Life Lessons Can Be Painful.

Chapter 11

The boat rocked gently against the soft easy swell of the ocean. There wasn’t a cloud around to mar the perfect powder blue of the sky. He stood there, his body rolling gently to the motion underfoot, feeling content. Paul watched the horizon and saw the fill of his sails as the wind blew in a soft gentle breeze, just enough to give him control.

Paul could feel the warmth on his bare chest from the morning sun. He couldn’t recall a time that had made him feel this good. It had so far been the perfect weekend. Even staying up to watch the morning sun the next day had been as perfect as a sunrise could be. To catch the soft warm glow of the sun as it set on their way out and then to watch it return in its brilliance the next morning had been awesome. He had felt a small tear watching it and even Rob had looked like he was feeling the wonder of it as well.

Tobias and his new found friend had shown up for their departure and seemed to always be near at hand. Yet as the sun had risen that day even the endless chatter of the two dolphins had stopped, as if to watch with them the crowning glory of a new day begin. It really felt spiritual in one sense and while he didn’t consider himself overly religious he still marvelled at the beauty of it. After all science was one thing, but nature was something as of yet still unexplained.

They had slept on deck at night, determined to let the morning sun wake them and they weren’t disappointed either. Off and on they caught naps as the boat carried them away from land and from their lives. He didn’t know how to explain it but then it didn’t seem like he had to. Silence wasn’t awkward that night or the next day. It was almost as if they were both just letting the pain of being tied to land evaporate before turning inwards.

He had seen Rob glance back once or twice towards land but when it was no longer visible he seemed to become more relaxed rather than less. It was as if he was suddenly free to be himself without worry and Paul felt no different. Strange how he thought he could gauge Rob’s mood when he was never very good at that stuff. He had always relied on Terry for that kind of insight but Terry was lost to him, at least for now.

Even thinking of his brother out here didn’t seem to be as painful as it would be back on shore. Strange how the wide expanse of the ocean seemed to actually bring him closer to his own thoughts. He always knew that the sea held something special for him. Even in his youth it had held him spell bound which was just one more thing he shared with Terry. God to have him here now would be a cap to a perfect weekend he thought.

It was that notion that finally made him realize that as much as he ached for his loss, he knew it was one of his own making. He vowed silently to correct that now that he was once more able to feel. The mere smell of the ocean had somehow made him come to terms with himself. Asking Rob to join him had been only the first step of many more or so he hoped. He didn’t know what would happen but it no longer seemed to be so terrifying.

Hell if he could go to a gay bar and ask a perfect stranger to come sailing surely he could find the courage to seek out his own brother and correct the wrong he had done him? His heart didn’t seem to object while his mind still had reservation it too seemed to grudgingly accept the notion. All of this because he had asked Rob to come with him.

His eyes moved up forward to where Rob was now. He saw his tussled hair all matted and stringy from being in the salt ocean. They had swum for a bit early yesterday and then just before settling in for dinner and the night. It had been a strange experience to be splashing about with another next to him. It awoke many childhood memories of him and Terry even though he knew Rob was nothing like Terry. Not in looks or even mannerisms but still it made him miss his brother.

The only cloud of the memory was the arrival off in the distance of two more dorsal fins. At first he wasn’t sure if they were dolphins or sharks and was debating on whether or not to move back to the boat but Tobias’ friend suddenly went peeling off towards the two flashing fins. He treaded water watching the dorsal fin moving away and even Rob noticed it, stopping to join him.

Tobias seemed quiet as he moved in close towards Rob and Paul. It wasn’t that he was afraid but more of a reflective mood that puzzled Paul. The dolphin didn’t seem animated as they were wont to be. Instead it stayed near and on occasion he could feel it rub next to him as well as Rob. It had an eerie feel to him that was in stark contrast to how the touch of the dolphin normally made him feel.

They watched as the three dorsal fins joined and they could hear the chatter as if the three were friends or something. Paul didn’t relax though even knowing that the strange fins were just another pair of dolphins. He wondered why the one had moved off to intercept and then he became puzzled as to why the three didn’t come frolicking back towards them. Tobias stayed put which also puzzled him a bit as they tread water, lost it seemed in their own thoughts.

He knew that he had suddenly began to think of Terry and that he shouldn’t wait to find him. He knew that somehow he had that sense of impending doom that made him chilled. Even Rob seemed reflective as he just stared out towards the three shapes. It wasn’t long before one of the fins broke away from the group and he could see the small foam of white as it came racing back towards them. Paul instinctively knew it was Tobias’ friend but he was watching the other two. They circled and came a bit closer but that was it. They just didn’t come any closer. The two remained just close enough that you could hear their distant chatter if the wind was blowing from that quarter. If not you heard nothing but could just make them out.

His eyes moved away from Rob’s prone figure and he searched off to one side. There he saw Tobias and his companion and then as his eyes moved further away he saw the two fins of the other pair of dolphins. They hadn’t left him but neither had they come any closer. His heart sighed as he glanced back to Tobias. He saw him on his back with his eyes staring up at Paul. A wave of love came to him that he found uncomfortable. It was so intense that he felt like bursting out in tears.

Pain roared thru his entire body as he let the crushing weight of the feeling invade his soul. As hard as he wanted to deny that strange feeling its place inside he couldn’t. It just pushed aside the feeble attempts of denial. He felt it strike him in places he had long shut off from everyone, including himself. He felt like a hundred doors were being thrust open inside of his hidden memories and now the tears finally began to flow freely down his cheeks.

