Books Entertain, & Arouse.

Chapter 12

Ashley was off cleaning up as Terry stretched out on the sofa. He felt rested and rather pleased. The day had started off weird with that crazy dream but then the love making with Ashley had wiped the fear away. The shower after had been almost as much fun and for a second he smiled reliving one of many precious moments of the day. It was strange how much they had grown together over the last few weeks.

He had really expected the sex to dwindle but so far, knock on wood, it hadn’t. If anything he craved Ashley more each day. Being alone without him near was pure hell at times too which made him feel guilty. As much as he missed Ashley he knew that it was worse for Ashley yet he couldn’t make his appointments to match Ashley’s work schedule. Banks and all those other people that Ken had him seeing didn’t work at nights. Still he wished he could get all this paper crap done with.

His legs ached a bit as he lay there, picking up the newspaper for a chance to get caught up on life. They had gone out for a few things and wound up spending hours just walking around. They had gone to the park and enjoyed the fresh scent of nature, even once or twice holding hands though not all that often. It was one thing to do it in the bar but out here in straight land was something different.

It pissed him off as he would see guys kissing their girls and the way they would horse around in the park. It wasn’t that it offended him but it made him wish he too could have that. It would be nice to walk under the large trees of Balboa Park with Ashley’s head on his shoulder. It would be near heaven to just stroll along the paths holding hands, stopping now and then for a kiss under a tree. Hell to just lean against some of the old trees wrapped up in each others arms would be a treat but this wasn’t San Francisco .

Still they had found moments when they could touch. They’d walk and he’d notice no one around or Ashley would and their fingers would just naturally gravitate to the other’s hand. There would be times when he would find his hand resting lightly on Ashley’s shoulder or Ashley’s on his. It felt so exciting and yet there was always the ever present danger lurking near.

Today had been perfect in that regard. They had found the walkway quiet and had managed to go for some distance with their hands clasped tightly together, their bodies closer than normal. It felt so good but he knew it wouldn’t last. Trouble was that it was natural to want, to feel this way. It was how people in love acted and it was becoming harder and harder to deny those natural impulses.

The more they were together the more they wanted to be closer. Terry could see the dangers but Ashley couldn’t. After all his life had been sheltered more than Terry’s. He hadn’t seen a group of kids swarm over another that merely looked gay never mind had been. Ashley hadn’t seen the rage cross people’s faces as he had when seeing two men holding hands and some of those faces belonged to so called Men of God. No, it was becoming a risk and sitting there he felt the panic reaching for him.

No one had ever gotten to him like Ashley. He knew deep down in his soul that without Ashley he was incomplete, that life as he knew it wouldn’t be life if Ashley wasn’t a part of it. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for him but as hard as he wanted to protect him he was smart enough to know he couldn’t. He knew it hurt Ashley when he would pull his hand out from Ashley’s as some sailors would approach. He could feel the pain in Ashley’s heart when he would stop to look around before reaching over to plant a small peck on Ashley’s cheek.

All that weighed on him as he stared at the newspaper, wondering if maybe they should move elsewhere. Maybe this city wasn’t for them but no where was safe. He knew San Francisco had more tolerance, but that didn’t seem enough. The risk and danger was there as much as it was here so there wasn’t any choice really. He didn’t really know why he kept thinking of Paul either. It was like what had happened so many years ago was merely a test of what was to come.

The dreams that were beginning again scared him but he didn’t know where to turn. Life seemed good and yet that nagging feeling was always there. Perhaps a little less now that Ashley was so near, but once Ashley was gone to work the fear rose and tormented him. He knew it was irrational and he should be thankful for what he had but Terry wanted more. He wanted to be like any other couple and why was that so wrong?

His so called step father had called him a godless creature, unworthy of even God’s love but in his heart he never quite believed that. The pain those words had caused was real none the less. If he was to be truthful, leaving had been a blessing to him. He knew what the consequences would be if he took the blame for Paul  which fit with his own secret desires. Being honest he knew it was not courage that made him do it or even love for his older brother but was selfish.  He knew he would be sent packing and that was what he wanted. It was his chance to escape, his opportunity to be who he was without their constant abuse.

