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Chapter 5   

He couldn’t help himself from staring over towards where Terry was standing. It was almost as if his eyes were being drawn towards him and yet Terry had his back to him. Strange how looking at him only made him want him more. Maybe he really was just being a love sick teenager but he couldn’t help it. He really felt something for this guy. His problem was that he just wasn’t sure if it was love like he had read about or was it more some stupid hormone thing.

The whole night he had done nothing but dream about this, about meeting and being with Terry and now that he was actually here, he felt like he was blowing it. The way Terry had suddenly gotten up and went to talk to the tall bouncer made him wonder if maybe Terry was asking the guy to toss him out of the place. Shit it could be that after all he had more or less told Terry that he had been stalking him. Well okay not really stalking but he had sold himself to get information on him. That certainly didn’t seem to go over very well but what else could he have done? Jason knew Terry and Ashley wanted to know him. It seemed like the only way and while he felt kind of cheap and dirty, he really didn’t regret it. Least all he did was let the guy suck him off. Maybe Terry wouldn’t let it bug him too much after all he did that stuff for a living.

Sitting there, watching the way Terry tilted his head a bit or the way his longish hair seemed to just flow as he talked only made the ache in his body grow more intense. He shifted in the chair and wondered what it would be like to actually be naked with Terry. Would he be able to please him or would he be nothing more than some rookie? There was so much he wanted to know and yet he felt frightened about it all. Sex was something he had only fantasized about and while he had seen a few porn flicks, he really hadn’t a clue as to what to do. Getting his dick sucked hadn’t exactly been like he had imagined.

Sure, thinking about Terry had helped keep his dick erect and all but what would he do when it was actually Terry? Hell would Terry even want to have sex with him?  Man he must crazy to be thinking about this shit when more than likely he was about to be tossed out of the bar on his ass. How stupid could he be to think that someone as hot as Terry would even take a second look at him let alone want him? He shook his head as he looked away, afraid that any second now that tall giant at the door would be heading over to politely but firmly ask him to leave.

Maybe he shouldn’t have rushed this? Maybe he should have gone and looked for a place to stay tonight and then maybe gotten settled with a job or something? Least then he’d have something to offer and who knows, maybe with a bit of cash he could have made a pitch that Terry might have accepted? The pain in his stomach was making him uncomfortable and once more he shifted in the chair trying not to look over at Terry but failing. His eyes felt heavy as he saw both Terry and the door guy looking towards him. Sweat was starting to drip from his forehead and he felt like he was about to lose the one chance he would have.

His stomach growled from being empty and his mouth felt like it had swallowed a shit load of cotton. Despite all that he still wished he could have thought of something better than blurting out that he was chasing Terry. God he must be laughing at him right now or worse, was telling that door guy everything which most likely meant it would get around to everyone at the bar. Granted the place wasn’t totally packed but each time he glanced around and saw someone looking his way he felt like they knew. It was stupid and irrational but then so was his unexplained need to find and get to know Terry. Something had either broken inside him or else he really was just a crazed loony like his step mother had said.

Thing was he didn’t feel like he was crazy or nuts. Something inside had told him that he needed Terry to be who he wanted to be. Only real problem was his stupid mind didn’t seem to know what it was that he was. Okay he knew he was gay, had known that for some time actually but what did that mean? Did it mean that he was somehow a bad person? Did it mean that somehow he was doomed to hell like the preacher had said back home? His mind seemed to think so but even that wasn’t for certain. He just wished there was an easy answer to this and as he thought about it, his eyes once more glanced over to Terry.

Just seeing his body there made him know that whatever he wanted to know was to be found there in that strange boy that had stolen his heart. He just knew inside that all his questions could be answered by Terry but why he knew that he didn’t know, he just knew. Maybe it was like he had just known he was queer. It wasn’t like he woke up one morning and decided to want guys but his step mother didn’t buy that. His father seemed to consider it but then something had changed with him too. He wasn’t the same man he used to be when his real mother had been alive. Then he wasn’t afraid to laugh or to speak his mind either. God how he used to laugh but ever since his real mom had died his father had never laughed, not once. It was like a part of him had died and Ashley could understand that. He too had felt that way but surely you didn’t just sit back and wait for death to claim you too, or did you?

A small tear came to his eye as he recalled his father’s words before he finally left. Strange but he hadn’t thought much about it except now. He had left with his duffle bag and was sitting out front of the café, waiting for the Greyhound to come when his father suddenly appeared. They hadn’t spoken much after his step brothers had found his magazines or after his step mother had cursed him and called him all sorts of names. He still could hear her shrill voice and it only made him shiver as he sat there.

His father had simply shown up and sat down next to him on the worn wooden bench. His face looked strained and Ashley could see the puffiness under his eyes, just as they had been for a long time after his mother had died. He knew his father had been crying but rarely did it show like it did then. They had sat there silently for what seemed like hours but was really just a few minutes before his father had finally turned to look at him.

This gay thing, you never said anything.

Didn’t know how I suppose, maybe I should have, but…

Yeah… guess I haven’t been much of a father lately.

You’ve done your best, it isn’t your fault I am what I am, I mean… not that I think its bad like… well…

I don’t know Ashley, I wish I did, hell son, you know if your mother was here you wouldn’t be sitting here, either would I for that matter.

I know.

I wish she hadn’t died.

Me too.

He remembered how the silence had felt. It had been like they were both lost thinking about her, wishing for something different and yet knowing that nothing would change what was. She was gone and with her their lives had become empty and sad. It was a strange silence because he felt his father’s love then, felt it around him and inside too and yet they hadn’t said much to each other. It sort of felt like they really weren’t two different people saying goodbye, but more like, well like they were one and he was falling away, not leaving. Strange how eerie it had felt then and still did.

I know son, but it is different with me, she was my life, without her, well… I guess I am not much of a man without her.

Dad don’t, okay? This is hard enough, please…

Ashley you are my boy, I don’t want you to go.

I can’t stay, not with her there, I am sorry dad, I wish… but…

I know. It is just that, well… with you gone I don’t know if I can keep going.

Dad…

Ashley, one day you’ll find someone you love as much as your mother and I loved each other, then you’ll maybe understand all this better. Until then, all I can say is that I love you, your mother loved you too.

I know that dad… I don’t blame you, you needed someone, I can understand that.

That is what I told myself too, only thing was Ashley I was wrong. When you are blessed to find that perfect one, like I was with your mother, when they go you can’t up and find another. Some maybe but I don’t know. Don’t seem possible really. Now you leaving, well, that pretty well is all I had left.

Dad you are scaring me, I don’t want to go and leave you like this. Please, don’t make this any harder than it is. I just can’t stay, not with her and those brats, besides I need to get out, to find my own perfect person. Can’t you at least try to understand?

Ashley the thing is I do understand. I just want to, well, to tell you that in my heart I know I should make Betty go, but I am just not strong enough. I lost all that when your mother died. I am sorry son, I have failed you.

No, no you haven’t dad. Please… I love you, always will, can’t that be enough for now?

