Excesses Aren't Just a Gay Thing.

Chapter 03

The sound of water running finally made him open his eyes. At first there really wasn’t anything for him to see because he had the sleeping bag pulled over his face. Carefully he moved his arm up and pushed aside the tartan coloured cover to look out at the room.

It was bathed in a bright glare from the sun and he couldn’t be certain if it was the morning sun or the afternoon one. His eyes were having a little trouble focusing which was normal for him but slowly he began to figure out just where he was. The running water made him squeeze his legs together as he needed to take a pee bad but obviously someone was using the bathroom. He thought he could wait as he tried to wake up and focus.

The pounding around his temples seemed to grow too as his eyes became accustomed to the light. He pushed his thin body up on the couch and took in his surroundings. It was hard for him to wake up these days and he knew that it was time for him to get real once more about his drinking. He sighed a little as he stared at the coffee table and saw the empty bottle of Bourbon that rested on top along with a glass that had a small slug of the harsh liquid still inside.

Looking around the room he saw that it wasn’t particularly filled with much. There was a small television off to one side, the couch he was on and two faded and older style arm chairs with a table between them. A lamp rested on the far end of the table between the chairs and that was pretty well it. On the walls he saw a small painting of a Shepard and some sheep in a lush green pasture or field.  The smaller wall held a simple wooden crucifix and Rob stared at it for a few seconds, wondering if God had had enough of him yet.

His stomach ached from all the alcohol he had drunk last night and the night before that and the night before that one too. Still the only real effect was that he had this splitting headache starting and he felt tired, almost worn out really but he also felt the strange urge to have a small pick me up. He looked down at the nearly emptied glass that rested near him and his arm moved slowly from on top of his stomach to reach out for the glass.

As it moved he saw how thin and white it was. Rob looked at his thin hand, saw the veins sticking out from the top making white ridges on his hand. His long tapered fingers were extended towards the glass but he noticed the tremor in them as his hand moved towards the table and the glass. His mind recoiled at the shaking fingers and hand that was almost like a blur to his still unfocused eyes. The shaking made him stop and he just leaned up on the back of the sofa to stare blankly at his trembling hand.

It hadn’t always been like this he thought and his hand dropped down to rest against his leg that stuck out from under the sleeping bag. He saw the white flesh of his leg and wondered just what had happened last night. He peered under the bulky material to see that all he had on was his pair of dark Calvin Klein boxer shorts.

Panic entered his heart as he looked down at his body, seeing the flat washboard stomach curling inwards as he realized that other than his shorts he was naked. His mind quickly tried to figure out where he was and his head swivelled upwards and once more took in his surrounding. The noise of someone in the shower made his heart skip a beat as his eyes roamed around the room looking for something to indicate where he was.

He felt the pain growing around his temples as he once more came to the wooden cross on the wall and then he began to take in the far off bookshelf. It wasn’t much really just some planks laid on top of old cement building bricks. There were a few stacks and his eyes looked at the titles on the spines when it dawned on him where he was.

Rob leaned back and felt more at ease because he knew now where he was as well as why he was attired in just his shorts. A little smile came to his lips as he thought about it, wondering when he had passed out and just how had he gotten here. More than likely it had to be after work but then he didn’t even recall leaving work either.

The cold shiver that came to him wasn’t so bad as it had been before and slowly he felt himself warming up under the sleeping bag. He pulled his leg inside and stared once more at the table and the glass. Rob licked his lips as he thought about just finishing what was left but the fear came rushing back to him. There was no mistaking the relief either as he finally realized that so far he had once more dodged another bullet but how much longer would his luck hold out?

Knowing that his luck wouldn’t protect him forever made his hand go back under the sleeping bag, leaving the glass where it was untouched. Rob felt the sadness filling his heart again as he tried to figure out why it was that he did this stuff? Okay so far he had been safe, but then he had only been working at the gay bar for what, 2 months or so?

Sure he was pretty particular about who he partied with from there, and for the most part the other staff was pretty decent but he was pushing it. After all the tips he got each night told him that he was desirable, even if his own mind didn’t quite think that. Darius had certainly told him enough times that he was a hunk but then Darius was a letch too. He also was a damn good piano player and the few times he had crashed at his place he had at least woken up with his clothes on.

Now the owner of Rich’s, Ned was a different story. He definitely was not the type you passed out on and then expect to keep your virtue intact. So far, knock on wood, he had managed to avoid that situation but could he keep on dodging it? The idea of his first gay sexual experience being with the likes of Ned almost made him retch. The twisting of his guts and the sudden rush of acid to his throat told him that he had other problems to contend with other than just fending off Ned.

He looked down to see his clothes neatly piled at the foot of the sofa. Rob smiled realizing that Carl must have tucked him in so to speak and he tossed his feet out from under the sleeping bag and sat up. His head protested a little but no where as much as his stomach. Funny how he would have these inner fights on which part of his body was in worse shape, the head or the guts, but lately his stomach was winning out.

The water sound suddenly stopped as Rob bent down and grabbed his clothes. He put his socks on and then carefully stood up to slide his pants on over his slender frame. Standing there he felt a bit dizzy but managed to hang on as he zipped up the pants and then sat back down again. The effort to remain standing was making him feel nauseous but he fought it back as he always did. The bile in the back of his throat burned as he slowly breathed in and out, gradually gaining control over his young body.

Hell he was only just 22 and weighed a mere 149 pounds sopping wet but it suited him. Standing at exactly 6 foot he knew that many of his customers thought he was a blonde hunk but all he could see was a thin drunk who was one day going to get into a pile of trouble. Okay maybe he had a nice smile and the guys who frequented the bar seemed to dig his longish dirty blond hair that hung just below his slim ear lobes. It had taken a bit to get that hair just right and he realized that next to alcohol he spent the better part of his paycheque on hair products. After all if you wanted the tips you had to look the part didn’t you?