His mind warned him to grow up, to hide his fear and his pain before Rob noticed but his heart shoved the warning aside. In that one second he felt the loss of his brother more intensely than he had when Terry had actually been walking away from him and from his life. He felt it tearing into him in a way that was as forceful as any hurricane ever could be. It tore apart the careful walls that he had so studiously built up over a lifetime and he stood there, knowing that his soul was suddenly bared for all to see.

The contact was broken as he heard the sound of movement next to him. He knew that Rob had somehow come around and now stood next to him. Paul was afraid to turn around, to look at Rob and so he stood there, the tears continue to roll down his face. He might as well be naked he thought for all that he was able to hide was bare for Rob to see, if he wanted to. He shivered as he waited, feeling the pain that just wouldn’t leave.

Fear held him as he wondered what he could say if asked. What could he answer when he wasn’t sure himself at what was suddenly happening to him? How could he feel this lost and this alone when it had been what he had strived for the second Terry had left? How did he tell Rob that if asked and asked he would be, he knew it as sure as he knew that the peace he had sought was still unreachable.

Paul waited in dread for the inevitable words and questions but instead they didn’t come. At first he thought maybe Rob hadn’t noticed but a stolen glance showed him otherwise. Rob had seen it and yet hadn’t spoke. He shivered more as his hands grew white on the spokes of the wheel. His chest tightened with pain as he waited silently, shaking and yet too frightened to escape.

The soft gentle touch on his shoulder surprised him. It made him wince as his head finally turned to see Rob. The young man stood there staring at him with a strange sadness in his own eyes that clearly showed he understood. His eyes moved from Rob’s face to his long arm that now rested lightly on Paul’s own trembling upper arm. His eyes misted over as he felt the understanding reaching for him.

It’s okay Paul.

They were spoken so softly he wasn’t even certain that Rob had actually spoke. His mind felt confused but his heart seemed to grow calmer now. It felt almost soothed or at least less tense. The hand still rested casually on his arm but the feeling of understanding only seemed to strengthen as he stood there, missing Terry and wishing he had the courage that Terry had. He prayed then, hoping that it wouldn’t be too late as he felt the warm breeze blow across his face, drying his tears that still rolled down his cheeks.

Paul’s eyes moved away from the hand and looked out towards the ocean. He saw his friend there, the thoughtful eyes still looking at him but next to Tobias was the other dolphin. It too stared up at him with the same look, the same glance of compassion that he felt from Tobias. It was uncanny how they both looked the same at him and he felt his body shake to their penetrating gaze. It was as if they were trying to tell him something but he couldn’t understand it.

Sure he felt their passion or love even but it was more than that. It was a feeling of unbidden strength that came to him as if they were trying in their own way to give him what he so desperately had sought. How could they know and yet he knew they did. He felt it inside as he turned further outwards, saw the other two dolphins once more. They were a bit closer but they weren’t coming in closer even though he knew they too were watching him, staring at him with that same look.

Paul found himself stepping back and slowly letting himself down onto the cockpit floor of the wheelhouse. He saw Rob step forward to take the wheel and glance back at him as he smiled back. It was too much for him and he thought maybe he had too much sun. Perhaps he was having a sun stroke or something but glancing outwards he knew it was something else. Tobias and his companion merely seemed to nod and then in a flash of silver they were both off heading towards the other two dolphins.

His face turned away to stare up at the back of Rob. He saw the ridges of his spine etched in the taut flesh. He could even see the hint of Rob’s ribcage from the sides as well. It never dawned on him just how skinny Rob really was. Strange too was how he noticed the small little vibration in the body as it stood there, holding the wheel while he had moved to the back. Never before had Paul just handed over control of his boat. Sure he had let Manny take the wheel but it was by his choice, plus he stood right by him feeling every bit the nervous parent. With Rob he just surrendered without even a fuss.

Rob felt the eyes resting on his back. He felt self conscious about it and yet he didn’t flinch or move away. His shoulders were squared as he kept his hands tightly on the wheel, feeling the warm breeze blowing across his face. His matted hair flowed around his ears and neck but it felt good as he just stood there. He felt the eyes burning into him as if trying to read him and yet he didn’t seem to mind. It was weird to feel like, well like he actually welcomed the examination.

He wasn’t sure why he had looked back, it was like some premonition or unseen force had given him a shake. All he knew was that when he had turned to look back at Paul he had seen the strained face. It had felt like a blow to him as he recognized the growing sorrow that showed so clearly in Paul’s tanned face. The hair was blowing but the eyes had looked so lifeless, so empty that Rob felt some panic. He sure as hell didn’t want to be stuck out on the ocean with a crazy but then he quickly admonished himself.

Paul had been a perfect gentleman so far which really surprised him. He had half expected some sort of come on, least an attempt or two. Instead he was rewarded by exactly what Paul had promised. An opportunity to escape from civilization and to just unwind in the solitude of the ocean and sky. He couldn’t believe how alive he had been feeling until turning to see Paul’s evident pain.

He had known that Paul was interested. After all running around in a pair of broad shorts wasn’t exactly going to hide nature’s desires very easily. Rob had sneaked a few looks which kind of surprised him really. He never had done that before yet he found himself wanting to know if Paul was or wasn’t. When he had first spotted the tell tale sign, he had felt strangely guilty at it. It was almost as he had been leading the guy on and hated himself for that. Still he wasn’t gay so why did he feel guilty or worse, why did he care if Paul was interested or not?

It hadn’t made sense to him yet as the first night had worn on he felt attracted to Paul. He enjoyed the quiet presence of the tall man. He really couldn’t put his finger on it but Paul gave him a feeling of serenity that he had long since forgotten about. Around Paul he felt it again and memories of happier times seemed to just naturally follow.

