Abuse is a fact for Gays.

Chapter 10

Terry opened his eyes and stared over at the alarm clock. He yawned and stretched as he smelled once more the scent of fresh brewing coffee and bacon. He smiled to himself as he also smelt the warm fresh scent of Ashley. He turned to stare at the empty pillow and he could still see the indent in it from Ashley’s head. He still couldn’t quite believe all that had happened since that night but here he was three weeks later feeling more in love now than then.

For the life of him he didn’t know how it could be that way. It was strange how each night it would be different. The sex had been and still was amazing. He lay there feeling the pleasure flowing deep inside. Each morning was just like this one he thought as he heard the rustle of plates and he sat up in bed, knowing that Ashley was about to come into the room. The mere thought of him made his groin ache harder and his glance downwards showed him the hard erection poking upwards from under the thin sheet.

He still couldn’t get used to the fact that whenever he thought about Ashley or just saw him how erect he became. It was embarrassing at times and damn uncomfortable too. Yet he didn’t really mind it. It was just that it was so unusual for him. Hell he had been a hustler so sex wasn’t anything new to him but no one had ever gotten him this aroused before. It had to be love. The thought of it only added to the warm tingle that flowed within his body. Every morning was the same and yet not.

Course it was a lot more than just constantly being hard. He would feel flushed and excited and just about every other emotion you could think about. He would feel panic that it wouldn’t last and also disbelief that it was even happening at all. Nothing changed from day to day either. He felt it only get more intense with each passing second, not minute or hour or day but each second. It hurt so much that at times he thought he wouldn’t be able to even breathe.

It was so unreal that each time he saw Ashley he wanted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. The way those navy blue eyes would light up when they saw him or how when he would come home from work he would literally run to Terry. He still had a small bruise from that first time when he hadn’t expected such force to come hit him. He had fallen backwards onto the floor with Ashley in his arms but he didn’t care, it felt so fucking good. They had made love right there in the hallway, his foot just barely able to have shut the door before his body was ravaged by the eager Ashley.

Alone from him he felt anxiety. He would worry that when he got back to the apartment after his job hunting that Ashley might not come back. It was a feeling he hated and while the panic didn’t quite set in he felt the pain none the less. It struck him so hard that he couldn’t believe it at times. His mind was still in shock from the unbelievable warmth that just thinking of Ashley gave him. There was nothing more important to him which added to his lists of fears.

The thought of him losing Ashley was painful and he shivered under the sheet. He could hear his soft tread as the plates rattled and his heart started to race faster. He could feel his breath grow a bit shallower as he waited impatiently for Ashley to appear in the doorway. It was like this every damn morning and as much as he loved it he was just as frightened by it. It seemed unnatural to care so much for someone in such a short time but in his soul he knew he’d never live a day without Ashley being next to him.

His head snapped upwards and suddenly every doubt, ever fear vanished from his mind and his heart as Ashley was in the door. Ashley held a tray in his two hands but all Terry could see was the burning glow of love that sparkled at him. It gave him a glow deep inside that only started his body trembling once more with thoughts of Ashley.

Breakfast is here sexy.

Oh I see that.

Ashley stared at Terry and saw exactly where his eyes were looking. He felt a blush creep over him as he stood there, letting Terry stare at his naked body. It still felt so new to him, to be so admired and loved that he hated the idea of ever being dressed when around Terry. The looks he constantly got from him were enough to bring him to the point of ejaculation. Least he had more or less managed to have some control over that part of himself, but damn it was hard to just not give in. The way those soft blue eyes looked. He could feel his body growing harder and he quickly tried to pull his own eyes away from the tent poled part of the sheets that covered Terry’s lower body. His tongue flicked out to lick his lips as last nights love making suddenly flashed before him. His hands shook and the plates rattled a bit as he tried to keep his body from losing control once more.

Not that you pervert…

Am not, besides it does look so tasty…

Is that all you think about?

Nope…

No?

There was a quick flash of fear in Ashley’s eyes and it made Terry’s heart stop its beat for a millisecond. The mere thought that he had hurt Ashley made him break out in a sweat. He was so much in love that he physically felt Ashley’s inner pain.

Okay yes, but you can’t tell anyone.

I won’t… damn you are impossible Terry.

Me? Listen to her will ya? You the one bringing in bacon and eggs and stuff with a hard dick jutting out, and you say I am a pervert?

Well, you did say you liked your breakfast served formally… how much more formal can I get than my au natural look?

I ain’t complaining babe…

Better not or I’d cut you off…

Like that’s gonna punish just me?

Well, I could last a minute or two I suppose…

Well that’s at least 59 seconds more than I could…

Ashley put the tray down on the night table and reached out to run his hand along Terry’s face. He felt the stubble from the night’s growth but as his hand ran down the face he felt Terry reach up to rest his own on top. The mere touch of his hand made his heart race and the blood begin to boil inside. God how he loved him and as they held hands he felt so much peace inside that nothing seemed to matter.

He looked across at Terry sitting in the bed. His knee rested on the carpet and they just stared at each other. It was like this every morning now for nearly three weeks or so. He just couldn’t get enough of Terry, drinking in every part of him. Ashley swore he could etch Terry’s face in his sleep, drawing every single line, every crease in his face or every pore that he had. Yet each morning he found something fresh to make his heart race faster as another new picture was stored in his memory.

That first week had been amazing and yet also frightening. He would wake up almost every 30 minutes each night to find Terry staring at him. If he wasn’t then within seconds of Ashley opening his eyes and looking at Terry’s sleeping body the eyes would suddenly pop open and Terry would be awake. It was strange but he always woke up wondering if he had dreamed it all. He still felt that way each morning now but he no longer woke up every half hour. His body though constantly felt for Terry and once or twice when Terry had gotten up to go pee in the middle of the night he had woken up in a cold sweat thinking Terry had left him.

Ashley had always known inside that he loved Terry but he never really understood just how much until they had made love that first night. All of his fears and doubts about inadequate had tormented him and at times still did. Yet each time since the sex had only seemed to get more intense, more draining. It wasn’t the acts either that made it so unreal to him. There had been that time when he had had a bad day at work and came home dejected.