Sure he had told Paul a bunch of stuff about following his dreams, about him needing to stay and tough it out so he could go on with reaching his goals but the truth was he did it so he could get away instead of Paul. He wasn’t exactly proud of that and it had haunted him ever since. It had also led to a few dreams that for the most part he had put behind him. Just that lately they were returning and he couldn’t quite figure out why.

Knowing Paul as he did he most likely admired Terry for what he did. He might even attribute it to some higher loftier purpose but Terry knew the truth. One day he’d have to tell Paul but so far he had managed to avoid that. Yet in his heart he knew that day was coming closer. It frightened him as much as his growing love for Ashley was making him a nervous wreck.

This was why he never let anyone in, he thought as he turned the pages of the newspaper. It was too damn emotional and yet even as he cursed himself for falling for Ashley he knew he was just as happy that he had. There was a sense of purpose to his life now that actually made sense to him. Not the planned business but that he was here to make Ashley happy. That in itself gave him a sense of worth he had never felt before.

Knowing how much he loved Ashley wasn’t helping him in one sense. He wanted to please him so much that he ignored the warnings he had learnt the hard way. He knew he shouldn’t have let Ashley kiss him at the market earlier. He knew it but he couldn’t deny him either so he felt nervous. What if something was to happen, could he cope with it? What if some asshole started something, would he run and if he did, would Ashley understand? Just thinking about it made him quiver because he knew that any life that didn’t have Ashley wasn’t a life he wanted. He loved him so he knew the answers. If trouble did come and his mind knew it would, he would not run, he would not leave but would face it. There was nothing else he could do. He was in love.

You are looking solemn, something wrong?

Terry lifted his head up to see the tall young man in front of him. He smiled as all he could think of in that second was how much he loved Ashley. The fact he was naked and dripping didn’t register at first, instead it was the how much he needed him, cared for him. Terry felt a tear at his eye as he realized the truth of what he had been thinking about.

Nothing your smile can’t cure, but a kiss would help more.

Oh well then…

Ashley moved closer quickly. The wide smile only becoming broader as he came to stand above the sprawled figure of Terry. Terry could feel his love as he bent down to kiss him but instead he tossed his wet hair to and fro, soaking him with a fine spray of water that only made his love feel even stronger.

Bitch.

Yep.

I’ll get you for that.

Yum, I can’t wait for that.

Damn you are impossible.

I try

You succeed.

So?

So what?

What’s got the hound dog look happening?

Nothing, just thinking.

He couldn’t believe it still. Terry loved him and it was like being hit with a thunderbolt each time he would smile at Ashley. The patter of his heart always made him tingle but he knew that Terry was still struggling with his feelings. Ashley could see his hesitancy at times which bothered him in one sense but in another only made him want Terry more.

I knew I smelt rubber burning but I thought it was just you trying to cook again.

It was funny how a smile or turn of Ashley’s head could make him feel so at ease, so content. It constantly amazed him how much he now relied on Ashley when the truth was he had rarely if ever relied on anyone. Well that wasn’t quite true, he had relied on Paul as a kid. God he wished he could have that back.

I thought you liked my cooking?

Oh I do, least some things…

God you are impossible, don’t you ever get enough?

Not of you sexy, uh, think you can uh, do your magic again… old man…

Old man? Christ, so I am a few years older, how’d I become an old man? Besides, its you who winds up falling asleep afterwards… I am just getting started.

Oh right, tell me another story. Besides I really don’t fall asleep, I just let you think that so you don’t wear yourself out.

Damn you got a smart mouth…

Ashley laughed and then with a mischievous smile he reached down and let his hand grope at Terry’s hard crotch. He could feel the press of the penis against the pants as his eyes never once left Terry’s face. He loved him so much that while his hands were gently prodding the thick hard shaft inside the pants his eyes were locked deep onto Terry’s soul. Ashley felt his own body shudder as he felt the love burning there and he knew that he had been right, that Terry was his soul mate. He knew it the instant he had seen him but each moment that they spent together only proved him right. God how he loved him.