It is, more than you know. Son, you know how things are with the farm and all…

I know, it’s okay Dad.

No, listen, your mother had saved up some money, I never had the nerve to touch it, still don’t and well, Betty doesn’t know about it either. I want you to have it, so I made arrangements with Tom over at the bank. Here, this is a bank book and it is yours. When you get to where you going, you can have a local bank transfer this. It isn’t much, but it’s something, I wish it was more but…

Dad I can’t… you need it, the farm is…

The farm is not your concern, it is mine. Now you listen Ashley Parker, your mother loved you, she would be right pissed at me if I didn’t do this. Now, well now I can at least rest easy knowing that it is going to you. I can’t save the farm, but at least I can still help you some. So take it.

Dad.

The bus is coming, look, I love you, I haven’t told you that too often lately and this gay stuff, well Betty says you are doomed to go to hell, and the preacher, well he goes along with that too, but you were born out of love son, your mother and I, we were like one. I know you are a good person, I know it as sure as I know that your mother loved me and loved you. So I don’t care what the preacher or Betty or anyone else says. You are a good boy, I love you and always will, one day, when it is your time, your mother and I will be there waiting for you, believe that Ashley… believe it with all your heart because God isn’t evil, he didn’t give me your mother and you just to see you go to hell, hear me Ashley?

I hear you dad.

Good, I know we never talked about this, that’s my fault, and no, don’t go making excuses for me. I failed you and your mother, but I love you both. I should have listened to my heart instead of my head, if I had maybe I wouldn’t have been so stupid with Betty and would have seen her for what she is, but I didn’t, so you listen up son before its too late. You listen to your heart, your mother always did, she was right, so you take your cue from her, not me, okay?

Okay.

Swear it Ashley, swear it on your mother’s memory.

I swear it dad.

Thank God… good luck son.

Dad…

His father didn’t say anything more as he stood up and looked down at him as the huge bus came to the curb and hissed to a stop. He had felt the tears trickling down his face as he watched his father leave and he knew in his heart that his father was crying just as he was then. Once more he felt the pain in his chest and wished that one of them had been strong enough to stop the other. Maybe he should have stayed or maybe his father should have forbidden him to go, but it hadn’t happened and now here he was, wondering if someone else would soon be telling him to hit the road, like his step mother had.

Weird how he could be here, sitting in a gay bar and think about that. It was almost as if his dad’s spirit had come to him and he wondered if he was okay? He didn’t like the way he had sounded and on the way here he had pushed it all aside, worrying instead of what his own future would be. Suddenly he felt homesick but he was smart enough to know that what he was missing could never be found again. His mother’s death had seen to that and for a second or two he was angry at God for taking her even though he knew it wasn’t HIS fault. Still who did he have to be pissed at? His father had looked so beaten as he had left him at the bust stop. Ashley could feel his heart ache for the pain his father was feeling as he recalled the image of an old man hunched over walking away. It was like looking at his grandpa who had died long ago.

The pain inside was tearing at him and he felt the tears starting to roll down his face. Maybe he could call home to see how his dad was but what if she answered or worse,  one of his step brothers? Would they make fun of him and hang up or would they get his dad? He didn’t know and wasn’t sure really if he could handle hearing their voices right now. His body shook a little as he prayed silently for God to take care of his father. The sound of a voice near his ear startled him and he looked up to stare into a thin face. The guy was kind of angry looking actually but there was something about him that made him look closer. If he didn’t know any better he’d swear that the guy had the same look he had last seen in his father’s face, a look of despair and hopelessness. It shook him as he tried to recover and find out what the guy wanted.

Sorry, what did you say?

Shit another ditzy blond stud to deal with. Christ weren’t there enough dumb blonds around tonight? Rob’s head ached from the pounding as he tried to keep his cool but he knew it was going to be very long night for him as he grew more impatient with this new one. Somehow he just knew the guy wasn’t a tipper either which sucked. Tonight’s tips so far had been pitiful and he wasn’t even sure if he’d get his minimum that way things were going.

Asked if you wanted a drink or not.

Oh, uh, yeah, uh two rum and cokes please.

Two? Thirsty are you?

Huh? Oh, no one is for uh, one is for Terry.

Fuck just what he needed but then again, as much as he couldn’t figure out why a guy who had the looks like Terry did would dress up as some broad he knew that when Terry was in the joint some of the old guys usually would try to send him a drink or two. That was always good for a few extra bucks so maybe things were gonna pick up.

Terry? He here?

Uh yeah, he’s ah, he’s by the door there.

Oh, right, forgot, okay two it is.

Thanks

Huh?

Uh, thank you.

Christ this one must be fresh from the farm or something. No one ever thanked him for taking an order, well almost no one. He had to say that Terry was an exception to that one. Well maybe things would pick up after all.

Oh… your welcome.

He watched the waiter leave and stop at other tables on his way back to the bar. Funny how skinny the guy looked and yet he couldn’t help but think about how sad he seemed. Maybe it was the night for it or something but he kind of felt that way himself. Still he couldn’t help but feel that at least he had a chance as that bouncer hadn’t shown up yet to throw him out and Terry was still talking to him. Maybe he was guessing wrong and maybe that bouncer was just a friend or something, still it was kind of weird how Terry had just upped and left to go talk to him.

Ashley turned away from watching the waiter to once more seek out Terry at the front. His heart almost stopped as he couldn’t find him for a second but then he spotted him walking past a few tables on his way back. The bouncer was back at his post it seemed so maybe there was still a chance for him? He licked his lips as he watched the way Terry walked and felt the growing ache in his groin become more intense as he just stared. God he was so handsome and so graceful in how he moved. It was like watching him glide really and that smile on his face, Christ it was a heart stopper he thought. He wished deep down inside that Terry would always smile and that maybe, if he was given the chance, that he could be part of the reasons for making him smile. It would be nice to do that, if only he could.

=

Terry could feel Ashley’s eyes on him as he stood there waiting for Carl. It felt kind of strange really and he still didn’t understand why he had even invited him for a drink let alone the other strange thoughts that seemed to be invading his mind. Either he was really losing it tonight or there was something else happening that he really didn’t want to think about.

Okay he had to admit that the idea of some hot looking rookie like Ashley falling for him was enticing, and that this guy was basically still a virgin was stimulating. Trouble was he had been around long enough to know just what kind of trouble being a first could be. Hell he had his fill of that crap a few times and it was always never worth the trouble. Still Ashley did appear to be different than the few others but was he?

His whole being told him that going any further was asking for trouble. He was a hustler and hustlers never really developed relationships with those outside the trade. It just never worked mainly because of the jealousy. Hell he himself felt that way and he had been working the streets for 8 years now. Shit just the notion that Jason had been with Ashley had made him cringe so how the fuck could he expect Ashley to understand when a trick would call or something?