Terry was waiting as usual for him but it was different. He stood there like he always did when Ashley would open the door but this time he held a small rose in his hand. His eyes were cast upwards but his face was lowered. For a moment Ashley had thought Terry was about to tell him it was over but as he closed the door and then turned to once more look at Terry he felt a strange glow inside. Terry had moved up closer and handed him a beautiful brilliant orange coloured Rose. Ashley had never seen such a brilliant colour.

As he had given it to him Terry looked hard into Ashley’s face and simply told him how much he ached for him. That was all it took and Ashley’s mood had evaporated into thin air. He felt the flush on his cheeks and felt the hard press of his erect cock as his body shook while it fell effortlessly into the open arms that waited for him. The rose had fallen to the carpet but in his heart he could still feel it as they held tightly onto each other. He felt Terry’s desire for him reaching inside and touching him in such a powerful way that his body shook and shuddered. The growing wet spot on his jeans didn’t matter as they just hung tightly to each other then.

Thinking back to that moment he could still feel the orgasm that had raced through his body without even touching. Sure they were holding each other but they were dressed and still he had an orgasm that rivalled the one previous. It was like that he realized as he watched Terry reaching for the toast. Their eyes always seemed to be searching for the other and inside he knew that neither he nor Terry were ever at ease until they were connected in some way. It was scary to realize just how much this curly blonde young man meant to him but he didn’t care, after all Terry felt the same way about him.

For the life of him he didn’t know how he could keep his body from exploding. The touch of Ashley’s hand on his face had been like fire touching dry wood. He had shook but while his body groaned he managed to keep it from exploding once more. He never had that trouble before but now, it was like just looking at Ashley threatened to make him cum. Terry felt annoyed at himself for that but then again he had to admit, the orgasms that came with those moments were unbelievable too. He only wished he could share those feelings with Ashley. But even as the thought raced across his mind his eyes moved towards the navy blue orbs that held him in their gaze.

In that second he knew that Ashley had heard his thoughts. In that split second of contact he could feel that Ashley was no stranger to how he felt each time his body exploded in wild passion. He sighed a little and a smirk came to his face as he felt the growing desire welling up in Ashley’s own face. Funny how it was like this practically every morning now. Those times when it wasn’t were simply because they had already given in to the insatiable desire of their bodies.

You turned off the alarm again, didn’t you?

Uh huh.

Why? You know I have to meet Ken.

Yep.

Well then? Now I can’t… I mean…

Ashley knew exactly what Terry was referring to. It seemed neither of them could ignore the insistent demand of their love for long. Even breakfast usually was interrupted by their passion but today was special.

Least this way you’ll be on time for a change.

Bitch.

Yep, yours.

Terry just lay there looking across at Ashley. His eyes smarted from the mist that came to them and he felt them watering even more as he saw the wide smile growing across Ashley’s thin pale lips. How inviting they were and how much he ached to taste them. The piece of toast he held in his hand fell as he reached out to grab a hand full of Ashley’s long blond hair.

He pulled the head towards him and closed his eyes as Ashley’s mouth came to his. Terry felt his tongue press up against the warm moist mouth and spread the thin lips apart. He felt the taste of coffee and bacon as his tongue snaked quickly inside the opening. He breathed deeply as his body grew hot. His legs were once more shaking as their passion & need for each other suddenly mixed together. Terry felt the breath leave his lungs as his body grew tense. Ashley’s hand was around behind his head now pulling it closer just as Terry’s hand was doing. Their faces were crushed together and yet all he could feel was the tender caress of Ashley’s love on his heart.

How long they held the embrace seemed like hours but wasn’t even a minute or so. The squeaking of the bed and the thump of his leg on the mattress finally made them break apart and Terry felt suddenly exhausted & yet thrilled at the same time. Once again their hearts had defied logic and once more they had found themselves both breathing hard. The feeling of passion seemed to just swirl around them as Terry panted.

Guess we are doing laundry again huh?

I guess so, maybe we should invest in some rubber sheets? Might be easier if this keeps up.

Oh I’ll keep IT up, but I prefer these to rubber.

He couldn’t help but laugh at Ashley. He had such a serious expression on his face as he had said it and yet there was also that smirk of his. God if this was real love as he believed it was he was thankful that he had taken that step forward. To not have this would be like not living.

I can think of something else that sticks…

I can too but uh, you don’t’ have time & besides you better go shower.

Maybe I can skip that if…

There was no mistaking the glint in Terry’s eyes or the infliction in his voice. He wanted him which only made him smile and feel warm all over. Still as much as he ached to just climb back up on the bed and feel Terry inside him or him inside of Terry he had to be strong. Terry had to meet Ken on business and that was important, for them both.

No… Ken will be waiting.

I know… still…

Besides I have to get to work too.

How’d you become the practical one here?

Easy, it’s the wife’s job to keep her man on track…

It was a tease, he knew it but it bothered him. Terry couldn’t quite explain it but every time Ashley called himself the ‘wife’ it made Terry cringe. He couldn’t accept Ashley that way as his mouth stopped its smile. His eyes narrowed their focus onto Ashley’s face now as he tried to marshal his thoughts.

Stop that…

What?

Stop calling yourself a wife.

It was partly a tease but also partly serious. He really did think of himself as Terry’s wife. He couldn’t understand why Terry didn’t appreciate the wry humour of it but there was so much still to learn about his man. Christ even in his thoughts he would think of them as husband and wife. Was he mistaken that maybe Terry still didn’t see them that way?

Aren’t I?

No… no you are much more than that… Ashley, I can’t… Christ I love you so much…

I know, I am just teasing you.

Yeah, I know but you aren’t a wife and I am not a husband…

Then what are we?

Terry sat up in the bed, his legs drawn up under his chin as he stared down at Ashley. He saw the anxious look in his face and knew that he needed the right words to explain this. It somehow was important to him that he make Ashley understand why to him, calling themselves wife and husband was not a compliment necessary, because to him they were much more than what the words now meant.

He stared for a minute as he tried to gather his words and silently he prayed asking for help. He cared so much for Ashley that he was petrified of even saying the wrong thing which might hurt him. It hurt too much when he had done that and he knew this could be one of those times.

I don’t know if I can say this right… I guess that these days, well being a wife and hubby isn’t what it used to mean. Today it’s a, well, a matter of convenience for most.

I don’t mean it that way Terry…

I know Ash, but out there… in that crazy world it is, and well… you are too special to be tagged with something that common.

