Morality Exists in the Gay World

Chapter 7

He glanced up at the large clock over the time cards and his heart skipped a beat or two as Ashley realized that it was nearing 8 o’clock . It was his first week working here but that isn’t what him excited. Ever since Carl had found him this job working the grill at the burger stand at exactly 8 every night Terry showed up. It was the highlight of his day and actually made him feel excited.

It felt strange that first night, cooking a burger with cheese and bacon for the guy he knew he was in love with. What was maybe a bit stranger was that Terry actually showed up. He still couldn’t believe it and then the next night had only made it seem even more special. Now it was almost expected though Terry never said much or indicated that he would be here the next night.

Despite all of Terry’s reasons for not wanting to get involved Ashley knew that somehow it was going to happen. Why else would Terry show up every night now? Why would he make sure to sit in front at the counter so he could see him? It had to be that Terry felt for him like he felt for Terry. It just was going to take time for him to show Terry that he didn’t care about what Terry did for Terry to let go.

That first night had been something special. He still wasn’t sure how or why but he knew that for now at least, he had a chance. With Terry coming here every night since he was almost positive of it. There was no hard evidence that things would go how he wanted but he just seemed to know it would. It was like there was this voice inside that kept reassuring him. Felt kind of neat but at times it scared him too.

He was smart enough to know that in many ways he was being obsessive about Terry. Yet how could he not be? Christ Terry had everything that pushed all of Ashley’s buttons. Just thinking of him would give him the hardest erection he had ever experienced. Shit, jerking off to the image of Terry was like blasting off to the moon on a space ship or something. The force of his ejaculations actually hurt at times but he didn’t care, because it was about Terry.

There was just something about hearing his voice, about seeing the way his eyes would get a glint whenever they managed to make eye contact. Ashley knew it in his heart and he couldn’t wait for when Terry would accept it like he had. He could see the way Terry would try to fight it, yet the few times they had managed to go to the bar together he had seen how he would warn people off.

It felt kind of weird actually. There was so much he wanted to know, wanted to ask but he also didn’t want to push his luck. Ever since that first night there had been a change in Terry. When they had gone to the bar together, they talked and had maybe two or three drinks. Free offers of drinks came the second night just as the first but they quickly ceased coming shortly afterwards.

Ashley was fairly certain that Terry had said something to Rob or Carl or maybe both. Free drinks just never showed up now which was nice.  What really felt better was that Terry never left to go with someone else even for an hour or two.  It wasn’t that Terry had stopped hustling, just that he didn’t do it in front of Ashley when they were together.

His shift was from 4 to midnight . Terry would show up at 8 and then leave by half past or quarter to. Then at about half past midnight he’d meet Ashley out front and together they would go to the bar. He never asked but he knew that whatever business Terry did, he did before they met at midnight .

It was kind of flattering to think that Terry would try to keep him from seeing it. Still it bugged him a bit. Okay maybe he was naïve about some things, maybe he was even a bit idealistic about life but didn’t Terry get it? He loved him for him not for his body or anything like that. He really didn’t care what Terry did for money as long as it was what Terry wanted.

Maybe that was stupid because he could think of some things that might turn him off but Terry didn’t do those things so what did they matter? All he did know was that Terry sold himself which wasn’t maybe great, but it didn’t make him less desirable. Okay maybe it was a bit of hero worship or something but why couldn’t Terry understand that it just didn’t matter to him?

He was smart enough to know that it did bug Terry which made him want to ask why he did it. Course he didn’t but he did wonder. There was so many things he wished he could just come out and ask but after that first night he just didn’t want to push his luck. It was still amazing that Terry started to show up here at 8 and then meet him afterwards.

Ashley’s eyes moved up to the clock and noticed it was 5 minutes past. He began to worry as he stared out at the door but just as he began to worry if Terry was not going to show, the door opened and in he walked. Ashley’s heart fluttered a bit and he dropped the spatula in his hand which made him cringe a bit.

It was no secret to anyone that the new kid had a crush on the new regular. The others in the kitchen all turned to look and when they saw Terry walking in a few of them merely smiled except for one. He only glared at the new kid whenever he came to work and most who worked there ignored him as well. The guy simply wasn’t social or whatever it was. Ashley could feel his hateful glare against his back but he didn’t care as there was Terry.

The waitress smiled as she took Terry’s order and turned around to call it out for the cooks. Her eyes stared right at Ashley as she called out his order and Ashley felt a bit flushed as she looked at him. He could tell that she didn’t understand the whole two guy thing but she didn’t seem to have a problem with it like Adam did.

Adam had started the day after Ashley and right from the get go they hadn’t hit it off. Mind you he hadn’t seem to hit it off with anyone else but with Ashley it seemed worse. He couldn’t put his finger on it other than the guy simply didn’t like gays. He would sneer at him and earlier he was certain that Adam had hissed at him when he had walked by in the staff room.

Couple of others weren’t exactly thrilled either but at least they didn’t sneer or hiss. They just nodded or mumbled a hello but he didn’t feel like they hated him like how he felt when around Adam. He actually dreaded seeing him but he tossed it off. The girls were the most accepting for some reason and the waitress who had just taken Terry’s order was perhaps the friendliest person there.