It just didn’t make sense and while the notion of taking Ashley home was inviting, he didn’t think he could do it. There just was something about the kid that made him not look at him as a diversion. He knew inside that he wanted something more from Ashley but he also thought he was smart enough to know it was impossible. Christ if he even mentioned this to anyone they would look at him like he was crazy, so why the fuck did the idea keep popping in his head? Hell why was he even here trying to find a place for Ashley to crash?

Shit it wasn’t like he even knew the guy and yet he was willing to put his own rep on the line with Carl for him. It just didn’t make sense but then he was slowly coming to realize that not very much in life did make sense. After all he never envisioned himself getting dressed up in woman’s clothes to simply taste a straight boy’s jizz and yet that is exactly what he was doing more nights than he cared to admit to. It was almost as if everything he had once dreamed of had simply vanished.

Terry sighed as he stood there watching Carl dealing with the incoming trade and at the same time feeling Ashley’s eyes on him. It was kind of spooky too, the way that Ashley seemed so obsessed with him. Christ that was all he needed now, a bloody stalker or worse a first timer’s crush. God why did all this crap have to happen to him? Wasn’t it bad enough that he was getting older with no future in sight?

His body shook a little as his mind once more let him briefly ponder a future that seemed more bleak than when his cupboard at his apartment was empty. Life hadn’t gone the way he and Paul had talked about. It had simply changed the minute he had taken the rap for Paul and yet even now after all this time he still believed he had done the right thing. Maybe it was the last right thing he had done but somehow deep inside he knew that Paul had the better chance than he did for a real life.

It was times like this that he really missed his older brother. It was almost as if a hole opened up inside of him and he would feel like he was slowly falling down this wide empty cavern with no bottom in sight. It always left him trembling afterwards. If only there had been a way to keep in touch but he knew that it couldn’t be. Not the way his mother was and certainly not the way his step father was. That would have ended Paul’s chances so he had stayed away. Still, it would have been nice to know how it all worked out for Paul.

What’s up Terry?

Carl’s voice stopped the sudden thoughts of his family and he lifted up his face to stare at Carl. He liked him though at times they crossed swords. Carl didn’t exactly approve of him and his drag routine. He kept harping that God made him a boy and he should stick to how he was made instead of trying to resort to trickery to simply get his rocks off. Funny thing was that Carl was pretty well the only one who understood him that way. Must have been all his religious training or something.

Huh? Oh sorry… I need a favour, you got a minute?

A favour? Depends, you broke or something?

No, I am okay uh, that guy sitting over by the back there? See him?

The blonde who can’t keep his eyes off you?

He couldn’t explain why, but the idea that Ashley was still glued to his every move felt nice. It was eerie too but the good feeling far outweighed the bad. It had been a long time since anyone looked at him the way that Ashley was staring at him. In some ways he wished he’d just have the guts to let him come home with him but he knew that it just couldn’t work out. There was no way it could happen unless he was also willing to trade his job away and as much as he knew he’d have to eventually, right now the money was just too good to pass on.

Yeah, that’s the one.

He giving you trouble?

No, no not that, not really.

What then? He trying to steal a customer of yours or something?

Shit Carl, give me a chance will you?

Carl’s eyes narrowed a bit at the tone of voice that Terry suddenly used. He looked down at Terry with a renewed sense of interest. It was almost as if Terry was somehow different, that something had gotten in past all of his defences. Strange the way Terry’s eyes seemed so much more alive right now than he could ever remember. It was as if some strange magic was at work.

Okay, simmer down, what’s up? You look kind of, well, you okay?

Yeah fine, its just, the kid, Ashley is his name, he’s new to town and Jason’s already had a go at him and well, I was wondering if you’d let him crash at your place for a day or two?

You crazy?

No, seriously man, he’s not equipped for this, he’ll be eaten alive, I’ll vouch for him if that means anything.

Carl stared down at Terry and blinked a few times as he tried to figure out what Terry’s angle was. This was a bit out of character for him and yet really he knew Terry to be a kind soul. One who Carl wished would grow up and stop selling his body. He had a good mind and more importantly a good heart but Terry didn’t see himself that way. Hell most of the young men he knew didn’t see themselves as anything more than a piece of meat at times.

Of course it means something, means a lot really. You sure you want to though?

Sure? Hell I don’t know Carl, just that, I don’t know, he seems different, not like the others that find their way from Hicksville to here.

Sounds like you got a crush on him.

Me? No, the other way around I think though.

Oh?

Yeah, guess maybe that’s why I don’t want to send him back to guys like Jason, he seems innocent enough.

In one way it was flattering that people trusted him this way. In another way it was rather disconcerting. After all he wasn’t a monk anymore plus he was gay too. He liked the company of other men and he enjoyed the sex just like all of them did, so why did they always assume guys or boyfriends would be safe with him? Carl knew that his reputation of never going after other people’s dates or potential dates was the reason, but sometimes he wished he had a slightly different reputation. Sometimes he wished people would think of him as being a rival not a comfort zone.

So you figure he’ll be safe with me?

Yeah, at least you can point him the right way if he wants to listen.

Think he will?

Doubt it, but…

The way that Terry had said it once more made Carl pause. It was typical of Terry to care and not let on, but this seemed so different. You could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes even. For whatever reason, this kid seemed to have made his way past Terry’s normal defences. It would be interesting to see how it would end up.

Even as he thought about that, Carl felt fairly certain that nothing would come of it. He doubted if Terry would ever end his life of hustling until forced to by either time or some tragedy. There was just too much history there and he knew Terry didn’t believe in himself enough to shake the stereo typing. And yet, his eyes seemed so alive, so filled with something new that for a second or two Carl thought that maybe, just maybe there was a chance.

But what?

Worth a shot I suppose.

Okay, well… for a few days I suppose it’ll be okay, but not longer. What’s his plans other than chasing you?

Damned if I know, guess I’ll find out though.

Okay… Terry?

Yeah?

How come you aren’t taking him home to do him? He looks like your type.

It was a question he asked himself already a few times. Why wasn’t he simply taking Ashley home and getting it on with him? Okay maybe the guy was a rookie but it hadn’t stopped him before. He still did one guy on a semi regular basis for the easy $100 even though he liked the guy, so why not with Ashley? Why wasn’t he simply heading to the door with Ashley in tow and then walk away later?

He wished he knew the answer because somehow deep down inside, he knew that trouble lay ahead of him. Terry could see Ashley’s smile, the way his face glowed when he wasn’t too busy blushing. It was all exciting really and had already given him a couple of good erections. Christ just thinking of laying on top of Ashley was giving him another erection that felt so painful and demanding that he was sure he’d pass out. Yet at the same time he felt like it would be wrong, that somehow or other Ashley was different, that he wasn’t someone he wanted to just use for a good fuck. It gnawed at him as he tried to figure it out, to try to understand what was happening.

I don’t know, he is cute isn’t he?

Very. So how come?

Don’t laugh.

Promise

I guess cause I don’t want to, well to just do him and then move on… stupid I know but… oh hell I don’t know, maybe I am just in one of those sappy moods.