Ashley couldn’t help but fix his eyes on Terry’s face. It was strange to be sitting on the floor and looking up at him this way but yet it felt right. He had seen Terry’s body shake earlier and he had even felt the strange jolt when they had kissed. It was always this way it seemed and at those moments he was certain he could read and understand all of what went on inside of Terry.

To him being the wife to Terry was natural. It meant more to him than maybe it should and yet as he sat there, resting on his arms he knew that something else was happening. As much as he loved Terry they hadn’t yet really defined what it was that they were. He could see and even feel that same thought passing inside of Terry.

Then, what are we? Lovers?

Yeah, we are that… but even that just isn’t, special enough to say how I feel about you… I guess, there really isn’t any word or phrase… I mean when you aren’t around it is hard not to think of you, when you are around I can’t seem to get enough of being next to you or to touch you. Shit, I was a professional sex seller, yet you make me cum by a look, a word… that isn’t normal… it isn’t being your hubby or your lover or you mine… Ashley, you are me. I can’t be anything if you aren’t there…

I am not going anywhere Terry… don’t even…

No, no I know that Ash… it’s like, well sometimes people refer to their ‘wife’ as the other half… that’s it… because really… without you I am only half alive, half of a person.. with you I am whole… so if you have to, that maybe is what it is… no, no that is what it is Ash… you are the half of me that makes me a whole person…

The way Terry’s face suddenly had glowed when he had came up with it was making him tremble inside. To finally hear the words that he had felt were amazing to him. His eyes were already misted by his passion but now the bonds of love were slowly mingling with their desire and need for each other. At last he was feeling that this was as he had been feeling it. This wasn’t just a dream or passing fancy but real. So real that it hurt to think of anything else but Terry and himself being one.

Christ, I am going to… damn it Terry…

What? Ashley I didn’t mean to make you cry… I am sorry…

The sudden concern didn’t go unnoticed inside. Despite the raging emotions that welled up within Ashley knew just how much Terry had meant each and every word. It was more powerful than standing up in some cathedral and saying ‘I do’ and yet he still dreamed of one day doing just that. He loved Terry and now not even his mind could have any doubt that Terry returned the love a thousand times over.

No, its not that, it is just, well it is how I feel about you, that to think that you feel the same is… well it is just like a dream constantly coming true… I could never get tired of hearing you tell me that… God I love you so much…

Ashley felt himself being hauled up and dragged onto the bed. He collapsed immediately into Terry’s arms and snuggled his tear stained face deep into Terry’s shoulder. He felt the hot flesh burning against his cheek and his heart thundered in his ears. All he could hear was the soft lilting voice of Terry telling him how much he loved him. It didn’t matter what words were used but hearing them were almost as powerful as it was feeling them.

His body shook as he felt the strong arms around him. The soft wet kiss on his cheek only adding to the growing tremors that now raced up and down his spine. He was loved for himself and at last his mind was accepting it. At long last the inner turmoil that had haunted him for all of his life was being put to rest by the words of his other half. The half that made him whole.

Terry felt totally drained emotionally as he stared into Ashley’s face. He could feel his heart beating in time next to his own when only seconds earlier he had felt the two hearts as one. It was a feeling he never grew tired of despite the fear it sometimes gave him. He wondered what would happen if life took a different turn but he brushed it away. He had Ashley now and that was all that mattered.

Ashley was finally beginning to catch his breath again. It was amazing how in the mere blink of an eye he could be left so breathless. It was the power that Terry had over him but even as he thought it he knew that he held the same hold over Terry. Christ if this is what his dad had meant then he finally understood why he had fallen for that bitch of a new wife. He had been too weak to know the difference and he felt his body snuggling in tighter even as he knew that for now, getting to know Terry even more would have to wait.

Terry…

What babe?

As much as I love this… uh you still have to go meet Ken.

He really didn’t want to move. If he could find a way to spend eternity this way he’d be happy he thought. Maybe they could eventually just buy a huge one room house.. the bed and kitchen plus bathroom all in one area, close at hand so he’d never have to move far from Ashley. It was stupid but at times like this he just didn’t want to move.

Shit.

I know, and I have to get to work as well…

We could say fuck it…

Yeah and then we’d both be unhappy cause we made the other stay home…

I wouldn’t mind it…

Yes you would.

Yeah, I guess… besides it is for us.

He smiled as he tried to gently extradite himself from under Terry’s arms. It really had been a bizarre meeting and yet the instant he saw Ken he knew he wasn’t a threat. It had worried him at first, the way this older ex customer had suddenly become so helpful to Terry. In the back of his mind he had thought he was trying to get in between him and Terry but after that first meeting he knew better. The guy simply cared for Terry more like a son than anything else.

He does seem nice.

I still feel kind of surprised by all he’s doing for us, but I always liked him as a straight shooter… uh…

He could feel Terry’s fears and instinctively he answered him, knowing before the words were spoken what it was that bothered his love. Maybe he was crazy but it really didn’t upset him that Ken had slept with Terry. Ashley knew that he was the only one who Terry wanted to share his body with and so he had no worries about them meeting.

No… it doesn’t Terry.

Terry hated to feel Ashley’s body slipping out from under his arms. Yet even as he did he knew that he had to get a move on. Thinking of Ken was something he would have to focus on but for now he still wanted to think of nothing but how good it felt to have Ashley next to him. The scent filled his nostrils as he gradually released his love. It was hard but he did it, knowing that Ashley felt the same. They really were one when together which was how Ashley had known exactly what he had been about to ask him. He smiled as Ashley kissed him on the belly before jumping off the bed to let Terry get up.

How… never mind I know.

Mmmmm, yep me too.

Walking towards the diner he couldn’t help but feel giddy. It had been three weeks and yet it didn’t seem that long. Everything still was fresh and exciting. He had no idea what would be in store when he got home but he knew it would be special. Ashley felt like the world had suddenly become a gorgeous place to be and he felt like singing though he didn’t. He might be an okay looker but he had heard his voice on tape, a singer he wasn’t. The smile on his face made people turn their heads as he passed them but he didn’t see any of it. All he could think about was how it felt to be whole when he lay next to Terry. It was all he cared about and nothing else mattered as even the sour expression on Adam failed to dent his armour of love. Nothing could tarnish the love he felt for Terry.

He knew it was the same for Terry. Ashley had felt it when Terry had told him that he was the other half of him. It was as if he had reached inside and known exactly what Ashley himself had been feeling at that very moment. It was a connection that wouldn’t leave him as he whistled a little while changing for work. It was a life he had always wanted and he vowed to never let anything stand in the way of holding onto Terry and the love they shared for each other.