His face grimaced a little as he felt the acid burning inside once more. He also felt that he wasn’t going to be able to hold back the flood much longer if Carl didn’t hurry up and get out of the bathroom. Rob thought about calling out to him but he could hear him moving around and figured it wouldn’t be much longer. He sat there wondering about last night and trying to piece together what had happened. It was generally like this these days and as much as he enjoyed the taste of the booze these morning sessions were not fun. He hated not knowing what he had done or where he had been for that matter.

Obviously they had stayed at the bar after closing drinking otherwise he wouldn’t have wound up with Carl, but then that wasn’t exactly 100% true. He could have stumbled back here after going elsewhere but that would mean he had gotten into some sort of trouble. Shit he wished he could remember exactly what had happened last night but he was drawing a blank. Maybe if he got home and took a nice hot shower he might tickle his memory but lately even that didn’t work.

He tried to take his mind off the pain in his stomach and the thundering drums that were beating inside his head by thinking about other stuff. It was strange how you could wake up in a cold sweat and yet by the time that evening came around the mornings fear was quickly forgotten. He hated this part of the day and yet each night he did his best to insure that once more his mornings would be filled with these same stupid thoughts. He shrugged a little which hurt his head but the growing pain in his stomach seemed to be more intense than normal. He could taste the bile coming up his throat and as much as he hated it, he swallowed hard trying to keep it from spewing out all over Carl’s place.

Granted the place wasn’t exactly fancy but still Carl did keep it neat. He had to respect that and as simple as it was he knew that upchucking was not going to endear him to Carl, plus it would only lead to a whole slew of questions. Funny how the gay people were so much more ‘worried’ than the straight guys. He had gone home with many different types, after all he was a bar waiter and a party animal. If you puked at some straight guy’s place he would make a comment or two about cleaning it up or not holding your booze, but rarely would he ask if you were sick or anything. Gays were different, least the one’s he hung out with and he sat up, wondering about it, wishing that in some ways they weren’t so damn nosey and yet in other ways wondering why normal guys weren’t.

Christ he thought, he was getting stupid in his old age. Maybe the difference really wasn’t that they were gay or straight, maybe it was simply that the gay guys he would go home with were co workers and safe one’s at that. They maybe even considered themselves friends of his which would explain some of it, though he really thought that no matter what, they still had only one thing in the back of their mind, that being to bed him or someone like him. God, what was it about people?

When he worked the straight bars it was the chicks which was okay with him, but still, what was it about everyone looking or wanting a quick fuck? Didn’t anyone ever want more than that? He had his share of hot dates with the girls and for the most part he rather enjoyed their attention, only trouble was when he thought he was maybe getting serious, they either turned out to have a boyfriend already or simply weren’t interested in him for the long term. So much for the myth that women were only looking for husband material. He could personally attest to that being false. God how many had he had that when he wanted to take their relationship up a level backed off?

Okay he was no Greek god or anything, but he thought he serviced them okay. Least he tried to make sure they got pleasure too which was a damn sight more than what most guys did, so how come none ever wanted to be more than a lay to him? Sure some did but fuck, the stupid mind games they played were almost worse than if they had a boyfriend.

It was because of all those stupid little games and all that he had decided to try his luck working the gay scene. Besides, he was certain that the one guy who was after his ass wouldn’t dare go to a gay bar looking for him. Fuck the guy was an animal and how was he supposed to have known that he was her boyfriend? It wasn’t like she had told him or for that matter that any of his so called fellow workers had told him though they all knew. Fuck he had to have been stupid or just plain drunk to have fallen for her but he had.

The pain in his guts grew a bit more as his mind refused to grant him any peace either. It was like listening to the 1812 overture in his head while the results of the cannon fire were equally felt within his stomach. Christ it hurt and he knew that his morning ritual would once more be filled with him leaning over the Great White Porcelain God, still he had fun last night, didn’t he?

He was back to that again as he tried to keep his mind occupied with other things instead of the growing need to pee and the ever growing need to puke. It would be a race that was for sure but which would win out? He hoped he could manage it both because the one thing he really did hate was having to clean up either his piss or his puke first thing in the morning. Man he really needed to get his ass in gear, and he once more vowed that tonight he would cool the drinking, let it go for a bit so that his stomach at least would settle down. It usually did if he could stay off the sauce for a week or two and eat less of that spicy shit he liked. No more extra hot sauce on his tacos but the mere thought of food was making his stomach ache even more. He could taste it and he looked over to the bathroom, silently wishing for Carl to get out of there.

Carefully he stood up and headed over to the hall leading to the bathroom and Carl’s bedroom. Funny that all the times he had been here, had crashed here actually he had never actually gone into Carl’s bedroom. Christ Darius had taken him on the tour of his but at least he hadn’t pressed it nor had he taken advantage, least Rob didn’t think he had. Deep down inside he wondered if he would know if someone had done anything to him when he was passed out but he shook his head, trying to ignore the pain stabbing into his guts as he heard the door open and saw the tall bouncer come out.

Well, see you are finally awake.

Yeah, uh, mind if I use the john?

Sure, go ahead, there are clean towels under the sink if you want to have a shower.

No thanks, I’ll wait till I get home.

Suit yourself, I’ll get you some breakfast?

No thanks. Uh, sorry, but man I gotta take a whiz like you wouldn’t believe.

Toast will be on the table.

He barely heard Carl’s voice as he closed the door and locked it. A habit he only did lately. Funny how when he would wake up in some strange guy’s place while working the straight bars he never bothered to lock the bathroom door, or for that matter even worry about closing it. Christ either he was fucking paranoid or just plain weird as he took his dick out and stood over the toilet. He felt the burning pain as he tried to let it all out, knowing that once more his body was rebelling at him. His dick felt hot as he the first dribble began and then the growing stream splashing into the bowl’s water brought some ease to his mind. He always worried about that in the morning, how some days there was that burning feeling especially when he had a rough night of drinking.