Terry could feel the pain inside as his soul felt Ashley’s gaze reaching for him. He felt the desire welling up once more as he tossed aside the newspaper and reached up with his hands to grab at Ashley’s bare shoulders. The smell of shampoo mingled with the scent of love that flowed between them. He could feel his body growing irritated at the confines of his clothes and yet his eye wandered for a brief instant. That was all it took and he felt a cold chill suddenly hit him.

His body shook as his eyes now were glued to the fallen newspaper and the small photo that resided under the dark black headline. A sob escaped his lips before he could recover but the moment had not passed unnoticed. Ashley’s face was suddenly turned from him, following Terry’s face towards the paper.

What is it?

That picture… Ashley hand me that.. God it can’t be… it can’t.

Ashley bent over Terry’s prone body and snatched the fallen paper up. He couldn’t see what it could be that had so frozen Terry. It frightened him as he handed the paper over to Terry. The room had suddenly become dark to him and he blinked as he saw Terry snatch the paper with trembling hands. He had never seen him this way and it scared him.

Terry…

My God..

What? Christ you are scaring me, what is it…

Terry had read the small article that was inset next to the grainy photograph of the young new research assistant at Marine World. The announcement was nothing special and conveyed nothing special except for the name. Terry hadn’t needed to read that to know that the man staring out at the camera was Paul.

His heart was beating a mile a second. Sweat was pouring off his forehead as he sat up on the sofa. Everything was suddenly changed and he felt the panic inside. He had known that one day they would meet again, but he never expected it like this. He had known but now it was there, staring at him in the face. Terry couldn’t run anymore, he couldn’t hide anymore as he once more read the short announcement.

There was pride inside his aching chest as he read the list of degrees already attached to his brother’s name. There was admiration too in that he at least now knew that Paul had done exactly as he had promised. He had reached for his dream and was well on his way to having it all. There also was the hurt too as the article said he had arrived a month ago and was settling in nicely. A whole month and not a word?

Course that was irrational because Paul would have no way of knowing that Terry lived here. He had deliberately not kept in touch, afraid of having to explain the truth to Paul, knowing that if anyone could read his mind it would be Paul. There was also shame for what he had allowed himself to do simply for the sake of staying alive. As much as Paul might have been a normal kid back then, he was also a bit of a prude at times.

Now it was all staring at him in the face. Paul was here and he didn’t know what to do. Memories were flashing past his eyes at warp speed. He could see glimpses of their childhood and he felt the ache of not hearing Paul’s’ voice or of seeing him right now. Part of him wanted to reach for the phone to find him while another part kept him glued in the sofa in stunned disbelief.

Then too there was the anger. If he was here why hadn’t he gotten in touch? Of course that wasn’t fair because he had taken great pains to try and stay out of Paul’s reach. He had deliberately tried to keep himself hidden from his mother’s long reach and knew that contacting Paul could endanger them both. He had hidden yet he still felt let down that maybe Paul would have tried. Course he might have and simply failed but then Paul wasn’t the type to just let something go. He would work at a problem till it was solved. That was his brother and as he stared at the face, gazing deep into the lifeless eyes in the photograph Terry knew that Paul hadn’t come here by chance. He knew Paul had found him, just as Ashley had found him.

Terry…

I am okay, uh.. here.

He handed the paper to Ashley who took it and stared at it then back at Terry. He didn’t quite know what to look for and the fear he had was becoming almost unbearable. His eyes moved across the page trying to see what had made Terry suddenly turn to stone and at the same time his eyes also tried to watch Terry. At last the picture got his attention.

At first he skimmed past it but then something about the image made him stop and go back. He stared now at the photograph of some scientist type dude at Marine World and then back at Terry.