*****

Paul parked the new Ford Expedition in his parking spot by the chain link fence and stared out at the clear evening sky. He felt dull and he knew it wasn’t from the hectic schedule at work that was making him this way. He knew inside exactly what it was but he still tried to ignore it, to make it disappear. Funny think was that the more he tried to ignore it the more the stupid thoughts would come to him.

Even Manny had noticed his mood this last few weeks and had even commented on it. He had gotten a short curt answer in return which had hurt the boy. For the last few days Manny had kept his distance which also made Paul feel even more miserable. It wasn’t Manny’s fault and as he sighed, he knew he’d have to make it up to him.

His eyes glanced around the marina looking for the tell tale sign of the boy working but he couldn’t find him. It hurt a bit to think that he had caused an innocent boy like Manny pain but he had so much on his mind. Still it wasn’t an excuse and he trudged up to the office to see if Manny was there and if not to leave him a message to stop by the boat later.

His mind felt dull from all the thinking he had been doing lately. Nothing seemed to go easily even at work. Just when he thought he had something down pat he would find a way to screw it up. It had been like this ever since he first met Rob which added to his frustration. He didn’t know why he had expected anything different but still it bothered him that Rob hadn’t called. Paul felt almost like it was a betrayal in some strange way or maybe it was just him being silly. After all Rob owed him nothing. Besides the guy was straight so why was he having all those weird dreams about him?

Maybe he just needed to get laid but that would more than likely lead to only more self recriminations and pain. He hated it each time in the past and was smart enough to know it wouldn’t be any different this time around. Still he was tired of being alone and as much as sex was not an issue for him, there were times when he craved it. The last few weeks seemed to be intent on becoming one of those times but it felt very different.

Jerking off alone hadn’t really helped either. He would start by imagining some unknown face with a body that he was attracted to but it kept changing before he could bring himself to a climax. The face would dissolve to Rob’s or worse to the smiling image he had of Terry as a kid. That made him grow soft in a hurry because whacking off to the face of his younger brother was just plain sick. Least in his mind it was plus it made him feel dirty. Never in the past had this happened to him but for some reason thinking of Rob would always conjure up images of Terry or thoughts of him. It was like the two were somehow connected with his subconscious mind.

Can I help you Mr Jamison?

Paul was startled by the voice at first and stepped back a bit, bumping into the door. He hadn’t realized that he had walked into the marina office. He saw Manny’s father at the small counter staring at him and he smiled, rubbing his eyes a bit to try and force his mind clear.

Sorry, I was daydreaming a bit.

No problem, you okay?

Yes, fine thank you. Uh is Manny around?

No he isn’t. Can I help you?

The fog in his mind grew a bit thicker as he tried to read the tone of voice from Manny’s father. It felt strange and was too civil really. The man was being very formal as if he was weighing every word. For a moment he wondered if the man knew about him? He doubted it but the fear of discovery gnawed at him none the less.

Uh, no it’s okay, I just wanted to see if he wanted to go for a sail this weekend.

That is very generous of you, I am sure he’d like to but it isn’t necessary.

I know, he’s a good kid, uh, I was planning on maybe leaving Friday after work, returning Sunday, would that be a problem for you?

Well, under ordinary circumstances, but… I don’t know. Just the two of you going on this sail?

‘under ordinary circumstances?’ It didn’t make sense to him, what was the guy trying to tell him? Did he know that he was gay and afraid his son might be, what? The way the man’s eyes seemed to keep avoiding contact with him was making him nervous. Christ just what I need he thought.

Huh? Oh, I am not sure, I was going to ask another friend to come along, but he might have to work so, I don’t know…

I’ll be frank Mr Jamison, I am not sure its such a good idea.

The way he had said ‘Mr. Jamison’ was enough. He knew that Manny wasn’t going to be allowed to go. It was almost as if the man was uncomfortable in talking about it. He couldn’t for the life of him figure it out as he showed his disappointment.

Oh? Is there something wrong? I don’t mean to pry but…

No, no its nothing really to do with you, I mean you probably haven’t even noticed it but…

But what?

Well Sir, Manny has had a rough time of things, and well, he’s got sort of a, well… this isn’t easy for me to say, but he’s quite taken with you. You are more or less his idol I suppose.

His shoulders sagged a little as he listened to the halting explanation from Manny’s father. It wasn’t that he was gay or that the man knew he was. It was just a case of misplaced hero worship. Paul felt a bit easier even though deep down inside he still had a nagging doubt as to the explanation.

Oh, I see. I didn’t… I mean…

I just don’t’ want you to think you have to be nice to him or go out of your way. I am sure its just a passing phase, but well, you do intrigue his young mind and all.

I don’t, he’s been very helpful around the boat and he does seem to enjoy sailing, but if you think that…

I really think it would be for the best Sir, a day sail is fine now and then but…

Yes, well I won’t mention it then.

Thank you, is there anything else? Shall I see that you are all topped off  with fresh water and all?

Huh? Oh, sure, that’ll be fine.

Paul left the small office quickly. He wasn’t sure but the more he thought about it the less he believed the excuse. So what if the kid idolized him? Why would it suddenly be a bad idea to let him go on a sail? There had to be more to it than that but he was too tired to try and figure it all out. Besides he had other problems to deal with, such as the sail itself.

It had been a spur of the moment idea and now his boat was being topped off but he had no idea where he was going to go. Worse he had lied about asking a friend. His mind was confused as he stopped at the boat and stared out to sea. He tried to see if he could hear Tobias but all he heard was the birds overhead. No chatter, no sound at all from his only real friend.

The night was dragging for him. He felt so alone and empty inside that he felt a tear near his eye. Angrily he brushed it away as he throw out the remains of his dinner. Once more he hadn’t really eaten much. It was just one more annoyance for him that made him grow angry. He paced below deck and stopped at the bundle of clean clothes at the foot of his bunk. Laundry had been yesterday but he hadn’t taken the time to put anything away. He sighed as he tossed the bundle up on the bunk and began to sort his clothes out and place them into the right nooks.

He came to his dress pants and stared at them in his hand. His mind was surprised by his sudden stoppage and yet his heart began to race a bit faster as the thought finally made its way up to his conscious mind.