All of Saturday had been even more rewarding than he thought possible. If he was to hold one day as being perfect, then Saturday had to be at the top of his list. The sun rising had given him an immense chill. No lights or noise to interrupt the majesty of the sun just coming up out of nowhere. Rob had never been one to sleep much during the day but shortly after the sun had arisen he had fallen into one of his most restful sleeps ever. He couldn’t really ever recall having such a peaceful rest.

If that wasn’t enough to have made it a perfect day the swim surely was the capper. At first he had been a bit leary of swimming in the ocean, frightened of sharks and other unknowns. Paul had laughed and then pointed to the two dorsal fins that swam close to the fantail of the boat. Rob had jumped back in fear at first. To him they looked like shark fins but then the torpedo noses lifted up out of the water to stare at him and Paul. He knew they were dolphins and Paul had explained that as long as they were around they had nothing to fear.

He didn’t quite believe it but then watched as Paul dove head first into the ocean. He saw him come up a short distance away and one of the dolphins had left their station at the rear to join Paul. Rob couldn’t believe it as it circled and then rose up spraying water at Paul who merely slammed water back at the fish. It was like two kids playing splash in a pool. He still could feel that thrill of watching Paul’s shoulders rising up and the shake of his head. Paul had splashed around for a bit then turned to look up at him. It was perhaps then that Rob seemed to understand that he really was what he said. The nagging fear of being lured here to be alone was gone. Thoughts of Paul trying something against his wishes vanished as he stared down into the man’s laughing eyes. He could see his fear and his needs clearly even as the voice called to him, urging him to join in the fun.

He wasn’t much of a diver and his leap had been tentative at best. His pain from hitting the ocean with his belly only reminded him of how inept he was but as he spluttered to the surface, treading water he saw the dorsal fin coming towards him. Panic tore at him but he didn’t move or try to swim away. It was the other dolphin but it still frightened him as it slowed and came close to him. He could see its torpedo shape clearly just under the surface and then it raised its head upwards out of the water.

The yellow gleam from its eyes ripped right into him. He felt himself shudder as the gaze seemed to pierce his very heart and reach for his soul. A warmth he had never felt before started to flicker deep down inside of him as the dolphin slowly edged in closer, its eyes never leaving his own. All sound seemed to be muted as he stared back, feeling the sudden evaluation reaching into places even he had forgotten existed inside of him. His body felt a slight chill as the smooth skin of the animal brushed next to him.

He could smell it and yet all he could feel was the penetrating eyes searing into him. Rob had wanted to cry out but the eyes held him, refusing to let him give in to the wild panic that was flowing inside. It held him steady until the beat of his heart echoed in his ears and then the gaze was broken. Rob saw the dolphin twist and gently caress his stomach as it moved crosswise, the dorsal fin near his hand. The head stared back as if waiting, patiently waiting.

Swimming with that dolphin had been an experience he still found deeply moving. Just thinking about now made him feel the goose bumps. The thrill of riding thru the ocean with the water careening around him and his new friend was a thrill that he wished everyone could experience. Yet even that thrill was nothing to how he felt just touching the dolphin, just feeling it next to him or when it would look at him. It was as if he could read his mind and more. There was a bond that grew between them as it took him carefully away from the boat towards where Paul was with the other dolphin. They had spent a great deal of time then, splashing and playing without any cares. Time seemed to just cease to exist as they roared around in crazy eight circles or when the fish would dive taking them down for a moment or two before bursting up into the air almost. It felt like being on a roller coaster in water. The thrill was unreal and he still felt his body shake to the wild sensations of that time.

Now suddenly all of that was gone, replaced by fear and uncertainty. Yet even as he knew it was gone he still could feel it which was something he hadn’t had before. Suddenly the fear just didn’t seem all that horrible as he had a memory to sustain him. It was weird really how almost a day later he could still feel the tingling, the giddiness of that time. His eyes grew a bit misty now as once more the present took over but with less weight, less fear. Whatever had happened, Rob felt that he could manage, that somehow it wasn’t hopeless. That maybe was the secret of what he had experienced, not that he gone swimming with the dolphins but instead that they had somehow given him back his hope of better times. The darkness that was his constant companion before then seemed to be a distant relative for now.

If you place that rope hanging there, the one with the huge knot, place it over the spoke that is just at one o’clock and it’ll hold her in place.

He turned briefly to see Paul pointing at a large rope that hung down from near the cockpit doorway into the boat’s salon. He could see the tiredness in Paul’s face. He reached out to bring it away from the doorway.

This one?

Yeah.

Like this?

That’s it.

You okay Paul?

I think so, sorry about that.

No problem.

Guess I got too much sun or something…

Rob saw the pain burning inside of Paul. He didn’t understand why it mattered so much but he had the urge to want to hold him, to let him rest in his arms. It wasn’t something he had ever really felt before. Hell most of this was stuff he had never allowed himself to feel before. It felt scary.

Or something?

Yeah, guess ‘or something’

Want to talk about it?

Haha, right like you need my headaches on top of your own?

Maybe not, but you did say you wanted us to be friends, didn’t you?

I did…

Well, friends share problems then, I mean… if you want to still be friends.

Paul felt every nerve in his body on edge. He wanted to look up at Rob but was too scared of what he might see. He didn’t want pity but Rob’s voice didn’t sound that way. It was almost as if he seriously cared, as if they had somehow bridged a gap. His heart sighed as he knew he was just fooling himself.

I do, but…

But what?

I don’t know if I can Rob, I am not that good of a person maybe, I don’t know, I just don’t know…

You some murderer or pervert?