The fact that when she first had laid eyes on Terry she had whistled and after he had left, she had gone up to Ashley to ask if Terry was his or what. When he blushed she just laughed and said ‘figures, the hot ones always seem to have a boyfriend these days’. He couldn’t help but laugh too though he noticed how Adam was the only one who didn’t laugh. The look on his face was frightening really but he just pushed it aside, refusing to let the guy’s hatred ruin it for him. He felt so much pride that others were envious of his relationship with Terry that he wouldn’t let Adam or anyone else ruin it for him.

Terry saw the sudden relief on Ashley’s face when he walked in. He smiled at him and saw the way Ashley’s eyes suddenly began to glow. It was always that way he thought as he moved towards the counter. Whenever he would smile or look at Ashley he could see the pure joy etched all over the guy’s face. It felt kind of nice but still scared the crap out of him.

Hell he was a frigging whore but Ashley didn’t seem to give a damn about that. He couldn’t quite figure out what it was that made him even care what Ashley thought but he knew he did. It irked him that this fresh from the farm kid mattered to him. No one had gotten in under his protective barrier for a long time. Not like Ashley seemed to have anyhow.

Sure he had become friends with Carl but even with Carl there were certain areas that he had kept hidden or tried to. Carl was pretty good at seeing beyond the levels of protection but not as good as Ashley was. Okay that wasn’t quite true because when he was around Ashley it was like he had no barriers up. He wanted to but he just couldn’t find a way to do it, to wall himself off.

It bugged him a little and yet he kept showing up here every night at the same time. It wasn’t that the food was great though he had to admit, Ashley didn’t do a bad job with cooking. It had kind of surprised him when Carl had told him the next day that Ashley could cook and was out looking for work. He also had no idea why he had blurted out that he knew a place that might hire Ashley.

Carl had stared at him with those deep penetrating eyes of his and just nodded. He knew, least Terry was pretty certain that he did and when he had called Carl later on to give him the particulars he was certain that Carl knew for sure then. It was strange too, because all Carl had asked was if he was sure. When Terry had said ‘yes’ that had been it. It was also shortly afterwards that Carl had told Ashley he could stay at his place until he saved up enough to get his own place.

Carl had no way of knowing how Terry knew about this place but he had to have some idea. As long as Ashley never found it he thought it would be okay. Still it was a bit uneasy for him to keep hidden. The way Ashley had gushed about the new job, how easy it had been to get hired and how great it was of Carl to have gotten him the job. He really was a hick and had no idea which suited Terry. Least he had thought it did but each night that he came to eat here he felt a bit more uneasy about it.

For starters he wondered how long it would take for Ashley to find out the truth? Would the owner of the place or the manager let it out? He was fairly certain the owner wouldn’t but the manager might by accident even though he wouldn’t know all the details. Least Terry was fairly certain he didn’t know them.

Terry still couldn’t quite explain to himself why he had gone to the guy and made the deal. It wasn’t like he and Ashley could ever be a couple. Sure it was what Ashley wanted and to be honest, he wouldn’t have minded a relationship like that. Still his past, his type of work would always be the stumbling block no matter how much Ashley said it didn’t matter. In his own heart he knew it would so why then had he gone to the owner and made the deal? Why did he care that Ashley not have to take the same road as he had taken?

Okay the guy had a way with him. The way his face would shine or just simply blush whenever Terry gave him a compliment or even just looked at him was kind of thrilling really. It always seemed so honest, so natural on Ashley that Terry just couldn’t help but want to keep on seeing it. It made him feel, well loved in a way he hadn’t felt since he had left home.

There was that too. Each time he was with Ashley he felt relaxed and on edge at the same time. Part of him felt sad too because what he felt for Ashley he had once felt for his own brother. Okay not exactly the same but close enough. Each time he would come to meet Ashley he would invariably think about Paul and wonder how he was doing.

Paul had been a lot like Ashley back then. He always seemed so open and trusting of people when Terry knew differently. Home hadn’t been a basket of fun for the most part and his mother was one mean bitch if ever there was a bitch. She was cold and calculating and all that mattered to her was status. If she could figure out how to become Queen of the country she would do it, no matter the cost. That was her and there biological father was like a slave to her charms.

His father on the other hand was nothing more than a sadist wrapped up in a religious cloak. Everything was God’s will and transgressions were often dealt with by an hour of holy scriptures and then the belt. There never was any in between punishments. If he thought you had broken some obscure religious ruling you heard about for an hour while he played with the huge leather belt in his hands. Then it was off with the clothes and the summons for all in the house to come and witness the punishment as prescribed by God himself, or so he would intone.

It still made him shudder at times as if he could still feel those painful wallops that he was constantly receiving. Paul had more or less been able to escape many of them simply by never doing anything. Still he had gotten his share but somehow the two of them had managed to survive it. The cost maybe though had been too high and maybe they could have done something differently. What he didn’t really know. Even now years later he wasn’t certain what they could have done to avoid the life they had led but at least Paul had managed to get his education.

Sitting at the counter and watching Ashley moving around flipping burgers and all Terry wondered what he would say if he knew the truth about his Terry? Would he cringe and run away? Would he just stare and cry? What would Ashley do he wondered but even as he tried to guess he knew that he would never tell him. Least he hoped he wouldn’t but maybe he should? Maybe if he told Ashley the truth it would finally get through to him and end this hero worship nonsense?

Even as he thought about it he knew that he couldn’t do it. What surprised him though was that he was frightened that it would drive Ashley away. While his mind thought that would be for the best, part of him seemed to disagree. Hell if the other voices inside had there way he would tell Ashley hoping he’d stay and not leave. It really was all too confusing in some ways and yet in other ways it was comforting. He didn’t know how Ashley would take the truth but some small voice buried deep down inside seemed to know, not guess but actually know that Ashley wouldn’t run.