If Mohammed won’t come to the mountain then maybe the mountain should go to Mohammed he thought. His eyes narrowed as he turned and glanced up at the small clock. He had time as he quickly threw off his day clothes and padded over to his shower. A quick wash and he was towelling off before 10 minutes had past on the clock.

Paul rummaged in the pile and pulled out a soft blue long sleeve button shirt that he put over himself. Fresh boxers and then the clean linen pants. He combed his hair and noticed that he had let it grow a bit too much. Still he kind of liked the shaggy look it gave him and it did compliment his bronzed skin nicely. He reached inside one small drawer to bring out the watch. As his fingers pulled it out he saw the small double entwined dolphin chain.

Terry had given it to him on his birthday just before all the trouble had hit. His eyes grew moist as he held the chain in his hands, wondering if he’d ever see Terry again. Tears were welling up as he put the chain back into the drawer. He still couldn’t bear to wear it. The memories it gave him was unbearable and yet as he started to walk away he couldn’t.

The pull of the chain was like a snake’s eyes on its prey. He could feel it calling to him and he shuddered as he felt his feet moving him back to the drawer. Once more the silver dolphins gleamed up at him from the palm of his hand. His heart ached for Terry and this time the necklace was too powerful. For the first time since Terry had been forced to leave home he put the chain around his neck, feeling the dolphins against his chest.

A last check to make sure he had everything and then he was up and out of the boat. His eyes were narrow as he walked up the dock towards his SUV. As he passed onto the main dock he heard the chatter but it was different. He stopped and turned to see the small shadowy figures near his boat. So that was it he thought as he saw not just Tobias but another shape as well. Tobias had found a friend it seemed and the two of them were there seeing him off or so it appeared to him. He smiled wishing that he too could find a friend.

Walking down the street towards the bar entrance he saw several other men walking by. It wasn’t a bad looking area he thought and off in the distance he saw two young men close together. He could see the way their heads were bent inwards to each other that they obviously were a couple. It hurt a bit as he wished for a second that he could be one of them.

The wave of loneliness was almost unbearable as he stood there watching the two figures pass off into the darkness. For a moment or two he felt like turning around and just going back to the boat. Then his heart beat a bit faster and he took another step towards the bar. Thoughts of Terry came to him as he wondered if Terry had anyone special in his life? He hoped he did and prayed that it would be so as he finally came to the bar.

He was scared and not even sure what he would say to Rob but he couldn’t just let it go anymore. For good or bad he had to find out. Memories of Terry flashed thru his mind as he walked closer. Paul could hear him telling him that if you didn’t take a risk you’d never find it. They had been talking about getting dates and while Terry never came out and said it, Paul knew even then what Terry had meant. Hell even then Terry was always trying to fix him up with someone. If only he had let him or better if only he had taken some of Terry’s courage and stood up to his parents. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so alone, maybe then Terry would still be in his life.

Opening the door he vowed that he would wait no more. It had been long enough and as he headed towards the tall man who was the bouncer he began to compose the letter in his mind that would set it all in motion. His mother most likely would know where Terry was but she wouldn’t tell him directly. So he would have to go through John Childs. In some ways that would make it easier as long as he could convince John that it had nothing to do with stirring up old wounds or harm his mother. John was way stubborn when it came to threats to her or her position.

The bar wasn’t packed but it certainly looked busy. He stood just inside trying to see Rob and then he spied him taking a tray of drinks over to a table. Paul searched around the table and spotted an empty table by the wall that was near the dance floor. He quickly moved over to it to take his seat hoping it would still be in the area that Rob served. He could also feel a pair of eyes on him as he made his way to the table and then as he sat down he looked back from where he had just come. He saw the tall bouncer type looking at him and he simply nodded to him.

He had no idea why the guy was staring at him but he had given him quite a look when he had walked in. The man’s mouth seemed to want to say something to him but had held firm. The eyes on the other hand had felt so penetrating that for a second or two Paul wondered if the guy was going to ID him. He didn’t but Paul couldn’t get over the strange familiar feeling that came to him as he made his way in. Now those eyes were once more staring at him which made Paul feel a bit nervous. Did the guy recognize him from somewhere or did he look like he didn’t belong here?

Sitting alone at the table he glanced around, wondering if maybe he was making a huge mistake. Maybe he should just get up and leave. The notion of leaving seemed to be a good idea to his mind but somehow or other he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. His heart would beat like a race car when he tried to stand up and he felt dizzy even. It was like the fight inside of him was once more in full stride.

Yet as he grew to accept that he was here he felt strangely happy too. He was nervous and not sure what he would say to Rob but somehow he just knew he had to talk to him. It might be awkward and might even get him thrown out but deep down inside he just knew he had to do this. It felt odd but as he sat in the chair and felt it tip backwards a bit to lean against the wall, he felt strangely confident that it would all work out. He had no idea why but it felt right to be in this chair waiting for Rob.

He must be getting old or else had been working too hard as he stood looking into the bar. Carl felt strangely uneasy when the tall good looking blonde had come in. The way his blue eyes seemed to just glimmer and the toss of his head as he found his bearings had drawn Carl’s attention to him. The man couldn’t be more than say 25 or so and was relatively tall. Maybe 6 foot or so but it was his face that made Carl feel suddenly apprehensive.

It was a face well chiseld and bronzed by the sun. It added to the youthful appearance and the shaggy mop of hair only helped to highlight his good looks. He couldn’t quite place it but the way he walked, the way he held himself all seemed so familiar to him. There was something about him that peaked his interests and as the young man walked past Carl could smell the cologne. It too was familiar to him and yet not. Perhaps it wasn’t the cologne that was familiar but the scent of the young man himself?

He felt strangely uneasy as the man walked carefully past him. The eyes were piercing and yet had  a softness about them that made him certain he knew him. Yet as hard as he could he just couldn’t put a name to the face that now stared out into the bar. Carl watched him survey the whole room and then noticed how his shoulders grew rigid. Carl’s own eyes travelled over the man’s shoulder towards what had made the man stiffen and he saw Rob carrying a tray of drinks.

