it was like he had simply forgotten. Weird too was how Rob kept turning away from him, as if he was trying to hide something or worse. He felt a chill as he tried to figure out what could be upsetting Rob.

Nah, say, you okay Rob?

Sure why?

I don’t know, you got a strange look, maybe you should have taken the night off…

Rob could feel Ashley’s eyes boring down on him and he shuffled his feet. He knew he couldn’t look him in the eyes because if he did somehow Ashley might figure it out. How he wasn’t sure but the paranoia was taking hold as he tried to break it off, knowing that he was only adding to the confusion in Ashley’s mind. It couldn’t be helped as he shuffled and started to move on desperate to get away even, hoping he could just make it beyond the next minute.

Yeah well, can’t now, uh, I’ll be back with your coke.

Okay, say if you see Terry let him know where I am okay?

Okay.

*****

He found himself pacing the deck for some odd reason. He didn’t know why but he felt uneasy tonight. Hell he had felt that way since last night actually and even more so after he had called Rob earlier. It wasn’t like Rob to be evasive but something had happened that spooked him. He wished he knew what it was because it was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn’t want to cause any stress to Rob.

Paul had wanted everything to go well last night. It had been important to him and yet somehow, he knew he had failed. It was eating at him because Rob was consuming his thoughts. It wasn’t about the sex either though the mere thought of Rob would give him a raging erection that wouldn’t quit. He hadn’t jerked himself off so many times as he had since coming back to dock on Monday. It unnerved him too because when he was with Rob, the idea of sex seemed unimportant.

Yet when apart all he could think of was how it would feel to touch Rob’s naked body, to hold him and feel his body mould into his own. It was driving him crazy and yet at the same time he knew that no matter what he thought it might feel like that when it did happen it would be totally beyond what he had thought. He couldn’t explain it really but he just knew that once they did have sex, it would be a moment that he’d never forget. It also would be a moment when he knew that they would also be committed to each other.

Perhaps it was that which made him impatient. He wanted to feel that now but knew it would take time. There was so much to get past first and yet in some ways he knew they were already together. The way he could feel Rob’s heart beat or even some of his thoughts. It was like learning all about a part of yourself and not about some stranger.

He couldn’t stop thinking of Rob, it was like he was obsessed by him. It scared him really because he hadn’t let himself feel this way before. Ever since Terry had left he had kept to himself, afraid of opening up. If he was honest he would have to say it really wasn’t all that hard to explain.

Loving Terry so totally, so completely had split them apart. The loss was almost unbearable at times and so if he ever did it again he risked that happening again. He doubted if he could bear to go thru that again and yet here he was, doing exactly that with Rob. He hated himself for it but couldn’t stop either. Maybe he should see a shrink but what good would that do? He knew in his heart that he craved the love that only Rob it seemed could give him. There really wasn’t much of a choice for him.

Once more his mind came back to last night as he stared out at the stars. Least he had gotten Rob’s assurance that he’d come over after work. He found it hard to accept that Rob worked in a gay bar but wasn’t gay and yet at the same was interested in him. He still wasn’t sure how that had happened but then maybe he should stop questioning how and just enjoy what was? Maybe he should quit trying to find a reason for everything and just trust in his own instincts?

Terry used to tell him that. He would kid him that Paul was way to much the scientist, that he needed to loosen up if he ever wanted to have a real love affair. Course that coming from a guy who kept looking for a new sex partner every other week was a bit odd. But then too, Terry’s answer was simple. He enjoyed the feelings he got from the sex, and until he found the right guy it would have to do as a substitute. Funny, they both really wanted the same thing but Terry at least had the guts to look, not like him.

He moved around the boat staring out at nothing really. The sea was glistening as it always did and the stars shimmered as usual but he saw none of it. His eyes were blank as a sense of heaviness hung over him. What had he done that made Rob back off so quickly last night? What had he said that maybe turned Rob off? It all went thru his mind as he tried to figure it out.

Paul could tell in Rob’s voice that something had made him edgy, had once more made him seem aloof. What could he have done? As hard as he tried to figure it out he kept drawing a blank. He knew something he had said or done had made Rob go cold on him but what? Maybe it was all the talk about Terry? Could that be it? Could Rob be upset with him for how he kept going on and on about Terry?

It might be as he remembered how Rob looked just after he showed him Terry’s picture. It was like being jealous maybe, but shit, Terry was his brother not lover. Christ maybe he thought that he and Terry had been more than just brothers? He had heard about that so maybe that was it? Whatever it was he felt certain it had to do with his mentioning Terry. Damn how insensitive could he be? He knew he shouldn’t be so compulsive but he couldn’t get Terry off his mind either.

Ever since he picked Rob off the swimming platform the thought of finding Terry had grown inside. The resolve as well but along with that came the constant thinking about Rob. He would daydream even and work hadn’t been much better. He would suddenly stop realizing he had been dreaming about him and Rob off on some deserted island in the Pacific. The two of them just enjoying the simple life with maybe the dolphins joining in now and then. As for people, well they never seemed to exist in his dreams, only Rob suddenly the exception.

Strange he thought, but it was the dream that he and Terry used to share as kids. They would talk about going off on some schooner to a nice small island. There they would swim and sunbathe all day long, doing nothing but enjoying the clear blue sky. In their dream they never worried about life and food was what they grew on the small island itself. They would have a lagoon where they would swim every day and sometimes would have a pair of dolphins enter who would chirp and natter as they frolicked among them. It was their own personal heaven and now he had those dreams again, but there was no Terry, just Rob.

Paul felt a chill in the very marrow of his bones as he stopped to stare out at the water. He could see the eyes staring up at him and knew that Tobias was there, but he too seemed quiet and reflective. It was an eerie feeling as he waited for the time to move on. Maybe he could get dressed and meet Rob at the bar? That would be fun but as he thought about it he also realized that it wouldn’t be right. Rob would think he was maybe checking up on him or didn’t trust him to show up. No, as much as he wanted to end the suspense in his mind he had to wait here, trust that Rob would show up.

He stood looking out at the water, staring at Tobias off in the distance and he could feel the loneliness creeping up inside. Everything was looking so bleak to his eyes that he rubbed them, hoping to erase the growing darkness. If only he could figure out what he had said or done. Maybe then he could feel more at ease or at least less frightened. Paul glanced at his watch, seeing that it wasn’t even midnight yet. It was going to be a long night until Rob showed up, if he did. God what if he didn’t? The idea hurt and he brushed it aside, choosing instead to believe that whatever it was he had done last night, Rob wouldn’t just disappear on him. Least he had that to fall back on.

The noise suddenly broke thru his thoughts and his eyes moved out along the water. He stared as there were four sets of yellow eyes peering up at him. For the first time he saw all four dolphins close up and he stood there, shivering in the warm night air. It had an eerie feeling to it as he stared at the four torpedo shapes that looked up at him.

Slowly he sat down on the front bow, his legs dangling over the side but his eyes didn’t move from those staring back at him. They just looked up at him, unblinking or moving and he could hear the wind blowing around him. The ropes creaking and the boat rising gently to the small current that flowed into the tiny inlet. It was all so calm and yet his heart kept racing as if it knew, as if it could sense what the dolphins seemed to already know. He just sat there, feeling a deep sadness that threatened to overwhelm him. He shuddered a few times as he stared back, wishing he could understand their thoughts, wishing he knew what it was that they were waiting for.

 

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