In all the time that Carl had known Terry this was the first time that Terry ever admitted to wanting something like a relationship. It startled him really as he looked out over Terry shoulder towards Ashley. There was no mistaking how the boy was fixed solely on Terry and yet as Carl’s eyes scanned his direction, he could tell that nothing or anyone could break the look that existed right now. As much as it felt intriguing he knew the dangers involved as well as Terry did. It saddened him really because it would be nice if Terry could have someone who would care for him, as him & not as a hot fuck.

Or in love?

Yeah right, someone like me in love with a virgin farm boy like him, that’ll be the day.

It can happen.

Not to me Carl, maybe to others but no, there’s no future in falling in love and besides, he’d only get hurt.

And you don’t want that to happen?

Terry hadn’t expected it to get this heavy but then maybe he had? Carl had a knack of being able to see beyond the words at times. Still he didn’t really think he knew the answers. There was no way he could be in love with Ashley, he didn’t know him or know anything about him, so how could he be in love? Maybe he was attracted to him, maybe he was simply being nice but there was no way that he was in love.

For starters that shit never happened to guys like him. If it ever did it always ended badly. Secondly you can’t just meet someone and be in love, it takes time and lots of other stuff. So Carl was really off base here, he wasn’t in love or any of that sappy stuff. Besides the obvious reasons, he knew inside that his future could never have an Ashley in it, at least not one who knew him as Terry the prostitute.

No, guess I don’t.

They call that love Terry.

Maybe in your circles, in mine its called self preservation. Hell, what kind of a boyfriend would I make? I gotta eat and I rather enjoy my freedom. That means turning tricks and having a boyfriend like that, shit that’s just asking for trouble.

So why are you trying to fix him up with a safe place?

I dunno, like I said, he seems nice, and well, can’t just leave him for the wolves can I?

Terry you are a romantic at heart, there is still hope for you I think.

I doubt it Carl, not anymore but I don’t know, it just seems a shame to let him go out there, ya know?

Yeah, okay well like I said, few days. I’ll stop by later to say hi.

Thanks

No sweat.

Terry saw Ashley looking over at him and he felt a strange warmth creeping through him all over. It was a weird feeling and for the life of him he couldn’t understand it. Shit he still didn’t know why he had gone to Carl to get him to let Ashley crash there for a day or two. It was like something inside told him that he couldn’t leave Ashley to find his own way, that for some unknown reason he had to help him. It was kind of eerie because he had learned the hard way that you watch your back and never trust anyone. Friends were something for normal folk not those in his line of work. Sure you made acquaintances to help cover your back at times, but that was more professional courtesy than friendship. No one wanted to be the latest statistic on some police blotter. Besides the women did it and it had helped keep their numbers from being thinned out too much so most of the guys were doing it too. Still, you had to rely on your own wits and not hope that someone would remember the car license plate or what the dude looked like.

He had his bruises and scars to show for his life on the street but inside he knew that in many ways he had been lucky or maybe blessed? Strange to think that some deity would bless him given his line of work but as his brother had told him years ago, Jesus hadn’t asked for the rich or the kings to sit at his feet. Instead he had asked for the unclean, the prostitutes, the money lenders and tax collectors, so maybe there was hope for him but then who really knew?

Man he must be tired or something to be thinking that kind of stuff while wondering what Ashley would be like in bed. Maybe he was just feeling the aftermath of his close escape from that sailor or maybe he was just plain losing it. After all he had been turning tricks now for almost 8 years. Something had to give and he was damn certain that he was on borrowed time. You couldn’t go through life selling your ass without eventually paying the price, which hadn’t really bothered him much until now. For whatever reason seeing Ashley in the men’s room the other night had started him thinking about his future.

Funny how he hadn’t thought much about that since he left home. Back then he and Paul used to always talk about what they would do when free from their parents. Now his father was off somewhere hiding from the police and his mother had divorced him and married that hack preacher they had. Only thing was that hack was now one of the top grossing televangelists around. He shook his head in wonder at the world as he moved past the outreached hands from some of the more older patrons. Christ they always tried to cop a feel or something but unless they had the cash they were SOL. Maybe Carl was right, maybe this was a sign that he too should try to look for something else to do with his life?

As he came back to the table his heart was beating a little bit faster. The way Ashley seemed so happy to see him coming back was kind of nice. In the very deep recess of his heart he thought for a second that maybe, just maybe there might be a chance but his head kept reminding him of just who he was. He sighed a little as he sat down next to Ashley. He could smell the boy’s scent now and it gave him a strange glow inside. It was like he knew him and yet all he knew was that the guy had turned a trick to find out about him. It still puzzled him as he felt the boy’s eyes looking at him even though he was trying not to. In some ways it was like Ashley was embarrassed to be looking but couldn’t help himself. Terry felt rather pleased by it and for a few moments he ignored the voices inside his mind, sitting back instead to just enjoy the feeling of actually being wanted.

Sorry it took so long.

That’s okay.

No drinks yet?

Huh? No, uh the waiter was just here.

Oh? Okay, so… hope you don’t mind but I got you a place to crash for a few nights, if you want?

Ashley felt like he had been hit by a truck or something. Terry getting him a place to stay? It was almost like he cared for him but then maybe it was a way for him to get rid of him? He didn’t know which but his heart seemed to beat a bit faster and with a sense of pleasure that he hadn’t felt before.

What? I mean… uh… really?

Damn it felt kind of nice to see his face like that. The way Ashley’s eyes were glowing were making his body tremble with a weird excitement.

Yeah, he’s a good guy and you won’t need to keep one eye open either.

Huh? I don’t…

Sorry, he’s an ex monk or priest or something like that and he won’t try anything while you sleep like some do.

There was a strange hint of sadness and even maybe disgust in Terry’s voice that puzzled him. He still wasn’t sure why Terry had done this or what it meant, but he felt happy inside. For a second or two he felt like he wanted to reach out and kiss Terry but was too afraid of what Terry would do or say. Still the idea was there inside and he felt the ache growing between his legs.

I don’t… ex priest?

Monk I think actually, yeah Carl, he’s the bouncer here and a really super guy.

Oh, well I uh… you sure its okay?

Yep, just asked him.

He was about to say something more when Rob showed up and placed the two drinks down in front of them. Terry looked up at him and saw a weird look in his face that he hadn’t noticed before. Christ was everyone on edge tonight or what he thought?

Thanks Rob, you okay?

Yeah just peachy fine… shit, sorry it is one of those nights, sorry it took so long, forgot earlier.

No problem.

Uh, those guys over near the bar, they want to buy you two a drink, what do I tell them?

Terry quickly glanced over towards the bar where the two men were seated. He could see how they were looking at him and Ashley. He felt rather pissed and yet at the same time his mind was calculating what he had in the bank and his pocket. Business was not something you casually tossed off and yet he felt almost as if he was being trapped by his life before he could get to know his stalker.