His mind still was trying to figure out what had happened last night but as he sighed with the relief from emptying his bladder he felt a strange sense of loneliness. For just one moment the pain in his head and his stomach were gone, instead there was just this feeling of being empty, of having absolutely nothing and it hurt worse than the pain from his stomach or the pounding of his head. Rob felt it and shivered which made him double over. The stomach pain grew intense as he slowly lowered himself to his knees, his shorts and pants almost tripping him up but his experience at this helped. Finally he was there, kneeling before the toilet and he reached up to flush it, to get rid of his piss before his body took control.

As the contents of his stomach came rushing up and flew outwards into the bowl. His hands reached out to either side of the white bowl and clenched it tightly. He felt the pain ripping through his whole body and his legs twitched and quivered as his stomach heaved and heaved. His head felt like it had exploded and he could barely focus on anything. Small spots and stars seemed to be floating in front of his face as the sweet sickly aroma of his vomit filled his nostrils, gagging him a little as more of his stomach came roaring up his throat and out his mouth.

‘God, if they could see me now they sure as fuck wouldn’t want me’ flashed in his mind as the vile liquid continued to spew from his mouth. It was a bizarre feeling really. He spent a lot of effort on making sure everyone knew he was straight and yet when they accepted that, it kind of made him feel almost, well neglected. Man he really was fucked up he thought as his stomach had finally emptied itself. Now all he had was the dry heaves with the occasional drops of liquid that only made his throat burn. His lips were numb as he stared down and saw the pinkish colour of the water.

Strange how looking at his own blood mingled in with the green yellowish bile made his heart quicken and the sweat dot up on his forehead. It was like some signal and yet he never felt that way when he saw it from a cut or anything. His body shook with a cold chill as he watched his shaking hand reach up to once more send the evidence away down the sewer. If Carl had been a straight co-worker the door would more than likely have been left open, yet he wasn’t and for some unknown reason it mattered to Rob whether or not Carl or even Darius knew about his little puking sessions.

There was a part of him that kept telling him that he should quit drinking and doing all this crazy shit, but then there was the other part that told him that at least when he was totally wrecked, totally drunk or stoned or both that at least then he was free from the stupid voices inside. At least then he was at peace and so what if the price was some doubts in the morning or worse, some time kneeling in front of a fucking toilet? At least for a few hours he was free from those voices, from those thoughts and those memories.

As his body slowly began to shake less and his legs began to draw a little from the cramps, he thought about those voices, about those stupid thoughts that kept him awake on those nights when the booze or drugs had been ignored. He hated that feeling and yet he knew he would have a few of those nights coming if he wanted to slow down the pain in his guts. He sighed a little as he slowly reached out and grabbed some ass wipe to clean around the bowl. He didn’t need anyone knowing, least of all Carl and he pushed himself away and stood up. His legs were weak but he managed to hang on until the dizziness passed.

Carefully he bent down and pulled up his shorts and pants and then made his way to the sink. He ran the cold water and stared at the reflection in the mirror. His face looked gaunt and haggard and worse, the tan was almost gone. If he was honest he looked more like a bloody vampire or ghost than a person but a few hours in the sun for a few days would help. His eyes stared at his reflection reminding him of how alone he felt at times like this. His hair was matted from the sweat and he quickly bent over and tossed some cold water over his whole head, shivering as he did and then tossing it a little. Least this way it wouldn’t be so obvious that he had been pouring with sweat. His eyes were still bloodshot but he felt a bit better as he splashed some more cold water over his cheeks.

For a brief second or two he wished he was somewhere else but here, in San Diego. His heart beat a little slower and easier as he thought about just sailing off somewhere like some adventurer, but he knew it was impossible. The only time he had ever been on a boat had been up in Seattle when he had taken a ferry trip to one of the gulf islands up there. He couldn’t say exactly that he had enjoyed the ride but the notion of being out on the ocean away from people, away from the hands and the mind games was kind of nice. Only downside that stopped him from being serious about sailing other than the cost was that if he was out there, he would be alone with himself and he didn’t think he really liked himself enough to tough it out for weeks on end with just his own thoughts for company. Maybe one day if he could ever find that right person, maybe then but what girl would ever want to spend weeks at sea with him?

Just thinking of it made his stomach wince again and he stared down at the toilet bowl, wondering if it was really all worth it? Maybe one day he’d find someone who might care enough for him, might care enough to look beyond his obvious faults. He sighed thinking that so far the closest he had come had been really a long long time ago. Back in maybe junior high when he really thought someone was a friend, but that was so long ago that he really did wonder if his flaws where just too many for anyone to get past them.  Wiping his face and pushing back the damp hair he opened the door and walked out, almost colliding into Carl. For a moment or two he felt a bit disorientated.

Uh sorry, guess I took longer than…

You okay?

There was a strange set to Carl’s face that made Rob feel a bit apprehensive. The question seemed normal enough but the way Carl’s face was made him think that something else was up. His mind was still foggy and worse, feeling like he had been through WWIII or something. The thought of him waking up with only his shorts on suddenly came to mind and he felt a strange skip in his heart as he tried to remain calm, wondering what was up with Carl. He had never seen him looking this stern, or forbidding.

Huh? Yeah sure, I am fine…

Didn’t sound like it for a bit.

His heart started to beat a little faster as he stared at Carl. There was a strange look in his eyes that he had never really seen before. Something too about Carl’s tone of voice made him try to stall for time as he wished his head would clear so he could think properly.

What didn’t sound like, huh?

Come on Rob, you really think I haven’t noticed, or Darius for that matter?

Notice what Carl? Shit, its early for me man, so uh, maybe we…

Okay, wanna play dumb huh? I know you aren’t, and …

He felt like he was being cross examined for some odd reason and a strange flare of anger came from his mind. How dare Carl try to butt in on his personal life, and okay, so he had upchucked, wasn’t like he left a mess. So what the fuck was Carl’s problem?

And what? Shit Carl cut me some slack okay? It was a rough night

I was there, thing is Rob, where you?

Huh? Christ, I really don’t need the 3rd degree here Carl.

