Hate Leads to Hidden Lifestyles

Chapter 6

Every now and then the waves would rock the wooden platform and he’d search for the boat that caused it. They always seemed so far off and yet all he did was just stare out at them, raised slightly on his elbows to peer out. It been like that since he first swam out to this, the farthest swimming platform he could find. Even now he wasn’t quite sure why he had come this far. It wasn’t like he really was all that good at swimming but he thought he’d burn off the nervousness that seemed to be gnawing at his insides.

The day hadn’t really started well either. The pounding on his apartment door so early combined with one more restless sleep didn’t help much. The fact that it was the building super coming to yell only capped it off. Long & short of it was that he now had to move once more. Funny, it wasn’t really like he didn’t make enough money to pay just that he had as usual let his party behaviour get in the way of taking care of business.

Actually that really wasn’t the truth and he stared out at the wide blue ocean that glittered and shimmered before him. Being honest was not something he relished but he knew himself too well, one more reason to have maybe ignored that doctor’s advice, but he hadn’t. Now he was faced once more with the truth. He was always prompt at the beginning and made doubly sure he always had money to pay rent until life got what he called comfortable.

Always, when he was at a place he generally kept to himself at first. Then as the tips came in, the friendships grew he began to party harder. It was his way of avoiding the intimacy that somehow he had a love hate relationship for. He was smart enough to know that but it didn’t stop him from doing it every single time he felt he was getting to close. Now with Carl and others showing something he hadn’t expected he had once more put himself into the soup. He simply hadn’t paid the rent, even though this time the money was in the bank.

The combination of not drinking or going out and keeping to himself had worked for the whole week, but he had instinctively failed to pay the rent. Now he was out on his ass, well, not fully. The super had given him till next week to find a place in return for a half months rent in cash. He knew that the cash would never find its way to the building owners but he really didn’t care. Besides the place had nothing to hold him but some bare walls and a closet full of clothes.

What was eating at him was this time he didn’t just want to suddenly be gone. This time he didn’t really want to simply move on without telling anyone. He felt strange in knowing that he genuinely would miss Carl and the others at the bar. Hell he’d even miss Terry and some of the other more regular customers for themselves and not for the tips they gave him. Still he had left himself little choices. It wouldn’t be easy to find a place close by to the bar and he really had no one he could seriously move in with or get help from.

Okay that maybe wasn’t exactly true either. Carl probably could help him find a place. Still here he was, his day off and all he could think of was to suddenly come down to the ocean and go swimming. It wasn’t like he really liked swimming just that being out in the water helped him think. He liked the solitude that the water seemed to give him. He had come here, swimming out farther than maybe what was safe or practical even just to let his mind wander.

Deep down inside he knew why he had come this far but the sun was so bright, so filled with life that he couldn’t even admit to the notion that swirled around inside of him. He hated feeling this way, hated the constant thoughts that seemed to always come to him at times like this. He needed a drink he thought and yet he knew that that was just another excuse. He didn’t need the drink he just wanted to stop tormenting himself, just wanted to stop thinking.

Once more his eyes rested on the wide expanse of ocean that shimmered all around the gently bopping platform. It would be so easy he thought but then what? The fear of the unknown still held sufficient sway to keep him from moving. His eyes grew dim as he tried to wonder what tomorrow would bring him. He was tired really of the sleepless nights and the constant thoughts. It was like a sentence of unusual cruelty that held no end in sight. At least being drunk eased that, at least it gave him some opportunity to not think.

There was no mistaking the warmth of the sun as it continued to beat down on him and the others all around him but at the same time, he felt chilled. His eyes could see the various boats that passed by, even the odd person who would take a moment or two to gaze at the lonely figure on the swimming platform, but no one ever stopped. There had been one boat that came closer than the rest and the two people aboard had stared down at him. For a second or two he thought that older one would stop or hail him but he hadn’t.

The boat was a nice one, had some fine lines he thought as it had passed by him under sail. There was no motor churning behind and he had seen the taller man pointing and instructing the younger one. For a second or two he wished he had that, had someone who would point for him, instruct him on what to do. The loneliness ached for several minutes as he had just sat there watching the boat sail off towards the far off horizon.

In a way he felt like it was his life, always going away but never getting anywhere. The pain of who he was continued to eat at him inside as he tried to figure out what to do, or even if he should do anything. Maybe it would be best if he just simply packed the stuff he had up and took a bus to somewhere. Maybe this time LA or some place else. Hell maybe he could try the northwest even or cross up into Canada but thinking about that seemed to only make the pain grow stronger. It was like his body ached for something but ached more if he thought about leaving.

Strange how he could sit here, late afternoon and all and still be wondering about stuff like the schooner passing him by. Still thinking about how he actually had hoped the guy would have called out to him even though he didn’t even know him or recognize the boat either. After all he had been coming down here for a bit, still some of those times had been after some pretty heavy drinking.

His mind kept going off on a tangent as he tried to decide if he’d even be able to make it back to shore. The fear of not wasn’t quite so painful as it once was which scared him too. He had always known that lately his black moods were winning out, that eventually they’d win out too but something kept him going, what he just wasn’t sure of. Death was so odd to think about while on a platform with a beaming sun yet it kept cropping up. It was almost as if the nightmares had come to haunt him even in the broad daylight. He hated that part of being sober the most. The pain never seemed to go away and yet he still wondered if somewhere out there was the right one?

Course for him he had always assumed that the right one would be a girl but lately, working at Rich’s he had began to wonder if that would be true. So far he had never had any sexual relations with another guy. The idea repulsed him mostly unless he was totally drunk. Then his fancy did turn a bit towards someone like Terry or that new kid that seemed stuck on Terry.

In a sense he felt envy for Terry. He had the looks, managed to control his drinking and partying and more than that, he seemed to have a life. He didn’t freak by the friendships he had developed even if most were business related. Still he also could see the sadness in Terry especially lately. The new kid, Ashley had certainly brought out more of that in Terry though he doubted if Ashley ever noticed it. God to be that young and so obviously in love was nice to see on the one hand, sad on the other.

He could tell that Terry was feeling the pressure of it. There was no denying how he wanted to simply let himself go, to be a part of what Ashley seemed to be offering, but he could see that Terry was staying true to himself. They had even talked about it last night at the bar briefly and he could just hear the pain in Terry’s voice as he told him that it would only be too painful for them both if he fell for Ashley. He had to admire Terry’s resolve but he could see in his eyes that he had already fallen for Ashley.