Still Terry knew he had taken a risk in getting the job for Ashley. He also couldn’t quite figure out why he had done it. Sure he didn’t want to see Ashley turn to looking for easy money on the streets but was that all of it? It bothered him too as to why it mattered so much. Sure you didn’t want to see other’s get into trouble but why go this far? Why go to the trouble of getting him this job but not tell him?

He knew that he could simply snap his fingers and he could have Ashley in bed and the idea of having sex with Ashley was more than just appealing. The guy certainly had the looks and body to match so why didn’t he? Why did it somehow matter to him that it be something special? Hell sex was his stock and trade, he knew he would please Ashley, so why the shying away from it?

Carl had told him he was in love but how could he have been then or for that matter now? Okay yes he liked to be around him but why? There was no quick answer. If he was to stop and think about it, which he did often it seemed, he could list lots of reasons. Trouble was he could list just as many reasons for not being in love or at least for not letting himself be in love. Yet he hadn’t run from him either. Maybe Carl was right, maybe he really was in love and just didn’t want to admit it?

Christ you would think that if you were in love you’d be wanting to jump into the sack every chance you could get, so why was he avoiding it? He had to be honest that it wasn’t easy to not suggest it. Hell the first night they met here and headed to the bar he had almost suggested skipping the bar and going back to his place. Yet he hadn’t and it puzzled him. Was he afraid of the sex or was it the attachment that it would mean?

He glanced upwards and his eyes locked in on Ashley’s face. The sudden jolt inside made him cough a bit as he struggled with the sudden feeling of loss that came rushing up to him. It was almost like he knew how he would feel if Ashley wasn’t there to stare back at him. He felt a cold bead of sweat break out on his forehead as the notion of not seeing Ashley roared inside of him. It shook him like nothing else ever really had before. The simple idea of not seeing Ashley became a torment in his very soul as he tried to smile. He could see it wasn’t working as Ashley’s eyes seemed to suddenly narrow and focus hard on his own face. In that instant he felt the soft touch of Ashley deep inside of his own soul.

It wasn’t like any of the other times either. At last all of his barriers were down and he felt Ashley’s love reaching for him without anything to deflect it. He wanted it and knew it just as he always had known it. Fantasy overtook reality as his mind grabbled with the unknown of a life with Ashley at his side. Could he perhaps finally have the answer to what the future would be for him? Did it really seem that simple? Was all it needed to happen was his putting aside all the fears and doubts and just simply trusting in someone other than himself?

There was no answer from his mind except he could see a life that wasn’t empty anymore. His mind was reeling as he thought about one day owning his own business where he and Ashley would spend the day, the night suddenly being spent not apart but together in a real home. Not some dingy apartment like he lived in or like Carl had but a real home.

The idea was small but it was growing quickly inside of his confused mind. He saw himself being a real owner of something other than just his body. He saw himself with Ashley being a part of a community, of actually being looked at not because they were queer or good looking but because they were successful in business. It seemed so unreal to him and yet there it was, suddenly consuming his thoughts and his mind. He had to admit that it was a thought that felt good too, unlike any other thoughts he ever had before.

Ashley looked different to him all of a sudden. He wasn’t just the kid that had a crush on him anymore. Inside he felt a warmth that he had always known was there for Ashley but not it seemed more like a bloody blast furnace than just a small glowing ember or two. He could feel his pulse quicken even more as he thought about how it would feel to just hold him next to his own body. The idea was giving him trouble as he could feel the physical reaction taking hold. He glanced away afraid that he would give it away and yet it was one of the hardest things he had ever done. His eyes didn’t want to move from staring at Ashley and even as he forced himself to, he could feel Ashley’s eyes still trying to hold him in their gaze. His heart ached from the change and he could almost feel the disappointment in Ashley at his movement away. Still he had to or he didn’t know what would happen.

He felt slightly dizzy as he quickly reached into his pocket, pushing aside the growing mound of his penis to reach for the crumbled bills inside. God he hadn’t realized just how excited he had become by simply thinking that he had a chance with Ashley. It scared him as he stood up and lifted his head up. Once more there he was, staring right back at him. It felt good and he could feel the throbbing sensation that ran through his whole lower body. God this was too much as he smiled and waved.

There was surprise in Ashley’s face at the small hand gesture and then Terry noticed a strange glint come into the blue eyes that seemed to always be glued on him. For a second he didn’t quite understand it then as he moved towards the cashier area he felt it. Ashley had somehow taken his aroused state into view and he blushed. It was a first for him really in many years to actually blush because of having a hard on. Yet he didn’t mind and actually felt, well rather happy about it.

As he left the small busy burger place he felt slightly cold and sad. It was like he already was missing Ashley and yet he knew that it would only be a few hours before they would see each other again. Somehow that just didn’t seem short enough. It was like he really did want to have what he had dreamed, that he really did want to be with him.

In some ways it was as if a dam had suddenly opened in his heart where his emotions were kept bottled up. Suddenly all sorts of interesting and strange ideas were coming to his mind as he walked away from the café. He had an appointment but he didn’t even think about it as all he could think about was Ashley and what it might be like to actually have someone to come home to.