Christ he must be losing it, because he wanted to be with Ashley and not for the obvious reasons. That much he knew and yet here he was, already throwing up roadblocks, already trying to make Ashley into something he could forget. It was his defence mechanism, to hit out first, to get the first blow in and he sighed a little as he stared at the two potential customers.

Which two? The ones sitting by the register?

Yeah, the one with the bad rug on top and the fat one next to him.

Okay, tell them I’ll be by to thank them in a bit.

You sure? I mean they uh…

Yeah, I can handle it man, okay?

Suit yourself dude, two of the same or something fancier?

Two of the same, they aren’t big spenders.

Okay two of the same it is.

He watched Rob leave wondering if Carl had gotten him to the doctors or not? Shit he really was forgetting himself for not even asking. This is what happens when you lose your focus he thought as he stared discreetly towards the two men, sizing them up for what he could expect. The guy with the bad toupee looked like a real jerk and the fat guy was well, just fat. He figured he could get more from the fat one though, they usually paid bit more for less simply because they were fat.

For a moment or two everything else seemed blotted out. He knew that he could make more with the one but he sensed a bad vibe coming from him so his attention went to the fat guy. He felt a bit of disgust too, wondering why someone would do that to themselves? Eat so much that they had rolls of flab all over and then had to pay for sex. Still, he felt ashamed too, for being such an asshole even if it was just in his mind.

Uh Terry…

The sound of Ashley’s voice made him come back to the present. His head moved slightly back towards looking at Ashley and he felt that strange stirring inside once more. It was weird to keep getting those feelings when he knew nothing could come of it, well not true. He knew that something could come of it if he let it but he had more or less made up his mind that he just couldn’t let it. There was too much risk, too much of a chance for not just Ashley being hurt but himself too.

One thing he had learned very early on in his life on the streets was that you looked after yourself first, then maybe, just maybe you could afford to worry about others. It wasn’t something he was necessarily proud of either but it was the harsh realities of life. It really didn’t matter who the person was, you needed to take care of yourself first. The sadness suddenly grew stronger inside only though this time all he could think about was his brother.

Yeah?

Those two guys, they buying us drinks?

Yup.

Uh, I don’t think I can… I mean they want uh, they uh…

Terry saw what he thought was fear as well as disgust in Ashley’s face as he tried to say it out loud. Christ the kid was so fresh he was embarrassed by the words never mind the act itself. God he’d never manage to do a real trick

He was about to say something when it struck him that despite how Ashley looked, he had in fact already done a trick. He had done Jason and he knew Jason would have pressed for a lot more than just blowing Ashley. So why did he feel that Ashley couldn’t handle being a hustler? Why did it even matter to him whether he did or not?

Carl was wrong, you couldn’t be in love, he thought as he tried to figure out what was eating at him. Could he be simply trying to cut down the competition? After all he was 22 and Ashley was obviously fresh meat and a whole lot younger. If he played it right he could maybe wangle that fresh from the farm look for a few months before he got known. There was big money in that too but even as his mind throw up the ideas, his heart seemed to rebel against it.

Relax, they are just looking for a date is all.

A date? I don’t…  I thought they were uh, I mean…

They are.

But you said a date… I…

That’s what its called, a date, a trick, uh just slang we use, and like I said, don’t sweat it, I can handle them. Besides the guy with the bad hair isn’t worth it, he gets a pass I think.

A pass?

Yeah, not going to bother. The other one isn’t much to look at and he looks harmless enough.

Somehow he had known that what Terry was talking about was about selling his body. He didn’t really understand why Terry did it and he knew that somehow it should be bothering him but it didn’t. It was like he didn’t care what Terry did or anything else as long as Terry liked him. He hated sounding like such an idiot too but everything was happening so fast. Ashley just didn’t want to mess up this opportunity. It was like his whole life depended on tonight which he knew was crazy.

Oh, you mean, uh, you going to uh, date him?

Yeah, if the price is right, why?

I thought, I mean, how much do you figure he’ll, I know its none of my business, just that… what do you normally get?

His eyes narrowed a bit as he stared at Ashley. He could see into his face that he didn’t mean anything by it but his mind told him different. It was as if he wanted to find something objectionable about Ashley so he could write him off. Trouble was that the more he tried to make Ashley seem inconsequential to him the more he seemed to matter. It was nagging at him in a way that he couldn’t understand.

Still the notion of having to explain himself ate at him. He had never had to answer to anyone for a long time now. It sort of felt like he was suddenly being transported back to a time when there were people who cared. Okay not his parents but Paul always had a way of making him explain himself. It felt sort of like that now except differently. The feeling was making him uncomfortable as he tried to explain it, maybe not so much for Ashley as for himself.

Christ he’s not that bad, most are about like that I suppose, some worse, I mean the hot guys, they don’t need my services generally. What I get? Depends on what I gotta do, and other stuff.

I am sorry, but… how can you, shit I am making you mad aren’t I?

No, not really. I guess, I don’t know what does it matter to you anyhow?

He could sense the anger in Terry’s voice but he couldn’t help himself. There seemed to be so many questions that he wanted to ask, to have answers for that it made him forget his caution. He felt desperate to know Terry and he could see that desperation slowly pushing Terry away but he couldn’t seem to stop it. Panic seemed close at hand as he struggled with finding the right words, the right tone to use. The importance only seemed to grow more enormous as he felt his chance slipping away from him.

It does, I can’t explain it, but it does.

You don’t even know me.

I know, but I want to. Does that make me weird or something?

No, maybe a bit crazy though.

Crazy?

Yeah, I mean you aren’t exactly ugly Ashley, hell you are pretty hot and all, so why would you want to pick up a hustler like me? That’s crazy when you could probably find someone who has a real job and won’t be working nights with his pants at his ankles.

It felt like a knife had been thrust into his chest. The pain he could feel just from how Terry talked about himself only made him more determined to try and make his own case. He couldn’t explain why but he knew he had to. None of this made much sense to him, he just knew that deep inside Terry was it, Terry was the one and so he sucked it up a bit as he stared directly at Terry.

That meant to scare me off?

Is it?

No.

It was like being in the middle of some giant tug of war game. Part of him rejoiced at how definite Ashley was that it didn’t scare him, another part equally pissed off that it hadn’t made him get up and just leave. He didn’t know which he preferred. All he really knew was that this wasn’t easy and from the hard edge in Ashley’s voice he knew it would only get more difficult.

Oh… well, shit, why me? What is it that makes you want to know me, never mind the rest…

I don’t know, just that… well when I saw you that first time, it was like, I don’t know. It felt like a piece of me that had been missing was suddenly there. When you left, it just, well felt worse, like now there were more pieces missing.

Shit.

I am sorry.

No, no its okay. Man this is bit freaky dude, I mean, hell we spoke what, half a minute or so? How can you feel like that when you really know nothing about me?

I know you aren’t mean.