Just the way he acted around the guy, the way he had kept the wolves away when they had been at the bar. It was touching to see and each time that he saw it, he felt a twinge inside, wishing someone would do that for him & yet knowing it would only lead to heartache & grief for all. Yet being alone hadn’t worked out for him so far either and he wondered if it had for Terry? There was something to be said about having real friends and if he had been willing he knew of a few who would have willingly been his. Still the idea of having to share who he was with someone scared him more than the potential benefits. After all he did know who he was and he didn’t much care for that person.

Rob brought his legs up to sit cross legged and lean up to stare back out at the ocean. His eyes felt heavy as he stared out at the various powerboats and sailboats that plied back and forth. His mind wondered how it felt to be with someone, to be sharing just being together? It wasn’t something he could relate to, not something that had every happened as far as his memory could recall. Still it looked so enticing and yet frightening.

The effects of not eating since the evening before were starting to work on him as he sat there musing about what to do. The rumbling in his stomach also made him wonder if maybe that had been his plan all along? Could he really have come this far knowing that he’d not have the strength to swim back? Perhaps, but he still could try and hail some passing boat but as the day wore on he hadn’t done anything about that.

Sitting there, the noise of an empty stomach echoing in his ears he realized that once more he was taking the easy route out. He had deliberately sat here doing nothing, letting boat after boat go by without even an effort to hail it. Now the ocean looked almost empty. The sun was still beating down but it no longer rested directly overhead. The day cruisers were all gone for the most part and yet he felt no real panic.

In some ways he was used to this feeling though he felt a bit uneasy lately by it. Life wasn’t what he had hoped but was it for anyone? He really wondered about the people he met in the bars, wondering what their particular stories were. Yet he never really had made any effort to find out except now. Now he had and that was what was maybe adding to his feeling of loneliness.

Carls intervention and close eye on him since had made him feel irritated and yet also rather pleased. No one had ever gone that far for him before. To find out that someone like Carl could care enough to risk a fight, to risk more perhaps intrigued him as well as confused him. He had always thought there would be an ulterior motive, yet so far none had surfaced. To find out that Terry had also been involved had shaken him too. He never really thought Terry noticed but since that intervention, he had seen how closely Terry did indeed notice things.

It was like a light had gone off over his head but he was still unsure what it was showing him. There was a lot of turmoil inside, a lot of doubts. Still Carl had taken the trouble and Terry had helped force it too, which was why he didn’t feel quite so calm about being stuck out here. Maybe there was hope but if so, it certainly wasn’t coming from where he had expected it. After all he was straight and they were queer, so it couldn’t be about sex, so why had they bothered?

That was what had brought him here and Rob realized he was once more back to square one. What had kept him up most of the night and made him come here was still there, still waiting for him to find the answers. A small tear trickled down his face which he angrily wiped away. He couldn’t let himself think back to then, no matter how much the voice inside wished it. For most of his life he had kept that voice stilled, kept it buried deep down by the drugs and the booze but he was sober now. The voice always seemed stronger then but he couldn’t quiet it now. There was no Vodka handy, no line of cocaine or other narcotic around for him to use to still that insistent voice.

The pain in his stomach didn’t ease up either as the voice was growing louder and louder. Rob hated the voice and he tried to muscle it quiet by the insistence of his mind but he wasn’t strong enough. The images of what once was began to play in front of him as he sat there, staring into the red beating sun, wishing it would all just end, just simply go away. His feet were numb and his hands hung down at his side in absolute dejection as he tried to will shut the voice, failing as he knew he would.

The sounds of the water lapping up against the platform took on new meaning to him. They no longer were soothing as he could almost hear the real sounds. He flinched as a new wave came to lap up against the wood. The soothing sound replaced by the harsh sound of flesh on flesh. He cringed as the sounds began to take over and his eyes grew dimmer and his head began to throb. The sudden spray of water on his face only brought back the feeling of spittle being spewed over him from an angry tirade.

It all was crashing in on him as he began to shake. The pain grew more intense as he doubled over a bit, grasping at the pain in his belly as if that would help. He knew the real pain lay in his heart as he once more heard those sounds, the harsh smack of flesh on flesh. His body grew cold despite the sun as the images began to flash before him and all he could think of was that  it would never end. That he was doomed to this torment unless life ended but he didn’t have the strength or courage. The shrieking voice that seemed to make him cower even more grew more strident as he sat there, reliving for the umpteenth time one more episode of what was his life, of what had made him seek the solace of a bottle at the age of 12.

Just as he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, just as the notion of trying to stand up and going over the side was growing more insistent the voice took on a strange new lilt to it. His heart stopped for a second and then the frightening beat eased a little. His mind no longer felt like darkness had enveloped it as the voice no longer seemed to be threatening or menacing. His body shook as he struggled to try and make it out when the light once more came to him.

Before him stood the large looming hulk of a boat with the sun glinting off the brass rails. The sails were gradually being drawn in and he could see the rays of the setting sun still beaming through them, adding a sort of mystical quality to the canvas. His mind was confused as he saw a figure looking over the rail at him with something cupped to his face. Then it registered on him as he knew that the voice was no longer the one that tormented him for so long. It belonged to the person on the boat that was slowly easing in towards the platform.

Are you okay?

At last the words made sense to him and his heart seemed to slow down, no longer beating at a frantic pace. His legs were still numb and his lips felt a bit swollen from the day’s heat and lack of water. Strange that he thought as he tried to wave to the man who now towered over him. Here he was surrounded by water and he was thirsty. It was bizarre really as he saw the figure disappear. A smaller one had taken his place and he was a bit puzzled at how the person could just shrink like that.

Everything seemed to be a bit clouded as he tried to blink, to figure out what was happening to him. He knew he was out on a platform and that it was getting late. Inside he knew that he should be heading back before the sun was gone and he tried to move, yet felt like his legs had been nailed to the platform. The voices swirled around him as he tried to answer but he didn’t know what to say. Everything seemed so strange as he just sat there, feeling useless which didn’t really surprise him.