Huh? No… no I haven’t killed anyone, robbed anyone and my parents might think I am a pervert, I don’t’ think so… least not in that sense… no I am just… just

What?

He felt the struggle within. Paul wanted so much to believe that Rob was different, that he would care but he knew himself. He knew what he had done to Terry. No one would forgive that, hell he couldn’t so why would Rob?

Nothing, trust me I am not a nice person.

Maybe it was that he was stuck out here in the middle of nowhere or maybe it was something else. He wasn’t sure but there was this strange desire inside that made him want to know Paul. Normally he’d shrug his shoulders and find a way to get away as fast as possible, but this time the urge to flee just didn’t come to him. It puzzled him more than wondering what it was that made Paul think he wasn’t a nice person.

Hell you sound like me whenever someone gets close.. sure we ain’t related?

I am sure, but you don’t know me.

No I guess I don’t, neither you me but, well I don’t know Paul, shit I don’t know what to say, just that, well, I do want to know you. Never really felt this way and if you want to uh, to know me, well, I am willing to try and let you.

How so? I mean… I am sorry Rob, just that…

You never asked me about that day we met.

Ask you what?

You know.

God if only Rob knew how much he had wanted to know about it. If only he had the nerve to have asked but then again he knew he didn’t have to. He had seen that look before, many times when he had stared at his own reflection in the mirror. It had been a road he himself had tried with similar results. Only it wasn’t some guy in a boat that had interfered, but instead a dolphin. No he hadn’t asked, what for when he knew the answer already?

Yeah I guess, I don’t know, maybe in a way I kind of knew...

Not kind of, got a feeling you do know. You feel it just like I do or did.

Did?

Yeah, strange but not sure I still feel it quite the same, and that’s your fault.

Paul blinked a little and looked at Rob standing there. He shifted his gaze as he tried to wonder what had made Rob feel that way? He wished he could but then in his own way that darkness had left him as well. It wasn’t quite as powerful as it once was. Could that be true for Rob?

Mine? I didn’t do anything…

You stopped, and now this, maybe it was that or maybe it was being out here alone with you, I don’t know, just that ever since yesterday I feel different, changed somehow.

Since your swim?

He hadn’t really connected it until now. Thinking about how it felt to have that skin touch his, the strange emotions that just seemed to overwhelm him rushed into his memory as he looked down at the slumped figure of Paul. He had felt something that had touched him. The way those yellow eyes of the dolphin had looked at him. Fear had raced inside of him but it didn’t last. It was an eerie feeling that somehow gave him comfort too.

Yeah

Dolphins do that to a person, if they let them.

You let them?

Honestly? Not all the time, maybe that’s my problem, maybe I should. Saved my life once, maybe it can again?

Maybe, or maybe I can help, if, I mean that is, well, if you still want to uh, ya know, uh, be friends?

As much as he wanted to scream yes he knew it couldn’t be as that. From the first instance of Rob stepping aboard Paul knew he could never just be satisfied with a casual friendship. He craved more from the guy for some reason that still eluded him. It was unnerving to see his nearly naked body and know it was untouchable.

It really wasn’t that he was a sex maniac either. Paul just knew that he wanted to share all of himself with Rob, yet knowing that and having it were two entirely different realities. It wouldn’t be fair to Rob to put that kind of pressure on him nor would it work either. After all he was not exactly the most sharing of people. Too much time had passed, too many barriers erected to protect himself.

I don’t know…

It wasn’t what he had expected to hear. He felt a sudden pain of impending loss that was new to him. Rob could feel a few tears welling up as he tried to understand the hesitancy of Paul. Could he have been wrong? Did he read the signals wrong or was there more to it? He peered back at Paul, hoping for a sign as he let the dejection be reflected in his answer.

Oh…

No, no it isn’t that I don’t, just that I… I don’t know if I can just be friends, there is something about you Rob, I can’t explain it… just that… I don’t know if I can just be friends… I thought I could, really, I did but…

But you want more than that, right?

I suppose, hell I am not even sure of my own name right now.

Rob took a deep breath as he finally let himself look back at Paul. He could see the truth behind the words and he knew that he himself had been feeling different. He never had thought about a guy in the way he was feeling about Paul. It scared him because he honestly didn’t believe he was gay and yet looking at Paul, seeing how he held himself at times, the way his hair blew in the wind or how his eyes sparkled at something affected him like no one else had or ever could. He knew that but was afraid of what it meant.

The idea of being with Paul romantically or physically appalled him but at the same time thrilled him. His heart ached to experience just the touch of Paul’s body against his and yet his mind was revolted at the idea of it. How could he want and yet hate the same thing? Was he just confused or mistaken?

I don’t know if I can give you that Paul.

I don’t expect you to Rob, I am sorry, I swore I wouldn’t do this, see? Told you I wasn’t a good person.

No, you are a good guy, it is just, well I have never… never uh…

Been with a guy?

Yeah

I know, you told me, its not your fault I have uh… its not your fault Rob.

You’ve what Paul?

He couldn’t bring himself to tell him. The eyes looked so innocent, so pleading even. His heart wanted him to but he knew he would only drive him away further. Part of him still hoped by he knew it was useless. He hated himself for this and cursed himself for the whole idea that he could just be friends. He had known it couldn’t work, not after how he had seen Rob’s pain that day. He had even felt it and it was no different than his own pain. He shared that with him and somehow the crazy notion that together they could heal each other had grown. It was childish to still believe in such things. He knew that just as he knew he couldn’t tell Rob how he really felt.

Never mind.

Bullshit, come on, what?