Strange how he knew that Ashley would say that or something close to it. It was freaking him out in more ways than he wanted to acknowledge. How did he get himself into this mess he thought as he stared at the silent stubborn face in front of him. There was no doubt in Ashley’s face, he meant what he had said but how could he know? It was eerie at how he had simply said it too. His hands felt a bit sweaty as he realized that Paul had looked like that too when they were talking about important stuff. The way the jaw was set, the way the eyes just seemed to spark with a sense of fire inside. It all reminded him once more about Paul and what he wished he could have.

How do you know that?

You didn’t have to warn me, hell you didn’t even have to buy me a drink tonight or find me a place to crash but you did. You could tell me to frig off which you haven’t either. Besides, I could just tell.

Yeah? How?

From your eyes. My mom always told me to look at a person’s eyes, that I’d know the right person if I looked into their eyes… she was right too. I could see it when I first saw you, the way… I mean… I just did, okay?

Yeah uh, well.. shit I don’t know what to say… look Ashley, you seem nice and all but…

I am freaking you out, right?

Kind of.

Sorry, I don’t mean to, it is just that, well…

What?

I guess I am afraid you won’t want to be friends, I guess, I mean, shit, its just that I never felt this way before and well, I know I never will again. I just, I mean I don’t know how it works, what to do or say even.

Terry knew that Ashley was telling him the truth. For what it was worth deep down inside he felt the same way about Ashley or maybe it wasn’t that he felt that way but wished he did? It was so sudden, so fast that he wasn’t sure of much right now and needed time to think about it. There was so much to consider and worse, he doubted if he could do what he did and be with Ashley. It wouldn’t be right to let some stranger do him and then go home to do Ashley.

Christ he must be nuts. To even think that he could go home to someone like Ashley was a dream, an illusion. Okay, it looked like that was what Ashley wanted, what he was angling for but it couldn’t be. Not to him and sure as hell not with someone like Ashley.

How what works?

This… I mean how guys meet other guys to, well, to be close with, that kind of stuff…

Same way you would pick up girls, I don’t know. I suppose you try talking to them, buying a drink or two and let it all happen the way its supposed to. You can’t go, well, rushing into things, you know?

Couldn’t manage that either, why I kind of knew I was meant for a guy.

That’s just it Ashley, you are meant for one guy, not for me, I mean, its flattering dude, really it is, but I am not your type.

Tears were starting to roll down from his face as he listened to the words. Terry’s voice was soft and sad but the words were harsh, at least to his ears. He tried not to flinch, tried to hold back the tide but felt like he was losing it all. Suddenly everything he had wanted in life had appeared before him when he first stared into Terry’s face and now it was all being taken from him without even a chance.

He looked at Terry and wished he could say something, do something that would change Terry’s mind. His mind was feeling lost as his heart cried out. A small prayer leapt from within his soul as he struggled with the growing press of tears at his eyes. His hand came up to wipe away the first rolling drops and he blinked as he stared into Terry’s face.

For a passing moment he saw a pain that he couldn’t even fathom. There was red all over and in the centre of it all he saw himself and Terry as well. It was as if they were standing in the centre of a raging inferno but as much as it frightened him he suddenly felt a strange calmness too. In that mere passing second he knew that Terry was who he thought he was. The doubts no longer lingered as he sat upright to look once more at Terry.

You don’t know that.

I do Ashley, I mean it would be nice maybe, but it’s not for me.

You are wrong, I know you are.

Just for a fleeting second or two he actually thought it might be possible. Just for that one split instant he thought how it would feel to be with someone that actually cared for him and not for his looks or his abilities in bed. Just once but the moment quickly passed as reality was only a few tables down from him. The guys at the bar were waiting and he knew that that was his life not the fairy tale type that Ashley seemed to believe in.

Ashley, look dude, you know nothing about me, nothing about what it takes to live out here. You and me, well, its not, I mean…

Give me a chance at least… please, I know you think I am off my gourd, maybe I am, hell I don’t know. I only know that there is something about you that makes me, well makes me feel like there is hope. Lame I know, but please, isn’t it at least worth a chance?

Do you know what you are asking?

The panic had stopped. He knew that he was pushing his luck but so far it had worked. He couldn’t even begin to explain why it mattered but it did. There was no denying the strange feelings that came to him each time he stared over at Terry or just thought about him. This was the one, he knew it as sure as he knew his own name. He had to succeed, there could be no other alternative for him.

I think so, yeah, I do.

Do you really? Shit dude, you could be hitching yourself up to one rough ride. I mean look, I don’t want to be a prick, but I sell my ass for money, how can you ignore that?

I can’t, not sure I want to but, well, so you do? Not like that is who you are, its, well, its just what you do.

Christ. Ashley you are something else dude, I don’t know… I just…

There was a cloudy haze in Terry’s eyes but there was also something else deep down behind the mist. Ashley could feel it or maybe he was just deluding himself, but he didn’t think so. He knew in his heart that Terry wanted the same thing but was as much afraid of it as he was disbelieving of it. He had to make him see it, if only he could get the time. That was all he hoped for now, that and trusting in something that kept telling him this was right.

Please, just give me a chance okay? I promise, I am not really this much of a head case, honest, it is just, I came all this way, I am not sure why here, maybe it was destiny, karma, whatever all that stuff is, or maybe it was simply where I was supposed to go. Meeting you, it was whatever you want to call it, for me it was and is, well, please, just give me a chance.

I suppose, I mean I am not looking for a boyfriend Ashley, but hell if you want to spin your wheels for a bit…

Does that mean we can see each other?

Yeah, but for now it means as, well, just for drinks or stuff. Okay?

Okay. Uh, so now what?

He really couldn’t believe that he had caved in so easily to him. Sure the guy was hot and it would be nice to have someone around that cared more about him as a person than a sex toy, but did he really think it would last? Did Ashley really believe that what Terry did wouldn’t come between them? Shit he knew he couldn’t be with a hustler as a boyfriend, so how could Ashley?

It just didn’t make much sense and yet somewhere inside of him the little voice seemed to be telling him to try. Terry couldn’t remember when the last time was that he was even remotely interested in someone this way, but with Ashley it all seemed so different, so much more real. There was no denying he had a physical attraction for the guy but that wasn’t all of it. He was honest enough with himself to know that there was more to Ashley than just good looks. He had an aura of decency about him that he missed, that he craved. Maybe he was just getting old or maybe he was having some flashback to some weird drugs he had done. Whatever it was he felt uneasy and exalted at the same time. Strange mood for him as he tried to pull back from the heady feeling of being so hotly pursued.

In his heart he wanted to stay but he knew who he was. Time that Ashley also saw it as well. While he wasn’t really in the mood for sex, money was money. Besides, if Ashley was going to bail, might as well be now before they both fell harder for each other, as he looked beyond Ashley towards the two men at the bar.

Now what? Well now I go see those two who bought the drinks and make some money while you stay here until I get back.

But you can’t do them both.

Not planning to. Don’t like the look of the guy with the rug, so just the fat one, but I’ll be back before closing and besides, you’ll have to stay here if you want to crash at Carls.