The shortened figure above him seemed to suddenly toss something towards him and he wondered what it was. His eyes narrowed as they attempted to focus on the long white snake that seemed to be flying towards him. His arms were immobile as he saw it go past him and then he felt the motion of the platform. It had changed and he didn’t even notice as once more he tried to focus on the boat and figure. Maybe he could get a lift back to shore he thought as tried to move, but the pain held him fast.

Now there was a voice next to him and he felt strangely uneasy. His head tried to turn but something was holding it firm and then he felt the tip of something cool on his lips. It was wet too as he heard the voice softly speaking to him in some strange language. Maybe they were Mexican he thought but the words didn’t sound Spanish. He let the force tilt his head back a bit and he could see the object tilting up by his lips. The taste of cool liquid on his swollen tongue made him gag a second then it all felt fine. The rush of liquid felt so relaxing that he thought maybe he could just lay back a bit more and try to get some sleep but something was stopping him.

The taste of the water seemed to be making him less sleepy as more trickled down his parched throat. He felt the press of something on his back as his eyes finally began to focus on more than the shape of the boat next to him. He coughed a little and feeling was returning to his limbs as he felt the offshore breeze blowing across him. His legs throbbed and the pain made him curse a little which brought a sound that startled him.

His head finally was able to turn as he realized that he hadn’t been dreaming. There really was a boat next to the platform. More than that there was someone holding him upright. His body felt like shit as he pushed himself up, the press of the person behind him became clear. Actually it was the mans leg that was behind him and he could now see who it was. Instantly he recognized the figure from the boat that had gone past him earlier in the morning, the one he wished had stopped.

Uh… thanks…

Take it slow bud, you gotta take it slow.

Yeah, thanks.. uh… shit I…

Don’t try to talk right now, just relax and get your bearings, it’ll be okay.

Rob just nodded as he stared at the face before him. There was a bit of fuzz around the jaw line and up by the ears but no real shadow. He could see the hair was a bit matted as if it had been dried by the wind instead of a hair dryer. The face was soft and worried looking which gave him a start. To think a perfect stranger could care was strange in itself, to think that he cared about him was even more strange. His heart suddenly grew calm though as he felt the blood once more flowing slowly into his limbs. God they hurt he thought and he winced a bit.

The man next to him seemed to notice and reached out to gently begin to rub the dark tanned flesh of his legs. He saw him gently rub the arms and all while keeping him upright by the presence of his leg. It felt strange to have some guy rubbing his arms and then reaching across to massage his legs but he just sat there, letting it go on as more and more blood coursed back into the legs and arms.

That helping?

Huh, oh yeah, sorry… I uh…

It’s okay, try to move them a bit.

Shit, sorry they hurt but I can feel em.

Think you can stand?

I don’t know…

Okay, well hang on, here, have a bit more, easy on it though.

Thanks.

The cool water helped and he felt the life returning to him as he tried to figure out what had happened. He had merely been sitting on the platform so how did he miss seeing the boat come up? His head ached a bit as he felt the twinge in his legs draw. Damn it hurt he though as he bent down, his head growing bit feint but he hung on to rub his own legs. They felt hot to his touch too and he glanced up to see the sun still glowing off in the distance. In that second he realized that it had to be quite late in the evening.

What time is it?

About half past seven I think

Christ.

Yeah… you think you can stand now?

I’ll try.

Okay well hang on to me, here I’ll give you a hand.

The pain was horrible but it was already easing by the time he managed to get to his feet thanks to the stranger next to him. The guy certainly was more powerful than he looked. The way he had simply held him without even flinching while balancing him as well. It felt a bit weird but even the dizziness was finally easing a bit as he stared over at the boat.

Man I am glad you came by.

Yeah, caught you out of the corner of my eye as we were heading in.

Thanks, uh? Sorry, guess I am still a bit out of it.

Name is Paul, Paul Jamison.

Hi Paul, Rob Mathews… man I am glad you saw me, but how? I mean…

Tobias

Who?

Oh, sorry, there was a dolphin making a ruckus and I turned to look and saw you hunched over, so we changed tack and headed over.

A dolphin? I didn’t see any dolphin.

He was gyrating around behind there.

So uh, who is Tobias?

The dolphin. I know its daft, but well, I’ll explain it once we get you on the boat, if you want.

Want? Yeah… Tobias? Dolphin? Yeah I wanna hear this one.

Haha, okay, sounds like you are feeling better, okay come on let’s get you aboard.

Climbing aboard the heaving schooner was no easy task and he was glad that there were strong hands both below him and above him. The force of the figure behind him was something else as the man called Paul pushed while someone much younger pulled. Finally he had made it over the rail to lay flat on the warm deck of the schooner. His eyes stared up at the mast and he looked over to see the bare feet of the two who had rescued him.

It was strange to realize that he had been out there so long and had been drifting off. For the life of him he couldn’t recall falling asleep or whatever it was that had happened to him. Hell he hadn’t seen the boat come up and sure as hell hadn’t seen or heard any dolphin. Man it was weird to hear a guy giving a name to some wild fish.

Gradually they moved away from the swimming platform. Paul had helped him up by the huge wheel where he sat down and rested. The other kid had appeared with another bottle of water for him and then had gone to make sail under Paul’s directions. Rob watched the way the kid would keep looking back at Paul and he wondered if Paul was his father.

As he slowly regained his senses he also began to realize that Paul wasn’t related to the kid.  They didn’t seem to share any real similarities though there was something vaguely familiar about Paul that troubled Rob. He couldn’t put his finger on it either but it was almost as if he knew him but not with the name of Paul. Maybe he was a customer from the bar but then he would have recognized him. No he couldn’t be and yet the feeling of knowing Paul wouldn’t go away.

Sitting behind and watching Rob couldn’t help but feel a strange thrill at the man who had rescued him. He was tall, maybe a shade over 6 feet but he was solid too. There didn’t seem to be any fat on his lean body but he could see the muscles flex as he turned the huge wheel that guided the boat. His hair was obviously growing out too and for a moment or two Rob wondered if this was some military type on leave. Yet the way he handled the boat and spoke he doubted it. The guy didn’t have that ‘forces’ look to him.