Head aches too much huh?

Kind of.

Or maybe it’s the stomach?

Rob couldn’t understand the strange feelings that suddenly came to him as he stood there, trying to stare down Carl. That in itself was almost impossible given how Carl towered over him and in some ways it felt rather menacing. Carl was not exactly a featherweight and the stern look on his face didn’t help ease the sudden tension that came to Rob. His palms were sweating and he was certain that beads of sweat were popping up on his forehead as he tried to get rid of the strange eerie feelings that were rushing around inside his clouded head. Damn he wished he hadn’t drunk so much last night but then he always wished that the next morning.

A bit, shit, come on man, this isn’t fun 1st thing in the morning.

Morning? God Rob it is almost 2 in the afternoon, you passed out at 5.

It was the way Carl said it that made him step back a little. It sort of felt like he was being lectured to by his mother or some parent figure. He hadn’t experienced that feeling for a damn long time and it didn’t exactly bring back pleasant memories either. His eyes narrowed as he tried to summon up enough courage to just push past but something was holding his shivering body in check.

Afternoon? Shit… look, sorry Carl, I should go okay? I gotta run, need to get home and get cleaned up, so uh, mind if I get past here?

Kind of…

Huh? Look Carl…

Easy Rob, look, it is just that, well I am worried about you, so is Darius and some of the others, like Terry even noticed man, so…

Panic was starting to set in and he stared up at Carl, wondering what was going on here. His anger at being questioned like some wayward teenager was pissing him off and yet even though his voice shook with his anger, his heart seemed to be enjoying the feeling. His head continued to pound and felt confused by it all and yet he didn’t move. He didn’t push past Carl and leave, instead he felt the anger rising up as he tried to bluff his way past, hoping that he could end this without his luck leaving him.

Still the idea that people noticed was strange to him and deep down inside, in a forgotten place he felt kind of warm and fuzzy at the notion. He hadn’t really ever had anyone take the trouble to care, so it was kind of different. He really wasn’t sure how he felt but his mind felt like he should be angry so his voice showed it as he tried to figure it all out. 

Terry? What did he notice? Shit he’s a tranny for Christ’s sake man, come on, what is this shit about?

Your drinking way too much, you going to wind up in a ton of trouble if you aren’t careful, if you aren’t already that is.

Fuck what’s that supposed to mean Carl? Christ man, I am not one of your flock, okay? I can look after myself.

Really? That how you got that scar on your thigh?

His anger was suddenly replaced by a cold fear and dread. How could Carl know about the scar? No one could know about it unless they had seen him nude and he hadn’t been naked around anyone at Rich’s, not even Carl, so how the fuck did he know about it? The fear took hold and he could feel the drops of sweat dripping down from his forehead or was it the cold water he had splashed there?

Rob wasn’t sure but he knew that something had happened and that somehow Carl had seen him naked. The idea that some queer had seen him made him angry but also made him feel afraid. What else had he seen or worse, what had he done? For a moment or two he felt the panic reaching deep into his heart as he tried to feel his body mentally. Did his ass feel any different? Did his groin feel any different?  Fuck this was his worse fear and suddenly there it was, staring at him and he didn’t know what to do or say. Rage grew inside of him and he felt his hands grew cold as he clenched them into tight fists at his side.

FUCK YOU! How the fuck… shit Carl, if you did…

If I did what Rob? You don’t even know if I did anything never mind what I might have done, but relax… I would never… but some would.

Deep down inside he knew that one day it would happen, or at least he knew that the odds of his luck holding out would end. Still he never thought it would be Carl and as much as he wanted to believe that nothing happened, he felt inside that somehow something had. Damn he wished the fog in his head would go away. He just wanted to know what had happened but he couldn’t remember a thing.

Rob knew he had been drinking bourbon shooters and beer chasers but he usually did that when he had a good night and last night had been good. Still he realized that once more he had gone over the edge but now his worst nightmare might be happening. How did Carl know about his scar? Did he really do nothing or was he testing him? Christ if he did he would have to quit, there was no way he could stay working in that place if he couldn’t even trust the bouncer slash manager, was there?

He really wanted to believe Carl, after all if he couldn’t trust an ex monk or priest, who the fuck could he trust? Shit, Carl was always doing stuff for the guys at the bar. He helped out at the free clinic for gays and Rob knew that Carl was pretty active at the local AIDS Hospice centre, so how the fuck could he have taken advantage of him while he was passed out? It didn’t make sense but then he did know about the scar, so?

The doubts swirled around his clouded mind as his heart tried to keep him calm, tried to make him relax but he couldn’t get the idea out of his head of some guy touching him. He didn’t care who they screwed or sucked, as long as it wasn’t him and now that seemed to have happened, even if Carl said it didn’t. How the fuck would he know the truth anyhow? Christ he felt so fucked up that he didn’t know which way to turn. His anger was real but the fear was even greater. After all, everyone knew that Carl was positive. God, what had he gotten himself into?

Yeah… well… how the fuck did you know about the scar then?

Your shorts pulled down as I was taking your pants off, that is how I know about the scar.

Uh huh… and why were you pulling my pants off?

Cause they reeked of booze which you had spilled on them while passing out and I thought I’d wash them for you. Look Rob, it wasn’t like I wanted to do you or anything like that, shit you should know me better than that by now, but maybe you don’t, maybe you have been playing this party animal routine too long, or maybe you just can’t remember, but nothing happened, nothing.

He could see it in his eyes, the way they looked at him and now Rob felt a sense of shame creeping over him. He should have known that Carl wouldn’t and yet he still wasn’t totally convinced. After all he had read the papers and he knew all about what some so called religious types did, but was Carl different? Damn he wished he could know for certain but he couldn’t.

Maybe in one way he could, if he would just stay sober long enough at night he might know more but then if he did he’d have to face himself too. For a few seconds he wasn’t sure which was worse, waking up and wondering if his ass had been ploughed or of having to have spent a night alone with his own thoughts and feelings?

Oh.