For a brief moment he thought he had gotten thru, that Terry would be just his but as Terry’s words filtered thru his mind, he realized just what he had been trying to tell him. There was a sense of anger inside that Terry would even think about going with anyone and yet there was also a sense of apprehension too. He didn’t know what that sort of life really was. He could only relate to how he had felt when Jason had touched him and he felt in awe of Terry.

It had to take a great deal of courage to do stuff like that every night. Of course he assumed it was every night or close to it, but no matter how often he realized just how much strength it must take to go with guys like Jason or those at the bar. In a strange way he felt kind of proud of Terry. It was like, well like a way of him knowing that he had picked out a strong person.

Still the raging emotions inside seemed mixed and confused. For a brief moment he thought about pushing harder for Terry to be his and his alone but something held him back. Some inner voice seemed to caution him that he had to take this one small step at a time.

Okay, uh but, uh do you have to go with any of them?

Have to? No, but its what I do, remember?

Okay.

Yeah?

No, but what else can I say? I am just glad that at least you don’t want me gone when you get back. I am not a total dufus.

Haha, okay I’ll give you that. Hell the fat one may not want me even.

Then he’s crazy, who wouldn’t want you.

He really meant it too. There was no mistaking the sudden pride that came out in Ashley’s voice, something that made him pause for a second. To have someone care that much, to have someone actually believe he was worth something was amazing to Terry. He hadn’t felt that way for a long time and if he was honest, it hadn’t been that often either. The only person who made him feel special, made him feel like he counted had been his brother and he hadn’t seen or heard from him in 8 years or so now. It felt nice to once more feel like someone cared. Maybe there was hope though he doubted it. For now though it would be nice to just enjoy it while it lasted.

Thanks, okay just uh, stay here. If I can I’ll stop by on the way out first but if not, don’t uh, well don’t go getting…

I won’t. I’ll be here waiting.

Yeah, guessed as much.

Ashley watched as Terry stood up and headed off towards the two men. His eyes narrowed a bit as he saw the one with the rotten hairpiece lick his lips in some obscene way. Well okay it really wasn’t but it seemed like it to him. God how gorgeous Terry looked in those faded jeans and t-shirt. He really was a good looking guy and Ashley wondered why he couldn’t do other things, like maybe become a model or something? Least that way he wouldn’t have to sleep with guys like the toupee guy.

He could feel his hand growing cold and tight as he held onto the glass, watching as Terry talked to the two men. Ashley saw the spark of anger crossing the one man’s face and the absolute disbelief and joy crossing the others face as he realized that he would be the lucky one tonight. Christ he’d give anything to be that fat guy this second he thought as his hand clenched the still full glass.

His heart was racing as he saw the heavy set guy get up and throw down some bills on the bar for the bartender and then smiling turn towards Terry. He also saw the hateful look that quickly passed across the other guys face as he too watched Terry leave with the fat one. For a second Ashley hoped they would pass close by or that Terry would stop to come and say goodbye but it didn’t happen.

He could feel the pounding in his chest as well as the strange sense of hurt too. It didn’t make sense and he knew that but he couldn’t help feeling this way. Terry had somehow become a part of him or something. He just couldn’t stop dreaming or thinking of him. It was an obsession that he knew deep down would wind up hurting but he didn’t care. All he could hope for really was that they would have some good times together.

It wasn’t like he was totally clueless either. He knew that he would have trouble with Terry hustling. The jealousy would eat at him but right now he just didn’t care. All he could think about was how it would feel to wake up each morning with Terry next to him. That was all he really wanted. To know that when the day ended and began that Terry would be the one next to him. What went on in between those times he didn’t care about or even want to consider.

His hand relaxed on the glass and he stared down at it, wondering how long before Terry would be back. Fear suddenly came to him as he wondered if Terry would come back even. Maybe he had just been polite and had no intention of coming back? God what would he do then he thought but even as the horror and fear rose up inside he knew what he would do. He would simply come back tomorrow night and the next and the next if he had to. Besides, Terry wasn’t the sort who’d lie.

If Terry really wasn’t going to come back he would have said so. The panic subsided as he turned his attention away from the dark brooding thoughts of his mind to check the bar out. He had to admit, he hadn’t really taken much in once he had found Terry. It was as if when Terry was around nothing else seemed to exist for him.

Part of him told him that he had been lucky in not driving Terry away from the start. Another part told him he was obsessing too much but then the feelings he got when near Terry made it all worthwhile. He just couldn’t seem to get enough of just being near him. It was weird because he never felt this way before. He never had such a strong urge to just want to curl up into someone’s body as he did each second that Terry was near him.

Even now, with Terry gone he felt that strange emptiness inside that made him feel incomplete. He couldn’t explain it but even if all he could ever do was just hang around Terry it would be worth it. He wasn’t sure if that was love or infatuation but whatever it was, it was what he wanted. There was no way he could go back now, he was in too deep and he knew it.

Sitting there watching all the others he felt a strange sense of superiority. He had Terry and there was no one around that even came close to him. It wasn’t his looks either, but something else that seemed to be attracting him. In some ways Terry wasn’t exactly hot but whatever flaws there were Ashley felt they were overshadowed by what lay inside of Terry. He couldn’t explain how he knew that either, but then he didn’t have to. It was enough that for now they could be friends.

There was a bit of relief too in that. He was smart enough to know that when it came to sex he was a klutz. Terry might know all the tricks and stuff but he didn’t. If they had become boyfriends right off he knew he’d wind up losing Terry quickly simply because of his own inexperience. Still the notion of his head resting on Terry’s bare chest while his hand rested down on Terry’s groin made his forehead bead up with sweat and his own crotch grow hot.

Christ he was going to be a basket case if he didn’t stop fantasizing about sex with Terry. Course what he thought was sex Terry might think of as something else. He hadn’t thought about that and it began to worry him. Would Terry think that touching and kissing was too childish? Would he think that stuff like holding tightly and just simple touching be bush league or would he enjoy it?

More he thought about it the more relieved he was that Terry had held firm and not rushed headlong into what Ashley had ached for. Trouble though was how was he going to find out what to do or not do? Who could he ask or where could he find out what to do? He had seen the books but that wasn’t real or at least he was fairly certain it wasn’t. After all you didn’t just walk into a guy’s place, drop your pants and stick it up his ass. There had to be more to it and from the few video’s he had seen he doubted if even they enjoyed doing it that way. Maybe they had simply cut out the other stuff or maybe it was simply that guys wanted to see that but did things differently when they were in love?

You Ashley?

Huh? Uh, yeah…

I am Carl, Terry talked to me about you, he tell you?

Here it comes he though. Terry had made a deal with this guy to get rid of him before he came back. Only reason he would leave his post to come to talk to him. Damn he should have know better but then as he looked up into Carl’s face he felt the fear slowly dissipate. Maybe he was just jumping to conclusions that were false? Terry wasn’t a coward, he could tell so no, Terry would have told him to bugger off is he had wanted. No way would he get this guy to do it for him.

Oh right, uh, Hi uh, yeah, sort of.