Finally with the sails on the boy came back and stood by Paul. Rob watched how he just seemed to stare at Paul and this time he recognized that look. It wasn’t the look a son had for a parent or anything like that. In some way it was more of a look of worship for a hero or something. It felt kind of weird to watch and the way the boy’s eyes lit up when Paul had him take the wheel was nothing short of spectacular. It was like a whole 4th of July fireworks display all contained in two small orbs.

Rob saw how the man watched the sails and took in how the boy was holding her on course. He had seen that look before, that all encompassing look that seemed at first glance to be impassive but which on closer inspection was quite deep. He couldn’t understand why the guy seemed so familiar or his mannerisms seemed to be reminding him of someone familiar. It felt weird as finally the man was satisfied and came back to kneel down before Rob.

How you managing? Need some more water?

No, fine thanks.

Okay, hungry?

Yeah but it can wait till we get to shore I think.

Well, your stomach doesn’t seem to agree.

Haha, yeah guess it has been awhile. I can wait.

Don’t mean to pry but kind of dumb to have gone out that far without eating or taking a water bottle with you.

Yeah, guess I wasn’t thinking too clearly when I set out.

Well, I got some chicken and salad fixings, you are welcome to have some if you want.

No really, that’s nice of you to offer, hell you’ve done enough. I’ll manage till I find a place to grab a burger or something.

Hell that’s no good, look its no problem, chicken is already cooked, give you a chance to get more strength back before you head back. Uh, you feeling cold or anything?

Huh? Oh, no not really, I’ll be okay.

Yeah right, hang tight.

Rob watched as the man stood back up and stopped briefly to check on the course and see how the boy was doing. Then he simply disappeared down into the hatch. He wondered what his story was and just who was the boy was. Just by staring at his back he could tell that the kid was torn between keeping his eye on the course and wanting to stare down the hatch. It felt kind of sappy to be watching and yet he couldn’t help but wish that someone would look at him like that once in awhile.

Paul wasn’t gone too long and when he came up he had a blanket and large sweater with him. He quickly tossed the sweater over to Rob, telling him to put it on while he lay the blanket across Rob’s legs.

He felt a strange flush as he stared up into Paul’s eyes. They were so blue and comforting that he felt safe. They just looked at each other for maybe a second or even two, but it felt like they understood each other. In some ways he thought he could feel a similar black cloud inside of Paul. It felt weird to stare into his eyes that way yet even as he did he couldn’t get it out of his head that Paul looked familiar. The thought simply wouldn’t go away though the wild thoughts had somehow been pushed aside.

Just sitting back feeling the boat move to the water’s swell made him feel sleepy and comforted. The way he saw the concern in Paul’s face helped the mood along. In some ways he knew he was a romantic and the crazy thought that he was falling for a guy almost made him laugh. God if the customers at the bar ever thought they could stand a chance getting into his pants he’d have no peace but sure would have a fair amount of money in the bank.

He had to be going crazy to think that way. For starters as much as Paul was good looking he didn’t feel like sex was something that could ever happen between him and another guy. Secondly he had no idea if Paul swung that way or not so why the fuck was he even thinking of it? Christ all the guy did was show him some kindness.

Okay maybe it was a bit more than that. If Paul hadn’t come along would he have dared to swim back? Shit he had already been fried by the sun or he wouldn’t have noticed the boat coming. He sure as hell would have noticed a chattering dolphin. So maybe it wasn’t that Paul had been kind but that if he was honest, Paul had saved his ass. That would perhaps be why he was thinking like a sap.

Rob felt a chill in his bones and he could feel the shaking of his body as he realized just how close he had actually come to death. Sure he had thought about it for as long as he could remember, but to actually have come that close was totally different. His pulse was racing a bit as he stared out to the wide expanse of the empty ocean. The chills grew a bit more intense.

Here, its not much but it’ll help a bit.

The voice startled him a bit as he swung his face back up towards the source of the voice. Once more that eerie feeling of knowing Paul came to him as he saw the outstretched hand. He could see the slight mist of steam from it and knew it was heated up. Christ he must still be off in a daze because he hadn’t even noticed that Paul had gone down to the galley. His hand reached up out of the blanket to take the offered plate of food.

Thanks, uh guess I could do with some food.

Well it isn’t much, but its warm so that should help. Got some coffee happening too, but we’ll be nearing the mooring so when we tie up I’ll get you a cup.

Really uh, that isn’t necessary.

No problem, besides bit of a nip in the air. Might rain later I think.

Huh? You think?

Judging by those clouds over there, yeah could rain a bit.

His eyes had moved upwards to stare at the darkening sky and he wondered what it was that Paul did? Was he that experienced of a seamen that he could tell just by looking at the clouds? The radio hadn’t said anything about rain for later, least not that he recalled. Still he was impressed at the simple way Paul had spoken.

Paul had moved away to let him eat in peace but Rob couldn’t help but keep one eye out watching. The way Paul seemed to move so effortlessly around the boat made him marvel. He seemed to know by instinct where every bolt or jagged edge was without looking.  He seemed different when he was moving around the boat or dealing with it. In talking he seemed a bit hesitant if not plain unsure but when it came to the boat he seemed filled with nothing but certainty. It was kind of puzzling actually.

They were slowly moving inwards as Rob stared and listened to the soft but firm commands that Paul was giving to Manny. The way he moved among the mass of rigging and ropes was awe inspiring actually as he twisted this and yanked on that while giving course corrections to Manny at the wheel. It really looked like utter chaos and yet didn’t. He just sat there knowing he’d only be in the way if he moved but it made him feel a bit guilty at not helping.

His mouth was open a bit and even Manny seemed amazed at how gracefully Paul was able to direct the boat into its moorings. The simple easy way he hoisted the ropes and pushed and pulled the jibs and such along with his quick firm commands allowed the boat to gently tap up against the rubber tires on the dock. Manny simply stood there with his knuckles showing white as Paul jumped down and singled up the lines to the bullock. Rob saw the eyes wide open with wonder as the boat just seemed to suddenly rest without any muss or fuss and more impressively without any use of the engine.

Just as suddenly as their final little tap came, Paul was back on board slapping Manny on the shoulder, telling him what a great job he did. Rob felt strangely pleased at that. There was no doubt that Paul had done it all and yet he took the time to give Manny some of the credit. You could almost touch the boy’s pride and pleasure as he mumbled under his breath. No wonder the kid seemed to worship Paul, the guy was a real class act. For some odd reason Rob felt rather proud of that as well as oddly enough a bit jealous.