The way Rob had looked made him tremble. There was such determination in his words and in his look. Paul felt like maybe for one second that there was hope. He had begun to speak without even realizing it as something inside of him had wrestled control from his mind.

I think I have fallen for you, sorry, I know you are who you are, really I do, I respect that too, but shit, I just can’t help how I feel when around you. I thought I could control myself, that just being around you as friends would be enough…

But it isn’t….

No, I wish it was… God how I wish it was… you are so, so enjoyable to be around. I know, lame but honestly Rob, each time I look at you I feel like a knife has pierced my heart. I also know I am hurting you by saying all this and that makes me angry, at myself because I don’t want to hurt you, you have to believe that…

How many times had he heard that or at least something similar to it? Rob felt like the words were nothing new and yet listening to them they felt like he was hearing them for the first time. It felt strangely comforting to hear and also terrifying. At the same time he felt uneasy, knowing he’d soon have to either surrender to this strange new feeling or bury it deep where it could never rise up to haunt him again. He didn’t know which way to turn as the battle within raged. Looking at Paul he could see the same war being waged.

I do Paul, it is just… I have never thought about a guy in that way, but…

But?

But to be honest, you… shit I can’t believe this, but..

Rob don’t… you don’t need to say anything or have to…

I know that… funny isn’t it? I mean do you know how many guys at that bar would give everything they own to have me just think I might, yet here you are telling me not to…

Rob…

No, its’ okay Paul, I don’t know if I can, but, well, part of me is kind of, well, wanting to…

His mind refused to believe what he was hearing but his heart knew it for what it was. It was a chance to leave behind the darkness that had filled him ever since Terry had left. It was maybe his only chance yet he was hesitant. Was it real or was it pity? Could Rob be serious and if he was, could he let himself be with someone who was as damaged as he felt? Paul wasn’t sure what to do, as he stared at Rob with a feeling of growing warmth deep down inside. God if only Terry were here, he thought.

To? I don’t… Rob you don’t…

See that’s just it Paul, I know I don’t have to, yet part of me wants to, maybe not quite what you had in mind, not sure if I could, but in some way maybe I can? I mean… if you want to try, I’d kind of, well.. I’d like to…

I… shit… I don’t know… I would rather die than hurt you, I can’t explain why I feel this way either, I just do. I know that I may never get another opportunity with someone as nice as you, but… I can’t just…

He knew it was how Paul felt. There was something in his voice and how he looked that made Rob know it was true. It made his own heart ache because he had never believed anyone could care for him the way Paul obviously did. He also didn’t believe he could ever trust someone enough as he seemed to be trusting Paul. It was strange but the more he thought about it, the more excited he seemed to feel. He wanted to feel more but knew that he had to get past Paul’s own reluctance. Strange that he would be the aggressor and then, maybe not. Perhaps it was simply his time?

Paul, you think you aren’t a good guy, right?

Yes

I don’t think I am either, so…

You are.. I mean you have such a…

That’s just it Paul, you think I am, I think you are, maybe we just need to listen to the other person and well, I don’t know, just trust that they are right?

I suppose but…

Rob could see that Paul wanted to believe him, yet was still struggling with it. Years of being alone had taken its toll but in many ways Rob knew he was in the same boat. Yet somehow the courage seemed to be coming to him. Maybe it was the swim or maybe he was just tired of running. He couldn’t give up, not when he might be close to actually having something worth having.

He could feel the darkness around him, his mood was always there but as hard as it seemed to want in something was holding it back. There was something about being near Paul that gave him hope, gave him the strength he needed. If he could figure it out maybe he could then share it with Paul.

Why did you bring me out here Paul?

Huh? I don’t know, I just had to get away and… damn I don’t know, I just felt that I had to… I guess, I don’t know I suppose I had this hope that, well that we could become friends this way, if we could spend time together away from there… Why did you come?

Not sure I know the answer, but I am glad I did.

Paul saw Rob lower his head as he seemed to be thinking about something. He knew that distant gaze as he had seen in his own reflection many times. Life felt so awkward at times. He still didn’t know what to make of all this, but in his heart he knew that he could never go back to how he was before this weekend.

Really?

Yeah. It’s been a long time since I ever let anyone get this close.

Why?

I suppose ‘cause I bought into what I was always told, maybe that or maybe just that I was afraid.

Afraid? Of what?

Same thing as you I guess, of not being up to it, not being able to please someone I cared for, sound familiar?

Too familiar.

Paul could feel the pain & the despair too. He could recognize it for what it was. Some might call it self pity but he called it simply being honest. Inside he wanted to believe the new feeling of hope but he struggled with it. So much had gone on in his life that he had merely pushed away or ran from. Now he was suddenly being forced to face it all again but it wasn’t Rob’s fault. He had taken those first steps that had led up to this moment. Now he had no choice but to see it thru.

For what it was worth he knew that Rob was sincere about how he felt. It thrilled him in a strange soft quiet way that was different. He had been smitten before, had thought he was in love but none of those feelings came close to how he was feeling when around Rob. Just the thought of him until now had been more of wishful thinking than even a dream. Yet here Rob was, and more than that seemingly interested.

If only Terry was here. He’d know what he should do but he wasn’t and whose fault was that? He hated himself for that but maybe with Rob’s help he could get past it. Perhaps if he did push her he could find Terry and at least try to make it right. Sure Terry might not want him back in his life but as much as his mind kept warning him of that, his heart continued to refuse to believe it. Terry was Terry, that was all there was to it.

His eyes grew moist as he also realized that in some odd way, Rob was helping to fill an empty spot that had grown inside of him ever since Terry had left. It hadn’t been easy cutting his emotions off and now a chance meeting on the ocean had changed all that. The deep empty pit of his soul seemed a bit less empty. He glanced upwards to stare at the young man across from him, the thrill of just looking at Rob making Paul’s heart skip a few beats.