Oh… look Rob, isn’t it time you loosened up and stopped acting like everyone is your enemy?

I don’t do that, but well, I mean…

Yeah yeah, we know, you are straight, so, that mean you can’t have queer friends?

If only it was that simple but it wasn’t. People weren’t like that at least not the ones he knew. Everyone had an angle to work, had a hidden agenda of some kind and he had learned that the hard way. No Carl was wrong, you just couldn’t be friends simply because you wanted it. There was always a price to pay and he just didn’t think he could pay that kind of price, especially with the guys he had come to know in his 22 years of living. The bitterness rose up as he tried to explain it, maybe not so much to Carl as to his own questioning heart. His head hung down as he tried to put into words what he knew, or thought he knew.

Friends? Christ Carl you been around, who’d want to be just friends? You and I both know that there is only one thing that anyone wants… and it isn’t sitting around playing checkers.

Not everyone is like that Rob, I am not.

No? I suppose you going to tell me you never checked out my package while it was exposed either huh?

Nope, not going to say that, shit Rob, I am human too, course I noticed it, but it wasn’t like it was exactly hiding and besides that, it wasn’t like I planned it or that I’d do anything about it, which you should know.

God he wanted to believe him, but his mind couldn’t buy it. Everyone had something they wanted and yes that included Carl too. It was just that so far he hadn’t been able to figure out what it was Carl wanted, but he wanted something. Christ no way would anyone let some drunk constantly crash at his place if it wasn’t for something. Maybe last night was a hint of what it was, but then if Carl was no different than the others, why hadn’t he done anything other than cop a look? Fuck he could have done a whole lot more and there was no way for Rob to know about it, so why? What was it that he hoped to get from him? Did he think that by not doing anything that he’d get him to feel obligated? Did he want him awake when he screwed him or sucked him off?

His head was hurting and yet as he stared at Carl’s face he knew that Carl wasn’t lying to him. Somehow inside he knew that nothing had happened and a sense of relief came rushing up inside. He still felt that there had to be a reason, but for now he felt content in not pushing it. As long as he was still a virgin in the gay sex department he was happy. Even as the thought came to him though he felt a bit saddened that nothing had happened.

It wasn’t that he wanted some guy sucking on his dick or sticking his dick in his ass, just that well, wasn’t he attractive enough for even Carl to want him? He knew he was no raving beauty but the women had liked his looks, or so they had said but then none of them lasted beyond a few weeks. So was it his looks that got them turned off or was it his style? Maybe he wasn’t a good performer or something, but at least they had tried, so how come Carl hadn’t? Was it like he said or was it like he thought, that basically he was a dog?

I suppose, still…

Still what? You know you have a knack of trying to turn things away from the issue… but not this time.

Well it usually worked so why not? Still the way Carl had spoken made him stand up a bit straighter, as he tried to figure out what Carl was up to. This whole thing was becoming freakier by the second.

What does that mean? Look Carl, I am serious, I gotta go, so…

Yeah well that’ll have to wait a bit, you have an appointment.

His eyes flashed at Carl and he could see the answering look. For a moment he wasn’t sure what it was but there was a strange determination inside of Carl’s eyes that made him feel very uncomfortable. No one pushed him this hard before or at least not that he could remember. It was all strange and yet in some ways it did feel kind of nice. For a moment he actually thought that someone might really care for him, in a friend way instead of a piece of meat or something. The moment passed though as his mind knew that everyone had some angle, just that so far he hadn’t figured out Carl’s angle.

Oh? And what kind of appointment is that? Some shrink or alcohol counsellor?

To see a friend of mine, well actually it’s the boyfriend of a friend.

Just who is this friend or boyfriend?

He’s a doctor and works at the Emergency Room at the hospital near the bar.

Doctor huh? And uh why are you saying I have to see him? Like someone made you my mother or something?

No, just your friend, and because I don’t think it is right that you spend your mornings puking blood or that you spit blood out after a few drinks, and that is why I asked Connor to get you an appointment to see his boyfriend.

Deep down inside where he kept it all hidden he felt a twinge and a strange warmth. The idea that someone would actually go to this extreme to help him was foreign to him or at least it felt that way and yet, deep down he sort of remembered feeling this way before. His mind was confused as he tried to figure out the hidden angle but either there wasn’t one or he was still too fucked up from all the booze he had last night. It didn’t make sense that Carl would do this, hell that anyone would but he appeared to be doing just that.

Rob didn’t want to see a doctor either which weighed on his mind as he tried to stall for time. He didn’t know how to answer Carl but he knew that seeing a doctor was not something he wanted to do. Besides, he knew the answers and he would just have to lay off the booze and spicy shit for a bit. That was really all that was needed and he didn’t need some doctor to tell him that. Besides, it was expensive to see one, even if he was a boyfriend of a friend of a friend.

Connor?

The paramedic who helps out at the free clinic.

Oh… well, uh look Carl, that is nice, but no thanks, okay?

No.

Huh?

No, its not okay.

Yeah well, uh, it’ll have to be, I am not going to uh see this doctor friend or whatever.

You got two choices here Rob, one I can toss you over my shoulder and take you there, or you can go with me quietly standing on your own feet, but that’s the only choices you got.

It wasn’t shouted or anything like that. In fact Carl looked no different than he had so far the entire morning, but there was a subtle change in how he stood. Rob could see how his feet were now firmly planted and his hands were loose at his side but ready. The steel in his eyes showed him that he was serious too which made Rob hesitate a bit. Deep down that strange warmth grew but he pushed it aside, the cold fear of having to fight Carl making him feel nervous. His own hands clenched and unclenched as he tried to gauge how serious Carl was in his statement.

Looking into Carl’s eyes Rob knew that he was serious. He definitely was going to make him see this doctor friend but he didn’t wan to. His heart was skipping a few beats and he felt the flush of fear creeping over him as he tried to fathom why Carl was doing this? He searched his memory but couldn’t come up with anything. This wasn’t like Carl, to be so intimidating with people he knew, and it worried Rob a bit more than he cared to admit. Shit he liked the guy and under other circumstances maybe they could have been friends, but.