He shook his head to try and clear the cobwebs a bit more unsure why he was thinking like that. How could he feel such pleasure and also be jealous? It made little sense to him but then nothing that had happened so far today made much sense to him. Part of him felt thankful that he was back, yet the dark voices within seemed to feel cheated. There was a cold chill still in his bones but Rob knew it wasn’t from the weather. His legs trembled a bit as Manny glanced at him and then leapt off the boat to head up the dock towards home.

Feeling better?

Paul’s voice brought him back out of his observer mode. He nodded as he gradually managed to lift himself up to stare out at the few ships nestled in their own berths. He still couldn’t quite believe all that happened but part of it was beginning to penetrate his mind. The fear of what could have been was pushing at him as he tried to think.

How about that coffee now?

Uh, well, okay if you are sure its not a hassle.

No hassle, could use a cup myself after a day out.

Okay, sure I am not keeping you though? I mean, don’t you have to get home or something?

Haha, this is my home. Other than work this is it.

Just the way Paul had said it made Rob look at him. There was a sadness in his voice that he couldn’t quite put his finger on but it struck a chord inside. Somehow he felt a kinship to this stranger which surprised him. Normally he would have been on the dock long before the kid even, yet here he was, accepting coffee and kind of glad for it too.

Really? I mean, sorry, just didn’t think about that. Must be nice, living on a boat like this.

Well it has everything I need.  How was the chicken? Want a bit more?

It was good, haven’t had cooking like that in ages, uh you do it yourself, the chicken that is?

Yep, my little brother was better at cooking but I do okay, sure you don’t  want more? Got lots and it’ll more than likely get tossed. Kind of made a bit too much, so…

Well, maybe a bit then. You going to have some?

Yeah, feeling bit hungry now I guess, uh I don’t have anything to drink but juice, that okay? There is a store half block away if you’d rather have something stronger…

NO uh, no thanks. Juice is fine.

The short loud no had surprised Paul and he felt a bit apprehensive for a split second. It quickly passed as he shrugged his shoulders and elected not to pursue it. Besides he really didn’t know why but he thought he already knew the reason. The signs were all there if you one merely looked closely enough.

Okay well, won’t be long, we can sit up forward if you like or if you are feeling cold we could go below, just that it’s a bit, well a housekeeper I am not and well, being out for the day and all…

Up forward is fine. Kind of enjoying the fresh air.

Great, won’t be long then.

This was totally crazy he thought as he turned the small primus stove up to heat up more chicken and get the coffee happening. It was stupid to be feeling so what? He shook his head as he tried to figure out just what was it that he was feeling? Was he attracted to this stranger or was it simply that he was actually lonely?  He shook his head angrily at those thoughts. Paul had kept to himself for most of his life and now here he was, letting himself think about people.

He still didn’t quite know how he had gotten involved with Manny, but there it was. It was nice and yet strange to have some kid who followed his every move with a sense of worship in the eyes but it was also frightening. What if he screwed up? He could harm the kid for life. Now here he was picking up strangers off swimming platforms.

Okay that was maybe a bit different. The guy obviously looked like he was in trouble, but then he had wanted to stop earlier so was it just that? Christ he was getting all mysterious even to his own mind. He shivered a bit as he realized that he had deliberately set out to return past the platform, part of him wondering if the stranger from the morning would still be there or not. The other part of him feeling a sense of guilt at thinking that way about some stranger. Sure he didn’t have to return that way, in fact it was rather a round about way to get back.

Manny had remarked on that as well but it didn’t seem to phase him. Strange how Manny had suddenly become important to Paul, not in some perverted way but it was like a small dam beginning to open up. It scared him because every time he had felt something like this he had always found a way to pull back. Yet with Manny he found himself fighting that urge, almost like he really wanted the companionship of the boy.

Everything was happening so fast for him these days. Work had been more than he had thought in a good sense. He had been assigned one assistant who couldn’t wait to leave work which suited Paul fine. He hated the type who thought they needed to be buddy buddy with the guy in charge. That too was a nice feeling for someone his age.  

So if everything was going better than he had hoped, why the fuck was he feeling so skittish? Why did it seem like there was something missing all of a sudden? This is how he had been ever since Terry had left home, nothing really was different except he was older and more set in his routine. So why now did he feel like the routine he had worked so hard to perfect was not what he wanted? Why did he want Manny around? Why did he even care if this Rob guy stayed or not?

Rob moved forward out of the steering cockpit and walked tenderly forward. His balance was still a little off and he hung tightly onto the railings. The dizziness had left him and the pain in his limbs told him that the blood was finally returning there. He ached all over and yet in some ways it was a relief. He felt a sense of panic at what had almost happened which made him feel nervous.

How could have been so stupid as to swim all that way out and not bring someone with him? He knew better or thought he had. Was he really that far gone that he was now acting out his nightmares? Was he that close? Part of his mind wanted to explore the thought while the rest of him wanted to run as far as possible from that. A few drinks would help him achieve the latter but he knew he couldn’t do that. Didn’t stop him from wanting it but the idea of drinking to drown it out was not an option.

Strange, before starting work at Rich’s he wouldn’t give a shit what anyone thought. Yet each time he had wanted to just sit back with a bottle of Vodka and get shit faced he could see Carl’s face float in front of him. Hell he could even hear the disappointment that would be in his voice if he had done it and so the urges passed.  How in the hell could what a queer think of him matter but somehow inside, it did. It surprised him almost as much as his one week of sobriety was surprising him.

His eyes wandered outwards. Rob stared out at the wide expanse of ocean that peeked inwards from the around the breakwater. He could see the water starting to shimmer in the coming darkness and felt a strange sense of peace coming over him. For whatever reason he felt comforted by the water that lay stretched out in front of him. The fear of what had almost happened seemed to quietly dissipate within as he began to think about Paul and the guys back at the bar.

Maybe it really was time for him to stop running he thought. Perhaps with guys like Carl and Terry in his corner he could get past all the crap that he kept bottled up inside? Strange to even be thinking like that. He’d have to find a place but as long as it was near a bus line he figured he could manage. Might have to take some time to find and maybe Carl would let him crash though he did have that Ashley kid still there.