Other thoughts were popping in and out of his mind as he walked towards the bus line. He had an appointment but he wasn’t thinking about that but about exploring a life away from dates and bars. He thought about Paul too and wondered how he could find him again. Was he happy? Was he in a job he liked? Would he welcome Ashley? All of these thoughts kept churning in his mind as he went thru the motions of keeping his appointment.

The ride to his date was filled with strange new ideas. He knew lots of people who could help one way or another and yet the idea of using them for that purpose wasn’t appealing. Somehow he knew in his heart that Ashley wouldn’t want it to happen that way. In some strange way neither did he. Funny because if someone had asked him that earlier he would have said ‘why not?’ but not now. Now all he could think of was how to do it in a way that Ashley would approve, like now that was his only concern.

He shuddered a little as he got off the bus near his date’s apartment. Funny way to be feeling he thought as he headed towards the block of tall buildings knowing that this might be one of his last dates for some time. It wasn’t like the idea hadn’t come to him before about changing careers but now it seemed, well more real. There was a strange glow inside that kept him warm and made him think that maybe, just maybe there was a chance.

Ringing the security code to Ken’s apartment made him think about Ashley. He wondered how he could be so confident in him, so accepting really of what he did. For himself he sure as hell wouldn’t be. It would piss him off no end to know that someone he loved or cared for was letting someone else touch all the goodies but somehow it didn’t seem to matter that much to Ashley, or did it? Was he maybe just hiding his feelings about it?

The idea that Ashley could do that didn’t seem to be plausible. The guy was like an open book really. It didn’t seem possible that he could hide his true feelings. Ashley was one of those who wore his emotions and feelings on his sleeve. You could see it in his eyes, in how his jaw set or how he held his body. No, he really was okay with what Terry did for some reason that was in itself puzzling.

Terry could see Ashley’s face before him. He saw the deep rich blue of them as he shivered a little from seeing them gazing at him. There was no mistaking the love that they held inside for him. His heart skipped several beats as Terry licked his lips wishing he could feel that love this very second. He felt the strange beat of his heart as he thought about what it would be like to press his own lips against Ashley’s thin pale one’s. His pulse raced faster as he thought how it would feel to just simply hold Ashley in his arms, smelling the scent of his shampoo or just his scent even. The pain in his groin went ignored as he thought about how exciting it would feel to just listen to Ashley’s heart beat next to his own.

The room was pitch dark and he wasn’t sure who’s breathing was louder, his or Ken’s? His whole body was still trembling a little and he knew that Ken was bathed in sweat. He just lay there with the thoughts still running rampant inside of his brain. It had been one of the more full filling dates in the sense that he knew Ken would be definitely giving him a generous tip, less satisfying for him in that it was all a mere fantasy that had somehow taken over.

His body ached in places he didn’t know it could ache in and yet all he could think about was Ashley. All he could imagine was would Ashley be breathing this hard too? It made him want to know, made him wish that this hadn’t been a date but had been Ashley. There also was a strong sense of disgust at himself for even letting himself think about Ashley that way. How could he suddenly be so consumed by him while doing business? It wasn’t like him to forget where he was but the deed was done. Would it make Ken expect this again?

As he thought about it he realized that he didn’t really care what Ken or anyone might expect. He knew that he didn’t want to do it anymore, at least not this way. He wanted to save this feeling for him and Ashley and it became clear to him in the darkness of the room that he had finally succumbed to Ashley’s love. He shivered as it came to him full force. He really did love him, he wanted that dream to be real and with that realization came the fear of being inadequate to the challenges it posed.

The nerves in his body still tingled from it all and even now, despite spewing his load twice into the condom he was still semi erect. Just thinking of doing it with Ashley was keeping him on the verge of wanting to do it again. But now his mind was once more feeling its way and he held back. His eyes were glazed but not from any drugs or alcohol. He was intoxicated by the idea of maybe tonight he would take the next step, the step that he had avoided for all of his life.

It felt exciting but also worrisome too. Would Ashley still want him afterwards? Would Ashley even care to be with him once he found out all there was to find out about Terry Jamison? Okay, he knew he turned tricks but did he understand it fully? What about the drag stuff? Would that turn him off or would he still care for him despite all of the flaws?

Terry ran his hand down his naked body. He felt the cooling sweat as his hand moved down his lithe body. His chest felt tight as he still struggled a bit for air but it was the touch of his hand that made his mind groan with more pleasure. Thoughts of Ashley continued to dance around in front of him as he felt the growing press of his cock once more. God he was like some animal in heat he thought and then he simply smiled in the darkness.

He felt the excitement returning to him as once more he wondered how it would feel if the hand running down his side wasn’t his but Ashley’s? He wondered what it would be like to be laying next to Ashley right this second and not Ken? His mind couldn’t grasp the constant rush of emotions that were sweeping thru it. He felt his body shudder once more as his body grew taut with the urgent desire to feel what he was thinking.

The fear was there too. He couldn’t deny that but his heart seemed to simply not care. His body concurred as he felt his penis stiffen a little more as the idea of Ashley touching his naked chest flashed thru his mind. The doubts of what it would lead to, of having Ashley as a boyfriend seemed to weigh on his mind but nothing else. His body just simply didn’t care and his heart merely pushed the doubts aside as if they were just so much junk mail coming to him. He quivered a little as the idea of skipping the bar grew inside but then again maybe not?