The man had proceeded quickly towards the one empty table near where Rob had just been depositing drinks. It made Carl think back to just three weeks earlier and made him smiled despite the unease inside. God he still found it hard to believe that Terry had done what he had that night. Christ the bar still talked about that night when two blonde studs captured everyone’s imagination by their dancing. It was at that table too he thought as he watched the man sit down in the chair that Terry had sat in. He could still see Ashley jumping up from his seat to crash hard into Terry’s body and push him up against the wall. Man what a night it had been and yet it was sad too. Terry and Ashley rarely made it to the bar these nights which was surprising.

He really hadn’t believed Rob when he told him what Terry had said that got Ashley so happy and excited. He knew that it would be a tough road for Terry to just walk away from the lifestyle of being a hustler but so far, knock on wood, he seemed to be managing quite nicely. He smiled and started to turn back to the door when the nagging inside grew a bit more intense. The image of the guy now sitting in that chair seemed so blasted familiar and yet not.

The room was a bit noisy and not really very crowded yet. It was early but he already had made about $50 in tips as he walked through his station, carefully noting who was full and who was getting close. He had spied a new person in his last empty table but didn’t make him out. All he had seen was a shaggy mop of sun bleached blonde hair that reminded him a bit of Paul.

The thought of Paul made him wince a bit as he took an order from a couple of regulars. He really should have called him but he just couldn’t seem to get the nerve up. He couldn’t even count how many times he had flipped open his cellular phone to dial the number to only wind up flipping it shut. He still tried to shut out that day afraid of what it might mean if he didn’t.

He moved around and came up to the table, remembering how he come to it and heard Terry and Ashley. God he wished he’d find something or someone who would feel that way for him. The emptiness he felt inside ever since that day out on the water never really seemed to leave him for very long. It had replaced the darkness for the most part but the nightmares still came to him though less frequently. Instead of those horror shows from his past he was now dreaming of new tortures.

His mind was thinking about Paul again as he came to the table. Rob wished that Terry and Ashley would come in more often. At least seeing them and how much they were in love helped at times like this. He turned to ask the blonde what he’d like when his eyes finally settled on the face and recognition came to him.

He stood there, stunned and speechless for several seconds. His heart was racing and he could hear it echo in his ears as he tried to gather his wits. This wasn’t what he had expect and yet seeing Paul there somehow changed him. He wasn’t sure but he felt excited, almost tingling really and he wondered why. Was Paul here to meet someone? That idea came to him first and it hurt. He didn’t want to know that or even think about it.

Was Paul here for him? That notion made his blood grow hotter as he blinked several times. He was petrified of the moment, afraid to find out if his first thought had been right and just as frightened if it was his second hoped for thought.

Paul…

Hi…

Uh, Hi.. uh, didn’t  uh see you come in… uh…

Paul could see the sudden break out of perspiration on Rob’s forehead. He also could feel his fear and it made his own heart quake a bit. The last thing he had wanted to do was give Rob any grief. It seemed though that this was his week for doing just that. He lowered his head a bit, afraid of what he might say and yet more afraid of not saying anything.

Sorry to startle you this way uh, if this isn’t uh, convenient, uh…

Convenient? I don’t… no, uh… look uh can I get you drink? I have some orders but uh…

Uh not really… I just came to ask you.. I mean…

Christ he was babbling but the words that Paul had come just to see him kind of gave him a strange glow inside. He knew some had come to drink simply to cop a feel or in the vain hope of more. Hell some had even offered him some pretty awesome incentives but not of those types of wanting him seemed to compare to what Paul implied. It was like he really had come to just see him, not try to turn him or bed him like the others, guys or girls.

You came to see me? Really?

Yes.. I am not trying to be a jerk, just that I thought you would have called and… well…

Rob felt the rebuke in the words but he could see that somehow it mattered more than he perhaps understood, or was it that he didn’t want to? Could it be that it mattered to him too but that couldn’t be, he wasn’t into guys.

I am sorry, I meant to… but I uh…

Look I won’t uh take up much time, uh, I just wanted to see if… well if you were okay and…

Paul was having troubles looking at Rob. It was like two schoolboys trying to get the nerve up to speak their minds. Yet Rob sensed that he couldn’t just toss this one off.

I am fine, sorry… uh this is bit, look let me just get these drink orders filled first, I’ll be back in 5 minutes and take my break… okay?

Sure, uh fine, I don’t want to get in the way, if you’d uh…

I can use a break, no sweat, uh get you a drink?

Huh? Oh… uh, well orange juice?

Sure… anything with it? Vodka?

No… sorry I am not really into alcohol…

No problem… 5 minutes okay?

Sure…

Rob moved away almost in a dead run. Paul couldn’t help but notice it and yet somehow he knew he was being pushed aside. He still didn’t know why he was here but something was forcing him to do this. He felt like an idiot and then he also felt rather self satisfied. At least this time he could say he tried instead of sitting in the boat wondering what might have been. He really wasn’t too sure if this was better but then it was kind of new for him.

It wasn’t that there had really been many that had attracted him. Hell none really that had gotten under his skin like Rob had that day. So really this was all new to him but he just couldn’t let it go. In the past he would want to meet someone, want to go out for dinner or a movie but instead had simply watched the opportunity pass him by. He had always retreated before it came to say anything, always without fail ignoring the urges of his insides.

Paul couldn’t figure out what it was that had made him come here. Sure it was perhaps the loneliness but it was more than that. He had to be honest at least with himself and he knew that something or someone had flicked on a switch inside of him. He knew that his constant dreaming of Terry lately wasn’t just an obsession but a reminder that time was fleeting. It was seeing Rob hunched over on the platform that afternoon that had started all this. He couldn’t just ignore that nor could he ignore what he had seen in the guy’s eyes.

In many ways it had been like looking into a mirror. The emptiness mingled with a ton of grief and pain was no different than his own mirrored reflection. He saw the regrets fully in his face just as he noticed them in Rob’s haggard face. It had made him step back even as he thought he had been looking at him. The fact that he had gone out to that platform alone and took no water, no food only made him know exactly what had been going on inside that drawn face. He knew it because he too had been there only for him a dolphin had appeared.

Now he was taking another step that perhaps had all come from his chance meeting so long ago. Here he was at last in the same city at least as his brother. Now if only he could find him, meet him and just try to tell him how much he missed him maybe then it would have been worth it. He doubted that but he knew that he couldn’t do it as he was. He knew that he couldn’t do it as long as he was alone.

While his orders were being filled Rob moved over to where Carl was standing. He quickly told him he was going to take his break early and was a bit surprised when Carl merely nodded at him. He didn’t seem to bat an eye and was even a bit preoccupied which was unusual for Carl. Still he didn’t hang around to question it as he felt like he didn’t want to waste one second of time.