It struck as him as odd really. Here he was thinking about a bunch of fags as if they were special to him. He was straight or maybe that was the problem that had nagged at him for so long? Could he be as bent as they were? Was that why he had always been running so much? Shit every girl he had met he had always found a way to piss her off. The sex was good but never great. Could he be one of them? Was that the answer to the pounding in his head?

He shook his head a little knowing that he was 100% straight. It was a lack of booze and the fear of what had almost happened that had him thinking this way. Carl and Terry were just nice guys and it didn’t mean that he was queer like them because he thought that. No he couldn’t be that way because well, guys had never really turned him on. Okay, maybe in some odd way they did but not like some hot babe did. Christ put a good looking guy and girl in front of him and the girl would be the one getting his dick hard, not the guy.

Fuck maybe the sun had really done a number on his mind. To be sitting here on some guy’s boat thinking if he was queer or not. Maybe he was just thinking too much instead of just, well just doing what he felt. Maybe he should move on but the notion didn’t feel right. It was just all too confusing really.

Here we go, sorry it took so long… you okay?

Paul’s voice startled him a bit and he jumped a bit as he turned his face to see the man standing near him, a tray between his hands.

Huh? Oh sorry, thanks, smells good… yeah I am fine, just thinking about work and stuff.

Work? You supposed to be at work are you?

No, not tonight, tomorrow though.

You work nights?

Yeah

What do you do? For work I mean.

Wait tables, at a local bar Rich’s, you heard of it?

He didn’t know exactly why he had said the bar’s name. Perhaps he was trying to see in his own way if Paul knew it. If he did then maybe he’d put to rest that nagging feeling that he knew this guy. Still it was a risk too, what if the guy was one of those anti fag types?

No, only got here a week or so.

That all?

Yeah, just moved down here, got a job offer I couldn’t refuse. So this bar, nice place?

How could he have just moved here? It wasn’t like he didn’t believe him just that the more the guy talked the more he felt like he knew him. It irked him too because he prided himself on his memory. After all you couldn’t be a good waiter and not remember the regulars or drink orders.

In his mind he knew he didn’t know the guy but inside, deep down it was almost as if they did know each other. He felt strangely comfortable with Paul. It wasn’t like how he felt around Carl either. There was something different about it that made him speak before he even realized what he was saying.

It’s okay if you are into that scene. Has music and dance floor which isn’t all that big. Still for a gay bar its okay I guess. I mean it’s the first one I have uh worked at…

It’s a gay bar?

Rob felt a bit of panic as he realized what he had said and yet at the same time he didn’t feel threatened. He had no idea why he blurted it out. Maybe he wanted to shock this guy or maybe it was his way of trying to push him, to see what he would say or do? His heart beat a bit faster as he tried not to stare but he couldn’t help it. He felt like he needed to see all of Paul’s reactions. Funny thing was that Paul didn’t seem to show much of a surprise. His eyes had opened a bit wider but they didn’t move from looking at Rob’s face. It confused him a bit. There wasn’t a passing look of disgust or a sudden licking of the lips. In short it seemed like it didn’t really register or matter to Paul.

Yeah… not that I am… gay that is. I like girls but…

Paul was certain that his heart would explode from the sudden pounding. Worse he was certain that Rob could hear it frantically beating. He didn’t know what to make of it either. Was this some hustler out to score some extra cash or was it a test from work? Could this guy have been a plant but then reason took hold. No way could it be a planned attempt to trap him.

He hated this feeling really. It was just one more reason why he avoided people. You just never knew what their real motives were in doing or saying things. Yet Rob didn’t seem like that type but then why did he mention the gay bar? Why did he say he was into girls not guys? Was he maybe thinking Paul was gay?

Really? I mean… how does that work?

What?

Well working at a gay bar and not being gay?

Rob breathed a bit easier as Paul spoke. He didn’t know why he had blurted that out or why he had even mentioned that Rich’s was a gay bar. Was he trying to push Paul away or was he trying to convince himself? It had scared him for a minute but the lack of any noticeable change in Paul had calmed him for the moment. Still, you would have thought he would have reacted differently. Not all that often some stranger just blurts that stuff out.

Okay, tips are better for starters, less complicated too actually, no boyfriends thinking you hitting on their girlfriends which happens a lot at the other bars. So no, it works out okay.

I’d thought it’d be more so, don’t they uh, I mean doesn’t it make them tip less or do they not know? You being straight that is.

Most know, it is just, well I guess they all like to dream a bit, ya know, the hope that maybe the straight boy will turn or something like that.

It really wasn’t what Rob said that made Paul open his eyes a bit wider. Nor was it the words that made his heart skip a beat or a few beads of sweat pop up on his forehead. It was the tone really, the dejection and sadness in it that made Paul wonder what the real story was.

I suppose, guess we all have our dreams at times. So, uh, why you telling me this? I don’t mind, don’t get me wrong, but…

I dunno… guess it’s well, damn but do I know you?

Huh? No… unless you been in Seattle or Florida . Why?

No, haven’t been there yet. It is just, well you look familiar, like I should know you or something.

Guess I just have a common face.

No, not really. I am sorry, didn’t mean to be an ass, just that well, only people I know are from bars, so I just kind of assumed…

That I was one of your customers from that gay bar?

He had no idea where this conversation was going. God he must be out of it because he was asking for a punch in the mouth with the way he kept bringing up the gay thing. Did he really think Paul was that way? There was no way for him to tell yet he found his hand holding the blanket around him a bit tighter. Still, despite the obvious when he worked the bar, he felt a bit disappointed actually. It surprised him but he hadn’t caught Paul checking him out once. Even straight guys normally did that, but this was so different. It also was bugging him that he even felt disappointed. He was straight so why did it matter to him?

Yeah I suppose, just that, well it keeps nagging at me.

That’s okay, well if it makes you feel any better I am asexual.

Huh?

Asexual.

What uh, sorry that’s a new one.

Means simply that I enjoy solitary sex, that I prefer not having any company. Never was one for relationships or casual encounters either.

I am missing this… what uh.. how can you…

I don’t have sex, I just jerk off when I need to. Christ I can’t believe I just said that.

Part of him wanted to laugh and yet another part of him felt sad. Looking at Paul he saw a strange figure that held his interest. He had never really thought much about guys he had come across. Shit he hadn’t thought much about the girls either other than if they were hot or not. Yet looking at Paul was somehow different.