Maybe this time he’d simply go to the bar not to just see Ashley but to actually date him. To take him out and woo him and talk to him like he had never talked to him before. Maybe this time he could forget that he was a hustler and just be a normal person out on a real date. The thought became larger in his mind as he heard the body next to him exhale and he was suddenly brought back to the present.

Ken wasn’t exactly ugly or anything. Okay he was 55 and the hair was thinning a bit on top but the guy kept himself in pretty good shape for an accountant. He wasn’t exactly thin or fat. There was a bit of a love handle on him but he wasn’t totally out of shape though right now you’d think the guy had just run the Boston Marathon the way he was still puffing. Yet as much as he knew all that, he still suddenly felt a bit repulsed by Ken. It was a bizarre thought for him actually. Ken wasn’t a bad sort but it wasn’t that either, it was simply that somehow he suddenly felt dirty for doing what he had been doing for so long.

Terry had always taken the idea that all he was really doing was providing a service. He didn’t look at it as something dirty or obscene. Some guys just needed a physical release that for whatever reason they couldn’t find without money exchanging hands. He never really thought it made him a bad person though he was smart enough to know others did. Hell even the regulars at the bar had that holier than thou attitude towards him and others like him. Still they never stopped buying the drinks.

Man who are you?

Ken’s voice was weak and he had to lift himself up on his arms to turn and stare at the shadowy figure that lay next to him. For a second he wished it would be Ashley but then he came back to reality. In time he thought, in time it would be Ashley.

Huh? What do you…

I mean shit Terry, you are good but that was…  I mean I can’t ever…

You didn’t like it?

Like it? Fuck man I thought I had died and gone to heaven, not once but wow…

At first he hadn’t been sure what Ken was talking about but now he settled back into the mattress feeling rather pleased with himself. The thought that Ken maybe hadn’t enjoyed himself had given a momentary feeling of panic that now eased. Hell he was still glowing from it himself but as much as he knew his time hustling was maybe over, he still had a sense of pride about his work. Not many in his trade did, but he hated having people thinking he was a dead fuck or worse.

We aim to please.

Bullshit, that wasn’t just pleasing… I have never… I mean seriously, what the hell got into you tonight? Who is he?

Huh? Who is who?

Whoever it was you were thinking about.

I wasn’t…

Don’t shit me Terry, we been uh dating for what, four, five years now?

Something like that.

So I know you okay? So give, who the hell were you thinking about?

It wasn’t the question he had expected. He didn’t really think he had been that obvious about it but then Ken had been dating him for some time. Still he normally controlled himself enough to never let on if he was thinking about someone else or even if he was thinking. That was part of the trick of being good, you made the customer feel good by letting them think you only had thoughts about them. Many were smart enough to know better

No one… what makes you think I was thinking about someone? I never do that, you know that.

Uh huh, except for this time, come on, you holding out on me, I mean don’t get me wrong, I still am floating I think, and whoever he is I wouldn’t mind meeting him…

NO.. okay? Let’s just… I mean…

Whoa, sorry… look I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant that whoever he is, he’s sure gotten to you.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Bit defensive aren’t you? Christ… tell me it isn’t true?

Terry knew what Ken was driving at but he didn’t want to say it. He couldn’t explain why because he knew Ashley wanted him, called it love too but was it? Was it maybe nothing more than simple infatuation? At first he had thought so, but damn after tonight how could he still deny it? He had felt it but he didn’t want to admit it. It made him nervous and worse scared. Yet as much as he was frightened by it he knew it was what he wanted. Taking Ken’s head off or playing coy just wasn’t right.

What? Tell you what isn’t true?

Shit that is it.

What?

You’re fucking in love with someone… my God I’d never have believed it… you are, aren’t you?

You are crazy, you know me better than that. No emotional connections.

Uh huh, maybe but you have changed and it’s nice too, this is interesting.

Terry wasn’t sure where this was all leading to. He was confused because simply part of him was feeling kind of giddy and all puffed up by the fact that it was noticeable. Another part was worried that he was perhaps losing his control. He hated being out of control but yet he had to say, feeling this way did seem to have some benefit. Just how the hell did Ken see it though? Christ Carl had said it right off so maybe he wasn’t all that good at keeping himself a mystery to everyone?

I haven’t changed Ken, you are just, well having a case of senility or something. Did you take your geritol today?

Funny, but you are in love, I can fucking see just fine and that grin you are trying to hide says it all.

I am grinning at how you are still panting, nothing else.

Uh huh, that why your chest is still heaving up and down not to mention the fact that you still got a hard on? My God I have never seen you this way… you are in love.

Thank God the lights were off or else Ken would also see him blushing. Shit if this was what love did you then you could shove love he thought. Then again though it did feel nice to think that someone cared enough or that you cared for them so much that it made you this horny. Man would the real thing be like this? That kind of made him sit up a little and he felt the sudden fear reaching for him. It was puzzling because one thing he had never questioned was his ability to please someone sexually. Now all of a sudden he was having a panic attack about it. The anger he felt really wasn’t anger but fear.

Damn it Ken stop it. I am not.

What is so wrong in admitting it? Does he know?

Maybe its not what you think… maybe its not a he either.

Yeah and the Pope is Jewish, give me a break. It is a he and at least you admit there is someone.

I didn’t admit anything.

You ashamed of him?

NO! Damn it, you are starting to piss me off.

Maybe it’s a risk I’ll take Terry.