Suddenly it clicked in, as he stared once more at the photograph. It was an older Terry but with shorter hair. He could see the resemblance now and his eyes bore in on the small print. Ashley began to read the brief words and stopped dead as he read the name of the man in the picture. Paul Jamison and then he knew what had made Terry go white and tremble.

Terry…

He had seen the recognition dawn on Ashley’s face. He could also see the thousand and one questions popping into his head as he sighed. How was he going to tell the one he loved that he had failed his brother so many years ago? What would Ashley think of him after hearing that?

Yes, it’s my brother.

I never uh, I mean you never…

I know… guess I should have but, well we never seem to get to that stuff… I am sorry.

It’s okay, you act like, I mean…

I left home at 14, we haven’t seen or talked to each other since.

Christ…

Yeah, but Ash, I never forgot him.

Ashley felt a stab of pain right in his heart. The way Terry spoke only made him cringe in fear. It was like something dark and dangerous had come out from hiding and was about to attack them both. He could see the pain etched across Terry’s brow which made his own heart tremble in fear. He didn’t know quite what to say but looking at Terry he could also hear his father at the bus stop again. It all felt wrong because he wasn’t losing Terry, yet the pain in Terry’s voice was no different than the tone his father had used when he had talked about his mother.

I know babe, uh, do you want to talk about it now? I mean, you know I am here for you, right?

He felt chilled and yet at the same time he felt strangely calm. It was almost as if a heavy weight had been lifted, at least partially. Terry still didn’t know what he could say or how Ashley would take it even. It scared him that he might lose Ashley’s respect and he fought himself on how much he could or would say.

Yeah, I know… but…

But what?

I don’t know if I can Ash, it’s not exactly… I mean…

The shock was wearing off a little. Still he wondered why Terry had never mentioned his brother. Was he ashamed of the guy or did something happen between them? Christ he was imagining so many weird things that he felt a bit cold. What if the guy was some pervert or something? Hell he could have raped Terry for all he knew. Ashley felt a strange fear inside as he realized he was doing exactly what his step mother had done to him. He was condemning a person he didn’t know, assuming the worse simple because the person was gay. Least he assumed that just as she had assumed he would try something dirty with his step brothers.

He do something to you? If he did I’ll…

No, no nothing like that. He was, is a good guy. He’s the one with the brains, I was the one with the mouth. He’s cool, it is just, well he got into trouble and I sort of, well I made him let me take the blame.

The cops?

No, wish it was that, but no with the parents.

Oh.

Yeah, guess you kind of know that one huh?

Strange but he hadn’t really thought much about them until now. Suddenly the shrieks of his step mother were echoing in his ears as if she was standing right there once again. The sad expression on his father’s face afterwards was no different than the one on Terry’s face right this second. His heart ached as he nodded.

Uh huh.

Thing is Ash, I am not proud of what I did…

I don’t, I mean if you took the heat, that had to take some guts, didn’t he uh, I mean…

Oh we argued about it some, but see, well… this isn’t easy for me to say, specially to you.

Why? I mean..

The words had come out without thinking. He realized he had put himself into a corner. Terry didn’t understand how he could lose such control over his mouth but then the burning fires inside told him why. He loved Ashley and he knew deep down that he’d have to tell him. He couldn’t bear to keep this a secret from him even if it meant losing Ashley. Better to find out now before it was too late. In thinking that he knew it was already too late. God please let Ashley understand he prayed as he drew his legs up under his chin.

I guess cause I don’t want you to think less of me, to ruin the image you have of me, I don’t’ want to disappoint you, I really don’t.

Terry I don’t care what you did 8 or 9 years ago, you aren’t that person now.

In some ways I am Ash, that’s just it. But…

He could feel the fear coming from Terry and it touched him deeply. He could feel the tightening of his lungs as he tried to hold on. Ashley only wanted to reach out and hold Terry, to hug him and protect him but he knew that Terry needed to get it all out. Patience was not his virtue but he tried as he stared at his lover while speaking softly but firmly.