He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he felt flattered that someone like Paul would even remember him let alone track him down this way. He was fairly certain Paul was gay but to be honest he never had really talked about it. He just seemed that way and the mournful eyes he had did something to Rob each time he summed up the courage to look into Paul’s eyes.

If he was totally honest with himself he would admit that Paul was attractive. Hell he was a hot looking guy in a way that was unsettling familiar. He had no idea why but he kept having this flash that he knew him. It was odd and he had shrugged it off before but now it just kept nagging at him. There was just something about Paul that made him ache too but he was more successful in pushing that particular feeling aside.

Maybe it was simply that Paul hadn’t really asked him much that day or perhaps it was that he didn’t have to ask him? The idea that Paul shared that with him was perturbing and yet also comforting. He hadn’t even told Carl all about it though he had skirted around it a bit with Terry one night shortly afterwards. Funny how Terry had looked at him and had that same look that Paul had that day. It was eerie and for a second he had thought he was looking at a twin to Paul but that wasn’t possible. Still it made him take another glance at Paul over at ‘the table’ once more.

He felt a strange shiver inside as he waited impatiently for his drink orders to be finished. The thinking back was making him sweat a bit and for some reason he felt uneasy, as if something out of his control was taking charge over him. He liked the look of Paul but not really in any sexual way, but in a way that surprised him. It was as if Paul was an extension to him in a way that he had never dreamed possible. In some strange way it seemed like Paul had gone where he was now and that fact seemed to give him hope that maybe he could get past this stage of his life, that perhaps he really could survive it.

Rob managed to deliver his drinks in record time and then moved quickly over to the table where Paul sat. He placed the tray down and placed a tall orange juice in front of Paul and another in front of himself. He sipped at the drink still marvelling at how he hadn’t had it spiked with Vodka. A wry smile came to his face as he also realized he hadn’t had a damn drop of booze or taste of anything even slightly illegal since that day he had met Paul. Maybe it was just fear or maybe it was something more than that. Yet all he could think of was that for whatever reason this guy had remembered him in a way that made his heart feel almost giddy with joy.  

So, uh, you wanted to see me?

Yeah

How come?

Fair question he thought as he tried to figure it out. Paul wasn’t sure he knew why himself so how could he explain it? A sort of panic was beginning to show itself inside but the beat of his heart quelled it for the time being. He looked down at the tall glass of orange juice between his hands as he tried to come up with the right words.

I don’t know, something about that day that uh, well, that seemed unfinished.

Huh? I don’t… not sure I am following you.

Don’t blame you, not sure even I understand it.

Part of him tried to make it like this was just an elaborate attempt at a pick up. Yet even as his mind flashed the warning to him, in his heart Rob knew it wasn’t like that. Maybe the guy did want him that way but that just didn’t seem to fit the image being projected. Maybe it was simply that the guy figured he owed him an explanation or at least a proper thank you.

About that, I uh.. I mean I never really thanked you for uh…

Picking you up?

What? Oh… yeah.. sorry but..

I know, my feeble attempt at humour I suppose.

It had startled him. The wry humour was no different than what Terry had said to him just after he had told him some of it. He had told him about a guy in a sailboat with some kid stopping and giving him a lift in. All Terry said was that he had a strange way of looking for a date, when he had a bar full of guys eager to date him but instead he goes swimming out to an abandoned platform to get a guy with a boat.

He had laughed but he also could see how Terry had known exactly what Rob had meant. It was kind of scary to hear that same laconic lilt in Paul’s voice now as he too tried to make light of what he knew to be something serious. It was almost as if both Terry and now Paul knew the truth and were afraid to just come out and ask. The way they both had cocked their heads as they joked only made him feel more unsettled and nervous.

No, it was just… shit I don’t know what to say.

Nothing to say really, not sure myself really. Guess I am just uh, well… I was thinking about you, hell to be honest I have sort of thought of you ever since that day…

Really? Why?

How do you tell a perfect stranger that somehow they managed to get under your skin that way Rob had with him? How do you tell someone you were fairly certain tried to off himself that you too had thought about it? He felt so inadequate and yet as the panic was about to set it all just sort of fell together in his mind. He knew what Terry would do and so he set out to once more mimic his brother.

I don’t know, lame huh?

Not really, I sort of, shit I have thought about it too, even picked up the phone a few times but…

Got scared?

Yes.

Me too, guess that’s why I just showed up here.

Paul I am not gay.

Don’t care about that, sex and all that, its okay but, I just thought maybe we could, well be friends?

I don’t… I mean I’d like to, not easy for me to be a friend though, you’d do better with someone who isn’t as… as…

Damaged?

Christ what was it about this guy? He knew what he was going to say before he did and yet it felt good. It was freaky but it felt so normal too. How could some guy he didn’t even know be able to read his thoughts before he could?

Yeah.

And like I am not? Fuck… sorry Rob… I didn’t mean to, it is just, I have spent too much time running, sort of like you, I know you won’t agree maybe, but I saw it in your eyes… it was like looking at myself a few years ago, not much has changed really except I am older and maybe, just maybe a bit smarter now. Not sure really, but I couldn’t just… just ignore what I saw.

Rob shivered a little as he listened to Paul’s words. He knew without thinking that they were the truth and not something just being said. The recollection of that day was fresh in his mind still and he could see Paul’s soft blue eyes staring deeply into his own eyes. It had felt odd then but now he knew what it was that he had seen buried deep in those eyes. He had seen himself and yet not. He had seen the same pain, the same feeling of shame and even regret only it wasn’t his, but Paul’s.

What you saw?

In your face that day. It was… it really was a look that I know… like I said I been there.

You too? I mean… uh…

Yeah, lame but maybe it gives me a right or some, some sort of excuse to butt in…

Are you sure you want to Paul?

Rob had spoken very quietly with a tinge of despair in his voice. Paul could feel it and knew that it was really no different than how he too felt at times. It was as if life had turned into one huge disappointment and yet he somehow felt hope now. It was strange to feel this way knowing that the young man in front of him could easily walk away if he said the wrong word. Then what would he do? Would he still think of him or would he forget him like he had forgot others? Somehow Paul knew he’d never forget Rob, no matter what happened.