Sure he had that nagging feeling but it went beyond that too. Part of him wanted to simply hang with the guy as if that would ever happen. The idea of it though was pleasing. The knowledge it couldn’t happen was depressing. It was just all too bizarre and yet he couldn’t just get up and leave. He thought about it but something was holding him still. Some inner voice kept him sitting there, looking and waiting.

Oh, I get it now. How come? I mean you look like you could have pretty much anyone you wanted…

Even straight boys who work in gay bars?

For one second fear flashed through his entire body. His eyes narrowed just for that second and he could tell that Paul noticed it. It was how Paul looked after seeing it that made his heart suddenly stop racing forward.

No… well… shit… no guess not everyone then.

He couldn’t believe he had said it and yet Rob hadn’t bolted. Oh he had seen the anger flash across his face but it was the fear that he saw that hurt more than anything else. Paul realized that he had been stupid but was also thankful that for whatever reason Rob didn’t just take a dive off the boat. It was weird how that made him feel good even though he had been stupid.

Sorry, that wasn’t very nice of me was it? I just, I guess I am not comfortable discussing sex and yet, I go blurt out that stuff.

That’s okay, heard lot worse…

I can imagine, bars aren’t my scene really, hell neither are people for that matter. I guess you’d say I was a loner… I uh, I didn’t mean to sound like I was coming on to you.

Rob could tell that it mattered to Paul that he believe him. Still he knew it was true but why did it not make him feel better? It was as if he wished that Paul had come on to him, but why? What was it about this guy that held him here? Why did he even care if the guy liked him?

I know… I kind of asked for that anyhow, still, I mean you are attractive for a guy, so, how come?

You think so? Hmmm, never really thought about that much. I guess I just, well… never really felt the desire or need.

You’ve never? I mean…

The part that was really starting to eat at him was that what Rob was telling him was like listening to Terry years ago. Terry always kidded him that he could get anyone he wanted back then, yet he never really tried to put it to the test. Maybe part of it was that what he wanted he knew he couldn’t have or maybe he just didn’t want all that came with making that decision? Whatever the reason it was strange to listen to some stranger telling him he was good looking.

Oh I have, just that it never was satisfying if you know what I mean.

Boy do I ever. Still though, don’t you find it hard to uh, to not take people up on it? I mean you have the looks, obviously you can afford to go out, so…

What makes you say that?

Well this boat for starters, I mean either your parents are awfully well off or you are… and…

Yeah I suppose it does look like that, but I prefer to work or go sailing. Guess I am what they call anti social or something.

What do you do? Shit, I am being rather nosey.

It’s okay, for some reason I don’t mind. I am a marine biologist, I am working on studying dolphins which is what interests me. I find them, well… interesting. Besides, your secrets are safe, not like there is any risk here, I don’t go into bars so its okay.

You mean gay bars?

He knew that Rob was pushing it for some reason but he didn’t feel angry or annoyed even. That in itself surprised him a bit because normally he’d have asked anyone else to leave at best. Other than when he used to sit with Terry on the swimming platform or at night, he never talked about what interested him or what he thought about. He just never could get comfortable with others but Rob was different.

I mean bars, all kinds. Just don’t go for drinking, not that I have anything against it, just doesn’t interest me.

But dolphins do?

Yeah, they do.

And you give them names?

Haha, yeah I do, least some. Tobias now, well he’s a special one.

Oh? From work?

No, no he picked me up at Seattle and so far, well he’s stuck around. Had one in Florida too, its quite well, don’t want to bore you plus you already must think I am strange as it is. No sense in adding to that.

No, not really. Okay yeah in a way but not in a scary sense.

Thanks, I think.

He felt a small shiver run down his spine. Rob realized that somehow what he thought of Paul mattered to the guy. It was an awesome feeling to have. Dredging back into the archives of his memory he couldn’t think of anyone who ever cared what he thought about them. As scary as it felt, there was this weird fuzzy feeling that seemed to make it all feel okay.

Sorry.

That’s okay, I don’t normally talk about this stuff. Like I said, I am not a people person.

Neither am I actually.

Oh? I would have thought you’d have to be to get good tips?

No, you just have to be a good actor. I guess in a way its not nice, but I don’t know, not like I can do much else.

There it was again. That sad lilting tone that somehow made Paul’s heart ache with pain. He couldn’t figure out what was going on but he knew that he didn’t like hearing Rob feeling that way.

Never finished school?

Nah, left long before that. Me and school just never clicked really.

Sounds like my brother, he never enjoyed school but only because I think he was so smart. He got bored and wanted more but they just never, well… let’s just say he had his way and they theirs and they won in the end I guess.

For just one moment he actually thought Paul thought he was too smart for school. It was a twist that no one had ever mentioned to him before. Okay the guy was talking about his brother still it was like he was implying that it might be true for him as well. It felt kind of nice that instead of thinking of him as some dope or loser the guy actually thought he might have a brain cell or two.

You guess?

Yeah, haven’t seen him in a long time, too long I suppose. Kind of miss him, we were pretty close when we were kids.

That sucks, but in a way I am glad I don’t have any brothers or sisters. Makes all this easier in some ways.

Paul smiled a thin little one. He could tell that Rob wanted to ask what had happened. If he did he knew he would tell him but he was thankful that he didn’t ask. It hurt still and it wasn’t Terry’s fault but his own cowardly behaviour that had allowed it. He still hated himself for that and he let his eyes look away, afraid of what they might impart to Rob’s own look.

Yeah, no one to disappoint or hurt.

How… I mean yeah, is that… I mean…

No, he never disappointed me or hurt me either, other way around I think… no… I know.

I am sorry.

Paul turned back to look at Rob. He could see a strange glint in the guy’s eyes that made his heart flip a little. He felt his pulse beat a tad faster and he knew that Rob really did mean it. How or why didn’t seem to matter, just that someone really did feel for him. Maybe one day he could get that back from the only person that counted, his brother.

Funny, but I think you mean that.

He really did mean it too. It shook him a little that somehow or other it did matter to him if Paul was happy or not. He couldn’t explain it or maybe he was just too afraid to accept the reason that kept coming to him. It scared him too but still he didn’t flinch or move. All he could do was stare fully into Paul’s face, speaking from his heart for maybe the first time in his adult life.