Terry nothing you could have done then can change how I feel now. God man I love you unconditionally, and I know deep down inside that’s how you feel about me, so…

I know, inside but the brain…

Fuck the brain, its what’s in your heart I care about. You know that.

Yes.

Well?

It was a moment of truth for him now. He could either duck the question or even put it off but now was the moment. His heart ached and the pain deep down in his soul hurt more than he thought it would. The mind was silent which was worse than if it had been screaming at him. The love he had for Ashley was there and he knew, there really was no choice. He prayed once more, hoping that he could find the right words and hoping that Ashley would understand and not hate him for his weakness.

Ash, I let him think I did it to protect him, that I took the heat cause he had this dream about being a marine biologist, truth is I took the blame so I’d have an excuse to get kicked out. I just couldn’t take their crap anymore, he was able to handle it better, guess being older and all. I just couldn’t go on with it, I knew that if I stayed I’d wind up in worse shit later on. I let him think I was some big strong selfless person, when I wasn’t. Don’t you see Ashley? I took advantage.. how can I tell him that? I don’t…

Terry stop it, okay, maybe you had personal reasons too, but shit man, at 14 to go out on your own? That isn’t being weak.

Weak? No maybe not weak but certainly selfish, and well cowardly.

No way, to be on your own at that age? Shit no way could I have the guts to do that.

You would if you had to, but yeah it was cowardly. I left him and them. Don’t you see? I ran away really, used their anger as the excuse but I ran. I left him, the one person I loved and trusted. I left him alone to face them, to deal with their crap instead of staying and toughing it out. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, least there would have been both of us together, instead I left him alone to deal with whatever new crap they came up with. I ran, he stayed. You can call it what you want Ashley, but I took the cowards way out, I ran. Maybe if I had stayed I’d never have become a slut…

FUCKING DON’T YOU SAY THAT!

The scream startled him and he stared up at Ashley. He could see the vein on the forehead popping and he realized just how angry Ashley was. It scared him for a moment as he felt the pain that Ashley was feeling. Tears were near his eyes which tore into Terry’s heart. How could he have hurt him so deeply?

Ashley…

NO! I MEAN IT

Calm down… shit, I am only telling it like it is.

He took several deep breathes of air. The pain inside slowly eased a little and his eyes cleared a bit as he tried to control the rage inside. It was strange how near violent he had become. The urge to slap Terry for saying such a thing still lingered which scared him. He loved Terry for who he was, not for some stupid job that he did. Why couldn’t Terry see that? Why did he feel he had to call himself down like that?

No.. no you aren’t. Fuck I hate it when you do that. You aren’t a slut, you didn’t do it to rip guys off, you didn’t do it just cause you had a stiff dick or any of that crap. You did it to live, to survive, that doesn’t make you a slut, I hate that word. You are not one of those…

You are prejudiced, come on Ash, I am sorry but get real…

NO… no, you get real. Christ if that was true we’d not be together now. If that was true Ken wouldn’t be doing what he is for you. Hell if you were that then you’d have jumped my ass that first night, you wouldn’t have tried to protect me. Don’t you dare tell me to get real about who you are, I know who you are. One fucking great guy, the guy I love.

The words were familiar in a way to him which made him cringe a bit. Paul had a similar conversation with him, a long time ago when he had confessed to being active with a guy from their Step Father’s choir. Funny how life changed but never really did. He had sex with the guy to keep the guy from harming himself. To him it had been the right thing to do yet afterwards he had felt dirty, believing maybe some of what his step father had been preaching. Paul had set him straight then just as Ashley was trying to do now. Could they both be right?

Ashley…

I mean it.

I know… I am sorry.

I hate it when you say that kind of shit Terry. It hurts cause, well it makes me feel like you don’t believe how much I love you, that you maybe think that, I don’t know, that I only want you for your body or something. I don’t care if we never have sex, as long as I can be next to you, as long as I can touch you and see you. Stupid I suppose but it really does hurt me inside, bad too, when you say shit like that.

I don’t want to hurt you.