Christ this wasn’t what he wanted. One second he was floating on a cloud or something and now here he was trying to defend himself from being in love. Yet why? Ken was right so why was he so afraid to just admit it? What was it about being in love that seemed so wrong? God he was a fucking hustler for Christ’s sake so being in love was a sin for him? Or was it that he was afraid of what it meant if he actually did admit to it. Was he scared that by admitting he’d have to realize that his whole life had suddenly changed direction? Could it be that simple? Was he afraid?

Huh? Christ what the fuck has gotten into you? You never acted like a dick before.

Haha, you got into me boyoh, damn I have never felt so frigging alive as I did when you were ramming the hell out of my ass.

Ken, please, let’s just drop it okay?

Give me one good reason and maybe, come on Terry, shit after all this time you know I am not some asshole trick, least I’d hope you wouldn’t think that.

I don’t, it is just that, I mean its well…

Confusing?

Yeah

What’s so confusing? You found someone who pushes all the right buttons for you, what’s the big deal? I kind of think its about time but hey, I am an old fart so what do I know.

You aren’t that old.

Yeah right, I am 55 and still dating instead of uh, well, you know what I mean.

Uh huh, it is just, well… to be honest, I am kind of thinking of sort of, well of quitting.

He couldn’t believe he had uttered those words. He could feel the sudden coolness that came from the man laying next to him. Yet at the same time he realized that he meant it. He wanted Ashley and he wanted him in the way that made selling his ass impossible. How could he do someone else when all he really wanted was to be with Ashley? How could he turn tricks when his own body and mind were thinking of Ashley instead of business?

To be honest he knew his days as a hustler would be numbered but he hadn’t thought that it would be because of someone falling in love with him and him with them. He had always assumed it would simply because guys got tired of him or that his looks would simply vanish. But here he was suddenly in the twinkling of an eye deciding to simply end his career as a hustler. He didn’t even know if Ashley still wanted him or would after having sex. Christ he didn’t even know if he could please Ashley because, well because doing Ashley wasn’t about mechanics. The fear grew inside of him as he shifted on the bed a little, wondering how Ashley would take all this.

Oh.

I mean come on Ken, there are a lot out there, younger and hotter too.

Maybe, but not many that have your ability to please or your integrity Terry. But I think I understand.

Yeah? Wish you’d explain it to me then cause I sure as fuck don’t get it.

He loves you doesn’t he?

Yeah… he does.

Scary isn’t it?

That’s an understatement.

Think you aren’t good enough for him or something stupid like that?

Ken had never been stupid. He had also maybe a crush on him or did at one time so he was biased. Still Terry had to admit that it felt good to hear those words. Trouble was that being in love was scary. There was the whole thing about sex to ruin it. Then if you thought about how you were going to live in an increasingly expensive world that too could scare the crap out of anyone. What if he really wasn’t good enough? What if Ashley couldn’t handle his snoring or the way he ate his food? Hell what if he didn’t like how he dressed or did laundry? Being in love was a lot more complicated than simply saying ‘I Do’ or getting off on some hand action.

What about talking? What could he talk about with Ashley that would be interesting? It wasn’t like they had a lot in common that he knew of. So yeah it was pretty damn scary to think about and he might be good technically in bed, but what about other things? Was he a good listener?

Kind of.

You are wrong.

Oh? And just how do you know that?

I know you, oh sure you may think I don’t or that I only know a bit about you, but come on, after all this time I have a bit of an insight into what is Terry James.

So? Then you should know that I don’t make for good boyfriend material.

True, you don’t, but as a partner, as a life time friend and lover I think you’d be terrific if not outstanding.

How? I mean… what’s the difference? Boyfriend or lover, same thing.

No not really. Boyfriend is more like a fuck frenzy that soon wears out. That isn’t you, you aren’t a fly by night type, you want something that lasts and I think whoever this guy is, not only is he one lucky son of a bitch but I think he’s the same. He’s obviously done something I don’t think anyone else ever has.

Yeah? And what is that?

He’s got you believing in the future.

It was maybe a bit bizarre. Here he was naked in bed with another naked guy talking about loving someone else. It felt awkward and yet at the same time exciting. Ken was right, with Ashley he was thinking about a future that wasn’t bleak or meaningless. There was maybe more to it but deep down in his heart he knew he didn’t want to miss one day being with Ashley. That brief touch of love was like a sudden flame to the dry twigs inside of him. Everything seemed so different to him as he thought about things he had rarely even dreamed about. Now there they all were, staring him right in the face.

Shit.

Bathroom is that way.

Fuck off Ken, you know what I mean.

Yeah I do, wish I didn’t though.

How come?

Means that more than likely tonight was the last time for us, doesn’t it?

I didn’t… I mean… yeah guess so.

All that advice you asked me in the past, you ever do anything about it?

Terry could hear the sadness in Ken’s voice. Suddenly he realized exactly what he had just decided without really any pain. He’d miss Ken but not the sex with him or any of the others. All that mattered for him now was Ashley. Strange how one person could just show up and suddenly become your very reason for living. It frightened him more than he could fathom but he knew he wasn’t about to let this chance pass him by for another night.

Huh? Oh, yeah, when I could.

How much you got tucked away then?

A bit, not easy given my lifestyle but I don’t know, maybe enough.

How much?

I guess, well all together, maybe 6 or 7.

Thousand?

Uh huh.

See, I knew you were different. You planned for the future even though you maybe believed you’d not have one and now it seems like the future is a whole lot closer today than you ever imagined, doesn’t it?

I suppose.

You going to have a shower?