I do.

Silence seemed to just descend on them both at that moment. Paul felt slightly dizzy as he tried to figure out what was happening. He could tell that Rob felt the same uncertainty, the same confusion. It was weird but satisfying in a way that only made him miss Terry even more. God if only he could just talk to him maybe he could figure this all out.

Rob felt the silence like a huge weight had suddenly been dropped on his shoulders. He knew the answers were there but he was still too frightened to accept them. His heart was beating quickly as he too looked away from the other man. But it didn’t last and he finally found himself needing to turn back to stare into Paul’s eyes. As his head turned he could feel Paul’s decision to look as well.

Strange… I don’t even know you and yet here we are, spilling our guts to each other like we are best of friends.  Has to be one for the books I suppose.

I’d say it was the booze but unless you spiked the food or juice with some weird drug, we are both sober… so yeah, it is kind of weird. Hell, not kind of, definitely is weird.. uh… maybe it’s because, well… I haven’t thanked you yet.

Thanked me?

I think, no, I know that you saved my ass today. I don’t think I would have made it back.

Oh you would have hailed some passing boat.

No, I was out of it, kind of, well… I don’t know maybe but I kind of doubt it, you did save my ass.

Kind of stupid to go so far out alone.

The soft rebuke was like being hit over the head. He really wanted Paul to like him. His stupidity had lessened him in Paul’s eyes or so he thought but then he looked back into Paul’s face. He could see that Paul really didn’t think of him as being stupid, and it made all the difference in the world to him.

I know

Want to tell me why?

I would if I knew… seriously.. I just don’t know why I did it. Stupid huh?

Can’t say, I don’t know, things that bad?

Bad? No… not really, its just that… well I got baggage, like who doesn’t but… I guess I just need to find better ways to deal with it all… maybe that is why I did it…

Sounds more like you were running away from whatever it is.

It wasn’t a question but a statement of fact. In some odd way Rob knew that Paul would understand. Yet his mind still refused to let him say it out loud. It was irrational and dumb but he didn’t want to scare Paul off. For whatever reason Rob realized that he needed Paul in his life. It made no sense. It was crazy even but deep down he knew it mattered.

It does, doesn’t it? I suppose so… shit this is weird.

Huh?

I don’t know you but here I am spilling my guts to you. I never do that… ask anyone who knows me.

It’s just the after effects. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, remember I don’t go to bars.

Haha, yeah, still I can’t help but feel like I’ve seen you before. Man that is so, so…

Freaky?

Kind of.

Well I would have remembered if I had seen you before, sorry can’t help in that one.

It was like a compliment from a God or something. To think that a smart guy like Paul would remember seeing him or meeting him. No one ever really talked to him like this before, not even Carl. It felt so different, so frightening too. He didn’t want the evening to end but he also felt scared of where this might lead.

I believe you, it is probably like you said, bit too much sun I guess.

Either that or we knew each other in another life…

Haha, yeah way back in ancient times huh?

Something like that I suppose…

You buy into that?

Me? No… not really, possible I suppose but then I guess there being a God is possible too, I just don’t quite believe though, you?

Sort of…

You believe in that? Reincarnation and having past lives?

No, not really, not sure I even believe in God either… never had much for religion but sometimes, well I figure there has to be something.

I suppose.

Well, I better start motoring… long walk back to the apartment. Uh, saying thanks is kind of well, lame but… thanks Paul.

You live far from here?

Bit, over by the bar near Balboa Park .

Paul knew that he didn’t want Rob to leave. He also knew he didn’t want to sleep with him either despite the fact that there was something about him that was eating at his heart. He had never enjoyed talking with another human as much as he did with Rob. Well not quite true, only his talks with Terry had ever made him feel this way and yet this was different than that. His heart was roaring in his ears as he tried to figure out what to do next.

He didn’t want to sound like some bar fly either. Yet he didn’t want to see Rob leave or worse, leave and not have anyway of finding him again. For whatever reason it was, Paul felt like he wanted to know more about Rob.

I can uh, give you a lift if you want, or, well, I have an extra sleeping bag down below… you can sack there and I’ll take the cockpit…

You have done enough, walking is okay.

Well it’s a bit cold out and well… you only got them board shorts on.

True, I don’t know… you sure its okay to sack here? I mean… uh…

Yeah its okay, the hatch locks if that’s what has you worried.

Rob simply stared at Paul for a minute or two. Part of him said he should thank the guy and leave in a hurry. Another part told him to stay and tell him not to worry about the lock. God he must be sun stroked or something to think that way. The idea of some guy laying next to him had always made him feel bit nauseous yet the idea of that guy being Paul suddenly felt palatable. His head ached and to be truthful, he didn’t think he could manage the walk home.

No, not really but, okay if you are sure you don’t mind?

I am sure… I have to be at work in the morning, I can give you a ride into town then if you want?

That would be super, you sure? Fuck I sound like a broken record but, well I mean I am sort of used to having to walk home and...

No problem, wouldn’t offer if it was.

Okay, thanks.

Paul stared up at the darkened sky overhead. His mind wandered a little as he gazed upwards looking at the few stars he could see. The lights from the city were interfering and under normal circumstances he would simply weigh anchor and head off to sea. Trouble was this wasn’t normal. Rob was down below sleeping and that in itself was strange. The other part was that he was happy he was there.

The sound of the hatch being locked had been a bit hard to take but he fully understood it. After all what did he know about Rob or Rob about him? If he had been in Rob’s position he would have bolted the hatchway door as well. Still he had felt a bit sad on hearing that sound of the bolt being slid across and into the lock.

Everything about the evening kept running through his mind as he rested up against the back of the steering cockpit. He had made up the bunk with a sleeping bag and then had laid his own up here. There was a lot going thru his mind as he had said goodnight to Rob. Now he could think about it but all he could think of was how happy it made him feel to have Rob below decks.

His eyes moved away from the constellations above and stared out at the breakwater and the ocean beyond. He could see the water glimmering from the stars and lights. It all looked so peaceful and so gorgeous that he wished he could just be out there now. His eyes moved along the water and there off in the distance he could hear the faint chatter and he knew that Tobias wasn’t all that far away. With that reassurance, he closed his eyes and began to dream of something other than work.

 

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