Then believe me when I tell you this, believe me Terry, please.

The fire was a steady roar inside of his body. The chills were slowly being chased away with each word of love that Ashley spoke to him. He could feel it and was amazed at how it all felt. He could see the love deep down in Ashley’s own soul as it reached for him, wanting him even now. It felt so awesome and unreal that he still wasn’t sure if he could believe it, or worse, if he could live up to it.

Okay, I get it. I guess it’s true, you wouldn’t feel this way if I was. It is just, well its not easy for me, I never really let anyone get this close, since Paul and I let him down. I am so… so afraid I’ll let you down.

You can never let me down.

Ashley you don’t know that.

I do know it. Maybe I am crazy but each time I look at you I see how much you love me. I know we all can say shit we don’t mean, but when you say you care for me or love me, I can see it. It isn’t just that I hear it, I really see it and more than that, I feel it inside. Maybe we’ll have fights, guess that’ll happen but Terry, I know that people say that in life only death is certain, well I know one other thing that is certain.

What?

That we love each other, that nothing can or will ever change that, not life and well, I don’t know if you believe in God and all, I sort of do but uh, well, I know that we are meant for each other, that whatever happens isn’t going to change that, nothing.

There were tears rolling down Ashley’s face as he had spoken to him but all Terry could feel was a warmth that made the chills leave along with the fear. He had never felt so wanted as he did at this moment and nothing seemed impossible as long as Ashley was there for him. Maybe he could face Paul, if Ashley was there.

Well, I hope you are right. I know I failed Paul, and its been bugging me, now he’s here.

You didn’t fail him Terry, you did what you had to.

Maybe, doesn’t feel that way inside though.

You haven’t talked to him?

Not since the day I left.

He wasn’t close to his step brothers but looking at Terry now Ashley wondered if they would miss him like Terry was missing Paul? He doubted it but then he felt the twinge of pain as he thought about his own father. He should call him he thought as he tried to focus. What if Paul didn’t want to hear from Terry or worse, what if he did but didn’t approve of him being with Terry? God he’d die if that ever happened. So much to think about but all he could focus on was trying to ease the burden that Terry was feeling.

What are you going to do?

I don’t know, nothing I suppose.

Don’t you want to talk to him, see him?

Yes… and no.

I’d be scared to, but Terry…

What?

Well… maybe if you talk to him the uh, the nightmares will end?

They have nothing to do with him.

Yeah? How come you wake up calling his name then?

He felt a strange emptiness in his stomach as he stared blankly at Ashley for a second or two. He never really remembered much about the nightmares except that they scared him, made him wake up screaming but what he had never really remembered or maybe he did? Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t but simply didn’t want to?

Huh? I don’t do that… do I?

Few times, made me crazy jealous, least now I know who this Paul is you kept calling for.

Shit Ashley, I am sorry, why didn’t you say something?

If he was honest he’d tell him the truth but he couldn’t do that, not right now. There was too much going on in Terry’s head that he couldn’t bring himself to tell him that each time he heard Terry calling that name he would cringe. That each time he heard it he wondered if it was some past lover that he would have to compete with. There was no way he could explain how even as he knew in his heart that Terry loved him he still questioned it in his mind. This wasn’t the time for doubts and besides he had the answers now so what was the point? He lowered his head though, afraid Terry would somehow know the truth.

I didn’t want to pry, besides I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.

I am sorry.

Don’t, it’s okay.

God I love you.

I know… Terry?

Yes?

What’s he like? Paul I mean, uh, did you two, uh…

No.

I’d understand if you did Terry, really I would.

He stared at Ashley’s face and knew it was true. He sighed a bit as memories of their childhood came rushing back to him. He could see them at night, the room dark and quiet and he would wake up to the sound of Paul’s ragged breathing, knowing exactly what he was doing in the bed across the room. It would always excite him and soon he too would be breathing shallow and thinking of some school friend or television actor that had been infatuated with.