Rob had lowered himself to rest his back against the shell of the salon. He could feel the gentle sway of the boat and the odd noise of wood creaking intruded briefly. His eyes were looking at Paul and yet not. His body seemed to be tired but he hadn’t done anything to warrant that feeling. Inside he knew that if this was to work he would have to be honest, to be open.

The notion of sharing himself that fully was frightening. In the past he would make his escape long before reaching this point of a relationship. Yet he had somehow known this would be different. He had known that it would come to this so why was he still here? Why hadn’t he done what he always did? Was it Paul or was it simply some weakness that now had left him vulnerable?

The confusion hadn’t cleared up much for him. The war inside still raged and as he stared out past Paul, he felt like it would never be clear unless he took that last step. He didn’t want to because suddenly it did matter to him what Paul thought of him. Rob didn’t want to lose even this much of their friendship but he knew he had little option. Somehow he had painted himself into this corner and he cursed his heart for leading him to this.

Still if Paul did hear the truth from him, did get all the low down on him and stuck, well then it might all be worth it, but would he? That was the question for which the answer scared him the most. What would he do if he did finally tell someone just who he was, what he was and then Paul wasn’t who he thought he could be? Could he survive that?

There was no answer to that from his heart but he felt his body stiffen as he knew he was committed. He would deal with the disappointment when it came but for the moment he still wanted to hang onto the little bit of hope that had come to him. His eyes were downcast now and his head lowered as he stared at the wooden planks between his legs. There was no going back, not now as his voice seemed loud to his ears but which he knew was just maybe one point above an inaudible whisper.

You should know, I am what the shrinks call a binge addict, I go overboard on drinking & doing drugs too, I can go days maybe even weeks sometimes with not touching a drop or taking a hit, but then something goes off and I wind up hitting the booze or taking whatever happens to be floating around.

I didn’t… I mean… fuck I don’t know what to say.

Nothing to say, doubt if I ever have told anyone that before.

He knew that before Rob told him. His eyes were lowered but Paul could tell that this was it. What happened next might be the difference between both of them surviving or not and somehow he just knew that they could get past this. He had his own baggage but right now it was about Rob. Somehow he had to let him know that it didn’t matter to him, that what he was or had done didn’t matter, not now.

If you know that, uh…

Why do I do it?

Suppose…

Guess never had a reason to do anything about it, sort of like you.

Me?

In a different way but yeah…

Different? I don’t… I mean..

I drink, you spend your time alone, results not really any different is it? We both close ourselves off from others.

Seems easier that way at times.

At the time, not afterwards.

True.

So… why are you alone?

Huh?

You are successful, obvious by the boat and all, you are attractive, so how come you are alone? Why don’t you have a slew of people after you?

He was trying to digest all that Rob had told him. It was a strange admission to have made and the drugs and booze scared him. For himself the fear of what might happen to him had kept him pretty much off drugs and booze just never appealed to him. Paul wondered if Terry drank a lot these days or was he a crack head now? The idea of his brother wasted on some drug in a seedy house or apartment frightened him. Yet the image came to him none the less.

Paul felt himself curse. He was deliberately doing it again, turning away from what had been said, what had been offered. It was his way of avoidance and yet as he finally sighed and looked upwards, he knew he couldn’t avoid it.

I don’t know, been wrapped up in my career, or… no, no I guess because its easier to be alone.

But don’t you miss sex? I mean you ain’t a virgin are you?

No, I get to a point sometimes, I uh, I go out and well, pay for it. Sex that is. No attachments, no need to be something I can’t or, well, its physical, no emotions and no involvements. Kind of says it all doesn’t it? I mean how pathetic can a guy get…

Terry had told him about those kind of dates. He never really understood it but Terry had. He had tried to tell him what it was to be alone and not wishing to have any attachments. In many ways Terry reminded Rob of Paul but in so many ways they were different. He didn’t think that sex was something you could just do, least he thought you had to have some feelings for the person. Then again was he any different? He didn’t pay for it, but he didn’t commit either so maybe there really wasn’t any difference between him and Paul in that regards.

Better than going out and drinking a bar dry or taking so much dope that you have no idea what day of the week it is when you sober up.

I suppose. You uh, you get wasted often?

Often? Yeah I suppose. Least lately I have been, guess to be honest its been getting more and more, suppose its about getting older.

Man we make hell of a pair don’t we? Pathetic really.

Haha, yeah. Funny, but I don’t see you that way and somehow, I don’t know, but I have never felt this at ease with someone. Shit maybe I am queer and never knew it.

You’d know it, least I think you would.

Suppose, just that I am tired of being alone Paul, I kind of think you feel the same way.

Yeah… I do, but… well it is just hard to be with someone when your only company has been yourself and you didn’t care for the company. How do you inflict that on someone you care for?

I don’t know, that’s been my excuse ever since I can remember.

Then why?

How can you put into words what you only feel? He couldn’t explain it anymore than he doubted Paul could. Still he wanted to try, to maybe show Paul that this was what he thought and felt. Least he thought Paul felt the same.

Maybe cause its time? I don’t know, wish I could snap my fingers and the answers would all appear but it doesn’t seem to work that way.

No it doesn’t. Rob I am afraid of hurting you, I have done it before…

Rob was surprised by that. He never thought that there had ever been anyone before. The idea that Paul had been involved with someone else hurt. He couldn’t explain that but it felt like a knife had been thrust into his insides as he sputtered a little, the surprise evident not just in his face but his voice.