What time is it?

Quarter after 11

A quick one then I guess.

Meeting him are you?

Yeah at 12, he gets off then.

Can I give you a lift?

Uh… well..

I’ll just drop you off, you don’t have to even get off right at where ever it is you are meeting him, but it’ll save you some time.

Thanks, I’d like that.

Okay, go shower while I get dressed.

Thanks Ken..

Terry.. we’ll talk after you shower, I have something I want to propose.

Ken, please, this is hard enough as it is okay?

I know… this isn’t about… look, I like you, always have Terry. I just want to maybe see that you are okay, happy and well… as a friend okay?

Ken.. okay we’ll talk.

He had heard the hurt in Ken’s voice. For a moment he had assumed that Ken had some sexual business to propose and he was immediately on guard. Yet the way Ken had talked he knew he had been wrong. He couldn’t quite figure it out, leaving that for the moment.

All that he wanted was to hurry and get going. Somehow he knew that each time he was late was hard on Ashley. Knowing that seemed to matter to him and he never had felt this way before. Okay that wasn’t perhaps totally honest because it was how he used to feel about his brother. He was the only other person that had ever mattered. Now suddenly he had someone else that counted the same way.

As the hot water sprayed across his naked body he wondered briefly what Paul would say about Ashley? He wished he could find him and have him meet Ashley. He also wished he could talk with him to just find out if he was okay, if things had gone okay for him. He didn’t feel any anger at Paul for what had happened or how things had even turned out for him. It was his decision one that Paul had argued against actually but he knew, even today, that what he had done was the right thing to have done.

Putting his head under the shower he felt a strange sadness that Paul was not apart of his life anymore. Maybe he could try to find out but that would mean talking to her. Well, he had done worse he supposed and maybe it was time? Still would she even know? If she did would she tell him? He wasn’t sure but maybe he could find another way to ask her? Maybe he could get someone else to ask here for him?

The needle spray felt good against his flesh. He felt so alive and happy that for a minute or two he wondered if maybe this was all just a dream. Yet he knew it couldn’t be, because never had he ever dreamed of having someone like Ashley wanting him. He was even surprised at how much Ken seemed to be more of a friend than just some regular trick.

Stepping out of the shower he realized that he owed Ken for all his help over the years. The man had given him good advice on how to save money and in fact had pushed him to do so. Hell the guy had even bumped up his pay on the condition that Terry put the extra aside. Well now it was growing, and while it had been hard to put aside he realized he actually had a decent little savings.

He doubted if most guys his age even thought about that and Ken had been right on target. Somehow deep down Terry had believed in a future otherwise why had he listened to Ken? Why did he have money tucked away? Wasn’t like many in his field thought much about tomorrow though he was determined to never get thrown out for not paying his rent.

It wasn’t that he was super good or cautious either. He had promised Paul when he left that he would do everything he could to look after himself, to always have a roof over his head and food. Despite all the time that had passed it was the one thing that had kept him going. He knew that one day they would be together again and he didn’t want to ever have to tell Paul that he had not lived up to the promise. Paul had known that too which was probably why he had insisted on Terry making the promise.

Drying himself off he felt a bit sad and yet thrilled. He had done what he had promised Paul and he knew in his heart that Paul would be proud of him. More than that he knew that Paul would approve of Ashley. He couldn’t explain why but he just knew it. Maybe there was something to all that stuff about brothers.

Dressing quickly he felt like some teenager heading off for his first date. Well in a sense maybe it was exactly what he was doing. Only trouble was the date didn’t know it was going to be that. He smiled at his reflection and for the first time he felt rather pleased by his own reflection. He didn’t hate the face that stared back at him and as he ran his hand through his blond hair he felt rather happy. It was a strange feeling for him because this was a happiness he had never really experienced before. It made his whole body quiver a bit as he flicked off the light and stepped out into Ken’s hallway.

That was quick.

Yeah guess so, uh, can we head off?

Okay, let’s settle up for tonight first.

Uh, well I been thinking about that. Seeing as how it’s the last time and all, let’s say, well… let’s just say it was a goodbye and thank you night, okay?

No Terry… no I can’t do that.

Why not?

Because a deal is a deal, it’s the way we have always been, right?

Yeah sure, but Ken I mean…

I know, it wasn’t me you were doing, least not in your heart, which was okay. I got the benefit out of it so I should pay… anyhow, here… it’s the only cash I have, but… you can call it a tip, okay?

He was used to tips from Ken. At Christmas Ken always managed to slip an extra c note but as he stared at the bills in his hand he felt a lump in his throat. There had to be at least an extra 3 or 4 hundred dollars there. He couldn’t believe it and tears welled up in his eyes. This was so unexpected that he didn’t know what to say. All he could think of was how he could add it to his nest egg and how it would help both him and Ashley.

Ken really… shit man that’s way too much.

No, what you gave me tonight was well worth that and a whole lot more.

I won’t argue, much I guess. Shit Ken, this really is generous.

Uh huh, well come on, let’s head to the parking lot. There is one other thing.

What’s that?

Your last name, it isn’t James is it?

No.

What is it?

There still was a bit of the old Terry left and he looked for a minute deep into Ken’s face. He knew in his heart that this guy was more than just a date, more than just a trick. Somehow over the years Ken had become a friend to him. Dates with him had never been just about walking in and heading to the bedroom.