Kind of, I can’t really explain it, but yeah, I am sure. That is if, if you’ll let me.

I don’t know… but maybe. I just don’t know if I can, but I guess I can try, if you are okay with that?

With?

Me not being gay, me being one fucked up dude.

I think so, look, all I want is to be friends, to just, well to just stop being alone. I am not into that whole sex scene, hell its been awhile but its not something that is important to me, least not in the way you think. I don’t know, maybe it is just being older or maybe its having been where you are now, but I’d rather have you as a friend rather than bed you, if that makes much sense.

It was weird but he actually believed him. He could see it reflected in his eyes though in one sense it was a let down. He did after all have a nice looking body and to think he wasn’t turning the guy on was a bit disconcerting. Then too he kind of wondered about that. How the fuck could he feel relieved and upset at the same time for the same response? Either he wanted to be thought of as a sex object or he didn’t?

So, what then? You just want us to hang out together or what?

Kind of, I was wondering if… well I just want to get away, to sail off and let the ocean work its magic on me, and well… I sort of was hoping you’d come along, I don’t mean for long, just the weekend.

This weekend?

Yes.

The idea of the wind in his face, no people around but Paul was making his heart pound. He could hear the ocean roaring and feel it even as he sat there. He couldn’t believe how inviting, how tempting it was. For a second he felt strangely perplexed because he should be jumping up saying no, instead he was seriously hoping he would say yes. He didn’t know this guy but was excited about being alone with him far from any outside help. How whacked was this?

I don’t know… I mean… kind of sudden and…

I swear, I won’t try anything, but maybe bore you to death with stupid talk or silence but please, will you?

I don’t think you’d bore me, just that… I might not be the conversationalist you think. Hell I know I am not, and I am not interesting…

That doesn’t matter. You like to swim?

Sure.

Then see we share that, we can swim in the middle of the ocean with no one around, no humans to ruin it with their chatter or shrill voices. We can just let the… sorry I am pushing aren’t I?

The idea of saying no was killing him. Just looking at Paul and how animated he suddenly had become when he talked about just the two of them swimming made his heart pound, his pulse race even. He could feel the blood growing hot inside as he imagined the two of them paddling around the boat with nothing else in site. It was a vision he felt comforting and enticing. He should be running from Paul but instead he knew that he was about to take a step in a direction that was totally unknown. He knew it as well as he knew his own name. The fear of it rose up but the beat of his heart stopped it as he heard himself speaking.

Kind of, but to be honest, its kind of nice. Okay.

He was about to try a different argument but the last word echoed inside of him stilling his tongue. He licked his lips and looked up as he hoarsely asked for clarification. It couldn’t be what he thought his mind told him but his heart was suddenly on fire. It was almost like his dreams were no longer an impossible fantasy.

Okay what?

Okay I’ll come along. When do we leave?

7 tomorrow night?

When would we be back?

Sunday night, early?

Okay.

Paul still thought he was hearing things but the smile that was growing across his face told him otherwise. Rob had agreed and he wanted to jump up shouting ‘yes’ in a jubilant scream. It was too good to be true, it had to be a joke or something? Did he really hear it right he wondered as he asked one last time.

Really?

Yes… I don’t know why but it sounds like fun really, to just sail off for a few days… swim in the ocean without people around, yeah I want to.

Can I pick you up someplace?

How about out front at say, 6:30 ?

Okay, for real?

He couldn’t believe he had agreed so easily. Christ was he nuts or worse, was he plain stupid? To agree was one thing, to do it maybe another but even as he thought about simply not showing up he could imagine the crushed look it would cause on Paul’s face. It was a look he knew he couldn’t cause or be responsible for. There was no explanation for this strange feeling. Yet even knowing that he still felt exhilarated. The idea of being alone with Paul wasn’t wrought in fear and seemed like it was something he should be embracing.

Yeah, I have to uh go tell Carl, uh my boss, but yeah for real.

It won’t get you into trouble? With work I mean.

Just for a moment he wondered if it would. Taking off for the two busiest nights would not be something Carl would appreciate. He was a good producer for the bar and then too there was his own finances. Christ taking off Friday and Saturday would cost him at least three hundred bucks in tips if not a damn sight more. The idea of losing that kind of money somehow though didn’t seem all that important. The idea of swimming in the ocean with Paul seemed suddenly to mean a whole lot more to him.

Nah, it won’t.

You sure?

Positive, hang on and I’ll go make sure now.

Okay, uh Rob…

Yeah?

Thanks.

Rob moved away from the table and headed over towards the front door. Paul followed him with his eyes still afraid that this would all come crashing down as just one more disaster for him. He felt strangely apprehensive as his mind kept tossing up arguments of why it wouldn’t happen.

All sorts of objections came to him but somehow his heart held firm. Somehow he felt like there really was hope that it would happen, that Rob really would get permission, that he wasn’t going to get him tossed out of the bar. His mind kept arguing but even as he watched the glaring face of the tall man at the door he felt like the odds were somehow stacked in his favour. He could see the way the two of them argued and he felt frightened. Maybe he had been too optimistic yet the way Rob seemed to keep forcing it, he wasn’t sure.

If Rob hadn’t wanted to go he certainly wasn’t showing it. The way he stood toe to toe with his boss showed him that. He wished he could hear what was being said but then again he really was glad he didn’t hear it all. His mind was still disbelieving what his eyes were witnessing but his heart was calm. It was kind of like he knew that the instant Rob had said yes that it would all happen. He would set sail tomorrow night with Rob as his guest.

As the thought warmed his soul he saw the two break off their discussion. The tall dude merely nodded and then turned to stare in his direction. Paul could feel his gaze on him but he managed to keep his own eyes averted as he watched Rob return to the table.

Okay all set.

He didn’t look very happy.

He’s okay, so 6:30 out front tomorrow night it is.

Paul merely nodded as he felt like he couldn’t speak without breaking down. He never realized just how important it was that Rob come along. It was almost too good to be true as he slowly stood up to head back. He looked at Rob and saw a small smile that melted his heart. He realized that his statement that no sex wouldn’t be a problem was suddenly not quite as easy a chore as he had thought. There was something about Rob that had gotten inside where only Terry had ever gotten to. It felt odd to have someone else there, next to his heart but he didn’t question it. He merely revelled in the warmth as he headed out the door, ignoring the strange look he got from Rob’s boss, Carl.

 

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