Before? With.. I mean…

My brother. I loved him so much Rob, I’d do anything for him but… but when it came to it I didn’t. I… fuck, I failed him so much. I am afraid of doing that to anyone else, specially to you.

I see… uh, what uh…

He hadn’t seen it at first but now he did. It wasn’t jealousy but hurt. Damn he knew he would wind up doing this, after all that was him. The pain inside rose up as he realized that he couldn’t let Rob think that he had been that way. It somehow mattered to him what Rob thought of him. In a sense he craved for Rob’s approval of him.

No it wasn’t that. We never did that though I suppose if I had asked he would have, I know I would have if he asked, but no we didn’t.

So what was it? I mean… is he uh…

Gay? Yeah, he knew it long before I did. He was a damn sight smarter than me in so many ways, stronger too. God I miss him Rob.

Is he, uh… I mean…

Dead? No…

Then…

My parents kicked him out at 14. I haven’t seen him since and it was all my fault.

He felt relief at that. For a moment or two he had thought the worse but now he knew better. Still what could he have done that would cause his parents to toss one of their kids out on the street? That was a stupid question he thought, after all he’d have rather been tossed out at 14 than later. Least he’d have had a few years less of father’s abuse and his mother’s. He never could decide which was worse, the beatings from his father or his mother’s own personal brand of love?

I don’t… how was it your fault?

He took the rap for me, I was stupid, senior year and all and well… I was careless, and…

You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to Paul.

I know, guess I owe you that much.

No you don’t owe me anything.

Yeah I do… least in my mind I do.

If you are sure…

Sure? No, I don’t think I am sure of much these days, except that I miss him, that and the fact that I am a coward who hid behind his younger brother. Maybe if I had stood up we wouldn’t be separated, or at least he wouldn’t have been forced out onto the streets.

Rob felt the pain & bitterness in each word that Paul had spoken. He didn’t even have to look at him to know that tears would be running down his face, as they were. His own heart ached for Paul. It was amazing how sitting out here they had suddenly become almost like one. He could feel the pain just as he somehow knew that Paul felt his.

Could have been both of you, least this way…

I know all that, sorry, I know what you are saying, hell its what he said then too. He wasn’t one for school and I had this dream, something he never seemed to have, dreams that is. Guess maybe he felt all the crap at home more than I did, I don’t know. It just was I always had dreams about the future, he never did. He told me it was better for him to take the blame than me, that at least I’d still have a chance for my dreams. Made me promise to do it too, to study, to do all that I had to do to make my dreams come true.

Have you?

He thought about it for a second or two. Honestly he had reached what he had dreamed but it just didn’t feel right. There were missing pieces that only now was he finally able to see. Maybe if Terry hadn’t gone it would be different but then he doubted if it would be better. There was still a chance, if he could find the courage. Looking at Rob he thought maybe this time he could. Perhaps this time he might find the strength from an unexpected source.

Sort of, but it isn’t how I imagined it back then.

Maybe its still early, I mean maybe as time goes on all the pieces will fit in?

I hope so, wish he was here. That would make it more like I had thought.

Have you tried to find him?

No… never had the means until last year, there was always the risk of being cut off if I tried, but now, now I don’t need her or him.

Your folks?

If you can call them that.

So, now you can, have you?

It’s why I took the job here. I know he lives here, where I don’t know.

Well that’s a start isn’t it?

Yeah, but what now? I mean… what if he doesn’t want to see me? So many years have past…

If he’s anything like you he’ll want to see you.

How can you say that?

I don’t know, just that I can sort of feel it. I wish I had a brother who’d care enough for me like yours obviously did.

Images of a short childhood flashed across his eyes as he stared out and away from Rob. He stared into the glistening waters watching Terry and himself splashing out in the water. He could see the gleam in his brother’s eyes as he tried to swim around and push him down under. He heard the sweet laughter of his voice as Paul took a mouthful of sea water. It all passed before him as he stared out. His eyes saw Tobias and his friend close and he looked past them. His heart ached as he saw the other two dolphins off in the distance. They had closed it some, but they still remained further off, as if they were unable to get close to him. It made him shake a little as once more the idea of seeing Terry took hold. He felt the fear and panic but he refused to lower his eyes.

He really did, it isn’t just my imagination. As kids we always hung out together, did everything together and there was nothing we couldn’t talk about with each other. Shit I miss him so much and yet, yet I betrayed him, he has to hate me, it is what I fear the most I think.

Only one way to find out Paul.

I know… I just don’t know if I can.

For what its worth… I’ll help you.

Paul stared at Rob. He saw the sunken cheeks but the eyes had a burning fire flickering within them. For one brief moment he felt a bond of love between them that made his own heart skip a beat. There was so much about Rob to make him run from him and yet he was enamoured by him. Every part of him made him tingle despite the fears and obvious doubts. His mind was unconvinced but it didn’t seem to matter.

Why?

I don’t know why, just that maybe in some bizarre way if I can do this for you, then maybe I won’t… I won’t be out on any swimming platforms alone again.

Is that still an option?

So casually said and yet as he listened to the question from Paul he could feel the tension in the man. It was strange but Paul cared in a way he never thought someone would. It was uncanny how simple words could make him feel so much when in the past not even actions seemed to make a dent with him. With Paul he felt so alive and so different. It hadn’t really sunk in until now, but he realized that Paul made him feel whole, without Paul he had no idea if he could manage. It was frightening to think like that but it was the truth.

I think so, unless…

I wouldn’t want that to happen.