Like right, you wouldn’t do it Carl, I know you too well.

Maybe, maybe not…

No you wouldn’t, and look, I appreciate the concern but I am fine, just need to cut back on the partying and things will be fine again, trust me on this, okay?

Nope…  maybe you are right, maybe I wouldn’t toss you over my shoulders, but then again, I just might. After all look at you Rob.

What?

You weigh what, 130 to 140 pounds?

So?

Well I weigh in at 267 and stand 6ft 7, so you really think you can stop me?

The question hung in the air as Rob stared at Carl. He could see the eyes looking at him blankly and in the pit of his stomach he knew that Carl could do exactly as he had said. Still, the guy didn’t look the type to use force when there were other alternatives. Carl wasn’t exactly a bully but he had seen him toss a few out of the bar. There was no mistaking his power or his strength even in his condition, but then Carl took care of himself.

Maybe that was part of what was eating at Rob? Here was Carl with HIV and he still took better care of himself than he did. Why did he care though? That gnawed at him as he tried to figure out if Carl would toss him on his shoulder if he refused or would he let him go? Somehow he just didn’t see Carl letting this go which pissed him off in some ways and yet in another made him feel a bit warm and well, happy.

No, maybe not, but that isn’t your style Carl, it just isn’t you.

Oh don’t let my having been a monk fool you, I would still do it.

I don’t think so Carl, not you.

Maybe, but then there is also the one other factor you forgot.

What’s that?

I am the one who sets the stations and which of you girls work which station, now, if you don’t want to go with me to see Bruce Collier, well fine, guess you are right and I won’t toss you over my shoulder but then will you enjoy working the lost island?

That was a threat he knew Carl could and would follow thru on. Damn it, he didn’t need to be stuck out in the back area, the area they called ‘the lost island’. Shit that place was horrible to work and usually the dead beat waiters got it because it was almost impossible to screw up there. The jerks who sat there were always cheap and rarely tipped but more than that, they were the ones who really had the roaming hands. God he doubted if he could hack working that section and stay sane, and worse without the tips no way could he manage to get blitzed.

Fuck no way Carl, you wouldn’t do that, I mean, Christ man those guys never tip, I’d lose a fortune.

Yep, which means less money for you to piss away on booze and drugs.

Fuck, you wouldn’t?

Yes I would, in a heartbeat Rob

Fuck, I’d complain to Ned…

Uh huh, you really willing to go to Ned? I mean you know what that’ll cost, right?

Shit, he had it all worked out. The only way Ned ever over ruled Carl was if the guy put out and he knew that there would be no way for him to sweet talk his way out of this one. Ned wasn’t the type who took ‘no’ for an answer if he was determined. He had already drooled over Rob and this would be his way to get exactly what he wanted. Fuck it, Carl had him but why? What was behind all this? No way was Carl any different than Ned or the hundreds of others who partied at the bar. So what was the deal? Why did it matter to him if he was puking every morning and yeah, okay so there was blood and stuff, but still, why?

Yeah… shit Carl, I am okay, this isn’t necessary, I just need to cut back on the partying is all, honest.

Fine, and you got your medical degree from where? John Hopkins?

No… but uh… fuck, I cant afford a doctor okay?

He’s doing this as a favour, there isn’t any cost.

It had been his last excuse and he could tell by the firm stance and look in Carl’s face that it was hopeless. For whatever reason Carl was taking him to see some doctor friend. Christ he really didn’t want to see one and the fear of bad news began to eat at him. He knew he had partied way too much lately but it was the only way to keep himself from going totally nuts. He hated this circle of having to drink to hide from his own thoughts and he hated waking up not knowing what had happened, but what other choices were there?

Yeah, well… still, I am okay, If it gets too bad maybe then but…

Isn’t it already Rob? Fuck man, grow up will you? You been puking up blood at Darius’ and here and you know its gotten worse, I mean shit, have you looked in a mirror? Your face is white as chalk and your hands shake in the morning, so cut the crap and just do this, okay?

And in return what Carl? What’s the price for this favour? I know what it is from Ned, Darius too for that matter, so what’s your fee?

Fuck you don’t get it do you? I am doing this cause I thought we were friends, because it is what friends do Rob, so the price, the price is that you say ‘thank you’. That is the price, now eat that fucking toast I made and drink the God damn milk so we can get going.

For one split second he was certain Carl was going to reach out and grab him by the throat. His eyes had grown so dark and menacing in that second that Rob took a step backwards, afraid for the first time that Carl might actually hurt him. Christ he had never seen him looking so angry and yet even as the words hit him, he couldn’t quite grasp their meaning or their truth. How could a guy like Carl care about him?

Surely he knew that there was no chance of him willingly doing anything sexual with him, so why the friendship? What was it in for Carl? It bugged the shit out of him but he could see that for whatever reason, Carl was totally pissed at him for even suggesting that. It didn’t make sense and he tried to think of a way to get out of the situation, but Carl had him blocked in. There was no way for him to just run past him.

Carl…

Just do it, okay? You really don’t want to piss me off any more than you already have, now do you Robert?

The way he used his full name only made Rob feel even more unsure. Carl was really angry at him but not for refusing, but for thinking there was a price for his actions. Christ this was too bizarre and the pounding in his head only made it seem worse. The emptiness in his stomach didn’t help either and for a minute or two he wondered if there really was something called friendship, if maybe it wasn’t just some fairy tale or illusion?

I guess not…  but…

Eat Robert, traffic is going to be a bitch, but we should make it on time.

Carl…

EAT, you can holler and try to talk me out of it once we are in the car, okay?