Carl stared down at the face. He could clearly see that Ashley was a heart breaker if there ever was such a thing. He had the face that was fresh and innocent looking. He felt a small twinge in his own heart too as he recognized that innocence for what it really was. God why did they come so young?

He had been surprised by Terry’s sudden willingness to find this kid a place to crash but in looking at Ashley he thought he could understand it a bit. There was something about the guy that made you simply know he was who he said. There wasn’t the act or façade that many tried when coming to a bar for the first time. Ashley was genuine and Carl figured that Terry had found that in itself special. After all how many genuine people did a hustler run into?

Yeah well, he’s vouched for you so I guess I can take a chance on him being right.

He did? Oh, uh, I didn’t ask him to, I didn’t know he was going to, I mean…

The way Ashley’s mouth opened and closed and how his eyes seemed to widen at the information gave Carl the reassurances he had come looking for. For starters he did take what Terry said seriously but he also liked to get his own impressions. The fact that Terry wasn’t around helped settle the doubts in his mind as well. If there was something fishy about this Terry wouldn’t have left him alone for Carl to quiz. So chalk one up for Mr Terry he thought as he pulled up a chair to sit down. Carl could see how his stature was intimidating Ashley and he had to admit, it was a trick he used to his advantage.

It’s okay. Terry is pretty good about judging people.

Oh.

So, what’s your story Ashley?

Huh? I don’t… not sure what you mean…

That’s okay, uh, you just move here or what?

Came in on the bus yesterday.

Oh? You a runaway or something?

He was relieved that Carl had sat down. It was hurting his neck to keep staring up at the taller man. That and the fact that it made him nervous to see someone so tall hovering over him. It kind of felt a bit like he was in some inquisition or something.

No, not really.

Not really? What’s that mean?

They know I am gone, told them.

The tone of sadness was nothing new to Carl. If he had heard it once he had heard it a thousand times before. Families knew but did nothing about preventing them from leaving. It was as if in many ways they simply disposed of the problem, calling it one thing when in reality it was something totally different.

He sighed a bit as he knew the story before even having to ask the questions. Still he went through the motions, feeling saddened by it all, wondering how such a world could even exist let alone continue as this one did. His training as a Monk should have prepared him for it but he still couldn’t find it in his heart to just accept.

Carl had seen too many Ashley’s and most without someone like Terry to watch out for them. He still wasn’t sure why Terry had taken an interest, but in looking at Ashley he was silently pleased that he had. Maybe this would be one of those rare success stories, though in his heart he felt doubtful.

I see, so why did you leave?

My step mom didn’t care for me being a fag.

And your dad?

He’s okay with it I guess, but what could he do? He’s kind of stuck with her I suppose.

What about your real mom?

It was only a fleeting momentary pause but he felt the sudden stab of pain as if it was that day all over again. He just couldn’t seem to get used to the fact that she was gone. Oh sure he had gone thru the motions, all the rituals and all but inside he still felt like he could turn around and find her. It hurt even now to just think about her.

Ashley lifted his head up a bit and the life in his eyes seemed to drain away as his voice grew flat and emotionless. The pain was still too real for him as he held in check the tears that raced towards his eyes. Not here he thought as he looked beyond Carl, seeing nothing and yet seeing it all. Just a vast empty space with nameless faces flowing past him.

She’s dead.

Oh, I am sorry. Guess that’s rough.

Yeah. Uh, I really appreciate you letting me crash at your place for a few days, it’ll help a lot. Uh, you wouldn’t know of any jobs around would you?

Maybe, what kind of job are you looking for?

Anything, I’ll do anything.

The way the boy changed the subject wasn’t lost on Carl. He could still hear the bitterness and sorrow in the voice that made him look twice at Ashley. There was a lot more than a pretty face on top of a hard youthful body behind that voice. Carl could recognize the sorrow and the pain but there was something else there, something that troubled his heart as he tried to ease the tension that had arisen.

Well that’s pretty open ended, I think you should uh, maybe rephrase that one or you could wind up in some serious trouble.

Huh? I don’t… oh, shit, sorry. No, not that kind of anything, I mean ordinary uh work, cooking, washing, that sort of stuff.

Carl noticed the sudden pause in Ashley’s voice when he had quickly recanted his statement. It was almost as if he was suddenly realizing what it was that Terry actually did for money. Still it wasn’t with disgust or anything, it was sort of a cross that intrigued the ex monk even more.

You cook?

Uh huh, used to help my mom especially when we had folks helping get the crops in. Nothing fancy mind you, but no one died from my cooking.

I might know a place looking for a short order cook. We’ll see.

For some odd reason Ashley felt he had to clarify things for Carl. Part of him felt revolt at the idea of him selling his body and that anyone would think he could, yet at the same time he realized that it was what Terry did. It made him in one way feel like he was already betraying the feelings he had for Terry and yet in another way was showing Terry that he was worthy of him. God how could things be any more complicated he thought as he tried to explain something he himself wasn’t all that certain of.

Thanks, that would be great but I did mean I’d do anything, in the non, uh, you know, not anything but I don’t mind cleaning or washing up. Used to clean the stalls and chicken coop back home so guess you could say I am used to that kind of work.

Okay well I’ll keep that in mind. Terry say how long he’d be gone?

Huh? Oh, not really, said he’d be back before closing though.

Good. Well you can usually trust him on that then.

I do.

The firmness of Ashley’s reply surprised him again. He couldn’t make up his mind but there was something about how Ashley looked each time he mentioned Terry’s name that made Carl feel a bit confused. There was apprehension as well as hope which made him feel a bit uncomfortable.

Uh huh, well when the places closes, you just hang here okay? I have to cash up for everyone then we can head off to my place. You got your stuff with you?

Stuff?

Clothes and that.

No, I put them in a locker.

Okay well you can bring them around tomorrow then. You get a couch to sleep on, its not much but its comfortable.

Thanks.

No problem, well I better get back to work.

Okay, Uh thanks again.

It’s okay, Terry vouched for you so keep that in mind.

He said the same for you, so guess it’ll work out.

Carl couldn’t help himself from grinning. The way Ashley had so neatly reminded him of his own reputation was well done. It was also surprising. Ashley didn’t come across as being exactly astute and yet the more he talked, the more Carl was certain that there was a whole lot more to the boy than at first glance.

He felt rather excited too, that perhaps Ashley had what it might take to make something of himself. Hell he might even be able to bring Terry a bit of happiness, something Carl knew that Terry rarely ever got. Life certainly was full of strange things he thought as he left the table to head back to the front door.

For a second or two he wondered if it could work out between Terry and Ashley. Just for that brief second or two he thought it might but in his mind he knew that Terry had gauged it right. What future could they have? It wasn’t like they could escape what Terry did for a living and whether or not Ashley stayed out of that particular line of employment was still up in the air.

As he came back to his station at the front entrance way Carl briefly lifted his eyes heaven wards, asking the Father to watch over his friends and guide them well. It was something he hadn’t done too often lately and he felt a bit guilty at asking, but he knew that God would understand.

 

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