It wasn’t the words but the look that seemed to seal it for him. His eyes grew moist as he saw the truth in Paul’s eyes. If there had been any doubts that look of concern, of caring was enough to brush them away. He felt the shudder in his body as he finally understood that love was not for just others, that it wasn’t as elusive a feeling as he had once believed. The man before him did care for him, battered bruised and confused him. It felt good in a way that was foreign and yet familiar.

Then I guess you are sort of stuck with me…

No, not stuck, just damn lucky.

Rob couldn’t help but smile. It was bizarre to believe all that his heart was saying but he could feel it. He stood up and stretched out his hand, seeing Paul blink then take his hand. He pulled and they stood there together just staring at each other. Rob could feel the electricity pulsing between them as he turned to see the two dolphins had come closer. The pair off in the distance had moved in a bit but still remained further off. His heart felt giddy as he turned back to Paul and together the two of them made their way down the small steps inside the boat’s cabin. He felt the boat gently rocking to the waves as he felt strangely happy. The touch of Paul’s hand in his made him feel very safe, something he hadn’t ever experienced before. If nothing else, Rob knew that he had found a safe harbour out in the middle of the ocean.

***

He woke with the touch of the hand on his shoulder. For a second he wasn’t’ sure where he was or even who he was as he sat up in the bed. His breathing was ragged and shallow as he gulped in the air. His eyes were glazed still as they tried to focus and his mind struggled to get its bearings. The sound of a voice came to him that sounded familiar but for a full minute he couldn’t place it. Panic was seizing at his heart as he struggled to wake up, to end the nightmare that had come to him so suddenly.

Terry… Terry wake up.

At last the voice penetrated the fog in his mind. He sighed realizing that he was safe, that the horror he had seen was nothing more than a strange nightmare. His breathing grew easier as he felt the hand holding his shaking shoulder. Hell his whole body was trembling as he finally saw the blonde figure next to him. The sweat dripped down his face but he felt chilled by it, knowing that the dream had shook him to his very core.

I am awake… man…

You okay?

Hold me Ash, just hold me…

He felt himself being wrapped in the young firm arms of Ashley. The touch of his naked flesh on his own made the trembling ease as he felt the security of their love wrap around his aching body. Terry felt the tears welling up as he let Ashley hold him, a gentle rocking motion that helped soothe the jangling nerves.

Thanks… I am sorry…

It’s okay, everything is fine Terry… I am here.

Don’t ever leave me Ashley… I couldn’t, I mean…

Ashley felt the panic rising up in Terry. It was so unexpected that it scared him as well. He didn’t know what else to do. The way Terry had screamed had startled him but the second scream had frightened him. It was such a harsh painful sound that he had jumped up to see Terry’s face contorted in a shape of utter pain that he felt his heart almost break apart. It scared him more than he could let on as he tried to soothe his lover.

I know, I am not going anywhere, you are stuck with me…

Thank God.

You okay?

He stared at Ashley, feeling the beat of his heart and knowing he had scared him. He hated that and wished he could remember what had happened. The dream had been so real and yet now was a distant shadowy image. Parts of it still lingered that made him shake but he knew that pain it had given him was real.

I am now, God what a dream…

What was it?

I don’t know, it was so strange, so weird. It was like, like something was trying to pull as apart, to stop us from being together.

Someone? Who? Nothing will keep us apart… nothing.

I don’t know, guys in long white coats, green ones too, weird huh? Nice to say, but you don’t know that… Ash, I love you but there are things…

NO! No Terry, I know it, I know that nothing will ever keep us apart. I love you, you are all I ever dreamed of and more. No, don’t even think like that, please… I couldn’t live if it meant being without you…

Ash…

Please.. Terry never… never leave me.

I won’t.

Ashley sat there holding Terry in his arms. He could feel the cold flesh warming up as Terry came more fully awake now. Whatever he had been dreaming about was finally being pushed away.

Terry felt the love flowing through his veins. The cold was slowly leaving him as he felt Ashley’s body nestle into his. It was how it always was but something was different and he couldn’t quite figure out what. He knew he loved Ashley and that they were heading for a future that he had never thought possible, still there was this cloud that seemed to hang over him. Maybe it was a throwback from his earlier days but he wished it would leave.

Just thinking of Ashley and him being together seemed to be enough. This time it took a bit longer to fill him but it did. He smiled now, the tension eased in his body in one sense but grew in another. He could feel the beat of Ashley’s heart next to his own. His mind had moved on but his heart took a bit longer, a strange sadness in it that made him feel nervous and scared. This time he pushed it aside and snuggled in closer to Ashley, feeling the hardness of Ashley’s own body pressing into his.

Ashley felt the change in Terry’s body. His arms relaxed their grip a bit as he felt Terry snuggle in closer. He felt the hard press of Terry’s manhood digging into his belly. The touch made the fires within flicker and burn brighter despite the fear that seemed to rest in his heart. It was like his body had a premonition of something horrible but was trying its best to ignore it. He felt the warm inside as he kissed Terry’s head, breaking the moment with his voice.

Good… uh, it’s almost time to get up anyway.

I am up, can’t you tell?

I can now…

Well?

Terry moved his head back from under Ashley’s chin. His eyes were burning brightly now as he stared back into Ashley’s face. The glint in the eyes told him what his heart was already feeling. The thin curl of his own lips brought an even brighter gleam to Ashley’s eyes. God it felt so good to be loved like this he thought as his hand moved from behind Ashley’s back to run gently along the firm flesh towards the stomach. If only it could be this way all the time he thought as his eyes closed and he tilted his head to one side, knowing that they would once more become one. It was all he lived for and as he thought that, he realized that it was all that Ashley lived for as well.

 

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