Still they rarely said much at those times. It happened a few times but Paul never said much and Terry knew better. It was just something they shared even though they never discussed it much. Paul wasn’t exactly a talker when it came to stuff like that though Terry wished he had been. Sitting here now he kind of wondered if Paul had found anyone yet? It would be nice to know that he had, would even be nicer if they could meet as couples.

I know, but no we were close and shared lots of stuff, but not uh, not that.

Okay… so? What’s he like? He looks like you or you like him, ‘cept for the short hair.

Terry glanced down at the fallen newspaper. Ashley was right, Paul hadn’t really changed much except for the short hair. When they had been kids there wasn’t much to tell them apart. He had worn his hair long because Paul had. Just as he had the longer hair then he still did, judging from the picture. God how he missed Paul but could it ever be like it was?

What’s he like? I don’t know, I guess you’d say he was the quiet type.

A bookworm?

In a way, but not, I don’t know Ash, I guess basically he was one way around others, different when it was just us two.

Uh, you guys talk a lot?

In a way, I mean, thinking back, I don’t know if we really said much, but you could look at him and just know what he was thinking, if he wanted you to, I never could hide anything from him. He could read me better than any book.

Ashley moved up and pushed Terry over a bit on the sofa as he snuggled in under Terry’s arm. He felt the heart beating next to his ear as he rested his head on Terry’s chest. It felt good to lie this way at times. It felt so perfect, to just be like this and yet as he listened to the steady beat of the heart he could feel the turmoil inside his lover’s body. The way the arm was stiff and tense as the muscles were tightly held in check. The way his stomach muscles were coiled and even his nearness didn’t seem to loosen them much.

You really miss him don’t you?

Yeah.

So, what are you going to do?

Fuck I don’t know, I wish I did, I just… what would you do Ash?

Call him.

I can’t

Why not?

How can he explain it? If he called what would he say but worse what if Paul simply hung up on him? How many times had he wondered about just this problem over the years? What would he say to him if he did call or could he even speak? There was just to much doubt and fear for him to do that. He knew that with certainty still, how could he not do something?

Looking at Ashley nestled into his body he could feel the warmth of his love holding onto him. It was what he needed but it felt weakened by his own indecision about Paul. What if Paul did reject his call, could he get past that? At least not knowing there was always hope that it would change, but now that hope was gone. Paul was here and if he did nothing he’d have nothing left to hang onto. Terry felt the fear ripping into his body as he tried to find the courage to do what he knew he should. Turning to Ashley he felt the body move in closer almost as if Ashley sensed his fear.

What if he hangs up? What if, hell what if I hang up, I don’t know…

Then what else can you do? Go see him?

Oh right, that would be great. Walk up and say Hi I am your brother, how’s it going? I don’t think so Ash…

Then what? You can’t just do nothing.

Why not? I have all this time… besides maybe its for the best, I mean a lot has gone on since, maybe he doesn’t want to be reminded of all that again? I mean..

Bullshit.

Ashley, you’re swearing again.

He’s your brother Terry, besides this isn’t just about him, it’s about you too.

No, well okay, a little maybe but…

Think he’s waking up in the middle of the night calling your name? Come on, you know you want to see him.

He sighed as he tried to think of how to answer Ashley. Did Paul have nightmares too? In his heart he thought maybe he did, maybe that was part of it all. As kids Paul had a way of knowing his moods, knowing when he was sulking or hurt. He would spend hours sometimes just sitting on the edge of Terry’s bed, waiting till finally Terry fess up to what was bugging him. Did that ever change? Did he know about Terry’s nightmares even though they had been apart over 8 years?

Okay I do, but… I just can’t walk in on him cold, I mean what if he doesn’t want to see me? I could never handle that face to face… maybe calling is one way, but how?

Call Sea World and ask for him.

Great, call him at work where there are people all around him? That won’t make for a good start.

Yeah I guess not, specially if there are people around it’d be hard, but there has to be a way.

Maybe it’s just not meant to be Ash. It’d be like digging up old wounds. I know the nightmares worry you but I’ve gotten used to them, it’s not a big deal, besides I have you now.