Yeah, okay…

He moved slowly past the towering hulk of the man and for a second thought about running for the door and escaping but the way Carl hovered close by, he knew that he wouldn’t even make it to the door. Christ the guy had a long reach and he just didn’t feel like he could outrun him, least not the way he was feeling. Besides, the prospect of having to work the ‘lost island’ just didn’t sit well and while he could always quit, he doubted if he could get another job like this so easy. After all even though everyone knew he wasn’t queer the tips said they still hoped he might be turned. Fuck if he wanted to miss out on that gravy and besides, if he did cool the drinking he might actually be able to save some cash too. That wouldn’t exactly be a bad idea would it?

Rob sat down on the sofa and picked up the cold glass of milk and found he really was hungry. The toast was dry and cold but it felt good going down helped by the cold milk. His stomach didn’t seem to mind either which was nice and finally the fog in his head was beginning to clear up a little. So he saw a doctor, didn’t mean that it would necessarily be bad news or that he’d have to see him again. This way maybe he could get pushed up to the main section on the weekends. After all, Carl would owe him, sort of, but then the idea of pressing for that seemed distasteful to him. For some odd reason he kind of felt like maybe he was the one who owed Carl and not the other way around.

=

Rob stared around at the empty living room. His eyes moved all across the single room staring at what he had collected over his short life. He had an armchair with a lamp right next to it for reading. A small wooden table held the lamp and the dog eared copy of  ‘Fellowship of the Ring’ by Tolkein. An ashtray rested beside it as well as an empty tumbler. The tinge of yellow told him it once held bourbon and he felt himself licking his lips, wondering if he should have a drink or not.

The pain in his guts had eased a little since taking the pantolac that the Doctor had given him. He still wasn’t too sure about the guy but he had seemed to know his business. It wasn’t quite what he had expected either but then the whole day had been rather strange really. Waking up at Carl’s wasn’t unusual but the whole doctor scene sure as hell had been. He still wondered what Carl’s angle was but had more or less given up trying to guess. Rob figured he’d find out soon enough when the bill was presented, whatever that would be.

It just didn’t make sense that Carl would go to all this trouble without having some price in mind, yet he insisted he didn’t. Rob wasn’t quite buying that but as he looked around his sparsely furnished one room apartment, he wondered if maybe it was true? Could Carl really be one of those few who actually did do things without having an ulterior motive? He doubted it but it would be nice for a change. To be honest he was getting tired of having to always cover his ass and watch where he was or who he was with.

His head moved around the tiny room, staring at the small bookshelf he had. There really weren’t many books there, a half dozen or so but then he rarely seemed to take the time to bother anymore. There used to be a time when he always had his nose in a book it seemed, but not for some time now. His heart felt a bit sad by that for some unknown reason as he sat there, trying to figure out just where was he going? The curse of not having a drink yet obviously but then too the words of that Doctor weren’t exactly encouraging either.

Christ the guy must have ice water in his veins the way he talked. Everything was so curt and clipped that for a second Rob had thought he was in some army office or something. The guy hardly looked at him really and that only made him feel more nervous and angry too. Least Carl could have done was get him a doctor who wasn’t an iceberg. Then again, maybe it was better this way? Least there wasn’t any funny feelings going around though he sure thought there might be at first.

Doctor Bruce Collier looked rather nice actually, if you took the frown off his face but then most of them medical types always tried to look so fucking superior. He had never really liked doctors much but he didn’t really want to get into that right now. Shit he had enough to think about never mind that crap and besides, it was years ago so why bother? Fuck he needed a drink and his eyes moved towards the small little kitchen area. Rob knew he had a bottle stashed in the cupboard but the Doctor’s words still gave him the chills. Besides he had to go to work soon and he didn’t particularly want to go in hammered, after all there would be time for that later, or would there? Shit what was he going to do if he couldn’t get hammered or at least stoned? It would mean a night with himself and right now he didn’t think he could manage that feat.

He had already showered so he couldn’t waste any time doing that. His hair was drying and he stared over at the clothes he had laid out on the armchair. Rob sighed a little as he realized just how little he really had. There were maybe three good pairs of pants left that he could wear to work, a few that were okay for going out shopping or lounging around but that was it. He had maybe a dozen shirts that weren’t too frayed and that was it. His boxers were in worse shape but he figured that seeing as how he was working a gay bar no one would ever see them. It wasn’t like he was going to find any dates working that place as opposed to when he worked the straight bars. There you never could tell if you were going to get lucky so clean decent shorts were necessary.

His boots were okay and he still had one pair of decent runners that he could use if necessary. Socks were okay because they were cheap but that was the extent of his clothing. How the fuck did he get into this mess? After all he did pretty good in the tip department and yet all he had to show for it was zip. The small 20 inch colour television sat there on the stand unplugged. Who could afford cable and being in an apartment it just didn’t get decent enough reception from the antennae so it sat unused. The stereo was nothing more than one of those cheap $60 all in one types but there too what use was it? He didn’t have much of a music collection to listen to but at least it did get the radio stations that more or less played something he could enjoy.

Staring around at the room he realized just how empty his life had become. There was nothing really his there. No pictures to speak of and certainly no little trophies or such. Okay there was that one stuffed animal but that came from that tranny, Terry. He still wasn’t sure why Terry had given it to him either but the guy was pretty decent if you forgot that he dressed up like a woman to turn tricks. He had to admit too that when he first saw Terry all dolled up as a woman that he had thought him drop dead gorgeous. That quickly changed when the wig came off and he saw it was a guy. Christ he must have ice water in his veins to take the risks he did but then Terry was kind of fun. He didn’t holler or talk like a fag either. His voice was never harsh and Rob kind of enjoyed his wicked sense of humour too. Man he could crack up anyone with some of his jokes.