Sure at first they had but over time he would sit and talk with him, watch television even. When the business end was done he never rushed out either. He would usually shower and then sit around having some tea or soda or even a drink at times. Looking in Ken’s face he just knew that he couldn’t refuse him the truth anymore.

Jamison. Why?

Hang on.

Ken had gone back into the living room and Terry could hear him rustling some papers. He had no idea what Ken was up to but all that really mattered was that he was going to get a ride in to meet Ashley. He felt a bit apprehensive but quickly shoved the feeling down. If this was to be his last time with Ken then he wanted it to end well for them both. The noise suddenly stopped and there stood ken, a piece of paper in his hand that Terry automatically knew what it was.

Here.

Ken… shit… what the fuck is this?

It’s good… take it.

Fuck I can’t do that… this is… you can’t be serious man? Christ…

I am serious.

But… shit man that is a whole lot of money.

Not really. I figure that over the years I would have spent at least twice that if it wasn’t for you.

Huh?

I am not good at knowing people. The best move I ever made was sending you that drink. In all the years we have known each other, I think you have never once disappointed me. You always came thru even though some of those times you really weren’t into it, but you never let it hinder you. I appreciate that Terry, this is just, well it’s a way of me showing you that.

Christ Ken, this is too much. I mean okay the extra couple of hundred cash was one thing, but this… shit man this is a cheque for $4500… I can’t…

I wish it could be more.

Ken come on man, I can’t take this.

There aren’t any strings Terry. I mean it.

The shaking was slowly easing. He still couldn’t believe that Ken had just given him all that money. It was nice to know that he had been appreciated that much but it still felt a little unreal. His eyes were misted over but he could see the tears in Ken’s face too. The man really did care and now was showing it in a way that Terry had never expected.

He had always known that Ken had a sort of crush on him but he had never pushed it, never made it an issue. Now all of a sudden with him leaving he had come out and shown Terry just how much it really had meant to him. He didn’t know what else to do as he just leaned over and hugged the man tightly. It felt right and he could feel the surprise his actions had created

I know, but still…

Still nothing. You need a nest egg if you are going to try your hand at being a husband or you the bottom?

Fuck.. to be honest, I don’t know what he is, top or bottom, doesn’t really matter.

You haven’t? I mean really?

Yeah

Shit.

Unreal huh?

No, actually it fits.

I don’t…

Look, any ideas on what you plan to do now that you no longer are dating?

Haha, hell I don’t even know if he wants me full time, never mind what I am going to be doing.

Terry, he will want you, if he doesn’t then he’s a fool.

Ken come on… all these compliments are going to give me a swell head.

Yeah right, you are the most level headed guy I have met and I don’t mean 22 year old guys. Shit I deal with people twice your age or older who aren’t as focused as you are. Look, you know what I do, right?

Yeah

Then let me help you.

I don’t, I mean Ken all this, this is more help than I could ever ask for, really I don’t…

You will be looking to spend it on something, a business I would imagine, right?

Kind of, I suppose so.

Okay, then let me be your accountant. I don’t want to see you get into something that will… well you know what I mean.

I know, thanks but, shit man you charge more than I do…. Well did…

Haha, yeah but for you Terry, there never is a charge.

Before tonight he would have wondered what was Ken’s angle, but suddenly he was able to see Ken for someone else. He really wasn’t just a date but a friend. In his heart he didn’t question the sincerity of the offer. It felt good to know too that he had a professional who he could get advice from. Somehow he knew he would need it if he and Ashley were to succeed.

The thought of him and Ashley made him smile as he brushed aside the tears that were threatening to rush down his cheeks. He had never felt so happy as he did right now. There was some sadness but then he realized that just because he was no longer dating Ken didn’t mean he had to stop seeing him. Ashley might be uncomfortable at first but he’d soon get over it. It would be nice to just meet Ken some night and have coffee or a drink or two.

I can’t, shit Ken you are going to make me bawl my eyes in a second or two.

I may beat you to it, shit, I know this is all a bit much but I am serious. Not because of just tonight though I gotta say, you have a hell of a way of saying goodbye, but well, I have always enjoyed our uh, our arrangement. Please, let me do this? When you become successful at whatever it is you are going to do, then you can start paying my outrageous fees, okay? Deal?

Yeah, okay… deal and… Ken, thanks.

Yeah well, see? Told you I’d start before you… damn 55 and I feel like a kid leaving home or something.

Uh huh, well I ain’t far behind you… Ken.. I know that… look I know we can’t go back to what we did, but we can be friends right? I mean maybe we can just meet for coffee or something?

I’d like that, but you don’t…

Somehow he knew he had to say it. He had to make Ken realize that maybe in the past he hadn’t really shown it, but he had thought of Ken as more than just a date. It never had really sunk in to him before now, but he had enjoyed being with Ken. In some ways maybe Ken was more like a father figure that Terry had never had or something like that but right now, he just knew that he had to let him know.

I know I don’t have to, besides I think it’d be fun. Besides how else are you going to meet Ashley?

That’s his name? Ashley? Nice name.

Yes it is and I want him to meet you. I don’t have a lot of friends, it’d be nice. Deal?

Deal… thanks.

They were at the door to leave but Terry stopped and then turned around to look into Ken’s face. He saw the tear stains and knew more would more than likely come but he felt at ease with him. He knew that Ken seriously did care for him. He reached out and touched Ken’s hand. He saw him look down at Terry’s hand on his and then as he lifted his face, Terry reached over and kissed him lightly on the lips.

 

 

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