This was a new side of Terry he hadn’t expected to see. It was Terry’s strength and courage that seemed to have attracted him at first but the more he thought about it the more he realized that there had been many shells to his lover. Now he was seeing Terry the person, the real one and he felt a tingle deep inside. He knew that maybe other than Paul there was no one else that Terry would trust to see this part of him. It made him feel special in a whole new way and only made his love for Terry well up even stronger.

Write him.

Huh? What?

Write him to that place, give him your phone number and when to call. That way, well that way you can talk when there is no one around. It’ll be easier for him and for you.

I can’t… what would I say?

The truth, tell him you saw the announcement, that you didn’t call cause you didn’t know if he could talk from work, stuff like that.

Yeah and then what?

Tell him you missed him, or didn’t. I mean, put it on paper. At least he’ll know you still care, and well, it’ll give him a chance to sort of get used to the idea that you are here. It won’t be a shock then, he can sort of get used to the idea again. Just tell him what you want, tell him you still think of him, that you miss him and hope he’ll call, then mail it to that place. Least if he calls you’ll know he still cares.

And if he doesn’t I’ll know he doesn’t.

I guess that is possible, but if he’s like you, well, he’ll call.

Oh? What makes you think that?

His eyes. They look sad, sort of like yours do when you think about him. It’s like I can see how much you miss him, and well, it’s sort of how his eyes look too, I can see it now even.

Damn.

It’s okay.

No, I meant, how’d you get so smart?

Comes from clean living I suppose?

Clean living? Man you leave more of a trail than when there is a garbage strike.

Do not, besides can I help it if I am always in a hurry?

Yes, get up earlier for work.

That doesn’t work.

Why not?

Cause it only gives me more time to be with you which isn’t bad, but it won’t make me rush less for work, but uh, hmmm, it might be an idea to get up earlier.

God you are impossible…

Why? Just cause I want to…

Yeah you always want to… but, shit Ash…

Ashley could see the tears rolling down Terry’s face. He felt the ache in his own heart as he glanced away and just wrapped his arms around his man tighter. He could feel the sobs as he pushed his head hard into Terry’s chest. God he hated seeing him in such pain but all he could do was hold him, to let him know he was there. He felt the pain but he could also feel Terry’s love too. It was all they had and he sighed, hoping that it would be enough.

I know babe, I know.

Maybe you are right, I can’t just do nothing.

Ashley could feel the beat of Terry’s heart, feel it rise then sink down. It was as if a small war was going on inside as Terry fought with himself. All he could do was hold him and he pressed his lips lightly against Terry’s chest, feeling the beating heart stop for a second. In that brief instant Ashley knew that Terry would write Paul, and he prayed silently, hoping that Paul would not run, that he would call. He didn’t know what would happen if he didn’t, but he knew that as hard as that would be he and Terry could survive it. He felt the love and breathed deeply, smelling Terry’s scent that was still tainted by the odour of fear.

Terry felt the press of lips through his shirt and he sighed, letting Ashley’s tender touch soothe his aching spirits. He knew in his heart that he couldn’t just do nothing. He really had no choice now and in some way it was a relief at last to be able to maybe put the past to rest. He missed Paul immensely though he tried to hide it. Funny how lately it was all he had been able to think about despite everything else going on. Ashley was right, he couldn’t let it go and as much as he wanted to believe his own words, the nightmares were not going to go away until he did do something. If anything he knew they would only get worse if he passed on this chance to at least know.

His hand moved out and he found himself caressing Ashley’s hair. It felt wet from his shower still but he could feel more than just the hair. Terry shuddered a bit as he felt the full power of Ashley’s love for him in each strand of hair. He felt the tingle in his fingers as he ran the hand slowly up and down through the wet mop of hair, gaining the strength that he knew he needed. No one other than Paul had ever been able to give him such encouragement and here he was, about to perhaps finally close the book on the one last thing missing from his life… his brother.

 

 

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