They had partied a few times together more or less. To be honest he had been at a party where Terry had been and as he sat there, he remembered that night. Terry had gotten pretty drunk and some creep was making a move on him. Rob had stopped him and dragged Terry out of the place, taking him to Carls now that he thought about it. Carl had let them both crash and in the morning he had heard Carl lecturing Terry in the bedroom. It was later that night that Terry had shown up at the bar and given Rob the small little stuffed puppy dog. He stared over at it and smiled a little, feeling kind of warm inside because it was really the first time anyone had given him something like that. The puppy was small but cute and had a sort of smile on it. In some ways it reminded Rob of Terry and how he would cock his head to one side with a small hint of a smile on his face. Christ the guy would make a killing as a waiter with that look. It was really too bad that he didn’t try but then again, he really didn’t need the added competition for the tips, still maybe Carl or someone should mention it to Terry. Hell it had to be better than selling your ass or walking the streets looking for a trick.

His eyes grew heavy as he tried to think if he should mention it to Carl or not. After all maybe Terry hadn’t thought about being a waiter because the actual pay sucked but if you played it right, did the job right you could really make good coin. Hell most weekends he pulled in an easy extra $300 but it seemed very little of that money ever made it out of the bar. Christ maybe that Doctor Collier was right, maybe he needed to find a different job or something but what? No fucking way could he go do what Terry did and what really was he qualified for? He had never finished high school let alone gone to college. Shit he had never really even wanted to go to college so what was left for him? Washing dishes or serving fast food at some burger joint? Like that would get him anywhere?

Pretty easy for a guy like that Doctor to tell him to change jobs. Fuck the guy had to make a hundred K or more and judging by the way the staff at the hospital treated him, he most likely was not just some ordinary doctor. Hell he had been paged at least four times just while he was talking with him. He was kind of glad he never wanted to be a doctor but then too he kind of wished he had wanted to be something. Maybe that was just it, he never really had thought about what tomorrow would be like, instead he just existed for today. Trouble was that what was going to happen when he lost what little looks he had? How would he survive then or would he? Rob’s eyes moved once more to the tiny little stuffed puppy and he felt a tear near the corner of his eye. Somehow he rather doubted if it really mattered as he just didn’t see himself living to any ripe old age.

The chill came again and Rob felt a small twinge in his stomach as he tried to relax. He knew going would be a waste of time and he had been right really. After all it was one thing for some well heeled doctor type to tell him to change jobs, to learn to relax and not stress himself out but then when you had a ton of money and a decent job that was easy to do. Kind of different when you had to scratch for every dollar hoping it would be enough to pay the rent or to grab something other than cheap hamburger. Easy to say he needed to eat regular meals with less fat but then he didn’t have to work from 8 to 2 in the morning in a smoke filled room with a ton of drunks reaching for your crotch just so you could get an extra two or three dollar tip.

He glanced down at the rickety coffee table where the bottle of pills sat. Plastered on the plastic bottle was the warning to take with food and not to drink while taking it. Yeah really easy to do considering that all he had in his fridge was some stale cheese and a few slices of bologna. Well maybe tomorrow he’d go get some groceries assuming he made enough in tips tonight. Given that it wasn’t a weekend he usually could count on about $20 or $30 for an average night, bit more if it was busy. As it was between pay days he doubted if it would be busy so hopefully he could count on $20 but that sure as fuck wouldn’t buy much in the way of food. Sure as hell wouldn’t buy much of the type that jack ass Doctor wanted him to eat. Eggs, Chicken, Fish and stuff was okay but like he knew how to cook that shit? Okay eggs he could handle but fish? Man had that guy seen the price of fresh fish? A fucking can of tuna was over a buck and he could just imagine what fresh fish would cost. Besides all that, who had the time?

After cashing out and unwinding it would be close to 4 in the morning and if he came straight back to here it would be more like 5. So what, he was supposed to cook himself some food then? The damn landlord would be on his ass for making noise or worse he’d set the friggin smoke alarm off. Real easy for the Doc to say it, damn hard for a working guy to do. He felt angry at the guy and yet inside he knew that all the Doctor was trying to do was get him to slow down, to do what he should if he wanted to live longer. Only trouble was, the doctor assumed he did want to live to be an old geezer. Thing was, Rob wasn’t exactly sure that he did want to live that much longer.

The idea of not making 40 or even 30 made him sit up a little. He looked around his bare apartment and felt his hand reach down to clasp the towel that was around his bare midriff. If he was to suddenly die right now, who would care? The idea of no one caring or for that matter even knowing made him tremble a little as he sat there, suddenly feeling all alone and scared. How could he have lived this long and still not have anyone to care? The tears rolled down his face as he stared over at the small beige coloured puppy next to the opened book.

Maybe Carl was right? Maybe he should grow up but to what? What was there for him out there? His heart beat a little faster as he stared at the puppy, wondering if Terry ever thought like this. Did he have such fears, such doubts? What about the others like Carl or Darius? His body shook as a spasm took him and he glanced down at the bottle of pills, wondering if he could make it through the night without a drink never mind days or weeks even. It all seemed so unreal to him when just last night everything seemed fine but then, who was he kidding? Things hadn’t been fine for a long time. Rob finally stood up and reached out for the neat pile of clean clothes on the chair. His hand brushed past the open book and he rubbed the head of the little puppy.

Just you and me kid

The tears were quickly brushed away as he hurriedly wiped the few remaining spots on his body. He ran the towel all over the back of his legs and back. Then he quickly drew the towel through his inner thighs and rubbed the soft patch of pubic hairs. Rob sighed as his hand moved across his semi hard dick and then roughly over his full sacs. Life was a bitch but he hated the pain in his gut more than he hated his memories, at least for now.

With his body finally dry he quickly donned his clothes. The fresh scent of the laundry soap made him smile a bit. It was extravagant really to get that stuff but he enjoyed the fresh scent it left on his clothes. It was like smelling the ocean and he turned to glance at the small travel alarm clock. It was time to get moving but as he stared at the small hands on the face, he wondered if maybe tomorrow he wouldn’t just head on down to the ocean. Maybe a walk along the beach would help and who knows, maybe he’d stumble across some nice girl who just might want to have a cup of coffee instead of a shot of vodka? Hell, anything was possible wasn’t it? His eyes were once more drawn to the puppy.

Too bad you’re a guy, you’d make a hell of a girlfriend.

 

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